The School of Life's post
The School of Life
11 h
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE PARENTS
It’s often said that no one can ever really say what a good parent is, let alone draw up a checklist for a prospective one. We politely disagree:
- 1. It’s fundamentally about love, properly understood: a willingness to put one’s whole life aside for fifteen years at least in order to enter imaginatively into someone else’s boundlessly delicate and perplexing experience. It’s about an unfamiliar word: sacrifice.
- 2. Soften whatever you need to say, moderate your anger, attenuate your frustrations. Edit yourself. You are meant to be playing a role. This is a very small and very fragile being you’ll have on your hands. They’ll notice everything you do and are. And will, at the start (when it really counts) blame themselves for every error you make.
- 3. Get on top of your issues for the requisite hours of duty. Your neuroses will no longer be a charming indulgence. The person you’ll put on the earth will be around for some 90 years and how you perform in the first 10 will be everything. No one is forcing you to do this. You’re volunteering on the implicit basis that you have the necessary skills. Your audience will not be impressed if you don’t and has no need to be forgiving.
- 4. Let yourself be ‘boring.’ No one wants an exciting parent. Just a reliable and humane one. Try not to go mad. Allow them to be the crazy centre of attention for as long as it takes.
- 5. Don’t use your 35 year head start to intimidate. Appreciate all the temptations - and quash them one by one.
- 6. Don’t hold it against them that they might have a nicer life than you: Allow them to be more intelligent, successful and happy than you have ever been; that’s a prize, not a humiliation.
- 7. Make sure your sexuality is resolved. Do not take them into your loneliness or employ them as a crutch. The rest doesn’t even need to be said.
- 8. Try to get on with your partner - and when you no longer can (few do) hate them very politely.
- 9. Understand that bad behaviour will always be a symptom of something missing; try to find out what it is.
- 10. Don’t require that they always be ‘good’: prefer that they be real, with all the dramas that will entail.
- 12. Allow yourself to be hated sometimes. Be prepared to be the bad guy in the name of directing them to what they need, not what they want.
- 13. Prepare to fail substantially - and to accept failure with a thorough lack of defensiveness. Offer them a map to their likely neuroses early on. Pay for their first therapist.
- 14. There’s in fact only one rule in the end, not fourteen: Love Them Properly.
Comments
Michaela Kučerová
I agree with everything but maybe number 4…. that, I think, might be more nuanced. Yes, boring in terms of reliability and predictability. But offering the right amount of excitement a bit by bit is cool. My parents took me on lots of exciting trips and visits, occasionally I accompanied them on unpredictable work related or personal emergencies or quests. And though I was not always excited back then, now I see how much I learned watching them react, solve the troubles, even being vulnerable sometimes. But yes - definately later on and in little doses. I also know that biggest crises and anxieties were hidden from me.
Reply8 h
Pam Materne
Psychological clinical research has proven that love isnt all that is needed, far from it...what is much more important and needed is consistent emotional connection and it has nothing to do with love. Lots of books available, no excuse to remain ignorant anymore, dont let your laziness cause you to not give your kid the connection they need and deserve.
Reply4 h
Anita Marie Horvereid
Wowww 🥺 the realest parenting advice I've ever seen
Reply3 h
David Johnson
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It's a great list. I feel like it requires a lot of self reflection and work on oneself though - these aren't a set of skills that people can necessarily "turn on".
Reply10 h
Peta Austen
👏👏👏
Reply1 h
Catharine Smither
Darrell Weston a very helpful checklist 💗
Reply4 h
Iram Afshan
Best post ever
Reply4 h
Paul Jokinen-Carter
I would really like to use at least some of this text in an article I’m writing - it’ll be printed in an English language newspaper called The Portugal News
S. can I quote you and reference the author ? Thanks ps. You can pm me with the authors name and with a yes or no answer , thanks
Reply10 h
Shay Schermerhorn
I think you left out the issue #0 which is the most important
“Listen” and “see” your child.
Understand their inner world and what they need to process (from school to friends etc). Make them feel comfortable being themselves and sharing their lives with you - with no judgement. Be emotionally present for them.
If you don’t, they’ll develop CPTSD and attachment issues and will not have a full and fulfilling life.
Maybe that’s what you meant by #14 - but it’s too vague for those who are not childhood neglect / trauma-informed
Reply7 hEdited
Siddharth Pandey
This is excellent! Thank you ♥️
Reply11 h
Jen Clark
Some of this I agree with, some not, but you forgot one important thing - embrace the idea that you are imperfect and will fail often, just as with anything else in life.
Rather than ruminate and self-flagellate or compare yourself to others who seem to be doing everything right (spoiler alert: they’re not), shower yourself with kindness and compassion.
Who knows, your child may see you doing this and learn to do the same?
Reply2 h
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예비 부모를 위한 지침
예비 부모를 위한 체크리스트를 작성하는 것은 고사하고 좋은 부모가 무엇인지 실제로 말할 수 있는 사람은 아무도 없다고 종종 말합니다. 우리는 다음과 같이 정중하게 동의하지 않습니다.
1. 그것은 근본적으로 사랑에 관한 것이며, 적절하게 이해하면 다른 사람의 한없이 섬세하고 당혹스러운 경험에 상상력을 발휘하기 위해 적어도 15년 동안 자신의 전 인생을 기꺼이 제쳐두고자 하는 의지입니다. 익숙하지 않은 단어인 희생에 관한 것입니다.
2. 필요한 말을 부드럽게 하고 화를 가라앉히고 불만을 가라앉히십시오. 자신을 편집하십시오. 당신은 역할을 하기로 되어 있습니다. 이것은 당신이 손에 쥐게 될 매우 작고 매우 연약한 존재입니다. 그들은 당신이 하는 모든 일을 알아차릴 것입니다. 그리고 처음에는 (실제로 중요할 때) 당신이 저지르는 모든 실수에 대해 스스로를 비난할 것입니다.
3. 필요한 근무 시간 동안 문제를 파악하십시오. 당신의 노이로제는 더 이상 매력적인 방종이 되지 않을 것입니다. 당신이 지상에 두게 될 사람은 약 90년 동안 있을 것이고 처음 10년 동안 당신이 어떻게 행동하느냐가 전부가 될 것입니다. 아무도 당신에게 이것을 강요하지 않습니다. 당신은 필요한 기술을 가지고 있다는 암묵적인 근거로 자원 봉사를 하고 있습니다. 용서하지 않고 용서할 필요가 없다면 청중은 감명을 받지 못할 것입니다.
4. 자신을 '지루하게' 내버려 두십시오. 흥미진진한 부모를 원하는 사람은 아무도 없습니다. 신뢰할 수 있고 인도적인 것입니다. 화내지 마세요. 그들이 시간이 걸리는 한 미친 관심의 중심이 되도록 허용하세요.
5. 35년 앞선 출발을 위협하지 마십시오. 모든 유혹에 감사하고 그것들을 하나씩 물리치십시오.
6. 그들이 당신보다 더 나은 삶을 살 수 있다고 반대하지 마십시오. 그들이 당신보다 더 똑똑하고 성공적이며 행복하도록 허용하십시오. 그것은 굴욕이 아니라 상입니다. 7. 성욕이 해결되었는지 확인하십시오. 그들을 당신의 외로움 속으로 데려가거나 목발로 사용하지 마십시오. 나머지는 말할 필요조차 없습니다.
8. 파트너와 잘 지내려고 노력하세요. 더 이상 파트너를 정중하게 미워할 수 없을 때(극소수).
9. 나쁜 행동은 항상 무언가 빠진 것의 징후라는 것을 이해하십시오. 그것이 무엇인지 알아 내려고 노력하십시오.
10. 항상 '좋은' 것을 요구하지 마십시오. 수반되는 모든 드라마와 함께 실제적인 것을 선호하십시오.
12. 때때로 자신이 미움을 받도록 허용하십시오. 그들이 원하는 것이 아니라 그들이 필요로 하는 것을 지시한다는 명목으로 악당이 될 각오를 하십시오.
13. 실질적으로 실패할 준비를 하고 철저한 방어력 부족으로 실패를 받아들입니다. 초기에 가능성이 있는 신경증에 대한 지도를 제공하십시오. 첫 번째 치료사 비용을 지불하십시오.
14. 사실 마지막 규칙은 14개가 아니라 하나뿐입니다. 제대로 사랑하세요.
