Pastoral Care Handbook
Contents
Foreword
Churches can be extraordinarily busy
places. There are so many things to do and to organise. Yet the labourers are
few. Many ministers, other church leaders and willing personnel seem stretched
to the max, not only attending to all the usual administrative and
organisational tasks, but also encouraging their churches to think and act more
missionally. Something has to give. And that something is usually pastoral
care. In my opinion it is one of the most neglected and least understood
aspects of ministry today. Even churches that take it seriouslythrough the
appointmentof a parish visitor or pastoral care worker often view it in
one-dimensional terms.
This handbook is designed to help people
think afresh about pastoral care, to view it expansively, and to reflect upon
the skills that are needed to provide effective pastoral care across a range of
contexts. The handbook is divided into fourmain sections. The first section
offers a definition of pastoral care, encouraging reflection upon its scope and
focus; the second section describes various dimensions of pastoral care,
challenging us to see it as something more than visiting the sick and the
elderly; the third section describes a variety of contexts in which pastoral
care is commonly exercised; and the fourth section focuses on the health and
wellbeing of those who exercise pastoral care.
The handbook is intended for use by anybody
who exercises a ministry of pastoral care – ministers, elders, parish visitors,
youth leaders, homegroup leaders, and so on. It can be a basis for individual
reflection or group discussion. The various sections can be read sequentially
like a book, or they can be appropriated independently of one another to suit
the needs of the user. Each section has one or more questions for reflection.
We have tried to produce something that is biblically and theologically robust,
as well as being intensely practical.
This is the third handbook to be produced
by the Knox Centre for Ministry and Leadership. The other two are on eldership
and leadership. All can be ordered from the Knox Centre or downloaded from the
Knox Centre web site: www.knoxcentre.ac.nz
If you have any suggestions to make in
regards to how the handbook might be improved, please email: principal@knoxcentre.ac.nz
Graham
Redding
September
2012
This document is intended as a resource for the
Church. The information it contains is not prescriptive. The Book
of Order and its subordinate standards contain the Church’s official rules
and directions. Any perceived conflict between the information contained in
this resource and the Church’s Book of
Order and subordinate
standards
is entirely unintentional.
The cure of
souls
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green
pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in
right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for
you are with me; your rod and your staff— they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you
anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and
I shall dwell in the house of the LORD my whole life long.
Pastoral care within the Christian
tradition is inextricably linked to the biblical image of the shepherd:“The
Lord is my shepherd,” the psalmist declares (Psalm 23:1); “I am the good
shepherd,” Jesus informs his hearers (John 10:11).
Whenever we join the company of saints in
singing or reciting the “Shepherd Psalm”we are not merely giving intellectual
assent to a series of propositions about
God; rather, we areengaging in an act of personal and collective devotionto God, giving voice to something that
wells up from the depths of the soul. The Lord is not just like a shepherd; the Lord is
my shepherd – a subtle yet profound distinction. In the company of the Good
Shepherdthe human soul is nourished, restored, comforted, kept and guided.
At its most basic level, pastoral care is
the outworking of this remarkable claim. It is about the cure or care of souls.[1]
It is precisely this dimension which most
distinguishes pastoral care from social work, counselling and other helping
activities and professions. It is not necessarily the case that pastoral care,
or the cure of souls, has a spiritual dimension that these other activities and
professions lack, but rather it is an active and intentional sharing, by the
power of the Holy Spirit, in the pastoral work of the Good Shepherd as he
shepherds his flock, which is the church. As such, it has a clear and
distinctive focus.
It is important to note, however, that a
clear and distinctive focus for
pastoral care does not constitute a boundary
or limit of care.Although the ministry of pastoral care is inherent in the act
of baptism, impelling Christians to care for one another as sisters and
brothers in Christ, their duty of care extends beyond themselves in the manner
of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). The church is not a self-enclosed
community. It is the first fruits of a new humanity. It is a community that
extends to its non-Christian neighbours the same reckless love and compassion
by which it has been formed in Christ.
This expansive ethic of care over the
years has inspired countless acts of Christian mission, charity and compassion,
and undergirds the work of Christian organisations such as the International
Red Cross, the Order of St John, World Vision, Tear Fund, Christian World
Service, Servants to Asia’s Poor and thenumerous food banks and Christian
social service agencies in this country, including Presbyterian Support and the
Methodist Mission.
How
would you describe the focus and scope of pastoral care?
Dimensions of Pastoral Care
Worship
In
an earlier time, a pastor caring for his flock, engaging in the activities
related to the cure of souls meant, in great part, leading them in worship.
There is much truth to the Jesuit liturgical scholar Jungmann’s sweeping
statement that “for centuries, the liturgy, actively celebrated, has been the
most important form for pastoral care”.[2]
The business of caring for souls(and not just tending to physical
and psychological needs) reminds us that the ministry of pastoral care is
grounded in the act of worship.When John Calvin wrote his Institutes of the Christian Religion (1559), he began by saying
that knowledge of ourselves is utterly bound up with our knowledge of God: “It
is certain that man never achieves a clear knowledge of himself unless he has first
looked upon God’s face, and then descends from contemplating him to scrutinise
himself.” (Institutes 1:1:2)
Calvin’s thinking on this subject is
consistent with the vision of heavenly worship described by the prophet Isaiah
(Isaiah 6:1-8). The first thing the prophet observes as he sees the Lord on a
heavenly throne is a scene of eternal praise as seraphs call to one another
across the temple: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is
full of his glory.” Then, as the prophet contemplates the glory of God in this
act of unrestrained praise, he is moved to declare, “Woe is me! I am lost, for
I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips.” The act
of praising God leads to an honest scrutiny of his human condition, which we
call confession. Note that it is his sinful state of being, not a catalogue of
sins, that the prophet is moved to confess. True confession occurs in the act
of being turned outwards and upwards towards God in praise; it is not a
naval-gazing, cataloguing exercise. Note too that the prophet declares not only
that he is a man of unclean lips, but also that he lives among a people of
unclean lips. Confession is both personal and vicarious.
Far from wallowing in his own sense of
sin, the prophet is then moved to declare with joy, “Yet my eyes have seen the
King, the Lord of hosts!” This is followed by one of the seraphs touching his
mouth with a burning coal and declaring, “Now that this has touched your lips,
your guilt has departed and your sin is blotted out.” Through word and symbolic
action the prophet is assured of God’s mercy and forgiveness.
Having looked upon the face of God and
beheld God’s glory, having been brought to an honest assessment of who he is
before God, and having been set free from the burden of sin and guilt, finally
the prophet hears a call to mission. “Whom shall I send?” the Lord asks, “Who
will go for us?” And the prophet replies, “Here am I; send me!”
Note the movement in the above vision of
worship from praise to confession to forgiveness to sending. This same
progression should be evident in every act of Christian worship, not only
because it follows a biblical pattern, but also because it enshrines that
insight which Calvin articulated so well, namely, that it is only as we
contemplate God that we are brought to true knowledge of ourselves.
Such knowledge is integral to the work of
pastoral care. Consider how each element worship in Isaiah’s vision says
something significant about who we are: The act of praise tells us that, as
creatures made in God’s image, we are at our must human in the act of praising
our Creator; the act of confession confronts us with the uncomfortable truth
that we are sinners and that we live in a world of sin; the act of forgiveness
tells us that only God deals with sin at its deepest level, and forgiveness is
an act of unmerited grace; the act of sending tells us that in worship we are
being healed and restored not just for our own benefit but in order that we
might participate in God’s mission.We are being shaped for something bigger
than ourselves.
Traditionally, these and other elements of
Christian worship such as prayers of intercession are placed within a structure
of worship that falls into two main parts: the ministry of the Word and the
ministry of the Table. This twofold division can be traced back to the early
church, and is evident in the well-known story of the Emmaus journey,found in
Luke 24:13-35. There we read of the risen Jesus interpretinghimself to two
disciples in their reading of the scriptures (ministry of the Word) and then
sitting with them at table, whereupon, in a manner reminiscent of the Last
Supper, he takes bread, blesses it, breaks it and gives it to them (ministry of
the Table).
As people of the Word, we follow the
example of the Emmaus travellers in listening for the voice of the risen Lord
in and through the scriptures. This requires of us a certain attentiveness,
teachability and obedience. We approach the Word in the same manner as the
first disciples – in need of having our thoughts and actions recalibrated to
reflect the logic of the Kingdom.
In Isaiah 55:10-11 an evocative image is
given of God’s word descending from heaven like rain and snow, and then
returning to heaven having accomplished that for which it is sent, namely
watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower
and bread to the eater. Our Scottish forebears used that image to talk about
the role of elders in the church. Just as pastors, through their preaching, are
sowers of the Word, so elders, through their ministry of pastoral care, must
seek the fruit of the Word among those who hear it. This is a ministry of care,
prayer and encouragement. Thus understood, preaching and pastoral care are
complementary ministries.
As people of the Table, we follow the
example of the Emmaus travellers in table fellowship with the risen Lord.
Having interpreted himself to us through the scriptures, the Lord now hosts us
at his table. He ministers to us. Through the power of Holy Spirit he enables
us to share in his communion with the Father. At his table we discover that
before we can give to others we must first receive from the Lord, and before we
can minister to others we must first be ministered to. This is important to
remember lest we reduce ministry to a checklist of tasks and obligations and
forget that it is properly grounded in grace. Before ministry is a task it is a
gift.
The meal we share at the Lord’s Table is
both a remembrance meal (“Do this is remembrance of me”), and an eschatological
meal in which we eagerly await the day when “every knee shall bend in heaven
and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus
Christ is Lord.” (Philippians 2:10-11) In other words, the meal is not just backward-looking
or even present-looking; it is forward-looking. Yes, we remember the Lord’s
death, but as an ancient part of the communion liturgy reminds us, we remember
the Lord’s death until he comes again.
Communion is thus a thanksgiving for what is and what has been, and a yearning
for what is yet to come. Sitting at table with the risen and ascended Lord
should prompt us to pray even more fervently, “Your kingdom come; your will be
done on earth as it is in heaven.” This prayer should undergird all pastoral
care.
How
does your experience of worship inform your understanding of pastoral care?
Prayer
What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear,
what a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer; O what peace we often forfeit, O what
needless pain we bear, all because we do
not carry everything to God in prayer![3]
As we get involved in people’s lives and
identify with their struggles,a prayerful yearning for God’s will to be done on
earth as it is in heaven will inevitably translate into specific prayers and
actions. Many of the people we minister to and among will desire prayer.
But what sort of prayer is appropriate in
a given situation, and what do we hope will be achieved through prayer?To carry
everything to God in prayer might indeed be a privilege, but what does it mean
in practice? What we pray and how we pray will speak volumes about our faith
and what we truly believe about God.
For many people prayer is primarily a form
of self-expression. Carrying everything to God in prayer means praying whatever
is on one’s heart at a given point in time. There are some problems with this
model of prayer, though. After all, Jesus didn’t instruct his disciples just to
pray what was on their hearts; he told them to pray in a particular way
(Matthew 6:9).And more than that, he warned them against heaping up empty
phrases (Matthew 6:7).
Jesus’ teaching suggests that prayer is a
learnt activity, aptly summed up in the title of a nineteenthcentury prayer
classic (by Andrew Murray): “With Christ in the School of Prayer”. The prayer
Jesus taught his disciples is still instructive for us. It is a model in
succinctness. Every word counts.
At the heart of the Lord’s Prayer is a
yearning for the coming of God’s reign (or Kingdom), which provides the basis
for the remaining petitions. When prayer is detached from this core yearning it
tends to be reduced to a rather arbitrary wish-list, directed at a
wish-list-granting god. By comparison, when we yearn for the Triune God’s reign
then we find ourselves seeking the mind of the One who proclaimed and embodied
that reign. To pray in the name of Christ is to seek his mind, to discern what
the Spirit is saying, to pray as Christ would have us pray and to live as he would
have us live. Yes, this is a daunting proposition, but it is precisely when we
feel the weight of our own inadequacies that we are encouraged by the Apostle
Paul’s assurance that the Spirit comes to us in our weakness and intercedes for
us with sighs too deep for words (Romans 8:26). What a wonderful thing it is to
discover that in prayer we not left to our own devices, and that prayer, far
from being a duty laid upon us, is nothing less than the “utterance of our
participation in the life of Christ” (John McLeod Campbell).
If the Lord’s Prayer has a lot to teach us
about prayer, so too do the Psalms, which have sometimes been referred to as
the church’s prayer book. To pray one’s way through the Psalms is to be drawn
into a pattern of praise, thanksgiving, confession, lament and petition. There
is a refreshing honesty about the Psalms. They cover everything from warm
devotion to deep despair, from trusting in God to contending with God, from
waiting on God to pleading with God, from cries of confession to calls for
vindication. The world of the Psalmist is a volatile one in which faith is
expressed in the context of suffering and struggle.
As important as it is to familiarise
ourselves with the Psalms and even to commit many of them to memory, it is equally
important that we allow them to inspire fresh prayers that speak more directly
into our own context and experience. It is also important that, as Christians,
we learn to read and appropriate the Psalms through the lens of the Cross. We
might therefore ask ourselves, “What does it mean to pray this Psalm in,
through and with Christ? In what ways has the prayer of the Psalmist perhaps
been fulfilled, answered or extended in Christ? In the light of the Cross,
would we want to add anything?”
Thankfully, we are not thrown back on our
own resourcefulness in this task. There are some good resources available to
help us. For example: Jim Cotter’s three volume series Through Desert Places (A Version of Psalms 1-50); By Stony Paths (Psalms 51-100) and Towards the City (Psalms 101-150). And
David Grant’s Grant Us Your Peace:
Prayers from the Lectionary Psalms.
Besides the Psalms there are many prayers
in the Bible that lend themselves to being used as templates or inspirations
for contemporary prayer. It is sometimes (wrongly) assumed that for prayer to
be true and authentic then it has to be completely new and spontaneous. But
consider Jonah and the prayer that he prays from inside the belly of the big
fish. Every line of Jonah’s prayer and every key image or phrase in it has its
origin in the Psalms. It is fresh and creative, insofar as the words and
phrases are put together in a new way to speak into a particular situation, but
it is learned prayer insofar as the words and phrases are drawn from a source
that has sustained many people before Jonah and will continue to sustain many
people after he has gone.
Pastorally, it can be very helpful to
encourage people to pray, not by casting them back on their own resources, but
by putting them in touch with the Psalms and other biblical prayers. Some of
the great pastoral Psalms like Psalm 23 and Psalm 121 serve this purpose
particularly well. There are also many fine collections of prayers by people
who throughout the history of the church have become renowned for prayer –
people like Julian of Norwich, Thomas Merton, Henri Nouwen, Jim Cotter, Ann
Weems, Joy Cowley and Eddie Askew.
Is
there someone who, for you, has been a role model in prayer? What have you
learnt about prayer from that person?
Is
there a psalm or other biblical prayer that has been particularly meaningful
for you over the years? What is it about that psalm or prayer that makes it so?
Healing
In this bread there is healing, in this cup is life forever.
In
this moment, by the Spirit,
Christ
is with us here.[4]
One of the great concepts that Judaism has
given to the world is that of shalom.
Throughout the Hebrew Scriptures shalom
is used in a variety of ways. It has connotations of peace, wholeness,
completion, harmony, prosperity, security, reconciliation and joy. The prophet
Ezekiel, in a visionary passage refers to God establishing a “covenant of
shalom” and providing “plantations of shalom” (Ezekiel 34:25-29a). Shalom is woven into the movement from
chaos to order in the very act of creation, culminating in the peace and joy of
the Sabbath (Genesis 2:1-4a). Shalom
is intensely personal, as reflected in the Bible’s most familiar Sabbath
blessing, which ends with the words, “The Lord lift up his countenance upon
you, and give you shalom” (Numbers
6:26), and in the everyday Jewish greeting, “Shalom aleichem,” which may be
translated as“Well-being be upon you" or "May you be well.”
Interestingly, in John 20:21 the risen
Christ uses the greeting “Peace be with you,” a translation of shalom aleichem. And in the Gospels
Jesus is portrayed as the One who not only pronounces shalom, but also establishes shalom.
In Mark 4:37-39, for example, we are told that Jesus rebuked the wind and said
to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” This command serves the same purpose as the
hovering spirit of God in Genesis 1:2, namely to bring elemental chaos and
disorder under God’s liberating and lifegiving rule. What Mark wants his
readers to recognise in Jesus is the establishment of shalom in a universe that apart from God’s rule is disordered,
chaotic and unfulfilling.
This same dynamic is evident in the
so-called healing miracles of Jesus. It is all part and parcel of the
inauguration of God’s reign, a sign of the Kingdom, the birth of a new creation
in the midst of the old. The miracles are enacted pronouncements of God’s
victory over all earthly manifestations of the forces of sin and death. At
Jesus’ word sinners are forgiven, the blind can see, lepers are cleansed, and
the lame leap for joy. His healing ministry, charged with eschatological hope,
anticipates his resurrection. And it is precisely this which sets him apart
from all the other itinerant preachers and charismatic healers of his day.
Why is this important? It is important
because without this biblical backdrop we tend to view healing in very
individualistic terms and to equate it with physical cure, whereas the biblical
notion of shalom compels us to think
more broadly and deeply about issues of wellness and illness.[5]Let me give
an example. Some years ago I was involved in the pastoral care of a woman who
was in the terminal phase of her battle with cancer. I was privileged to
witness healing take place, not in terms of a physical cure, but rather in
terms of the woman being reconciled with her estranged brother and reaching a
point of internal shalom whereby she
was able to declare with the Apostle Paul, “We do not live to ourselves and we
do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die
to the Lord; so then whether we live or whether we die, we are the
Lord’s.”(Romans 14:7) This had a calming effect on those around her. The
distress that her husband and children had been feeling up until this point was
eased considerably, and the remaining time that they had together as a family
was characterised by a deep sense of gratitude. Amidst the tears there was much
laughter.
Here is another story that invites us to
rethink our notions of wellness and healing from a Kingdom perspective. The
late Henri Nouwen once described attending an Easter vigil in a community of
severely handicapped people. The cry of “The Lord is risen!”, Nouwen said, was
shouted in a multitude of languages, accompanied by bells, alleluias, smiles,
laughter and a deep sense of hope. Nouwen wrote:
While all this joy filled the chapel, I
saw that Nathan stood up with Philippe in his arms and left the church.
Philippe’s body is severely distorted. He cannot speak, walk, dress, or feed
himself and needs help every second of his waking hours. . . .When I saw
Philippe in Nathan’s arms I suddenly realised what we were proclaiming on this
Easter vigil. Philippe’s body is a body destined to a new life, a resurrected
life. In his new body he will carry the signs of his suffering, just as Jesus
carried the wounds of the crucifixion into his glory. And yet he will no longer
be suffering, but will join the saints around the altar of the lamb. . . .What
a faith! What a hope! What a love! The body (even a deformed body) is not a
prison to escape from, but a temple in which God already dwells, and in which
God’s glory will be fully manifested on the day of the resurrection.[6]
If we are able, together with Paul, to say
that our life is somehow hidden in God with Christ, who is our redeemer and
intercessor, and that when Christ who is our life is revealed then we also will
be revealed with him in glory (Colossians 3:3-4), then we have a basis for
looking forward to the day when, in Christ, the old creation will have given
way to the new, and the glory of God, glimpsed now only in part, will be fully
revealed. Armed with this hope, we might, in the words of Paul, feel afflicted
in every way in this life, but we are not crushed, we might be perplexed, but
we will not be driven to despair, we might be struck down, but we will not be
destroyed. For, by faith, we are always carrying in our bodies the death of
Jesus, so that the life of Jesus might also be made visible in our bodies. (2
Corinthians 4:8-10).
In this context, what role does prayer
play? John McLeod Campbell, a nineteenth-century Scottish theologian, defined
prayer as “the utterance of participation in the life of Christ,” through which
we are directed by the Spirit to seek the mind of the One who continually prays
for the world he has redeemed in suffering love, and join our prayers to his.
Prayer anticipates a future in which Christ will be all and in all.
Roman Catholic theologian, Hans Urs von
Balthasar, suggests that this means “we do not build the kingdom of God on
earth by our own efforts (however assisted by grace); the most we can do,
through genuine prayer, is to make as much room as possible, in ourselves and
in the world, for the kingdom of God, so that its energies can go to work.”[7] Thus
understood, the time between the first and second coming of Christ is not a
time for passivity but for prayer. Or, as Christopher Cocksworth puts it: “It
is the time for intercession in which God’s people pray for the coming of God’s
will. And as they pray they discover that their groaning and the groaning of
the rest of creation is none less than the groaning of the eschatological
Spirit who yearns for manifestation of the new creation and so ‘intercedes with
sighs too deep for words.’”[8]
The reality of praying between the times –
of the first and second coming of Christ, and the old creation and the new –
means that prayer should not be reduced to a cause-and-effect formula. People
who are ill should not have placed upon them the added burden of feeling that
if only they had more faith then their prayers for a physical cure would be
answered. Both the process of healing and the act of prayer are more complex
than that, as is their relationship to one another.
One of my former mentors in ministry, the
late Bill Temple, testified to a time when he suffered a major heart attack and
was admitted to hospital. The prognosis was grim and Bill, feeling that death
may not be far away, found himself plunged into despair. That evening a
colleague in ministry visited him, anointed him with oil, and prayed for him.
Immediately, Bill felt his body supported and bathed in God’s love. It was a
turning point. Not that there was any kind of miraculous cure on a physical
level – Bill still had a long period of recuperation in hospital, and he knew
that no amount of prayer would stave off future heart attacks if he didn’t heed
medical advice and attend to matters of diet, exercise and stress. But on a
psychological and spiritual level, things had changed dramatically. Bill’s
testimony taught me two important things about healing: (1) That spiritual
disciplines (including prayer) should be regarded as a supplement to
conventional medicine (also a gift from God), not as substitutes for it; and (2)
That ritual and symbol can be important elements of a healing process.
The practice of anointing the sick with
oil dates back to biblical times. There are two references to the practice in
the New Testament. Firstly Mark, in his account of the twelve disciples being
sent out in pairs to Galilean villages, says that they “anointed with oil many
who were sick and cured them.” (Mark 6:13) Then James, in his epistle, writes:
“Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have
them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord.” (James
5:14)
What is the significance of oil? It is a
biblical sign of God’s redemptive work. Its use reminds us that all healing
falls under the orbit of God’s salvific work, and that God is the ultimate
agent of healing. Indeed, one of the Hebrew names for God is Jehovah-rapha,
which means, “The Lord who heals.”
If oil is a powerful symbol of redemption
and healing, so too, in the Christian tradition, is Eucharistic bread.There is
a Graham Kendrick song called “Here is bread”, which in the opening line of the
refrain claims that “in this bread there is healing.” This is a compelling
affirmation. It is not that the bread contains some kind of magical healing
agent (any more than oil for anointing), but rather in the act of eating
together the symbols of Jesus’ body, given and broken for the life and shalom of the world there is a sense in
which the ancient declaration of Isaiah, spoken in reference to the Suffering
Servant, becomes a present reality: “By his bruises we are healed.” (Isaiah
53:5)
Insofar as Holy Communion embodies and
conveys this eschatological promise and is grounded in the ministry of the
crucified and risen Lord, by whose wounds we are healed, it is a powerful
symbol of, and vehicle for healing in a broken and hurting world. There is much
to be gained from exploring the issue of healing from a Eucharistic
perspective. Through ritual and symbol it suggests that health or well-being is
more than the absence of illness and a feeling of inner peace and contentment.
It is about being fully human, understood in terms of sharing in the life of
the one whom we confess as the true Human Being, the Second Adam (cf. Romans
5:12-21 and 1 Corinthians 15:45-49), and in, through and with him, giving glory
to, and sharing in the life and mission of the Triune God.
Given all that has been said above, what
advice would I give to those who feel called to participate in a ministry of
healing?
1.
Allow the biblical concept of shalom, in all its dimensions, to shape
your understanding of wellness and healing.
2.
Draw a distinction between
healing and cure. The former may include the latter, but it is also far broader
and allows for a wider range of outcomes.Communicate this clearly to those who
ask for healing (but often want a miraculous cure).
3.
Regard faith and prayer as
being complementary to medicine and science and the body’s innate healing
properties, not as substitutes. Do notunderestimate the power of prayer, but
also do not over-spiritualise the healing process.
4.
Resist the temptation to adopt
a problem-solving approach to healing. Cultivate instead skills of listening
and discernment: What is the Spirit saying? Where are the signs of the Kingdom
in this situation? Where are the possibilities for shalom? For what should I/we be praying?
5.
Do not underestimate the power
of ritual and symbol to communicate deep mysteries of faith, to put people in
touch with the affective and intuitive aspects of their psyche, and to
cultivate an appreciation for silence and contemplation.
6.
Allow the Scriptures to shape
and inform your prayers for healing; don’t simply bombard God with requests and
petitions. Give voice to lament as appropriate, provide opportunity for
thanksgiving, learn to wait on God in silence, and ground everything in the
promises of Scripture and the intercessions of Christ and the Spirit.
What
has been your own experience of healing in a Christian context? What lessons
have you learnt andwhat insights have you gained?
If
you were to offer your own advice on the subject, what would you add or change
in relation to the above list?
Hospitality
So
welcome home, I bid you welcome, I bid you welcome
Welcome
home from the bottom of our hearts
Welcome
home, see I’ve made a space for you now
Welcome
home from the bottom of our hearts
From
the bottom of our hearts[9]
Much is (rightly) made these days of the
significance of hospitality, of making newcomers feel welcome and of providing
multiple opportunities for fellowship in our churches. Living as we do in a
café culture, many churches are seeking to allow aspects of that culture to
transform the way they do church. Rapidly disappearing are the days of
providing a packet of biscuits and instant coffee in draughty church halls and
drab lounges after worship services. In their place we are seeing church foyers
being transformed into warm, light and spacious hospitality hubs where good
coffee and food are served both before and after the service, and in many cases
during the week too. Some churches are going further by allowing the café
concept to inform and change the very shape and content of their worship. Such
services tend to be informal and interactive, and they make a lot of use of
multimedia – PowerPoint, DVD clips and the like.
Hospitality serves important pastoral
purposes of making people feel welcome and providing places of belonging.
Interestingly, the root meaning of the Hebrew word for salvation in the Old
Testament is “to be roomy” or “to make room for”, or “to create space for”.I
was reminded of this a few years ago when I heard Dave Dobbyn’s song, “Welcome
Home”, which includes a wonderful line, as he alludes to the settling of
immigrants to this country:“See, I’ve made a space for you now.”
An integral part of hospitality from a
biblical and theological perspective, then, is about making the stranger feel
welcome, making space for those who are not like us. Indeed it even goes so far
as to include the notion of being reconciled to those from whom we may have
been estranged. The Apostle Paul made this a recurring theme in his
correspondence to fledgling Christian communities – e.g., Galatians 3:28. It’s
not just that Jews and Gentiles, men and women, slave and free, all have their
place – a form of peaceful co-existence as it were – but rather, the very
things that divide them, allowing one ethnic group or class of people to
dominate another,dissolve,and in their absence a new reconciled and reconciling
humanity has been born.
It is this radical, transformative
dimension to God’s hospitality, on display every time Christians gather around
the Lord’s Table, which sets the church apart from every other
organisation.Other community groups may surpass the church in their ability to
welcome newcomers and provide fellowship,but every time Christians gather for
worship and receive the “holy bread of heaven which gives us life” (John
Calvin),they are reminded of a deeper and more profound dimension to
hospitality – a dimension that originates in God and overflows from the throne
of Grace, overcoming sin, binding people together in a reconciling embraceand
serving as a sign of God’s intention for the world.
Understood in this way, exploring ways of
becoming more hospitable will involve more than adding a caféexperience to
church attendance. In her remarkable book, Take
This Bread, Sara Miles describes the experience of early one morning in San
Francisco, for no earthly reason, wandering into a church, receiving communion,
and finding herself transformed – embracing a faith she had once scorned.
Before long, she turned the bread she ate at communion into tons of groceries,
piled at the foot of the church’s communion table to be given away. Within a
few years, she and the people she served had started nearly a dozen food
pantries in the poorest parts of their city.Her story graphically illustrates
the missional potential of Eucharistic hospitality. For those who feel confused
or overwhelmed by all the talk around being a missional church, I would say,
concentrate first on being a hospitable church. Properly understood, this will
not make your church inward looking; rather, it will sharpen you for witness
and mission.
What
would becoming more hospitable entail for your church?
Care
Suffer
us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach
us to care and not to care
Teach
us to sit still
Even
among these rocks,
Our
peace in His will
And
even among these rocks
Sister,
mother
And
spirit of the river, spirit of the sea,
Suffer
me not to be separated
And
let my cry come unto Thee.[10]
Christians do not have a monopoly on acts
of care and compassion. But such acts do lie at the heart of our calling to
follow the One who “went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their
synagogues, and proclaiming the good news of the Kingdom, and curing every
disease and every sickness” and “when he saw the crowds, he had compassion for
them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
(Matthew 9:35-36) It goes without saying that Christians care and that the
communities of faith to which they belong will be communities of care. This is
part and parcel of living out the Jesus-commandment to love our neighbours as
ourselves. This is what we sign up for when we respond to Christ’s call upon
our lives, knowing that such care will at times demand deep and costly
commitments.
That said, we might ask: Of what does the
Christian duty of care consist? In the section on prayer above we noted that
prayer is a learnt activity. Could the same be said of care? This was a
question posed by T.S. Eliot who, in his famous “Ash Wednesday” poem, written
shortly after his conversion to the Christian faith in 1927, penned this
remarkable prayer-line: “Teach us to care and not to care.”
What might this prayer be important for us
today?
Firstly, teach us to care. Perhaps the
first thing to note here is the distinction between kindness and care. If you
have watched the Ellen DeGeneres television talk show you might have noticed
that she always signs off her show with the exhortation to “be kind to one
another.” But being kind to one another does not carry the same weight as
caring for one another. Caring implies a relationship and an ongoing commitment
in which lives become inextricably linked. Whereas pity and beneficence tend to
be the primary motivators for acts of kindness and charity, it is compassion
that sparks our motivation to care. We can be kind to one another yet still
live autonomous lives, largely isolated from,and even indifferent towards the
suffering that is evident all around us.
When we pray, “Lord, teach us to care,” we
are not only voicing our determination to allow compassion to break down the
walls of indifference that exist between us; we are also resisting the
professionalization of care that has become a feature of our age. Have you
noticed that in the case of a public tragedy, for example, one of the first
things usually to be reported is that counselling has been offered to the
victims and their families? It seems that we can no longer rely on local
communities and family networks to provide the requisite networks of care and
support. Care has become something that we expect the health sector,
not-for-profit organisations (including Christian social service agencies) and
specialists to deliver on our behalf. On the one hand, this makes perfectly
good sense, as most churches lack the resources and expertise to provide the
level of care that is required in many situations; on the other hand, though,
itabsolves us of the need to become personally involved in the provision of
care for our fellow human beings. We show we care by referring people to the
right agency or organisation or by sending them on their way with a food parcel
or supermarket voucher. Persons made in the image of God are reduced to
clients, healthcare consumers, welfare beneficiaries and recipients of charity.
“Lord, teach us to care,” constitutes a
plea for this distorted thinking to be corrected and to take responsibility for
those aspects of care that are best located within those grassroots communities
of care and worship that we call the church.
And so now to the second half of the
prayer: “Teach us not to care.” At first glance this appears to be a
contradiction, but perhaps at a deeper level it constitutes something of a
reality check for us. Such is the scale of need in our world that it can be likened
to a huge sponge soaking up every ounce of care we throw at it. Not only is it
never satisfied; the more it is fed with care the more it appears to grow, as
evidenced by the ever-expanding health care system and the ever-growing list of
charities, not-for-profit organisations and community initiatives. Society’s
provision of care, well intentioned and practical, can inadvertently encourage
self-pity and a sense of entitlement. American author Eugene Peterson puts it
this way:
There is a great irony here – that so much
of our caring nurtures sin. The only group in our society who show any sign of
acknowledging this is parents of young children. Parents know that there is
nothing less innocent than childhood. After a few weeks, months at most, of responding
unquestioningly to every sign of need, mothers and fathers start getting smart,
start filtering the requests, cross-examining the wails. If they don’t, they
realise in a few years, and with a sense of dismay, that it might be too late
to do anything about it, because as they have been bandaging knees, wiping away
tears, buying designer jeans, running interference for break-away emotions,
they have at the same time been feeding pride, nourishing greed, fuelling lust
and cultivating envy. But outside the circumstances of childrearing, there does
not seem to be much awareness of this deviousness. The moment any one of us
says, “Help me!” and discovers how quickly others are in attendance on us,
making us the centre and confirming our importance, a vast field for the
exercise of sin – that is, getting our own godless and neighbourless way –
opens up. It is really quite incredible the amount of illness, unhappiness,
trouble, and pain that is actually chosen, because it is such an effective way
of being in control, of being important, of exercising God-like prerogatives,
of being recognised as significant, without entering the strenuous
apprenticeship of becoming truly human, which always requires learning the love
of God, practising the love of neighbour.[11]
The prayer, “Lord, teach us not to care,”
counters this tendency to indulge those manipulative impulses that sometimes
accompany expressions of need. Part of caring is to exercise discernment and to
develop models of care that go beyond do-goodism and activism. Perhaps this is
what T.S. Eliot had in mind when he followed his plea to be taught to care and
not to care with another plea: Teach us to sit still and to find our peace in
the Lord’s will. In the midst of all our caring deeds, never let us neglect the
task of encouraging one another to be still, to contemplate the deep mysteries
of faith and to find our peace in God.
What
might be entailed in your church learning to care more fully in the manner of
Christ?
Do
you see any differences between the duty of care that is laid upon the church
and the duty of care that is exercised in society?
Counselling
O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down
and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my
path and my lying down, and are
acquainted with all my ways.[12]
Many pastoral encounters will entail some
form of counselling. But few parish ministers, elders and pastoral care workers
will be accredited counsellors or indeed have had any formal training in counselling.
That is okay, provided that they operate strictly within the parameters of
their own clearly defined roles and levels of competence. To this end, it is
helpful to make a distinction between pastoral counselling and professional
counselling. Pastoral counselling takes place in the context of a pastoral
relationship, which itself is imbedded in the life of a pastoral community,
which we call the church. It will utilise the tools of scripture, ritual,
prayer and community support as appropriate. It will have a strong faith
component, consistent with its focus on the “cure of souls”. By way of
comparison, professional counselling is more interventionist, specialised and
contractual.
A key lesson to learn for those engaged in
pastoral counselling is when and under what circumstances professional
counselling should be recommended.
Some people who are referred to a
professional counselling service will indicate a preference for a Christian
counsellor. This usually reflects a desire to meet with someone who will
respect and perhaps even share their own faith-based worldview and who will not
regard as irrelevant certain tools of faith like prayer.
What are the basic skills of pastoral
counselling? Most people involved in this area of ministry are likely to list
the following sorts of things:
1.
Deep listening: This involves
not only hearing the words that are being spoken, but reading body language,
hearing what is not being said, interpreting what you are hearing, and
discerning what underlying issues there might be. It means listening with
respect, focusing totally on the person who is speaking to you, and not jumping
to conclusions.
2.
Deep questioning: This will
include asking questions of clarification and questions that encourage
self-reflection and the expression of thoughts and feelings associated with the
matter(s) being talked about. It does not mean that you can only ever ask
questions and never offer advice or share from your own experience, but do so
sparingly and never to the point of dominating the conversation and making it
all about you. Sadly, there are far too many occasions where people being
counselled have come away from such conversations saying that they seemed to be
more about the counsellor’s agenda and issues than theirs.
3.
Being self-aware: This
includes: (1) Knowing your own value and belief system (there is no such thing
as value-free or belief-neutral counselling); (2) Knowing (as far as you are
able) your own needs, limitations, vulnerabilities and unresolved issues, and
being able to say when a line of conversation is taking you outside your
comfort zone and beyond your area of experience and competence.
4.
Respecting the sanctity of the
pastoral conversation: This might necessitate assuring the person with whom you
are talking of the confidential nature of the conversation, and at a certain
point in the conversation seeking their permission (for specified reasons) to
disclose to the minister or some other appropriate person the nature of the
conversation.
5.
Offering prayer as appropriate.
6.
Keeping safe through: (1)
Supervision; (2) Adhering to a code of pastoral ethics; (3) Maintaining
appropriate distance and avoiding emotional co-dependence; (4) Not allowing
yourself to be in a situation where you might be compromised or lay yourself
open to accusations of ethical misconduct.
In
your experience, what makes for effective pastoral counselling? What would you
change or add to the above list?
Faith
Formation
You
shall put these words of mine in your heart and soul, and you shall bind them
as a sign on your hand, and fix them as an emblem on your forehead. Teach them
to your children, talking about them when you are at home and when you are
away, when you lie down and when you rise.[13]
In the section on worship as pastoral
care, we identified pastoral work with the task of seeking the fruit of the
Word among those who hear it. There is a presumption here that those who hear
the Word of God do not receive it passively; rather, they are being formed for
discipleship in much the same manner as the very first disciples who followed
Jesus and listened to his teaching. What we are talking about here is a
lifelong process of spiritual growth and faith formation, or as the Apostle
Paul puts it in 2 Corinthians 3:18, “being transformed into the same image from
one degree of glory to another.”
Faith formation takes many forms. It
occurs in worship, not only as we attend to the Word of God, but also as we
pray and sing and gather around the Table. Faith formation thus consists of
didactic (preaching/teaching/instruction) and doxological
(praise/worship/prayer) elements. We are formed in mind and spirit. It is
important to hold these two things together. Faith formation that focuses on
the didactic and neglects the doxological risks becoming impersonal and
theoretical. Conversely, faith formation that focuses on the doxological and
neglects the didactic risks being superficial and sentimental.
A key aspect of pastoral care will be the
encouragement that is given to people to keep growing in the Faith, personally
and in community. In 1 Corinthians 3:2 a contrast is drawn between infants in
Christ who are fed with milk and spiritually mature people who are ready for
solid food. Some people show no desire to move beyond the infant stage;
however, allowing people to stagnate in faith is not good pastorally. A
stagnant or underdeveloped faith will be less able to cope with challenge and
change. Opportunities for growth might include home-groups, Christian education
programmes, baptism and confirmation classes, prayer groups, personal
mentoring, spiritual supervision, spiritual disciplines, journaling, personal
devotions, reflective reading of scripture, pastoral conversations, spiritual
retreats, mission and outreach activities, and courses in biblical studies and
theology.
Behind this range of opportunities is a
wide range of people involved in the task of faith formation. It is not just
the task of ministers, paid professionals and volunteer leaders. In recent
decades, one of the most neglected contexts for faith formation and pastoral
care has been the home. Within Christian history marriage and parenting have
been considered vocations. The home is to be a sign of the kingdom, a place
where faith is nurtured and disciples are formed.
What this means in practice today will, of
course, vary from home to home and will be contingent on a whole range of
factors; the main point to note is the significance of the home for faith
formation and pastoral care. This has always been a characteristic feature of
the Reformed tradition. In his manual on Christian piety, for example, a
seventeenth-century Puritan, Lewis Bayly, recommended that families, upon their
return home from church each Sunday, discuss the sermon and account for what
they have learned, integrating their learning throughout the week with daily
readings from a catechism. Moreover, Bayly and other Puritan leaders strongly
advised that every family read a full chapter of scripture at the beginning and
ending of every day and at noon, thereby enabling the whole Bible to be read in
a year.
More recently, some readers will be
familiar with the names of Tom and James Torrance, two Scottish ministers and
world-renowned theologians who died just a few years ago. James’ son, Alan,
taught systematic theology at the Theological Hall in Dunedin in the late 1980s
and early 90s. In 2007, An Introduction
to Torrance Theology was published. It included a personal statement by
Tom’s and James’ brother David about their
family background. David wrote: “Our love for the Scriptures and our
theological education started from a very early age with our parents’ teaching.
... Our parents had a steadfast faith in God, a love for the Word of God and a
firm belief in the power of prayer. Every day we met for family worship which
was led by one of our parents. This continued from our earliest days of infancy
until one by one we left home. ... As children, our parents expounded to us the
Scriptures. They inspired us with a love for the Lord and a love of God’s Word.
From our earliest years they encouraged us to read the Bible every day for
ourselves and to read it through each year, which we have continued to do. ...
They encouraged us to memorise fairly large portions of Scripture, particularly
the Psalms, which we have always appreciated. ... Our parents also guided us in
our Christian reading, and introduced us to various commentaries like Luther’s Galatians. ... While still at high
school we were introduced to Calvin’s Institutes.”
Whilst few families today would achieve
this level of Christian guidance and encouragement in the home, we do need to
ask what can be done to combat the rising tide of biblical and theological
illiteracy in our churches. How might be better encourage and resource parents
for the task of faith formation in the home? Do we even regard this as an
important thing to do?
One of the difficulties we face in this
regard is the individualistic mindset that pervades much of Western culture.
According to this mindset, anything that threatens the autonomy of the
individual is regarded with suspicion. Many parents want their children to
develop their own personal spirituality, and they shy away from anything which they
might regard as indoctrination. Spirituality, yes, religion, no; exposure to a
range of spiritual experiences, yes, commitment to a particular faith community
and a set of practices and beliefs, no.
This helps explain the reluctance of many
parents today to have their children baptized. Not wanting to “impose” their
beliefs on their children, they adopt a position of “practical agnosticism”:
“Let our children decide for themselves when they’re old enough to do so,” they
say.
There are two major problems with this
reasoning though. Firstly, it presumes that we can raise our children in a
belief-neutral environment, which clearly is not possible. Every home functions
in accordance with an implied set of beliefs and an underlying worldview, which
will include certain assumptions about what it means to be human and what the
purpose or meaning of life might be. Secondly, it is contrary to the biblical
notion of being part of a covenant community that consists of entire households
and families, not just consenting adults. Freedom, understood biblically, is
not freedom from commitment and
community, but rather freedom in
commitment and community.
If you are committed to intentionally
ministering to children and families, we encourage you to join the Kids Friendly
Network, of which Jill Kayser is the national coach. Kids Friendly offer a wide
range of training events and resources for churches, including the following:
1.
A “Partnering with Parents”
workshop, which will:
Transform parents’ thinking
on faith development and help them embrace their role as spiritual
nurturers.
Equip parents to share and practise their faith with their children
Encourage churches to be more inclusive of
young people and to intentionally disciple them.
2.
A “Sharing Faith@Home” workshop
designed to inspire parents to share their faith with their children and
explore ways of doing that. A “faith@home” flyer reminds parents of the
important role they play in faith development and gives practical tips on
sharing faith, reading scripture and praying together. It includes recommended
books, websites, family devotions and other resources.
3.
Family devotion resources that
follow the church year, including Advent, Lent, Easter and Christmas.
4.
All-age faith-sharing resources
for use in church services.
5.
A Kids Friendly library
consisting of many books and practical resources.
To find out
more, just visit the Kids Friendly web site: http://www.presbyterian.org.nz/nationalministries/kids-friendly
Why
is faith formation an important dimension of pastoral care? How can you and
your church be more intentional about the task of faith formation?
Discipline
Finally
beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever
is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any
excellence and it there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen
in me, and the God of peace will be with you.[14]
In John Calvin’s day in Geneva, a group of
elders called a Consistory (in effect a session) met weekly and ruled on
matters of personal morality, business practice and public ethics. This proved
to be the most controversial aspect of Calvin's reforms, but it did lead John
Knox to observe that Geneva was the “most godly city ever established on
earth.” Discipline “rightly administered” came to be regarded as a mark of the
Scottish Church, alongside preaching and celebration of the Lord’s Supper.
While the notion of discipline has negative connotations nowadays, it should be
remembered that discipline, in a
church context, is concerned with the formation of disciples, of people whose lives are ordered by the gospel.
Nurture, encouragement and even correction, sensitively and prayerfully
exercised in the context of pastoral care, and determined always by love, might
be deemed an appropriate means of strengthening faith and forming disciples
within the Christian community.
People might find it more helpful these
days to talk about accountability rather than discipline. In the absence of any
form of accountability there is a very real danger of “spiritual narcissism”,
whereby people simply do whatever is right in their own eyes. Forms of
accountability might include spiritual supervision, prayer partners and
personal mentoring in ministry. Many people have experienced great value in
committing themselves to time-honoured personal spiritual disciplines, adapted
to fit today’s context and consisting of daily habits of faith, including
regulated prayer and Bible study.
What
are the means in your church by which people hold each other to account for the
faith they profess?
A Code of
Conduct
The fact that most professions these days
have codes of ethics is indicative of the importance that is attached to
maintaining professional standards, the integrity of behaviour and a proper
duty of care towards others. We must do whatever we can to safeguard ourselves
and others from breaches of trust, moral lapses and exploitative practices.
Codes of ethics on their own will not do this of course, but they do articulate
a basic set of expectations and requirements by which people may be held to
account.
The 1996 General Assembly commended to the
church the following Code of Ethics as an agreed minimum standard of practice
for those who share in the ministry of pastoral care:
Introduction
This Code is a statement of how the
Presbyterian Church of Aotearoa New Zealand understands the standards of
conduct of those members who undertake the work of pastoral care in its name.
In this context the term minister will include all, clergy and lay, who
undertake the work of pastoral care.
Pastoral care involves the formation of
special relationships characterised by openness and trust. These relationships
are developed in a variety of settings and a variety of ways, from informal
pastoral care to structured counselling situations.
This Code indicates acceptable ethical
behaviour for those offering pastoral care. While its focus is pastoral care,
it is also applicable wherever there is a ministry relation between people. By
the grace of God we are called to serve, and through the power of the Holy
Spirit we are sustained and encouraged to keep within this code.
Responsibilities to Those to
Whom We Offer Pastoral Care
1)
Ministers will deal truthfully
with people, encouraging free and open discussion, upholding their best
interests, rights and well-being.
2)
Ministers will respect the
right of people to privacy and confidentiality of information except when there
is a clear and imminent danger to those people or others, at which time they
will be informed of those limits.
3)
Ministers will recognise the
dignity and worth of every person and will offer pastoral care without unfair
discrimination.
4)
Ministers will not abuse their position
by taking advantage of people for personal, financial or institutional gain.
5)
Ministers will recognise that
sexual intimacy in the pastoral situation is unacceptable and will not subject
people to sexual exploitation, sexual harassment or sexual abuse.
6)
Ministers will recognise that
there are limits to their competence and will refer people to others when this
proves necessary or desirable. They will not attempt counselling without
training.
7)
Ministers will recognise that
there is a cultural context for pastoral care and will act with awareness and
sensitivity.
Responsibilities to the Church
1)
Ministers will uphold high
standards of practice in ministry and work for the advancement of those
standards.
2)
Ministers will exercise
stewardship in the time given to ministry, guarding against both over
commitment and avoidance of responsibility.
Responsibilities to Colleagues
and Other Pastoral Workers
1)
Ministers will promote
co-operation with colleagues, pastoral workers and members of other helping
professions, treating them with consideration and respecting professional
confidences.
2)
Ministers will seek mediation
through the courts of the church when conflicts with colleagues or others
within the church community arise.
3)
Ministers will take action
through the proper channels concerning unethical conduct by colleagues or other
pastoral workers.
Responsibilities to the Wider
Community
1)
Ministers will act to prevent
and eliminate unfair discrimination in the wider community.
2)
Ministers will encourage as
part of their pastoral task, participation in the shaping of social policies,
advocating the promotion of social justices, improved social conditions and a
fair sharing of the community’s resources.
Personal Responsibilities
1)
Ministers will use regular
approved supervision to maintain accountability and a high standard of pastoral
care.
2)
Ministers will use regular
opportunities for spiritual growth, personal recreation and refreshment.
3)
Ministers will seek to extend
and enhance their knowledge.
The
above Code of Ethics is described as an agreed minimum standard of practice for
those who share in the ministry of pastoral care. What sorts of things would
you add to raise it above the minimum standard?
Contexts of Pastoral Care
Routine
parish visiting
There are two ways of viewing the
discipline of visiting people associated with a particular church or
congregation: organisationally and theologically.
Organisationally, it’s about providing a
network of care that builds community, cultivates a sense of belonging and
encourages personal involvement. The value of this should not be underestimated.
The extent to which people support and contribute to the life of any
organisation will in many cases be closely related to the extent that they
identify with the ethos and purpose of that organisation and feel valued by it.
Churches that neglect this basic pastoral task and opportunity are likely to
struggle with fragmentation and declining membership.
Consider the following scenario: John and
Beth have been involved in their local church for many years, giving generously
of their time and talents, but as age has caught up with them they have
gradually withdrawn from the various committees and duty rosters that used to
demand so much of their time. Their involvement is now largely restricted to
attending worship on Sundays, providing modest ongoing financial support for
the church, and supporting occasional parish activities. One thing they notice,
however, is that, since pulling back from active involvement, they not only
feel out of the loop in terms of what is going on in the church, but nobody visits
them. It seems to be the case that if you’re not a newcomer or a major
contributor to the life of the church, or if you’re not going through a crisis
of some sort then you tend to “fall off the radar”. Even when John and Beth’s
church attendance becomes sporadic rather than regular, nobody makes contact.
It is only after they cancel their automatic payment to the church that the
minister phones them to ask if everything is alright.
Stories like this are not uncommon. After
prioritising the welcoming of newcomers, the pastoral care of their leadership
team, and responding to pastoral crises, many pastors and ministers have little
time or energy left for routine parish visiting. Nor do elders. With the move
in recent decades towards smaller Sessions and the substitution of Parish
Councils for Sessions, the old Presbyterian concept of elders’ pastoral
districts has all but had its day. Churches that have retained the position of
elder often define the role in terms of fulfilling a governance role to the exclusion
of pastoral responsibilities. In many churches, the responsibility for routine
pastoral care has been transferred to pastoral care workers (paid and unpaid),
pastoral visiting teams, homegroups and the like. A major challenge for these
alternative structures, though, is one of coordination; without it, the
pastoral care coverage can be patchy, resulting in many people like John and
Beth falling through the gaps. Managing expectations can also be problematic,
insofar as some people feel that they haven’t really been visited unless it’s
by a minister or elder. In many churches there appears to be very little
structure and intentionality around routine pastoral visiting.
It is instructive to note that when the
office of elder was developed in Scotland in the sixteenth century, the Church
of Scotland’sSecond Book of Discipline
(1578) said that “as the Pastors and Doctors should be diligent in teaching and
sowing the Seed of the Word, so the
Elders should be careful in seeking the Fruit of the same in the people.”Eldership,
thus described theologically, bore a strong spiritual and pastoral component,
which we in our day might say should consist of a ministry of prayer, care and
encouragement in the Faith.
Whether it is the eldership that takes
responsibility for this role today, or some alternative pastoral system, the
key thing is that it is done.
In my first parish I visited a parishioner
whose sister was visiting him from overseas. His sister was an artist. She
worked with stones that she picked up on her daily walks along the coastline.
She would bring the stones home, clean them, and let them sit for days and in
some cases weeks in her room. Each day she would hold one of these stones in
her hand, look at it from a variety of angles and in different lights. After a
period of contemplating the stone in this manner she would use a pencil to
gently highlight and enhance certain features– a seam, a flaw, a colour
variation, and so on – until such time as a picture emerged. Some of her
pictures were simply stunning.
I recall thinking at the time what a
wonderful metaphor for pastoral visiting this artistic process was. The artist
did not impose her own will on a given stone. Rather, with a creative eye she patiently
discerned that which was latent in the stone and brought it to the surface in
order that it might shine. I was reminded of the Apostle Paul’s words to the
Corinthian church: “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the
Lord a though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image
from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit”
(2 Corinthians 3:18).
Knowing that we are works in
progress, I do like the following prayer, the authorship of which is unknown
but which is often attributed to the Iona Community: O Christ, the Master Carpenter,
who at the last, through wood and nails,
purchased our whole salvation,
wield well your tools in the workshop of your world, so that we who come rough-hewn to your
bench may here be fashioned to a truer
beauty of your hand. We ask it for your
own name’s sake. Amen.
Seeking
the fruit of the Word among the people of God. What are ways in which this
happens in your context?
Who
is involved in routine parish visiting in your church? Is there scope for
improving the coordination and coverage of this aspect of pastoral care?
Relationship
counselling
As persons made in the image of the Triune
God we are relational beings. The quality of our relationships has a direct
bearing on our personal wellbeing.As Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said, “A
person is a person only through other persons.” Within a family there are
multiple relationships – spouse to spouse, parent to parent, parent to child,
sibling to sibling, as well as multiple extended family relationships involving
grandparents, in-laws, uncles and aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces. Add to
these the complexities of prior relationships, remarriage, de facto
relationships, merged families, adopted families, same-sex relationships and
cross-cultural relationships, and one begins to appreciate the huge range of
contexts in which personal and family relationships function, often very
positively, but sometimes problematically.Relationship difficulties can cause
huge emotional wounds which, if left unattended, can lead to all kinds of
dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. Examples are not hard to come by: The
teenager who rebels against parental expectations; the bitter and vindictive
divorcee; the high achieving workaholic whose life is dominated by his father’s
angry denouncement, “You’ll never amount to anything”; the abandoned child who,
as an adult, seems unable to commit to a long-term relationship; and so on.
Given the extent of emotional baggage that
we carry as human beings, we should not underestimate the therapeutic value of
prayer and worship as vehicles for the Gospel assurances of forgiveness and
healing. Nor should we underestimate the restorative value of being part of a
faith community that places healing and reconciliation at the heart of its life
together. The person who is in Christ is not to be regarded as a victim of
circumstance or to be defined in relation to their past, but rather to be
regarded as a child of God and to be defined in terms of whatGod desires for
them.
Relationship counselling, from a Christian
perspective, should bear in mind this sort of interpretive framework. It will
encourage a process of reflection
(“What are the key events and experiences that have a bearing on my situation,
and what have been their effects?”), interpretation
(“How might I interpret these events and experiences biblically and
theologically, as well as personally?”) and discernment
(“What might the Spirit be saying in the midst of all this?”).
Here is an example of how this might work
in practice. During the course of a pastoral conversation, the person you are
seeing discloses that they’ve always had a problematic relationship with their
father. You encourage some reflection on this, and discover that at the heart
of the matter is a drinking problem that the father appears to have had, and
which manifested itself in a number of ways in the home, impacting
significantly upon the husband-wife and father-child relationships. After a
period of further reflection on these family dynamics and their effects, you
introduce Matthew 23:9 into the conversation, and ask, “How might you interpret
your experience of relating to your father in the light of this instruction by
Jesus to call no man on earth your father, for you have one Father – the one in
heaven?” Further conversation leads to a conclusion that, in Christ, we
discover the true and full meaning of fatherhood by relying not on our own
flawed (and often hurtful) experience, but rather on the One whom Jesus called
Abba, Father. And what might the Spirit be saying in the midst of all this?
Perhaps as we learn to rest in the fatherhood of God, so we are able to put our
human experiences of fatherhood into perspective, and even come to a point of
forgiving the failures of our earthly fathers.
Can
you think of other examples where a process of reflection, interpretation and
discernment either has led or might lead to a situation of a damaged
relationship being healed?
Having talked a little about relationship
counselling in general, I now want to focus on three forms of relationship
counselling that are especially common in parish ministry: Premarital
counselling, marriage counselling and divorce counselling.
Premarital
counselling
The fact that most churches require
engaged couples to undergo some form of premarital counselling is indicative of
the high value placed upon marriage in the Christian tradition. Most churches
leave the form and content of premarital counselling up to individual ministers
or appointed premarital counsellors. One of the most common approaches takes
the form of having the couple fill out various questionnaires or “inventories”
that probe certain aspects of a marriage relationship,and which form the basis
for discussion, with the aim of helping couples to improve their relationship
skills. One of the most established of these programmes, Prepare/Enrich, for example, promises to help couples:
Explore strength and growth areas
Strengthen communication skills
Identify and manage major stressors
Resolve conflict
Develop a more balanced relationship
Explore family of origin issues
Discuss financial planning and
budgeting
Establish personal, couple and family
goals
Understand and appreciate personality
differences[15]
Whilst programmes such as these help
couples think through many practical aspects of relationships in general and marriage
in particular, many ministers and Christian marriage counsellors choose to
supplement them with a more biblically and theologically grounded view of
marriage that helps inform the couple’s understanding of a Christian wedding
ceremony. For example, a word that features prominently in a Christian wedding
ceremony is “covenant”, which begs the question: What is a covenant, and why is
it so important?
In the Bible, parties to a covenant are
bound together in an enduring relationship of steadfast love and faithfulness.
The primary covenant relationship is one which God establishes, firstly with
all living creatures through Noah (Genesis 9:8-17), then with all humankind
through Abraham (Genesis 17:1-22), and then with ancient Israel through Moses
(Exodus 19 – 24 & 34:27). Seen in this context, a covenant can be seen as a
relationship that is forged via a set of freely given promises and
declarations. That relationship is both binding and freeing. So when we talk
about a “covenant of marriage”, we are not talking about a contractual
relationship defined by a mutually agreeable set of conditions; we are talking
about an exchange of vows to love one another unconditionally, or to put it in
the form of a traditional wedding vow, “to have and to hold from this day
forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy
ordinance.”
Premarital counselling should help couples
explore the significance and implications of these vows and the covenant
relationship to which they give expression. Defined in terms of covenant
relationship, marriage cannot be regarded as a temporary or private living
arrangement or a marriage of convenience or a so-called “open marriage” in which
partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relations. Steadfast
love and faithfulness preclude these sorts of things.
The other thing about defining marriage in
terms of a covenant relationship is that it implies that the covenant-making
God is in the mix. In other words, it’s not just about the couple. They
exchange their vows in the presence of
God. This has significant implications.Take God out of the equation, and
the wedding ceremony and indeed marriage itself become all about the couple –
their big day, their feelings for one another, their aspirations, their vows,
and so on. Put God into the equation, and we’re bound to think more deeplyabout
where marriage fits within the purposes of God.
In this regard, it is interesting to note
that the Bible seems to have little regard for the romantic ideal that tends to
drive the modern wedding ceremony. Not only does the Bible have very little to
say about marriage and about wedding ceremonies as such, but what it does say
is often described in very functional language. To put it bluntly, marriage in
the Old Testament – and to a certain extent in the New Testament as well – was
largely an economic matter. Women were property. They had very few rights. For
a thoroughly unromantic view of marriage, read the parts of Deuteronomy that
regulate ancient marriage, especially 22:13-20. Moreover, few of the passages
in the Bible that we cherish for their commentary on love and commitment were
written with marriage in mind. 1 Corinthians 13 is the classic example.
Properly understood, a Christian wedding
service will put marriage in the context of discipleship. In Luke 9:57-62, when
Jesus tells his would-be followers to let the dead bury the dead and to not
look back, he is effectively saying that even our most pressing family
obligations and social institutions are now subordinated to the call to
discipleship. It’s not that they’re suddenly rendered unimportant; it’s just
that they no longer exist in and for themselves; the claims which they make upon
our lives must now give way to, and be informed by a higher allegiance, a
deeper calling.
It is for this reason that the church
considers the institution of marriage to serve not only the emotional and
physical needs of the couple and the wellbeing of society. It has effectively
been commandeered by our Lord to advance the Kingdom of God, to be a sign of
the Kingdom.
How might it serve this purpose?
First and foremost, I would suggest that
the Christian home is meant to be a place where faith is encouraged, nurtured
and strengthened, where husband and wife encourage one another in their
respective and mutual calls to serve God with heart, souls and minds.
Understood in this way, love does not draw
a circle around the couple, isolating them from the needs of others, turning
them in upon themselves. Rather, it turns them towards the world with a
generosity of spirit, confident that the love which they share is grounded in,
and flows from a God who so loved the world that He give His only begotten Son,
that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
To this end, the Christian home is meant
to be a place of hospitality, a place of welcome, echoing the hospitality of
our Lord, who dined with sinners and ushered people into the Kingdom without
discrimination.
Such is the hospitality of God,
experienced afresh each time we gather around the Communion Table. At its best,
the Christian home is an extension of this Eucharistic hospitality, a sign of
God’s Kingdom.
One of the benefits of placing marriage in
the context of discipleship is that it levels the vocational playing field
between marriage and singleness, and between having children and being
childless. The call to discipleship can be heard and responded to whether one
is married or single, with children or without children.
The other major benefit of placing
marriage in the context of discipleship is that the romantic ideal associated
with the modern wedding ceremony is put in perspective. Yes, romance is
important both on the wedding day and in a marriage relationship; but it is not
the most important element. The Christian wedding ceremony is a service of
worship which bears witness to God’s love and faithfulness, not just to the
couple’s personal sentiments, feelings and aspirations.
As our society has become more
pluralistic, so more lifestyle options have become evident and in many cases
normalised. Pre-marital sex, even among Christian couples, is more prevalent
than in previous generations; the majority of couples now live together before
getting married; many couples come to their wedding day with children, either
from their current relationship or from previous relationships; divorce and
single parenting no longer carry the stigma they used to; gay and lesbian
relationships have been legalised and can now be formalised through civil union
ceremonies. The modern definition of ‘family’ has changed to accommodate these
variations.
Our churches are not immune from this
pluralism. Many of the variations described above are likely to be represented
in your congregation and/or the families of congregational members, even though
the details of individual circumstances will not always be widely known. You
will have people who are sexually active outside of marriage, de facto couples,
divorcees, single parents, children or grandchildren of congregational members
who are gay, and so on. These variations call for sensitive and skilled
pastoral care.
In
your ministry context, what form does premarital counselling take? To what
extent does it prepare couples not just for the practicalities of living in a
long-term relationship, but also for a specifically Christian view of marriage?
Marriage
counselling
Statistics New Zealand has a web page on
marriage and divorce rates.[16] It makes
for sobering reading. Amongst other things, it confirms that since the 1960s
the marriage rate in this country has been falling and the divorce rate has
been rising. Nothing too surprising there. But what is possibly of greater
interest is the fact that a significant proportion of marriages last for a
relatively short time – 14% under five years, and a whopping 25% between five
and nine years. For many couples, it would appear that it does not take long
for the marriage ideal to come to grief on the jagged rock of reality. Sadly,
this is as true for Christians as much as it is for the rest of the population.
One response to these statistics might be
to put forward an argument in favour of living in a de facto relationship prior
to marriage – the logic of “try before you buy!” However, there is no evidence
to suggest that those who have lived in a de facto relationship prior to
marriage are any more prepared for, or successful in, marriage than those who
haven’t. In fact, the opposite could be argued. People that choose to live
together in a de facto relationship seldom opt for any form of relationship
counselling – they just move in together – and should they subsequently decide
to formalise their relationship through marriage,then they tend to assume that
they’ve learnt all there is to know through their experience of living
together. Meanwhile, any bad habits, distorted perceptions and dysfunctional
ways of relating, which the couple may have fallen into, can go unexamined and
unchecked, and carried forward into the marriage relationship.
The fact is, marriage is less about a
static state of being than it is about a process of growth. Philip Culbertson is right when he says, “In
actuality, marriage is best viewed as a developmental process full of
challenges, transitions, and accomplishments, and in need of frequent
renegotiation.”[17]There are
many things that impact upon a relationship, including: personalities; personal
character; core beliefs and outlook on life; family backgrounds; previous
relationships; hopes and expectations; emotional and physical needs; abilities
to express affection, relate sexually, deal with conflict, and communicate;
health, employment and financial pressures; age and stage in life; support of
friends and families; and so on.
The statistics suggest that a disturbingly
high proportion of married couples fail to navigate their way through this
myriad of factors and influences, and often by the time they realise the
importance of doing so it is already too late.Holding to the adage that
prevention is always better than cure, marriage enrichment programmes and
marriage counselling can be beneficial in helping couples to “renegotiate”
their relationship, to manage transitions from one phase of their relationship
to the next, to reflect upon and enhance basic relationship skills, and to
address problems before they become insurmountable.
If your ministry involves some
relationship and marriage counselling, you might want to bear in mind the
following pieces of general advice:
1.
Remember, there are always two
sides to a story. That doesn’t mean that both sides are equally true or valid,
particularly if one party has a vested interest in portraying something in a
particular way, but it does mean that you should seek to hear both
perspectives. Don’t jump to conclusions or act prematurely on the basis of
hearing one side only.
2.
Meet with couples together, not
separately, and encourage them to communicate with each other directly, not
through you.
3.
Identify as best you can the
key issues that need addressing. Remember, the presenting problem is not always
the real issue. Don’t get sidetracked by peripheral issues.
4.
Don’t get drawn into playing
the role of judge and having to decide who is telling the truth and who isn’t.
And don’t get bogged down in the detail of disputes, of who said what and to
whom. Keep the focus on the heart of the conflict, its effects, and the process
for dealing with it constructively.
5.
Encourage couples to talk about
their own perceptions and feelings and to refrain from making personal
accusations against one another.Also encourage them to speak for themselves,
not for the other person.
6.
Encourage couples to identify
their own solutions rather than look to you for answers.
7.
As well as listening carefully
to what is being said, observe body language and other forms of non-verbal
communication. Where there is a lack of alignment between the verbal and the
non-verbal, ask yourself why this is. What does it suggest to you? Be alert to
hidden agendas and imbalances of power in a relationship.
8.
Holding to the maxim that in
situations of conflict we often need more light and less heat, develop
strategies for taking the heat out of a situation. But don’t be afraid of
conflict. Conflict, properly managed, can be a catalyst for growth and
reconciliation.
9.
Compile some marriage and
relationship resources that you have confidence in, and make these available to
couples as needed. Good resources can help us see things differently, put our
own problems and struggles in perspective, and put us in touch with options
that we might not have come up with by ourselves.
10.
Know the limits of your own
expertise, and when it might be necessary to refer the couple to a
specialistrelationship counsellor. Also be aware of your own vulnerabilities.
Personal matters disclosed in the context of a counselling relationship can
trigger reactions in you, including feelings of emotional and/or physical
attraction towards one of the parties in the marriage. Regular supervision can
be a helpful way of processing these feelings.
What
experience have you had of relationship or marriage counselling? What would you
change or add in relation to the above list of things to think about?
Think
about some of the major stages or phases in a marriage relationship? What sorts
of adjustments in a relationship are necessary to negotiate the transition from
one phase to the next?
Because the church has such a high view of
marriage, it is obliged to do whatever it can to support married couples in
their relationships. This is especially important in a culture such as ours
where married couples often have to work out their relationship on their own
without the sort of support and mentoring that in previous generations might
have been found within extended families and local communities. Conscious of
this lack of support, some churches run marriage enrichment seminars and
weekends. Some even provide marriage vow renewal ceremonies.
These sorts of initiatives can have a
hugely positive effect. But they cannot guarantee success. And in some cases, such
are the circumstances and dynamics of the marriage, it would be irresponsible
to exhort a couple to stay together – for example, if it meant the continued
abuse of one or other of the parties in the relationship. Some marriages are
deeply dysfunctional, loveless and destructive.
In
such tragic situations, what do you think is the church’s duty of pastoral
care?
Divorce
counselling
Statistics tell us that approximately one
third of marriages (including Christian marriages) will end in divorce. For Christians,
this will always be a matter of considerable regret since we believe, based on
the teaching of Jesus in scripture, that divorce is not God’s intention for
persons in marriage. In Matthew 19:6, for example, Jesus quotes the words from
Genesis about a man and woman becoming “one flesh”. God desires that marriage
be a permanent and indissoluble relationship.
But we live in a fallen world. We are
seldom the people God has called us to be. Often our most serious failures come
in the relationships that are most important to us.And no marriage is immune
from this risk. Just because some married couples have managed to avoid divorce
doesn’t mean that their marriages are all that God intends them to be. We can
probably all think of situations where the marriage is intact but is hardly
life-affirming and God-honouring.
From a pastoral point of view, divorce is
one of the most difficult situations there is to deal with in the church. When
church members are sick or facing surgery, their names might be mentioned in
worship and prayers invited for them. A network of love and care seems to
appear automatically. We seem to know what to do. When church members are in
crumbling marriages, however, our responses are anything but instinctive. Too
often we appear helpless and act as through we’re paralysed. Even though prayer
would be as appropriate as it is in a situation of illness, we work hard to
keep the identity of those involved confidential.
The decision to divorce is seldom made
lightly. It usually follows a long period of decline in the marriage
relationship. Everett Worthington says that many marriage breakdowns pass
through the following five stages:[18]
1.
Watch out: Early warning signs include
feeling that closeness has declined – either slowly or precipitously. While
intimacy is declining the couple may maintain public behaviour suggesting the
marriage is fine. Privately they become increasingly disillusioned with each
other. With the decline in closeness communication suffers. Sometimes the
couple may
‘snipe’ at each other, initially at home
then more publicly as communication deteriorates.
2.
Noticing more differences: As normal
communication falters differences that were previously glossed over as
unimportant cry for resolution. Partners score points trying to win arguments.
Conflict resolution grinds to a standstill.
3.
Whose fault is it? As marriage dies,
spouses try to explain why the relationship is troubled. They blame the
partner, telling their tale to family and friends. Friends and family can hasten
divorce by polarising spouses.
4.
Commitment wanes. Spouses consider the
alternatives: the single life or remarriage. Spouses may flirt with eligible
partners and try to further relationships with co-workers and friends.
Sometimes one spouse may try to re-establish the relationship, even when the
other spouse has completely withdrawn from it. Still
legally-married-but-emotionally-divorced people are often uncertain about their
future.
5.
Physical separation. One of the most
painful points in the divorce process, and a giant step toward it. While some
couples do mend this tear it is only possible with mutual effort and hard work.
Most people who separate eventually divorce. Research indicates that even when
reconciliation does occur, subsequent separation is likely.
Jason Goroncy correctly observes that most
people rate divorce as extremely stressful:“In one longterm study divorce was
described as an explosion that usually sent recurring shock waves throughout
the marriage and family for up to 15 years. It is a life-changing event to
which some never adjust remaining stuck for a lifetime bemoaning the loss and
clinging to the past. Sequentially the following challenges are likely to be
encountered:
1.
Denial is one of our basic defences when
we feel threatened and is understandably commonly used when people face the
ending of their marriage. Coming to accept reality requires courage and faith,
and acceptance of divorce is necessary before further adjustment can
occur.
2.
Loneliness. Divorce brings home vividly
the awareness of one’s existence as an individual. The challenge is to learn to
bear the sense of alienation and loss, while discovering a sense of comfort and
peace in solitude. Though there may be an initial flight into frenzied
activities and social involvements, ultimately the process calls one to face
oneself.
3.
Guilt and rejection are closely tied to
acceptance and loneliness. Often the one who initiates the legal action
struggles with the guilt of hurting someone s/he has cared for, of going
against deeply felt values and beliefs about marriage. And the one who is left
struggles with a strong sense of rejection, self-doubt and pain.
4.
Grief. The process of mourning the
losses in a divorce is painful yet necessary. The complex and multiple losses
must be faced and mourned. These losses have been identified by Stanley
Hagemeyeras:[19] a)
loss of the dream
b)
loss of intimacy and
companionship
c)
loss of physical
accessibility
d)
loss of parenting role
e)
loss of legal standing
f)
loss of money and property
g)
loss of community
h)
loss of attachment
Each of these losses calls for courage to
grieve and move on. The losses may not all occur separately and not necessarily
in the order given. Research indicates a bewildering array.
5.
Self-concept and self-esteem are
intricately involved in the divorce process. Some have suggested that there is
no crisis that calls for more confidence and integration of the self than
divorce. At the same time there is, arguably, few crises more destructive to
selfconcept and esteem.
6.
Friendships do not avoid the impact and
stress of divorce. Maintaining solid friendships and a support network is
critical for making it through the process; however, many old friendships get
lost. Most persons going through the process are challenged to build a new
friendship network.
7.
Disentanglement from a former love
relationship is a complex task. The often subtle and intricate ways couples
intertwine their lives makes letting go difficult. Particularly for parents, the
challenge is to separate out the marital and parental relationships and to work
together in the best interest of the children.
8.
Anger is one of the strongest feelings
divorcing persons experience. Rooted in feelings of hurt, abandonment and
helplessness the rage some experience is frightening and unlike any anger they
have felt before.
9.
Sexual identity and relating sexually as
a single person are issues raised by the divorce process. It is often a period
of initial disinterest. Sometimes hypersexual activity occurs as a way or
re-establishing a sense of worth as a man or woman, or a way of coping with
loneliness, or seeking revenge. The challenge is to reconcile one’s belief and
values with the single lifestyle.
10.
Trust and intimacy in social relationships
usually come late in the process. Persons going through the process are
generally cautious and tentative, avoiding new wounds. Significantly though,
many divorced persons remarry within the first year. Not surprisingly, second
marriages have a higher casualty rate than first ones. Without allowing time to
heal and learn from the ending of a love relationship the possibility of
repeating the earlier unsuccessful pattern is high.”[20]
Pastoral care will be sensitive to all
these dynamics. It should be extended to the couple as a whole as well as to
individual persons. It will be mindful of the impact of divorce on the family
and families of the couple (including dependent children), as well as their
circle of friends, and respond accordingly. It will seek a way to end a
marriage that encourages cooperation, civility, and even healing. It will
consist of a variety of initiatives, including friendship, counselling and
perhaps a liturgy designed to mark the end of a marriage.[21]
In
your experience of providing (or receiving) pastoral support for persons whose
marriages have ended in divorce, what have you learnt, and what advice would
you give?
Hospital visiting
A significant aspect of pastoral care is
visiting people when they are in hospital. Such visits are seldom straight
forward. In many hospital wards visitors, including clergy, will be expected to
observe visiting hours. Often the person you are visiting will be in a room
with other patients, making private conversation and prayer very difficult.
Often your visit will be interrupted by nurses, doctors and other medical
specialists doing their rounds. Sometimes you will arrive for the visit only to
find that the person you have come to see is away having tests or is asleep.
Sometimes the capacity of the patient to receive a visit will be compromised by
the medication they are on or by their physical and mental state. Sometimes the
patient’s control over their bodily functions will be limited, and you will be
exposed to sights and sounds that are embarrassing for you both. In sum, you
need to approach hospital visiting with flexibility and sensitivity. Respect
the context!
In his book, Pastoral Care in Hospitals,[22]
Neville Kirkwood, provides a helpful list of temptations to avoid, including
the following:
1.
The temptation for the visitor
to become the focus: Visitors often make the mistake of talking too much about
their own periods of hospitalisation, sometimes to keep the conversation going
or to show that they understand what patients are going through, but great care
needs to be taken not to make oneself the main object of attention.
2.
The temptation to out-talk the
patient: Some visitors are uncomfortable with pauses in conversations and long
silences, and fill them by talking. It is tempting to take the lead in
conversations where patients are having difficulty conversing, but they may
become distressed and anxious when they are not being heard because visitors
are talking over them all the time.
3.
The temptation to provide
solutions: A visitor’s job is not to identify a problem and then to suggest a
solution. Nor is it to organise the patient. Enfeebled by illness, the patient
often presents a picture of helplessness. This can trigger in the visitor
maternal or paternal instincts that lead to smothering the patient with
over-concern or trying to “sort out” their problems.
4.
The temptation to take over the
role of relatives: Where patients have no interested relatives or friends,
offers of help can be much appreciated, but in other situations offers of help
can usurp the role of relatives and lead to friction. Before offering to help,
find out what support network the patient already has, and think about how your
offer to help will fit within that context. Respect the wishes of the patient.
5.
The temptation to give pat
answers: Don’t be like Job’s friends who offer simplistic responses to his
plight, including the old chestnuts about it being the Lord’s will or some sort
of punishment for sins committed. Even when the patient is wrestling with deep
personal questions such as, “Why me?” an immediate answer is not necessarily
being called for. Listen for what lies behind the question. Often it will be a
plea for understanding and compassion, in which case your mere presence and
empathy will speak more loudly than any answer you might be tempted to give.
6.
The temptation to stay too
long: Hospital patients will often be tired as they suffer from a lack of sleep
and their bodies adjust to whatever surgery or treatment they are undergoing.
They might also have had a stream of
visitors already. Be alert to their energy levels. Generally speaking it is
better to aim for a short visit, but to be available to stay longer if asked to
do so.
In
your own experience of visiting people in hospital, have you experienced any of
the above temptations?
What
other temptations might you want to add to the list?
Ministering
to those who grieve and mourn
In her book Necessary Losses,[23]
psychologist Judith Viorst reminds us that mourning and grief are not just
things that we experience following the death of a loved one; rather, they are
natural processes by which we adjust to living with any significant loss in our
lives, including such things as a relationships, independence, health,
employment and personal ambitions. As Philip Culbertson rightlypoints out, “We
grieve whenever our equilibrium is upset and our customary coping mechanisms
are thrown out of kilter.”[24]
Although grief and mourning are similar in
meaning, it can be useful to distinguish them. John Patton puts it well when he
writes, “The term ‘grieving’ can best be used to refer to all of the possible
ways that persons respond to the losses that occur in their lives. Mourning is
a somewhat narrower term that refers to what persons do individually and
socially to cope with loss and to transform the relationship to what or who has
been lost.”[25]
The more acute the experience of grief or
mourning, the moreintense the emotional reaction is likely to be. In her
pioneering work On Death and Dying,[26] Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross identified fivephases of grief reaction among terminally ill
patients: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.[27]
Subsequent authors like Granger Westberg, Erich Lindemann, John Bowlby and
Colin Murray Parkes have either added to this list or condensed it into three
or four major phases. Although there is a lot of commonality between these
lists, clearly there is not one definitive list upon which everybody agrees.
It used to be assumed that the stages of
grief were sequential and that the role of the minister or pastoral worker was
to help move people through them. However, we now know that the grief process
is more varied and contextual than previously thought, and it will be
influenced by a range of factors such as personality, circumstances and
cultural setting. Moreover, rather than moving sequentially through the various
phases, mourners may oscillate between them, sometimes wildly, especially in
the early stages. The grieving process can be likened to a roller coaster ride
which, hopefully, becomes less turbulent as time passes and as the mourner’s
coping mechanisms and support structures build resilience. In these situations,
the primary role of the pastoral care worker is to accompany the mourner on
this ride of ups and down, twists and turns. Thomas Attig has coined the phrase
“relearning the world” to describe the pastoral task here. He does not mean
learning information about the world,
but rather learning how to be and act in
the world differently, in light of the mourner’s loss.[28]
Ministers and pastoral workers should be
generally familiar with the major grief phases identified by Kübler-Ross and
others, and develop pastoral tasks and responses that are appropriate for each
phase.
Think
for a moment about Kübler-Ross’ five phases of grief reaction: shock/denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Now identify one or more pastoral
tasks and/or responses that might be appropriate for each phase. Rather than
think in the abstract, it might be helpful to recall particular situations. Can
you think of any pastoral tasks and/or responses that would not be appropriate?
Nowadays, a lot of useful information
about the grief process can be found online. But information is not enough. As
Philip Culbertson rightly points out that, if ministers and pastoral workers
“have not addressed their own fears, anxieties and insecurities about death,
they will be ill-equipped to judge correctly whether others are dealing with
mourning in a healthy manner.”[29] Nowhere
is the exhortation to “know thyself” more relevant than in the context of
ministering to those who mourn.
If your ministry includes the conduct of
funeral services, you will probably already know that few things in your
ministry will challenge your theology as much as fulfilling this role. It is
here that the tension between pastoral sensitivities and theological
convictions is thrown into sharpest profile. You will often find yourself
walking on eggshells as you seek to maintain your integrity as a representative
of the Gospel whilst managing a grieving family’s expectations concerning the
funeral service. These expectations can, at times, be quite unreasonable and
theologically questionable.
Funeral services these days are much more
personalised than in the past. On the whole, this is a positive development,
but it does generate some problems, not least of which is the fostering of a consumer
mindset. Many people want to pick and choose which elements of a traditional
funeral service they want, and may want to include some things in the service
which to you seem either unnecessary or inappropriate or both. Too many
services nowadays are effectively taken over by rambling eulogies. Others
degenerate into mere sentimentalism.
Thomas Long says that often today two
rival theological understandings battle it out for the soul of the funeral. He
writes:
To put it starkly, on the one hand there
is the gospel. The one who has died is an embodied person, a saint ‘travelling
on’ to God, continuing the baptismal journey toward the hope of the
resurrection of the body and God’s promise to make all things new. On the other
hand, there is a more ‘spiritualised’, perhaps even Gnostic, understanding of
death. The body is ‘just a shell’, and the immortal soul of the deceased has
now been released to become a spiritual presence among us, available through
inspiration and active memory. In this view, the body, no longer of any use, is
disposed of, but the ‘real person’ is now a disembodied spirit. It is therefore
not the deceased who is travelling, but the mourners, on an intrapsychic
journey from sorrow to stability.
A funeral governed by the gospel is built
upon the eschatological hope that the deceased is not a static corpse or a
gaseous and disembodied spirit, but an embodied child of God moving towards the
communion of saints. Thus, in the drama of the funeral, the whole congregation
follows the deceased from the church to the cemetery or crematorium, travelling
with the deceased all the way to the end and completing the dramatic action. By
contrast, in a funeral governed by the more spiritualised understanding of
death, the congregation sits still and reflects upon the life of the deceased,
seeking comfort in the claim that, though the body is dead, the soul lives on.
Many contemporary funerals limp haltingly between these two theologies...[30]
God seems to have a particular concern for
those who mourn. “Blessed are those who mourn,” Jesus declared, “for they will
be comforted.”[31] And then
in the book of Revelation a day is envisaged in which God will be at home among
mortals, dwelling with them as their God, wiping every tear from their eyes.
Indeed, we are told, “death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will
be no more, for the first things have passed away.”[32]
Christian worship services in general, and funeral services in particular,
should give full expression to this hope and promise. Whatever grief and
mourning that we experience must be put in a larger context that allows us to put
our experience in perspective and to draw strength from the comfort that Jesus
declared and which God gives.
As the officiant or Minister, it is
important that you are both professional and pastoral. Being professional
involves exercising a calm authority and making sure that everything is done
properly and on time. In the midst of their grief and confusion, people will
take great comfort from knowing that you are in control and know what you’re
doing. There is no room for being casual and disorganised when it comes to
funeral services. Having said that, being professional does not mean being
clinical and detached. People will look to you for consolation and
encouragement, for understanding and sensitivity – for pastoring.
As you organise and conduct the funeral
service you will have to work alongside other people, including the Funeral
Director. It is important that you understand your respective areas of
responsibility. The Funeral Director is responsible for all funeral
arrangements, including the placement of a funeral notice in the newspaper,
booking the cemetery or crematorium, liaising with the family about such things
as casket and flowers, etc. You are responsible for the funeral service and the
organisational details surrounding the service, including: (a) checking the
availability of the church organist or musician (if the funeral is to be held
in the church); (b) checking the availability of the church hall (if this is to
be used for serving refreshments after the service); (c) liaising with the
church florist about flower arrangements for the service (this might involve
replacing or freshening up last Sunday’s floral display); (d) making sure that
someone is on hand to operate the sound system during the service (including
monitoring microphone levels and playing CD or DVD tracks as required); (e)
checking the availability of the church’s catering team if such a team
exists.
The one exception to this is the printing
of the Order of Worship – it is often best to leave this to the Funeral Director
because the standard of production is generally better than that which can be
accomplished on a church photocopier. But if you go down this track, make sure
you proofread the Order of Worship before it goes to print. Take special care
checking the words of the hymns/songs and the spelling of names. Even though
the Order of Service might be printed by the Funeral Director, its content is
your responsibility.
From the moment you visit a family to
discuss the funeral service through to the actual conduct of the service, you
are building a relationship. It is a very intense relationship, insofar as it
is forged in the midst of heightened emotions and you might become privy to
knowledge that few people outside the grieving family have. The relationship doesn’t
cease when the funeral service ends. A phone call the day after the service,
followed by a pastoral visit a week or two later will almost invariably be
appreciated and can lay a foundation for a long-term pastoral relationship.
Think
about funeral services you have conducted and/or attended. What makes for a
good service from a Christian perspective? What elements of the service would
you expect to see regardless of context? Which parts would you regard as
‘negotiable’?
Crisis
intervention
A crisis might be described as an event
(usually unexpected) that generates a high degree of uncertainty and may even
threaten to overwhelm us. It almost invariably produces heightened levels of
anxiety, and may induce panic. As these and other strong emotions are
unleashed, the capacity to think rationally can be severely compromised.
Moreover, the stress that one feels internally can have physical symptoms,
including sleeplessness, irritability, exhaustion, panic attacks, skin rashes,
diarrhoea, and chest pains.
What does ministering to a person or
persons in crisis involve? While it is difficult to come up with a process that
covers every crisis that one might encounter, we might identify the following
10 general elements:
1.
Providing a non-anxious presence: Inviting
the person to talk over a cuppa, listening deeply to what is said, responding
empathetically, asking appropriate questions, offering to pray – these are all
things that can help ease crisis-induced anxiety.
2.
Knowing the person(s) you’re dealing with: Are they known to you? Are they generally credible? Is there
anything in what they are saying or in how they are presenting themselves that
indicates a possible mental breakdown or mental health problems? Is there
anything in what you are being told that you feel you ought to verify?
3.
Analysing the crisis:What are the
contributing factors? What are the real issues, not just the presenting issues?
What are their effects? Who is affected?
4.
Identifying and assessing risk: Are
there issues of personal safety at stake? Does the crisis potentially involve
criminal proceedings? Is it something that is likely to attract media
attention?Note: If criminal proceedings and/or media attention are a
possibility in relation to a crisis involving somebody with a significant
ministry role or profile in the church, advice should be sought from the
Assembly Office as soon as possible.
5.
Formulating a response to the crisis in consultation with the
person(s) suffering it: What needs to be done right
now, and by whom? What strategies need to be put in place for dealing with
underlying causes and longer-term effects? Is a plan for managing risk needed?
What might the Spirit be saying in the midst of all this?
6.
Involving others: Who needs to be
consulted or involved? What specialist help might be needed? What support
structures (including prayer support) need to be put in place? How might the
church, as a community of faith and pastoral care, help?
7.
Integrating faith and action: What
prayers, scriptures, symbolism and rituals might be helpful in providing a
biblical and theological framework for interpreting what is happening and for
processing feelings associated with the crisis?
8.
Communicating: Which persons, agencies
and/or stakeholder groups need to be informed? What do they need to be told?
What should they not be told?
9.
Following up: Regular contact throughout
the period of the crisis and subsequent to the crisis affirms the importance of
a relational approach to crisis management. But avoid so much contact that you
create a dependent relationship.
10.
Looking after yourself: Be aware of the
toll that crisis-ministry can have on your own emotional wellbeing and energy
levels, especially if your involvement is likely to be ongoing. Take appropriate
steps to look after yourself.
One of the unfortunate things about crises
is that they often come upon us at the most inconvenient of times, sometimes in
the middle of the night. In these situations the immediate focus of your care
(often over the phone) will be on providing that non-anxious presence,
assessing the urgency of the situation, ensuring the person is safe, possibly
referring them to the police, hospital or an emergency counselling service like
Lifeline, and setting up a process for dealing with the situation the following
day or week. It pays to have a list of emergency numbers on hand.
For further reading: Howard Stone, Crisis Counselling: Caring for People in
Emotional Shock, Revised Edition, Augsburg Fortress Press, 1993
Have
you any experience of ministering to someone suffering a crisis? What lessons
did you learn? What would you add or change in relation to the above list?
Much of what is covered above relates to
handling crises of a personal nature. Occasionally, however, church ministers
and leaders will be expected to respond to crises that involve entire
communities, as with the Canterbury earthquakes or the Pike River mine
disaster. In such situations, the following checklist of things to think about
might be helpful:
1.
Assess as best you’re able the
scope and initial impact of the crisis on (a) yourself and your family; (2)
your church community; (3) the wider community. Begin to think about
appropriate responses of care and support for each of those groups. Be aware
that if your own family is affected by the crisis you will have a difficult
balancing act between attending to personal needs and fulfilling your vocational
and professional role in ministry to and for the church and the wider
community.
2.
Call your church leadership
team together as soon as possible to help you reflect on the above and to
formulate suitable responses. Such responses might include an immediate phone
around and/or visit of all parishioners to see how they’re doing and to set up
a network of communication, prayer, care and support.
3.
Consult with ministers and
leaders of neighbouring churches, as well as denominational colleagues
(including Presbytery Moderator), to see how their communities of faith are
faring and to explore the possibility of a combined (ecumenical) network of
prayer, care and support for the wider community.
4.
Consult with Civil Defence,
local government officials and government agenciesas needed.
5.
If your church buildings are
usable, consider making them available as community centres and sanctuaries of
prayer. Organise prayer vigils and services of worship as appropriate.
6.
Determine what channels of
communication need to be established and maintained. If media interest is a
possibility, appoint a media spokesperson, consult with the Assembly Office’s
communication department about a media strategy, and keep your Presbytery
Moderator informed.
7.
Be aware that a crisis will
likely have immediate, medium-term and long-term phases, consequences and
dimensions. Pace yourself accordingly. As the urgency of the initial crisis
passes and your heightened adrenalin levels return to normal you are likely to
experience delayed exhaustion, and as you look at all the things that have to
be done to recover from the crisis and build for the future you will possibly
feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task. Self-care strategies, including
supervision, collegiality, regular time out and perhaps a holiday, are vitally
important during thistransitional stage.
As
you reflect on ministering in a context of a community crisis, is there
anything you would change or add in relation to the above list?
Ministry to
the mentally ill
Mental illness takes many forms.[33]Generally
speaking, a mental disorder or mental illness can be understood in terms of
persons suffering from psychiatric or psychological distress. This may manifest
as difficulty with emotions, thinking (cognition), behaviour and abnormal
experiences of the world. Mental illness can occur as the result of biological
factors, psychological factors, and/or social factors. Its impact is
wide-ranging and can include impairment in functioning in multiple areas,
including social,recreational, relational, cognitive, and employment. It can be
short-term or longterm in its duration. It can affect people at any age or
stage of life. Psychiatric and psychological difficulties can co-exist with
other disorders.Treatment may be required, which may include short term or long
term medication use and/or various therapies, as well as a range of initiatives
for attaining personal and social wellbeing.34
Mental illness no longer carries the
stigma that it once did. Not only do we know more about mental illness these
days, we also are more aware of its prevalence. For example, approximately one
in five people will become depressed at some stage in their lives, as
depression is one of the most common manifestations of mental distress. Persons
with depression may have relatively mild symptoms, where they are able to
struggle on with their normal lives and relationships, although their quality
of life suffers. Or, with severe depression, their ability to function in any
normal way is completely undermined.
We are also more aware these days of the
extent to which many people in society struggle with various forms of
addiction, including alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex. Many people are familiar
with the twelve-step recovery programme pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous in
1939 and adapted to provide therapeutic treatment to other forms of addiction.
Places like the Ashburn Clinic in Dunedin provide an individualised combination
of medical, educational and therapeutic interventions to break the addiction
cycle and guide a person towards recovery.
Although pastoral responses will vary
considerably according to the nature of the mental disorder, there are some
things to think about if you are ministering to somebody with a mental illness:
1.
Find out as much as you can
about the nature of the illness and the person so that you can develop a
pastoral response that is both well informed and appropriate to the situation.
2.
Consult with others who have a
pastoral relationship with the person. Work collaboratively wherever
possible.At the same time, respect the privacy and dignity of the person you’re
dealing with. Don’t allow collaboration to descend into gossip.
3.
Identify the key pastoral
relationships, and develop strategies for each. In many situations, for
example, there might be a pastoral relationship not only with the person
suffering mental illness, but also with their primary caregiver(s) and their
family (including dependent children).
4.
Map out short-term and
long-term strategies.
5.
Make sure that pastoral
strategies support and dovetail in with whatever professional health services
the person might be receiving. Find out what health services (public and
private) are available for persons suffering from this particular condition.
Know the limits of your own expertise, and refer to health professionals sooner
rather than later.
6.
Do a risk assessment. Is the
person a danger to themselves? Are they a danger to others? If the answer to
either of these questions is ‘yes’, what safety measures need to be put in
place? Who needs to be notified?If in doubt, seek professional advice.
7.
In your communication with a
person suffering from mental illness, always bear in mind the extent to which
their ability to understand or perceive things accurately might be compromised.
Tailor your communication accordingly. By all means listen and express sympathetic
support, but don’t get drawn into feeding delusions or condoning bad behaviour.
Be honest.
8.
Be alert to the dangers of the
person to whom you are ministering becoming dependent on you. Set boundaries.
Let them know that you are not at their beck and call. Ensure other support
structures are in place.
9.
Don’t underestimate the role
that a congregation can play in providing a supportive and healing environment
for the mentally ill. It’s not just the network of pastoral care; it’s also the
prayer, worship and fellowship. Having said that, be aware that some forms of
mental illness render their sufferers particularly prone to religious
delusions. One of the most common indicators of this occurring is when the
complex task of spiritual discernment is reduced to a simple declaration that,
“The Lord has told me...”
Have
you suffered personally from mental illness or known somebody who has? What has
your experience taught you about pastoral care in these situations? What would
you add or change in relation to the above list of things to be aware of?
Ministry to
the elderly
The problems associated with growing old
are well known: loss of independence; frailty of mind and body; reduced
mobility; downsizing of accommodation; death of friends and loved ones;
loneliness; financial vulnerability; coming to terms with one’s own mortality;
and so on. A good deal of pastoral care will be about helping folk come to
terms with some or all of these realities and to make necessary adjustments to
their living situations.
However, pastoral care to the elderly need
not be cast solely in terms of problem-solving. From a biblical perspective,
old age is not so much a matter of coping as best one can with all the problems
associated living in one’s “twilight years”, but rather a matter of remaining
faithful to God and being called to even greater acts of faithfulness and
obedience. Abraham and Sarah are a case in point (Genesis 15 – 21), as are Anna
and Simeon (Luke 2:21-38). From a faith perspective, we are compelled to think
of our humanity not simply in terms of a product of biological processes (a
kind of biological determinism), but rather in terms of who we are becoming in
Christ. When perceived through eyes of faith, the future is open, not closed.
What does this mean in practice?
When we regard the future as being open
rather than closed, then we have a basis for challenging the view that death is
the final (tragic) word of human existence. The resurrection of Christ from the
dead is our assurance that we no longer need fear death. For how does the
Apostle Paul put it? “Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death,
is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”35
If we are able to affirm that death has
been overcome by the raising of Christ from the dead, then we are able to hold
on to the biblical assurance that sin too has been overcome, and that in and
through Christ we have indeed been forgiven. This can be a vitally important
truth to inhabit at a time in our lives when griefs, regrets and sins which we
thought had long receded into the mists of time, can return to haunt us. Seen
in this context, old age can be a time when we not only recall the past with a
sense of nostalgia, but when we also deal with all our unresolved stuff. It can
be what some people describe as a journey towards integration, wholeness and
even reconciliation. Good pastoral care will encourage and enable this journey
to be taken.
A key part of this journey towards
integration might involve revisiting certain events and periods in our lives
and allowing the light of the Gospel to shine upon them. What does that light
reveal? What fresh insights does it generate for us? What opportunities for
healing does it provide? I recall in a parish in which I served, a returned
serviceman wanting to talk with me about an incident that had occurred during
his time of military service, and which many years later continued to weigh
heavily on his conscience. More than anything else, he needed to hear afresh
the assurance of pardon that only the Gospel can give. I still recall seeing
his tears of joy as he came to the realisation that he truly was forgiven, and
that the burden of guilt which he had been carrying all those years had finally
been lifted from his shoulders.
We are very much aware these days of the
power of storytelling. Storytelling is not just a matter of taking a trip down
memory lane; it’s a potential means of interpreting our history, addressing our
past and deriving meaning and significance from our lives. Storytelling can perform
a therapeutic function. From a pastoral perspective, there is often scope to
encourage our elders to “tell their story”, and if we’re particularly attentive
to what they say, we might even help them make deeper connections between their
own life-story and that larger, open-ended, life-giving story which we call the
Gospel.
I mentioned above the example of the
returned serviceman dealing with the burden of guilt that emanated from a
particular period of his life. In another pastoral situation, I was privileged
to hear a man reflect on certain aspects of his life. He was the typical
self-made man who took great pride in his success, achievements and
self-sufficiency, but now in his final days so much of what he had built up
over many years had been whittled away. He had lost much of his savings in the
share market crash of 1987, his wife had died some years ago, and his family
were scattered far and wide, offering no practical support at a time when, due
to deteriorating health, he had become entirely dependent on the semi-hospital
level of care provided by a local rest home. When I saw him, he was trying to
make sense of it all. Interestingly, he had started to read his Bible again,
and it just so happened that the day before I visited him he had read the parable
of the rich fool in Luke 12:13-21. What was a most difficult passage, because
it’s one where Jesus pulls no punches, became for this man a catalyst for
looking at his life differently and putting things in perspective. Rather than
lament what he had
35
1
Corinthians 15:54-55
lost, he chose to focus on what it meant
to be “rich toward God”. Not only did this include a renewed appreciation for
prayer and worship; it also included a realisation that although he was denied
the close proximity of his natural family, through baptism he was part of a
non-biological family, a community of faith, a communion of saints. The
pastoral care extended to him by this family was deeply affirming.
One final story. I recall hearing one of
the “saints” of our church reflect on her experience of growing old. She said
that despite all the problems associated with old age, she had discovered the
priority of being over doing. Rather than decry the fact that she could no
longer support all the church and community activities that she once had, she
had learned to “rest in God”, to contemplate the mystery of the Gospel, to
uphold people in prayer, and to see that life-as-gift precedes life-as-task.
She became one of our church’s great encouragers and intercessors. Many of our
youth and young adults were drawn to her, not because she was part of their
social world, but because they sensed in her something that was authentic,
grace-filled and wise.
What
stories of your own can you tell about ministry to the elderly, and what
lessons would you draw from them?
Ministering
to those who pose a risk to church and community
Just how inclusive and welcoming should a
church be? How should it relate to a paedophile in its midst, or a rapist or a
drug dealer or an abusive husbandor a fraudster? On the one hand, if we accept
the many biblical examples of grace, repentance and personal transformation,
including that of Saul in Acts 9, then do we have grounds to exclude anybody
outright? Moreover, doesn’t the Bible say that all have sinned and fallen short
of the glory of God? Are any of us truly in a position, then, to cast the first
stone?
On the other hand, stories abound of financial
and sexual predators using their position in the church to win trust, to take
advantage of the vulnerable and to perpetuate their immoral and sometimes
criminal behaviour. What are we to do? What is our pastoral responsibility?
The first thing that needs to be said is
that prevention is always better than cure. Every church should have in place a
set of safety protocols. These will include such things as: (1) Doing police
checks on anybody that is being considered for a position that carries pastoral
and leadership responsibilities, paid or unpaid, including elders, Sunday
School and youth group leaders and pastoral visitors; (2) Holding training
sessions on pastoral ethics; (3) Having clear safety policies that define
conditions for counselling and home visits (e.g., women being counselled and
visited by women; having a designated counselling area that is suitably private
yet in view of a general office area; etc); (4) Having clear safety policies in
relation to children and youth activities and events, including weekend camps,
sleepovers and holiday programmes (e.g., not allowing adults/leaders to sleep
in the same room or to share the same shower and toilet blocks as children and
youth); (5) Not appointing anybody with a criminal record to a position where
they might be tempted to reoffend (e.g., a convicted fraudster should not be
appointed to the position of church treasurer); (6) Setting up appropriate
forms of monitoring/supervision for anybody who is deemed to be a risk to
themselves and/or to others.
In one church I was in, in the course of
visiting a newcomer to the church I was informed (by the newcomer and his wife)
that he had a history of sexual offending for which he had done time in prison.
It was to the man’s credit that he brought this to my attention. We were able
to talk about the nature of his offending, the counselling programme that he
had undergone in relation to it, and the strategies that he had in place to
minimise future risk to the community. He gave me the names of people I could
contact to verify his story. I told him that, with his permission, I would like
to inform the church’s elders about the situation, to seek professional advice,
and to develop a strategy for keeping both him and other members of our
congregation safe. Even though there appeared to be no recent history of sexual
offending, given that this previous offending had involved young people, we
deemed it necessary to notify youth and Sunday School leaders and kindergarten
staff. Although the man was welcome to attend worship and enjoy the fellowship
of the church, there would be certain conditions attached to this, including no
direct personal contact with our children and youth or the kindergarten. He
could also expect an elder to be rostered on duty each Sunday at church to
discreetly monitor his movements.
We were fortunate in this case that the
man was so obliging and that a strategy was able to be put in place with his
consent and cooperation.Other cases I know of have not ended so well. Many
people who pose a risk to others are sly and manipulative, some have mental
health problems, and in some cases they are pathological liars. Some can sound
utterly contrite and make all kinds of promises that subsequently prove
worthless. Others can weave the most plausible of stories to justify their
actions. Many are adept at playing on the sympathies of ministers and others
who exercise a ministry of care and compassion. It is easy under these
circumstances to become cynical and to fail to distinguish between a con and
genuine need.
Most ministers will be familiar with the
experience of having persons come to their church or manse with a hard luck
story of one sort or another. Sometimes these folk can be quite menacing,
particularly if help is refused them. I recall one man asking for some petrol
money so that he could drive up north to attend his father’s funeral. I
accompanied him to a local gas station and filled up his tank. About a year
later he was back, but he clearly couldn’t remember our previous encounter,
because he was peddling the same story about having to attend his father’s
funeral. When I pointed this out to him, he became verbally abusive.
It is good for churches to have procedures
in place to cover such situations. I have found the following to be helpful:
1.
As a general rule, do not give
out cash. Have a small supply of supermarket and petrol vouchers on hand.
2.
Keep on hand a list of welfare
providers, food banks, social service agencies, community ministries,
help-lines, counselling services and charities to which people can be referred.
Phone them while the person is with you, so that they know to expect them. Only
give out vouchers if the referral system doesn’t work (e.g., if it’s outside
normal work hours and the relevant agency or food bank is closed).
3.
Keep safe. If a stranger wants
to talk with you, or asks for prayer, choose a place and a time when somebody
else will be in close proximity. Should you choose to let them into your home
(not recommended), make sure you have first verified their story and that you
are confident they don’t pose a threat. Do not leave them unattended. If you
are worried about your own safety or the safety of others, call the police.
4.
Establish a telephone or email
network with ministry colleagues, and use that network to keep each other
informed of encounters of this sort. Some folk are known for moving from one
church to the next. Share information. If you feel that a person has been trying
to con you, inform the police. Even if they can’t do anything, the person might
be known to them, and they may have information and advice to share with you.
A final word about ethical misconduct and
allegations of criminal activity within the church: Deal with these situations
in a professional and proactive manner. Yes, there must always be a presumption
of innocence until proven guilty, but don’t allow this principle to block
appropriate investigative action, either by the appropriate church court or, in
cases of alleged illegal activity, by the police. Once you have information
about a particular situation or an allegation has been made against somebody,
you must act. This can be difficult if the person concerned is an esteemed
elder, minister or leader in the church, but should it come to light later that
you knew something was amiss and did not act then you will be culpable. If the
person being accused of a misdemeanour holds a position of responsibility in
the church, then they should be relieved of their duties immediately while an
investigation is carried out. Thought must also be given to the wellbeing and,
possibly, safety of the alleged victim and/or accuser.Often attempts will be
made to discredit and/or pressure the accuser into keeping silent lest they
bring the church into disrepute or sully the good name of the accused. If in
any doubt about the right process to follow when an accusation is made or
rumours begin to circulate about inappropriate or illegal activity, seek
advice. The Assembly Office is only too willing to help in this regard.
Have
you observed or experienced a situation of ministering to somebody who might
pose a threat to the church or to the wider community? How was the situation
handled? What lessons can be learned from it?
Maintaining personal health and
wellbeing
Pastoral care ministries can be very
demanding – physically, emotionally and spiritually. The weight of human need
constantly bears down on us, and there is nearly always more that we feel could
or should be done to alleviate that need.
There is a lot of anecdotal evidence to
suggest that low morale, fatigue and burnout are all too frequent experiences
for people in key ministry and pastoral positions. There are many contributing
factors. Some are internal; some are external.
Internal factors can include:
i.
Personality type: People who
are competitive, driven, ambitious, task and achievementoriented and
recognition-dependent can also have fragile temperaments and can be less able
to cope with criticism, stress and failure.
ii.
Lack of self-care: This can
include poor hygiene and diet and a lack of exercise, not having any interests
and friendships outside of work, not spending sufficient time with spouse and
family, not building some form of Sabbath rest into weekly routines, and not
being able to relax without feeling guilty.
iii.
Personal insecurities: Beneath
the outgoingand cheerful demeanourof a leader can be a wounded soul plagued by
lack of confidence, loneliness and unresolvedfeelings of hurt and anger (sometimes
associated with past relationships, including one’s parents).
iv.
Spiritual barrenness: Behind
the public persona of some religious leaders there can be a spiritual emptiness
and a private life riddled with contradictions and inconsistencies.There is no
shortage of Christian leaders being exposed in the courts and through the media
as having feet of clay.
v.
Vocational crisis: For some
ministers and leaders this takes the form of uncertainty and confusion about
their role and calling in the midst of rapid societal and organisational
changeand institutional decline. A real but generally unspoken expectation that
they will be agents of church growth rather than ministers of the Gospel can be
a heavy burden to bear. For others it takes the form of disillusionment with
the church as an institution that is too often rocked by scandal, internally
divided, and can often be a bad (and even exploitative) employer.
vi.
Life transitions: Movements
from one stage of life to another can be unexpectedly stressful. We often focus
on the so-called “mid-life crisis” but other transition times can be equally
challenging. During such transitions we may have to cope with physical and
emotional changes, as well as changes to some of our closest relationships
(including with parents, spouses and offspring). These changes can trigger
spiritual crises, wherein forms of spirituality and patterns of piety which
served us well in younger days no longer sustain and nourish us.
External factors can include:
i.
A stressful or negative work
environment, including ill-defined or unrealistic expectations, an unacceptably
high workload, and a lack of training, support and collegiality.
ii.
A lack of job security. As many
churches continue to decline, their annual budgets come under increasing
pressure, and the funding for many paid ministry and leadership positions is
under threat. In some cases, full-time positions are reduced to part-time
positions, but with no corresponding reduction in expectations around workload and
results.
iii.
Stress-inducing events and
circumstances, including the breakdown of relationships, the death of a loved
one, financial problems, sudden and dramatic lifestyle change, significant
health problems, sexual dysfunction or frustration, and social isolation.
iv.
A prevailing (western) culture
and global economic system that makes living an authentic Christian life
incredibly difficult.Leaders often feel more acutely than others the tension
between cultural conformity and the radical call to discipleship because of the
expectation that they will successfully model the life of discipleship.
Of course, not all stress is bad. Good
stress, properly channelled, releases adrenaline and can motivate and enable us
to reach optimum levels of performance. But unrelieved and compounded stress
can lead to depression, with accompanying physical symptoms. It is tempting,
under such circumstances, to relieve this sort of stress through the use of
chemicals, whether in the form of tranquillisers, pain relievers or alcohol.
However, while these might mask the symptoms in the shortterm, they usually
prevent us making the necessary changes to deal with the stress properly.
A significant step on the path to wellness
is to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy forms and levels of stress,
and to find appropriate ways of addressing the latter. Rigorous
self-assessment, prayer, regular supervision, a doctor’s visit, and in some
cases specialised counselling, can each play a part in this regard.Other
positive steps one can take to understand, manage and ease stress can include
the following:
i.
Drawing
sustenance from your relationship with Christ. At the beginning of this
handbook we talked about the importance of abiding
in Christ – personally and in communion with others. The more you have
developed a spiritually balanced life and nurtured your relationship with
Christ the better placed you will be to cope with stress and difficulty. ii.
Listening
to your body. While such things as constant headaches, chest pains, sleeplessness,
irritability, uncharacteristic outbursts of anger, skin rashes and bowel
problems can be symptomatic of all sorts of ailments, including organic
disease, they can also be symptoms of stress. They can be likened to messages
that our body is trying to send us. We need to learn to ask not only “What is
wrong with me?” but also “Why do I have this symptom at this time? What is my
body telling me?”
iii.
Undergoing a personality
assessment like Myers Briggs or Enneagram can help you understand more about your
personality type and the impact it has on the ways you think, act and react.
Armed with this information, you are better placed to develop a leadership
style that suits your personality and develop stronger coping mechanisms.
Understanding different personality types can also help you work out what makes
other people tick and how to work constructively with colleagues who are of
different personality types to your own.
iv.
Finding strength and solace in
the scriptures. Psalms of lament, for example, not only give voice to the
despair, loneliness and hurt that many leaders feel from time to time; they
also serve as a vehicle for processing these raw emotions and reminding the
stressed leader of God’s prior faithfulness and steadfast love. They give us words
to pray when our own words fail us. Then in the stories of Saul and David and
the like,we read of flawed characters who, like leaders of every generation,
are often burdened by failure and plagued by doubt, yet whose lives have been
claimed by God for a purpose and become powerful witnesses to God’s grace and
power. These sorts of stories become for us sources of encouragement and
hope.
v.
Doing an inventory of your
strengths, gifts and competencies and comparing these with the requirements of
your ministry/leadership position or job.Do they constitute a good match? How
significant are the differences? Can they be addressed through normal processes
of personal and professional development or are they indicative of a
fundamental mismatch? With the right support and encouragement can you grow
into your role, or are you like a square peg in a round hole? Should you be
thinking about a growth or an exit strategy?
vi. Implementing a proper regime of self-care, including healthy eating
patterns, regular exercise, plenty of sleep, spiritual disciplines, Sabbath
rest, and taking up a sport, craft,hobby or community involvement can
dramatically improve your mental, spiritual and physical wellbeing.
vii.
Identifying root causes of
workplace stress (not just reacting to surface symptoms), keeping things in
perspective, handing things over to God in prayer, learning how to manage
conflict, following the right process(es) for raising concerns, and addressing
issues without personalising them (or demonising particular persons).
viii.
Confiding in someone.
Professional supervision can prove very helpful and should be a given for
anyone in a significant ministry or leadership position. It can also be helpful
to talk things through with a close friend or confidante. But be careful who
you choose. Do not choose someone who may have a conflict of interest or who
may not be particularly good at keeping confidences. Search your own heart.
Always be mindful of the Apostle James’ warning about the immense damage that
can be caused by a loose or bitter tongue (James 3:1-12). Do not use the need
to confide as a means of winning people over to your point of view.
There are lots of excellent resources on
the above and related issues. Lynne Baab has written some really helpful books,
including the following:
Beating Burnout in Congregations (Alban
Institute, 2003) looks at causes of burnout among congregational volunteers,
with ideas for prevention and healing.
Personality Type in Congregations (Alban
Institute, 1998) gives an overview of ways the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator can
be used in congregations.
Fasting (IVP, 2006) is a
practical book with stories of people who fast both from food and from other
things, such as media, shopping, and technology.
Sabbath
Keeping(IVP,
2005) is an introduction to ways to keep the Sabbath with stories from many
people who observe the Sabbath.
Sabbath:
The Gift of Rest (IVP,
2007) explores eight biblical passages with their theological and practical
themes that undergird the practice of Sabbath keeping. The studies in this
guide cover what Sabbath is and how to practice it. The guide may be used for
individual or group study.
A
Renewed Spirituality(IVP, 2002) discusses
patterns of midlife spirituality, along with six spiritual paths that people at
midlife find helpful.
Books and articles by well known American
author, Eugene Peterson, are always worth reading. On the subject of retaining
one’s vocational integrity in the midst of hostile cultural forces and
institutional pressures, the following book is highly recommended: Working the Angles: The Shape of Pastoral
Integrity (Eerdmans, 1987).
Have
you ever suffered personally from ministry-related stress, poor health and a
lack of wellbeing? What were the symptoms? How did you deal with it? What have
you learned?
Does
the above list of internal and external stress factors, and the things you can
do to address them, resonate with anything in your experience? Is there
anything you would add?
Recommended Reading
David Lyall, The Integrity of Pastoral Care, London: SPCK, 2001
John Patton, Pastoral Care: An Essential Guide, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005
Philip Culberton, Caring for God’s People: Counseling and Christian Wholeness, Minneapolis:
Fortress Press, 2000
Lydia Johnson, Drinking from the Same Well: Cross-cultural Concerns in Pastoral Care
and
Counselling, Oregon: Pickwick, 2011
James L. Killen, Jr., Pastoral Care in the Small Membership Church, Nashville: Abingdon
Press, 2005
Wesley Carr, Handbook of Pastoral Studies, London: SPCK, 1997
Lynne Baab, Joy Together: Spiritual Practices for Your Congregation,
Louisville: WJK, 2012
Henry Brinton, The Welcoming Congregation: Roots and Fruits of Christian Hospitality,
Louisville:
WJK, 2012
Marian Carter, All God’s Children: An Introduction to Pastoral Work with Children,
London: SPCK, 2007
Howard Stone, Crisis Counselling: Caring for People in Emotional Shock, London:
SPCK, 1993
Stanley Hauerwas, Carole Stoneking, Keith
Meador & David Cloutier eds., Growing
Old in Christ, Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2003
Feed Craddock, Dale Goldsmith & Joy
Goldsmith, Speaking of Dying: Recovering
the Church’s Voice in the Face of Death, Grand Rapids: Brazos Press, 2012
Henri Nouwen, Aging: The Fulfillment of Life, New York: Doubleday, 1990
[1] An ancient
reference to the “cure of souls” is recognised more in some church traditions
than others. It comes from the Latin curaanimarum,
and means “care of souls”.
[2] William
Willimon, Worship as Pastoral Care,
Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1979, p.35
[3] Hymn by
Joseph Medlicott Scriven, 1819-86
[4] Song by
Graham Kendrick
[5] In his book, Living Toward a Vision: Biblical Reflections on Shalom, Walter
Brueggemann identifies three major dimensions of shalom: a vision of harmony that encompasses all creation, a human
community in which the oppressed and disenfranchised have dignity and power,
and personal well-being. These three aspects – creation, community and
personhood – are inter-connected, which means the personal well-being that we
seek cannot be isolated from commitments toward the well-being of creation and
human community. These commitments constitute a direct challenge to the
individualistic and reductionist secular worldview which tends to underestimate
the extent to which people are not so much self-contained individuals as
persons-inrelationship, not only with one another but with creation itself. In
this context, sickness, like its counterpart shalom, is multi-dimensional. As Paul writes in his letter to the
Romans, creation is in bondage to decay and is groaning in labour pains as it
awaits the full revelation of God’s glory (Romans 8:18-25).
[6] Henri
Nouwen, Show me the way: Readings for
each day of Lent (New York: Crossroads, 1994), pp138-9
[7] Hans Urs
von Balthasar, Prayer, trans. G.
Harrison (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1986), p.105
[8] Christopher
Cocksworth, Holy, Holy, Holy: Worshipping
the Trinitarian God (London: Darton, Longman and Todd, 1997), pp.35-6
[9] Dave
Dobbyn, from his song “Welcome Home”
[10] T.S. Eliot,
from “Ash Wednesday” (1930)
[11] Eugene
Peterson , Subversive Spirituality,
Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1997, pp.158-9
[12] Psalm
139:1-3
[13] Deuteronomy
11:18-19
[14] Philippians
4:8-9
[16] www.stats.govt.nz/browse_for_stats/people_and_communities/marriages-civil-unions-anddivorces/marriage-and-divorce-in-nz.aspx
[17] Caring for God’s People, p. 146
[18] Everett
Worthington, I Care About Your Marriage,
Chicago: Moody Press, 1994, pp. 52-3
[19] Stanley Hagemeyer, 'Making
Sense of Divorce Grief', Pastoral
Psychology 34, no. 4 (1986), 237–50
[20] Jason
Goroncy, Pastoral Ministry: Module 6: The
Practice of Pastoral Care: (B) Contextual Realities, Lecture Notes, pp.
108-111
[21] The Uniting Church in Australia has
developed ‘A Service of Healing for those whose Marriage is Ending or has
Ended’: Theology & Discipleship
National Working Group on Worship, The Uniting Church in Australia, 1999 (cited
27 May 2011)]; Online: http://assembly.uca.org.au/worship/resources/pastoralservices/13marriageending.html
[22] Neville A.
Kirkwood, Pastoral Care in Hospitals,
New York: Morehouse Publishing, 2005, Chapter 8
[23] Judith
Viorst, Necessary Losses, New Jersey:
Prentice Hall, 2003
[24] Philip
Culbertson, Caring for God’s People:
Counseling and Christian Wholeness, Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2000, p.
218
[25] John
Patton, Pastoral Care: An Essential Guide,
Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005, p. 51
[26] Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying,
London: Tavistock Publications, 1970
[27] Denial: “This can't
be happening, not to me." Anger: "Why me? It's not fair!";
'"Who is to blame?" Bargaining:
"I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life
savings if..." Depression: "I'm
so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's
the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" Acceptance: "It's going to be
okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
[28] Cited by
Philip Culbertson in Caring for God’s
People, p. 224
[29] Caring for God’s People, p. 232
[30] Long, T., Accompany Them With Singing: The Christian Funeral, Louisville:
Westminster John Knox Press, 2009, pp.96-7
[31] Matthew 5:4
[32] Revelation
21:3-4
[33] The
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (a standard reference for
the American Psychiatric Association) lists over 400 types of mental disorders.
These range from various forms of dementia to clinical depression to eating
disorders to anxiety disorders to bipolar disorder to schizophrenia to mental
retardation to paranoid personality disorder to addictions to autism to
psychotic disorder to Huntington ’s disease. 34 I am grateful to Dr Megan Bryan for
this definition of mental illness (email correspondence, 12.9.12). Dr Bryan is
a Consultant Psychiatrist at the Ashburn Clinic in Dunedin.
