From Shame to Connection
Never do anything to avoid shame or guilt.
Marshall Rosenberg
Follow the four steps below to regain connection and inner balance after a shame attack.
1. Acknowledge the shame.
Experience the effects that shame has on your body. It can be experienced as warm waves that will make you blush or as a discomfort in the stomach. You might already have started to avoid it through some of the strategies described in The Compass of Needs and recognize it as you have started to withdraw, to rebel, to attack yourself or others.
2. Remind yourself that it is valuable to get in touch with your feelings and needs. Do not do anything to avoid or numb the shame. If you act before you have connected with yourself, it is possible that you will do something you will regret later.
3. Ask yourself if your shame has anything to do with any of these 3 needs: Belonging/Community or Acceptance or Dignity/Respect? Connecting with one of these can usually open a door to more needs.
4. Realize that you need support and that you will benefit from sharing how you feel with another human being.
5. Get in touch with someone you know who can listen and tell him about your shame attack. If no one is available, make sure to take the time to listen to yourself with compassion. Shame cannot keep us in its grip when we experience empathy.
From the book ”Anger, Guilt and Shame, Reclaiming Power and Choice by Liv Larsson. (2013) Friare Liv.
Summary of the Compass of Needs
Never give any system the power over you to submit or rebel.
Marshall Rosenberg.
We can summarize the strategies we use to avoid shame into four different types of behavior. These four ways can be combined in many ways. They have different “costs” and they all aim at helping us to escape from shame.
1. We submit, withdraw, become quiet and avoid expressing what we feel, need and want. This can easily lead to depression, despair and apathy. Thoughts which are signs of submission can be:
Nobody wants me anyway.
I need nothing, I can manage on my own.
I will not show that...
I might as well give up; it will not turn out as I was hoping anyhow.
2. We engage in relationships but criticize ourselves as soon as we get closer to something that can stimulate shame. Our inner critic has free reign to attack and judge us. We show that we are victims, losers, not to be counted on, and we apologize and show that we are ashamed that we are so insufficient. Shame often turns to guilt. Self-critical thoughts often sound similar to those below:
If I could just learn to not be so ...
I’m not enough ...
I am such a ...
Why do I always …
3. We rebel against what we perceive as demands or threats to our freedom or lack of respect. In rebellion, we avoid feeling shame by showing that we are independent and free to do as we want. The consequences are that we can easily become cold and mute. We stop giving attention to the needs of others and thus we find it more difficult to satisfy our own needs for care, reciprocity, solidarity and love. Thoughts associated with rebellion could be:
I have come further than that - I do not care ...
From the book ”Anger, Guilt and Shame, Reclaiming Power and Choice by Liv Larsson. (2013) Friare Liv.
I have no problems! If nothing happens soon I will leave.
Look at me and I’ll show you how things should go!
We are not afraid of anything! More people should be like us and the world would look different.
4. We threaten, attack, condemn, criticize, and blame others. Others are to blame when we are angry because and they should act differently. We demand, use sarcasm, irony, argument, and justify ourselves. This leads to anger. Thoughts that are a signs that we have moved in this direction of the compass may be:
It is your own fault, you must start taking responsibility!
They are cowards and too weak to be able to do this.
She / he / they / you are too ...
She / he / they / you are not enough ...
Reclaiming Power and Choice. Anger, Guilt and Shame by Liv Larsson.
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From the book ”Anger, Guilt and Shame, Reclaiming Power and Choice by Liv Larsson. (2013) Friare Liv.
