How to Age Gracefully
Inspired by a new book, “Stupid Things I Won’t Do When I Get Old,” I’m taking stock of my life and deciding what I need to reconsider.
Credit...Gracia Lam
By Jane E. Brody
Sept. 13, 2021
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The day after my 80th birthday, which overflowed with good wishes, surprises and Covid-safe celebrations, I awoke feeling fulfilled and thinking that whatever happens going forward, I’m OK with it. My life has been rewarding, my bucket list is empty, my family is thriving, and if everything ends tomorrow, so be it.
Not that I expect to do anything to hasten my demise. I will continue to exercise regularly, eat healthfully and strive to minimize stress. But I’m also now taking stock of the many common hallmarks of aging and deciding what I need to reconsider.
I found considerable inspiration and guidance in a new book, “Stupid Things I Won’t Do When I Get Old,” by Steven Petrow, written with Roseann Foley Henry. Mr. Petrow, who is also a columnist but is nearly two decades younger than I, began thinking ahead after watching the missteps of his aging parents, like waiting too long to get hearing aids.
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I took a similar inventory of my life and started at the top, with my hair. I’d been coloring it for decades, lighter and lighter as I got older. But I noticed that during the pandemic, many people (men as well as women of all ages) had stopped covering their gray. And they looked just fine, sometimes better than they did with hair dyed dark above a wrinkled facade. Today, I too am gray and loving it, although I can no longer blame my dog for the white hairs on the couch!
I’ve also resisted the common temptation to cover up other cosmetic issues. I now rarely use makeup, and my usual summer costume remains short-shorts and tank tops. Wrinkles be damned. I’m proud to have them.
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But I will continue to be irritated by bad grammar, like the sentence recently in this newspaper that ended … “to we mortals,” and correct misuse of the language whenever I can.
And I will stubbornly resist altering my habits to avert potential tragedies that others foresee. I walk my dog in the woods over slippery rocks, roots and fallen logs so I can enjoy his fearless energy and athleticism and improve my own balance and self-confidence. The doctor who monitors my bone health ends every consult with an order, “Do not fall,” and the treacherous woods walk is part of my response. As Mr. Petrow emphasized, fear of falling “can actually lead to more falls” by making you unduly anxious, hesitant and focused on your feet instead of what’s in front of you.
My kitchen was built for a five-foot-tall cook who, thanks to scoliosis and shrinkage, is now several inches shorter. That means I often climb to reach items that I can’t store on a lower shelf. But I always use a sturdy stepstool, unlike a 78-year-old friend who foolishly climbed on a chair (a big no-no), fell and injured his back.
When I asked a woman my age how she was feeling, she said, “I have issues,” and I said, “We all have issues. The secret to successful aging is to recognize one’s issues and adapt accordingly.” I’m constantly learning what I can and can’t do and asking or paying for help when needed.
Sooner or later, we all must recognize what is no longer possible and find alternatives. Years ago, body mechanics forced me to give up tennis and ice skating and now strenuous gardening. I continue to do 10-mile bike rides several times a week in good weather, but two-week cycling trips up and down hills are now history.
A dear friend in her 90s is my role model and serves as a reality check. When I asked if she’d accompany me on a trip abroad, she said, “Thanks, but I’m no longer up to the level of activity it involves.”
I’ve vowed to stop talking to whoever will listen about my aches, pains and ailments, what Mr. Petrow called the “organ recital.” It doesn’t provide relief — in fact, it might even make the pain worse. Rather than instill empathy, the “organ recital” likely turns most people off, especially young ones.
And I do cherish my young friends who keep me youthful in spirit and focused on issues important to my children and grandchildren and the world they will inherit. They, in turn, say they value the information and wisdom I can offer.
I also strive to say something flattering or cheerful to a stranger every day. It brightens both of our lives and helps me focus on the beauty around me. But my most valuable advice: Live each day as if it’s your last, with an eye on the future in case it’s not, a lesson I learned as a teen when my mother died of cancer at 49. Her death inured me to catastrophic loss, which I handle better than little ones.
The stickiest wicket going forward will be driving. When I was in my mid-70s, my sons started urging me to stop driving simply based on my age. I hadn’t had any accidents or even almost-accidents or gotten a ticket for a moving violation. Still, they upped my liability insurance (OK, I said, if it makes you feel better). And, to get them off my back, I gave up my 10-year-old minivan and I replaced it with one of the safest cars on the road, a Subaru Outback.
Like many other cars now on the market, the Subaru has several protective bells and whistles that compensate for the declining senses and slower reactions that accompany aging. It warns me when there’s a car, bicycle or pedestrian approaching when I’m backing out of a parking spot. It stops dead when anything suddenly appears or stops in front of me. If I should turn my head to see something, it flashes “Keep Eyes on Road.”
I’m also beginning to tackle another burdensome issue especially common among those who have lived long in one place: clutter. I have a latent fear of “running out” of things and so I chronically buy and save more than enough of everything. My late husband called our house an air raid shelter that could sustain us for a year. I’m also terrible at parting with objects that may one day be useful. He told me I reminded him of an elderly woman he knew who kept pieces of string “too small to use.” I’m taking his advice to heart. Wish me luck.
Things I’ll Do Differently When I’m Old
Dec. 5, 2017
Jane Brody is the Personal Health columnist, a position she has held since 1976. She has written more than a dozen books including the best sellers “Jane Brody’s Nutrition Book” and “Jane Brody’s Good Food Book.”
A version of this article appears in print on Sept. 14, 2021, Se
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Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old: A Highly Judgmental, Unapologetically Honest Accounting of All the Things Our Elders Are Doing Wrong Kindle Edition
by Steven Petrow (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.2 out of 5 stars 143 ratings
#1 Best Seller in Aging Parents
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For fans of David Sedaris and Nora Ephron, here is a humorous, irreverent, and poignant look at the gifts, stereotypes, and inevitable challenges of aging, based on the wildly popular New York Times essay from award-winning journalist Steven Petrow.
Soon after his 50th birthday, Steven Petrow began assembling a list of “things I won’t do when I get old”—mostly a catalog of all the things he thought his then 70-something year old parents were doing wrong. That list, which included “You won’t have to shout at me that I’m deaf,” and “I won’t blame the family dog for my incontinence,” became the basis of this rousing collection of do’s and don’ts, wills and won’ts that is equal parts hilarious, honest, and practical.
The fact is, we don’t want to age the way previous generations did. “Old people” hoard. They bore relatives—and strangers—with tales of their aches and pains. They insist on driving long after they’ve become a danger to others (and themselves). They eat dinner at 4pm. They swear they don’t need a cane or walker (and guess what happens next). They never, ever apologize. But there is another way . . .
In Stupid Things I Won’t Do When I Get Old, Petrow candidly addresses the fears, frustrations, and stereotypes that accompany aging. He offers a blueprint for the new old age, and an understanding that aging and illness are not the same. As he writes, “I meant the list to serve as a pointed reminder—to me—to make different choices when I eventually cross the threshold to ‘old.’”
Getting older is a privilege. This essential guide reveals how to do it with grace, wisdom, humor, and hope. And without hoarding.
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Petrow can’t prevent you from becoming your parents, but he can remind you how a positive attitude, gratitude, patience, and compassion can make a big difference.”
—Booklist
“Unbelievably witty and relatable, I alternated bursting into laughter and placing my hand over my face in horror thinking, Oh my God, is that me? I often say, at this age we have something young people can never have… wisdom. My dear friend, Steven Petrow, has wisdom to share in this honest, funny, wry guide to keep us young at heart, without desperately hanging onto our youth. I am buying this book for all of my friends!”
—Suzanne Somers, New York Times bestselling author of A New Way to Age
“Stupid Things I Won’t Do When I Get Old is an irreverent, funny, honest look at aging and all the things we take for granted as normal parts of aging. They don’t need to be. If you struggle with getting older and want to find a fresh perspective on lessons learned about what NOT to do as we age, and what TO do to stay young in heart, spirit, mind and body, read this book.”
—Mark Hyman, MD, #1 New York Times bestseller author of The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet, and Head of Strategy and Innovation at the Cleveland Clinic Center for Functional Medicine
“Steven Petrow resolved to do things differently than his parents had when he gets old because he wished they’d been able to enjoy life more. His solution? He created a list! In this book, he shares the secrets to living a full life regardless of our age. It's all about the decisions we make every day. My advice in a nutshell: Read this book and keep it handy.”
—“Dear Abby” (Jeanne Phillips), nationally syndicated advice columnist
“It’s never too early to imagine what your life will look like as you age. And as I once wrote, ‘We are not hostages to our fate.’ Petrow’s book will help you plan, think, and redefine what it means to get older – and even laugh while doing it.
—Andrew Weil, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Spontaneous Healing and Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Well-Being
“Steven Petrow not only has a great attitude about life, he is wise about how to live it. Like me, he says we should embrace our one life 100% and not let a number—our age—get in the way of anything! Steven’s book will help you rethink the word “aging” and approach this next chapter with a positive and proactive attitude. Plus, this book is fun!”
—Denise Austin, renowned fitness expert, author, and columnist
Steven’s writing feels like sitting with a friend—one who is unusually gracious, warm and frank.
—Carolyn Hax, author of the nationally syndicated advice column, Carolyn Hax
"Getting old may be inevitable. But getting old with wit, wisdom, energy, irony, strength, irreverence and an I-dare-you wink is possible. Want to know how? Read the brilliant Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old. You'll never look at aging quite the same way."
—Jeffrey Kluger, co-author of Apollo 13
About the Author
Steven Petrow is an award-winning journalist and author best known for his Washington Post and New York Times essays on aging, health, and civility. He’s currently an opinion columnist covering manners and civil discourse for USA Today, and his 2019 TED Talk, “3 Ways to Practice Civility” has been viewed nearly two million times and translated into 16 languages. Formerly the host and executive producer of "The Civilist," a podcast from Public Radio International and North Carolina Public Radio WUNC, Steven regularly appears on television and radio. He's the author of six books, including Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old. A former president of NLGJA: The Association of LGBTQ Journalists, Steven is the recipient of numerous awards and grants, including those from the National Endowment for the Humanities, the Smithsonian Institution, the Ucross Foundation, the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, and the National Press Foundation. In 2017, he became the named sponsor of the Steven Petrow LGBTQ Fellowship at the VCCA, a prize that is awarded annually. Steven lives in Hillsborough, N.C. with his cocker spaniel, Binx Bolling. Please visit him online at StevenPetrow.com. --This text refers to the hardcover edition.
Product details
ASIN : B08KL58Q4X
Publisher : Citadel Press (June 29, 2021)
Publication date : June 29, 2021
Print length : 274 pages
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Customer Reviews: 4.2 out of 5 stars 143 ratings
Steven Petrow
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Biography
Steven Petrow is an award-winning journalist and book author who is best known for his Washington Post and New York Times essays on aging, health, and civility. He’s also an opinion columnist for USA Today, where he writes about civil discourse and manners. Steven's 2019 TED Talk, “3 Ways to Practice Civility” has been viewed more than 1.8 million times and translated into 13 languages.The most recent of his five books is Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners. His next book, Stupid Things I Won’t Do When I’m Old, will be published in 2021. You’re likely to hear Steven when you turn on NPR’s “All Things Considered Weekend,” or one of your favorite — or least favorite — TV networks. Steven also served as the host and executive producer of "The Civilist," a podcast from Public Radio International and North Carolina Public Radio WUNC.
Top reviews from the United States
Achim Nowak
5.0 out of 5 stars A poignant page-turner
Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2021
Verified Purchase
This was a hard-to-put-down book for me. Steven Petrow travels the landscape of aging dilemmas with humor and a lot of compassion. So relevant for me at my current age - 65 - and my relationship with my 96-year-old mom. The nugget-size chunks of writing made this a perfect poolside read. Highly recommended!
16 people found this helpful
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AMKZN
5.0 out of 5 stars Love this book!
Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
Petrow has a way with words. This book is a humorous easy read that will fill your soul with all of the things. His life wisdom is delivered in such a lighthearted and fun way. Love this book!
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13 people found this helpful
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AFWG1979
5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read!
Reviewed in the United States on September 10, 2021
Verified Purchase
Just got through first 50 pages, and so glad I decided to purchase (versus library). Everyone should read this! Very fluid writing style. Funny stuff (Alexa). I’m 67 and absorbing it all! When I get to the end, I’ll add to this review…..
10 people found this helpful
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cgilbert
5.0 out of 5 stars Steven Petrow Nailed It
Reviewed in the United States on September 6, 2021
Verified Purchase
He really know so much about aging. As an 82-year old I read it to see if I was doing okay. I am! I want not only my age mates to check in, but their children who are likely to be in their 50s or 60s. His list is spot on.
9 people found this helpful
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Kindle Customer
3.0 out of 5 stars Rewrite of a journalist
Reviewed in the United States on July 27, 2021
Verified Purchase
Like most list of AARP it is accurate and concise. The list are made meaningful by stories of his own family. The title is the best thing about the book.
8 people found this helpful
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Nancy F
5.0 out of 5 stars Difficult to put the book down
Reviewed in the United States on July 15, 2021
Verified Purchase
I watched a live interview on Tuesday with Steven and Denise Austin on FB. This is how I found out about the book. I ordered Tuesday and received yesterday and cannot put the book down, I am already half way through as of yesterday. Cannot wait to finish reading today!
11 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Laughter + Tears + Genuine Utility = Wonderful Read!
Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2021
Verified Purchase
This book is a wonderfully written collection of 40+ short chapters of insight and reflection on the author's experience with his friends and family as they navigated their golden years. I laughed often and cried for the first time in probably two years as I connected the stories to my own life. This book is absolutely entertaining, authentic and useful - I will be sending it to several people!
Steven - Please consider writing a book about "Stupid Things I Wish I Had Not Done When I Was Young"
Thank you in advance!
6 people found this helpful
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T. Samoska
1.0 out of 5 stars Don't waste your money. Complete garbage.
Reviewed in the United States on August 19, 2021
Verified Purchase
Nothing in this added to my pleasure or my knowledge.
4 people found this helpful
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