The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles
by
3.62 · Rating details · 84 ratings · 15 reviews
'From the time I started working as a sex therapist back in the early 1970s, people have been talking to me about their sex lives. What I hear about most is the business of negotiating the sex supply. How do couples deal with the strain of the man wishing and hoping while all she longs for is the bliss of uninterrupted sleep?' In "The Sex Diaries" leading sex therapist Bettina Arndt uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere - the creeping hand and feigning of sleep, the staying up late in the hope that he will doze off. It is one of the great inconvenient truths of relationships that after the first blissful years together, most men want more sex than their female partners. Bettina Arndt recruited 98 couples to keep diaries, revealing their intimate negotiations over sex. Who feels like having sex? Who doesn't? And how do couples cope if one person wants it more than the other? She draws on her 35 years as a sex therapist and psychologist to provide an insightful analysis, and with her characteristic humour proposes a new approach to how couples can enjoy regular sex - and sustain loving relationships. (less)
Paperback, 336 pages
Published July 20th 2009 by Hamlyn
This book was fantastic and should be required reading for anyone in or wanting to be in a relationship. While Arndt's respect for and analysis of men's sexuality and needs is criticised by many feminists I found it refreshing. It was wonderful to finally read an acknowledgement that men and women have different sexual and intimacy needs.
By understanding the differences between myself and my wife we were both able to greatly improve our relationship (i.e. we both were able to make changes and to keep doing the things we were doing right).
This book is easy to read and isn't either academic or gratuitous. Despite the title including the word 'sex', this is not a pornographic book. It's a fantastic and honest account of that part of ordinary people's lives that is rarely discussed in polite company, much less discussed honestly.
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By understanding the differences between myself and my wife we were both able to greatly improve our relationship (i.e. we both were able to make changes and to keep doing the things we were doing right).
This book is easy to read and isn't either academic or gratuitous. Despite the title including the word 'sex', this is not a pornographic book. It's a fantastic and honest account of that part of ordinary people's lives that is rarely discussed in polite company, much less discussed honestly.
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Well worth the read especially if you have been married a while/have a bunch of kids/ still love your husband - wish I could get my husband read to it too.
Jul 24, 2020Brian rated it really liked it
It would be interesting to know the gender composition of the readers of Bettina Arndt's insightful Sex Diaries book. Guessing from the subtitle, "Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles", I'm guessing that the majority of readers are, like myself, heterosexual males longing to understand their mate's declining libido. Indeed, when I mentioned to my wife that I was reading this book, she said that women don't need to read it, as the divergent sex drives over time make perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective. After all, she said, why would women seek as much sex once they had achieved their primary biological function of producing their desired number of offspring?
For me, it was interesting to better understand the spectrum of sexual libido in both genders and, even more helpful, was the detailed stories of how many couples had found ways of bridging the gap. It was fascinating to see how sufficiently large and prolonged gulfs in sexual interest were often the primary cause for divorce, dispite the huge financial and practical hassles - especially where children were involved.
Arndt's research provided me valuable perspective, helping me to appreciate that my marriage is of a garden variety, and that my wife is much more understanding and accomodating than many. I suspect that if more couples with mismatched desires for intimacy were to read and discuss this book, many marriages could be improved and some divorces avoided. (less)
For me, it was interesting to better understand the spectrum of sexual libido in both genders and, even more helpful, was the detailed stories of how many couples had found ways of bridging the gap. It was fascinating to see how sufficiently large and prolonged gulfs in sexual interest were often the primary cause for divorce, dispite the huge financial and practical hassles - especially where children were involved.
Arndt's research provided me valuable perspective, helping me to appreciate that my marriage is of a garden variety, and that my wife is much more understanding and accomodating than many. I suspect that if more couples with mismatched desires for intimacy were to read and discuss this book, many marriages could be improved and some divorces avoided. (less)
Apr 17, 2019Cole Astaire rated it it was amazing
Incredible!
How do you do "it"? - a question I wouldn't dare ask married friends or family. No need! Arndt cleverly outlines the insight and wisdom I seek. A must-read for anyone serious about maintaining a fruitful relationship through life. This book changed my perspective on relationships, and I have no doubt that I will be a better husband for it. (less)
How do you do "it"? - a question I wouldn't dare ask married friends or family. No need! Arndt cleverly outlines the insight and wisdom I seek. A must-read for anyone serious about maintaining a fruitful relationship through life. This book changed my perspective on relationships, and I have no doubt that I will be a better husband for it. (less)
May 29, 2021Logan Streondj rated it it was amazing
It's everything it claimed and more. Really got to see a lot of different relationship dynamics. And it also helped me come to terms with the relationship dynamics I have with my own wife. As well as have more compassion for her perspective. (less)
Aluksi ällötti vain suurellisesti naisnäkökulma. Sitten tuli kyllä miehistäkin näkökulmaa. Hyviä ajatuksia ja huomioita.
An interesting book that looks at the sex lives and relationships of many couples through the window of their diaries. I found it quite heartbreaking that there are so many people out there yearning for a sense of love and connection with the person they are with, yet unable to find it.
Maybe we have been tricked and bought a whole load of lies about romance, expectation and how things ought to be. Maybe the reality is the unglamorous decision to try and met each other's emotional needs and not to take the self righteous stand that some needs are more worthy than others (romance is more worthy than sex...) A thought provoking book (less)
Aug 06, 2011Liz Young added it
Heard Bettina speak on 891 ABC Adelaide and was amazed and inspired by what she was saying. I knew i had to go out and read the book and I was definitely not disappointed. After years of thinking there was something wrong with me, I have finally realised that I'm normal! Hooray! At the same time i have been able to open discussions with Hubby and our nocturnal activities have definitely improved...well, I think that have anyway! Every couple should read this. (less)
Feb 20, 2012Jussi added it
provides a number of interesting and largely sad insights into her clients' lives and generalisations and some explanations of value for her readers. but the author t is provokingly enamored of hormone related sociobiological rationales which do not really add. she should've stayed with behavioural story. (less)
Nov 29, 2009Chloe added it
bit strange - got it free from wrok - but some really interesting and often sad insights into other people's lives ...more
Dec 07, 2015Wonderperson89 added it
First class very helpful read.
I want to read her What men want in bed book but at £999 it's a bit out of my range. (less)
I want to read her What men want in bed book but at £999 it's a bit out of my range. (less)
Mar 20, 2010Jacques rated it liked it
This is a very useful book, the future of monogamy is on the line, to be sure.
Jul 06, 2013Penny rated it liked it
Mildly interesting. Would be more relevant if:
A. I was older
B. I was in a committed long term relationship
or
C. I had any sex life to speak of;)
A. I was older
B. I was in a committed long term relationship
or
C. I had any sex life to speak of;)
Dec 22, 2014Jitka Egressy rated it it was amazing
Such an amazing window to real life, real relationships, real sex life!
Highly recommend!
Highly recommend!
May 11, 2013Gisela rated it it was amazing
Fascinating and graphic though rather sobering and perhaps depressing read in parts.========
The Sex Diaries
By Jacqueline Lunn
March 21, 2009 — 4.46am
https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/books/the-sex-diaries-20090321-gdtfir.html
I READ the hype. I listened to the outcry. I heard a couple of people giggle like extras from a Carry On movie, then I read Bettina Arndt's The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles and thought, "Has someone put the wrong cover on this book?" I've experienced more controversy at a six-year-old's birthday party when a parent dared to announce there would be only one winner of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
Arndt's book has generated a lot of media huffing and puffing primarily due to one chapter titled Just Do It, where she proposes that even if women are not in the mood sometimes they should have sex. "Once the canoe is in the water, they do paddle happily," Arndt, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, says backing up her idea with studies and first-person testimonials. This call to get paddling - even when your arms are tired and your fingers want to poke somebody's eyes out because they refuse to throw out pyjama bottoms that have lost their elastic - has been condemned by some as a return to the dark days when women were expected to do their "wifely" duty.
A woman being convinced of the benefits of having sex when she doesn't want to is nothing new. From sexual health experts promoting books to 19-year-old boys promoting "blue balls", I have heard this call before and the answer is a big fat "no".
Although I didn't agree with her argument, I didn't find this chapter controversial; Arndt presented her supporting evidence in a measured way and was quick to acknowledge that not everyone agreed with her proposition. I found the focus on this chapter a shame because Arndt's book is so much more than "Just Do It".
In 2007 Arndt asked 98 "ordinary Australian couples" to keep a diary for six to nine months, writing about their "daily negotiations over sex". There are couples who can't keep their hands off each other, there are couples whose sex life is becoming toxic, like a relationship poison they sip from daily. Between the sex-starved and the sex-sated, there are the couples with young children; couples married for decades; couples dealing with serious health issues; couples in love with their vibrators; couples who have forgotten why they fell in love in the first place. It's a smorgasbord of ordinary, completely mixed-up couples.
Arndt's main exploration focuses on the negotiations over the "sex supply" and the impact of differing sex drives on relationships. What happens when one partner wants sex more than the other? Why does this happen and how does it affect the relationship?
Nine times out of 10 it was the male who wanted more sex and it is these entries - from men trying so hard to do the right thing, men who started out in their relationships with great sex lives, men who are frustrated and hurt, men whose touch at night is repeatedly met with a slap away - that make for heartbreaking and fascinating reading.
As Arndt says herself, women talk and joke about the sex supply to each other; men keep quiet and, finally, through these diaries, they started to talk and tell their secrets.
