공동의존자 더 이상은 없다 - 타인에게 흔들리지 않고 자신을 돌보는 법
멜로디 비에티 (지은이),김혜선 (옮긴이)
학지사 2013-07-15
원제 : Codependent No More (1986년)
공동의존자 더 이상은 없다
정가17,000원
395쪽
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Paperback) Paperback
목차
제1부┃공동의존이란 무엇인가, 누가 공동의존자인가
01 제시카 이야기
02 다른 이야기들
03 공동의존
04 공동의존자의 특징
제2부┃자기 돌봄의 원칙
05 분리
06 모든 바람에 흩날리지 마라
07 스스로를 자유롭게 하라
08 희생자를 제거하라
09 의존하지 않기
10 너 자신의 삶을 살라
11 자신과 사랑에 빠져라
12 수용의 기술을 배우라
13 자신의 감정을 느껴라
14 분노
15 당신은 분명 생각할 수 있다
16 자신의 목표를 세우라
17 의사소통
18 12단계 프로그램을 활용하라
19 여러 가지 이야기들
20 다시 살아가고 사랑하는 법 배우기
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저자 및 역자소개
멜로디 비에티 (Melody Beattie) (지은이)
미국에서 가장 사랑받는 작가 중 한 명이며, 중독과 회복 분야의 대표적인 인물이다.
1986년, 그녀의 세계적인 걸작, 『공동의존자 더 이상은 없다(Codependent No More)』를 통해 ‘공동의존’이라는 용어를 세상에 소개했다. 그녀는 수많은 사람들이 겪는 일들을 직접 체험했기 때문에 많은 독자가 그녀의 지혜와 지도의 말들을 신뢰하고 있다. 그녀는 유기와 납치, 성학대, 술과 마약 중독, 이혼 그리고 자녀의 죽음 등과 같은 결코 녹록하지 않은 절망 속에서 살아남았다. 『타임(Time)』은 그런 그녀에 대해 다음과 같이 말... 더보기
최근작 : <공동의존자 더 이상은 없다>,<상호의존성이란 무엇인가>,<감사의 기적> … 총 124종 (모두보기)
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김혜선 (옮긴이)
이화여자대학교에서 사회복지학을 전공하고 동 대학원에서 박사학위를 받았으며, 현재 강원대학교 사회복지학과 부교수로 재직 중이다. 송광가족폭력상담소, 나누리가족복지상담센터, 동해시건강가정지원센터의 센터장을 역임했고, 한국중독전문가협회 부회장과 강원지부장으로 활동하면서 사회문제와 중독 그리고 가족과의 연관성에 대해 깊게 고민해 왔다. 중독전문가 1급이며, 미국 공인 중독전문가(CAS, CRS)다.
최근작 :
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출판사 제공 책소개
공동의존자는 알코올중독자보다 더 비정상적이거나 아픈 사람이 아니다. 그러나 그들은 중독자만큼 혹은 더 많은 상처를 가지고 살아간다. 그들은 자신의 고통을 해결하는 데에 그 어떤 사회적 관심도 받지 못했다. 오히려 그들은, 알코올이나 약물이 주는 고통을 마비시키는 효과나 강박장애를 앓는 사람이 갖는 고조된 기분조차 느끼지 못하면서 고스란히 고통만 겪어 왔다.
문제가 있는 사람을 사랑하는 것 때문에 받아야 하는 고통은 더 깊을 수밖에 없다.공동의존자는 자신이 필요로 하는 그리고 당연히 받아야 하는 정보와 실질적인 도움을 받기가 어려웠다. 심지어 알코올중독자나 정신장애를 가진 사람에게조차 도움이 필요하다는 사실을 확신시키는 것도 힘든 일인데, 상대적으로 멀쩡하게 보이는 그러면서도 자신의 문제를 느끼지 못하는 공동의존자에게 그들이 여러 가지 문제를 가지고 있다는 사실을 깨닫게 하기란 더 힘든 일일 수밖에 없다.
공동의존자의 고통의 배경에는 아픈 사람이 있다. 하지만 공동의존자의 회복은 그 배경을 건드리지 않는 상태에서 시도된다. 최근까지도 나와 같은 많은 상담가들은 그들을 돕기 위해서 무엇을 해야 하는지 몰랐다. 때때로 공동의존자는 비난을 받았고 가끔은 무시를 당했다. 공동의존자는 또한 모든 문제를 단번에 극복하고 마술처럼 새롭게 회복될 수 있다고 기대되었다. 그러나 본질에 접근하지 못한 구태의연한 태도는 알코올중독자에게도 적용되지 못하며 공동의존자에게도 도움이 되지 않는 접근방식이었다. 공동의존자가 회복을 위해 도움을 필요로 하는 존재로 인식되는 경우는 거의 드물었다. 그들의 문제와 고통을 다루는 개별화된 회복 프로그램이 거의 제공되지 않았다. 하지만 그 특성상, 알코올중독과 강박 장애는 주변 사람들을 그 병적 상태에 영향받게 만들면서 모두 희생자로 만들어 버린다. 그 희생자들은 술을 마시지 않고 마약을 하지 않으며 도박과 과식을 하지 않고 강박적 행동을 하지 않지만 도움이 필요한 사람들이다.
바로 이 점이 내가 이 책을 쓰게 된 이유다. 이 책은 내 연구, 내 개인적인 경험, 전문적인 경험 그리고 이 주제에 대한 나의 열정으로 만들어졌다. 이 책은 개인적 생각을 담은 것으로 어떤 부분에서는 나의 편견이 스며들어 있다.
나는 전문가가 아니다. 그리고 이 책은 전문가를 위한 이론서적도 아니다. 당신에게 영향을 준 사람이 알코올중독자, 도박중독자, 음식중독자, 일중독자, 성중독자, 범죄자, 반항적인 청소년, 신경과민의 부모, 다른 의존관계나 앞서 언급한 문제들이 결합된 사람이든 간에, 이 책은 공동의존자, 바로 당신을 위한 책이다.
이 책을 통해 당신이 더 나아진다면, 당신 주변의 알코올중독자 또는 문제를 가지고 있는 사람이 회복되는 기회를 얻을지도 모른다.2 그러나 이 책은 당신이 문제를 가진 사람을 어떻게 도와주어야 할지를 가르쳐 주기 위해 쓰인 것이 아니다. 알코올중독자를 돕는 방법과 관련해서는 좋은 책들이 많이 있다. 이 책은, 당신에게 가장 중요한 것임에도 아마도 가장 소홀히 했던 책임, 즉 당신 자신을 돌보는 방법을 담고 있다. 이 책은 당신이 더 나은 감정으로 살아가기 위해 할 수 있는 것이 무엇인지를 언급하고 있다.
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구매자 (1)
전체 (1)
공감순
이 책을 만난것에 감사한다 구매
오늘 2020-11-25 공감 (1) 댓글 (0)
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마이리뷰
공동의존자에 대한 이해를 돕는 책
사실 난 공동의존자가 뭔지도 몰랐다이 책은 아는 지인이 추천을 해주신건데, 읽어보니 아무것도 모르던 나도공동의존자가 어떤 사람인지, 그 사람들의 마음이 어떤지, 무엇이 그들을 괴롭히는지..조금이나마 엿볼 수 있었다. 또한 그들에게 필요한 것이 무엇인지.. 알 수 있다.다양한 사례들로 소개되어 있어 읽기 쉽다그리고 읽기 쉬우면서도 필요한 내용이 들어있는 책이다
로로롱 2015-04-05 공감(4) 댓글(0)
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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
byMelody Beattie
4.12 · Rating details · 31,892 ratings · 1,520 reviews
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
byMelody Beattie
4.12 · Rating details · 31,892 ratings · 1,520 reviews
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
Is someone else's problem your problem?
If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book--Codependent No More.
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No More is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency--charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness.Melody Beattie is the author of Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, Stop Being Mean to Yourself, The Codependent No More Workbook and Playing It by Heart.
Average rating4.12 ·
Rating details
· 31,892 ratings · 1,520 reviews
Rating details
· 31,892 ratings · 1,520 reviews
Aug 20, 2007Lara Heisler rated it liked itFound this really helpful. I bet it could help you, too. In fact, I will loan you my copy. Even if you don't want it. Or I could buy it for you, even though I can't afford it. Don't walk away! I'll give you $20 if you read it. I know it will help you. You need help. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Now. (less)
Rachel I think this is my favorite comment that I've read on this site. At first I read it and thought you were being serious. Then I reread it and realized you were being funny. I read it again and thought 'man, this girl is such a smartass and she doesn't even care about the feelings of all of the codependents who read this book and actually have this exact problem in real life. how inconsiderate!" (must be the angry codependent in me looking out for the underdog) I read it a fourth time and considered that you probably wouldn't be reading this book unless you had some interest in the topic or had been directly affected by it, and therefore could not be so heartless as to truly make fun of someone with the long litany of codependent characteristics." Then I finally stop myself and ask why I am overthinking this girl's book review?! I guess I need to finish reading the book to find out why :) hahahah (less)Apr 24, 2012 07:30AM · flagNov 21, 2012 07:02AM · flag
Michael Cunningham Your comment was completely inappropriate, but hilarious. Kudos.Dec 29, 2012 10:14PM · flag
Alisha Your comment was appropriate AND hilarious :) I cracked up reading it. (This was me before I started learning about codependency.) Love it! :)May 03, 2015 07:19AM · flag
Heather-Lin So freaking funny! I'm commenting to ensure your review stays at the top ^_^ (less)Jan 26, 2016 05:15PM · flag
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Nov 04, 2008Maranda (addlebrained_reader) rated it really liked it
Shelves: non-fiction, personal-development, 2007-reads
This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking…
I was talking to my father on the phone one day and I was explaining to him how I have no problem exercising and eating right when Otty is gone but I can’t seem to keep it up when he is home. My father then asked me if I wanted to know what that was called…he told me it was called co-dependence and that I should start learning about this by reading a book called Co-dependent No More. I pretty much ran out right away and purchased the book.
Now, I have never been a big advocate for self-improvement books, but I have to say that this book was very enlightening. Co-dependency has a different definition for everyone. This book made me delve into my own retched thoughts and confront them head on.
This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that…my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else’s.
I also learned that I need to detach myself from the people in my life that cause me harm…emotionally, physically, doesn’t matter…
Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright.
When I first read this book, I figure that I would not post my feelings about it because they were too personal. However, now having some distance from the book and being able to employ the lessons I have learned, I am able to share myself with others.
I am not perfect and it is absolutely acceptable for me to let other people know this. Maybe, by sharing these thoughts, someone else might be inspired to read this book and better themselves as well.
(less)
flag174 likes · Like · 6 comments · see review
Dec 22, 2011
Meowbie rated it it was ok ·
I knew this was a classic of the genre, but I found myself unimpressed by it. Maybe I came at it with the wrong expectations? I was thinking of "co-dependency" in a more generic sense — say, the way a married couple can be enmeshed and lose their boundaries with each other. Beattie's book instead seems dated to me, bound up as it is with the classic origins of the term "co-dependence" in the partners of alcoholics.
For me, the constant references to alcohol and Al-Anon grated on me, as did mentions of her religious persuasion. Yes, she nodded to spirituality, but in the end, this was an unabashed God-led Twelve-Step book. This was not what I came for. I was also unimpressed by her denigration of therapy.
I have preferred Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction for better coverage of this topic. I'm also keen to read Leslie Irvine's Codependent Forevermore, which is an even-handed critique of CoDA and the recovery moment in general.
For any men reading this review (I can't imagine there will be too many), I will give my strongest recommendation to Dr Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy, which is essentially a co-dependence book aimed at men. (less)
flag121 likes · Like · 17 comments · see review
Apr 03, 2009Betsy Boo rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction, all-time-favs
What I learned from this book? Good grief! I learned soooooo much! This book opened my eyes to the path toward self-discovery, self-love, and learning how to deal with difficult relationships. I very highly recommend this book, not just for people who live with an alcoholic, but for anyone who is trying desperately hard to fix a bad relationship, whether it's with your spouse, your parents, your children...with anyone you love.
I learned how my upbringing has the power to wreck my current and future relationships if I let it. I learned how to let go of the unfixable...that the only person I have any control over is myself. I learned that I can let go of all that free-floating guilt that I never earned. What a relief! The tenets of this book are so simple...you wonder why you didn't think of them yourself! But the truth is, Ms. Beattie writes in such a simple, straight forward way that even though you may have heard much of this before, you never really processed it. At least that was my experience. I wish I had read this book years ago! (less)
flag50 likes · Like · 5 comments · see review
Oct 28, 2012Jennifer rated it liked it
practicing what I preach.
I gave it three stars because I read the entire book, and I'm still codependent.
I was sort of hoping this would like, cure me. Fix all my issues, sort of like the knight and shining self-help book I've always been waiting for.
But it didn't immediately read my mind and meet my needs, and I was crushed.
I thought, maybe if I am a better reader, it will be a happier book and then all my dreams will come true.
So I tried to be perfect, I ignored all it's flaws, and I put all it's needs first ... Everything.
Nothing worked. I became angry and embittered, became passive aggressive, made empty threats. I was ten different kinds of needy.
Then one day, I had enough, and I gave up. I set some boundaries, started to detach with love and take care of myself.
I learned how to stop controlling self-help books and start caring for myself.
(less)
flag25 likes · Like · 3 comments · see review
May 29, 2008Dana Baker rated it it was amazing
I thought I knew everything there was to know about co-dependency, but this book took it above and beyond my prior misconceptions. For anyone who has experienced emotional martyrdom and excessive guilt surrounding self-care issues, this is a necessary read! Beattie breaks down unnoticed learned behavior that's passed down through generations, behaviors that are often a result of living with an alcoholic parent or person with dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Although I wasn't directly affected by addictive issues in the family, growing up a triplet created some of the exact same self-sacrificing behavioral patterns that are talked about in this book. It's pretty amazing for anyone who has struggled to figure out why they often put others first but feel guilty taking care of themselves. (less)
flag23 likes · Like · comment · see review
Feb 28, 2008Juliana rated it liked it
Taken from my blog at http://blog.geekuniverse.org/2008/02/...
In case it isn't already clear, I'm talking about two separate books here. One book is titled "Codependent No More" and the other is "Beyond Codependency."
flag25 likes · Like · 3 comments · see review
May 29, 2008Dana Baker rated it it was amazing
I thought I knew everything there was to know about co-dependency, but this book took it above and beyond my prior misconceptions. For anyone who has experienced emotional martyrdom and excessive guilt surrounding self-care issues, this is a necessary read! Beattie breaks down unnoticed learned behavior that's passed down through generations, behaviors that are often a result of living with an alcoholic parent or person with dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Although I wasn't directly affected by addictive issues in the family, growing up a triplet created some of the exact same self-sacrificing behavioral patterns that are talked about in this book. It's pretty amazing for anyone who has struggled to figure out why they often put others first but feel guilty taking care of themselves. (less)
flag23 likes · Like · comment · see review
Feb 28, 2008Juliana rated it liked it
Taken from my blog at http://blog.geekuniverse.org/2008/02/...
In case it isn't already clear, I'm talking about two separate books here. One book is titled "Codependent No More" and the other is "Beyond Codependency."
I picked them up at the library after hearing the term codependent used in The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I've been interested in learning about the concept in the past and never gotten around to it.
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So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.
This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter.
The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."
One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take:
First, the codependent is essentially a victim of somebody else's addictive or destructive behavior. As such, they are to be pitied and helped.
Next, the codependent tries to figure out how to cope with a situation that is not their fault and they have no control over. The natural instinct is to try to gain some control over the situation. But instead of doing it the healthy way--controlling themself by setting boundaries and knowing how to enforce them--they try to control the other person by "helping" them in various ways.
Lastly, when the problem gets worse and worse, the codependent becomes angry, bitter and dejected as a result of their failed attempts to gain some level of control over a situation that was already impossibly difficult to deal with. It is at this point that a codependent becomes an ugly force to be reckoned with. As they bounce between the second and third phase, they may play a Jekyll & Hyde game appearing intensely angry and controlling at some moments and at other moments seem to be the kindest, most giving person possible. It is at this stage that the original victim can become abusive.
At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.
I spent a lot of time pondering the conflict between charity and codependency, and wondering if I could really bring this book in line with my religious views. I'll save that for a separate blog entry. I also pondered my own tendency toward codependency. Did I learn behaviors that have been passed down through the generations? Or do I have some trauma I am dealing with in my life? Whatever the answer, my New Year's Resolution is to stop worrying about other people and learn to love and accept myself. So far, it's feeling fabulous and I think it is helping me to be more charitable toward others, rather than less charitable.
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Okay, enough of explanations.
So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.
This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter.
The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."
One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take:
First, the codependent is essentially a victim of somebody else's addictive or destructive behavior. As such, they are to be pitied and helped.
Next, the codependent tries to figure out how to cope with a situation that is not their fault and they have no control over. The natural instinct is to try to gain some control over the situation. But instead of doing it the healthy way--controlling themself by setting boundaries and knowing how to enforce them--they try to control the other person by "helping" them in various ways.
Lastly, when the problem gets worse and worse, the codependent becomes angry, bitter and dejected as a result of their failed attempts to gain some level of control over a situation that was already impossibly difficult to deal with. It is at this point that a codependent becomes an ugly force to be reckoned with. As they bounce between the second and third phase, they may play a Jekyll & Hyde game appearing intensely angry and controlling at some moments and at other moments seem to be the kindest, most giving person possible. It is at this stage that the original victim can become abusive.
At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.
I spent a lot of time pondering the conflict between charity and codependency, and wondering if I could really bring this book in line with my religious views. I'll save that for a separate blog entry. I also pondered my own tendency toward codependency. Did I learn behaviors that have been passed down through the generations? Or do I have some trauma I am dealing with in my life? Whatever the answer, my New Year's Resolution is to stop worrying about other people and learn to love and accept myself. So far, it's feeling fabulous and I think it is helping me to be more charitable toward others, rather than less charitable.
===
Okay, enough of explanations.
I thought the concepts covered in these books were eye-opening and instructive. I think it's a great paradigm to explore. However, I think a better book could be written. Codependent No More is essentially the Go To book about codependency. I found it well written, but somewhat rambling and repetitive. (Somewhat like this blog?) Just as I found myself intrigued by a concept, the author would go into some lengthy story that only partially made sense to me, as somebody who has never dealt with an alcoholic or chemically dependent person. I actually enjoyed Beyond Codependency more because it dealt more with solutions to the problem than lengthy descriptions. Once I "got it," I "got it" and was bored with further detail in the first book.
I found myself wishing for a book that was written for a wider audience and in more broad terms, with less focus on the alcoholism angle. As it turns out, I found the perfect book by accident. I saw a book at Deseret Book titled "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and was reminded of the codependency angle. So I bought it on a whim. It's exactly what I didn't realize I was looking for and it'll be up next in this four-part series of Self Help book reviews.
For more information about codependency:
According to Mental Health America (some random website I found online, which described it better than most) the symptoms of codependency are:
Problems with intimacy/boundaries (less)
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Mar 31, 2015Christine Hernando rated it did not like it
I decided to read this book because so many of my clients are reading or have read it. I figured it would be a good idea to know what they're reading, especially since these clients regard it so highly but seem to be making little progress. Now I know why. What a load of crap. If the author of this book is to be believed, everyone is codependent. Furthermore, she perpetuates victimhood: it's not my fault I'm codependent. It's a natural, understandable reaction to my childhood, adulthood, blah blah blah. There are so many better self-help books out there. This is one of the last ones I would recommend! (less)
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Aug 12, 2018Emma rated it really liked it
A very helpful and important book about co-dependency. The author speaks kindly and is supportive and there are lots of practical suggestions too. My criticisms would be that it seems very dated in places, and she does like to use the word "God" when I would've preferred her to use Higher Power, however, that should not diminish the significance or importance of this book. There is no mention of CoDA either, so I am guessing as an organisation, it did not exist when the book was written. It's a good start, for those who feel definitions and explanations of the term and actions around co-dependency are needed and is very helpful. Recommended (less)
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Jan 22, 2008Carolyn rated it liked it
Recommends it for: Those who feel responsible for the behavior of others
If only I had read this book 10 years ago... I might not be in the mess I'm in now.
This is a good book for those in crisis mode. When you're beaten down and feeling trapped and you don't know what the hell is wrong with you, you need this book, which tells you over and over and over and over again: You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person...
I stumbled upon this book a little late. I had already had my crisis, realized I needed to change my life and started taking steps in the right direction. Therefore, about half of the book I didn't need. I could see myself 5 or 10 years ago in a few chapters, 1 or 2 years ago in others. It made me a little angry that I had to go through some of the things I went through via trial and error, without the aid of this little self-help book. I could see how helpful it would have been if I had had it then. If you already know what co-dependency is, this isn't the book for you. This is a book for those who are struggling and have no idea what the hell is wrong with them. We all know these people. They don't know yet that they need help, but they do.
Help them. Give this book to someone you love. (less)
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Oct 16, 2007Jim rated it liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
An eye-opening book that reveals many behaviors one adopts to handle living with someone with addiction problems, or as in my case, mental-health issues. I never realized the extent to which my relationship warped me, to some level my fault for allowing it to happen, but the book also presented a lot of ways to come to an understanding of what it means to be a codependent and also ways to combat and correct behavior. I didn't completely like the religious angles that much, though they will be good for some people, and at times it seemed as though there was an awfully large umbrella for which people could be defined as codependent. But I learned from this book and took a step in the right direction in trying to regain control of my life. (less)
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Oct 27, 2010Rhonda rated it really liked it
Shelves: read-in-2010
Quite the enlightening book...
Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.
Favorite Quotes:
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
But, the heart of the definition and arecovery lies not in the 'other person'---no matter howmuch we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive 'helping', caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the biazrre, other-centeredness that results in abondonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through athe five-stage grief process. p 36
The word 'react' is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you coose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. they underreact. but rarely do they 'act'. p 38
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's rsponsibilities and tend to our own instead. ...
We try to live happily---focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. Detachment involves "present moment living"--living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. ...
We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about waht is happening. We undersatnd that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let HIm do it.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. p 62,63
A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do. p 65
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80
For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. when you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free. p 82
Codependents are oppressed, depressed, and repressed. Many of us can quickly tell what someone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they've felt that way, and what that person is probably going to do beccause of that feeling. Many of us spend our lives fussing about other people's feelings. We try to fix people's feelings. We try to control other people's feelings. We don't want to furt people, we don't want to upset them, and we don't want to offend them. We feel so responsible for other people's feelings. Yet we don't know what we are feeling. If we do, we don't know what to do to fix ourselves. many of us have abandoned or never taken responsibility for our emotional selves. p 142
(less)
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Apr 18, 2012Marie rated it really liked it
I found myself wishing for a book that was written for a wider audience and in more broad terms, with less focus on the alcoholism angle. As it turns out, I found the perfect book by accident. I saw a book at Deseret Book titled "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and was reminded of the codependency angle. So I bought it on a whim. It's exactly what I didn't realize I was looking for and it'll be up next in this four-part series of Self Help book reviews.
For more information about codependency:
According to Mental Health America (some random website I found online, which described it better than most) the symptoms of codependency are:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
- A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
- A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
- A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
- An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
- An extreme need for approval and recognition
- A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
- A compelling need to control others
- Lack of trust in self and/or others
- Fear of being abandoned or alone
- Difficulty identifying feelings
- Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries (less)
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Mar 31, 2015Christine Hernando rated it did not like it
I decided to read this book because so many of my clients are reading or have read it. I figured it would be a good idea to know what they're reading, especially since these clients regard it so highly but seem to be making little progress. Now I know why. What a load of crap. If the author of this book is to be believed, everyone is codependent. Furthermore, she perpetuates victimhood: it's not my fault I'm codependent. It's a natural, understandable reaction to my childhood, adulthood, blah blah blah. There are so many better self-help books out there. This is one of the last ones I would recommend! (less)
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Aug 12, 2018Emma rated it really liked it
A very helpful and important book about co-dependency. The author speaks kindly and is supportive and there are lots of practical suggestions too. My criticisms would be that it seems very dated in places, and she does like to use the word "God" when I would've preferred her to use Higher Power, however, that should not diminish the significance or importance of this book. There is no mention of CoDA either, so I am guessing as an organisation, it did not exist when the book was written. It's a good start, for those who feel definitions and explanations of the term and actions around co-dependency are needed and is very helpful. Recommended (less)
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Jan 22, 2008Carolyn rated it liked it
Recommends it for: Those who feel responsible for the behavior of others
If only I had read this book 10 years ago... I might not be in the mess I'm in now.
This is a good book for those in crisis mode. When you're beaten down and feeling trapped and you don't know what the hell is wrong with you, you need this book, which tells you over and over and over and over again: You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person. You're okay, you're a good person...
I stumbled upon this book a little late. I had already had my crisis, realized I needed to change my life and started taking steps in the right direction. Therefore, about half of the book I didn't need. I could see myself 5 or 10 years ago in a few chapters, 1 or 2 years ago in others. It made me a little angry that I had to go through some of the things I went through via trial and error, without the aid of this little self-help book. I could see how helpful it would have been if I had had it then. If you already know what co-dependency is, this isn't the book for you. This is a book for those who are struggling and have no idea what the hell is wrong with them. We all know these people. They don't know yet that they need help, but they do.
Help them. Give this book to someone you love. (less)
flag13 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
Oct 16, 2007Jim rated it liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
An eye-opening book that reveals many behaviors one adopts to handle living with someone with addiction problems, or as in my case, mental-health issues. I never realized the extent to which my relationship warped me, to some level my fault for allowing it to happen, but the book also presented a lot of ways to come to an understanding of what it means to be a codependent and also ways to combat and correct behavior. I didn't completely like the religious angles that much, though they will be good for some people, and at times it seemed as though there was an awfully large umbrella for which people could be defined as codependent. But I learned from this book and took a step in the right direction in trying to regain control of my life. (less)
flag12 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
Oct 27, 2010Rhonda rated it really liked it
Shelves: read-in-2010
Quite the enlightening book...
Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.
Favorite Quotes:
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
But, the heart of the definition and arecovery lies not in the 'other person'---no matter howmuch we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive 'helping', caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the biazrre, other-centeredness that results in abondonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through athe five-stage grief process. p 36
The word 'react' is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you coose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. they underreact. but rarely do they 'act'. p 38
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's rsponsibilities and tend to our own instead. ...
We try to live happily---focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. Detachment involves "present moment living"--living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. ...
We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about waht is happening. We undersatnd that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let HIm do it.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. p 62,63
A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do. p 65
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80
For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. when you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free. p 82
Codependents are oppressed, depressed, and repressed. Many of us can quickly tell what someone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they've felt that way, and what that person is probably going to do beccause of that feeling. Many of us spend our lives fussing about other people's feelings. We try to fix people's feelings. We try to control other people's feelings. We don't want to furt people, we don't want to upset them, and we don't want to offend them. We feel so responsible for other people's feelings. Yet we don't know what we are feeling. If we do, we don't know what to do to fix ourselves. many of us have abandoned or never taken responsibility for our emotional selves. p 142
(less)
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Apr 18, 2012Marie rated it really liked it
As an adult child of alcoholic parents I am giving you forced "advice" to read this book. Ha! Just a little codependent joke. I just started to read this...it's heavy and hard to stomach at times, but definitely going to help me. I try to spend a little time with it every couple of days with a journal. So far it's been an amazing read. While it seems like I have a lot of work to do--it's all for the best. I have young children, and don't want to pass this stuff on...so I'm diving in and hopefully a better version of "me" will come of it! (less)
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Dec 28, 2012Donna rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: everyone
VERY helpful book for many women, including my former self. I have read and recommended, and bought this book countless times for others. I buy every copy I see at garage sales and used book stores, knowing that shortly, someone will come into my sphere that needs it. This book is about taking care of YOURSELF, your neglected areas of living and using boundaries, both on yourself (being caretakers we frequently overreach ourselves) and on others. It clears up messy areas of emotions and I think should be required reading for everyone.
"Its' not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is NOT possible to find it elsewhere".
Book discusses how to stop thinking of yourself as a victim- a victim of an abuser, of an alcoholic, of life. Discuses goal setting, thinking clearly, and how to begin to understand yourself as YOU see yourself not as others define you. Clearly, we are each created to our own purpose, and this book helps you discover yourself. (less)
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Nov 28, 2016Nikola Janevski rated it did not like it
Besides the poor writing style, this book is meaningless. If you are human you are codependent. Period!
Page after page, the same thing. Repetitive, preachy, persecutory but not redeeming. It reads as if written by an angry teenager. If you need an unhealthy dose of self-hate go for this book otherwise do yourself a favor and get a copy of one of Brene Brown's books. (less)
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Jan 09, 2014Devon rated it it was ok · review of another edition
This book was recommended to me a few years ago as a classic in the genre for dealing with codependent behaviours. At the time, I read the first couple of chapters and tossed it aside. What I read didn't seem to click with my experience and I felt put off by the writing. Recently, it was given as a tentative recommendation again ("you may want to look into it to see if it will be useful for you") and I thought, with a distance of a few years, why not try it again? But my opinion hasn't changed much.
While I found the listing of codependent behaviours very useful and applicable, I couldn't find anything else in the book particularly useful to me. It feels incredibly dated and, while I do not doubt the author's enthusiasm and compassion, it was grating at many points. Another reviewer mentioned that the constant reference to alcoholism and twelve-step programs was irritating and problematic, and I very much agree.
Codependent individuals who have no connection to alcohol or substance abuse, sick family members, or otherwise, are completely elided in the text and it seems as if you can only be codependent if you have some connection to one of these things. I don't. The very heavy, God-led, twelve-step program lauded by the author is also problematic because it is a very narrow view of spirituality and pushes that one world-view/belief system on the readers. The author also seems to have a very poor view of therapy, and I didn't appreciate the cavalier way she dismisses it, implying it's not as helpful as twelve-step plans.
My biggest problem with the book, overall, is the fact that it just plain isn't helpful. The discussion in each chapter can be reduced to something like this: "This is a behaviour you do, which causes a lot of pain to you and others. Just don't do that behaviour." Maybe some people would be able to just "stop" doing codependent behaviours - and kudos to them if they can! But it seems like the author believes everyone can just "stop it", and it's "just that easy". Stop doing the thing, and you'll feel better! Many times while reading, I found myself getting frustrated with this back and forth; there really wasn't any real help given to "stop doing the thing", save for just not doing it, or participating in a twelve-step program. In fact, start in a program and you'll just stop doing it! It was very frustrating and problematic.
I really felt like what was presented in the book didn't have any bearing on the problems I have. Maybe that is symptomatic of how old this book actually is, how dated. As it is, I found it more frustrating than helpful, and would suggest going to other books on this topic for help ( Meowbie's review has some recommendations). (less)
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Nov 14, 2011Mr. Roboto rated it liked it
My biggest problem with the book, overall, is the fact that it just plain isn't helpful. The discussion in each chapter can be reduced to something like this: "This is a behaviour you do, which causes a lot of pain to you and others. Just don't do that behaviour." Maybe some people would be able to just "stop" doing codependent behaviours - and kudos to them if they can! But it seems like the author believes everyone can just "stop it", and it's "just that easy". Stop doing the thing, and you'll feel better! Many times while reading, I found myself getting frustrated with this back and forth; there really wasn't any real help given to "stop doing the thing", save for just not doing it, or participating in a twelve-step program. In fact, start in a program and you'll just stop doing it! It was very frustrating and problematic.
I really felt like what was presented in the book didn't have any bearing on the problems I have. Maybe that is symptomatic of how old this book actually is, how dated. As it is, I found it more frustrating than helpful, and would suggest going to other books on this topic for help ( Meowbie's review has some recommendations). (less)
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Nov 14, 2011Mr. Roboto rated it liked it
Having been raised by a codependent parent who catered to my other narcissistic parent, this book has been validating to read. I now have a better understanding of codependent behavior, and this book has not only verified what I believed, it has also allowed me to check myself for codependent behaviors. Even if you do not identify as codependent (and now I know I do not), you may find, as I did, that learning more about codependence helps put family relationships into perspective. Although I'm not a big fan of the writing style, this is a worthwhile read.
The book contains many quotes from the Twelve Step model and makes many references to God and a Higher Power. The Twelve Step references seemed appropriate at first but I didn't expect to see chapter(s) dedicated to the program. While the parts about the Twelve Step Program offer a good preview for those considering meetings for codependents, it started feeling like a sales pitch. I could have done without so many theistic references, and even though the author states that these references are spiritual but not religious, they felt religious.
I also felt that the book became repetitive towards the end, like one big motivational speech. That didn't speak to me, but this book was written for codependent folks who might need that sort of "You're okay!" cheerleading. Despite my gripes here, I do recommend the read for folks whose life circumstances fooled them into believing that they're not good enough.
Bought the Kindle edition for $8.57 and found a few typos. (Come on, editors!) (less)
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Sep 19, 2011Homa rated it it was amazing
I am not a person who likes tough love, and it was a very hard to keep reading this book when it felt like I was being torn apart. But I was assured by the person who handed me this book, by looking at their happiness and personality, that the end must be better. Well, she was "tough love" statements through out the book. Reflecting/looking back after having read this book, and I do feel very good, and positive after all.
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Sep 19, 2011Homa rated it it was amazing
I am not a person who likes tough love, and it was a very hard to keep reading this book when it felt like I was being torn apart. But I was assured by the person who handed me this book, by looking at their happiness and personality, that the end must be better. Well, she was "tough love" statements through out the book. Reflecting/looking back after having read this book, and I do feel very good, and positive after all.
Each chapter ended with an assignment/activity for one to complete. Usually consisted of writing a few sentences, and I did just that. Now having finished the book, I get to read those, and see how I evolved as a person, and see that I am in the right path in making myself that person I see myself, and want to be. I think the bok is great and recommend it to anyone who is down in life and having issues with family and/or friends. (less)
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Jun 30, 2019Nelma Gray rated it liked it
Well, religious stuff aside, it helped me recognize some of my bad habits.
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Sep 13, 2015Kirby rated it liked it
It's sort of hard to rate self-help books so I'm just going to rate this one on how helpful it was to me in particular. I would say it was 50% helpful. Simply reading its descriptions of codependency was really instructive. Lately, I've been hearing the word codependent used a lot, and most people are not using it correctly (for example, I've heard several people use it to describe couples who can't go out without each other, and that's not really what it means).
Codependency has a very wide definition, but the best way that I understand it after reading this book is that codependent people let the negative behaviors of those around them affect their own feelings and behaviors in a negative way. As a result, codependents become controlling, moody and often adopt a martyr syndrome that never fixes anything. The book, which is geared towards family members of alcoholics, clarifies a lot of these unhealthy behaviors and gives tips on how to be self-aware and how to manage our emotions, which I find to be helpful, even if it's not groundbreaking scientific work or whatever.
Not helpful: the content was pretty repetitive after awhile, and there was too much talk about God for my taste, especially towards the end. She snuck it into the beginning in a way that many self-help books do ("It helps to find a spiritual power of some sort, whatever your beliefs"), but by the end, she was quoting Bible verses and throwing around tons of "Put your trust in God" verbiage that just made me feel like barf, no thanks.
Still, this book is a great introduction to codepedency. I would recommend it to anyone who has a family member or loved one who is alcoholic, compulsive or just generally hard to be around. (less)
Not helpful: the content was pretty repetitive after awhile, and there was too much talk about God for my taste, especially towards the end. She snuck it into the beginning in a way that many self-help books do ("It helps to find a spiritual power of some sort, whatever your beliefs"), but by the end, she was quoting Bible verses and throwing around tons of "Put your trust in God" verbiage that just made me feel like barf, no thanks.
Still, this book is a great introduction to codepedency. I would recommend it to anyone who has a family member or loved one who is alcoholic, compulsive or just generally hard to be around. (less)
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Jun 01, 2021Kandi Steiner rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help, faves-3
Every single person should read this book -- whether you identify as being codependent or not. I read this slowly, over a few months, digesting each new piece and practicing applying everything in my day-to-day life. It opened my eyes to so much and has helped me grow immensely. I highly, highly recommend.
I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!"
The truth was I didn't UNDERSTAND the meaning of the word codependent, or the behaviors of someone with codependency, and certainly not the birth of these behaviors. This book helped me to truly explore that, and I can only say that I am happier on the other side of this book -- and a hell of a lot less anxious LOL.
A great read for anyone who feels like they always put others first but no one does the same for them, or that they have given so much they have lost themselves, or who is trying to be or already on the other side of an abusive relationship and has no idea how to restart. Honestly, just a great read for anyone, period. Definitely a top read of the year for me. (less)
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May 28, 2021Beth rated it really liked it
I was introduced to the concept of codependency by my therapist -- which she described as letting others' feelings dictate our own -- and ever since, it has felt like a door has unlocked. This book is pretty old for a self help book, but I still found so much of it to be relatable and worthwhile. For so long I couldn't understand why certain people's moods consumed my thoughts, why I felt like I needed permission to do things though I'm certainly an adult, why I struggled to just relax and have fun -- it was all codependency, and just to know that has been validating and healing for me.
Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation.
There's also an app based on another book by the author, The Language of Letting Go, that offers daily thoughts to meditate on (my therapist recommended that for me, too). I've really loved that because, unlike a book, which I read and then put aside, the app brings up one small idea for me every day.
If any of this resonates with you, I'd definitely recommend any book by this author or "the Language of Letting Go" app. (less)
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Mar 24, 2015Crystal Oros rated it really liked it
Shelves: mental-illness
This book was difficult for me to read as it was very confronting & made me realise just how hard it is to put myself first & how it's even harder still to be directly honest about what standards & boundaries I feel that I need especially when traumas are involved. I like how Melody makes a point to say go slow, take as long as you need to heal & to heal in your own time, not when others tell you to. I don't completely fit the codependent category so most of it didn't make much sense to me but it was an insightful read just the same & Although some parts made me angry for a few reasons that I don't completely understand just yet, I would still recommend this book for anyone looking to heal old wounds or even if you'd just like to understand some of the behaviours & psychology of others around you. (less)
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Jan 18, 2011Lorna rated it really liked it
Have you ever felt like someone else's words or behaviors shaped your whole day? Have you ever done something for someone else, when he was capable of doing it for himself? Are you currently in a relationship with someone who is dependent on a substance and/or is abusive verbally or physically? If so, you may be in a codependent relationship and this book may be helpful to you. It was written by a lay person and is almost devoid of jargon. This is a very practical guide to understanding and changing your codependent relationships, aka taking back your life and embracing who you are. Definitely recommend it! (less)
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Mar 26, 2011Heather rated it really liked it · review of another edition
Years ago, I did research online about codependency and was surprised to find it is not a fixed high-level diagnosis, but rather a sliding scale where just about everyone exhibits at least a mild form of it at some point. So just about everyone can benefit from this book if they read it with a toning-down grain of salt. Accountability for your own life is something we can all do a little better, whether we are blaming ALL our problems on an alcoholic, or only one or two problems on an annoying friend/relative/spouse. (less)
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Top reviews from other countries
Jessamine Cox
2.0 out of 5 stars Outdated Alcoholism focussed explanations of codependency
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 4 September 2020
Unless your issues are directly related to being in a relationship with an alcoholic then don’t bother!
This is a very outdated take on the condition as it is now highly documented that there are other issues which lead to codependency, none of those are covered in this book. Loosely reference maybe, but not the sole focus is alcoholism.
I grew very tired of having to decipher every single example given of someone with an alcoholic partner and try to relate it to my own non-alcohol based circumstance.
I am also quite confused that the author began by saying she wanted to write a ‘’warm, gentle, non-judgemental book’’
This is anything but!
At least the first half of this book felt extremely judgemental of codependents, and as though you were under attack. Constant blaming and shaming. I found it quite difficult to stick with.
It was only the second half of the book which actually covered what I was hoping it would - strategies for changing behaviours and how to do that... although still, every single case study and example related to people in relationships with alcoholics.
Another thing I personally found annoying with this book is the authors lack of confidence in her own opinion and how she has to constantly and repeatedly reference other authors to back up what she is saying.
A few here as there, fine! But the continual referencing of other authors to back up her point of view makes me feel like I would be better reading one of their books.
Perhaps if my partner was a raging alcoholic then I may be leaving a rave review, but this is not the case so I feel this book was only 20% relevant and helpful to me.
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22 people found this helpful
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looks fun!!!!!!!!!!!!
5.0 out of 5 stars Profound and life changing!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 17 July 2018
Verified Purchase
Having recently come out of a relationship in which we were/are both codependent, I've been searching for an explanation as to why two people who love and adore each other can't be happy. I'm not searching for that explanation any more as the clarity this book has given me is nothing short of spectacular.
Thank you, Melody Beattie, for empowering me, giving me direction and focus, but mostly for giving me the chance to be happy.
43 people found this helpful
JJ
3.0 out of 5 stars OK if your issues are alcohol related
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 28 August 2020
Verified Purchase
I bought this book because I had seen a few bits about codependany and recognised myself in it but I didn't get on too well with it. Almost all of the examples are about alcohol issues and I got a bit fed up with having to try and understand it from a different point of view, I think the author's alcohol issues are the reason so if you're looking for a book because someone close to you has the same issues it will be a good book to read, I just would have preferred a different slant in at least a few of the examples.
12 people found this helpful
laura m
2.0 out of 5 stars this is a great book for a lot of people
Reviewed in the United States on 22 April 2018
Verified Purchase
Unfortunately, this is a great book for a lot of people, but it is more religious based than I'm comfortable with.
740 people found this helpful
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Tonia Bastable
5.0 out of 5 stars Psychic change
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 18 September 2019
Verified Purchase
Well if I had any confusion about whether I am codependent, I don’t have now! Absolutely fascinating read, well opens your eyes and assists anyone seeking a psychic change
8 people found this helpful
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