The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World Kindle Edition
by Jamil Zaki (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
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'In this masterpiece, Jamil Zaki weaves together the very latest science with stories that will stay in your heart forever' - Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
'Scientific, gripping, groundbreaking and hopeful. The War for Kindness is the message for our times' - Carol Dweck, author of Mindset
Empathy has been on people's mind a lot lately. Philosophers, evolutionary scientists and indeed former President Obama agree that an increase in empathy could advance us beyond the hatred, violence and polarization in which the world seems caught. Others disagree, arguing it is easiest to empathize with people who look, talk or think like us. As a result, empathy can inspire nepotism, racism and worse.
Having studied the neuroscience and psychology of empathy for over a decade, Jamil Zaki thinks both sides of this debate have a point. Empathy is sometimes an engine for moral progress, and other times for moral failure. But Zaki also thinks that both sides are wrong about how empathy works.
Both scientists and non-scientists commonly argue that empathy is something that happens to you, sort of like an emotional knee-jerk reflex. Second, they believe it happens more to some people than others. This lines people up along a spectrum, with deep empaths on one end and psychopaths on the other. What's more, wherever we are on that spectrum, we're stuck there.
In The War for Kindness, Zaki lays out a very different view of how empathy works, one that breaks these two assumptions. Empathy is not a reflex; it's a choice. We choose empathy (or apathy) constantly: when we read a tragic novel, or cross the street to avoid a homeless person, or ask a distraught friend what's the matter. This view has crucial consequences: if empathy is less a trait (like height), and more a skill (like being good at word games), then we can improve at it. By choosing it more often, we can flex our capabilities and grow more empathic over time. We can also "tune" empathy, ramping it up in situations where it will help and turning it down when it might backfire.
Zaki takes us from the world of doctors who train medical students to empathise better to social workers who help each other survive empathising too much. From police trainers who help cadets avoid becoming violent cops to political advocates who ask white Americans to literally walk a (dusty) mile in Mexican immigrants' shoes. This book will give you a deepened understanding of how empathy works, how to control it and how to become the type of empathiser you want to be.
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Print length
290 pages
Language
English
Publisher
Robinson
Publication date
June 6, 2019
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Lucid, stimulating . . . [The War for Kindness aims] to challenge antiquated views of the brain and human behavior. . . . Zaki issues a call for concerted action to build empathy in a world he sees as fractured and threatened by escalating tribalism, cruelty, and isolation.”—The American Scholar
“Zaki is a compelling writer, and even an android could not help but respond to his prose. . . . Zaki’s goals go beyond sharing the science of empathy with the masses. He hopes to inspire people to actually practice more kindness in their lives.”—Science
“Zaki’s heart-of-the-matter writing style relates complex emotion in clear, direct language. He walks his own fine line, between significant research findings and his personal emotional and empathic responses. His research and his book are worthy.”—Booklist
“With alarming evidence of our society's rapidly diminishing empathy, Zaki draws on decades of clinical research, along with experiments conducted at his lab, to consider the forces that impact our modern condition . . . an urgent message.”—Kirkus Reviews
“Jamil Zaki is one of the brightest lights in psychology, and in this gripping book he shows that kindness is not a sign of weakness but a source of strength.”—Adam Grant, author of Give and Take and Originals
“Beautifully written and deeply felt, The War for Kindness is an outstanding scientific analysis of our species’ best and last hope for survival—our unique ability to care about each other.”—Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness
“A beautifully written, uplifting, scientifically impeccable book.”—Robert Sapolsky, author of Behave
“Seamlessly stitching together his own experiences with fascinating stories and research from around the globe, Jamil lays out the irrefutable evidence for what we may already instinctively be sensing . . . that in these uncertain times, our ability to cultivate empathy for one another is not only possible, it’s necessary. A must read for anyone willing to peek under the hood of the human heart.”—Amanda Palmer --This text refers to the paperback edition.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
INTRODUCTION
I was eight years old when my parents began divorcing, but twelve by the time they finished. They were born ten thousand miles apart—my mother in southern Peru near the Chilean border, my father in the six-month-old nation of Pakistan. Twenty-five years later, Washington State University granted scholarships to students from the world’s poorest nations, giving one to my mother. Around the same time, my dad’s father gifted him a one-way ticket to the United States, and just enough money for a semester at WSU. They traveled from Lima and Lahore—each city about the size of Los Angeles—to the woodsy, sleepy town of Pullman.
Both of my parents felt disoriented in their new home. My dad had been middle class in Pakistan but was penniless by American standards. On many mornings, he’d buy three hot dogs for one dollar at a local restaurant, spreading them out over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Breaking Muslim norms hurt, but he couldn’t afford any other option. My mom was assigned a host family to ease the transition, but they lived eighty miles from campus. She spent much of her time alone, studying. WSU held a welcome reception for its international scholars. My dad showed up for the food, my mom for the company.
They married and moved to suburban Massachusetts, where I was born. But as they became more comfortable with the United States, they grew less comfortable with each other. My father began a computer hardware company and worked eighteen hours a day. His American dream culminated in a beige Mercedes and a massive peach-colored stucco house, both of which struck my mother as grotesque. After not seeing much of my father for a few years, she decided to see even less of him.
As my parents receded from each other, they scorched the earth between them. Outside of court they studiously avoided contact. My dad would wait in my mom’s driveway at a dedicated time each week, I would walk outside, and my mom would lock the door behind me, careful to not show herself. When I was thirteen, my father’s mother died. That weekend when he arrived to pick me up, my mother walked outside and they hugged. It was the only time I remember them looking at each other in a ten-year span.
I shuttled back and forth between their houses, but I might as well have been moving between parallel universes—each defined by its own priorities, fears, and grievances. My mom is quintessentially Peruvian and values family above all else. She lost herself in anxiety over how the divorce would affect me, picking out signs that I was in pain and tallying those in a mental ledger of the damage my father had done. In my father’s world, intellect and ambition mattered most. He often told me that where he came from, the student who scored highest on a big exam made it to college, but the kid who scored second best ended up on the street. When my grades slumped, he wondered aloud whether it would be worth the money to send me to college. He had broken his back to give my mother and me what he had never had, a favor we repaid by demoting him to half villain, half ATM. How could we not see that?
My parents each tried to conscript me into their war. They told me the secrets they were keeping from each other. They bought favor by letting me break the other’s rules. They vented bitterly and, when I didn’t join in, accused me of being on the other’s side. I think all three of us believed that at some point I would have to choose one parent, giving up on ever really knowing the other.
In the classic 1983 film WarGames, a young Matthew Broderick hacks into “Joshua,” an artificial intelligence program that, unbeknownst to him, is plugged into NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command. He plays a simulation of thermonuclear war between the United States and the Soviet Union, nearly setting off World War III in the process. With Joshua set to take over NORAD’s missile system and fire, Broderick convinces it to first try out every strategy. Joshua quickly realizes that no matter what either nation does, they both end up obliterated. “Strange game,” the program reflects. “The only way to win is not to play.”
So with my parents, I decided not to play—or at least not in the way they wanted. As they fought through me, I fought to hold on to both of them. Rather than picking a side, I tried to understand these two good people, who were trying to do right by me despite the pain they were in. While at my mom’s house, I picked up the rules that governed her heart and mind, and made them true for myself. When I visited my dad, I adapted to his world. It was hard work. Like so many children of divorce, I was pulled in different directions by a centrifugal force. Sometimes it was hard to know what I believed. But I learned to tune myself to each of my parents’ frequencies, and managed to stay connected to both of them, even as their ties to each other disintegrated.
When I think back on those days, I’m filled with gratitude. That two people’s experiences could differ so drastically, yet both be true and deep, is maybe the most important lesson I’ve ever learned.
Imagine putting on a pair of goggles that work like thermal sensors but pick up emotion instead of body heat. You could watch, in glowing infrared, as anger, embarrassment, and joy bloomed inside people. If you kept watching, you would see that feelings do not stay put in any one person. When a friend cries in front of you or tells you a hilarious story, their voice and expressions leap through the air between you and into your brain, changing you in the process. You take on their emotions, decode their thoughts, and worry about their welfare. In other words, you empathize.
Most people understand empathy as more or less a feeling in itself—I feel your pain—but it’s more complicated than that. “Empathy” actually refers to several different ways we respond to each other. These include identifying what others feel (cognitive empathy), sharing their emotions (emotional empathy), and wishing to improve their experiences (empathetic concern).
I can’t know for sure how you experience the color blue, let alone exactly how you feel when you’re excited or frightened. Our private worlds circle each other in wobbly orbits but never touch. When two people become friends, their worlds inch closer together; when my parents split up, theirs drifted apart. Empathy is the mental superpower that overcomes this distance. Through it we voyage to others’ worlds and make guesses about how it feels to be them. An impressive amount of the time, we get it right. Listening to a stranger tell an emotional story, we can describe how they feel with considerable accuracy. Glimpsing a face, we can intuit what a person enjoys and how much they can be trusted.
Empathy’s most important role, though, is to inspire kindness: our tendency to help each other, even at a cost to ourselfes. Kindness can often feel like a luxury—the ultimate soft skill in a hard world. It puzzled Charles Darwin. According to his theory of natural selection, organisms should protect themselves above all else. Helping others did not fit into that equation, especially when we risked our own safety to do so. As Darwin wrote in The Descent of Man, “He who was ready to sacrifice his life . . . rather than betray his comrades, would often leave no offspring to inherit his noble nature.”
In fact, kindness is one of the animal kingdom’s most vital survival skills. Newborns are little bundles of need, and remain mostly helpless for days (geese), months (kangaroos), or decades (us). Either parents sacrifice to help them survive, or they risk leaving no offspring to inherit their selfish nature. The same goes for other kin: When an animal helps its relatives, it ensures the survival of its own genes. Unrelated animals can also benefit from acting kindly, especially when doing so builds alliances between them. Working together, they can find food, protect one another, and thrive in ways loners simply can’t.
In these cases, kindness is smart, but that still doesn’t explain why any one animal chooses to help another in a given moment. A mother squirrel doesn’t know that her genes will be passed to the next generation, so why nurture her pups? A vervet monkey can’t calculate the odds that a neighbor will return his favor, so why bother? Empathy is nature’s answer to that question. When one creature shares another’s emotions, seeing pain feels like being in pain, and helping feels like being helped.
Empathic experience undergirds kind action; it’s a relationship far older than our species. A rat will freeze—a sign of anxiety— when its cage-mate is zapped with electric shocks. Thanks to that response, they also help each other, even giving up bits of chocolate to relieve the cage-mate’s distress. Mice, elephants, monkeys, and ravens all exhibit both empathy and kind behavior.
In humans, empathy took an evolutionary quantum leap. That’s a good thing for us, because physically, we’re unremarkable. At the dawn of our species, we huddled together in groups of a few families. We had neither sharp teeth, nor wings, nor the strength of our ape cousins. And we had competition: Just thirty thousand years ago, at least five other large-brained human species shared the planet with us. But over millennia, we sapiens changed to make connecting easier. Our testosterone levels dropped, our faces softened, and we became less aggressive. We developed larger eye whites than other primates, so we could easily track one another’s gaze, and intricate facial muscles that allowed us to better express emotion. Our brains developed to give us a more precise understanding of each other’s thoughts and feelings.
As a result, we developed vast empathic abilities. We can travel into the minds of not just friends and neighbors but also enemies, strangers, and even imaginary people in films or novels. This helped us become the kindest species on Earth. Chimpanzees, for instance, work together and console each other during painful moments, but their goodwill is limited. They rarely give each other food, and though they may be kind to their troop, are vicious outside of it. By contrast, humans are world-champion collaborators, helping each other far more than any other species. This became our secret weapon. As individuals we were not much to behold, but together, we were magnificent—unbeatable super-organisms who hunted woolly mammoths, built suspension bridges, and took over the planet.--This text refers to the paperback edition.
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ASIN : B07K23G92Y
Publisher : Robinson (June 6, 2019)
Publication date : June 6, 2019
Language : English
File size : 1098 KB
Text-to-Speech : Enabled
Screen Reader : Supported
Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
X-Ray : Not Enabled
Word Wise : Enabled
Print length : 290 pages
Lending : Not EnabledBest Sellers Rank: #568,722 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)#334 in Cognitive Neuroscience & Cognitive Neuropsychology
#742 in Emotions & Mental Health
#2,516 in Emotional Mental HealthCustomer Reviews:
4.6 out of 5 stars 399 ratings
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Jamil Zaki
I'm a professor of psychology at Stanford University, where I direct the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory. For the last fifteen years, I've been obsessed with a few questions: how do people connect with each other, how do those connections help us, and can we learn to connect better? I've spent my career in the wonderful world of empathy science, but also have a past life as a frustrated novelist. Together, this has led me towards a passion for not only doing research, but communicating ideas about empathy, kindness, and generosity as widely as I can.
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yaba
5.0 out of 5 stars WOWReviewed in the United States on June 8, 2019
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It’s not everyday when you find yourself unable to put down a nonfiction science book. This is one of those rare cases. Absolute must reading. Zaki brilliantly brings the science he talks about to life with riveting stories. This book didn’t just change the way I think about empathy—it changed the way I think about myself.
28 people found this helpful
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Dr Ali Binazir
5.0 out of 5 stars An important book on empathy, a superpower we'd all do well to cultivateReviewed in the United States on August 2, 2019
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How does an Aryan Nation white supremacist turn into a peace activist? Does throwing Palestinian and Israeli kids in summer camp together really improve relations in a troubled region? With vivid, unforgettable stories like these, Dr Jamil Zaki of Stanford brings to life today's cutting edge research on empathy, altruism, cooperation and how it all relates to behavioral change.
The findings are often encouraging, sometimes counterintuitive, always fascinating. For example, even though humans are the kindest animal species on the planet, their sense of empathy has been decreasing over the past few decades. Well-intentioned programs like Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) either don't work or backfire. Patients of empathic physicians tend to be more satisfied with their care and fare better overall, but too much empathy results in physician burnout.
This is a new science that affects the life of everyone that deals with other humans -- from the microscale of family, friendships and romance, to the macroscale of racism, war, and peace. Empathy is a superpower, and if you'd like to know about its subtle workings, Prof Zaki's book is an excellent place to start.
-- Ali Binazir, M.D., M.Phil., Happiness Engineer and author of
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LM
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, engaging, moving, and importantReviewed in the United States on June 16, 2019
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What a fantastic book—a tapestry of science, human interest stories, and personal memoir to understand empathy as a key force in our lives and make the case that it's a skill we can grow. A few things I loved about it:
-It's engaging and the science is made clear.
-The science is interwoven with interviews and stories from former hate group members, police officers, actors, doctors, and others. Their stories are fascinating and moving in turn. One chapter in particular (about empathy in medical settings) made me tear up. I can't recall another popular science book having that effect on me.
-It’s important. So much in our society seems broken right now, and Zaki explores how and why empathy matters—across policing, political divides, school discipline, health care, and our digital lives. He considers negative trends and shows how empathy can yield better outcomes for us—whether to improve people's social lives, help doctors avoid burnout, or help police officers hold the trust of their communities.
The author is clear early on that it isn’t a self-help book, so don’t go into it expecting a 10-step program or anything like that. (Although, the book does still outline a lot of evidence on what works to build people’s empathy; it offers plenty enough that I’ve been thinking about how to incorporate it into my life.) But if you want a scientific perspective on what empathy is and how it works, how individuals and societies can build it, and why that matters for making our lives better, this book is a must-read.
18 people found this helpful
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Ian Burch
5.0 out of 5 stars Couldn't be more pertinent in today's societyReviewed in the United States on June 13, 2019
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The War for Kindness should be a required read in schools, big companies, for people in power, and simply for anyone with eyeballs (fingers crossed for the audible version soon, too). A great look at the history of research on empathy and how the thinking around it has evolved. Zaki's own research couldn't be more pertinent or fitting in today's society. An eye-opener and a much needed read that's science-based but entertaining and relatable thanks to the real world examples and pop culture references (Roddenberry hypothesis!).
12 people found this helpful
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E. N. Anderson
5.0 out of 5 stars Working toward empathyReviewed in the United States on September 27, 2019
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Other amazon reviews have well covered this book...I need only add that the various methods, workshops, and personal encounters are well validated and some are widely used, so this is a valuable how-to book for communities. The disturbing roblem is that they are all labor-intensive: "saving the world one person at a time." The depressing thought occurs that Hitler and people like him can galvanize millions of people at a time to hate and kill. We have to figure out how to get millions to do right. That said...I really wish I had had this book when I was young. I wish everybody had this book.
7 people found this helpful
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Sagar Jethani
5.0 out of 5 stars Full of surprisesReviewed in the United States on February 11, 2020
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Jamil Zaki's "The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World" is a fascinating look at a subject we think we understand. Zaki shows how empathy can change throughout a person's life, and how specific activities like mediation, reading, and deliberately engineered "nudges" can increase a person's empathy. To me, the most surprising part of his argument is that far from being a categorical evil, technology can actually increase a person's empathy if it is designed to do so. In other words, technology is what we design it to be.
Far from a recitation of the sorry state of empathy in America, "The War for Kindness" is a gripping, beautifully-written account that is full of surprises.
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Drew Fox
5.0 out of 5 stars Bringing hope for a more empathetic world -- great read!Reviewed in the United States on June 17, 2019
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In this good read, Dr. Zaki argues that we can "choose empathy" in an unjust and complex world. Zaki thoughtfully integrates scientific findings with compelling stories making this a fun and informative read. As a scientist in a related field of psychology, I was delighted to see that he provides a realistic overview of what scientists have learned about empathy. In making his argument that empathy is a skill which can be trained, nudged, and chosen, is heartwarming and true. I would recommend this book to anyone who believes that people "are the way they are" and/or who seeks to understand what scientists have to say about our capacity to increase kindness in ourselves and the world around us.
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Nick B
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for anyone wanting to make a positive difference in the worldReviewed in the United Kingdom on December 14, 2020
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Loved this booked. The stories really helped to bring the science to life. This is a much-needed topic given the state of division around the world currently. We can all develop greater empathy, even if we are not great at it to start with. Some heart-wrenching stories in there of how our biases and our obsession with being busy get in the way of helping others in their times of significant need. It certainly made me reflect on my own life and how I can slow down a little to ensure I can empathise for effectively. There is little doubt that 99%+ of us could be kinder to one another and that kindness could well help transform our communities and our own lives.
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C.J.
5.0 out of 5 stars Great sellerReviewed in the United Kingdom on July 9, 2019
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Book arrived quickly, was as described, and the experience was a pleasure. Thank you
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Nowfel Yousef
4.0 out of 5 stars AN IMPORTANT BOOKReviewed in India on August 26, 2021
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Books that connect with our life and thoughts are not readily available, or might not satisfy the bracket expectations.
Empathy is a Topic that must be discussed in daylight and its unexplored terrain are deeper than mere comprehension or imagination.
Appreciating the author for putting forward such an important and sensitive topic which albeit is alas is one 9f the most compromised pillars of humanity
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Anita Smith
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent readReviewed in Canada on December 30, 2019
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this was delivered very quickly. good service, good read
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The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
by Jamil Zaki
really liked it 4.00 · Rating details · 1,386 ratings · 171 reviews
"In this masterpiece, Jamil Zaki weaves together the very latest science with stories that will stay in your heart forever."--Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
Don't miss Jamil Zaki's TED Talk, "We're experiencing an empathy shortage, but we can fix it together," online now.
Empathy is in short supply. We struggle to understand people who aren't like us, but find it easy to hate them. Studies show that we are less caring than we were even thirty years ago. In 2006, Barack Obama said that the United States was suffering from an "empathy deficit." Since then, things seem to have only gotten worse.
It doesn't have to be this way. In this groundbreaking book, Jamil Zaki shares cutting-edge research, including experiments from his own lab, showing that empathy is not a fixed trait--something we're born with or not--but rather a skill that can be strengthened through effort. He also tells the stories of people who embody this new perspective, fighting for kindness in the most difficult of circumstances. We meet a former neo-Nazi who is now helping to extract people from hate groups, ex-prisoners discussing novels with the judge who sentenced them, Washington police officers changing their culture to decrease violence among their ranks, and NICU nurses fine-tuning their empathy so that they don't succumb to burnout.
Written with clarity and passion, The War for Kindness is an inspiring call to action. The future may depend on whether we accept the challenge.
Praise for The War for Kindness
"A wide-ranging practical guide to making the world better."--NPR
"Relating anecdotes and test cases from his fellow researchers, news events and the imaginary world of literature and entertainment, Zaki makes a vital case for 'fighting for kindness.' . . . If he's right--and after reading The War for Kindness, you'll probably think so--Zaki's work is right on time." --San Francisco Chronicle
"In this landmark book, Jamil Zaki gives us a revolutionary perspective on empathy: Empathy can be developed, and, when it is, people, relationships, organizations, and cultures are changed."--Carol Dweck, author of Mindset
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Hardcover, 272 pages
Published June 4th 2019 by Crown Publishing Group (NY)
ISBN0451499247 (ISBN13: 9780451499240)
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The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
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Jennie Naughton
May 08, 2019Jennie Naughton rated it really liked it
The War For Kindness is out in the world today, and it is a war. The subtitle: Building Empathy in a Fractured World is what got me. We all know we should be kinder, we know that as a society, we are often impatient at best and cruel at our worst- primarily online.
Zaki has provided a primer of how all of us can grow in kindness, and he doesn't just say what he thinks. The Appendix contains a proof of validity to every claim that he makes in the book. The footnotes are extensive, and inside each chapter, you'll find the narrative highly exciting and easily readable.
This isn't a boring thesis on the subject it shows example after example of how we as humans rarely hate what we know. It isn't just a book that says don't hate- study after study shows that building empathy is a key to kindness
I especially enjoyed reading about the Changing Lives program where convicted felons are introduced to classic literature like The Old Man and the Sea in a discussion setting with the judge who sentenced them and the DA. The discussions include an English professor, and upon successful completion, their sentences were shortened. No one shared personal stories, but through the study of the circumstances and actions of the characters, the convicted men soon began to draw parallels to their own lives and times. They gained empathy into fictional characters, and even that helped them as they struggled through their challenges. At the end of the first year, 45% had not re-offended. There are dozens of other examples in the book ranging from ancient times to the present. It is just excellent.
I think this book would be great for a book club, or assigned high school, college reading. It is my current go-to recommendation for a nonfiction Summer read. (less)
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Ericka Clou
Feb 10, 2021Ericka Clou rated it liked it
Shelves: 2010s, sociology, read-nonfiction, psychology, 0-borrowed-nf
For anyone who has read books on empathy or attachment for a general audience, the beginning of this book is a huge recitation of studies you have already read about repeatedly. The shame those bad-Samaritan priests must feel to be dragged for all eternity! But the second half of the book was an improvement in that it was at least new information, but unfortunately, by then, it's the end of the book so the topics were insufficiently covered.
This makes me interested to read Paul Bloom's book Against Empathy mentioned many times here. Which is ironic because I think Zaki was disagreeing with it when he brought it up so much? The fact that I'm not sure is also not a great recommendation of TWFK. But surely Against Empathy must have some new-to-me content. (less)
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Oana Filip
Apr 27, 2021Oana Filip rated it it was amazing
Shelves: favorites
I could start a book club after reading Jamil Zaki's amazing writing. This lecture deserves its fair share of debating, changing ideas, switching perspectives, and expanding acceptance.
Until I create the opportunity to engage in such a meaningful dialogue, I leave you with one powerful sentence from this book. Unfortunately, it sums up the world we live in today. The good news is that we're better than this, and we can change the way we understand and manifest empathy.
"They are enemies before they have a chance to be people." (less)
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Clark Hays
Feb 16, 2020Clark Hays rated it liked it
The future of empathy looks bleak
Author Jamil Zaki, travels an engaging but expected path in The War for Kindness, investigating empathy — a complex term he defines as sharing, thinking about and caring about the feelings of others. Zaki describes the evolutionary role of empathy (increasing collaboration, and therefore improving survival odds), the alarming lack of empathy in our current society (which begs the question: is lack of broad-based empathy simply the human condition?) and shows how it can be learned as a skill and manipulated in the lab — this last bit to underscore how, in theory, we could increase empathy to reduce strife.
Along the way, Zaki also tells some truly engaging stories that bring empathy to life such as how a former racist moved past his own hatred and a particularly gut-wrenching section set in a neonatal emergency unit. He is a talented and especially sensitive writer, but I was disappointed by the conclusion.
The final chapter, which feels light and unmoored from the rest, almost slapped on, suggests we owe it to future generations to be more empathetic now. It was a very unsatisfying conclusion. Like religion, that requires some sense of an external greater good to use as a backstop. Who determines the greater good? How can we ever know what fictional future generations will think of our actions? A corporate raider may feel perfectly justified in greedily widening the wealth gap because their sense of empathy assures them future generations will thank them for preserving capitalism, all the while stepping over homeless people. Empathy is an imperfect tool that allows humans to do horrific things to each other — it is tribal empathy that allows so many to brutalize and kill those in other tribes.
We need a framework that allows us to be empathic in the moment, not another weirdly forward-looking faith-based system that dangles the promise of a utopian future state to guide our actions.
I liked the book, and recommend it, but the author — and readers — should think long and hard about a conclusion that feels misguided and perhaps even dangerous. If empathy can be so easily dialed up or down, and can be used to justify some of our darkest actions, we should be focused on expanding the boundaries of those whose feelings we care about, not in the future.
I would have given the book another star if not for the misguided final chapter that undermined — for me — a very engaging read. (less)
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Eduardo Santiago
Dec 01, 2019Eduardo Santiago rated it really liked it
You’ve read about those studies that “prove” that empathy is malleable; in which subjects primed with pictures of puppies and butterflies behave more favorably toward fellow humans. You’ve also probably grumbled in frustration at how pathetically short-term (and useless) those studies are. Zaki too: he likens those to fast-twitch muscles, the kind useful for sprints but not marathons. Zaki is very much interested in the long run, and has devoted his research (and book) to the proposition that empathy is a muscle, that it can be trained and grown and encouraged. With permanent effects. He shows us some of the promising research on how best to do it, especially for those less likely to devote themselves to a life of meditative contemplation.
He covers a lot of ground: medical professionals, police, criminals. Empathy in education, especially younger ages, yields disproportionately positive results. (Yes, he talks about morality and about the people who prefer to punish punish punish rather than "be soft". As one might expect from a compassionate writer, he tries to win them over with facts—an approach which, I fear, is hopeless against authoritarian-centered brains). Even technology—even social media technology, which he overwhelmingly blames for the exponential growth of discord this century—has much to offer if we use it right.
I was disappointed that he didn’t talk about the role of hate-based religions; nor did he even mention any of the recent findings on morality (e.g. Haidt’s work). And I’m discouraged, admittedly preemptively, that none of the people who really need to read this book will ever read this book. Four and a half stars, rounding down because I’m feeling dejected about the world right now, but even so please grab this book (or borrow my copy). We can all benefit and learn from reading it. (less)
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Samantha
May 31, 2019Samantha rated it liked it
First, thank you to Netgalley for providing me with an advanced copy of this book.
I had recently finished reading Sally Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” so I couldn’t help but noticed the similarities between the two works. Jamil Zaki is a psychologist and the tone of this book echoes that fact strongly. While Kohn’s book was many times conversational in tone, Zaki’s book took on an academic tone from the start. He references many empirical studies on empathy (which can lead to kindness) throughout the book. While Kohn focused on combating hate within others and ourselves, Zaki focused on empathy and how we can influence it within ourselves and others and how it influences our behaviors. Zaki’s department studies empathy a lot so it’s not shocking that the book revolves around this topic. As the book progressed, Zaki divulged more personal experiences into the narrative and I felt that added a more pleasant reading experience when I can connect with the author. My favorite part of this work was in the Appendices. He went through every claim that he made in each chapter, including the introduction and epilogue, and rated the claim on the evidentiary proof or validity of the claim. Most or all of books in the social sciences have a list of references or footnotes containing where information cited is found. Zaki has this as well, but rarely do I read a book that provides this type of breakdown of his claims. I wish all books did this to be honest. I went in expecting this book to be uplifting and hopeful for the future of our society and it was in a way, but it is clear that it requires us to put more effort into making our future better. I would recommend this book to fans of Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” and other books on the topic of kindness, empathy, combating hate, changing the combative discourse of the media and society as a whole and self-improvement books.
This review is also posted on my personal blog. (less)
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C.A.
Feb 25, 2021C.A. rated it liked it
Kindness seems a rather mild panacea for the world we currently live it, but the author disagrees. Rather than a hearts and flowers argument, Zaki deals with the often imperfect reality we deal with. He goes into places where empathy is necessary, such as a neonatal ICU and shows how there are two different forms of empathy and how one can lead to burnout and the other keeps them engaged. It also goes into more fraught arenas, such as policing, and shows the problems in getting institutions to change and yet how beneficial they can be. I also like that he has a section in the back where he is honest about the studies he sites in the book (older, often replicated results versus interesting, promising but new research that needs more research). Thought provoking with suggestions, not answers. (less)
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Cara
Apr 15, 2020Cara rated it really liked it
Shelves: books-read-in-2020
Some really interesting insights in this book.
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Sagar Jethani
Feb 10, 2020Sagar Jethani rated it it was amazing
Shelves: tech, science
Jamil Zaki's "The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World" is a fascinating look at a subject we think we understand. Zaki shows how empathy can change throughout a person's life, and how specific activities like mediation, reading, and deliberately engineered "nudges" can increase a person's empathy. To me, the most surprising part of his argument is that far from being a categorical evil, technology can actually increase a person's empathy if it is designed to do so. In other words, technology is what we design it to be.
Far from a recitation of the sorry state of empathy in America, "The War for Kindness" is a gripping, beautifully-written account that is full of surprises. (less)
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Katy
Jun 22, 2019Katy rated it liked it
A good book. I would give it 3.5 stars if I could. Kind of a rough start for me with this one, but the farther I got into the book the more I liked it. I’m glad I read other reviews and knew ahead of time that this wasn’t going to be a book on how to show more empathy. It’s more of a book on studies and stories that have to do with empathy and why we need it.
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Mariam Magdy Hussein
Feb 26, 2021Mariam Magdy Hussein rated it it was amazing
Amazingly researched and written. It's truly enjoyable and educational! ...more
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Patty
Mar 18, 2021Patty rated it it was amazing
4.5 rounded up. Audiobook is a good listen.
I first heard the author on a podcast where he talked about his book. It certainly caught my attention.
There is so much to learn in this area. This book touches on why empathy is important in the first place as well as reasons why we have gotten to the place that we are.
The book discusses the change our world has gone through in a relatively short period of time. One hundred years ago, it was rare to know a lot people outside your community unless they were family. Now we can know about things that happen on the other side of the world in seconds. The less we know about someone, the harder it is for us to have empathy for their situation.
The author also discusses the research between are you born with a certain amount of empathy or is it a choice? He also talks about letting the extreme voices having too much influence on the stories we tell. This chapter really hit home for me. He talked about the WSJ online red/blue site (which is no longer updated). You could go to this site, pick a topic, and see the top stories from both the red or blue perspective side by side. It really highlights that having a narrow scope of influencers in your life, can really warp your perspective.
He talks about empathy fatigue and how people in certain high-stress occupations deal with this aspect of their job. He covers a wide range of occupations from NICU staff to police and teachers.
One part that is staying with me the most is how the more in touch you are with your vision of your future, the more you use the parts of your brain that control empathy. He interviewed and worked closely with a young man who used to belong to a white-supremacy organization in this part of the book. It was enlightening.
All in all, I feel like I have lots to ponder and explore after listening to this author and I love that. (less)
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Nicky Reed
Feb 18, 2021Nicky Reed rated it really liked it · review of another edition
There was so much I really loved about this book. First, I think the introduction was one of the best I've read in a very, very long while. Have a look!
Zaki takes a clear-eyed view of a world organising itself to destroy empathic engagement, but he retains a throbbing undercurrent of hope: despite the rather terrifying analysis of how much of our digital engagement is wilfully leading us by the nose in the wrong direction.
Drawing on diverse research in psychology, in neuroscience, Zaki engages us in the worlds of, for example, healthcare, education, hate politics, prison and digital media to find positive examples of attempts to build empathy and, with it, kindness. The examples are both engaging and arresting: the "Shoot an Iraqi" artwork is a case in point.
Zaki's clear position is that empathy and kindness can be learned and grown; he is equally clear that there is a global crisis in empathy and that we need more.
Were there elements of the book which niggled? Yes. I wasn't completely certain that the link between empathy and kindness was very clearly established - and it felt a little odd to have the definition of empathy rather hidden away in an appendix. More, whilst I finished the book feeling I knew and understood more, I felt frustrated by a sense that it didn't leave me with any real tools to go about the business of HOW we should go about changing things. I suppose it feels as though Zaki is offering more of a call to understanding than a call to action. And that is, of course, utterly legitimate - except that he himself continues to point out the necessity for radical change on this front.
I'm being churlish: this is a critical issue and Zaki presents his thoughts and findings with a clear, engaging touch: he wields his very clear academic credentials well yet very lightly. An important read. (less)
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Emma-Kate Schaake
Sep 24, 2019Emma-Kate Schaake rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction, the-perks-of-being-an-english-teach, mental-health, 2019, best-nonfiction
“Ignoring outsiders’ emotions makes it easier to oppress them.”
“Fiction is empathy’s gateway drug. It helps us feel for others when real-world caring is too difficult, complicated, or painful.”
“Many of the students had been called “bad guys” for most of their life, and had scarcely been given a chance to be anything else. Fiction revealed that underneath every crime is a person: flawed but still deserving dignity.”
“Few are at greater risk of overdosing on empathy than “caring professionals”: physicians, social workers, therapists, teachers, and others who work with people in need...They are humanity’s first responders, called to their work by a deep concern for others. To run from pain would betray their core values. But in empathy’s trenches, those values can quickly turn into occupational hazards.”
“In our polarized era, norms weigh even more heavily against care...Pundits council that the other side is an existential threat. Compromising with —or even listening to— outsiders is a form of treason.”
“Sometimes compromise is best served not by building empathy for outsiders, but by reducing empathy for insiders...(police) may need to treat their colleagues with more skepticism, acknowledging wrong doing even when it involves people they admire.”
“Adolescents confronts to each other more than any other age group, and if other students don’t care—or worse, think kindness is for dorks—working on it becomes suicidal.”
“When we fail to understand each other, it’s often because we falsely assume our own knowledge or priorities will map onto someone else’s.”
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Jennifer Abdo
Jan 22, 2022Jennifer Abdo rated it it was amazing
This is a pretty good collection of studies and thoughts on empathy. It makes some surprising points - or at least contrary to the prevailing narrative - that conformity and technology/social media aren't inherently bad or cruel, they're just tools. You can even use them to cultivate empathy.
I appreciated the nuance in the contact theory of the way the power dynamic affects benefit or lack thereof in the interaction we might assume to be equally beneficial.
The policing example was difficult, though there was acknowledgment that police still prefer their own in group. I don't know for sure, not having much experience, but I feel the the autism example might be problematic. And another glaring issue was describing the Palestinian and Israeli contact approach as something like sports fans connecting rather than occupied/occupier in an apartheid power dynamic.
But overall, it was good to think of what empathy is and how studies have measured it, how can we increase it. There was even a discussion of decreasing your in group empathy as opposed to only increasing your own capacity for it.
Capitalism prioritizes greed, but:
"...People who stop to help others won't have the time to innovate, and will inevitably finish last. As we've seen, this is a myth--empathic individuals are more likely to succeed in a number of ways."
More hopefully:
"We are not merely individuals fighting to empathize in a world of cruelty. We are also communities, families,... that can build kindness into our culture, turning it into people's first option." (less)
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Daniel Te
Sep 02, 2020Daniel Te rated it really liked it
I think kindness is really important to value in our current society, and we have the potential to be a lot kinder. One of the key problems I find with the whole concept, is that if you were to ask someone, "do you care about being kind to other people?", how many people would actually say, "No, I don't?" Zaki cites that studies with the classic empathic concern questions show that more people are saying "no" now, which is concerning (i.e. there are probably even more people that feel pressured to say "yes" but aren't actually kind). I think there is also a huge difference between believing that one is kind and actually being kind, partially due to this, "bias," as I would call it.
I think this book really excels in the first couple of chapters, laying out the premise for why kindness is important. The rest of the book goes into more case studies of how it can be applied in different fields (healthcare, policing, etc.). I think the hardest sell about kindness, is how do we get people to stay past their "set point" of default kindness? If we truly are to create a kind society, we really have to consider how to change norms and such. And, we also have to consider how we brand kindness, because at face value, it's something that everyone can appreciate but not everyone will go out of their way to practice. This book offers some suggestions for moving forward in this way, but I still leave myself thinking about what to do about it. (less)
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Linda Richardson
May 25, 2019Linda Richardson rated it it was amazing
Shelves: penguin-random-house-first-to-read
My 5 star Review of The War for Kindness by Jamil Zaki @zakijam @CrownPublishing #TheWarForKindness
While this book is mainly a textbook, filled with references to empathetic situations and individuals, I found it a fascinating 5 star read. It offers a compelling argument that for our society to heal & grow we must learn to empathize with fellow humans, increase our compassion and spend more of our time socializing face-to-face. As I hoped, it suggests radically decreasing the hours we spend on social media, since those interactions appear to parallel with an increased depression and feelings of isolation. Highly recommended reading in today’s world of senseless random acts of violence, ever increasing rates of teenage death by suicide and cyberbullying.
I decided to post my thoughts and chose leave a review after reading the advance e-copy of this book I received, courtesy of the Publisher via Penguin Random House’s First to Read program. Thank you Crown for sending this book to me and giving me an opportunity to read it before the publication date.
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Bianca A.
Apr 27, 2020Bianca A. rated it liked it
Shelves: speed-read, 2020
This book has been chosen for my speed reading/essential reading project due to it being what I consider to be a 'light read'. Concise, basic vocabulary, no heavy terminology. It delivers that which it promises through its title - pros and cons, plus examples and some solutions in regards to empathy. I feel like for somebody like me, reading books by or about Gandhi, Dalai Lama, or even Mandela might be a more worthwhile investment since those authors have lived through sweat and blood the things they dare to preach. However, I still think this book can be useful for the average person in their day to day affairs that are especially dealing with burnout and are seeking motivation to stay empathetic; as well as for readers that are looking for something less intimidating, more mild... instead of seemingly overcomplicated manners to approach this topic. The methods suggested are also pretty simple, but I think some of them can be highly effective depending on the reader's circumstances. Not a terrible or completely wasteful read. (less)
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