Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and the coauthor of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She has an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University.
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Raves and Reviews
“This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an absolutely necessary guide for all couples who want to understand the ups and downs in their own sex life. It is a must read!”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
“Emily Nagoski has written one of the most important books about sex any woman (or anybody else) could ever pick up, full of insights that are both fascinating and deeply useful. Synthesizing new research and theory about sexuality with old-school sex-positive information of the sort you didn’t learn in sex ed (unless, perhaps, you are a Unitarian, or Scandinavian, or lucky enough to be in Dr. Nagoski’s class), I guarantee Come As You Are will open minds and change lives.”
— Carol Queen, Ph.D., Founding director, Center for Sex & Culture
“Emily Nagoski is worth her weight in TED Talks, and Come as You Are is a master-class in the science of sex.”
— Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of She Comes First
“It’s the science of sex, decoded and demystified. Want to be educated on the latest findings about female genitalia? Of course you do. Empowering and sex-positive at best, this informative read makes for an enticing bedfellow.”
—Refinery29
“Lots of books — and articles and experts — claim to have the keys to transform your sex life. This one actually has it. It isn’t as fast as taking a pill, but it will last a whole lot longer. You will find no hot new bedroom moves — it’s that deeper-level soul stuff. You know, the stuff that actually works.”
—Salon.com
“Wonderful new language to help us articulate to women (and their lovers) what is going on.”
—Huffington Post
“Like a punch to the gut. When I read the passage that made me realize—after all these years—that I was not actually broken, I began to cry. . . . I wished [Nagoski] was someone who was actively in my life, someone I could reach out to for grounding every time I momentarily forgot the lessons in her book.”
—Book Riot
“Nagoski’s book deserves plaudits for the rare achievement of merging pop science and the sexual self-help genre in prose that’s not insufferably twee. . . . [Come As You Are] offers up hard facts on the science of arousal and desire in a friendly and accessible way.”
—The Guardian (UK)
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From the United States
John R.
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for all!
Reviewed in the United States on February 12, 2026
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Boy, this book should be read by every man and woman. Is gives you a very interesting perspective. You are good as you are. You can learn a lot of things. There are a lot of things that can be done to make everything a lot better for yourself and you can teach others as well
8 people found this helpful
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Keith Kendall
5.0 out of 5 stars You are normal
Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2025
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This book is very good. It is clear why Amazon rates it #1 in several of their (fine grained) categories.
It is packed with truth to counteract the lies about sexuality rampant in our society.
It is filled with approaches to improve one’s life.
In the conclusion is this paragraph:
“If you can remember even one of the ideas in this book—no two alike, brakes and accelerator, context, nonconcordant arousal, responsive desire, any of them—and use it to improve your relationship with your own sexuality, you’ll be helping me with that goal. And if you share any of these ideas with even one other person, you’ll be expanding the global space in which women can live with confidence and joy.”
It also continually reminds us: “You are Normal.”
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Gwen
5.0 out of 5 stars I recommend this book to all women
Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2026
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I couldn't put it down, I read it in one day. If you're a survivor of SA or have religious trauma, or if you're even just curious if you're missing something, I recommend it highly. She writes in an informal tone, and makes a heavy subject feel a lot lighter. I think all women should read it, and if you're a man at least read chapter 6 bc it'll help dissolve any guilt towards things you can't control.
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Amy
4.0 out of 5 stars READ THIS BOOK 18+ WILL CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Reviewed in the United States on December 27, 2025
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I love this book. It teaches you a lot of things as an individual or a partner and contradicts modern science in a way that makes complete sense. This book will educate you in ways of confidence, pleasure, and understanding the deep root behind a lot of pyschological things about your body and mind. The only thing i did not like within thebook itself is that the author will write about a specific topic and the tell you all throughout thebook that they will speak about it later. I wish they would just speak the whole thing then and there instead of redirecting you to different chapters. Other than that, excellent book.
12 people found this helpful
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Ben Cook
5.0 out of 5 stars Every Man’s Must Read
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2025
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While the book is written by a woman for women, it is so much more than that. While the book is helping women understand their sexuality, it is so much more than that. It is a book written for men to better understand their female partner. It is a book to help individuals comprehend and feel what is blocking them from pleasure. It is a book that is, in my opinion, as a licensed therapist (who is male), one of the best books about sexuality to date. My only complaint is that the author has not written a book regarding male sexuality, ED, trauma, and blocks men have for emotional intimacy within and outside of his sexuality.
42 people found this helpful
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JadeFlamingo
5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman needs to read or hear this book
Reviewed in the United States on June 13, 2026
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How often have I felt something was wrong with me? I've shamed myself into thinking I am the problem for being too sexual, too uninterested in sex, or just that being a woman meant I accept certain things about my body and my sexuality.
This book rewrites that narrative. I'm not broken and normalizing what historically people who based limited information on moral, medical, and media aspects of what a woman's body is and what to expect from it as the "norm". The author gives new perspective on being a woman with sexuality and having sex or not having sex. We all have the same parts but they will respond differently.
Highly encourage men to read this too who have women in their lives and want to support them in having agency over their bodies and sex life.
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Oh
5.0 out of 5 stars Life-changing. If you're here, it means you need this book.
Reviewed in the United States on May 10, 2026
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Life-changing. If you're here, it means you need this book.
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Aaron Hollingsworth
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book! well written
Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2025
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Really enjoyed the book. As a guy reading it I felt like it was insightful and I took some good lessons from it.
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Kayla
4.0 out of 5 stars mixture of serious and laughter
Reviewed in the United States on April 15, 2026
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Come As You Are was such a refreshing and surprisingly enjoyable read. While it’s incredibly educational, it never once felt like sitting through an awkward high school sex ed class. Instead, Emily Nagoski presents the information in a way that is engaging, relatable, and—at times—genuinely laugh-out-loud funny.
The book primarily focuses on women’s experiences, diving into the science and psychology behind sexuality, but it also thoughtfully includes the role of partners and relationships. That balance makes it feel both informative and practical, rather than one-sided.
What really stood out to me was how much I learned—there were so many moments where I found myself thinking, “Why did no one ever teach me this before?” It breaks down complex topics in a way that feels empowering rather than overwhelming.
Overall, this is absolutely a must-read. Whether you’re picking it up for the knowledge, personal growth, or even just the humor, you’ll walk away with a new perspective—and probably a few laughs along the way.
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David H.
4.0 out of 5 stars Overall a great book, but does have a little misinformation
Reviewed in the United States on February 8, 2024
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I ended up writing to the author of this book to hopefully get a response before writing a review here so I could comment appropriately. Apparently, she must be too busy (or unwilling) to reply to her readers, so I'm going to post the email I sent her so that anyone buying this book can have this in mind while reading it. Before doing so though, I would stress that the book is a good book on its topic. The author has fallen victim to some modern non-sense that she mentions a few times in the book. You be the judge though! Here's the email I sent:
Good afternoon! First let me say that I read your "Come as you are book" and I would highly recommend this to any reader, male or female. It is really well researched and written.
I am a man and read a fairly large amount of books, a lot dealing with sexual themes. I have also observed after these last several years that the media, educators, and others (whom you point out in your book) have been working on pointing the figure at men (patriarchy) as a scapegoat for many things nowadays. This is absolutely untrue in modern times.
Looking in your book on page 201, you state:
"So what gives? Why does it feel so new, when every other year a book comes out that talk about it?
When I asked this question in my class, a student raised her hand and said with comic sourness: 'Patriarchy.'
Totally.
For centuries, men's sexuality has been the 'default' sexuality, so that where women differ from men, women get labeled 'broken'."
Ironically, if you skip to page 213, you actually nail who is currently actually responsible for all this mis-, and disinformation:
"Tell them calmly, joyfully, and confidently. No need to be defensive or aggressive - it's not their fault they don't know about nonconcordance. Actually, it's more my fault and the fault of all the other sex educators and researchers. We have failed to communicate this idea clearly to the world, and now you're stuck with the job of fixing our mistake. Sorry about that."
You also nail "patriarchy" again on 259. Again, this reference is as false as the one listed above. If this was not modern times, then I may agree with you that men would be responsible for disseminating false or misleading information since that was the patriarchy and women weren't allowed in these types of roles. However, as long as women have been able to write books, teach in schools, be journalists, etc, you can no longer point the finger at men for the wrong information getting out to our youth (both boys and girls) and thus getting propagated in a way that hurts women. Women are AT LEAST equal to this problem since they too are spreading the same information - per your own words (and anyone who can clearly think).
At this point, and although I still say it is a good book, your "Come as you are" is also passing misinformation along to its readers by pointing the finger at 50% of the population that is, at best, only 50% responsible! I would argue less than that because that would mean 100% of the male population would have to agree with your assessment that men "want it this way" because it "makes them superior" in some way or some other rationale. I would counter that most men actually love women and want to do what's best and most pleasurable for them. Do some men fit the profile your presenting? Yup! Do some women also fit that against men? Yup! You can't point the finger at one without it pointing back at you.
I hate to call for an update to your book to address this issue, but you really should consider it so that you aren't another source of more false information being propagate to others that I and other men will have to "clean up" - as you apologized for in your quote above. There are other places in it too (e.g. 312), so a thorough review might be in order...
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Troy M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Wife turned a 180 after reading this book
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2025
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My wife has dealt with some trauma from when she was young and had some different/odd views on sex. She was never an instigator and was always worried about her body or performance which after years I could always tell when she was not always there. I never could get her to just let go. I bough a book for me to read and after doing some research I bought this book for her to read. When I talked to her about it she was reluctant to read it so I sat down and read some things that I felt would help her and then brought up what I'd read in the book one night. It peaked her interest so I left the book lying on the coffee table. A few days later I noticed it missing. A few days after that, which was about 2 months ago our sex life which was already good went out of site. We're both 46. She has spent more money in 2 months than the last 20 yrs on toys, furniture, outfits, lingerie, converted a spare bedroom into a play room and initiates about half the time. Everything about our relationship has improved. I haven't read it but I dam sure recommend it.
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MamaBear25
3.0 out of 5 stars Honestly Pretty Boring
Reviewed in the United States on March 19, 2026
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Hard to engage with. Very wordy and such a casual writing style to the point of being watered down in order to appeal to the everyday person. Not a lot of helpful info for someone with a thirst for real knowledge. The main point of the book seemed to be “you are normal”— that’s great, but people who picked up this book are hoping for a lot more than that. Also beware that the book is very politically correct and the author goes out of her way to make clear her views on politics and gender ideology.
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Maddie
4.0 out of 5 stars It was alright
Reviewed in the United States on August 12, 2023
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As a sex educator, I wasn't as impressed with this book as so many are. I think it's a great book for the typical person wanting to learn a bit more about themselves and sexuality. It's especially helpful for those that carry a lot of shame around sex and any desires or fantasies they may have that they think are wrong or not normal.
Personally though, my issue lies within the writing itself. There was wayyyyy too much fluff and unnecessary analogies. It brings to mind Einsteins quote "if you can't explain it to a 6 year old, you don't understand it yourself". As such, the writing led me to seriously question the authors intellect because her conceptualization was so all over the place.
But again, I do think if you've never read an educational sex book, this will probably be a book of great value and a solid starting point given that most of the other books are more specific like: "she comes first" which focuses on the art of giving a woman oral pleasure, "sex at dawn" (historical reference about non monogamy), or others that focus on simply how to communicate with your partner about sex. Whereas, this book is more all-encompassing and therefore a good place to dip a toe in
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Great resource.
Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2026
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Well written. Comprehensive.
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cdeuce
5.0 out of 5 stars Not just for women
Reviewed in the United States on June 11, 2024
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It saddens me that this book is mainly targeted to women. The way it is written it could have easily been a book for all genders. As a cis-male, I have gotten so much out of reading this, and I'm only half way through it so far. I would normally wait until I was finished with the book before writing a review, but I felt the content was incredibly helpful and valuable enough to post this now. I highly recommend that anyone and everyone read it.
The only qualm I have with it is when Dr. Emily mentions ignoring thoughts. For example, at the top of page 180 she says, "Practice ignoring the self-critical". I wholly disagree with this. I would rather have heard her advise to NOT ignore it, and try to weave your way to the source of these thoughts and directly deal with that. From my own personal experience this has been the only way for me to truly absolve myself of them. Otherwise, ignoring just keeps them in the background, looking for a way back to the forefront. But, that's me.
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MamaBear
4.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful book, but Holy Metaphors Batman
Reviewed in the United States on March 17, 2021
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I bought the Kindle version of this book, read it, loved it, and then bought the paperback to give to my husband, and to save for my daughter when she's older. The key messages of this book should be required elements of sex education for anyone who has a vulva or wants a relationship with one.
However - I am disappointed by the lack of details regarding how female sex hormones work. Maybe that's too sciencey for this book or not in the author's wheelhouse, or perhaps there is a lack of data on this? I'd like to know how sex hormones work in relation to the menstrual cycle (follicular, luteal phase and so on) and if there are any pearls of wisdom we can glean from this when it comes to our sex lives. Surely there is something to be learned from how we are wired to ovulate (and more likely to be up for sex at that time) and the various sequelae (how does PMS come into play, and what can we do about it, etc). The author seems somewhat dismissive of hormones and their impact on sexual desire, which may be true, but I feel like there is more to the story here...
Also, and this is nitpicky, but there are SO MANY METAPHORS it is hard to keep track of, and recall them all. I get the utility of the metaphors/comparisons to help illustrate an idea, but I felt like I was doing a lot of mental gymnastics to remember things because of the astounding number of metaphors. (And when I asked husband how he like the book so far, this was also his first comment).
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Monica
5.0 out of 5 stars Ladies, Read This Book!!
Reviewed in the United States on January 10, 2023
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When I got married, I was naïve and unprepared for intimacy in marriage. My husband and I tried to learn about it by reading a couple of books, but it didn’t really help…
Fast forward 24 years. Almost 25. I find out about the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I read it. Wow. Oh wow. It’s embarrassing to say how much I learned from this book. You’d think after almost a quarter of a century of married life I’d have figured things out. Apparently not. Things make sense now! For years I thought I was broken. Guess what? I’m not! Now I find out that years of shame, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, and confusion didn’t need to be. I didn’t know!
Ladies, read this book. Even if you think you have things figured out, read the book! I promise you will learn something! It’s so well written! She has diagrams and pictures along with lots of examples and case studies. Emily Nagoski is a treasure trove of knowledge and research and common sense. Reading Come As You Are has changed me for the better! This book came out in 2015, but I wish I could have read it in 1998!!
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed my whole outlook
Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2023
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I was recommended this book by my pelvic therapist after suffering years of pelvic floor dysfunction and with that sexual frustrations. This book really allowed me to realize how to understand sexual functioning and desire on a level I never was able to do before. I allowed me the proper wording to explain the things I felt or didn't feel. This book has changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. As a SA survivor this has allowed me to also shed some judgement and allowed a lot of undemanding of who I am and what my body is to me. I've already been buying my friends this book to help them discover the underlining truths of being a human being when it comes to sexuality. I can't thank the author or my pelvic therapist enough for this amazing opportunity for changing perspectives and moving forward in life with a better grounding and understanding of my own inner workings of my body, mind and soul.
52 people found this helpful
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Goth Gone Grey
2.0 out of 5 stars Not surprising. Not transformative.
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2023
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I read more psychology books than average, with a special focus on trauma. This seemed a good one to add to the arsenal, especially with the overwhelming rave reviews.
To be fair, I also read a decent amount of smut because life is about balance. ;)
The author's style is an odd mix of hip conversation and clinical facts that didn't quite jibe for me, culminating in a discussion about pirates and the Industrial Revolution at 45%, where I gave up and DNF'ed.
Other unwieldy comparisons that I found myself cringing at included restaurants, lions, and quoting 50 Shades as a romance book. To be fair, it wasn't quoted as a good romance book, so some relief there.
Oh, and in case you weren't aware, American patriarchal culture is why you hate yourself and aren't interested in getting it on. Don't believe me? From the book:
"I like to visualize the lion of body self-criticism as a sweet little kitten that’s been treated badly and needs me to give it affection and tenderness. That’s what helps me to forgive my culture for teaching me such b***s***. A woman I know prefers to imagine it as an enemy, and she visualizes herself beating the c*** out of it. She finds her way to forgiveness of her culture (and of herself, for having believed her culture) through a sense of conquering the enemy. Whatever works!"
The profanity was not my main objection to the above, though it's edited for Amazon standards.
There is a brief section on sexual trauma that's disappointing. It references an attacking lion as an example of stress responses: flight, fight, and freeze.
And fawn? Or, in that situation, fu... You know the rest. Pete Walker's work on this is brilliant, and I'm saddened that 50 Shades is mentioned in the book and his work is not. Fawn also explains the sexual non concordance during trauma, which is instead compared to a restaurant.
There is a solid, basic understanding of anatomy with illustrations, and multiple homework assignments to find and appreciate your genitals.
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Coconut cotton
5.0 out of 5 stars Don’t wait. You deserve the truth
Reviewed in the United States on July 7, 2024
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I have a hard time focusing on books but I’m forcing myself to read this book because it’s so important. There are so many misconceptions out there and here is a doctor who will explain why YOU ARE NOT SICK if your body isn’t doing what you expect it to do. It’s so full of information I get overwhelmed but girls it is so important for us to understand our bodies!!!!!!
Here we now have a text that is being used in medical schools and when I had put it down at one point …my gyn recommended it to me so I picked it back up and I’m so glad!
***It sucks to feel broken, to think your hormones are off, that you’re aging etc. Girls, don’t need drugs; you need this book. Ps the libido drugs don’t work anyway…clinical trials say so.
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Michael Frank
5.0 out of 5 stars Truely important for young females who want to be empowered
Reviewed in the United States on April 30, 2025
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Got it for an 18yo looking to learn the ins and outs of sex in it’s entirety beyond just how-to. This was something she reported “she needed” after reluctantly opening; and is now reading and learning important things that will empower her moving forward; give her control, and to know herself best before letting someone explore on their own. Powerful, wonderful. I’ll get it for any young adult transitioning to adulthood. It’s a mission of mine to empower young woman and make it normal to have important conversations that have historically been taboo.
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Tyler
2.0 out of 5 stars A Male Perspective (For What It’s Worth)
Reviewed in the United States on July 10, 2025
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As a hetrosexual man doing a deep dive into books about women and sexuality...my recent reads include Girl on Girl by Sophie Gilbert, Audition by Katie Kitamura, Three Women by Lisa Taddeo, and The Mother Code by Ruthie Ackerman, I came to this hoping for a meaningful look at women’s relationships with their bodies. Instead, I found a padded, meandering book full of metaphors so clunky they border on parody (gardens, lab rats, the accelerator/brake analogy...oy vey). How can I take the author seriously when she infantilizes women with cutesy slang like "feels"? It’s as if she’s explaining female sexuality with emojis - more importantly, doesn’t speaking to women this way just reinforce the very cultural condescension she claims to critique?
If you’re just beginning your journey of understanding female anatomy and sexuality...as in just discovering your own vulva, this might feel revelatory. But for anyone seeking deeper insights, this felt more like a 50-page pamphlet for high school students stretched into 350 pages of fluff. It over-promises, under-delivers, and clearly needed a more discerning editor.
I made it about three-quarters of the way through before admitting defeat. Informative? Barely. Cringe-inducing? Beyond. For anyone looking for real substance, I’d suggest looking elsewhere. Or just get the CliffNotes from a friend. It'll be a three-minute conversation, tops.
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Anne
3.0 out of 5 stars Don't leave in a public place.
Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2025
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I haven't read it in full. I left in my car after a trip for a few weeks, couldn't figure out why service guys at oil change shop and car wash were extra flirty. Guess this explains it. Cute cover. IN all seriousness, I'll read it. Eventually.
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Angela Knight
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book full of insight and hope
Reviewed in the United States on September 6, 2023
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This book helped me look on my experiences and relationship, as well as my own body, with new insight. There’s a lot of hostility and manipulation aimed at women designed to make us see ourselves as less than we are. Sometimes this is to sell us something, sometimes this is so someone can more easily victimize us.
Instead, Emily Nagoski suggests that we realize how the messaging can keep us from being ourselves and enjoying ourselves with the men in our lives.
She says that being kind to yourself and letting yourself feel what you feel can let you find sexual joy. Self-criticism and seeing ourselves as broken is a self-fulfilling prophesy. By treating yourself the way you’d treat a loved one who’s hurting, you can relax into pleasure.
This is a terrific book and I plan to recommend it to every woman I know, along with the men who love them.
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Jen
3.0 out of 5 stars Overall pretty good, with some distracting style choices
Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2025
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It starts out well, but the slang and metaphors and storytelling become more off-putting as the book goes on. Unfortunately, these detract from what would otherwise be an engaging read. For instance, the chapter on sexual trauma comes off as shockingly insensitive and inappropriate when phrases like “feel your Feels” are used. The second half of the book was tough to get through, and I found myself skimming and skipping chunks. (Also, why the incessant references to other chapters?) It is an interesting subject to explore, and work that would be beneficial for everyone in our society. I was excited to dive in after listening to podcast interviews with the author. The book is written exactly how she talks though, which I’m not a fan of in book form. Obviously the book appeals to many, many people, but it just didn’t do it for me.
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lpmegs
4.0 out of 5 stars such great insight
Reviewed in the United States on June 9, 2023
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this book was recommended to me by a sexual survivor group i'm in. i really am enjoying this book. in general, it's been hard for me to sit down long enough to read a book. i used to read all the time. this book, i have to force myself to put it down so i can really absorb what i'm reading. i take lots of notes as i'm going through it. then, i sit down and talk to my husband about what i read and learned and ways to possibly help our relationship. would recommend to anyone who wants to change their relationship with sex. i have also had a hard time with libido. reading and learning from this book has helped me find out things that work for me and realize reasons i might not be to keen of having sex. i reallly love the more scientific perception.
22 people found this helpful
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Katie V
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for sexual people
Reviewed in the United States on May 24, 2025
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Anyone who has a vulva or wants to sleep with someone who does needs to read this book. Nagoski demystifies how the female body works and helps you understand what turns you on or off, and how to improve overall personal and partner sexual satisfaction. I recommend this to female and straight male clients all the time.
15 people found this helpful
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Allison
4.0 out of 5 stars Some great info
Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2021
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I'm sure I'll be in the minority here, but it might help someone.
First, helpful on how to focus, relax, allow yourself just to experience pleasure; just be ok with how you're made; not be so goal-focused as to miss the present experience.
At the same time, along with most authors today, she blames a lot (most?) of female sexual dysfunction on "cultural brainwashing," by which I think she means (in addition to admittedly destructive "rom-com" culture) "oppressive cis-gendered western" culture. But that Western culture has also allotted women far more value than many other historic, or geographic, cultures. Was I traded in marriage against my will for so many sheep? Was I forced to undergo painful mutilation of my body when I was a child? Do I have to bring my husband with me to go grocery shopping or to the DMV? No. That's also because of the culture we are part of. It seems unhelpful, not to mention inaccurate, to blame so much of women's sexual issues on that culture, at least with no mention at all of what is positive in it.
This author is by no means alone today in her viewpoint, but since hers is the book I've just read, I thought it worth mentioning. Take the meat, spit out the bones.
113 people found this helpful
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L-K
4.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2023
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The science and studies help put words to so many things I have experienced. In particular, learning about nonconcordance and the dual control system gave me a much greater understanding of myself.
Very minor nitpicks: the author's insistence that "everyone is normal" kind of goes against the definition of the word (as in common, typical, expected). Why does everyone have to be? It's okay to be an outlier - normalcy doesn't have any morality associated with it. Neither does abnormality.
The author also insists that "everyone is beautiful" - which somewhat misses the point that body positivity feels unrealistic or unattainable to many people. If this is the case for you, I'd recommend checking out other books about "body neutrality" - I recommend the one by Eleanor Clark.
15 people found this helpful
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M Henk
5.0 out of 5 stars Important read!
Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2024
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Come As You Are is an important must read for anyone with a vagina, or anyone who wants to have a better understanding of their partner.
Before purchasing this book, I had read so many reviews about it changing their perspective on things (I was a little skeptical). It is 10000% true! I have learned so many things (that I should have learned in school) and even got my friends to read it as well.
Emily does an amazing job of keeping the reader engaged and gently addressing tough aspects of a woman's sexuality (such as trauma from SA). She creates a safe and encouraging learning environment. Please do yourself a favor and read this book!
22 people found this helpful
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Rahrah
5.0 out of 5 stars Wish more people knew this info
Reviewed in the United States on August 6, 2025
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Very interesting information. I have bachelor's of science in psychology and what I've read so far lines up with what I learned. I wish more people knew the information in here.
4 people found this helpful
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LindseyL
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Information But Too Long
Reviewed in the United States on August 16, 2024
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I learned a lot from this book, but I really struggled to keep reading it. It was too long and in my opinion repetitive, making it a little boring. If it could be condensed into about half as many pages, it would get 5 stars from me. I would still recommend it to anyone struggling with sex, self identity, relationship guilt, or just curiosity. It truly is full of great information, it's juuuust...too thorough for me, I guess.
10 people found this helpful
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Terri Housley
5.0 out of 5 stars Superb Read
Reviewed in the United States on July 20, 2025
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Packed with valuable information and humor. This book will enlighten, enliven, and move you towards a much healthier and much more joyous experience of your own sexuality. Thank you, Emily, for writing this book!
7 people found this helpful
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Jacob
5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read for anyone who is looking for a healthy intimate relationship with a woman.
Reviewed in the United States on July 27, 2025
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Refreshingly Science Based!! Soooo good!!
Educational and fun to read. I found many of the anecdotes extraordinarily helpful and eye opening. Anyone discussing intimate relationships with women must read this book.
12 people found this helpful
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Diana
5.0 out of 5 stars Should be required reading for life
Reviewed in the United States on March 7, 2021
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This book is life changing. Essential for anyone who has a vagina or who comes into contact with vaginas. Pretty sure that’s like 80 of the worlds population right there lol. This should be required reading for everyone.
Unlike most books about sexual wellness, this isn’t going to cover the basics and make you yawn (like Vagina Bible, that was a snooze). This book is the ultimate practical trouble shooting guide for your love life if you’re single or partnered. That doesn’t mean its full of quick fixes- it’s not. Healing isn’t quick or easy but it’s so much better when you have someone like Emily to light the path ahead for you and put everything into perspective.
This book will make you go "Really?! I never knew that!" and you'll be so glad you learned. I made so many notes and highlights in the book on my Kindle app. I feel like all the puzzle pieces of my sex life were finally falling into place.
I’d also recommend her other book Burnout which she wrote with her sister for understanding more about completing the stress cycle.
84 people found this helpful
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RAC
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent perspective
Reviewed in the United States on June 6, 2024
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The one concept which the author, Emily, talks about is the idea of a map and terrain. The map is the perception or attempted rendering of the terrain, which is what is. We have been using the wrong maps, or slightly incorrect maps, and are determined to continue to use the maps even though the terrain is telling us differently. Let go of your maps and what you think should be happening, and see things for what they are - individual, beautiful, normal and just awesome!
6 people found this helpful
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Nicholas R. Bennett
5.0 out of 5 stars Life-changing knowledge about arousal
Reviewed in the United States on May 26, 2025
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I love this book, it helped me understand the accelerator/brake arousal model which has helped me understand myself and my partner so much better. I recommend this to all of my friends.
4 people found this helpful
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Daniel
4.0 out of 5 stars Almost required reading for women.
Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2024
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This book is greatly informative.
I would say that this is a must read for women.
I don't particularly recommend this book to men. It is very clearly written for women by a women, and more power to them. This book guides you to transform and improve your sex life. The only thing is, it's mostly ways to improve them if you're a woman.
Again, great book. I say a must read for women.
8 people found this helpful
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Jennifer C McLean
5.0 out of 5 stars You are awesome ! science says so !
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2022
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Every woman should read this book ! I didn’t expect it to be so emotional but it was. I think we underestimate how much damage our patriarchal society does to women . And how that can and does impact our desires and what we think is normal. It is worth reading this book of only to have science tell you that you are normal and beautiful just as you are. Yes! Right now! As you are. Right. Now.
And If you believe that this book is for you it will give you the science to validate your beliefs. If you don’t believe that you are perfect right now you need to run and get this book. The science will change your mind and you’ll need to give yourself space to feel the Feels and to heal.
38 people found this helpful
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Jessica
5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman should read this
Reviewed in the United States on July 7, 2025
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This book is absolutely mind-blowing. It will change the way that you think about and understand sex.
2 people found this helpful
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Stephanie Thoma, Author
4.0 out of 5 stars feel good informative read
Reviewed in the United States on November 15, 2023
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Nagoski writes in a conversational way that explains why we show up the way we do, or don’t, sexually. Ideal for someone who wants to better understand sex with a woman, or a woman who wants to better understand herself. Some facts you likely learned in school or advanced sex ed in college, but what sets this a part is the added intention of self acceptance as a vehicle for getting and experiencing what you want.
10 people found this helpful
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Deanna Stampfly
5.0 out of 5 stars EVERY Woman Needs to Read This Book!!! 🤯
Reviewed in the United States on September 8, 2023
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This book was recommended to me by my therapist when we were discussing the complexity of the female mind and how it affects sexual relationships. When I say it is a LIFE CHANGING text, please believe that and read it for yourself! Emily Nagoski eloquently lays out the scientific evidence and emotional validation regarding women’s sexual experiences in such a a way that each chapter adds a new level of complexity and depth to your understanding of sex, relationships, and even your own body. If I had to pick one book for every woman on Earth to read, it would be this one, hands down.
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34 people found this helpful
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Camille
5.0 out of 5 stars Very good book
Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2025
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Puts all the things you need to know or want to know or would be worried about plainly and simply.
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Kaity Kat
5.0 out of 5 stars Would recommend to anyone!
Reviewed in the United States on July 18, 2024
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I have learned so much while reading this book! It’s been so helpful in understanding myself and sexuality in generally and really drives home that the stuff we’re taught to be ashamed of is normal. Science that is written in a totally accessible way broken up with examples, stories from other women and funny moments. This is a great book for people of any gender!
23 people found this helpful
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Sarah T.
5.0 out of 5 stars A great resource
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2025
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I am a pelvic floor therapist, and this is a common recommendation to many patients-it’s a great resource!
4 people found this helpful
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Ed Clark
5.0 out of 5 stars Come as you are
Reviewed in the United States on May 29, 2025
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Great insights as to what women go through regarding their sexuality. I learned a lot.
2 people found this helpful
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Psych Nerd 🤓
5.0 out of 5 stars A must Read on Sexual acceptance!
Reviewed in the United States on April 21, 2025
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Simplified sexual health. Loved every minute of this book. Learned so much to help not only myself but the clients I work with! ❤️
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Layna
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changer!!
Reviewed in the United States on February 9, 2024
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This book has changed my entire marriage!! We would be constantly bickering and at each other's throats, and then I read on until I reached nearly 80 pages-ish (past the worksheets), and my eyes were opened.
I have realized things about myself and my partner I never knew existed. It's so simple! It makes you feel stupid that you never thought of her advice before...
Highly recommend 100x over. It will change your life and marriage.
36 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars 10/10
Reviewed in the United States on October 11, 2024
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You are normal. You are normal!!!! Societal norms play a HUGE part in what shapes who we become. I was extremely moved to tears every page I turned. So validating, non judgmental, inclusive, and an overall great book!
Read this book!!! I bought the couples version and am excited to dive in!
11 people found this helpful
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Shana Pennington-Baird
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the best books I’ve ever read
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2025
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This book should be mandatory reading for all women. No matter if you are happy with your sex life —distressed with your sex life. If you’re healing from trauma… This is a phenomenal book. The writing is excellent and the exercises within our life-changing.
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All right so this is not the book I thought it was when I got it, and I apologise for a rating that would surely be higher if I were part of the target audience. I was hoping it was a survey of the latest scientific research into arousal disorders and sexuality; in fact, it's a very selective presentation of those pieces of research that are considered helpful in ‘promoting women's sexual well-being, autonomy and pleasure’. Studies, however revealing, which do not promote such things are ignored. In other words, the book is primarily therapy, not science. Perhaps not surprising given that the author is a sex therapist, but I hadn't realised that – I thought she was a researcher.
I've been very intentional about the empirical details I've included or excluded. I asked myself, “Does this fact help women have better sex lives, or is it just a totally fascinating and important empirical puzzle?”
And I cut the puzzles.
This means that, although there is some useful information here, it is interspersed with a lot of rather irritating, vaguely encouraging bullshit about ‘living with confidence and joy inside your body’, reassurances that you are ‘all normal, all beautiful’, and exhortations to ‘listen with your heart, not with your fear’. Naturally as a British passport-holder I cannot read this stuff without feeling my toes clench and my testicles retract into my body, and the narrative tone doesn't help either. Nagoski writes in the earnest, chatty way of someone trying to write a book for people who don't read books, with lots of forcedly colloquial comments like, ‘Wait: what?’ and, ‘For realsie real.’
OK, fine, I am clearly not the target audience, I get that, but for me it gets incredibly grating when every hint of scientific information is hedged around with encouragements and stupid metaphors and open condescension: before a section on the hedonic centres of the mesolimbic cortex (which Nagoski calls ‘your emotional One Ring’), she warns, ‘It gets pretty nerdy here […] Ready? Okay’, and afterwards pats us on the head by asking, ‘Did you make it? Phew! That was the hard part. Nice job.’ Gee thanks, Dr Nagoski!
Aristophanes, in Plato's Symposium—and for those of you who very understandably just fell asleep, replace that with the song “The Origin of Love” from John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig and the Angry Itch—offers this parable about why humans love…
Really? What I found so infuriating about all this is the implied gendering of her tone – it's somehow pitched at a certain idea of women, as though they have no interest in hard science and need their research presented in the form of a Cosmo quiz. It's really outrageous; I don't know if I should be taking it as some reflection on the state of US science education, but the total horror of any scientific terminology, combined with the girlfriends-chatting-over-a-Manhattan tone, just left a really bad taste in the mouth. (Men come off no better – Nagoski writes that she has to ‘translate the science of women's sexual well-being into Manly Fix-It Dude-Speak’ to talk to her clients' partners….)
The reason this is so frustrating is that the actual research presented is pretty important and, in some cases, not so well known. The two presiding ideas in the book, I think, are the concept of responsive v. spontaneous desire, and the dual control model of sexual arousal. The terms ‘responsive desire’ and ‘spontaneous desire’ have been floating around for over a decade now – I think the key paper was Basson et al. 2003 (although Nagoski says they were coined by Ellen Laan and Stephanie Both, which may be true; Laan is one of the authors of that paper). The basic idea is that while some people can get turned on while walking down the street or doing the dishes, for others it's something that only happens in response to situations that have already been made explicitly erotic. Arousal first, desire second.
The disparity between these different kinds of desire is, of course, behind a lot of relationship stresses, whence Nagoski's clinical interest. For her what's important here is to point out that responsive desire is perfectly OK and is not the same as ‘low desire’.
A woman can be perfectly normal and healthy and never experience spontaneous sexual desire. Instead, she may experience ‘responsive’ desire, in which her desire emerges only in a highly erotic context.
She writes ‘a woman’ – and there may well be a sex divide. Nagoski estimates (on somewhat shaky data, because research into this is limited) that five percent of men and thirty percent of women have responsive desire, compared with seventy-five percent of men and five percent of women whose desire is ‘spontaneous’. (This leaves most women and twenty percent of men whose desire style changes based on the context – a rather large amount which does slightly throw the whole model into question. Asexuality is not addressed.) Nagoski is understandably worried about the idea that sexual desire which differs from the male norm is pathologised as ‘broken’ or defective in some way, something to be ‘fixed’ by taking a so-far-mythical pill; she wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times back in February on this subject.
It's all good stuff and it's certainly a vocabulary that more people should have at their disposal. However, it should be noted that other models of sexual desire are available. It's also worth saying that all we are really doing here is playing semantics. Thinking about responsive desire as a thing might help people to feel better about themselves and not to feel broken – which is good, and they're not – but it doesn't really say anything about what's actually going on. What affects whether desire is spontaneous or responsive? Hormones? Neurology? Upbringing? Culture?
(This semantics issue is something the whole book suffers from – same goes for her long and heartfelt rant about why we do not have a sex ‘drive’ but rather an ‘incentive motivation system’. For the life of me after reading that section several times, I couldn't work out what the difference was supposed to be.)
Even more than responsive desire, Nagoski is excited about something called the Dual Control Model of Arousal. This is the idea developed by two researchers at the Kinsey Institute in 2006 (the paper's here) and essentially what it does is to consider libido in terms of those psychosomatic processes that promote sexual arousal, and in terms of those that restrain it. The paper posits a Sexual Excitation System (SES) on the one hand, and a Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) on the other; Nagoski calls them the accelerators and the brakes. The SES is that part of you that constantly scans your thoughts and the world around you for sexually-relevant data; the SIS is – not inhibitions in the layman's sense, but a necessary consideration of negative consequences of any sexual activity, whether medical, social, psychological or whatever.
Conceptualising things in this way turns out to add quite a lot of nuance to how we think about arousal. People with arousal problems differ fundamentally in where the issue lies: some have a low SES (i.e. not many things actually turn them on in principle), while others have a very rich SES but just a highly sensitive inhibition system which stops them reacting as fully as they otherwise might, unless conditions are ideal. Similarly, sexual risk-taking like unprotected sex, cheating and so on, is sometimes correlated with low SIS and sometimes with abnormally high SES.
Nagoski very sensibly suggests that a prerequisite to overcoming arousal problems is understanding one's own SES and SIS – getting familiar with what exactly it is that turns you on and turns you off, and creating contexts where the former are maximised and the latter minimised. There are lots of interesting studies that bear on these ideas in various ways. It was found, for example, that wearing socks made it easier for women to orgasm while masturbating in a brain imaging machine. This is not because there are more sock fetishists than previously appreciated, but simply because it's distracting if you have cold feet, and depending on your personal SIS little distractions of this kind can add up fast (especially, one presumes, when trying to get off inside a brain imaging machine).
It's clear that Nagoski wants to back up her ideas by using interviews with her clients, to demonstrate how helpful these concepts can be. And some interviews like this would indeed have been great – books like Brett Kahr's Sex and the Psyche show how well clinical transcripts can work in books of this kind. But, pleading confidentiality issues, Nagoski instead invents fictional couples who she says are composites of the many people she has treated in real life, and the book is interspersed with transcripts of how these fictional people were fictionally treated. Reading these made-up conversations with made-up couples, who nod and gasp appropriately at all her revelations, is an exercise in pure frustration.
There were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room, and it's only thanks to the good fortune that I was reading it on my iPad that I was forced to press on. Nevertheless, there are small parts of it that I'd like to cut out and circulate to everyone I know, so it is an odd mix. Parts of the book, I mean, not my iPad. Nagoski is after all basically coming from the right place and talking about the right things, and she's not afraid of making some big claims for her field either.
Do I think that living with confidence and joy and respecting everyone's sexual autonomy could play a role in preventing cancer, solving the climate crisis, or building world peace? Yes, actually.
No way I can one-star a book saying something as close to my heart as that. And I guess if what you want is something therapeutic rather than just informative, then this will fit the bill pretty well. Still, despite all the interesting material to be uncovered in here, it is hard to shake off the vague feeling that you're getting a lecture on sexual dysfunction from a children's television presenter.
(Oct 2015)
The information in this book is solid gold. A copy should be put in the hands of every person, ideally before they've had sexual contact with another person. But. BUT. The metaphors. Dear Lord, the metaphors. We have sexuality as an accelerator and brakes, sexuality as an overgrown garden, sexuality as a hot water heater, complex feelings as a sleeping hedgehog, sexual interest as a customers seeking a diner, sexual expectations as a touchy monitor tapping her fingernails, our brains as a flock of birds, and SO MANY OTHERS I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.
I understand and applaud what Nagoski is doing in terms of wanting to convey big complicated cognitive functions in more relatable prose. But it touches a nerve for me when writers anthropomorphize female sexuality. I find it infantilizing. I'm a big girl, just tell me what my brain is doing, I can read about chemicals and neurons and whatnot. I don't need to imagine my brain as a lion and my pelvis as a caveman or whatever other nonsense.
So 5 stars for the content, 4 stars for the chatty conversational writing style (which did not annoy me but will probably polarize some readers) and 1 star for the overworked metaphors.
2,463 reviews6,690 followers
Ok, when I saw the tile of this book, it thought probably what everyone else thought about this book. (Ok, the introduction and chapter 8 and appendix one might be, but the rest is science over myth), If it did not come, it was highly recommended from a respected friend of mine from uni. I probably would not ever give it the first look. Read is as some "light reading" doing her PhD. in Psychology. So, of course, she decided to experiment with her friend to get a male perspective on the book. So let me get this out of the way first. No!! This is not a collection of sex stories. There are actual case studies. They are not written to be provocative but to understand the feeling of the accelerators and the breaks.
Thought Emily does quote a number of scientific theories and is by her own admission a "nerd" (no judgement I have been a proud geek for years), you do not have to be to understand the book, it is written in an easy to read way. I found there is a lot of truth to this book, and even though it is written primarily for women in mind I think both me men and women can lean a lot from it and will see traits of both in the case studies.
I also think there are some very important messages in this book, the main one being the first like and echoed throughout the book "You are OK." You are normal. You are not broken. " Usually, whenever we do not fit the mould or something does not live up out our expectations, one of those three thoughts does through our heads. the other messages that she tries to show us are the messages we are bombarded with through out our lives the "that is wrong", "you should look like this", or "that is not normal". I quite like the idea of celebrating differences and then persecuting people for them.
This is a great book with a lot of insightful theories and science against myth and breaking down some pretty big walls. theories of sex and psychology have been linked since Sigmund Freud. As some theories have moved on others, we still have so much to learn about in others. It is a great book that should be read by everyone and commented on what you agree with or disagree with.
1,342 reviews5,832 followers
An excellent book about women physiology and the psychology of sexual arousal and pleasure. It uses the latest scientific discoveries about women sexuality to debunk some myths and to try to improve life between the sheets. I read it for the science because you can never now enough about the subject and I was not disappointed.
The bottom line of the book is that women physiology and sexuality was viewed, explained and criticized from men’s lens and standards. As the author clearly explains, women are very different.
I will leave you with some interesting bits of wisdom.
- Male and female sex parts are the same but arranged differently. The correspondent of the pleasure organ, aka the penis, is the clitoris, not the vagina as many might think. As a result, the majority of women can only have orgasm by the stimulation of the clit. It is no wonder then that 75% of women never orgasm or rarely.
- responsive v. spontaneous desire, Basically, some people can get turned on randomly while for others it only happens in response to highly erotic situations. 75% of men and 5% of women have spontaneous desires. 30% of women have only responsive desire and the rest change depending on the context. Well, she talks a lot about context and here things get a bit blurry
- she talks about the existence of Dual Control Model of Arousal which consist in a Sexual Excitation System (SES) –accelerators and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) – breaks. Each woman has a various degree of both and there is a large chapter about how to identify your mix and how to adjust the SES and SIS to improve your sex life. Context again is very important.
- It talks a lot about how stress influences the sex life, not a surprise here I guess, but she does it quite well.
- Arousal non-concordance, a concept I did not know and it is very important especially in context of violence towards women. Apparently, you can get wet/erect without being aroused because the brain tells to your genitals that there is a sexual context. An important example is with rape victims who are mistakenly thought to be enjoying themselves because of this involuntary reaction.
Emily Nagoski is sex therapist and the book is written as a form of therapy. The main focus is to make the reader feel normal and confident with her body and sexuality which is great but it can also be tiring because of many repetitions. The tone is very chatty and informal; it felt like reading a Cosmo article. There were lots of laughable (to me) similes trying to better explain some concepts.
I somehow felt that the author tried too hard to make the concepts accessible and because of that it appeared like she was writing to dumb child.
1,356 reviews332k followers
It’s hard not to love a book with a pseudo-vagina on the front; it’s even harder not to love that same book for smashing all the preconceived ideas we have about female (and by comparison, male) sexuality. Like, for example, did you know that the hymen as an indication of virginity is entirely a social construction and there is no scientific evidence backing it? Using actual, real science, Dr. Emily Nagoski – a speak-the-truth-and-only-the-truth sex educator/professor – breaks down all the things we think we know about sex and desire and drive and, in the process, makes you feel like not are you normal, but we’re ALL normal. As she says over and over and over, “We’re all made up of the same basic parts, just organized differently.” In other words, there is no normal. This is a game changer of a human sexuality book – not just for women, who have always been told that men’s sexuality is the default (HINT: it’s not) – but for men who love women and don’t understand why the things that work for them, don’t work for women. Just….just go buy this. Buy this and read it and try not to be that weird person pushing a sex book on every single lady person you know. Because these are all lessons we need to learn. Better for us, better for everyone. — Rachel Manwill
from The Best Books We Read in April: http://bookriot.com/2015/05/01/riot-r...
1,010 reviews413 followers
2 stars - Meh. Just ok.
I love the concept behind this book and it started off very interesting and introduced several facts of which I was not previously aware. Unfortunately, it then became a long repetitive read with the bulk majority of the information being mostly common sense, and started to feel like a self-help book vs a nonfiction book on a fascinating topic. I found myself doing a lot of skimming on the back half wondering if there would be another interesting chapter coming up (like the start of the book), but the back 75% was rather dull for me. Worth a read if you feel clueless in this area.
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Favorite Quote: Women have cultural permission to criticize ourselves, but we are punished if we praise ourselves, if we dare to say that we like ourselves the way we are.
First Sentence: To be a sex educator is to be asked questions.
2,245 reviews3,572 followers
I kept searching for the "SCIENCE" that was promised in the title. There was some there, but the book is a soft self affirmation. There were some interesting bits, but not enough to warrant a full reading.
Come As You Are is absolutely the best book I've ever read, not just on sex, but on life and well being in general. Why read another book on sex? Because Emily describes how your brain and your life work together to create desire, and how to experience more pleasure, more joy, and more confidence with your relationships AND with sex.
But this isn't the usual sex book with lavish promises of ecstasy by learning detailed techniques of where to put this and how to put it there. Emily gives you science that feels like a warm, soothing hug for all of the insecurities you've ever felt about your body, your sex, and your relationships, and then she describes how to apply science to your life so that you end up with the pleasure, joy and confidence.
To be honest, after finishing a draft of this book, I felt more peace and well being than I'd felt in about ten years, which is about when I started worrying about my body and sex. And it's because Emily is describing how your brain interprets stress and how your body responds because of that, how to actually manage stress without just trying to relax, and how you can create a life that your body will respond all kinds of YES to. Then add in science about how your brain works with goals, and what kind of goal you have around your sex life, and then you can appreciate how to work with the reality of your life and not just the fantasy of what you want your love life to be.
I've read Emily's blog for a couple years now, but the way she puts everything together and elaborates on all the science makes everything click in a way that feels reassuring and full of potential. I'm now reading parts of the draft again, and understanding even better how all of the elements work together to build joy and confidence and pleasure. It's truly beautiful.
Come As You Are is the most practical book I've ever read about sex, and with this book and Sheri Winston's Anatomy of Arousal, I would never have needed any other book on sex. And I bought hundreds. I'm also not the most sciencey person, and luckily, Emily explains really complicated concepts in an easy to apply way.
I really think this book could change our culture's whole idea of sexuality in a way that creates more pleasure for everyone.
Books like this are why I LOVE non-fiction.
This should be required reading on female sexuality, both for those with vaginas and those who are interested in or love someone with a vagina. I mention the parts here because they ARE a big component of the book. This is a guide to how everyone has the same parts, rearranged differently, and it's our perception of that and relationship with that mentality that changes our feelings, perceptions, and experiences of sex itself.
Nagoski writes in an empowering, encouraging, fun, and yes, FUNNY, manner. I would hand this to every single woman I know.
For me, the biggest take away, the moment which took this from really good to outstanding, was her discussion on body image, on body weight, and how it is our culture plus some that screws us up so bad. In short, it's the patriarchy that smashes female desire, love, and interest in sex and in their own sexual beings and experiences. We accept male-as-default forgetting that also means women lose out over and over and over again.
Buy this one. Read it. Then pass it along. Seriously. It's THAT good.
1,379 reviews1,929 followers
For some women I have no doubt this would be a life-changing book. I definitely learned some cool stuff, things I am pissed that I did not know (because, patriarchy). But I guess I'm lucky enough that I don't really need the 'self-help' of this book to help with my sex life, and this aspect is really the meat of the book. Also, Nagoski acknowledges that the book is for and about cisgender women, so that omission didn't bother me (there isn't enough science about trans women or enby people), but I did still feel like it was suited for straight women in long term monogamous relationships, which Nagoski doesn't give a disclaimer for like she does the focus on cis women. The examples of lesbians didn't really feel like they were specific to those experiences and bi women don't come up at all. Single and poly women wouldn't get a lot out of this that would speak specifically to those experiences either, I don't think. Plus, the metaphors used to explain absolutely everything got to me after a while.
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