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Stephen Mitchell
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Loving What Is: How Four Questions Can Change Your Life Paperback – 1 August 2002
by Byron Katie (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars 3,015 ratings
A major work by spiritual teacher Byron Katie- a simple, straightforward system for achieving inner peace
Bryon Katie found herself at a complete dead end in her life, she felt increasingly depressed and over a ten-year period had sunk into an existence of depression, despair and rage. Then one morning she woke up in a state of absolute joy, filled with the freedom of knowing her suffering had ended.Determined to give people a way to discover for themselves what she had experienced, Katie has developed a simple method of self-enquiry that she calls The Work, four simple questions that allow you to see the problems that are troubling you in a whole new light. The Work is a life-transforming system for discarding the stories we tell ourselves, which are the source of our suffering, and replacing them with the truth and a life of joy and peace.
Review
...a revolutionary way to live your life. The question is: are we brave enough to accept it? -- Erica Jong
...a pragmatic and simple way of getting people to take responsibility for their own problems. ― Time Magazine
Book Description
A major work by spiritual teacher Byron Katie- a simple, straightforward system for achieving inner peace
About the Author
Byron Katie lives in Los Angeles. Stephen Mitchell's widely acclaimed translations of the Tao Te Ching and the Bhagavad Gita (Rider 2000) are respected the world over. He lives in California.
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Product details
Publisher : RIDER - TRADE; 1st edition (1 August 2002)
Language : English
Paperback : 288 pages
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Emily
Jan 13, 2011Emily rated it did not like it
Hmmmm...need to digest this one before writing a review. Some things rang true, some were rather disturbing. I'll be back in a bit...
I'm back. Here we go:
**Update**
After a long discussion with a good friend who found The Work extremely helpful in dealing with some difficult issues in her life recently, I'm willing to acknowledge that when applied appropriately with greater guidance and/or better explanation, many of my concerns as outlined below can be alleviated. My rating is staying at a 1-star level because I don't feel this book explains those points well at all and vulnerable people left to apply these concepts from this book without additional clarification (from the website, workshops, facilitators, etc.) can easily get the wrong message and be hurt rather than helped. That doesn't mean, as I mentioned below, that there isn't good to be found in this book or that it's not helpful to many. I just found some of the approach and particularly the explanation lacking.
**Back to the original review**
* "Is it true?" is a very useful question to ask when contemplating what is upsetting us or causing us pain, as long as there's willingness to acknowledge that we may not have all the facts.
* "Can you really absolutely know that that's true?" is not a useful question. If the answer is always "no," which Byron Katie seems to believe it is, then there is absolutely no moral foundation. Whether she agrees or not, I believe there are some "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" in this world. People *should* be honest. Children *shouldn't* be brutalized, mutilated, beaten, starved, murdered, etc. Just because bad awful things happen, doesn't mean they *should*. The key, in my mind, is to accept that things that "shouldn't" happen sometimes do anyway, that you have no control over other people's choices, and that sometimes that really hurts, and then move on with a determination to try not to hurt others the same way, to ease pain instead of cause it, not to accept that bad things *should* happen because they did.
* Some aspects of the Turnaround have great application in the "beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye" kind of way. Again, I'm not comfortable with rejecting every "should" or "shouldn't" statement. The idea that "he shouldn't be dishonest" can be turned around to "I shouldn't be dishonest" and become a great opportunity to ponder my own personal commitment to honesty. The idea that "he should be dishonest" is simply not helpful or enlightening.
* There were some disturbing "blame the victim" implications toward the end of the book when Byron Katie applied The Work to situations involving abuse, incest, rape, etc. For example, "There's no such thing as verbal abuse. There's only someone telling me a truth that I don't want to hear." Um, no. Verbal abuse is real. It is abuse, not necessarily grounded in truth, and no, it *shouldn't* happen. It's also completely inappropriate to ask a woman to identify what "her part" was in the sexual abuse her stepfather committed on her when she was nine years old. That's just wrong.
* Likewise, there seemed to be wholesale ignorance of clinical, chemical depression - and I'm not talking about the occasional "funk" or feeling low which I believe you can affect by changing your thinking. Statements like, "Only you can cause your depression" are irresponsible and can cause serious harm if people who need professional help choose not to seek it because "Byron Katie said I should be able to think myself out of this."
* Some level of judgment is necessary. "There's no path that's higher than another." Really? I mean, there are tons of paths that are A-OK by me, but I don't believe that all paths are of equal worth. And unless you think Mother Teresa's lifelong effort to serve others and relieve suffering is on par with Jeffrey Dahmer's lifelong path of sadism, death and destruction, then you too believe that some paths are inherently higher than others.
* I disagree with her assertion that "Nothing outside you can ever give you what you're looking for" because it completely discounts a higher power: God, Allah, the Spirit, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. My most transcendent moments in life have come from surrendering to that higher power and allowing Him/Her/Them/It to change me.
* Byron Katie also seems to discount the importance of planning for the future and having goals. While living wholly in the future or in the past is counter-productive, we need to expend some energy deciding where we want to go and what we want to be and then figuring out how to get there. Sometimes life will throw wrenches in those plans, but we can't remain static and expect to be truly happy. And we do have responsibilities to others, particularly our children.
While Byron Katie's book has some elements that would be helpful if used correctly, I'm concerned that too much of her approach would, in actuality, be damaging. I'm sure the thousands of people who have experienced life-changing events because of The Work will disagree with me and let me know just where I'm not understanding her approach, but there are other, much better and less problematic sources (go read something by the Dalai Lama, for example) for the good elements in Byron Katie's book.
For more book reviews, come visit my blog, Build Enough Bookshelves. (less)
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Lori Kincaid Rassati
Jul 05, 2011Lori Kincaid Rassati rated it did not like it
Recommends it for: no one
I listened to part of the audio version of this book, but I couldn't finish it. I first learned of this book from a smart, very successful woman who referenced it in a talk to 250 of my co-workers. She mentioned how life-changing it was to determine what was her business, someone else's business or God's business. That made sense, so I decided to check it out.
My first dumbfounded moment was in her conversation with a mother who was struggling with her young son not doing his chores, not doing his homework and sometimes lying. When the author suggested that the mother needed to accept mediocrity because the world was all about mediocrity, I almost wrecked the car. Yes, we might all be *happier* or more content if we just accepted blanket mediocrity, but where would this world be?! Thank goodness many people refuse to accept mediocrity for themselves or their children.
I was also disgusted by her nonsense that everyone's truth is equal. That is patently untrue. A member of the Taliban might determine what truth is for him, but most reasonable people will determine his truth is not equal to that of the most of the rest of the world.
Finally, the idea that we should just accept everything as is ("it is what it is" she said over and over) is absurd. Again, where would we be with this notion? We'd still have slavery; we wouldn't have civiil rights in this country; we wouldn't have people devoting their lives to social justice, the eradication of disease and poverty, etc., etc., etc.
I feel sorry for someone who believes the lies this woman is spouting. (less)
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Dani
Oct 26, 2012Dani rated it did not like it
I went into this with open eyes and mind and ended up being quite disappointed.
***SPOILER ALERT***
The story that really sent me over the edge was the one of the abused woman. She was sexually abused by her stepfather from about age 9.
Byron Katie must not be a sexual abuse surivor because her "work" with this gal both appalling and insensitive. To tell a victim that they need to admit they are guilty of some part of the abuse is incomprehensible to me. And to tell a victim to put herself into the abuser's shoes (how he must feel about himself) made me ill.
The abuse happened when this gal was a CHILD. A child does not think or process information the same way an adult does. It in no way was her fault. I re-read that chapter twice to make sure I was not missing anything that made me draw my initial conclusion, but I still felt the same after re-reading. That's when the book was put into the pile to go back to the library. (less)
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Virginia
Mar 30, 2008Virginia rated it it was amazing
This book about blew the top of my head off.
Numerous times I had to sit back and contemplate the book for a long long time before I felt prepared to continue.
I recommend this to EVERYBODY. It's another one of those books that would improve the world by major leaps and bounds if everybody read it. (less)
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Carolyn
Jan 25, 2011Carolyn rated it it was amazing
If you want a life-changing book, then you need to read this one today. It is so powerful.
Years ago, after months of dealing with post-partum depression after giving birth to my first child, my GP suggested I talk to a therapist to help me through the depression. I ended up seeing a cognitive therapist for a few months, which blew my mind. I actually got the tools necessary to help me deal with my emotional reactions to situations going on around me.
Byron Katie, whose book is at heart cognitive therapy, was introduced into my life a few months ago when Sagar Simon, who counsels with The Work here in Amsterdam, gave a sample workshop at my women's networking group, Connecting Women. I won the free coaching session with him in the group's raffle, at the end of which, my mind was blown again. He suggested I read this book in order to continue my healing at my own pace.
The book's basic tenet is that all our suffering is caused by our attachment to the stories we create about our thoughts. Here's a good example because it's raining in Holland. It's raining. That's the reality. It's not causing me any stress or irritation. However, the moment I start thinking that it shouldn't be raining, I get irritated and sad. Now, the thought that it shouldn't be raining comes to me in thoughts like "I'm so tired of this weather; if it's not warm and sunny I get depressed; rain is such a pain because i get wet, etc"
This book has taught me that the rain isn't causing my irritation; my irritation is caused when I attach my belief that it shouldn't be raining. Who am I to determine whether or not it rains? It's not my business whether or not it's raining - that's Nature's business, not mine. How about I stay in my own business? How about I figure out what's really causing my irritation?
Here are the bits of brilliance that I refer to all the time:
1. There are only three types of business: mine, yours and the Universe's. Whose am I in?
2. Universe, spare me from seeking love, approval and appreciation.
3. Reality never lies.
Katie's "Work" isn't without controversy. It can be hard to swallow because, once you start doing The Work, you'll be confronted with the idea that you cause your own suffering. The beautiful part is that you can also deliver yourself from your suffering. (less)
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Bob Klein
Feb 25, 2009Bob Klein rated it it was ok
This is a hard review. Her book (and her questions, but mostly her interviews-as-examples) have the potential to help a lot of people deal with interpersonal issues (that she boils down to inner-personal). The problem I have is the potentially dangerous way that she applies a universal logic to dealing with complex problems. The questions are general enough, and the answers are supposed to be generated by the people answering them. Still, she makes it quite clear from the numerous case studies in the book (examples from her workshops) that it's all about owning the bad things that happen to you. My concern is for the danger of applying this technique to (an admittedly small number of) extreme cases, such as those who are victims of crime. The dialogues follow a predictable pattern and if mapped onto, say, a rape victim, would end with the rape victim "turning it around" and concluding things such as "I hate myself for being raped" or if you really bungle the "turn-around": "I raped myself." Clearly this is not Byron's intent, but a mass-market paperback in the self-help section is a potentially tragic lure for people who self-treat despite needing the help of a serious professional.
That said, I can't help but admit that the book provides a structure to dealing with conflicts and issues. This structure, whether or not I like it, changed me (as books should) in a small way. Probably more the case-studies than the narrative... The case-studies revealed the complexities of the technique in ways that the oversimplified narrative could not. Hmmm... two stars? Is that really true? (less)
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MizzSandie
Mar 07, 2012MizzSandie rated it liked it
Shelves: own, read-in-danish
I've got nothing against the message of this book or the questions it's build up around.
It's just that it's all a little... shallow. . and simplistic.
There's so much more to life, and people and their problems, and their stories, and their thinking and their feelings than Byron Katie acknowledges.
Life is complex.
And sometimes the way to clear your mind or look at life and things from a different perspective doesn't come in a 4-question package, no matter how well and often it has worked for others.
I get the questions. I get it.
And at times I think it can be a great tool.
Questioning your own judgements and investigating your own feelings and looking at them from other perspectives can lead to many new insights and open your eyes to liberating perepctives and thoughts you've never even considered.
But (and there is a 'but') at other times, I would have chosen a different path, a different wording, a different sensitivity, a different way to bring issues into perspectives. Blame that on my psychology training or my personal taste, if you like, but the bottom line is this:
I understand the questions might work for some people in some situations but when it comes to whether or not these 4 questions are the answers to every problem for every person, everywhere, me and Byron Katie certainly differ.
I guess I just dont belive in a one-for-all solution.
its not possible
In my experience there are many paths to go, and I dont believe there is a 'cure them all' or a saviour, or one and one only remedy for life's hardships or personal challenges.
I found it disenchanting and troublesome how fundamentalisticly Byron believes in the power of these 4 questions as the sure and only way to salvation, if not now, then later on.
Over and over again she claims that 'the work' will surely lead to the solution to everyones problems, and if not, it surely wasn't the questions that could be at fault, noooo, of course it's the people that just hasn't done their 'work' well enough, or was ready for its brilliance.
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Dear Katie, I know they worked for you, and I'm really happy for you, and it's very kind of you to share what has clearly brought you (and others) so much joy and peace, but claiming it is the right way (and the only way?) for everyone else is at both a little arrogant, and potentially damaging to the people in question (literally).
There's a saying (I forget who) that I try to live by, that goes something a long the lines of:
"Just because they aren't on your path, doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
There are endless ways, paths and healing ways to go and not everyone benefits from the same things, It all depends on the journey they are on.
This might be one way, but I surely it is not the only way.
And if you want to go beyond (and beneath) the surface level, I recommend you instead try to read Eckhart Tolle, The power of Now or Deepak Chopra's "The book of secrets: Unlocking the hidden dimensions of your life" (less)
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Steffan Bard
Jun 17, 2016Steffan Bard rated it it was ok
As I made my way through it, I kept having this unsettling feeling - esp. as I read the dialogues in it. Eventually I figured out what was confusing and challenging about it. I deeply resonate with a lot of her core principles and premises (as they are ones I've come to on my own), yet I have some very sharp disagreements with how they are applied. This made it an odd book to read for me because usually when I resonate with the basic principles and premises an author is describing I usually also resonate with the way they suggest to live them out etc., but that was not the case here.
I'll be specific.
I totally agree with the idea of there being three "types of business" in the world, mine, yours and God's (reality's). However, the lines between these aren't always as clear as she tries to make them out to be for the sake of "the work" being able to be applied so simplistically and clearly I think. For instance, if I want to have someone else be a part of my life in a significant way, and they are important to me, then how they choose to live and operate is going to have significant effects on me. And I don't believe a healthy, integrated and sane adult just resigns to accept whatever the other person is doing just because it's "not their business." In that case, if they are in my life (and I in theirs) in that way, then the lines between "our business" may be more interdependent.
What I'm trying to say here is that I believe there is a healthy human place which acknowledges how we are affected by other people (while not being codependent) and can assertively navigate (ask for what we need or want) things without being attached by way of a neurotic ego. Being assertive means we ask for what we want while letting go of the outcome and the answer if the answer is no. So in some cases, "loving what is," means accepting the fact that someone else's behavior affects us a certain way and then asking for help from them and compassionately communicating our needs while not demanding or expecting the other person to meet them - as we understand our needs are ultimately our own responsibility and the other person may only be one strategy or source of meeting our needs.
And, worst comes to worst, we may have to apply some boundaries with a person who we are wanting something from, but who doesn't genuinely have the willingness to give it to us. A boundary says, "I'm not doing this to appease or upset you, I'm doing it to take care of myself." In this case, taking care of ourselves would be choosing the amount of involvement we have with someone who we want something from but who doesn't have the genuine willingness in them to give it to us. So we can move on to other people and strategies without blaming them, though we allow ourselves, compassionately, to feel disappointed, and take that disappointment as our soul's wisdom that we do need to move on and set that boundary perhaps.
Further on the topic of assertiveness though. The poet David Whyte has this idea he talks about of "the conversational nature of reality." And the basic idea is that we bring our desires to the world and the world brings its desires to us - and what happens is often something in between. We don't get all of what we want from the world and the world doesn't get all that it wants from us. What Katie's ideology here seems to reflect is a cutting off of the conversation because it's vulnerable and leaves us open to suffering. So she advises just accepting whatever the world is like.
However, we need to realize we are also a part of the world and do have some control over what happens; and that a healthy adult realizes that and is able to be assertive without being attached. Suffering is a part of life, and truly "loving what is." I'm not sure that perfect acceptance negates all suffering. True nonattachment and acceptance fearlessly admits our humanity and vulnerability, which includes us having wishes that are not fulfilled or are frustrated. So being an integrated, healthy or sane adult does not mean we just give up what we want because it would be "arguing with reality," as Katie reiterates many times.
This took me awhile to figure out, as to why I wasn't jiving with her application of the basic premise of the book, which I agreed and agree with - that it's generally much more healthy to accept what is rather than resist or argue with it. The serenity prayer guides a lot of my internal decision making. But it seems that Katie only affirms half of it - the acceptance of what we cannot change. But there are indeed things we can change, and can exert effort towards without being attached neurotically (though, granted, I do believe this takes a good amount of inner work and transformation before one can come to this point). So I didn't see this point being affirmed - that there is a necessity to seeking the wisdom to know the difference between what we truly can and cannot change. Katie seems to opt for a rather black and white binary as to what we can and cannot change as, I imagine, this makes "the work" a lot simpler to apply.
Okay, my other main disagreement is that the application of the work felt too rationalistic and, again, simplistic to me. The reason being, a person who is applying the work is left with these binaries - "is it true?" (or false?) - when, what's usually the most helpful, I believe, is seeking understanding as to why or in what context something is true or false, not merely asking if it is or isn't.
It was especially the third question of the work that bothered me the most - "Who would you be without this thought?" and "Can you think of one stress-free reason to keep this thought?" Asking those questions leaves no room for understanding or empathizing with the legitimate reasons why we have a judgment, resistance, "should" or pain in life or towards someone. And I believe that the most powerful place of transformation is in understanding the motivation for why we are operating in a certain manner and then figuring out if there might be a better way to meet the needs motivating our behaviors. But the way the work sets it up is that one is only meant to inquire as to whether the thought creates stress or peace, and then we are asked to let the thought let go of us (I did appreciate her clarification that she isn't asking people to "drop the thought" or to try to drop it) on the basis of realizing it's not helping us feel peaceful or happy.
However, all emotions are meaningful and necessary to becoming a more integrated human being. Stress, depression or unhappiness are the not our enemies, merely the signals that perhaps we are seeking to meet a need of ours through an inefficient or unrealistic strategy. And determining whether a strategy is inefficient or unrealistic is a very personal and intuitive process that requires a good amount of self-awareness and wisdom.
In Non-Violent Communication they say that all judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs. And this is why we can have compassion on judgments - the judgments of others and our own judgments. So that is the kind of understanding I have found to be most helpful. Whereas, what Katie seems to be suggesting is a judgment of the judgment and trying to resolve it by the mere realization that it seems to be causing us stress or may not be true from another perspective.
However, something may be true for us - and there are good reasons why we have any judgment we have. There are certain needs within us that are trying to be expressed, though we may not know how else to express them but to have a judgment or resistance to something or someone. So I find that the place of transformation is not in merely rationalistically observing whether we feel stressed or at peace with a thought, but seeking to compassionately understand every part of ourselves, even the parts of ourselves that have judgments and resistances and then letting those parts of ourselves speak so that we might understand what they are wanting and why - rather than hoping they dissipate with the simple realizing that they are causing us stress or that we would feel more happy without them.
I'll give an example. In the chapter of dialogues on relationships and family she talks with Justin who is struggling because he feels that his family doesn't accept him or his way of life and they just want him to conform to theirs. But the way Katie speaks with him, she leads him to the conclusion that it is him that's being unreasonable or unaccepting because he's equally not accepting their nonacceptance of him essentially.
This, to me, reads essentially as trying to judge our judgments out of ourselves rather than compassionately understand them and resolve them - which is what I find to work a lot better personally, and from my understanding of human nature as a psychologist.
With Justin, what I would have tried to lead him to would be a compassionate understanding of his legitimate need and desire for acceptance. It's not his need for acceptance which is causing stress, it's the unrealistic strategy of trying to have it met through his family, which, in reality, doesn't, in his experience, have the willingness or ability to meet that need. You see what I'm saying? There is a much more helpful understanding in realizing the needs which motivate our resistances and judgments are legitimate, human and reasonable. What may not be reasonable or sane is the various strategies we may be entrenched in trying to meet those needs. Maybe Justin, after truly accepting that his family may not be able to meet that need of his (right now), seeks to find other friends or groups of people who are willing and able to meet that need of his - whereas, the work seemed to just have him bucket the need and strategy together, when it was only the strategy that needed adjustment perhaps.
That's what I think is a more healthy way of "loving what is." It's not necessary to judge or demonize our resistances or judgments as being "insane" because they "argue with reality." Our needs are important, legitimate and real as human beings. What may not always be wise, reasonable or sane is the various ways we seek to have our needs met that simply probably won't, or won't right now.
I have to admit that I didn't manage to finish the book after I had these epiphanies as to why I cringed so much during the dialogues in the book. So to be fair, maybe Katie addresses some of these things that I've hit on here, I'm not sure. Also, to be fair, and to live out the ideology I'm expressing here, I am imagining that it's possible Katie is just making "the work" overtly simple in order to bridge people over into a more integrated and mature perspective and so maybe my disagreements stem from that - just seeing where there are some very important nuances and elements to understand in order to truly and most healthily love what is, in my experience at least. I will also say that I did find the simplicity and clarity of the work to be helpful in many regards too, as reminders to me of how I can live out the principles of acceptance for what is and what I cannot control better (e.g. the recognition that "should" statements in most cases signify nonacceptance or resistances that I'd do well to explore). This was a helpful reminder for me to think about what areas I still have "should" statements in and to explore why.
Some closing notes: I believe the model of cognitive behavioral therapy and its recognition of cognitive distortions to be a more helpful way of working through resistances to reality. Katie only asks in the work whether something is true or not - but I find that you come to a place of transformation and resolution much quicker if you can understand how or why something is true or not - and that's the useful part of the understanding of cognitive distortions as they are common biases or ways of thinking and perceiving that are ungrounded and unhelpful and that are often the source of a lot of our suffering and inability to face and accept what is. In addition, I'd recommend aforementioned model of non-violent communication (NVC) and its understanding of observations, feelings, needs and requests/strategies.
There are indeed some great principles in this book, ones that I deeply resonate with and that have been a part of philosophies like Taoism and Buddhism for centuries. However, there are some key nuances that I believe Katie seems to miss, which made the application of the work too simplistic and rationalistic, and ultimately not as effective as it could be if it incorporated a more humanistic and compassionate understanding of the psyche and our needs as human beings. That being said, I could concede that perhaps this could be an excellent and life-changing book for a person beginning to be exposed to such principles or philosophies. But those who are already familiar with them will probably be wasting their time trying to find something significantly insightful or transformative here other that perhaps just a reminder of and another way to word principles they are already aware of. (less)
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Lezlee Hays
Dec 26, 2010Lezlee Hays rated it did not like it
I have no idea how to star this. One star because I think it's potentially dangerous? Four stars because I think some of it could be helpful for some people? Two stars because on balance I can't make up my mind? I don't know. Ultimately, I think Katie's concepts are too much for most people to digest without potentially having bad side effects. The idea of letting go of the things we can't control - other people, many of our thoughts, realizations that we're often our own problem and not the other person - these are good realizations. Most things in life that regard our interaction with others can be enhanced if we learn good boundaries and learn to understand it is only our thoughts about things that really affect us. However, Katie's core philosophy borders on nihilism. If taken to it's logical conclusion her methods could lead devotees towards a existential crisis from which one might never recover. I can't in good conscience recommend the book for most people. (less)
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V
Oct 22, 2008V rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Anyone seeking to improve themselves, or seeking better understanding
Recommended to V by: Book Club
To start, let me say I generally loathe self-help books. I don't like reading them, and most generally end up throwing the book out, or keeping it as a source of laughter material.
I would not have read this book if I didn't have to for a book club, and when I first picked it up and started reading I was like "Oh come on.. really?"
But as I got further into the book, and really started to grasp exactly what she was trying to say, and trying to get people to implement in their lives.. The simplicity of her steps, which breed deep insight in our own perceptions, and preconcieved notions.. that we may not necessarily be consciously aware of.. I found this book immensely helpful.
This book is NOT for those who cannot self-analyze at all, or do not have the ability to challenge their way of thinking in insightful ways. For those, that do have the above abilities, and consider themselves extremely in touch with themselves.. this book may seem stupid and too simplistic on a cursory reading. The beauty of her method is that it can be as deep and insightful as you make it, or as simplistically stupid as you see it. The choice really is yours.
Sometimes the hardest thing, is challenging and questioning ourselves because we already know our secrets and what buttons to push. Lies are easy. Truth is hard. (less)
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Nicky
Sep 09, 2011Nicky rated it liked it
Shelves: health, non-fiction, philosophy
I was recommended this by my counsellor. I was very unsure about it because a lot of reviews suggested it includes a lot of victim blaming -- and this is, in a sense, true: Byron Katie's theory is essentially that we are always the ones causing ourselves pain. She does tell a woman to figure out what part her nine year old self had in her own rape, what she did 'wrong'.
That sounds very discomforting, but I think I see why she does it. When you've had some kind of trauma, there's often a question of what you could've done to prevent it. Maybe you let someone do something bad to you because you were frightened. You can believe almost totally that you couldn't have escaped the situation, but you still have that lingering shard of doubt -- and that could be a way in to learn to recover from it, starting with forgiving your own perceived complicity.
I don't think Byron Katie is 100% right. I found her attitude a little arrogant at times, and condescending. But the basic ideas can be useful and provide a way to logically see how you can better a problem by controlling your part in it. Likewise, it asks you to accept the past as it was, because that's the only way it can be -- you can't change it, only the way you relive it in your mind.
I would say, read this with caution, if you do read it. Aspects of it were useful for me, but I'm still uncomfortable about other aspects. (less)
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Laura
Sep 26, 2011Laura rated it it was amazing
Shelves: 2019, owned, nf, self-help, audible
I own both the audio and paper versions of this book. Considering the fact that most of my reading and listening comes from local libraries, that is saying something. The concepts in this book are fairly easy to grasp, and the impacts can be life-changing. Rather than studying enlightenment for years and hoping for a glimpse, Katie's ideas are the fast-track.
To summarize, the book explains that we are the projector of the world and everyone in it. If the world seems chaotic, there is chaos inside us, and our job is to shine the light there. Expecting the world / situations outside ourselves to be different from what they are is hopeless, and leads to anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.
The worksheet Katie designed allows us to judge the people/situations in our lives that provoke us as a way of opening our eyes to the truth, clearing the lint from the projector so we can see reality as it is. The understanding is like a lightbulb being switched on; it is instant and life-changing.
Both the abridged and unabridged versions of the audiobook are wonderful. Katie does most of the narration. The abridged version consists mostly of live clips of Katie doing "The Work" with others at public events. The unabridged version is basically a reading of the full paper book. They are completely different but in my opinion, equally helpful.
I encourage anyone looking for a peaceful mind to read or listen to this book. Find more info at http://www.thework.com (less)
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Grace Dague
Oct 08, 2015Grace Dague rated it did not like it
Shelves: 2015
Heard great things and watched a film clip of Byron Katie on Oprah. What she said made some sense, so I bought the book.
Stopped reading at page 55. The recommendations in this book are potentially harmful. I would not put any stock in it.
This reviewer found 12 potentially positive aspects and 37 potentially harmful aspects!
http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpr...
I truly bought into what she was saying with the first chapter and did a practice exercise, but something did not seem right. I had major objections when on page 34:
"Paul came into the room and saw me, and he stormed up to me, shouting, 'Jesus Christ, Kate, what the hell is the matter with you?' ... So I said, 'Sweetheart, the matter with me is that I had the thought that you shouldn't be shouting, and it didn't feel right. Thank you for asking. Now it feels right again.'"
So it is okay for her husband to yell at her like that? That is verbal abuse! As a survivor of an abusive relationship, I cannot take any advice from someone who excuses another person's abusive behavior.
Please read more negative reviews on this book before purchasing! Don't put your very personal thoughts and emotions into Byron Katie's hands! (less)
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The Goon
Nov 08, 2012The Goon rated it did not like it
Shelves: self-help, terrible
Whoooooooeeeeee, “Loving What Is” is some book. Byron Katie has it all figured out. Throughout pages and pages of transcripts of real ‘therapy,’ Katie teaches you how to do “The Work.”
The Work is a series of questions you are to ask yourself that are designed to lead to eventual insight.
The questions are: 1. Is what you’re thinking true? 2. Can you be absolutely sure it’s true? 3. How does it make you feel? 4. What would you feel like if you didn’t feel like this?
5. Now, make 3 statements that will turn your written statement around to the self, to the other, and to the opposite.
Here’s an example of how this might work. Suppose, for instance, that you said,
“I hate fat people.”
We’ll do the work on this statement:
1. Are you sure you hate fat people?
2. Can you be absolutely positive that you hate ALL fat people? Do you hate every single fat person in the entire world? What about nice fat people, do you hate them? Do you hate fat people who are just a little over weight? What if they are fat because they have a health condition?
3. How does it make you feel when you think, “I hate fat people”?
4. How would you feel if you didn’t feel this way about fat people?
Now turn it around.
a. I hate myself when I am fat.
b. I hate you when you’re fat.
c. Fat people hate me.
This technique is supposed to be very enlightening, but I can’t get it to work for me at all. Byron Katie can though. She’s like a therapist magician. She gets people up on stage and starts saying stuff like, “Everything is all your fault. You are just projecting your thoughts onto others.”
Katie is a know-it-all. She thinks she’s got everything all figured out. She should just grab her magician wand and shout, “Abracadabra, it’s your fault,” and be done with her ‘inquiries.’ Inquires that just happen to be dull and boring and super long and stupid, might I add. Katie calls her therapy participants “honey” and “baby” and “sugar” like a truck stop waitress.
I think perhaps the worst therapy transcription was between Katie and a woman who was raped as a child. I couldn’t read all of it, I’m not going to lie, but in the end Katie concludes that the woman abused both herself, and the step-father who raped her, because it’s a hard knock life to be a child rapist. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit just typing that.
No good! This book sucked my butt.
Here are a few more examples of why this is a butt sucking book:
Page 184 “There’s a story I like to tell. Roxann, my daughter, called me one day and said she wanted me to attend my grandson’s birthday party. I told her I had a commitment that day to be doing a public event in another city. She was so hurt and angry that she hung up on me. Then, maybe ten minutes later, she called me back and said, “I am so excited, Momma. I just did The Work on you, and I saw that there is nothing you can do to keep me from loving you.”
Page 179 “. . . One day, when my grandson Travis was two years old, he pointed to a huge cookie in a store window. I said, “Honey, are you sure that’s the one you want?” He was sure. I asked him if he would share it, and he said yes. I bought it and took his sweet little hand, and we walked to a table. I took the cookie out of the bag and broke off a small piece, and held up both pieces. He reached for the small one and looked very shocked as I moved it away and put the large piece in his hand, and his face lit up as he began to move the cookie to his mouth. Then his eyes caught mine. I felt so much love that I thought my heart would burst. He smiled and took his huge cookie from his lips, gave it to me, and took the small piece.”
Page 229 “I remember one very frightened woman who was dying of cancer. She had requested that I sit with her, so I came. I sat down beside her and said, “I don’t see a problem.” She said, “No? Well, I’ll show you a problem!” and she pulled off the sheet. One of her legs was so swollen that it was at least twice the size of the normal leg. I looked and looked, and I still couldn’t find a problem. She said, “You must be blind! Look at this leg. Now look at the other one.” And I said, “Oh, now I see the problem. You’re suffering from the belief that that leg should look like this one. Who would you be without that thought? And she got it. She began to laugh, and the fear just poured out through her laughter. She said that was the happiest she had ever been in her entire life.”
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Sherry Joiner
May 24, 2016Sherry Joiner added it
It took years to correct the thought patterns and the way I felt about myself and others. In Byron Katie's book with Stephen Mitchell, Loving What Is: Four questions that can change your life, the light came on. I searched my soul for the truth, and it enlightened every situation around me by me doing the 'work' of writing it down. I found out the reasoning behind- why I was being paranoid, and- why I made such rash judgments. Byron Katie invites you to discover the reality in your life, how you react to it, feel about it, then turn it around. Doing "The Work," I no longer hold onto false statements that support my paranoid thoughts. Each day, I am growing with my healthier beliefs as I keep a journal on everything I feel needs my attention. This book is a must read for people of all walks of life. (less)
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Elyse Walters
Aug 05, 2012Elyse Walters rated it it was amazing
Katie Byron is FABULOUS....
Haven't heard her name for years!
She was a pioneer (along with Werner Erhard) ---
"The Way Things Are --are the way things are"!
FUN person! (we also saw her years ago)
Wow---all these spiritual books a Goodreads member posted --is taking me down memory land! (less)
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Farnoosh Brock
Apr 13, 2013Farnoosh Brock rated it it was amazing
What if four questions could turn your frustration around and create harmony in your life? What if you could ask yourself powerful questions and trust that the process would lead you to inner peace and pain-free existence? What if it really were that simple - not easy, mind you, but simple?
This book has been an awakening in ways that I had not intended to experience. Subtle. Powerful. Inviting. Gripping. Nudging. Original. Oh my, quite the awakening.
In "The Work", Byron Katie takes us through the process of asking four fundamental questions to the difficult, aggravating, frustrating and painful situations in our lives, be it a relationship, a workplace or office situation, a personal dilemma, or an internal conflict. She calls it "putting it to inquiry".
I love how she asks her participants if they want to know the truth. Some of us don't. Some of us like the lies we have made up. Some of us are too attached to those lies, and some of us would never welcome a wake-up call. Some of us imagine falling apart in the face of truth, so we run and hide with the lies.
But if you are not in that category, if you are courageous enough to face your demons with the statement: "I want to know the truth!", then you are the perfect candidate for Byron Katie's brilliant - simply brilliant - inquiry method.
"The Work" is a new level of introspection that I am now using with great results to work through my own personal problems and with my fabulous clients to help them work through some of their challenges. May it shine a light of clarity into your problems too. I am infinitely glad that I read this book.
On April 10th, I invited Ms. Byron Katie to come on to my show, The Daily Interaction podcast, for an interview and she said yes. I interview her in May and can hardly wait. What a treat for me and my listeners. Be sure to look up the show on iTunes and check it out. (less)
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Brian Johnson
Nov 16, 2008Brian Johnson rated it it was amazing
Shelves: modern-classics, female-author
“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.”
“There is no thought or situation that you can’t put up against inquiry. Every thought, every person, every apparent problem is here for the sake of your freedom.”
“Every story is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t be having this experience. God is unjust. Life isn’t fair.”
~ Byron Katie from Loving What Is
THAT, in a nutshell, is the book.
If you want to argue with what is, you will suffer. Period. In fact, “If you want reality to be different than what it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.” :)
The question, of course, is “How can we get to a point where we actually ‘love what is?’”
“I realized that it’s insane to oppose it. When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.”
Guess what?
What’s happening is happening and no amount of wishing on our end is going to make it any different in that moment. So, why not take a deep breath and reflect on the following: “How do I know that the wind should blow? It’s blowing!”
DO NOT argue with reality. You’ll lose. But only 100% of the time. :)
Let’s explore some of the Big Ideas:
1. Don’t Argue with Reality - You’ll lose.
2. Whose Business - Are you in?
3. Alarm Clocks - Set a compassionate one.
4. Your Projector’s Lens - And lint.
5. Inquiry/The Work - 4 Questions + turnaround.
My recommendation: Read/Re-read the book and let’s get to (The) Work.
Here's my video review:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRF4z...
And click here to find 250+ more of my reviews:
http://bit.ly/BrianReviews
Brian (less)
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Heather
Aug 03, 2012Heather rated it liked it
Shelves: self-help, nonfiction
As other readers have stated, this book was really hard to review. I didn't feel that the author was truly honest, for some reason. She presents herself as completely altruistic, but the dynasty that she is building through "the Work" doesn't seem to support that hypothesis. She comes off as a bit of a New Age nut, and the book is a little silly in parts.
But I have to admit that the four questions were insightful and actually helped me to see through a lot of issues I have been dealing with lately. I think that the questions are basic stuff for those familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy, but for some reason Katie's four particular questions really work. What the process did for me was to help me clarify my part in the difficulties I was facing so I could let the rest go. Maybe the book wouldn't be so interesting to others who are already are more self-aware than I am, but I liked learning to be more honest with myself. I think many people would be surprised to find the stress and frustration that they think others are causing are actually self-generated. Learning to ask myself "Can I really know that is true?", "How do I behave when I think that thought?", "Who would I be without that thought?" and "Is there any stress-free reason to keep thinking it?" will definitely become part of my self-talk from now on.
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Ashley
Jul 03, 2016Ashley rated it it was amazing
"Reality doesn't wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does." Byron Katie, pg 70.
When I am discontent, it is because I cannot accept some person, place or principle that is not as I want. I get stuck on the "shoulds". Even though I know I need to let it go, I'm not sure how. This book gives a very simple process of examining my thoughts. For this reason, I rate this book as a life changing five star.
Many of us cling to our story about how life has treated us. Our role as victim serves us well. This book will not be helpful to those of us unready to examine our perceptions about life. However, if you are tired of reliving over and over pain and hurt, this book may offer profound relief and a new freedom from terminal thinking. (less)
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Ashley Hoopes
Dec 23, 2010Ashley Hoopes rated it it was amazing
I give this book five stars because I think that it is a profound idea that Byron Katie is introducing- especially for those who are tormented with the weight of worry about those people and circumstances around them that they feel as though they have some power to control. It was a breakthrough for me, to have permission to let go of some worries that I felt duty-bound to carry with me throughout life. Often, these questions pop up in my daily trains of thought, and cause me to re examine what I held as truth. It does have it's limits, in my mind, though Katie would disagree. In some circumstances, it does not work. But in freeing the mind, and giving inner peace, it was a must read for me. I highly recommend it. (less)
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4.5 out of 5 stars
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Sangii
5.0 out of 5 stars A good book to have as a hard copy.Reviewed in Australia on 27 January 2020
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Every now and then, I need to hold a book in my hands... this is one of those books. I now have Byron Katie’s philosophy on audio, electronic and paperback. I’ll use the paperback to make notes, hold her words in my hands and “do the work”.
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Patricia Chant
5.0 out of 5 stars Be Happy.Reviewed in Australia on 28 July 2019
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Believe this book is very good to help with every problem & learn not to stress or worry. I myself have not read it yet but was suggest for me by a new age phycolagist who visits me at the nursing home I live
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Rose Weaver
5.0 out of 5 stars Mind openingReviewed in Australia on 6 December 2016
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A thought provoking, unique take on reframing thinking to live a freer, fuller life. Definitely worth reading. I intended to re-read this often to further grasp the concepts and application as I have had great results already. I don’t recall my mind ever being so clear, or my being so calm.
3 people found this helpful
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Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Extremely Life ChangingReviewed in Australia on 4 December 2021
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I haven't enough words to express how grateful I am for Byron Katie, her work, the process of enquiry she shares and this book.
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars InsightfulReviewed in Australia on 5 January 2022
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For those on the journey of self discovery. Gentle, beautifully written and it may just change how you think about the world.
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Linda Hamilton
5.0 out of 5 stars What can I say? This extraordinary book has become ...Reviewed in Australia on 6 June 2018
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What can I say? This extraordinary book has become my faithful companion! As I read and re-read, I deepen further and further. Whether you are new to The Work or not, this is essential reading :)
One person found this helpful
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Cinamon Laughton
5.0 out of 5 stars Beautifully presented giftReviewed in Australia on 3 October 2019
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Book was purchased as a gift for a client .
Beautifully gift wrapped and delivered on time .
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Kathryn
5.0 out of 5 stars I love this book and The WorkReviewed in Australia on 17 November 2016
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Changed my life. I love this book and The Work.
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Jamie H
1.0 out of 5 stars If you do have a serious mental illness or have suffered abuse or trauma please stay away.Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 28 August 2019
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I bought this book because I’d read a quote of the authors that summed up a situation I was in. The first couple of chapters are ok. A bit simplistic. Basically CBT but written in a way that made sense. As I read on the book just became repetitive. It was like she was just trying to hit a word count. It was so repetitive that it almost became confusing. If I was the editor on this I could have cut it down to just one chapter. The remainder of the book is mostly transcripts of her live sessions. This is where the book gets problematic. Letting go of your hatred is ok for a spat with your neighbour but someone with no training in psychology should not be dealing with people with complex mental illnesses. The chapter that particularly worried me was the one on the abuse victim. The way she handled this was incredibly harmful, basically making the poor woman blame herself for her abuse when she was 8. The language she uses is typical of a ‘self help charlatan’. I would not waste your money. If you do have a serious mental illness or have suffered abuse or trauma please stay away. This book could only cause you further harm.
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Elena
1.0 out of 5 stars Loving to be a victimReviewed in the United Kingdom on 12 February 2020
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I started watching Byron Katies videos some time ago and they helped me very much to accept my situation, to stop arguing with the past and to move forward in my life. That was good. I bought this her book as a New Year present for myself. But then, the more I read and observed, the more uncomfortable and even alarming things emerged.
“Nothing terrible has ever happened except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares”. “When I’m walking to the gas chamber, other than what I’m thinking and believing, what an amazing day!” - Byron Katie.
Was it an amazing day for Jewish kids in 1944? Byron Katie teaches us not to think about it.
In one interview BK said that all the problems that we’re dealing with are non-existent.
- People come to you with very bleak stories of abuse, rape, bereavement, even murder. Do those stories shake you up? Do you feel sorry for them?
- No. Never. I know that they’re perfectly all right. They only believe their thoughts.
She writes that she had suffered from years of depression, anxiety, compulsive eating, substances abuse, suicidal thoughts.
Then she had a profound experience which lead her to understanding that “I am a lover of what is… because it hurts when I argue with reality”. She started to teach an acceptance of what is and love it.
I my opinion it is nothing else as rationalisation of traumatic experience and coping mechanism. It is OK if that is her choice. The problem starts when learned helplessness is taught to people with C-PTSD, PTSD, bipolar, depression etc.
It’s like a person who learned how to cope with severe symptoms of an illness by taking huge doses of morphine claims to cure all other ill people with any kind of illnesses just by offering them same huge painkiller doses. No treatment, no therapy. Just take your pill and shut up.
She is not offering work with trauma, with your shadow self, triggers, memories. She can’t. She has no training in psychology whatsoever. She is a guru or “spiritual mentor”. She earns money by abusing victims and trauma survivors, she refuses to listen to them and invalidates their very self. But I think she is a victim who cannot stand others to be not one.
What she does is quite similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but CBT focuses on correcting our mental patterns and teaches how to change destructive believes and behaviour, while BK teaches us how to question all our thoughts, experiences, feelings.
Despite her claims she is not teaching people to accept the reality. She is teaching them to believe in the illusion where they are helpless, and where they cannot protest against harm even mentally. She teaches victims of abuse that their abuser did not cause heir suffering. If that is not a victim blaming, what is?
Of-course, it is important not to be stuck in the traumatic past, and see the difference between things that are in our control and things that we cannot change. She emphasises that she does not preach passivity, according to her we can go further and change our reality. The problem is that she does not give as rights to own the reality. “The reality” is a “turn around” of our experiences, an empty tulpa.
She pressurises people to “turn around” their experiences and question their reality. If that is not a gaslighting, then what is?
If this is done against healthy people – it’s just a questionable practice. If it had been done to people with mental health problems, especially suffering from C-PTSD and PTSD – it’s more dangerous than that.
She sits on stage and tries to convince people that racism is not a problem, that the pollution of the earth is not a problem – that it’s our reactions that are the problem.
Privileged, arrogant and deluded? I doubt it. I think it’s deeper than that. She learned how to live in a survival mood, accept her helpless status and love it.
I think her main interest apart from earning money is power. She was helpless against her abusers and could not change her life. Now she is teaching others how to love to be a victim and enjoy her guru status. To be a guru, or “spiritual mentor” nowadays is to be elevated to the highest level. Here, on stage, she can bully others and feel superior taking credit for helping without willing to help.
Victims in survival mood often struggle to help others, struggle to sympathise. When she sat next to a man who was dying, she said to him that she does not care. In one of her books she said that she will nor resist throwing her baby into the fire in the concentration camp.
Horrible? Well… you must question yourself and turn it around.
Love what is, in all situations. No critical thinking needed. Individuals alone are responsible for their own well-being or suffering. Isn’t it so convenient for establishment? For people in power?
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First time customer
1.0 out of 5 stars Simplistic and disappointingReviewed in the United Kingdom on 26 December 2018
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I had heard so much about this book but was very disappointed. It is best summed up as 'Very, very basic CBT for Dummies'. The author's personal story is interesting but the method for overcoming depression, anxiety etc is simply very basic CBT - ask yourself whether your thoughts are true, challenge your negative thoughts with rational ones. The author's example about working with a woman who had suffered childhood sexual abuse was frankly alarming as it almost suggested she was complicit in her abuse. There are far better books out there - try Dr Claire Weekes on anxiety or Richard Carlson on negative thinking.
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Kay Scott
1.0 out of 5 stars Illogical, Inauthentic, DisappointingReviewed in the United Kingdom on 19 May 2019
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My head was hurting with the strain of dealing with the illogical basis of this book.
How can it be helpful to turn your truths around and call them lies?
How does it end suffering to say - and then believe to be true, that your abuser is the victim and you, the wronged, are the abuser? No, this book is not for me. "Loving What Is" lacks both commonsense and compassion.
It could be that Byron Katie is extracting from the premise, held in both Eastern and Western spiritualities, that we are all connected, both good and evil, and that somehow the connection transmutes to love and good. But if so, the theory is not explained or developed, and instead there are gaping holes in the logical flow of this book, and it feels as if the reader is being hectored and demeaned to answer the questions in only one way.
We are all different and unique individuals with varying stories of personal suffering. These stories can be resolved, I believe, by kinder methods.
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KR
1.0 out of 5 stars Dreadful and patronisingReviewed in the United Kingdom on 24 July 2020
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Byron(Katie's ?) main thing which she laughably and self-importantly refers to as "The Work" consists of asking oneself 4 questions about a situation that is causing pain in one's life. The first of these is "Is it True ?" Well, duh !
Seriously- she is getting paid big bucks for writing this utter tosh. Second question ? Can I really know that it is 'absolutely true ? Well, ok Katie/Byron , let's say I'm in Gaza or being bombed by Israeli airstrikes ok ? Can I be sure that it is absolutely true ? Katie wants us to say "No" but I don't want to play ball. Honestly it is such utter rubbish. Her whole mantra is to "accept" what "Is". So that means being passive although of course she doesnt say that because that wouldn't shift any of her books.
Avoid at all costs.
I feel I have been cheated. Sadly fell for the hype machine.
Ignore it.
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