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Done: How to Flourish After Leaving Religion (APA LifeTools Series) Kindle Edition
by Daryl R. Van Tongeren (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 9 ratings
This book draws from cutting-edge psychological research to provide advice for people who are undergoing religious change.
Americans today are leaving religion in record numbers. For many, the faith, practices, and institutions that once provided comfort and guidance no longer fit their beliefs and values. This shift often comes with a price, however. While turning away from religion can bring about freedom, awe, and wonder, it can also engender a profound loss of meaning, purpose, community, and identity. It can threaten our relationships with friends and family. And it can pose a significant challenge to the mental health of even the most resilient among us.
How can people who are no longer served by traditional religion find new meaning and purpose? How can they process the grief that often accompanies religious or spiritual change? And how can they address challenging interpersonal relationships with people who do not support or understand their religious change? In this book, psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren draws from psychological theories and research to examine the emotional and social processes involved with religious change and offers science-based guidance for building a new life—with or without religion.
If you are rethinking your religious beliefs, have experienced religious loss or struggle, or have undergone a significant religious change, you are not alone. By understanding how people before us have left or transformed their religion, we can discover new ways of finding peace, experiencing meaning, and, if desired, engaging with the transcendent. Let their wisdom—and this book—be your guide.
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About the Author
Daryl Van Tongeren, PhD, is an associate professor of psychology at Hope College. A social psychologist, he has published over 200 scholarly articles and chapters on meaning in life, religion, virtues, and well-being, and his work has been supported by numerous grants from the John Templeton Foundation.
He was named a 2016 Rising Star from the Association for Psychological Science, won the Margaret Gorman Early Career Award for APA's Division 36 (Psychology of Religion and Spirituality) in 2022, and won the Early Career Contributions Award from the International Society for the Science of Existential Psychology. Visit www.darylvantongeren.com for more information.
Product details
ASIN : B0CNJGGDG2
Publisher : APA LifeTools (18 June 2024)
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 9 ratings
About the author
Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.
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Daryl R. Van Tongeren
Daryl R. Van Tongeren, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Hope College. As a social psychologist, his research focuses on meaning in life, religion, and virtues. He loves asking deep and enduring questions about what it means to be human. His research has been covered by the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and NPR, and has been funded by several external grants. He has won numerous awards for his research. In his free time, he enjoys running marathons and surviving triathlons. You can learn more about Daryl's work at darylvantongeren.com.
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Preston
5.0 out of 5 stars Invaluable Insight on How to Manage Existential Anxiety without ReligionReviewed in the United States on 8 September 2024
Verified Purchase
I've read countless memoirs on spiritual deconstruction from the ex-evangelical Christian perspective, so it was refreshing to find a book that utilizes actual scientific research to examine why people leave religion, as well as how our brains process the transition.
The section on "Religious Residue" was especially informative, as anyone who has left religion altogether or even deconstructed to a less-rigid form of spirituality knows that the shadow of religion never truly leaves. As Dr. Van Tongeren points out, people often completely change their beliefs when they leave religion, yet they may hold onto their new beliefs in a similar fashion as to the old beliefs, such as when an ex-fundamental Christian turns to liberal politics but holds their new beliefs with the same level of certainty and narrow-mindedness as they formerly held their religious beliefs.
Fortunately, although this book courageously explores the anxiety of what the author calls the "existential chasm," he also takes a hopeful angle in the second half of the book, providing guidance on how post-religious people can still find meaning, an identity, and community without having to take part in religious systems.
I would also note that although this book is geared toward those who have left or are leaving religion, the author's tone toward both religion and those who have been hurt by religion is very gracious. This book is not anti-religion in any sense but is simply meant to help those who have found religious systems to be harmful or otherwise unhelpful for various reasons.
Regardless of where someone is at in their deconstruction, reconstruction, or complete abandonment of religion, anyone who grew up in a high-control religious setting will find illuminating insights and practical guidance in this book for moving forward with hope and the tools to flourish.
Read less
One person found this helpfulReport
Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Compassionate and scientific book with lots of practical adviceReviewed in the United States on 15 August 2024
Verified Purchase
This very well written book is full of empathy and the wisdom. The author is one of the world experts on people modifying or abandoning their religious beliefs. He also weaves in personal experiences but has the broad perspective to not assume that his journey will be the same for everyone (a characteristic not shared by some reviewers of the book). In fact, his research and his talking to many people has provided insights into different patterns or trajectories.
And for each of these paths, he provides copious suggestions for navigating one of life's most challenging and emotional situations. For example, he talks about "religious residue" or the tendency for religious folks to still hold onto many of the beliefs and behaviors for years. He explains why this happens and gives suggestions on how to move forward. He also discusses how psychologists talk about three components of meaning (coherence, significance, and purpose) and how all people, religious or not, seek meaning. Those who completely leave religion often lose, in one fell swoop, much of their social life and their primary goals in life. Things no longer make sense. This upheaval is so challenging to address, but the author provides example case studies, insights from therapy, and practical advice for people at various stages of this process. He also talks about religion versus spirituality and how different forms of spirituality may fit different post-religous individuals. Highly recommended!!!
Read less
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Michaeleen
5.0 out of 5 stars So well written and so relatableReviewed in the United States on 29 August 2024
Verified Purchase
I love that this book was created out of a research study focusing on those who have left religion. It is written very neutrally, and easy to read and also with a research mindset. There are so many important topics covered in this book that he articulates so well. There are concepts in this book I have never heard or read covered in a way that is so incredibly validating. It is a must read if you have left religion of someone you love has left religion.
Report
Linda
1.0 out of 5 stars Inaccurate Title for Useless BookReviewed in the United States on 3 August 2024
Verified Purchase
Although advertised as part of an APA LifeTools Series, this book is hardly a "life tool." The subtitle, "How to Flourish After Leaving Religion' is also inaccurate as it does not offer any real strategies for flourishing. This is a cold, dry sociological survey full of statistics and diagrams that basically leaves the reader unhelped. A scholarly analysis of the problems of those who leave religion is not the same as an actual solution. I'm not sure what I was expecting to learn here but if I knew the answer to that I probably wouldn't have felt the need to buy a book on the subject! The author divides reasons for leaving into categories (cutely nicknamed "The Four Horsemen") and then offers alternative responses that different people had (return to their original starting place, change things up a bit to make their faith more palatable, give everything up to join a nonreligious group, devote oneself to social change, etc.) I have no quarrel with the author's qualifications or research, but I wanted actual help and "Choose Your Own Adventure" is hardly a profound tool for "flourishing." I kept reading long past the point where I had any hope that this book would be helpful because the author described a real tragedy in his own life that ruined his faith and I felt I owed him some attention, but after a while I stopped caring. I am sorry the author's brother died, but I don't contribute to Go Fund Mes for strangers and I would not have bought this if I'd realized reading it would be a waste of my time and money. I am posting this review to keep other potential readers from making my mistake.
Read less
3 people found this helpfulReport
Bandy Family
5.0 out of 5 stars A Crash-Course in Religious PsychologyReviewed in the United States on 13 August 2024
Verified Purchase
This book is perfect for anyone seeking to truly understand religious psychology and their own (or a loved one's) experience of religious change. It's not a "how-to" book, in that it doesn't provide quick fixes, easy answers, or checklists for those who are "done" with religion. Rather, it allows readers to address the mechanisms of their own thinking by shedding light on the difficult emotional, social, and intellectual issues "dones" face through the lens of psychology, cross-cultural research, and personal experience. I also really appreciated the author's tone and kind advice for dealing with loved ones still entrenched in religion, as well as his evidence-based honesty and hope.
Report
Product details
ASIN : B0CNJGGDG2
Publisher : APA LifeTools (18 June 2024)
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 9 ratings
About the author
Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.
Follow
Daryl R. Van Tongeren
Daryl R. Van Tongeren, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Hope College. As a social psychologist, his research focuses on meaning in life, religion, and virtues. He loves asking deep and enduring questions about what it means to be human. His research has been covered by the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and NPR, and has been funded by several external grants. He has won numerous awards for his research. In his free time, he enjoys running marathons and surviving triathlons. You can learn more about Daryl's work at darylvantongeren.com.
Read less about this author
Top reviews
Top reviews from Australia
There are 0 reviews and 0 ratings from Australia
Top reviews from other countries
Preston
5.0 out of 5 stars Invaluable Insight on How to Manage Existential Anxiety without ReligionReviewed in the United States on 8 September 2024
Verified Purchase
I've read countless memoirs on spiritual deconstruction from the ex-evangelical Christian perspective, so it was refreshing to find a book that utilizes actual scientific research to examine why people leave religion, as well as how our brains process the transition.
The section on "Religious Residue" was especially informative, as anyone who has left religion altogether or even deconstructed to a less-rigid form of spirituality knows that the shadow of religion never truly leaves. As Dr. Van Tongeren points out, people often completely change their beliefs when they leave religion, yet they may hold onto their new beliefs in a similar fashion as to the old beliefs, such as when an ex-fundamental Christian turns to liberal politics but holds their new beliefs with the same level of certainty and narrow-mindedness as they formerly held their religious beliefs.
Fortunately, although this book courageously explores the anxiety of what the author calls the "existential chasm," he also takes a hopeful angle in the second half of the book, providing guidance on how post-religious people can still find meaning, an identity, and community without having to take part in religious systems.
I would also note that although this book is geared toward those who have left or are leaving religion, the author's tone toward both religion and those who have been hurt by religion is very gracious. This book is not anti-religion in any sense but is simply meant to help those who have found religious systems to be harmful or otherwise unhelpful for various reasons.
Regardless of where someone is at in their deconstruction, reconstruction, or complete abandonment of religion, anyone who grew up in a high-control religious setting will find illuminating insights and practical guidance in this book for moving forward with hope and the tools to flourish.
Read less
One person found this helpfulReport
Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Compassionate and scientific book with lots of practical adviceReviewed in the United States on 15 August 2024
Verified Purchase
This very well written book is full of empathy and the wisdom. The author is one of the world experts on people modifying or abandoning their religious beliefs. He also weaves in personal experiences but has the broad perspective to not assume that his journey will be the same for everyone (a characteristic not shared by some reviewers of the book). In fact, his research and his talking to many people has provided insights into different patterns or trajectories.
And for each of these paths, he provides copious suggestions for navigating one of life's most challenging and emotional situations. For example, he talks about "religious residue" or the tendency for religious folks to still hold onto many of the beliefs and behaviors for years. He explains why this happens and gives suggestions on how to move forward. He also discusses how psychologists talk about three components of meaning (coherence, significance, and purpose) and how all people, religious or not, seek meaning. Those who completely leave religion often lose, in one fell swoop, much of their social life and their primary goals in life. Things no longer make sense. This upheaval is so challenging to address, but the author provides example case studies, insights from therapy, and practical advice for people at various stages of this process. He also talks about religion versus spirituality and how different forms of spirituality may fit different post-religous individuals. Highly recommended!!!
Read less
Report
Michaeleen
5.0 out of 5 stars So well written and so relatableReviewed in the United States on 29 August 2024
Verified Purchase
I love that this book was created out of a research study focusing on those who have left religion. It is written very neutrally, and easy to read and also with a research mindset. There are so many important topics covered in this book that he articulates so well. There are concepts in this book I have never heard or read covered in a way that is so incredibly validating. It is a must read if you have left religion of someone you love has left religion.
Report
Linda
1.0 out of 5 stars Inaccurate Title for Useless BookReviewed in the United States on 3 August 2024
Verified Purchase
Although advertised as part of an APA LifeTools Series, this book is hardly a "life tool." The subtitle, "How to Flourish After Leaving Religion' is also inaccurate as it does not offer any real strategies for flourishing. This is a cold, dry sociological survey full of statistics and diagrams that basically leaves the reader unhelped. A scholarly analysis of the problems of those who leave religion is not the same as an actual solution. I'm not sure what I was expecting to learn here but if I knew the answer to that I probably wouldn't have felt the need to buy a book on the subject! The author divides reasons for leaving into categories (cutely nicknamed "The Four Horsemen") and then offers alternative responses that different people had (return to their original starting place, change things up a bit to make their faith more palatable, give everything up to join a nonreligious group, devote oneself to social change, etc.) I have no quarrel with the author's qualifications or research, but I wanted actual help and "Choose Your Own Adventure" is hardly a profound tool for "flourishing." I kept reading long past the point where I had any hope that this book would be helpful because the author described a real tragedy in his own life that ruined his faith and I felt I owed him some attention, but after a while I stopped caring. I am sorry the author's brother died, but I don't contribute to Go Fund Mes for strangers and I would not have bought this if I'd realized reading it would be a waste of my time and money. I am posting this review to keep other potential readers from making my mistake.
Read less
3 people found this helpfulReport
Bandy Family
5.0 out of 5 stars A Crash-Course in Religious PsychologyReviewed in the United States on 13 August 2024
Verified Purchase
This book is perfect for anyone seeking to truly understand religious psychology and their own (or a loved one's) experience of religious change. It's not a "how-to" book, in that it doesn't provide quick fixes, easy answers, or checklists for those who are "done" with religion. Rather, it allows readers to address the mechanisms of their own thinking by shedding light on the difficult emotional, social, and intellectual issues "dones" face through the lens of psychology, cross-cultural research, and personal experience. I also really appreciated the author's tone and kind advice for dealing with loved ones still entrenched in religion, as well as his evidence-based honesty and hope.
Report
===
Done: How to Flourish After Leaving Religion
Daryl R. Van Tongeren
4.27
11 ratings5 reviews
This book draws from cutting-edge psychological research to provide advice for people who are undergoing religious change. Americans today are leaving religion in record numbers. For many, the faith, practices, and institutions that once provided comfort and guidance no longer fit their beliefs and values. This shift often comes with a price, however. While turning away from religion can bring about freedom, awe, and wonder, it can also engender a profound loss of meaning, purpose, community, and identity. It can threaten our relationships with friends and family. And it can pose a significant challenge to the mental health of even the most resilient among us. How can people who are no longer served by traditional religion find new meaning and purpose? How can they process the grief that often accompanies religious or spiritual change? And how can they address challenging interpersonal relationships with people who do not support or understand their religious change? In this book, psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren draws from psychological theories and research to examine the emotional and social processes involved with religious change and offers science-based guidance for building a new life—with or without religion. If you are rethinking your religious beliefs, have experienced religious loss or struggle, or have undergone a significant religious change, you are not alone. By understanding how people before us have left or transformed their religion, we can discover new ways of finding peace, experiencing meaning, and, if desired, engaging with the transcendent. Let their wisdom—and this book—be your guide.
Genres
Religion
Nonfiction
Self Help
227 pages, Paperback
Published July 23, 2024
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Courtney
270 reviews
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August 21, 2024
A non-emotional, research-based description of the two directions people go after leaving a religion or religious experience: atheism or total faith reconstruction. It highlights key steps in the process including concepts like “religious residue” and ultimately ends with the conclusion that a deep sense of humility (including acceptance of your strengths & weaknesses, keeping your ego in check & considering others) is the way to maintain relationships moving forward. If a reader is undergoing reconstruction, this book does not give a lot of tools for supporting that process but it does provide high level awareness about potential pitfalls in that process.
religious-studies
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Camden Morgante
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1 book
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August 22, 2024
I love a book that translates psychological research and concepts into practical knowledge for a general audience! This is a more academic and objective book on deconstruction/deconversion so it has less practical tips and tools than others. But the research on why people leave and how religion sticks to us explains so much. The second half of the book addresses ways to flourish after religion, such as tackling existential questions, identity, relationships, and spirituality. I appreciated that the author acknowledged the good/healthy parts of religion too, and the harmful parts of deconstruction (existential chasm). Less prescriptive than descriptive, this book will give language to your experience and help you rebuild a meaningful life with or without religion.
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Linda
177 reviews
2 followers
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August 4, 2024
Although advertised as part of an APA LifeTools Series, this book is hardly a "life tool." The subtitle, "How to Flourish After Leaving Religion' is also inaccurate as it does not offer any real strategies for flourishing. This is a cold, dry sociological survey full of statistics and diagrams that basically leaves the reader unhelped. A scholarly analysis of the problems of those who leave religion is not the same as an actual solution. I'm not sure what I was expecting to learn here but if I knew the answer to that I probably wouldn't have felt the need to buy a book on the subject! The author divides reasons for leaving into categories (cutely nicknamed "The Four Horsemen") and then offers alternative responses that different people had (return to their original starting place, change things up a bit to make their faith more palatable, give everything up to join a nonreligious group, devote oneself to social change, etc.) I have no quarrel with the author's qualifications or research, but I wanted actual help and "Choose Your Own Adventure" is hardly a profound tool for "flourishing." I kept reading long past the point where I had any hope that this book would be helpful because the author described a real tragedy in his own life that ruined his faith and I felt I owed him some attention, but after a while I stopped caring. I am sorry the author's brother died, but I don't contribute to Go Fund Mes for strangers and I would not have bought this if I'd realized reading it would be a waste of my time and money. I am posting this review to keep other potential readers from making my mistake.
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Mike Readsbooks
4 reviews
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August 11, 2024
This is the book I wish I had when my religious deconstruction started. Highly recommend for anyone on the journey, or anyone who wants to better understand the things facing someone going through religious deconstruction or deconversion.
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preston
3 reviews
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September 9, 2024
I've read countless memoirs on spiritual deconstruction from the ex-evangelical Christian perspective, so it was refreshing to find a book that utilizes actual scientific research to examine why people leave religion, as well as how our brains process the transition.
The section on "Religious Residue" was especially informative, as anyone who has left religion altogether or even deconstructed to a less-rigid form of spirituality knows that the shadow of religion never truly leaves. As Dr. Van Tongeren points out, people often completely change their beliefs when they leave religion, yet they may hold onto their new beliefs in a similar fashion as to the old beliefs, such as when an ex-fundamental Christian turns to liberal politics but holds their new beliefs with the same level of certainty and narrow-mindedness as they formerly held their religious beliefs.
Fortunately, although this book courageously explores the anxiety of what the author calls the "existential chasm," he also takes a hopeful angle in the second half of the book, providing guidance on how post-religious people can still find meaning, an identity, and community without having to take part in religious systems.
I would also note that although this book is geared toward those who have left or are leaving religion, the author's tone toward both religion and those who have been hurt by religion is very gracious. This book is not anti-religion in any sense but is simply meant to help those who have found religious systems to be harmful or otherwise unhelpful for various reasons.
Regardless of where someone is at in their deconstruction, reconstruction, or complete abandonment of religion, anyone who grew up in a high-control religious setting will find illuminating insights and practical guidance in this book for moving forward with hope and the tools to flourish.
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