Bonds that Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves: C. Terry Warner: 9781629722153: Amazon.com: Books
Bonds that Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves: C. Terry Warner: 9781629722153: Amazon.com: Books
Life can be sweet. Our relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues, and family members can be wonderfully rewarding. They can also bring heartache, frustration, anxiety, and anger. We all know the difference between times when we feel open, generous, and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded, defensive, and on edge.
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. How many times have you said,You're making me mad!
Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.
Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.
It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives, writes author C. Terry Warner. Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own.
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.
============
About the Author
Dr. C. Terry Warner holds a Ph.D. from Yale University and is a professor of philosophy at Brigham Young University. He has been a visiting senior member of Linacre College, Oxford University, and in 1979 founded The Arbinger Institute, a widely respected group that devotes itself to helping organizations, families, and individuals. he and his wife, Susan, have ten children.
Product details
Paperback: 346 pages
Top Reviews
Miss F
5.0 out of 5 starsThinking outside yourself is so freeingFebruary 20, 2016
Format: Kindle EditionVerified Purchase
I love this book. I bought the hard copy and the the kindle edition to keep on my phone. Reading it helped me think about people in ways that are more generous and kind to people in general. It also helped me think about how I react to others in general. I don't reread a lot of books, but I try to reread this one at least once a year.
If you are frustrated with your relationships, the people you work with, or even just the people in line at the store, READ THIS BOOK!
One of the main principles:
"Others will detect little clues of tone and expression, revealing how we really feel, even when we take pains to pretend otherwise....[T]hey're not likely to respond gratefully, but more likely to accuse us in return. And then we, in turn, will take offense, convince by their accusing response to us that we were right to accuse them in the first place!"
It all goes back to the golden rule. If we treat people well and with genuine good will and charity in our hearts, they will react to us in kind.We can all take a few seconds to give someone the benefit of the doubt before accusing them of being out to get us as they cut us off in traffic, say something hurtful, or do something we don't like or understand.
I actually had a major chance to apply these principles recently.
I was in a bad car accident recently because someone dropped a queen size mattress on the freeway and I had to slam on my brakes and was rear ended. I was so mad at the stupid idiot who didn't take the time to properly secure their load and obviously didn't care about others. When the mattress owners showed up to pick up their mattress, not knowing they had caused an accident, they were a young married couple who probably didn't know that much about properly securing loads on a borrowed truck. Although there were consequences that needed to be faced, I was not killed or seriously injured, and I had been judging them as though they had intentionally dropped the mattress maliciously. I realized that I was wrong to think of them in that way. It was an accident. Everyone involved had insurance, and they probably learned a very valuable lesson from the experience.
9 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
Jonesy
5.0 out of 5 starsI would give it ten stars if I could.July 20, 2017
Verified Purchase
I have read and reread this book, and need to read it again. It is beyond my ability to describe the changes it can make in your heart and in your relationships. I have already given away a few copies, and this one will go as a gift to someone very special in my family. I recommend this to anyone who has ever wondered what they can do to enhance their relationships, relate better to all those they interact with or learn to forgive past hurts. It does not, contrary to what a few reviewers have said, suggest that we become doormats or victims in any relationship, but read thoroughly and completely it empowers us to grow stronger and become part of the solution. After reading this I picked up Leadership and Self-Deception, Anatomy of Peace and the Outward Mindset by the Arbinger Institute, which C. Terry Warner helped to create. They fit beautifully with Bonds That Makes Us Free
5 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
irondori
5.0 out of 5 starsLife changing! Can't recommend it more!May 16, 2018
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
I love this book and how it opened my eyes to my relationships and more importantly, how I respond to outside circumstances. It teaches how to effectively make the changes that will bring more control to your life, better relationships and made me happier. I couldn't recommend it more!
At first, it felt like it was repetitive, but each lesson added nuances to situations and helped me to see myself more clearly. It was hard to do that without seeing some of the control and change encouragement along the way in the first half, but truly changed my life for the good! I think I went through an entire highlighter and will read this book again- and I never reread books! I also listened on audiobook.
Last, I got this to help me learn more about codependency and how to change it. I learned the skills I was lacking and didn't feel a need for a therapist after learning this. What a blessing!
2 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
bnbhan
5.0 out of 5 starsPowerful & Profound; 10 years later and I still consider this book the jumpstart of my transformationMarch 14, 2017
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
This is my FAVORITE relationship book I've ever read. It has changed my life in powerful ways, and I continue to use it as a resource and recommend it to anyone asking for ways to find greater peace in their lives and relationships. I learned so much about myself, and so much about how to find greater happiness and love with the people I interact with. The author is gifted with an ability to share stories and experiences that I related to, and I found myself having numerous lightbulb moments of understanding with ways to change my own behavior, thoughts, and feelings allowing me to have a happier life and relationships. I didn't know how much I needed this book when I began reading it, but it changed my life for good and has continued to be a strong foundation for the joy and freedom I experience today. I consider this book as a more in-depth version of The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception. It's a life-changer!
3 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
Barry28
5.0 out of 5 starsThis is one I'll read throughout my life over and over againApril 25, 2014
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
I purchased this book during a particularly rough period in my life. I was seriously considering divorce after 23 years of marriage. I was not able to see past my own hurt and pain and after reading the book, I was able to honestly access my role in our issues and almost like a light bulb going on, was able to begin to change me and how I was reacting to my wife which made a world of difference. This book literally saved my marriage. If you're looking for a book that will make you feel good about "standing your ground" or gaining some kind of advantage at the expense of others, this isn't it. However, if you are looking for a book that will literally change the way you view your role in the lives of the people that surround you every day, I have read nothing better. I have purchased additional books for my older children and consider this the best book that they could possibly read as a "pre-marriage" help guide. This extends to relationships with friends, relatives and co-workers. Apart from scripture, the most inspired book that I have ever read.
7 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
See all 211 reviews
Want to Read
Rate this book
1 of 5 stars2 of 5 stars3 of 5 stars4 of 5 stars5 of 5 stars
Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
by
C. Terry Warner
4.34 · Rating details · 3,672 ratings · 631 reviews
Life can be sweet. Our relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues, and family members can be wonderfully rewarding. They can also bring heartache, frustration, anxiety, and anger. We all know the difference between times when we feel open, generous and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded, defensive, and on edge.
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. (How many times have you said, "You're making me mad?")
Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.
Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives," writes author C. Terry Warner. "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own."
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.
(less)
Hardcover, 368 pages
Published August 10th 2001 by Shadow Mountain
Original Title
Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
ISBN
1573459194 (ISBN13: 9781573459198)
Edition Language
COMMUNITY REVIEWS
Showing 1-30
4.34 ·
Rating details
· 3,672 ratings · 631 reviews
Filter
|
Sort order
Jun 29, 2011Alan rated it it was amazing
Authored by the same man who founded the Arbinger Institute, the pages are drenched with emotionally wrenching truths. In his words, you find lenses that slowly correct the our distorted view of ourselves, and those around us.
If you intend on getting anything at all from this book, it will first ask you to lay on the table all of your habits, behaviors and perceptions, and re-examine them under a magnifying glass held by the author. Having done so, you will likely find what you see difficult to swallow - you will discover that many things you do in your life, which you might otherwise ascribe to love, concern, or otherwise pure motives... are at least to some degree driven by a distorted sense of self, and a distorted perception of others. It becomes our Achilles Heel - tainting and undermining our relationships with others.
It will be a difficult read - with the good news being that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We have the capacity to reveal those distortions and correct them. In that process we start to heal ourselves, and heal our relations with others. The end result being, we find ourselves enlaced with bonds of true friendship, of deep and lasting love, of trust and charity. The bonds which in the end prove to be liberating. The bonds that make us free.(less)
flag19 likes · Like · comment · see review
Mar 28, 2009Tricia rated it it was amazing
Can I give this book six stars? Seven? Hands down, the best self-help book I have ever read. I hate to even put it in the "self-help" category, because it sounds entirely too trite for what this this book is really about. At the very least, I would say it's more like a "how-to" manual for life.
My friend Stephanie gave it to me years ago, and while I started it, I never finished. I just wasn't in a place that I 'got' it. But now I am reading it for the second time, this time taking notes. Honestly, I feel like I've never read anything that resonated with me so much! Every page felt like a new adventure, every paragraph absolutely filled with insight and new understanding. I feel like my eyes have opened for the first time and I see every relationship in my life differently. Now if I can just be humble enough to apply it! (less)
flag11 likes · Like · comment · see review
Apr 06, 2008Valerie rated it it was amazing
Shelves: books-that-changed-my-life
Life Changing Book. I've read it twice and as soon as I get my lent copy back, I'm going to read it again. It's a book that peels the blinders off our eyes so we see our true motivations for what they really are--in order to be better afterward. A bit of a painful read (I'm attached to some of my delusions about myself :) ), but it's been life changing and very rewarding in my relations, familial and friend. Read it!
flag7 likes · Like · comment · see review
Apr 01, 2008Mehrsa rated it it was amazing
I recommend this book to anyone who has ever been in any relationship. It will change the way you view the world, yourself, and every one of your relationships. It's genius.
flag6 likes · Like · comment · see review
Sep 24, 2017Jacob rated it liked it
Shelves: from_library, nonfiction, psychology
This book has some very interesting and groundbreaking ideas if you haven't encountered them elsewhere. As the back text says, it presents the idea that "we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others." And it's not wrong. From a certain perspective, that's very true, and from that same perspective it is indeed "within our power to stop them." I think everyone should at least be exposed to these ideas, because they can be incredibly useful to improve one's own life.
The author even presents examples and descriptions, so you can know if his advice applies to you, if you "identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives". This is helpful if you are self-aware enough to recognize you are identifying with what the author says and honest enough to admit it.
I have two problems with this book. One is that the advice is narrower in scope than the author would like to believe. Don't get me wrong, it can be incredibly useful; there are many cases where, if you are angry, or hurt, or jealous, etc. it is more because of you than anyone else and you can change your life powerfully by opening yourself up and loving and appreciating others for who they are. However, there are cases where that isn't the problem, and while the author grudgingly admits abuse isn't the victim's fault, in general he insists that if you don't think his advice applies to your situation, then you are simply blind and need to realize that it does (he feels the applicability of his advice is nearly universal). I think there is space for people who hurt but don't hate, and who love but don't express it in unhealthy ways, and it's not helpful to tell those people that their problems are their own fault and they're just not recognizing it when they are not in fact feeling jealousy, envy, or insecurity. Maybe I'm just naive in thinking there are people like that, to whom the advice doesn't apply. However, I can think of another case where the advice doesn't apply that I don't remember the author addressing: mental illness.
The other problem I have with the book is that, as an engineer, it's too much a "proof of concept", where it is expressed as something that *can* work if everything happens correctly, but not as something that can *reliably* work if not all the conditions are right. The author has spent a lot of time working on this, developing the idea, giving seminars, and yet has no advice for how to achieve his described nirvana if things don't work the way he says. The only advice is to keep trying, in perpetuity if need be. The example he uses took 5 years to work out. It would have been more convincing if the author had included failure stories, where things didn't work out, and if he'd had some idea why.
Other than a need to better define the situations in which this advice applies and to provide some support for making it work in non-optimal situations, the advice here is good and powerful and a lot of people's lives would be better off if they learned these ideas. (less)
flag5 likes · Like · comment · see review
Mar 24, 2008Cherry rated it liked it
This book is SO heavy, SO wonderful, but SO heavy. I cried and cried and cried when I read this book, because I always what to be So much better than I am and this book really HIT me in the face with a lot of things that I do incorrectly in relationships and when I read it I was just so hard on myself that I knew it would be good for me to read again when I felt a little better about myself. It is also hard to read and then observe people not taking responsibility for their actions and feelings because you want to point it out to them (and you know how people enjoy having you point out things like that to them). I really think that this book helps people look at themselves in a deeper way. It is one that I feel I should attempt to read every couple of years. (less)
flag5 likes · Like · comment · see review
Aug 09, 2007Rachel Wagner rated it it was amazing
Shelves: religionself-help
I dare you to read this book and not be changed. There were a few points I disagreed with- such as his unique views on abuser/abused forgiveness. However, that is a small flaw in a very insightful book.
flag5 likes · Like · comment · see review
Feb 21, 2010James rated it it was ok
Why only 2 stars? It was an easy read and worth the time. However, it was not super original. The main point is about "self deception." When you do not get along with another person, you are deceiving yourself [etc...:]. You can feel better if you treat people with love, and others will respond well. The book can be summed up with, forgive others and think of them positively (especially when you are cheezed off or hurt because of them). [Additionally it gives some advice that I disagree with.:] However, the book is full of generally sound advice for people looking on ways to live in harmony with others, especially their family members. Remember, 2 stars is not a bad rating, I just do not like it as much as the 3 star books. - I did not think it was as good as Seven Covey but he makes some good points. (less)
flag4 likes · Like · 4 comments · see review
Dec 29, 2007Megan rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: anyone seeking a more positive world view
For me, this book was fantastic, perhaps even life changing. It's a psychological discussion based on LDS principles, and it really does show a way to improve relationships in all circumstances. The basic premise of the book is that WE are usually the source of any problem situation we're having with people, because we choose to take offense or hold a grudge. Warner postulates that when we betray our inner sense of right and wrong, our compass is then mixed up, and sometimes we think we're doing "good" things when really we're doing them for the wrong reasons and worsening the situation by doing so. Hence, self-righteousness and perfectionism. The meat of the book is better than its jacket made it sound, I thought. The only down side is that it's a bit lengthy, and it takes him awhile to get to the point. The first six chapters are all about defining the problem, so you don't get any solution thoughts at all until halfway through. Be patient! It's worth it. I found the last chapters in particular to be extremely helpful. And there are stories in here that are unforgettable, that apply to so many people, and that will wrench your heart. I truly believe this approach can be successful for healing all types of relationships, even the most troubled.(less)
flag3 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
Nov 13, 2017Keri rated it it was amazing
In terms of being inspired to be a better person, the only book better than this—for me, at least—is “To Kill a Mockingbird.” If you have ever yearned to be just like Atticus Finch, this is the how-to book to make that happen. Even in moments when I might not have wanted to hear it, the raw truth contained in the principles, the stories, and the inspiring invitations hit home with such clarity that I could hardly keep from letting go of any bonds of resentment I have ever had, and replace them with empathy, forgiveness, and unconditional love. (less)
flag3 likes · Like · comment · see review
Feb 17, 2008Kim rated it liked it
Recommends it for: those seeking change
Shelves: non-fiction, personal-growth
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Wow, this is a powerful book with brilliant insights. But, as with anything that makes us stop and evaluate ourselves, it was a very difficult read. In fact, it's probably time for me to return to its pages (if I could just get "out of the box"...)
flag3 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
Aug 05, 2018Aria rated it it was amazing
Warner’s thoughtscape is very reminiscent to me of The Work laid out in Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, which changed me. I can feel my heart space shifting in its seat as I listen, looking forward with heaviness for all the changes that Truth will ask of me but somehow excited to feel my spirit grow toward a homecoming with its true self. As I worked through the material presented here I knew it was asking me to change my heart because I could hear myself noticing all the changes my loved ones needed and few of my own. It is encouraging to hear from Warner say that just being willing to notice the gift of other’s humanity and vulnerability and suffering, to see them as a You and not an It is enough to give our heart fodder to change, even it we can’t directly be in charge of the timing of our shift. I can see Christ in this work and hope to know Him better and be more free and whole as He is by loving bigger and throwing my pride into the fire. Deeply loved his thoughts on intent and how serving others to make ourselves feel validated will never be true life-giving service and leaves us empty still. My home is where I struggle the most with these issues and I’m full of hope that I can find more inner peace and stillness by implementing these reminders, despite how anyone responds to my trying. (less)
flag2 likes · Like · comment · see review
Apr 22, 2018Jackie rated it really liked it
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
flag2 likes · Like · comment · see review
Jan 12, 2019Sean Taylor rated it it was amazing
Everyone should read this book, especially those that have been seriously hurt by others.
flag2 likes · Like · comment · see review
Nov 11, 2009Tracy rated it liked it
Another book in my never-ending quest to improve my communication and relationship skills. When it is good, it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is horrid. And by horrid I mean too over-simplified for my liking.
Very good insights on how easy it is to blind ourselves to our own wrongdoing by pointing to the wrongdoing of others. I like these two quotes:
"The fable is that our accusing, self-excusing feelings such as anger, frustration, bitterness, self-pity and so on are signals that we are in the right. The fact is, such feelings are signals that we are in the wrong."
"Understanding self-betrayal and self-victimization can soften our accusations of others, open us to acceptance of their efforts, and enable us to let go of our accusing attitudes and emotions."
The author suggest that we find ourselves feeling accusatory and blaming others, we should always ask ourselves "Might I be in the wrong?" and "What is the right thing to do?" There is a whole lot more about HOW to do that.
All of this is well and good. Very applicable skills for use in everyday life and relationships for sure. My family is already benefitting from my improved attitude and efforts to abandon blaming and to be more aware of my part in any negative collusions we might have going on around here.
What bothered me was some of the stories he used to illustrate his point. I thought he went too far when he used stories where someone who was the victim of verbal abuse and even sexual abuse and then suggested that those people needed to "repent of their unforgiving feelings about what had happened and even ask their abusers to forgive them for those feelings." I am not a psychiatrist, but I think that there's a whole lot more to it than that. Some of the examples really stunk, and even took away power from the ideas the book was suggesting we adopt.
I MADE myself finish this book. Because the good ideas were so helpful to me, I made myself gut through the parts I disagreed with. (less)
flag2 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
Apr 28, 2012Karene rated it it was amazing
I read this for the first time in college, and again about six months ago. It is life changing. I identified deeply with the fundamental concept that each person is responsible for the nature of his/her relationships with others. The book is full of real life examples of how this plays out in many types of relationships, and I found myself able to identify right away the ways this was happening in my life. Not only that, but the book is written in such a way that I found it crystal clear what I needed to do to make changes. The difficult part: keeping it fresh in my mind so that I can apply it on a regular basis. This is a book I will want to reread on a regular basis. (less)
flag2 likes · Like · 2 comments · see review
Apr 15, 2012Ruth rated it it was amazing
Don't read this book if you don't want to be confronted by your own self-deceptions--or if you don't want to be aware of your pride and work to change your behaviors. It's a tough book, mostly because it's so unflinchingly honest. It's a book that most of us probably need to read and ponder daily in order to confront the oh-so-common ways we deflect, dodge, and weave away from the things we need to do to make our lives and relationships better. However, if you're prepared to be honest and open, you'll be amazed. Life changing--but only if the reader is open and humble, and ready to become responsible. (less)
flag2 likes · Like · 1 comment · see review
