by Gary B. Lundberg | Goodreads: 
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships
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2000, 336 pages
4.15 · Rating details · 846 ratings · 158 reviews
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.
Joy Saunders Lundberg is a writer and speaker. Together with her husband Gary Lundberg she presents seminars and workshops throughout the country and cohosts a weekly radio show on relationships. The parents of five children, they live in Provo, Utah. Meet them on their Web site at www.allbetter.net.
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In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of fixer and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends. (less)
Average rating4.15 · Rating details · 846 ratings · 158 reviews
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Juliana
Feb 28, 2008Juliana rated it it was amazing
After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.
To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."
Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.
Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.
I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.
This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex yet interrelated. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.
The previous book reviews, in order, are:
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Top reviews from the United States
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Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars
This book changed and improved my life.
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2018
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This is the 4th time I have purchased this book. It helped me so much in dealing with my mother, who has borderline personality disorder, that I have purchased it 3 additional times for others that are faced with similar relationships as mine.
Probably the most life-changing concept that I learned from this book is that when you do everything for someone else, you are taking away the opportunity for that person to learn from their experiences.
Because of this book, I have been able to let go of the guilt when I say 'no' to my mother's constant requests for my attention and help. Don't get me wrong, my mother is 83 years old and needs help. But when she calls me, crying, because she can't get the tv to work, I don't drop everything in order to go fix her tv. I suggest to her that she listen to a book on tape or find another activity. She may not be happy with me, but this book has given me the courage to say 'no', or when to say 'I'll get to it when I can', and not feel guilty about it.
I'd recommend it to anyone in a similar situation as I am, or any parent that tends to do everything for their children.
14 people found this helpful
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Jerianna
May 27, 2011Jerianna rated it it was amazing
This book is a life-changer. I read it in bits and pieces and have tried to digest it and make it a part of who I am and how I respond to people. It has already changed the way I treat my children. I have a really long way to go...Something is better than nothing, I guess.
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Tiffany
May 14, 2016Tiffany rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-improvement
Wow! This book just crossed my path for a moment, and I am so glad I took the time to read it. I am constantly feeling guilty either about not being able to help when I want to, or about being manipulated into helping when I don't want to help others solve their problems. And I know I need to work on being a better listener. This book addressed the issue of being a great listener, validating others, and keeping healthy boundaries in a respectful way.
The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships. There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents & in-laws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job. Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow!
My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember: (view spoiler) (less)
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Bryan Tanner
Jan 24, 2018Bryan Tanner rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help, aaa-worth-owning
This was the most-influential book I read in 2017. (I usually finish a book in a week, but I labored over this one for a month.) This book taught me that I lacked many invaluable emotional/listening/change management skills, which I desperately needed in all my important relationships (e.g., romantic, family, service, friends).
Takeaways:
1. I am not responsible for other people's problems. I am only responsible for my own.
2. I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to. Evidence: when has telling someone (emotional) to do something ever worked out really well for them? Never.
3. People are more capable than we think (even children). Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (when they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board).
3. Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live.
4. The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them until they feel listened to and understood.
5. If you continue along someone's emotional path as a non-judgemental friend long enough, a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways act in dealing with their problems. These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than what I might have come up with.
6. Therefore, not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel. Staying silent is. I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and ask compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions.
Other valuable ideas/quotes:
Validation is "the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction."
4 Rules of Validation:
- Listen (by giving your full attention)
- Listen (to the feelings being expressed)
- Listen (to the needs being expressed)
- Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)"
"The universal need of every human being" is "to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me."
"The underlying principles that allows a person to effectively validate someone else" is "a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better."
The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem.
"The four key elements of effective boundary setting" are "be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm."
Never attempt to teach when the person is upset or in the heat of the moment. Cool down, and find another time.
Good validating phrases/questions:
- "That's got to be hard.
- I think I might have felt the same way.
- How did you feel about that?
- What do you think might work?" (less)
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Keith
Jul 30, 2020Keith rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
Shelves: marriage, self-help
I don’t have to make everything all better. All I have to do is listen!
Listening is hard to do. We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem. It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were. Don’t prescribe, just listen.
Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.
Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”
“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree. (Introduction)
“...every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)
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Contents
Part 1: The Principles
1. Be an effective validator
2. Leave the responsibility where it belongs
3. Acknowledge emotions
4. Develop the art of listening
5. Find the right time to teach
6. Learn the effective validating phrases and question
Part 2: The Application
Chapters illustrating validation in various setting follow
Conclusion
1. What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ...”
2. What are the four rules of validation?
- LISTEN (by giving your full attention)
- LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed)
- LISTEN (to the needs being expressed)
- UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)
3. What is the universal need of every human being?
4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?
5. Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?
6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?
7. When is the right time to teach?
8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266-267 of 272)
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It is written with lots of anecdotes. At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to. After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book. I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.
I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages. (less)
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Rachel M.
Feb 23, 2019Rachel M. rated it it was amazing
Lund’s ideas really resonated with me. I’ve been trying to be better about how I react to my kids (mis)behavior and this really helped me think how to stay calm and give them the validation they need.
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Betsy
Jul 04, 2013Betsy rated it it was amazing
This is a fantastic book. I can't recommend it enough for "fixers" like me, who really do just want to make it all better. Practical advice that works to help heal relationships and to keep hurt feelings and misunderstandings at bay. I have begun to incorporate the principles espoused in this book and I can tell you they work beautifully. I believe reading this has saved my relationships with my daughters. I can't put it more strongly than that. Most times people want validation of their feelings, not advice or criticism. I know for me, when I go to someone for sympathy and to vent, and instead get "I told you so", or their own stories, it makes me resentful of not being heard. This book made me realize how often I do that as well, and it's past time for a change. (less)
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C Janet
Feb 21, 2015C Janet rated it it was amazing
Shelves: good-read
This should be mandatory reading for every parent. Commonsense approach for learning to walk beside someone but not take on their issues. This is our 5th copy. We originally purchased this book in the late 1990's. We have given 4 copies away to friends and have had wonderful feedback. Just dealing with our adult children, we find we have to reread this to know how to support them emotionally but not solve their problems. Wish I had had this book while raising kids!!! Excellent! Truly a good read. (less)
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Grandma
Jul 09, 2008Grandma rated it liked it · review of another edition
Recommends it for: parents, family members, friends
Recommended to Grandma by: Cindy Brown
I am learning how to respond to husband, friends, family
when they ask for advice that you don't do a put-down but instead a validation. It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.
Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem. It even works on children. (less)
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Bethany
Jan 19, 2018Bethany rated it it was amazing
Shelves: emotions-boundaries
This book was a complete perspective-changer for me. It gave me tools to set boundaries that I have been wanting to set for a long time. For some it may be overly simple or not broad enough, but for me it came at just the right time (recommended from an amazing friend) and gave me just what I needed. Very clear examples of how to practice the principles that are taught.
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Caroline
Nov 01, 2014Caroline rated it it was amazing
Shelves: brainy
IT's the love and logic book for adults and other relationships. I need to read again.
-no advice, make people figure it out on their own
-teaching moments come later, not in times when the emotions are high
-empathy
-ask questions to help them come to own solution.
(less)
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Dominique
Feb 06, 2020Dominique rated it really liked it
I was surprised at how much I liked this book. Reading it was obligatory for book club, and I’m not usually a “self-help” type book-lover. But I gave it a chance for book club and was pleasantly surprised. This book doesn’t present any new concepts, but the way it explains them makes so much sense.
It is practical and applicable and makes you want to apply the principles right away, because I want to be listened to and understood as well!
I thought it was very freeing to be told I’m not responsible for others’ problems, and also very humbling for when I’ve tried to solve others’ problems when I should have been listening. I thought it had a good amount of examples to see how it applies, and although there was quite a bit of repetition, it wasn’t annoyingly done. I liked the chapters of how to validate and listen to the many people and relationships we have in our lives. It’s also not a very long book which was a good thing.
I would recommend this book to everyone. (less)
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R.C.
Nov 30, 2017R.C. rated it really liked it
Shelves: wisdom
This book is almost 20 years old, slightly dated, and still relevant. I picked it up because I know I have a tendency to get caught up in others' problems, but I never realized how much I try to give advice when I should instead be listening and offering support. I'm not one of those people who sees others as slackers who want me to fix everything for them, but I do often want to give advice, which cuts short my attentive listening and can annoy whoever I'm talking to. This book gets a bit repetitive in its examples, and it would have been nice to have a bit more discussion of using the principles discussed with coworkers instead of customers/family, but still, it's thought-provoking and has already made me attempt to change how I interact with others. (less)
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Greg
Oct 25, 2020Greg rated it liked it
Shelves: personal-development, religion-and-spirituality
Really liked the first chapter in which Lundberg explains his ideas on empowerment. Appreciated the next couple of chapters as well, but then I realized the remainder of the book was simply applying the same principles in different situations. Sometimes it was worthwhile, but more often it was either so obvious that it was unnecessary, or else it was enough of a stretch that I thought there were better ways to handle the situation.
My advice? Read the first 20% of the book to understand his ideas ...more
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Karin
Mar 02, 2019Karin rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help, parenting, communication-skills, breastfeeding
This was such a breath of fresh air. Just listen. Listen and validate.
This book is older and I assumed it would be full of manipulation, but it wasn't. Until you get to the chapters on children (who "learn to manipulate early") and blended families.
Other than that, the theory chapters were wonderful and I wonder how I went so many years not having read it. I will be remembering his phrases and questions. I am already able to integrate this into my communication with others. And I have added it to my own communication sessions. (less)
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Julia
Feb 24, 2020Julia rated it liked it · review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
- Quick read, with pretty simple concepts.
- I liked how they provided chapters specific to certain relationships (co-worker, parents, children, blended families, etc).
- There is a Christian undertone throughout, with references to morals, prayer and at one point the Bible is suggested as an additional reference.
- This book is more for people who are new to holding boundaries and the concept of validation.
- I was hoping this would be more focused on how to alleviate the feeling of being responsible to help anyone who needs it; this book is more focused on how to redirect conversations. (less)
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Aimee
Feb 23, 2021Aimee rated it it was amazing
This was given to me by a friend when I took on some new leadership responsibilities at my church. I found it an enjoyable read with, as promised, practical principles. Clear examples of everyday situations also helped to visualize how to use validation and support to help others solve their own problems.
These are not new ideas, I don't even think they were new when this was written in the 1990s, so it may feel like a repeat of other books. That said, I would still recommend it to everyone. Put ...more
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Erin
Nov 06, 2020Erin rated it it was amazing
I wish I had known about this book 18 years ago! My parenting would have been so different! Luckily, the principles taught in this book not only apply to small children, but teenagers, adult children, spouses, aging parents, friends, and co-workers! I have learned the importance of listening and validating others, letting them talk and figure out their own solutions to problems. There are very relatable examples and suggestions throughout this book!
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Joan Kay
May 10, 2018Joan Kay rated it it was amazing
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I recommend this book frequently to clients. It is an easy-to-read, practical guide to some basic communication skills which will enrich all your relationships. Those with adult children who are having a hard time "launching" seem to find it particularly helpful. (less)
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Jeff Merrill
Jan 26, 2020Jeff Merrill rated it it was amazing
His ideas seem simple at first, but in application, they are quite profound. He explains how validating others better helps them with their problems while freeing you from the (false) sense of responsibility to solve their problems for them. I expect this book to have a lasting impact on all my relationships.
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Olea
Sep 19, 2021Olea rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
Such a fantastic book! It helped me so much in creating better skills to communicate with my daughter as she transitioned into adulthood. I only wish I'd known it existed years ago! My communication and relationships could have all been better for so much longer! Definitely recommend!! (less)
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Customer Reviews: 4.6 out of 5 stars 223 ratings
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Brian Carman
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Book! Addresses every human's issue of value and meaning.
Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2013
Verified Purchase
Many of us don't understand that we can't be happy because we won't let ourselves be happy. We've been scared of feeling our emotions of fear or resentment or other tough emotions. As children, we often get the subconscious message that we aren't important, our emotions don't matter, and people don't care about us.
In I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, we learn that every human has a basic need to feel that they have worth, their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. It gives six principles for how to treat others that way. It has several examples of how to apply these principles with our children and others so they feel they have worth, that their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. And if we're smart, we'll start to treat ourselves and our own emotions in the same way so we, too, can feel our feelings like we're made to do. Our feelings are where we "feel" fulfilled. If we're always stuffing them so we can't feel them, we won't be able to truly feel fulfilled (joyful and peaceful).
Following these principles allows people to keep their problems and gives them the freedom to figure their problems out on their own with maybe just some carefully placed, considerate questions. We never have to take on someone else's problems (unnecessary weight on our shoulders). We never have to fix anyone's problems, because we can't make anything all better for anyone. We can only do that for ourselves, and so others must do that for themselves, too. And it's very gratifying for us and them when this happens, especially with our kids. No more need to control our kids emotions. There's now a method for letting them feel their emotions to let them process and pass. Then the problem solving can begin for the child. We don't have to fix their problems. We just have to be supportive in the right way and let them find their own solutions. This takes a huge weight off our shoulders as parents. This book can benefit just about anyone.
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15 people found this helpful
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molly
5.0 out of 5 stars !!!RELIEF!!! & world peace
Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2011
Verified Purchase
Strongly recommended for clergy and husbands. You can not give advice until it is begged for, many light years from now. Shut up and surrender to listening.
Q. How can I offer social support without taking on the burden of other peoples problems?
A. Active Listening
summary:
The art of listening means I don't have to fix it, just feel. I do not have to solve the problem necessarily, just validate and dignify the feelings and experiences of others. (i.e. "That must be hard"!) I can offer emotional support while leaving the responsibility where it belongs. No one is more capable of solving our problems than those who understand it best, ourselves. We just want to know that we are not alone. To Listen seems simple enough but it is an acquired skill and takes practice. Listening is an Art. Feel with me. It's healing to cry together. "Mourn with those that mourn" - easu
active listening is..
..reflecting back feelings: *Acknowledge feelings: mad, sad, glad, afraid *Paraphrase, summarize and ask questions *Body Language, show interest, keep them talking. Active listening is an effective service we can do every day.
so, what you're saying is..
We do not have to agree ("yes", "uhuh"), Only observe ("hmmm", "oh", "ah", "wow"), ask open ended questions, use validating phrases and paraphrase. Find ways to relate. Learn to say no. "no. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help." or "no. ask me again sometime."
shut up and listen
Sigmund Freud use to exhaust himself trying to help his clients, and solve their problems. Finally he got depressed himself, gave up, and just sat there listening to people talk. He discovered that the more people talk the more they are able to resolve their own psychosis and get things in perspective. He encouraged them to keep talking through active listening skills, asking them 'open' ended questions such as: *"how does that make you feel"? *"Tell me more about.." *"Wow. I hear your joy, frustration, anger, fear.."
advice
Advice can sound critical because it may way oversimplify complex experiences. If we must we can express our concerns in the form of a question so that it does not sound presumptuous, judgmental and alienating. But that can wait for the right teaching moment and another conversation entirely. The right teaching moment is 'not' in the heat of the moment. For now build relationships, give the gift of time, attention, and just listen.
open ended questions
*Oh? *I hear you saying.. *So what you're saying is.. *Is that correct? *What does that mean? *How did you feel about that? *What did you do? *And then what did you do? *What would you like to do? *When do you think it could be done? *What do you think the outcome will be? *What do you think might work? *What do you think would work next time? *Are there other options? *What happened? *How did it happen? *Where did it happen? *When did it happen? *What did you think? *How could you stand it? *How did you stand that? *And then what did you say? *What do you think caused the problem? *What's wrong? *What went wrong? *What was that like? *Did you enjoy that? *Did that hurt your feelings?
validating phrases
*Oh *I'll bet that's hard *That would hurt *I think I might have felt the same way *That must be frustrating *I'm so sorry that happened to you *Wow! *That's interesting *What a difficult position to be in *That's awful! *I don't blame you one bit. *That's wonderful! *That was good. *I'm happy along with you. *I'm happy for you. *I'm sad with you. *That's painful *I'll bet that was difficult *I feel like crying, too. *What an awkward situation to be in *That was amazing *I'll bet that was fun *That's neat *I'll bet you'll miss him *I would have been embarrassed, too *That's exciting *I never thought of that *What a good idea *What a good way to handle that situation *That just might be the best solution *Well, if that doesn't beat all *Oh, my goodness. *Oh, no! I know how much that meant to you. *That's a tough spot to be in. *That's a real bummer *That's got to be a real challenge *Tell me more
vocabulary of feelings
Don't make it personal, stick to how you feel. "I feel.." vs "you are.." State level of intensity, strong, moderate, mild.
fear
terrified, frightened, intimidated, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror stricken, stage fright, dread, vulnerable, paralyzed, - afraid, scared, fearful, apprehensive, jumpy, shaky, threatened, distrustful, risky, alarmed, butterflies, risks, awkward, defensive - nervous, anxious, unsure, hesitant, timid, shy, worried, uneasy, bashful, embarrassed, ill at ease, doubtful, jitters, on edge
care
tenderness toward, affection, captivated, attached to, devoted to, adoration, loving, infatuated, enamored, cherish, idolize, revere, honor, worship - caring, fond of, regard, respectful, admiration, concern for, hold dear, prize, taken with, turned on, trust, close - warm toward, friendly, like, positives toward,
glad
thrilled, on cloud nine, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, elated, sensational, exhilarated, fantastic, on top of the world, turned on, euphoric, enthusiastic, delighted, marvelous, great, cheerful, lighthearted - happy, serene, wonderful, up, aglow, glowing, in high spirits, jovial, riding high, elevated, neat - glad, good, contented, satisfied, gratified, pleasant, pleased, fine
mad
furious, enraged, seething, outraged, infuriated, burned up, pissed off, fighting mad, nauseated, violent, indignant, hatred, bitter, galled, vengeful, vicious - resentful, irritated, hostile, annoyed, frustrated, upset with, agitated, mad, aggravated, offended, antagonistic, exasperated, belligerent, mean, vexed, spiteful, vindictive, uptight, disgusted, bugged, turned off, put out, miffed, irked perturbed, ticked off, teed off, chagrined, cross, dismayed, impatient,
sad
desolated, dejected, hopeless, alienated, depressed, gloomy, dismal, bleak, in despair, empty, barren, grieved, grief, despair, grim - distressed, upset, downcast, sorrowful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, weepy, rotten, awful, horrible, terrible, blue, lost, melancholy - unhappy, down, low, bad, blah, disappointed, sad, glum
hurt
crushed, destroyed, ruined, degraded, pained, wounded, devastated, tortured, disgraced, humiliated, anguished, at the mercy of, cast off, forsaken, rejected, discarded - hurt, belittled, shot down, overlooked, abused, depreciated, criticized, defamed, censured, discredited, disparaged, laughed at, maligned, mistreated, ridiculed, devalued, wronged, mocked, scoffed at, used, exploited, debased, slammed, slandered, cheapened - put down, neglected, overlooked, minimized, let down, lonely - isolated, abandoned, all alone, forsaken, cutoff - lonely, alienated, estranged, remote, alone - left out, excluded, lonesome, distant, aloof
confused
bewildered, puzzled, baffled, perplexed, trapped, confounded, in a dilemma, quandary, full of questions, confused - mixed up, disorganized, foggy, troubled, adrift, lost, going around in circles - uncertain, unsure, bothered, minimized, let down, disconcerted, frustrated, in a bind, ambivalent, disturbed, helpless, embroiled, uncertain
inadequate
worthless, good for nothing, washed up, powerless, helpless, impotent, crippled, inferior, emasculated, useless, finished, like a failure - inadequate, whipped, defeated, incompetent, inept, overwhelmed, ineffective, lacking, deficient, unable, small, insignificant, unfit, unimportant, incomplete, no good, immobilized, lacking confidence, unsure of yourself, uncertain, weak, inefficient
shame
guilt, humiliated, unforgivable, disgraced, horrible, mortified, exposed, sick at heart, ashamed, guilty, remorseful, crummy, to blame, lost face, demeaned, regretful, wrong, embarrassed, at fault, in error, responsible for, blew it, goofed, lament
our biggest vice is advice
Paradigm- "Seek first to understand Then to be understood" ~Stephen R. Covey. Do not let our certainty be a mask for insensitivity. We are keenly aware of our own challenges, or others perception of them. We do not need to be reminded. "Thank you anyway, I got it covered." To actually feel with others can be cathartic for us as well. The Lundberg's book is almost total relief of stress, suffering and it is the answer to world peace. Must be required curriculum in our schools. Print this out now. Buy up all used copies and give them to your friends, spouse, colleagues, and clergy. Learn a new language and end stress and suffering. Live happily ever after.
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10 people found this helpful
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David K.
5.0 out of 5 stars Easy to read; Simple to do; Incredible results
Reviewed in the United States on December 14, 2017
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This is such a wonderful book with knowledge that can change relationships in the simplest manner. It is a quick and easy read, and is not filled with a dozen new things you need to learn. Yet the change it creates is astounding! I've begun practicing what I've learned and have had amazing results. And it works for everyone. When I've finished reading it I will start again so I can keep the information fresh in my mind to change the way I communicate and interact with others. It's like The Bible for Good Relationships.
4 people found this helpful
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Kay
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and Practical Book
Reviewed in Canada on April 27, 2019
Verified Purchase
If only I remembered to always follow the book's advice!! Easy to read and understand where the author is coming from. I took notes to condense the book, and periodically review them. The methods do work. It's hard to change one's regular behaviors, so I personally need to remind myself to use the advice from the book. Of all the advice books I've read in my lifetime, this is by far the best one. It's all about validation, having others feel that they are understood (you don't have to agree with them, but you can still understand their point of view). Just that de-escalates lots of tensions. Now if only I can stop giving advice.....
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Jessie
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read
Reviewed in Canada on August 14, 2019
Verified Purchase
Almost done reading this and the advice while practical and logical is often not practiced. A good reminder and after implementing some of the recommendations it has improved many aspects of communication with my loved ones.
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MTJ
