Childhood Scars-Dawren
Soft White Underbelly
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129,034 views Nov 5, 2024 #softwhiteunderbelly #marklaita #adversechildhoodexperiences
Soft White Underbelly interview and portrait of Dawren, a Placentia, California man who survived a difficult childhood.
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Transcript
Follow along using the transcript.
Show transcript
===
Transcript
all right Darren Darren uh
where'd you grow up where are you from originally
I'm from
Busan South Korea oh really mhm and
you came to the US when
um when I was 16
tell me about your family um my father was a
writer but he wasn't successful so our financial situation was difficult so we had to live with my
grandmother and my grandfather had a second family so he only showed up a few
times a year my father was abusive um mentally
verbally and physically he was mentally ill and he
drank a lot a cute beat us on even
Street and one time he ran down the street he jumped kicked my mom in the
stomach uh while everyone was watching including my younger brother and
I and on the top of that um my grandmother was very difficult to handle
she hated my mom she had to make every little thing about my
mom so my mom was very unhappy in the
family my parents always fought and I remember the
plates flying and smashing on the floor and I remember she yells at him
she was going to divorce him so but afterwards she came to me and
looked me in eyes she just say that to threaten my dad
and it was relief for me each time CU I trusted
her and one day my brother and I were watching TV
and I knew something was going on my mom was
packing and she walked out of the door and we knew she wouldn't come
back we just sat there pretending to watch
TV cuz we didn't know what was happening we didn't know what to
do then I was 10 and my brother was seven
but that Mor chased me hunted me like all all my
life why didn't you do anything why didn't you say anything I could could have grabbed her leg and begging not to
go each time I I blamed
myself somehow my old neighbor found out about the news I'm sure my grandmother
told everyone so when other people found me
on the street they just came to me with the questions why she live who's cooking now
is she ever going to come back I questions I cannot even
answer I felt like I was naked I also so embarrassed and
vulnerable so since then I try my best to hide my past and my
weaknesses so after my my mom left it was just my dad who had to take care of
us we moved to smaller house and my grandma got her own
apartment I was really angry I was really angry at my dad and my
grandmother for driving my mom away
and after 3 years my dad told me told us he was
going to Canada alone to make some money and real like okay just another
thing happening we didn't think it was like wrong or
um out of ordinary
he left us again just like my my
mom so after he was gone every day my brother and I had to
figure out what to eat every day in the beginning we had some money so we bought
what we want to eat like junk food but as our budget was getting low
we had to survive with instant noodle where were you living you weren't living
with your grandparents it was just us too we were just living we were just
trying to figure out just two of us the grand parents didn't come in to help you
no so I was 13 and my brother was
10 and I felt like just it was just raining on us and
we were just getting socked in the rain we didn't even know there was umbrella cuz no one really helped
us so we were eating instant noodle every day and we came down to the point that
we could only afford a pack one single pack of tofu so we ate
that nobody told us what to do but we still went to the school and
finished our homework I remember we didn't have hot
water so we had to boil water to wash ourselves wash
clothes but we often skipped was we lazy we were just
dirty but you had a house yeah we had a house um one of our ants um
helped us financially she helped us for rent but she couldn't do it forever so
we stayed there alone for 6 month then
we were moved to um another uncle's house and then to grandmother's and
another aunt's house and back to Uncle's house we're just shuffled around the
relative we didn't plant Our Roots and 3 years later um my father um
invited us to New York and he was Mo he moved there and he got remarried so that
was 16 year old for me and 13 for my brother so we
reunited but my dad hasn't changed much and I was still
angry but we moved away for college but then I learned that my brother was
struggling he he told me he was going to end his life and I was really
shocked and I was scared so I just I made him move to my
school so I could keep eye on him but I was strugling too at the time
so I withdrew from college because I I had severe anxiety
and panic attacks thankfully my brother and I got
married to wonderful people but for
me my pain my my trauma caused a lot of issue in our
relationship after years my wife just when we were fighting she she just casually told me there isn't anything
she can do anymore but for me I felt being
abandoned again just like my parents did so I fell into this deep
depression I couldn't I didn't talk to anyone I was just crying for days and
month I became
suicidal and around that time my father called me and he needed
help he said he has a cancer stage four can colon
cancer I was already miserable but I had to see him every day I have to take care
of him he was even a angrier than before cuz he has to deal with the pain and I
was angrier cuz I was raising a kid and when I look at
him it remind me like horrible things my dad did to me when I was
young and even he refused to have a surgery last minute so he pissed up
doctors but he couldn't control the pain so he asked me please get rescheduled
the surgery so I had to go talk to the doctor and I have to back
them even after or surgery a day after he escaped the hospital with the needle
on but it wasn't the first time so I had to chase him down I have to call the
hospital and like apologize to people
but at the end there was nothing we could do except for hospice
care it was quite relief for me cuz I was getting
help there was someone who helped my dad and I had a second child so my wife
and I were working together again so I was slowly getting better then my wife suggest asked
me I should go to Korea to spend time with my mom so I went Korea for two months to
spend time with my mom and my stepfather it was it was 20 27 years after she left
us but to me this trip was to heal and
confront my pain and my trauma so while I was there we traveled
we talked a lot and I read a lot of books I studied them
like on trauma PTSD relationship and
Grace so I learned like important
things one of them was that I found my younger
self the anger hatred impatience that I have felt were from my
younger self the boy who didn't get much love much
attention like throughout my life like random thoughts coming up like little
sad stories I had it like one time my
dad bought KFC for my cousin not me and
there was a time I went to a baseball game game with my friends we didn't have money but someone off offered the food
we're taking a bite but when it was my turn there was nothing so these are
silly memories but I still had it I mean like my younger self had it so I decided
to revisit like all the places so I I tracked down the same KFC
went there and I asked him like what do you do you want to eat and we ordered bunch of food we ate it I asked him if
you're feeling better I went to a baseball game
and I got the best possible suit and we ordered Bunch again and ate
it I I talked to him again and also um visited all all the
houses that gave me trauma so I went to the street where my
mom was kicked and I went to the house where my mom left
us so in my head I was like Imagining the same
moment and when the thing happened I hugged myself and my brother
and telling them I know you guys are scared
it's okay to cry but um it's not your fault it's not
your fault and um another thing I learned was
about Grace and the meaning of forgiveness in ancient Greek to forgive
was to release and to let go so
I decided to let go of my pain my past and I decided to keep good memories
for people who hurt me so I the very first person to forgive
was my grandmother in
Korea uh we bury people on the mountains so I took a bus to the base
and and I walked like hours high up on the mountain and she
was buried next to my grandfather and I S sat down talked to
them telling my grandfather you might have caused my
dad's instability because you had second family you didn't take care of of
him and telling my grandma about all the hurtful memories that I carried
I forgave them especially my grandma I was still sitting there and
looking up on the sky I don't know how to describe the feeling but it was so incredible just to
let things go no I'm not exaggerating but the sky was also so beautiful and even like
walking down the mountain for hours was so happy so now when I think of my
grandmother I smile I also
forgave friends who bullied me I didn't meet them but truly in my
heart wish them better lives
and I had to forgive my mom there was a time I couldn't even
call her mom cuz she also had another family back then
but I know she carried the guilt her whole
life apologizing me every time we see each
other I couldn't talk to her face to face CU I I knew we will break it break
down into tears so on last day in Korea I left her
letter
last person I need to forgive was my that I didn't know how to cuz by then we
already moved to West Coast but anyway I came back to the
States and few days later I woke up in the middle of night I couldn't call back
to sleep I don't know why but I was feeling oh something is not right
and next day my brother called me he was rushed to hospital and he
didn't have much time so I booked a flight hoping that he
could make a little longer so I could go see him and talk to him forgive
him when I arrived at the hospital he was alive but he was like living corpse I I
could see he didn't have much my brother and I we prayed for him
we talked to him I forgave him and my brother and talked a
lot about our past and few days later somehow my father got a little
better he had better pulse and better blood pressure and I could see like he
could recognize Us in his eyes so I asked him that blink once for yes and
blink twice for no asked him do you remember anything we said before and he
blinked twice and I felt so blessed I felt like
it was a miracle that I could get to talk to him again forgive him
again so we my brother and I talk to him and I forgave him
again and that night we watched the baseball game on TV
just like our old days and three of us spent the last
night so I was thinking he would make longer so I decided to come back for my
family so I made final goodai I told him I'll this is the last
time I'll see you I'm keeping good memories with you
only and I love you that's first and last time I said
him I got back to LA it was suddenly
raining but my brother called me he passed away I was
outside I just lay down in the floor soaking in the
rain and I could remember the time when he was still in the hospital there's one Korean
nurse she came to me are you the son so
yeah oh and she told me like she's so sorry that she heard all the stories of
my dad and like she asked me if he ever apologized to me and then no but at the
point I didn't even want to hear that I didn't want him to say that cuz he's not like like
that but again like I'm laying down on the ground I feel like he's talking to
me somehow oh that saying sorry and I love you
too so I thought my life story came to close at that point cuz I
learned so much I regained my strength for my work and for my
family it wasn't over so I had this young
cousin the son of the aunt who financially helped us a lot when we were
kids he was coming to this country to study so like I to my
hand don't worry about him I got I got him you know don't worry about him he's
like a little brother to me so like when he came my wife and I took took him out
for dinner we talked and we could hear his
story that he didn't come here to study but to
escape because his sexual orientation was not appreciated in his family
and he had P painful story in the society so my wife and I
tried to provide provide him everything like we dropped off food and we invite him we have him over to our
house but he only called me when he needed something right and he was seeing
someone and he said he need he wanted
cosigner for his bigger apartment and I have to talk to my wife
it's about money and I told her about his mom
helped us a lot so I got to do it so we did it but soon
after they broke up and he was struggling so I had to make more efforts
to make him feel better and like you know make him come outside and to have dinner but he kept avoiding me maybe
next time like I'm not ready like I I'll call you next time around that time my uncle in Korea
called me and asked me to check on him so okay I couldn't reach
him so I called the apartment cuz I'm cosigner like give me the access but they only told me to call police
station I asked him why but they don't tell me anything I go called the police station
they couldn't find them and they also told me I'm not immediate family so they cannot tell me anything so I called
every possible way to get get in touch with
them no luck so I just went to the police station with his name written
down and the officer looked at me
with with um sorry face he's
deceased and I was frozen and I couldn't process in my head and I asked
him what like why how bunch of question but still I'm just his cousin he
couldn't tell me a thing so I I got the number of his investigator and like other people and
later I found out that he ended his own life
and uh people already talked to my aunt and it was the
process of like sending his body and his stuff back to
Korea so I blamed again blamed myself again because I was the only one who had
him here and I knew it even after my
and I I called her so many times to apologize her but she didn't pick up and
my another Uncle told me not to call her
anymore other family told me um it's not my fault but he's death
like waited so heavily on me
my life had to go on for my family but inside it it wasn't the
same my my life stopped so I I I I try to think of all
the thing happened in my life and I I could understand why still
things are happening to me why is it not
stopping and I again found myself thinking about
forgiveness I I have forgiven everyone except
myself maybe it's time to forgive myself for the
guilt for my mom's departure for not
taking care of my brother for causing to death and for the guilt I I put on
myself
I'm still on the journey to find a way to do
it but one day I hope my aunt wants to talk to me and forgive me
and maybe you could talk about how he was like here and what he was dealing with
but I know it will take time for so
long I HD my past my weaknesses but after all of
this I realized and I believe they are my greatest
asset my past my trauma my struggle how I
overcame became my strength to help
others I'm not a doctor but I want to help I want to say people in my own
way at least I don't want people to end their own
lives I I want people to [Music] find purpose and meaning of their
life everyone deserve the life they love
so I decided to use my asset and I decided
to be happy good for you yeah thank you
beautiful story thank you thank you Darren thank you thank you so much for having
me even though a soft white underbelly consists of a lot of videos It's really
still a photography project to me and if you appreciate the photography sometimes it's difficult to enjoy it
when it's scrolling down the screen which is the only option I had in this horizontal format on uh on YouTube so
last year we came out with the first soft white underbelly book which is a collection of the best portraits from the thousands of interviews I've done
each portrait in this book is accompanied by an interesting quote from the person's interview oh my
God there's more
wow these aren't as bad as I thought I look like a
witch I will not be reprinting this book when it sells out so once it's gone it's gone for good you can order yours at
softw underbelly dorg $125 $150 for a sign
copy thank you for watching
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