About The Book
A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski’s game-changing New York Times bestseller Come As You Are, featuring new information and research on mindfulness, desire, and pleasure that will radically transform your sex life.
For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart.
That is, until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them. In the years since the book’s initial publication, countless women have learned through Nagoski’s accessible and informative guide that things like stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it—and that even if you don’t always feel like it, you are already sexually whole by just being yourself. This revised and updated edition continues that mission with new information and advanced research, demystifying and decoding the science of sex so that everyone can create a better sex life and discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible.
About Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and the coauthor of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She has an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University.
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Raves and Reviews
“This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an absolutely necessary guide for all couples who want to understand the ups and downs in their own sex life. It is a must read!”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
“Emily Nagoski has written one of the most important books about sex any woman (or anybody else) could ever pick up, full of insights that are both fascinating and deeply useful. Synthesizing new research and theory about sexuality with old-school sex-positive information of the sort you didn’t learn in sex ed (unless, perhaps, you are a Unitarian, or Scandinavian, or lucky enough to be in Dr. Nagoski’s class), I guarantee Come As You Are will open minds and change lives.”
— Carol Queen, Ph.D., Founding director, Center for Sex & Culture
“Emily Nagoski is worth her weight in TED Talks, and Come as You Are is a master-class in the science of sex.”
— Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of She Comes First
“It’s the science of sex, decoded and demystified. Want to be educated on the latest findings about female genitalia? Of course you do. Empowering and sex-positive at best, this informative read makes for an enticing bedfellow.”
—Refinery29
“Lots of books — and articles and experts — claim to have the keys to transform your sex life. This one actually has it. It isn’t as fast as taking a pill, but it will last a whole lot longer. You will find no hot new bedroom moves — it’s that deeper-level soul stuff. You know, the stuff that actually works.”
—Salon.com
“Wonderful new language to help us articulate to women (and their lovers) what is going on.”
—Huffington Post
“Like a punch to the gut. When I read the passage that made me realize—after all these years—that I was not actually broken, I began to cry. . . . I wished [Nagoski] was someone who was actively in my life, someone I could reach out to for grounding every time I momentarily forgot the lessons in her book.”
—Book Riot
“Nagoski’s book deserves plaudits for the rare achievement of merging pop science and the sexual self-help genre in prose that’s not insufferably twee. . . . [Come As You Are] offers up hard facts on the science of arousal and desire in a friendly and accessible way.”
—The Guardian (UK)
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From the United States
John R.
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for all!
Reviewed in the United States on February 12, 2026
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Boy, this book should be read by every man and woman. Is gives you a very interesting perspective. You are good as you are. You can learn a lot of things. There are a lot of things that can be done to make everything a lot better for yourself and you can teach others as well
8 people found this helpful
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Keith Kendall
5.0 out of 5 stars You are normal
Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2025
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This book is very good. It is clear why Amazon rates it #1 in several of their (fine grained) categories.
It is packed with truth to counteract the lies about sexuality rampant in our society.
It is filled with approaches to improve one’s life.
In the conclusion is this paragraph:
“If you can remember even one of the ideas in this book—no two alike, brakes and accelerator, context, nonconcordant arousal, responsive desire, any of them—and use it to improve your relationship with your own sexuality, you’ll be helping me with that goal. And if you share any of these ideas with even one other person, you’ll be expanding the global space in which women can live with confidence and joy.”
It also continually reminds us: “You are Normal.”
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Gwen
5.0 out of 5 stars I recommend this book to all women
Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2026
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I couldn't put it down, I read it in one day. If you're a survivor of SA or have religious trauma, or if you're even just curious if you're missing something, I recommend it highly. She writes in an informal tone, and makes a heavy subject feel a lot lighter. I think all women should read it, and if you're a man at least read chapter 6 bc it'll help dissolve any guilt towards things you can't control.
18 people found this helpful
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Amy
4.0 out of 5 stars READ THIS BOOK 18+ WILL CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Reviewed in the United States on December 27, 2025
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I love this book. It teaches you a lot of things as an individual or a partner and contradicts modern science in a way that makes complete sense. This book will educate you in ways of confidence, pleasure, and understanding the deep root behind a lot of pyschological things about your body and mind. The only thing i did not like within thebook itself is that the author will write about a specific topic and the tell you all throughout thebook that they will speak about it later. I wish they would just speak the whole thing then and there instead of redirecting you to different chapters. Other than that, excellent book.
12 people found this helpful
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Ben Cook
5.0 out of 5 stars Every Man’s Must Read
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2025
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While the book is written by a woman for women, it is so much more than that. While the book is helping women understand their sexuality, it is so much more than that. It is a book written for men to better understand their female partner. It is a book to help individuals comprehend and feel what is blocking them from pleasure. It is a book that is, in my opinion, as a licensed therapist (who is male), one of the best books about sexuality to date. My only complaint is that the author has not written a book regarding male sexuality, ED, trauma, and blocks men have for emotional intimacy within and outside of his sexuality.
42 people found this helpful
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JadeFlamingo
5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman needs to read or hear this book
Reviewed in the United States on June 13, 2026
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How often have I felt something was wrong with me? I've shamed myself into thinking I am the problem for being too sexual, too uninterested in sex, or just that being a woman meant I accept certain things about my body and my sexuality.
This book rewrites that narrative. I'm not broken and normalizing what historically people who based limited information on moral, medical, and media aspects of what a woman's body is and what to expect from it as the "norm". The author gives new perspective on being a woman with sexuality and having sex or not having sex. We all have the same parts but they will respond differently.
Highly encourage men to read this too who have women in their lives and want to support them in having agency over their bodies and sex life.
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Oh
5.0 out of 5 stars Life-changing. If you're here, it means you need this book.
Reviewed in the United States on May 10, 2026
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Life-changing. If you're here, it means you need this book.
3 people found this helpful
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Aaron Hollingsworth
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book! well written
Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2025
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Really enjoyed the book. As a guy reading it I felt like it was insightful and I took some good lessons from it.
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Kayla
4.0 out of 5 stars mixture of serious and laughter
Reviewed in the United States on April 15, 2026
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Come As You Are was such a refreshing and surprisingly enjoyable read. While it’s incredibly educational, it never once felt like sitting through an awkward high school sex ed class. Instead, Emily Nagoski presents the information in a way that is engaging, relatable, and—at times—genuinely laugh-out-loud funny.
The book primarily focuses on women’s experiences, diving into the science and psychology behind sexuality, but it also thoughtfully includes the role of partners and relationships. That balance makes it feel both informative and practical, rather than one-sided.
What really stood out to me was how much I learned—there were so many moments where I found myself thinking, “Why did no one ever teach me this before?” It breaks down complex topics in a way that feels empowering rather than overwhelming.
Overall, this is absolutely a must-read. Whether you’re picking it up for the knowledge, personal growth, or even just the humor, you’ll walk away with a new perspective—and probably a few laughs along the way.
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David H.
4.0 out of 5 stars Overall a great book, but does have a little misinformation
Reviewed in the United States on February 8, 2024
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I ended up writing to the author of this book to hopefully get a response before writing a review here so I could comment appropriately. Apparently, she must be too busy (or unwilling) to reply to her readers, so I'm going to post the email I sent her so that anyone buying this book can have this in mind while reading it. Before doing so though, I would stress that the book is a good book on its topic. The author has fallen victim to some modern non-sense that she mentions a few times in the book. You be the judge though! Here's the email I sent:
Good afternoon! First let me say that I read your "Come as you are book" and I would highly recommend this to any reader, male or female. It is really well researched and written.
I am a man and read a fairly large amount of books, a lot dealing with sexual themes. I have also observed after these last several years that the media, educators, and others (whom you point out in your book) have been working on pointing the figure at men (patriarchy) as a scapegoat for many things nowadays. This is absolutely untrue in modern times.
Looking in your book on page 201, you state:
"So what gives? Why does it feel so new, when every other year a book comes out that talk about it?
When I asked this question in my class, a student raised her hand and said with comic sourness: 'Patriarchy.'
Totally.
For centuries, men's sexuality has been the 'default' sexuality, so that where women differ from men, women get labeled 'broken'."
Ironically, if you skip to page 213, you actually nail who is currently actually responsible for all this mis-, and disinformation:
"Tell them calmly, joyfully, and confidently. No need to be defensive or aggressive - it's not their fault they don't know about nonconcordance. Actually, it's more my fault and the fault of all the other sex educators and researchers. We have failed to communicate this idea clearly to the world, and now you're stuck with the job of fixing our mistake. Sorry about that."
You also nail "patriarchy" again on 259. Again, this reference is as false as the one listed above. If this was not modern times, then I may agree with you that men would be responsible for disseminating false or misleading information since that was the patriarchy and women weren't allowed in these types of roles. However, as long as women have been able to write books, teach in schools, be journalists, etc, you can no longer point the finger at men for the wrong information getting out to our youth (both boys and girls) and thus getting propagated in a way that hurts women. Women are AT LEAST equal to this problem since they too are spreading the same information - per your own words (and anyone who can clearly think).
At this point, and although I still say it is a good book, your "Come as you are" is also passing misinformation along to its readers by pointing the finger at 50% of the population that is, at best, only 50% responsible! I would argue less than that because that would mean 100% of the male population would have to agree with your assessment that men "want it this way" because it "makes them superior" in some way or some other rationale. I would counter that most men actually love women and want to do what's best and most pleasurable for them. Do some men fit the profile your presenting? Yup! Do some women also fit that against men? Yup! You can't point the finger at one without it pointing back at you.
I hate to call for an update to your book to address this issue, but you really should consider it so that you aren't another source of more false information being propagate to others that I and other men will have to "clean up" - as you apologized for in your quote above. There are other places in it too (e.g. 312), so a thorough review might be in order...
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Troy M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Wife turned a 180 after reading this book
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2025
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My wife has dealt with some trauma from when she was young and had some different/odd views on sex. She was never an instigator and was always worried about her body or performance which after years I could always tell when she was not always there. I never could get her to just let go. I bough a book for me to read and after doing some research I bought this book for her to read. When I talked to her about it she was reluctant to read it so I sat down and read some things that I felt would help her and then brought up what I'd read in the book one night. It peaked her interest so I left the book lying on the coffee table. A few days later I noticed it missing. A few days after that, which was about 2 months ago our sex life which was already good went out of site. We're both 46. She has spent more money in 2 months than the last 20 yrs on toys, furniture, outfits, lingerie, converted a spare bedroom into a play room and initiates about half the time. Everything about our relationship has improved. I haven't read it but I dam sure recommend it.
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MamaBear25
3.0 out of 5 stars Honestly Pretty Boring
Reviewed in the United States on March 19, 2026
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Hard to engage with. Very wordy and such a casual writing style to the point of being watered down in order to appeal to the everyday person. Not a lot of helpful info for someone with a thirst for real knowledge. The main point of the book seemed to be “you are normal”— that’s great, but people who picked up this book are hoping for a lot more than that. Also beware that the book is very politically correct and the author goes out of her way to make clear her views on politics and gender ideology.
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Maddie
4.0 out of 5 stars It was alright
Reviewed in the United States on August 12, 2023
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As a sex educator, I wasn't as impressed with this book as so many are. I think it's a great book for the typical person wanting to learn a bit more about themselves and sexuality. It's especially helpful for those that carry a lot of shame around sex and any desires or fantasies they may have that they think are wrong or not normal.
Personally though, my issue lies within the writing itself. There was wayyyyy too much fluff and unnecessary analogies. It brings to mind Einsteins quote "if you can't explain it to a 6 year old, you don't understand it yourself". As such, the writing led me to seriously question the authors intellect because her conceptualization was so all over the place.
But again, I do think if you've never read an educational sex book, this will probably be a book of great value and a solid starting point given that most of the other books are more specific like: "she comes first" which focuses on the art of giving a woman oral pleasure, "sex at dawn" (historical reference about non monogamy), or others that focus on simply how to communicate with your partner about sex. Whereas, this book is more all-encompassing and therefore a good place to dip a toe in
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Great resource.
Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2026
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Well written. Comprehensive.
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cdeuce
5.0 out of 5 stars Not just for women
Reviewed in the United States on June 11, 2024
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It saddens me that this book is mainly targeted to women. The way it is written it could have easily been a book for all genders. As a cis-male, I have gotten so much out of reading this, and I'm only half way through it so far. I would normally wait until I was finished with the book before writing a review, but I felt the content was incredibly helpful and valuable enough to post this now. I highly recommend that anyone and everyone read it.
The only qualm I have with it is when Dr. Emily mentions ignoring thoughts. For example, at the top of page 180 she says, "Practice ignoring the self-critical". I wholly disagree with this. I would rather have heard her advise to NOT ignore it, and try to weave your way to the source of these thoughts and directly deal with that. From my own personal experience this has been the only way for me to truly absolve myself of them. Otherwise, ignoring just keeps them in the background, looking for a way back to the forefront. But, that's me.
98 people found this helpful
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MamaBear
4.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful book, but Holy Metaphors Batman
Reviewed in the United States on March 17, 2021
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I bought the Kindle version of this book, read it, loved it, and then bought the paperback to give to my husband, and to save for my daughter when she's older. The key messages of this book should be required elements of sex education for anyone who has a vulva or wants a relationship with one.
However - I am disappointed by the lack of details regarding how female sex hormones work. Maybe that's too sciencey for this book or not in the author's wheelhouse, or perhaps there is a lack of data on this? I'd like to know how sex hormones work in relation to the menstrual cycle (follicular, luteal phase and so on) and if there are any pearls of wisdom we can glean from this when it comes to our sex lives. Surely there is something to be learned from how we are wired to ovulate (and more likely to be up for sex at that time) and the various sequelae (how does PMS come into play, and what can we do about it, etc). The author seems somewhat dismissive of hormones and their impact on sexual desire, which may be true, but I feel like there is more to the story here...
Also, and this is nitpicky, but there are SO MANY METAPHORS it is hard to keep track of, and recall them all. I get the utility of the metaphors/comparisons to help illustrate an idea, but I felt like I was doing a lot of mental gymnastics to remember things because of the astounding number of metaphors. (And when I asked husband how he like the book so far, this was also his first comment).
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Monica
5.0 out of 5 stars Ladies, Read This Book!!
Reviewed in the United States on January 10, 2023
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When I got married, I was naïve and unprepared for intimacy in marriage. My husband and I tried to learn about it by reading a couple of books, but it didn’t really help…
Fast forward 24 years. Almost 25. I find out about the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I read it. Wow. Oh wow. It’s embarrassing to say how much I learned from this book. You’d think after almost a quarter of a century of married life I’d have figured things out. Apparently not. Things make sense now! For years I thought I was broken. Guess what? I’m not! Now I find out that years of shame, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, and confusion didn’t need to be. I didn’t know!
Ladies, read this book. Even if you think you have things figured out, read the book! I promise you will learn something! It’s so well written! She has diagrams and pictures along with lots of examples and case studies. Emily Nagoski is a treasure trove of knowledge and research and common sense. Reading Come As You Are has changed me for the better! This book came out in 2015, but I wish I could have read it in 1998!!
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed my whole outlook
Reviewed in the United States on December 20, 2023
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I was recommended this book by my pelvic therapist after suffering years of pelvic floor dysfunction and with that sexual frustrations. This book really allowed me to realize how to understand sexual functioning and desire on a level I never was able to do before. I allowed me the proper wording to explain the things I felt or didn't feel. This book has changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. As a SA survivor this has allowed me to also shed some judgement and allowed a lot of undemanding of who I am and what my body is to me. I've already been buying my friends this book to help them discover the underlining truths of being a human being when it comes to sexuality. I can't thank the author or my pelvic therapist enough for this amazing opportunity for changing perspectives and moving forward in life with a better grounding and understanding of my own inner workings of my body, mind and soul.
52 people found this helpful
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Goth Gone Grey
2.0 out of 5 stars Not surprising. Not transformative.
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2023
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I read more psychology books than average, with a special focus on trauma. This seemed a good one to add to the arsenal, especially with the overwhelming rave reviews.
To be fair, I also read a decent amount of smut because life is about balance. ;)
The author's style is an odd mix of hip conversation and clinical facts that didn't quite jibe for me, culminating in a discussion about pirates and the Industrial Revolution at 45%, where I gave up and DNF'ed.
Other unwieldy comparisons that I found myself cringing at included restaurants, lions, and quoting 50 Shades as a romance book. To be fair, it wasn't quoted as a good romance book, so some relief there.
Oh, and in case you weren't aware, American patriarchal culture is why you hate yourself and aren't interested in getting it on. Don't believe me? From the book:
"I like to visualize the lion of body self-criticism as a sweet little kitten that’s been treated badly and needs me to give it affection and tenderness. That’s what helps me to forgive my culture for teaching me such b***s***. A woman I know prefers to imagine it as an enemy, and she visualizes herself beating the c*** out of it. She finds her way to forgiveness of her culture (and of herself, for having believed her culture) through a sense of conquering the enemy. Whatever works!"
The profanity was not my main objection to the above, though it's edited for Amazon standards.
There is a brief section on sexual trauma that's disappointing. It references an attacking lion as an example of stress responses: flight, fight, and freeze.
And fawn? Or, in that situation, fu... You know the rest. Pete Walker's work on this is brilliant, and I'm saddened that 50 Shades is mentioned in the book and his work is not. Fawn also explains the sexual non concordance during trauma, which is instead compared to a restaurant.
There is a solid, basic understanding of anatomy with illustrations, and multiple homework assignments to find and appreciate your genitals.
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Coconut cotton
5.0 out of 5 stars Don’t wait. You deserve the truth
Reviewed in the United States on July 7, 2024
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I have a hard time focusing on books but I’m forcing myself to read this book because it’s so important. There are so many misconceptions out there and here is a doctor who will explain why YOU ARE NOT SICK if your body isn’t doing what you expect it to do. It’s so full of information I get overwhelmed but girls it is so important for us to understand our bodies!!!!!!
Here we now have a text that is being used in medical schools and when I had put it down at one point …my gyn recommended it to me so I picked it back up and I’m so glad!
***It sucks to feel broken, to think your hormones are off, that you’re aging etc. Girls, don’t need drugs; you need this book. Ps the libido drugs don’t work anyway…clinical trials say so.
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61 people found this helpful
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Michael Frank
5.0 out of 5 stars Truely important for young females who want to be empowered
Reviewed in the United States on April 30, 2025
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Got it for an 18yo looking to learn the ins and outs of sex in it’s entirety beyond just how-to. This was something she reported “she needed” after reluctantly opening; and is now reading and learning important things that will empower her moving forward; give her control, and to know herself best before letting someone explore on their own. Powerful, wonderful. I’ll get it for any young adult transitioning to adulthood. It’s a mission of mine to empower young woman and make it normal to have important conversations that have historically been taboo.
29 people found this helpful
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Tyler
2.0 out of 5 stars A Male Perspective (For What It’s Worth)
Reviewed in the United States on July 10, 2025
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As a hetrosexual man doing a deep dive into books about women and sexuality...my recent reads include Girl on Girl by Sophie Gilbert, Audition by Katie Kitamura, Three Women by Lisa Taddeo, and The Mother Code by Ruthie Ackerman, I came to this hoping for a meaningful look at women’s relationships with their bodies. Instead, I found a padded, meandering book full of metaphors so clunky they border on parody (gardens, lab rats, the accelerator/brake analogy...oy vey). How can I take the author seriously when she infantilizes women with cutesy slang like "feels"? It’s as if she’s explaining female sexuality with emojis - more importantly, doesn’t speaking to women this way just reinforce the very cultural condescension she claims to critique?
If you’re just beginning your journey of understanding female anatomy and sexuality...as in just discovering your own vulva, this might feel revelatory. But for anyone seeking deeper insights, this felt more like a 50-page pamphlet for high school students stretched into 350 pages of fluff. It over-promises, under-delivers, and clearly needed a more discerning editor.
I made it about three-quarters of the way through before admitting defeat. Informative? Barely. Cringe-inducing? Beyond. For anyone looking for real substance, I’d suggest looking elsewhere. Or just get the CliffNotes from a friend. It'll be a three-minute conversation, tops.
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Anne
3.0 out of 5 stars Don't leave in a public place.
Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2025
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I haven't read it in full. I left in my car after a trip for a few weeks, couldn't figure out why service guys at oil change shop and car wash were extra flirty. Guess this explains it. Cute cover. IN all seriousness, I'll read it. Eventually.
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Angela Knight
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book full of insight and hope
Reviewed in the United States on September 6, 2023
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This book helped me look on my experiences and relationship, as well as my own body, with new insight. There’s a lot of hostility and manipulation aimed at women designed to make us see ourselves as less than we are. Sometimes this is to sell us something, sometimes this is so someone can more easily victimize us.
Instead, Emily Nagoski suggests that we realize how the messaging can keep us from being ourselves and enjoying ourselves with the men in our lives.
She says that being kind to yourself and letting yourself feel what you feel can let you find sexual joy. Self-criticism and seeing ourselves as broken is a self-fulfilling prophesy. By treating yourself the way you’d treat a loved one who’s hurting, you can relax into pleasure.
This is a terrific book and I plan to recommend it to every woman I know, along with the men who love them.
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Jen
3.0 out of 5 stars Overall pretty good, with some distracting style choices
Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2025
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It starts out well, but the slang and metaphors and storytelling become more off-putting as the book goes on. Unfortunately, these detract from what would otherwise be an engaging read. For instance, the chapter on sexual trauma comes off as shockingly insensitive and inappropriate when phrases like “feel your Feels” are used. The second half of the book was tough to get through, and I found myself skimming and skipping chunks. (Also, why the incessant references to other chapters?) It is an interesting subject to explore, and work that would be beneficial for everyone in our society. I was excited to dive in after listening to podcast interviews with the author. The book is written exactly how she talks though, which I’m not a fan of in book form. Obviously the book appeals to many, many people, but it just didn’t do it for me.
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lpmegs
4.0 out of 5 stars such great insight
Reviewed in the United States on June 9, 2023
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this book was recommended to me by a sexual survivor group i'm in. i really am enjoying this book. in general, it's been hard for me to sit down long enough to read a book. i used to read all the time. this book, i have to force myself to put it down so i can really absorb what i'm reading. i take lots of notes as i'm going through it. then, i sit down and talk to my husband about what i read and learned and ways to possibly help our relationship. would recommend to anyone who wants to change their relationship with sex. i have also had a hard time with libido. reading and learning from this book has helped me find out things that work for me and realize reasons i might not be to keen of having sex. i reallly love the more scientific perception.
22 people found this helpful
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Katie V
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for sexual people
Reviewed in the United States on May 24, 2025
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Anyone who has a vulva or wants to sleep with someone who does needs to read this book. Nagoski demystifies how the female body works and helps you understand what turns you on or off, and how to improve overall personal and partner sexual satisfaction. I recommend this to female and straight male clients all the time.
15 people found this helpful
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Allison
4.0 out of 5 stars Some great info
Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2021
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I'm sure I'll be in the minority here, but it might help someone.
First, helpful on how to focus, relax, allow yourself just to experience pleasure; just be ok with how you're made; not be so goal-focused as to miss the present experience.
At the same time, along with most authors today, she blames a lot (most?) of female sexual dysfunction on "cultural brainwashing," by which I think she means (in addition to admittedly destructive "rom-com" culture) "oppressive cis-gendered western" culture. But that Western culture has also allotted women far more value than many other historic, or geographic, cultures. Was I traded in marriage against my will for so many sheep? Was I forced to undergo painful mutilation of my body when I was a child? Do I have to bring my husband with me to go grocery shopping or to the DMV? No. That's also because of the culture we are part of. It seems unhelpful, not to mention inaccurate, to blame so much of women's sexual issues on that culture, at least with no mention at all of what is positive in it.
This author is by no means alone today in her viewpoint, but since hers is the book I've just read, I thought it worth mentioning. Take the meat, spit out the bones.
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L-K
4.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2023
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The science and studies help put words to so many things I have experienced. In particular, learning about nonconcordance and the dual control system gave me a much greater understanding of myself.
Very minor nitpicks: the author's insistence that "everyone is normal" kind of goes against the definition of the word (as in common, typical, expected). Why does everyone have to be? It's okay to be an outlier - normalcy doesn't have any morality associated with it. Neither does abnormality.
The author also insists that "everyone is beautiful" - which somewhat misses the point that body positivity feels unrealistic or unattainable to many people. If this is the case for you, I'd recommend checking out other books about "body neutrality" - I recommend the one by Eleanor Clark.
15 people found this helpful
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M Henk
5.0 out of 5 stars Important read!
Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2024
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Come As You Are is an important must read for anyone with a vagina, or anyone who wants to have a better understanding of their partner.
Before purchasing this book, I had read so many reviews about it changing their perspective on things (I was a little skeptical). It is 10000% true! I have learned so many things (that I should have learned in school) and even got my friends to read it as well.
Emily does an amazing job of keeping the reader engaged and gently addressing tough aspects of a woman's sexuality (such as trauma from SA). She creates a safe and encouraging learning environment. Please do yourself a favor and read this book!
22 people found this helpful
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Rahrah
5.0 out of 5 stars Wish more people knew this info
Reviewed in the United States on August 6, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Very interesting information. I have bachelor's of science in psychology and what I've read so far lines up with what I learned. I wish more people knew the information in here.
4 people found this helpful
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LindseyL
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Information But Too Long
Reviewed in the United States on August 16, 2024
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I learned a lot from this book, but I really struggled to keep reading it. It was too long and in my opinion repetitive, making it a little boring. If it could be condensed into about half as many pages, it would get 5 stars from me. I would still recommend it to anyone struggling with sex, self identity, relationship guilt, or just curiosity. It truly is full of great information, it's juuuust...too thorough for me, I guess.
10 people found this helpful
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Terri Housley
5.0 out of 5 stars Superb Read
Reviewed in the United States on July 20, 2025
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Packed with valuable information and humor. This book will enlighten, enliven, and move you towards a much healthier and much more joyous experience of your own sexuality. Thank you, Emily, for writing this book!
7 people found this helpful
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Jacob
5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read for anyone who is looking for a healthy intimate relationship with a woman.
Reviewed in the United States on July 27, 2025
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Refreshingly Science Based!! Soooo good!!
Educational and fun to read. I found many of the anecdotes extraordinarily helpful and eye opening. Anyone discussing intimate relationships with women must read this book.
12 people found this helpful
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Diana
5.0 out of 5 stars Should be required reading for life
Reviewed in the United States on March 7, 2021
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This book is life changing. Essential for anyone who has a vagina or who comes into contact with vaginas. Pretty sure that’s like 80 of the worlds population right there lol. This should be required reading for everyone.
Unlike most books about sexual wellness, this isn’t going to cover the basics and make you yawn (like Vagina Bible, that was a snooze). This book is the ultimate practical trouble shooting guide for your love life if you’re single or partnered. That doesn’t mean its full of quick fixes- it’s not. Healing isn’t quick or easy but it’s so much better when you have someone like Emily to light the path ahead for you and put everything into perspective.
This book will make you go "Really?! I never knew that!" and you'll be so glad you learned. I made so many notes and highlights in the book on my Kindle app. I feel like all the puzzle pieces of my sex life were finally falling into place.
I’d also recommend her other book Burnout which she wrote with her sister for understanding more about completing the stress cycle.
84 people found this helpful
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RAC
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent perspective
Reviewed in the United States on June 6, 2024
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The one concept which the author, Emily, talks about is the idea of a map and terrain. The map is the perception or attempted rendering of the terrain, which is what is. We have been using the wrong maps, or slightly incorrect maps, and are determined to continue to use the maps even though the terrain is telling us differently. Let go of your maps and what you think should be happening, and see things for what they are - individual, beautiful, normal and just awesome!
6 people found this helpful
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Nicholas R. Bennett
5.0 out of 5 stars Life-changing knowledge about arousal
Reviewed in the United States on May 26, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I love this book, it helped me understand the accelerator/brake arousal model which has helped me understand myself and my partner so much better. I recommend this to all of my friends.
4 people found this helpful
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Daniel
4.0 out of 5 stars Almost required reading for women.
Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2024
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This book is greatly informative.
I would say that this is a must read for women.
I don't particularly recommend this book to men. It is very clearly written for women by a women, and more power to them. This book guides you to transform and improve your sex life. The only thing is, it's mostly ways to improve them if you're a woman.
Again, great book. I say a must read for women.
8 people found this helpful
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Jennifer C McLean
5.0 out of 5 stars You are awesome ! science says so !
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2022
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Every woman should read this book ! I didn’t expect it to be so emotional but it was. I think we underestimate how much damage our patriarchal society does to women . And how that can and does impact our desires and what we think is normal. It is worth reading this book of only to have science tell you that you are normal and beautiful just as you are. Yes! Right now! As you are. Right. Now.
And If you believe that this book is for you it will give you the science to validate your beliefs. If you don’t believe that you are perfect right now you need to run and get this book. The science will change your mind and you’ll need to give yourself space to feel the Feels and to heal.
38 people found this helpful
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Jessica
5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman should read this
Reviewed in the United States on July 7, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
This book is absolutely mind-blowing. It will change the way that you think about and understand sex.
2 people found this helpful
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Stephanie Thoma, Author
4.0 out of 5 stars feel good informative read
Reviewed in the United States on November 15, 2023
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Nagoski writes in a conversational way that explains why we show up the way we do, or don’t, sexually. Ideal for someone who wants to better understand sex with a woman, or a woman who wants to better understand herself. Some facts you likely learned in school or advanced sex ed in college, but what sets this a part is the added intention of self acceptance as a vehicle for getting and experiencing what you want.
10 people found this helpful
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Deanna Stampfly
5.0 out of 5 stars EVERY Woman Needs to Read This Book!!! 🤯
Reviewed in the United States on September 8, 2023
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
This book was recommended to me by my therapist when we were discussing the complexity of the female mind and how it affects sexual relationships. When I say it is a LIFE CHANGING text, please believe that and read it for yourself! Emily Nagoski eloquently lays out the scientific evidence and emotional validation regarding women’s sexual experiences in such a a way that each chapter adds a new level of complexity and depth to your understanding of sex, relationships, and even your own body. If I had to pick one book for every woman on Earth to read, it would be this one, hands down.
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34 people found this helpful
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Camille
5.0 out of 5 stars Very good book
Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Puts all the things you need to know or want to know or would be worried about plainly and simply.
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Kaity Kat
5.0 out of 5 stars Would recommend to anyone!
Reviewed in the United States on July 18, 2024
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I have learned so much while reading this book! It’s been so helpful in understanding myself and sexuality in generally and really drives home that the stuff we’re taught to be ashamed of is normal. Science that is written in a totally accessible way broken up with examples, stories from other women and funny moments. This is a great book for people of any gender!
23 people found this helpful
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Sarah T.
5.0 out of 5 stars A great resource
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I am a pelvic floor therapist, and this is a common recommendation to many patients-it’s a great resource!
4 people found this helpful
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Ed Clark
5.0 out of 5 stars Come as you are
Reviewed in the United States on May 29, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Great insights as to what women go through regarding their sexuality. I learned a lot.
2 people found this helpful
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Psych Nerd 🤓
5.0 out of 5 stars A must Read on Sexual acceptance!
Reviewed in the United States on April 21, 2025
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Simplified sexual health. Loved every minute of this book. Learned so much to help not only myself but the clients I work with! ❤️
One person found this helpful
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Layna
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changer!!
Reviewed in the United States on February 9, 2024
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
This book has changed my entire marriage!! We would be constantly bickering and at each other's throats, and then I read on until I reached nearly 80 pages-ish (past the worksheets), and my eyes were opened.
I have realized things about myself and my partner I never knew existed. It's so simple! It makes you feel stupid that you never thought of her advice before...
Highly recommend 100x over. It will change your life and marriage.
36 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars 10/10
Reviewed in the United States on October 11, 2024
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
You are normal. You are normal!!!! Societal norms play a HUGE part in what shapes who we become. I was extremely moved to tears every page I turned. So validating, non judgmental, inclusive, and an overall great book!
Read this book!!! I bought the couples version and am excited to dive in!
11 people found this helpful
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Shana Pennington-Baird
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the best books I’ve ever read
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2025
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This book should be mandatory reading for all women. No matter if you are happy with your sex life —distressed with your sex life. If you’re healing from trauma… This is a phenomenal book. The writing is excellent and the exercises within our life-changing.
8 people found this helpful
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