Full text of "NO DESTINATION"
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CONTENTS
1 Mother 7
2 Guru 21
3 Ashram 4 1
4 Benares ^7
5 Wanderer 79
6 Escape 121
7 Floating 12.5
8 Mukti 139
9 Maya M5
10 Hartland 157
11 Small School 165
12 Pilgrimage: Iona 173
13 Pilgrimage: Return *2.3
14 Japan 265
15 College 281
16 Mount Kailas 287
17 Influences 2.95
18 Realization 319
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Chapter Six Escape
I HAD TRAVELLED AROUND THE WORLD, 1 had talked about
peace, I had received publicity in India and abroad, I had been
welcomed by the people for my ‘adventurous journey’ and I rel¬
ished being in the limelight. I returned with great enthusiasm and
impatience to act, but the question was—what to do? Going on a
walk into an unknown world with a known action proved easier
than finding the right action in the known world. During the month
in Bangalore with Lata’s family I received many letters, particu¬
larly from gramdan workers inviting me to speak about the walk.
Lata and I set off with our child on a tour of India. As soon as I
stopped walking and started talking I was caught up in the illusion of
self-importance. After two months. Lata became unhappy with the
travelling and talking. It seemed best to sit down and write a book,
so we went to Benares.
We rented a flat in a beautiful house owned by the Queen of
Benares, with a balcony overlooking the Ganges. From here I wrote
my first Hindi book Journey Around the World Without a Penny.
The publisher wanted the book as soon as possible, so he gave me
a typist to whom I dictated the whole book straight on to the
typewriter. The pages were sent to the press as soon as they were
typed. The whole book was written in a month and printed in
another month. The publisher said he had never had an author who
worked so fast, nor had he published a book so quickly. A hardback
edition of 5,000 copies sold out in six months, and then a paperback
edition of xo,ooo copies was pu blished. I received many more letters,
especially from young people, who were inspired and who wanted to
undertake a similar trip.
Martin Luther King had given me his book Stride Towards Free¬
dom. Only by translating it into Hindi could I express my deep
admiration for him and release the emotion I felt towards him. But
m
NO DESTINATION
ESCAPE
Lata started to feel anxious about my writing and my view of life.
She said, ‘Whatever you do, the world is not gong to change. Wars
and exploitation will continue. There have been hundreds of great
saints—from Buddha to Ghandi, they have all come and gone. Do
you think that you, Satish Kumar, can change the world? You will
not change the world, you will only ruin our lives. Stop trying to
solve other people’s problems and solve your own/
One day we were sitting on the balcony, watching the trains go
over the bridge across the Ganges. Lata said, ‘Your revolution is
all very well, but now you are married, we have a child, and I
am expecting another one. Children need security and a safe life.
I don’t want to have children with unfulfilled needs/ 1 argued with
her and she became angry saying, if you are such an idealist, why
did you marry?’ I said, ‘You are right, 1 should not have married/
Lata said, i have written to my mother and brother asking them
to come, and they will be arriving tomorrow/ That was news to
me. 1 asked her why they were coming. She said, ‘Life with you is
not going very well. I would like my mother and brother to talk
with you/ ‘They can’t solve any problems which we ourselves can’t
solve/ I told her. ‘I don’t think it is a very good idea to bring your
mother and brother into our problems. We should sort them out
ourselves/ She said, ‘You are so stubborn that I don’t think I can
get anywhere with you/
This left me taken aback, wondering what was happening. Being
away for two and a half years. Lata and I had grown apart from each
other.* Our ideas and interests had developed in opposite directions,
and the separation had made us strangers. Lata's mother and brother
came and we discussed the situation. Lata’s mother said, ‘You will
never make a good living by writing books. You and Lata’s brother
should start a drapery shop that will give you a regular income. We
will loan you the money/
Although all the male members of my family were successful
businessmen, 1 couldn’t see myself sitting in a shop with a yardstick,
measuring cloth to sell, and I said so. Lata’s mother replied, ‘You’ve
led the life of a vagabond, travelling around the world, and now it is
time you settled down. 1 am suggesting this shop because you have
no degree or qualifications, so it is the best solution for you/ The
three of them were very serious. Lata said, ‘You must decide by
tomorrow morning what you are going to do. If you don’t decide
anything positive, 1 cannot stay any longer and I shall go back with
my mother to Bangalore/ What an ultimatum!
The next morning I said, ‘No, 1 cannot sit in a shop all day. I
would be a failure, I cannot keep accounts/ Lata’s mother said,
‘Don’t worry, my son will take care of the shop. You just have
to work with him/ But I said no, and the discussion ended in
argument. That evening, Lata, her mother, brother and my daughter
all left abruptly.
A novelist friend from Delhi, Rajendra, came to see me. He
understood very precisely the reasons for the breakdown of my
marriage. He was witty and amusing and a good support for me
at that moment. One evening, Rajendra and 1 took a boat on the
Ganges. Rajendra said, ‘What are you doing after all these fantastic
adventures, sitting around moping over your wife and marriage? Get
out of this mess. The problem is not how to make your marriage
work, but to see it as it is and understand it. You have to calm down
and get into something challenging and creative/
We were walking on the other side of the Ganges. The moonlight
over the city gave it an eerie silvery glow. Rajendra said, ‘Make
yourself tough and find your own way. People are going to criticize
you whatever you do/
We crossed back over the river and, after walking along the ghats,
came to the Nepalese temple of Shiva: Shiva the terrible, Shiva the
peaceful, Shiva the creator and destroyer, Shiva the symbol of unity,
unity in opposites, unity in multiplicity. Shiva who drank all the
poison of the world which turned his body blue. Shiva who opened
a third eye in the centre of his forehead and burnt all the lust and
greed of the world with the fire from this eye. In Shiva’s presence the
breaking of the marriage meant the making of a new life. I turned
to Rajendra and said, ‘I will come to Delhi and we will publish
a magazine/ We sat on the steps of the ghat looking at the river
flowing by—the Ganges, which has been a shelter like a mother
for me, a silent witness of everything, but never interfering. A body
wrapped in yellow cloth was being burnt by the river. I thought bf it
as myself, the flames burning my marriage. I wanted to find Babajt,
but he wasn’t there.
12.2
123
NO DESTINATION
I arrived in Delhi. Rajendra met me at the station. I found 3 flat in
Connaught Circus in the centre of New Delhi, and started working
on the magazine, Vigraha {Dialectics).
Lata wrote to me that she had given birth to a son but that she
was happier without me and would not come back, i don’t think
we can be happy together.’ I felt rejected and lonely. Everything
around me seemed bleak and meaningless. Life without Lata was
empty, and my restlessness grew by the minute. I had found the
world but lost Lata. I was enveloped in a black blanket of pain and
frustration. What should I do? India seemed more alien to me now
than any other country I had been to. Coming to India was in no way
a homecoming.
After nine issues of Vigraha it became obvious that the magazine
wasn't going to be a success. There was too much competition and
the capital I had started with was nearly used up.
One hot evening in October, a friend of mine from Benares, Anant,
whom I had known for many years, came to visit me. We went out
to eat and talked for a long time. It was midnight, and as Connaught
Circus was empty, we went for a walk around. I showed Anant a
letter from Danilo Dolci of Italy, ’You walked around the world
for peace. We are walking from Naples to Rome for peace. Will
you come and join our walk? You have been such an inspiration
to us—please come.’ This letter had come to me like a raft to a
drowning man. 4 I want to go to Italy/ I said to Anant. ‘You have
never been out of India. Why don’t you come with me?’ Anant went
back to Benares, consulted with his family and sent me a telegram to
say that he had decided to come.
