The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
by Jamil Zaki
really liked it 4.00 · Rating details · 1,386 ratings · 171 reviews
"In this masterpiece, Jamil Zaki weaves together the very latest science with stories that will stay in your heart forever."--Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
Don't miss Jamil Zaki's TED Talk, "We're experiencing an empathy shortage, but we can fix it together," online now.
Empathy is in short supply. We struggle to understand people who aren't like us, but find it easy to hate them. Studies show that we are less caring than we were even thirty years ago. In 2006, Barack Obama said that the United States was suffering from an "empathy deficit." Since then, things seem to have only gotten worse.
It doesn't have to be this way. In this groundbreaking book, Jamil Zaki shares cutting-edge research, including experiments from his own lab, showing that empathy is not a fixed trait--something we're born with or not--but rather a skill that can be strengthened through effort. He also tells the stories of people who embody this new perspective, fighting for kindness in the most difficult of circumstances. We meet a former neo-Nazi who is now helping to extract people from hate groups, ex-prisoners discussing novels with the judge who sentenced them, Washington police officers changing their culture to decrease violence among their ranks, and NICU nurses fine-tuning their empathy so that they don't succumb to burnout.
Written with clarity and passion, The War for Kindness is an inspiring call to action. The future may depend on whether we accept the challenge.
Praise for The War for Kindness
"A wide-ranging practical guide to making the world better."--NPR
"Relating anecdotes and test cases from his fellow researchers, news events and the imaginary world of literature and entertainment, Zaki makes a vital case for 'fighting for kindness.' . . . If he's right--and after reading The War for Kindness, you'll probably think so--Zaki's work is right on time." --San Francisco Chronicle
"In this landmark book, Jamil Zaki gives us a revolutionary perspective on empathy: Empathy can be developed, and, when it is, people, relationships, organizations, and cultures are changed."--Carol Dweck, author of Mindset
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Hardcover, 272 pages
Published June 4th 2019 by Crown Publishing Group (NY)
ISBN0451499247 (ISBN13: 9780451499240)
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The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
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Jennie Naughton
May 08, 2019Jennie Naughton rated it really liked it
The War For Kindness is out in the world today, and it is a war. The subtitle: Building Empathy in a Fractured World is what got me. We all know we should be kinder, we know that as a society, we are often impatient at best and cruel at our worst- primarily online.
Zaki has provided a primer of how all of us can grow in kindness, and he doesn't just say what he thinks. The Appendix contains a proof of validity to every claim that he makes in the book. The footnotes are extensive, and inside each chapter, you'll find the narrative highly exciting and easily readable.
This isn't a boring thesis on the subject it shows example after example of how we as humans rarely hate what we know. It isn't just a book that says don't hate- study after study shows that building empathy is a key to kindness
I especially enjoyed reading about the Changing Lives program where convicted felons are introduced to classic literature like The Old Man and the Sea in a discussion setting with the judge who sentenced them and the DA. The discussions include an English professor, and upon successful completion, their sentences were shortened. No one shared personal stories, but through the study of the circumstances and actions of the characters, the convicted men soon began to draw parallels to their own lives and times. They gained empathy into fictional characters, and even that helped them as they struggled through their challenges. At the end of the first year, 45% had not re-offended. There are dozens of other examples in the book ranging from ancient times to the present. It is just excellent.
I think this book would be great for a book club, or assigned high school, college reading. It is my current go-to recommendation for a nonfiction Summer read. (less)
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Ericka Clou
Feb 10, 2021Ericka Clou rated it liked it
Shelves: 2010s, sociology, read-nonfiction, psychology, 0-borrowed-nf
For anyone who has read books on empathy or attachment for a general audience, the beginning of this book is a huge recitation of studies you have already read about repeatedly. The shame those bad-Samaritan priests must feel to be dragged for all eternity! But the second half of the book was an improvement in that it was at least new information, but unfortunately, by then, it's the end of the book so the topics were insufficiently covered.
This makes me interested to read Paul Bloom's book Against Empathy mentioned many times here. Which is ironic because I think Zaki was disagreeing with it when he brought it up so much? The fact that I'm not sure is also not a great recommendation of TWFK. But surely Against Empathy must have some new-to-me content. (less)
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Oana Filip
Apr 27, 2021Oana Filip rated it it was amazing
Shelves: favorites
I could start a book club after reading Jamil Zaki's amazing writing. This lecture deserves its fair share of debating, changing ideas, switching perspectives, and expanding acceptance.
Until I create the opportunity to engage in such a meaningful dialogue, I leave you with one powerful sentence from this book. Unfortunately, it sums up the world we live in today. The good news is that we're better than this, and we can change the way we understand and manifest empathy.
"They are enemies before they have a chance to be people." (less)
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Clark Hays
Feb 16, 2020Clark Hays rated it liked it
The future of empathy looks bleak
Author Jamil Zaki, travels an engaging but expected path in The War for Kindness, investigating empathy — a complex term he defines as sharing, thinking about and caring about the feelings of others. Zaki describes the evolutionary role of empathy (increasing collaboration, and therefore improving survival odds), the alarming lack of empathy in our current society (which begs the question: is lack of broad-based empathy simply the human condition?) and shows how it can be learned as a skill and manipulated in the lab — this last bit to underscore how, in theory, we could increase empathy to reduce strife.
Along the way, Zaki also tells some truly engaging stories that bring empathy to life such as how a former racist moved past his own hatred and a particularly gut-wrenching section set in a neonatal emergency unit. He is a talented and especially sensitive writer, but I was disappointed by the conclusion.
The final chapter, which feels light and unmoored from the rest, almost slapped on, suggests we owe it to future generations to be more empathetic now. It was a very unsatisfying conclusion. Like religion, that requires some sense of an external greater good to use as a backstop. Who determines the greater good? How can we ever know what fictional future generations will think of our actions? A corporate raider may feel perfectly justified in greedily widening the wealth gap because their sense of empathy assures them future generations will thank them for preserving capitalism, all the while stepping over homeless people. Empathy is an imperfect tool that allows humans to do horrific things to each other — it is tribal empathy that allows so many to brutalize and kill those in other tribes.
We need a framework that allows us to be empathic in the moment, not another weirdly forward-looking faith-based system that dangles the promise of a utopian future state to guide our actions.
I liked the book, and recommend it, but the author — and readers — should think long and hard about a conclusion that feels misguided and perhaps even dangerous. If empathy can be so easily dialed up or down, and can be used to justify some of our darkest actions, we should be focused on expanding the boundaries of those whose feelings we care about, not in the future.
I would have given the book another star if not for the misguided final chapter that undermined — for me — a very engaging read. (less)
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Eduardo Santiago
Dec 01, 2019Eduardo Santiago rated it really liked it
You’ve read about those studies that “prove” that empathy is malleable; in which subjects primed with pictures of puppies and butterflies behave more favorably toward fellow humans. You’ve also probably grumbled in frustration at how pathetically short-term (and useless) those studies are. Zaki too: he likens those to fast-twitch muscles, the kind useful for sprints but not marathons. Zaki is very much interested in the long run, and has devoted his research (and book) to the proposition that empathy is a muscle, that it can be trained and grown and encouraged. With permanent effects. He shows us some of the promising research on how best to do it, especially for those less likely to devote themselves to a life of meditative contemplation.
He covers a lot of ground: medical professionals, police, criminals. Empathy in education, especially younger ages, yields disproportionately positive results. (Yes, he talks about morality and about the people who prefer to punish punish punish rather than "be soft". As one might expect from a compassionate writer, he tries to win them over with facts—an approach which, I fear, is hopeless against authoritarian-centered brains). Even technology—even social media technology, which he overwhelmingly blames for the exponential growth of discord this century—has much to offer if we use it right.
I was disappointed that he didn’t talk about the role of hate-based religions; nor did he even mention any of the recent findings on morality (e.g. Haidt’s work). And I’m discouraged, admittedly preemptively, that none of the people who really need to read this book will ever read this book. Four and a half stars, rounding down because I’m feeling dejected about the world right now, but even so please grab this book (or borrow my copy). We can all benefit and learn from reading it. (less)
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Samantha
May 31, 2019Samantha rated it liked it
First, thank you to Netgalley for providing me with an advanced copy of this book.
I had recently finished reading Sally Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” so I couldn’t help but noticed the similarities between the two works. Jamil Zaki is a psychologist and the tone of this book echoes that fact strongly. While Kohn’s book was many times conversational in tone, Zaki’s book took on an academic tone from the start. He references many empirical studies on empathy (which can lead to kindness) throughout the book. While Kohn focused on combating hate within others and ourselves, Zaki focused on empathy and how we can influence it within ourselves and others and how it influences our behaviors. Zaki’s department studies empathy a lot so it’s not shocking that the book revolves around this topic. As the book progressed, Zaki divulged more personal experiences into the narrative and I felt that added a more pleasant reading experience when I can connect with the author. My favorite part of this work was in the Appendices. He went through every claim that he made in each chapter, including the introduction and epilogue, and rated the claim on the evidentiary proof or validity of the claim. Most or all of books in the social sciences have a list of references or footnotes containing where information cited is found. Zaki has this as well, but rarely do I read a book that provides this type of breakdown of his claims. I wish all books did this to be honest. I went in expecting this book to be uplifting and hopeful for the future of our society and it was in a way, but it is clear that it requires us to put more effort into making our future better. I would recommend this book to fans of Kohn’s book “The Opposite of Hate” and other books on the topic of kindness, empathy, combating hate, changing the combative discourse of the media and society as a whole and self-improvement books.
This review is also posted on my personal blog. (less)
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C.A.
Feb 25, 2021C.A. rated it liked it
Kindness seems a rather mild panacea for the world we currently live it, but the author disagrees. Rather than a hearts and flowers argument, Zaki deals with the often imperfect reality we deal with. He goes into places where empathy is necessary, such as a neonatal ICU and shows how there are two different forms of empathy and how one can lead to burnout and the other keeps them engaged. It also goes into more fraught arenas, such as policing, and shows the problems in getting institutions to change and yet how beneficial they can be. I also like that he has a section in the back where he is honest about the studies he sites in the book (older, often replicated results versus interesting, promising but new research that needs more research). Thought provoking with suggestions, not answers. (less)
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Cara
Apr 15, 2020Cara rated it really liked it
Shelves: books-read-in-2020
Some really interesting insights in this book.
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Sagar Jethani
Feb 10, 2020Sagar Jethani rated it it was amazing
Shelves: tech, science
Jamil Zaki's "The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World" is a fascinating look at a subject we think we understand. Zaki shows how empathy can change throughout a person's life, and how specific activities like mediation, reading, and deliberately engineered "nudges" can increase a person's empathy. To me, the most surprising part of his argument is that far from being a categorical evil, technology can actually increase a person's empathy if it is designed to do so. In other words, technology is what we design it to be.
Far from a recitation of the sorry state of empathy in America, "The War for Kindness" is a gripping, beautifully-written account that is full of surprises. (less)
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Katy
Jun 22, 2019Katy rated it liked it
A good book. I would give it 3.5 stars if I could. Kind of a rough start for me with this one, but the farther I got into the book the more I liked it. I’m glad I read other reviews and knew ahead of time that this wasn’t going to be a book on how to show more empathy. It’s more of a book on studies and stories that have to do with empathy and why we need it.
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Mariam Magdy Hussein
Feb 26, 2021Mariam Magdy Hussein rated it it was amazing
Amazingly researched and written. It's truly enjoyable and educational! ...more
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Patty
Mar 18, 2021Patty rated it it was amazing
4.5 rounded up. Audiobook is a good listen.
I first heard the author on a podcast where he talked about his book. It certainly caught my attention.
There is so much to learn in this area. This book touches on why empathy is important in the first place as well as reasons why we have gotten to the place that we are.
The book discusses the change our world has gone through in a relatively short period of time. One hundred years ago, it was rare to know a lot people outside your community unless they were family. Now we can know about things that happen on the other side of the world in seconds. The less we know about someone, the harder it is for us to have empathy for their situation.
The author also discusses the research between are you born with a certain amount of empathy or is it a choice? He also talks about letting the extreme voices having too much influence on the stories we tell. This chapter really hit home for me. He talked about the WSJ online red/blue site (which is no longer updated). You could go to this site, pick a topic, and see the top stories from both the red or blue perspective side by side. It really highlights that having a narrow scope of influencers in your life, can really warp your perspective.
He talks about empathy fatigue and how people in certain high-stress occupations deal with this aspect of their job. He covers a wide range of occupations from NICU staff to police and teachers.
One part that is staying with me the most is how the more in touch you are with your vision of your future, the more you use the parts of your brain that control empathy. He interviewed and worked closely with a young man who used to belong to a white-supremacy organization in this part of the book. It was enlightening.
All in all, I feel like I have lots to ponder and explore after listening to this author and I love that. (less)
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Nicky Reed
Feb 18, 2021Nicky Reed rated it really liked it · review of another edition
There was so much I really loved about this book. First, I think the introduction was one of the best I've read in a very, very long while. Have a look!
Zaki takes a clear-eyed view of a world organising itself to destroy empathic engagement, but he retains a throbbing undercurrent of hope: despite the rather terrifying analysis of how much of our digital engagement is wilfully leading us by the nose in the wrong direction.
Drawing on diverse research in psychology, in neuroscience, Zaki engages us in the worlds of, for example, healthcare, education, hate politics, prison and digital media to find positive examples of attempts to build empathy and, with it, kindness. The examples are both engaging and arresting: the "Shoot an Iraqi" artwork is a case in point.
Zaki's clear position is that empathy and kindness can be learned and grown; he is equally clear that there is a global crisis in empathy and that we need more.
Were there elements of the book which niggled? Yes. I wasn't completely certain that the link between empathy and kindness was very clearly established - and it felt a little odd to have the definition of empathy rather hidden away in an appendix. More, whilst I finished the book feeling I knew and understood more, I felt frustrated by a sense that it didn't leave me with any real tools to go about the business of HOW we should go about changing things. I suppose it feels as though Zaki is offering more of a call to understanding than a call to action. And that is, of course, utterly legitimate - except that he himself continues to point out the necessity for radical change on this front.
I'm being churlish: this is a critical issue and Zaki presents his thoughts and findings with a clear, engaging touch: he wields his very clear academic credentials well yet very lightly. An important read. (less)
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Emma-Kate Schaake
Sep 24, 2019Emma-Kate Schaake rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction, the-perks-of-being-an-english-teach, mental-health, 2019, best-nonfiction
“Ignoring outsiders’ emotions makes it easier to oppress them.”
“Fiction is empathy’s gateway drug. It helps us feel for others when real-world caring is too difficult, complicated, or painful.”
“Many of the students had been called “bad guys” for most of their life, and had scarcely been given a chance to be anything else. Fiction revealed that underneath every crime is a person: flawed but still deserving dignity.”
“Few are at greater risk of overdosing on empathy than “caring professionals”: physicians, social workers, therapists, teachers, and others who work with people in need...They are humanity’s first responders, called to their work by a deep concern for others. To run from pain would betray their core values. But in empathy’s trenches, those values can quickly turn into occupational hazards.”
“In our polarized era, norms weigh even more heavily against care...Pundits council that the other side is an existential threat. Compromising with —or even listening to— outsiders is a form of treason.”
“Sometimes compromise is best served not by building empathy for outsiders, but by reducing empathy for insiders...(police) may need to treat their colleagues with more skepticism, acknowledging wrong doing even when it involves people they admire.”
“Adolescents confronts to each other more than any other age group, and if other students don’t care—or worse, think kindness is for dorks—working on it becomes suicidal.”
“When we fail to understand each other, it’s often because we falsely assume our own knowledge or priorities will map onto someone else’s.”
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Jennifer Abdo
Jan 22, 2022Jennifer Abdo rated it it was amazing
This is a pretty good collection of studies and thoughts on empathy. It makes some surprising points - or at least contrary to the prevailing narrative - that conformity and technology/social media aren't inherently bad or cruel, they're just tools. You can even use them to cultivate empathy.
I appreciated the nuance in the contact theory of the way the power dynamic affects benefit or lack thereof in the interaction we might assume to be equally beneficial.
The policing example was difficult, though there was acknowledgment that police still prefer their own in group. I don't know for sure, not having much experience, but I feel the the autism example might be problematic. And another glaring issue was describing the Palestinian and Israeli contact approach as something like sports fans connecting rather than occupied/occupier in an apartheid power dynamic.
But overall, it was good to think of what empathy is and how studies have measured it, how can we increase it. There was even a discussion of decreasing your in group empathy as opposed to only increasing your own capacity for it.
Capitalism prioritizes greed, but:
"...People who stop to help others won't have the time to innovate, and will inevitably finish last. As we've seen, this is a myth--empathic individuals are more likely to succeed in a number of ways."
More hopefully:
"We are not merely individuals fighting to empathize in a world of cruelty. We are also communities, families,... that can build kindness into our culture, turning it into people's first option." (less)
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Daniel Te
Sep 02, 2020Daniel Te rated it really liked it
I think kindness is really important to value in our current society, and we have the potential to be a lot kinder. One of the key problems I find with the whole concept, is that if you were to ask someone, "do you care about being kind to other people?", how many people would actually say, "No, I don't?" Zaki cites that studies with the classic empathic concern questions show that more people are saying "no" now, which is concerning (i.e. there are probably even more people that feel pressured to say "yes" but aren't actually kind). I think there is also a huge difference between believing that one is kind and actually being kind, partially due to this, "bias," as I would call it.
I think this book really excels in the first couple of chapters, laying out the premise for why kindness is important. The rest of the book goes into more case studies of how it can be applied in different fields (healthcare, policing, etc.). I think the hardest sell about kindness, is how do we get people to stay past their "set point" of default kindness? If we truly are to create a kind society, we really have to consider how to change norms and such. And, we also have to consider how we brand kindness, because at face value, it's something that everyone can appreciate but not everyone will go out of their way to practice. This book offers some suggestions for moving forward in this way, but I still leave myself thinking about what to do about it. (less)
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Linda Richardson
May 25, 2019Linda Richardson rated it it was amazing
Shelves: penguin-random-house-first-to-read
My 5 star Review of The War for Kindness by Jamil Zaki @zakijam @CrownPublishing #TheWarForKindness
While this book is mainly a textbook, filled with references to empathetic situations and individuals, I found it a fascinating 5 star read. It offers a compelling argument that for our society to heal & grow we must learn to empathize with fellow humans, increase our compassion and spend more of our time socializing face-to-face. As I hoped, it suggests radically decreasing the hours we spend on social media, since those interactions appear to parallel with an increased depression and feelings of isolation. Highly recommended reading in today’s world of senseless random acts of violence, ever increasing rates of teenage death by suicide and cyberbullying.
I decided to post my thoughts and chose leave a review after reading the advance e-copy of this book I received, courtesy of the Publisher via Penguin Random House’s First to Read program. Thank you Crown for sending this book to me and giving me an opportunity to read it before the publication date.
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Bianca A.
Apr 27, 2020Bianca A. rated it liked it
Shelves: speed-read, 2020
This book has been chosen for my speed reading/essential reading project due to it being what I consider to be a 'light read'. Concise, basic vocabulary, no heavy terminology. It delivers that which it promises through its title - pros and cons, plus examples and some solutions in regards to empathy. I feel like for somebody like me, reading books by or about Gandhi, Dalai Lama, or even Mandela might be a more worthwhile investment since those authors have lived through sweat and blood the things they dare to preach. However, I still think this book can be useful for the average person in their day to day affairs that are especially dealing with burnout and are seeking motivation to stay empathetic; as well as for readers that are looking for something less intimidating, more mild... instead of seemingly overcomplicated manners to approach this topic. The methods suggested are also pretty simple, but I think some of them can be highly effective depending on the reader's circumstances. Not a terrible or completely wasteful read. (less)
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