2021/09/25

[책] 성공하는 가족들의 7가지 습관 스티븐 코비 1988

알라딘: 성공하는 가족들의 7가지 습관
스티븐 코비 (지은이),
김경섭 (옮긴이)김영사1998-11-29



460쪽
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알라딘 리뷰

<성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관>에서 `처세술`을 `인생철학`의 차원으로 끌어올렸던 스티븐 코비의 저작. 나의 변화를 통해 남을 변화시킨다는 인간관계의 철학과, 소중한 것을 먼저 하라는 전략적 사고법을 가족 문제에 적용시켰다.

가정생활을 하다보면 타성에 젖기 쉽다. 긴장을 늦추다보니 생각없이 튀어나가는 말도 많다. 가장 가까운 사람들을 가장 멀리 대하고, 가장 소중한 사람들에게 상처를 주는 이 책의 사례들은 우리 자신의 모습에서 그리 멀지 않다.

스티븐 코비가 이들에게 제시하는 해법은 일견 평범한 듯하면서도 아주 실제적이다. 분위기나 기분에 따라 즉각적이고 감성적으로 반응하는 `대응적 반응`을 자제하고, 자기가 설정한 가치와 원칙에 따라 주도적으로 행동하라는 것이다.

무슨 말인가 하면, 아내가 화낸다고 같이 화내지 말고 남편이 무시한다고 덩달아 무시하지 말라는 것이다. 이것은 본능적인 자극-반응의 저차원적 대응책일 뿐, 인간 특유의 주도성을 살린 효율적인 해법이 될 수 없다. 이에는 이, 눈에는 눈은 인간관계의 해법이 아니다.

맞는 말이다. 그러나 문제는 항상 그렇듯이 실천이다. 이 책의 장점은, 한 권을 다 읽고 나면, 실천에의 강한 동기 유발 효과를 느낄 수 있으며, 풍부한 사례와 실험을 통해 얻어진 행동지침들이 설득력 있게 제시되어 있다는 것이다. 가족 문제에 관한 한, 그 어느 책보다 실천에 가까이 있는 책이다.

이 책이 독자로 삼고 있는 대상은, `성공 이데올로기`에 밀려 무시되어온 가족의 가치를 깨닫고 어떻게 하면 행복한 가정을 일궈낼 수 있을지 고민하는 사람들과, 가정 불화가 심각한데도 어디서부터 어떻게 손 대야할지 막막한 채 기존의 관성대로 살아가는 사람들이다. 사회적으로는 성공했지만 가정적으로는 그렇지 못한 사람들, 직장에서는 리드 하지만 집안에서는 속수무책인 사람들도 이 책의 독자층이다. --^조유식^(1999-04-02)

책소개

<성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관>의 저자 스티븐 코비가 행복한 가정을 만드는 원칙과 실천지침을 제시한 책. 표지에 “1,200만 세계 독자가 기다려온 스티븐 코비의 최신간”이라는 선전문구가 들어 있는데, 스티븐 코비로부터 감화받은 바 있는 그의 팬들 입장에선 과장된 선전문구로 느껴지지 않을 성싶다.대부분의 사람이 첫번째로 꼽는 삶의 가치는 가족이다.

그러나 과연 우리는 가족에게 얼마 만큼의 관심과 시간을 기울이고 있는가? 혹시 업무나 친구, 취미가 생활의 중심을 차지하고 있지는 않은가? 만일 가족에 문제가 있다면 그것은 바로 당신 자신이 문제가 있기 때문이다. <성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관>에서, 성공전략을 `처세술`로부터 `인간관계의 철학` 수준으로 끌어올린 스티븐 코비는 가족문제에 대해서도 근본적이고 실제적인 처방을 내놓는다.

가족 문제를 얘기하는 책들 중 `사랑`이라는 정서적 접근과 당위에 머물러 있는 책이 적지 않다면, 이 책은 가족이 안고 있는 문제의 핵심을 밝혀내고 구체적 해답을 제시하려고 노력한다. 스티븐 코비는 가정생활의 7가지 원칙을 실생활에서 효과적으로 실천하게 하는 다양한 지침을 제시한다.가족의 공동비전을 설정하는 "가족사명서 만들기", 가족간의 신뢰를 쌓은 "감정은행 계좌 만들기", 유대감과 공감을 높이는 "가족간의 일대일 만남", 가족구성원의 존재 의미를 다지는 "가족내 역할과 계획" 등이 그것이다.

또한 각 장마다 성인과 10대 자녀, 어린 자녀들과 7가지 원칙을 어떻게 실천할지 구체적인 실행지침을 제시한다. 독자들이 자신의 상황에 따라 이것을 실천할 수 있도록 돕고 있다.저자는 그 자신이 9명의 자녀를 둔 아버지이자 여러 손자를 둔 할아버지이다. 그는 이 책에서 자신의 이야기를 솔직하게 털어놓는다. 또 자기계발 컨설턴트로 일하며 경험한 수많은 개인과 가족들의 다양한 사례를 소개한다. 독자들은 이들 사례를 보며 공감과 반성의 시간을 가질 수 있다.


목차
1. 주도적이 되라
`정지 버튼` 만들기 / 네 가지 천부적 능력을 활용하기 / 다섯 번째 천부적 능력 / 사랑은 동사 / 천부적인 능력도 노력해야 쓸 수 있다 / 영향력의 원, 관심의 원 / 어떤 언어를 사용하는지 살펴보자 / 감정은행 계좌 만들기 / 작은 친절의 큰 힘 / 1퍼센트도 남김 없이 사과를 / 등 뒤에서 험담하지 말자 / 약속을 하되 지켜야 한다 / 용서하기 / 사랑의 일차 법칙, 순수한 사랑에는 조건이 없다 / 문젯거리는 모두 저축의 기회 / 습관 1, 다른 모든 습관의 열쇠

2. 습관 2 - 목표를 확립하고 행동하라
우리 가족의 최종 목적지는? / 우리 가족의 사명서 작성 이야기 / 목적지와 나침반을 함께 얻는다 / 가족 사명서 만들기 / 가족 사명서의 위력 / 친척도 하나로 묶어 주는 사명서의 힘 / 세 가지 주의 사항 / 대나무를 기억하라

3. 습관 3 - 소중한 것부터 먼저 하라
소중한 일을 먼저 하지 않는다면 / 왜 소중한 일을 먼저 하지 못하는가? / 부모라는 독특한 역할 / 하부구조가 흔들리면 모든 것이 동요한다 / 가족을 이끄는 것은 공중 그네 묘기 / 정북향은 변하지 않는다 / 누가 우리 자녀들을 양육할 것인가 / 외부에서 내면으로의 방법은 더 이상 효력이 없다 / 가족 내에 구조 만들기 / 주간 가족의 시간 / 가족 사명서를 가족 헌법으로 / 계획의 시간 / 가르침의 시간 / 문제 해결의 시간 / 즐기는 시간 / 실천을 다짐하기 / 일대일 만남의 시간 / 부부간의 일대일 만남의 시간 / 자녀와의 일대일 만남의 시간 / 자식을 바꾸는 것은 지식이 아니라 사랑 / 큰 돌을 먼저 넣어라 / 역할을 중심으로 계획하기 / `여기까지` 그리고 `이제부터`

4. 습관 4 - 상호 이익을 추구하라
지는 것을 좋아하는 사람은 없다 / 승/패의 결과 / 패/승의 결과 / 유일한 대안은 승/승 / `나`에서 `우리`로 / 승/승의 정신을 어떻게 계발할 것인가 / 승/승 합의서 만들기 / 합의서가 지배하는 가족 / 승/승 합의의 다섯 가지 요소 / 큰 그림으로 보기

5. 습관 5 - 경청한 다음에 이해시켜라
고통은 오해에서 시작한다 / 이해는 가장 큰 저축 / 심리적 공기 / 감정은행 계좌의 저축은 이해에서 / 모든 사람은 여리고 상처받기 쉽다 / 억누르는 짐을 벗어 던지기 / 화나는 일 극복하기 / 충실한 통역자가 되어라 / 공감적 경청의 원칙 / 빙산의 일각과 빙산의 몸체 / 공감의 마술사 되기 / 자신을 이해시켜라 / 피드백 주기 / 습관 5의 문화 만들기 / 성장 단계 이해하기 / 시너지의 문을 여는 열쇠

6. 습관 6 - 시너지를 활용하라
모든 습관의 최고선, 시너지 / 1시너지는 모험이다 / 차이점을 존중하고 활용하라 / 차이점이 없으면 시너지도 없다 / 프로세스의 가동 / 가족의 면역 시스템 / "시각이 다르군요. 하지만 좋습니다." / 함께 해결책을 찾아라 / 시너지 연습법 4단계 / 플러스 거래의 시너지 / 모든 상황에 시너지가 필요한 것은 아니다 / 아주 귀하고 감동적인 열매

7. 습관 7 - 끊임없이 쇄신하라
엔트로피 / 상호 의존적인 쇄신의 힘 / 가족 쇄신의 핵심은 전통을 만드는 데 있다 / 쇄신의 정신 배양하기 / 전통은 가족의 상처도 치유한다더보기

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책속에서

만일 우리가 사회의 다른 모든 분야에서 최선을 다하면서 가족을 등한시 한다면, 그것은 가라앉고 있는 타이타닉 호에서 갑판 의자를 가지런히 정돈하려는 것과 마찬가지가 될 것입니다.

저자 및 역자소개
스티븐 코비 (Stephen R. Covey) (지은이) 

세계적으로 존경받는 리더십 권위자, 가족 공동체 전문가, 교사이자 조직 컨설턴트다. 원칙 중심의 삶과 리더십으로 가족과 조직을 구성하는 법을 가르치며 평생을 보냈다. 하버드대학교에서 MBA 학위를 받았으며, 브리검영대학교에서 박사 학위를 받고 조직 행동학 및 경영 관리학 교수, 교무처장, 부총장을 역임했다. 세계적인 베스트셀러 《성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관》 외에도 《소중한 것을 먼저 하라》, 《원칙 중심의 리더십》, 《성공하는 사람들의 8번째 습관》 등 베스트셀러가 3,000만 부 이상 판매되었다. 특히 세계 40개 언어로 번역... 더보기
최근작 : <스티븐 코비에게 배우는 효과적인 삶>,<살고 사랑하고 업적을 남겨라>,<성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관> … 총 452종 (모두보기)


김경섭 (옮긴이) 
《성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관》 《코엑티브 코칭》 《창의적 교수법》 같은 세계적인 명품 교육들을 한국에 도입한 리더십·코칭 분야 선구자이다. 강의와 코칭으로 아시아 연합운동을 시작했고, 기업은 물론 가정, 학교, 공공 기관이 모두 가슴 뛰는 꿈을 찾아 위대한 성공을 일굴 수 있도록 돕고 있다. 또한 한국코치협회와 청소년교육컨설턴트협회를 창립하여 수만 개의 새로운 직업을 창출하고 있다.

최근작 : <꿈과 끼를 펼쳐라! 밤하늘에 수많은 별처럼>,<암을 이겨내는 사람들의 7가지 습관>,<생각 표현하기 트레이닝 Facilitation Graphics> … 총 62종 (모두보기)
Editor Blog자기계발의 대가, 스티븐 코비 별세 l 2012-07-17
우리는 날로 엄청난 변화가 일어나고 있는 세상에 살고 있습니다. 이러한 변화는 사업체, 가족, 학교, 정부, 개인들로 하여금 피부로 느끼게 하고 진짜 도전과 두려움을 가져오며 그 속도가 점점 빨라지고 있습니다. 이러한 도전의 해결책은 여러 원칙들에 있습니다. 이 원칙들은 영원한 것들입니다. 이것들은 우리가 주변의 변화에서 살아남고, 태풍의 눈에도평온하게 가...

평점분포    8.5
=== 
구매자 (2)
전체 (2)
공감순 
     
가족을 위해 구입한 책이지만, 동서와 조카에게 선물한 책! 다시 구해야 하는데..  구매
웨슬리 2008-09-05 공감 (2) 댓글 (0)
==
     
소중한 것을 먼저 하라는 전략적 사고법을 가족 문제에 적용시킴으로, 가족의 소중함의 절실함을 다시 한 번 깨우치게 되었습니다.  구매
해님 2012-08-29 공감 (0) 댓글 (0)
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마이리뷰
구매자 (1)
전체 (15)
===
     
가족이 우선일 수밖에 없다..

가족은 가장 당연시 되고 무감각해지기 쉬운 또 다른 형태의 사회이다. 그냥 축소판이라고 해야할까. 매일 아침 가장 먼저 얼굴을 보게 되고 잠들기 전 또 한 번 얼굴을 보게 되는 사람들이 가족 아닌가. 가장 가까이 있어 그들의 기본적인 욕구와 의견을 무시하게 되고 작은 마찰과 불화라도 생길때면 이해할 수 없다는 듯 넘겨버리지 않는가. 이것은 무책임한 행동임에 말할 것도 없다. 지금 당신이 알아야 할 것이 있다. 곁에 있는 소중한 이들을 소홀히 대함으로서 당신 자신이 잃어 가고 있는 것이 있다는 것을. 바로 자신을 효율적으로 경영해나가... + 더보기
상생 2004-02-19 공감(3) 댓글(0)
===
     
마이리뷰
     
가족이 우선일 수밖에 없다.. 

가족은 가장 당연시 되고 무감각해지기 쉬운 또 다른 형태의 사회이다. 그냥 축소판이라고 해야할까. 매일 아침 가장 먼저 얼굴을 보게 되고 잠들기 전 또 한 번 얼굴을 보게 되는 사람들이 가족 아닌가. 가장 가까이 있어 그들의 기본적인 욕구와 의견을 무시하게 되고 작은 마찰과 불화라도 생길때면 이해할 수 없다는 듯 넘겨버리지 않는가. 이것은 무책임한 행동임에 말할 것도 없다. 지금 당신이 알아야 할 것이 있다. 곁에 있는 소중한 이들을 소홀히 대함으로서 당신 자신이 잃어 가고 있는 것이 있다는 것을. 바로 자신을 효율적으로 경영해나가... + 더보기
상생 2004-02-19 공감(3) 댓글(0)
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3주간에 걸친 감동...

3주간에 걸쳐 읽었던 성공하는 가족들의  7가지 습관을 오늘 드디어 끝마쳤다.

좀 더 빨리 읽지 못한것이 후회 될 만큼 벅찬 감동이 올랐다. 스티븐 코비 박사의 저서는 처음 읽어 보았다.   다른 책도 구입해서 읽어볼 예정이다.

이 책을 제대로 활용 하기위해서는 소설이나 수필을 읽듯이 한번 죽 읽어  내려 가기보다는 내게 필요한 부분을 메모 해가면서 그리고 줄도 쳐가면서 읽어야 할 것 같다.  그리고 한번 읽고 책꽂이에 장식용으로 꽂아두는 것이 아니라 내손이 닿기 좋은 곳에 가까이 두고 긴장이 풀리거나 가족간의 대화가 뜻대로 풀려가지 않을때,  무언가 가족간의 관계가 소원해 질때 두고 두고 참고하면 좋겠다는 생각을 했다.

이 책의 내용대로  각 가정이 7가지 습관을 의식적으로 실천하고 노력한다면 튼튼한 가정이 모여있는 우리 사회는 좀더 건강해 질것이고 청소년 비행이나 왕따 와 같은 청소년 문제는 자연스럽게 해결 되지 않을까 생각해본다. (물론 나의 바램 이겠지만....)

이 책에 예시된 상황들을 우리 가정에 그대로 접목 시키기에는 민족적인 정서나 각자 처해있는 환경이 다를수 있겠지만  7가지 습관이라는 기본 골격을 응용해서 각자의 환경에 적용 시켜 본다면 우리 가정은 한걸음 더 발전되고 한걸음 더 행복해진 가정이 될것이라고 생각해본다 .

건강하고 행복한 가정을 원하는 사람이라면, 결혼을 앞둔 예비 부부라면, 부부나 가족간에 문제가 있는 가정이라면 누구든지 읽어 보기를 권하고 싶다.  한단계 업 그레이드 된 가정을 만드는데 도움이 되리라믿는다.

jane 2004-06-26 공감(3) 댓글(0)
===
     
가정이 평안해야 한다

'성공'이라는 말이 추상적이긴 해도 성공이라함은 개인에 더 치중되기 마련이다.. 개인의 사고와 변화됨을 강조하며 성공하는 길에 이르게 해 주고자 수많은 책의 포화상태에서 오히려 우리의 판단력을 요구하는게 현 실정이다...
스티븐 코비의 '성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관'이라는 제목의 책이 나와있지만 사람들 대신 가족이라는 수식어가 없었다면 이 책도 그냥 지나쳐 버렸을지도 모른다.. 내 자신의 소중함만 키워 가고 그 중심축이 오로지 나였던.. 그래서 늘 식상하고 의미없는 날들의 연속이 존재의 상실감에까지 영향을 미치고 있을때 '가족'이라는 단어만으로도 무언가 내 뒷통수를 치고 있다는 느낌을 받았다.. 나는 정말 소중한 것을 잊고 있었다는 사실을 인정하게 된 것이다.. 이 세상이 내 중심으로 생각되어지고 나 혼자서 모든걸 견디어 온 것 같아도 분명 내게도 가족이라는 울타리가 있었고 존재해왔기 때문이다...
책을 읽기 전에 이런 메세지가 나의 가족을 생각해 보겠다는 계기가 되었고 다 읽고 난 후에는 진정으로 생각하고 실천해 보겠다는 굳은 의지가 되었다.. 읽는 내내 참 많은 반성과 가능성과 희망을 맛보았고 앞으로 가족을 꾸려나가야 할 사람들이 읽어도 참 좋겠다는 생각을 했다.. 결혼을 하기 전에 연애를 하듯.. 아이를 키우기 전에 소중한 가족을 꾸려 나가기 위해 준비하는 것.. 그리고 다듬어 나가는 것이 아이를 낳으므로써 부모가 된다는 것, 결혼을 함으로써 부부가 되는 것과는 분명 다르다는 것을 알기 때문이다...

이 책에 있는 내용을 다 파악하고 이해하며 수용하는 것은 무리일 것이다... 그러기에는 이 책이 조금 두꺼운 감도 없지 않지만 상식적으로 볼때 완벽추구는 더 많은 트러블을 낳기 때문에 정말 우리가족이나 내게 필요한 것만 끈기있게 수용하고 실천하더라도 많은 변화와 유대감이 형성될거라 생각한다..

책에서는 7가지 습관을 제시해 주고 있지만 그 분류는 굳이 하지 않더라도 7가지 과정이 순차적이라는 느낌을 받을 것이다..

1.주도적이 되기 2.목표를 확립하고 행동하기 3.소중한 것부터 먼저하기 4. 상호 이익 추구하기 5.경청한 다음에 이해시키기 6.시너지 활용하기 7. 끊임없이 쇄신하기.....

용어가 조금 딱딱하고 국내가 아닌 외국의 작가가 쓴거라 정서적인게 조금은 안맞고 또 이론적인 부분에서는 조금은 어렵고 깊이 있게 들어간다는 느낌을 받을지라도 읽다보면 가슴이 충분히 느낄 수 있다는 사실을 알게 될 것이다.

나는 아직 미혼이라 내 가정과 아이들과 남편이 없지만 그런 가족에서 자녀의 위치에서 성장했고 존재하고 있고 현재는 언니집에서 동생,이모,처제라는 위치에 있다... 그래서 충분히 그 구성원의 일원으로써의 내 자신과 우리 가족의 울타리를 생각해 보며 비교할 수 있었다...
어렸을때 나는 대가족 틈에서 막내라는 타이틀(?)로 성장했따.. 가족이 많아 늘 북적거렸고 모든게 부족했고 내 자신의 욕구를 채우기에 급급했던 것 같다.. 부모님은 일하시느라 일일이 신경을 못 써주셨고 막내이기 때문에 투정 부릴 줄만 알았지 누군가를 돌보고 화목을 도모한다는 것은 상상할 수 조차 없었다... 그래도 막연히 가족이 많아 좋았다라는 생각만 가지고 있었지 어째서 소중한지 어째서 귀한지 잘 몰랐다.. 책에서 나온 사례들을 보고 우리 부모님이 어렸을때 저렇게 해주었다면 나의 모습은 달라졌을 텐데 라고 막연한 부러움이 앞섰지만 나에게는 아직 가능성이 있었다..내게 가족이 있고 또 새로운 가족을 만들 수 있기 때문이다.. 그 가능성을 생각해 볼때 지금부터 내가 어떻게 해야 하는지 무얼 해야 하는지 조금씩 틀이 잡혀간다..
그러나 요즘 나는 언니와 형부가 없을때 남겨진 조카들 때문에 고민을 한적이 많다.. 맞벌이 하는 언니와 형부가 집에 있는 시간이 적기 때문에 그 가정에서 아이들과 가장 많은 시간을 보내는 사람은 나다.. 즐겁게 보내는 시간도 많지만 아이들이 잘못하거나 내가 짜증이 날때 내사고에 의한 행동과 방법이 올바른가 그른가에 대한 판단이 잘 서지 않기 때문이다...

처음엔 언니와 형부처럼 조근조근 얘기도 하고 혼내기도 하면서 아이들을 다뤘다.. 그러나 시간이 지날수록 아이들을 대할때 소리지르고 윽박지르기 일쑤고 체벌도 서슴치 않는 횟수가 증가하고 있음을 느꼈다.. 거기다가 나의 스트레스의 대상이 아이들이 된 적이 너무나 많다는 생각이 들었다.. 책에서 나오는 사례들.. 그리고 독자에게 말해주는 메세지가 짙어 갈수록 그런 자각은 더 드러났다.. 특히 '경청하고 이해시켜라'라는 부분을 읽을때 나와 조카들의 관계가 가장 먼저 생각이 났고 상황을 곰곰히 생각해 보며 무엇이 잘못되어 가고 있는지 생각해보게 되었다...

습관 4에서 나오는 승/패에만 치우쳐 조카들이 인격체로 성장해가고 있음에도 경청,이해하기,이해시키기,나의 의견 말하기는 완전히 무시되고 있었다.. 그런 부분이 막혀 있기 때문에 나는 언제나 조카들에게 승이여야 했고 조카들은 패여야 했다.. 그러나 계속 이런식의 관계는 더 악화될뿐 친밀감과 유대감 그리고 가족이라는 소속감까지 떨어지고 있었다.. 그런 생각을 늘 하고 있었는데 이 책을 통해 확실하게 문제점을 발견했고 해결책과 가능성을 엿보았다..
조카들과의 유대관게.. 그리고 더 나아가 언니와 형부까지 포함해 가족이라는 관계성 울타리에서 서로가 어떻게 해야 하는지 무엇이 필요한지 알게 되었다.. 부족한게 너무 많았다...
사랑,이해,감사,표현,가족이라는 연계성,대화,경청등....

부족한게 너무나 많지만 앞에서도 말했듯이 이 모든걸 한꺼번에 이루려 한다면 더 악화가 될수도 있을 것이다.. 차근 차근 꾸준히 하는게 중요하다.. 그리고 모든 가족이 참여하고 마음을 열어야 한다.. 그게 결코 쉬운일만은 아닐 것이다.. 그러나 가족이기 때문에 그리고 문제점을 알고 개선시켜야 할 필요성을 느끼기 때문에 같이 노력해야 한다..

나는 동생이기 때문에 언니네 가족에서 싸이드가 된 느낌이 들수도 있겠지만 다음에 그런 가족을 분명 만들 터인데 내가 조카들에게 했던 것들이 그대로 전수되지 말란법이 없다.. 어쩌면 더 심할수도 내 아이니까 더 편애적으로 할 수도 있을 것이다.. 나는 현재 가족의 일원이지만 미래의 가족을 경험하고 있는 것이다.. 현재의 그런 삶이 미래의 나의 가족에 지대한 영향을 미치는 것은 자명한 일이다.. 그래서 현재의 삶을 소중하게 이끌어 나가고 가족이라는 공동체 안에서의 삶이 돈독해 진다면 분명 미래는 나의 가족.. 그리고 현재 나의 가족까지도 풍요롭고 끈적한 유대감과 사랑이 넘치는 관계를 만들어갈 수 있을 것이라 생각한다...

이 책에서 말해주는 많은 것을을 실천할수도 그리고 그것들을 다 담을 여유도 없다.. 어쩌면 이 책을 읽고 가족과의 공동체가 아닌 내 자신을 스스로 제어하고 변화시킴으로써 가족에게 미치는 영향이라고 판단할수도 있을 것이다.. 그러나 내 자신은 결코 혼자서 이루어진 존재가 아니다.. 가족이 있기에 내가 존재하고 있는 것이다..

그 가족안에서 나는 개인이고 내가 가장 소중한 것 같아도 '나'라는 독립적 개체가 아닌 '우리'라는 공동체 자체이다..

내가 부족하면 우리라는 존재 그 자체가 채워줄 것이다..
막연한 채움이 아닌 진정한 마음과 조건없는 사랑이 바탕이 되어 관계를 맺어 가면 서로 서로의 빈곳이 채워져 '우리'라는 '가족'이라는 든든한 울타기라 되는 것이다..
그런 울타리 안에서 나는 소중함이 되고 싶지 않은가...
소중함이 되고 싶다면 당장 가족과의 관계를 회복하라고 말하고 싶다...

- 접기
안녕반짝 2007-05-14 공감(2) 댓글(0)
===
혼자 읽기 아까운 책

성공하는 가족들의 7가지 습관

[[ 읽게된 동기 ]]

스티븐 코비 박사님의 저서들을 몇 권 본적이 있다.
'성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관', '성공하는 사람들의 8번째 습관'이 그것인데
이 두가지 책을 읽고 나의 생각과 생활습관에 많은 변화가 생겼다.
프랭클린 플래너를 사용하기 시작한 것과 그로인해 많은 사람을 새로 알게 된 것..
7가지 습관대로 살고자 노력하는 훌륭한 사람들이 그렇게나 많다는 것을
그동안 내가 얼마나 비효율적으로 살았는지 등등....
아마도 그 책을 읽은 수많은 사람들이 비슷한 경험을 했을 것이라 생각된다.
2005년 쯤인가..  7가지 습관을 거의 6개월 정도 걸려서 읽었던 것 같다.
그만큼 내용도 많을 뿐 아니라..
그냥 술술 읽을 수 없는, 읽는 도중 앞부분도 수시로 봐야하고
책의 내용과 당시의 자신을 계속 비교해 가며 생각할 것이 아주 많았던 것으로 기억한다.
작년부터인가 머릿속에서 책의 내용이 지워져 갈 때 쯤..
다시 한 번 시간을 내서 꼼꼼히 읽어야겠다고 마음먹었는데...
1년이 다 지나도록 한번 펼쳤던 그 책을 다시 집어들지 못하고 있었다.

그러는 와중에 이 책 '성공하는 가족들의 7가지 습관'이 눈에 띄어
반가운 마음에 얼른 집어 들게 되었는데...
이번엔 열흘정도 만에 읽었으니
3년전 당시보다 책읽는 것에서는 많이 발전하지 않았나 자축해 본다  ^^

[[ 읽는 동안 느낀점 ]]

코비 박사님은 강연을 하시는 분 답게 많은 사람들과 만날 기회가 많으신 것 같다.
그래서 이야깃거리..를 저장해 둔 창고가 아마도 엄청나게 크지 않을까 생각해 본다.
그런 이야기 창고를 바탕으로 책을 쓰시니 그 안에 적혀있는 수많은 실제 이야기들과
코비 박사님의 대가족 사이에서 일어나는 일들을 독자들은 마치 자신의 일인것 처럼
생생하게 전달받고 그분의 말씀-즉 7가지습관-에 더욱 집중하게 된다.

이 책은 이전작인 '성공하는 사람들의 7가지 습관'보다 쉽게 씌여져서
읽어 나가는데 큰 어려움은 없다..
그러나 읽고나서 생각해 보니 쉽게쉽게 읽을 수 있는 사람이 많지는 않을 것 같다
왜냐하면 아직 결혼을 하지 않은 나의 경우에도
책을 읽으며 그 속에 있는 수많은 실제 이야기들을 보며
나의 경우와 비교하고 또 앞으로 결혼해서 가정을 갖게 되면 어떻게 해야 할지
책을 잠시 덮고 생각할 것이 정말 많았는데..
하물며 결혼을 해서 자녀가 있는 사람들이 이 책을 읽으면
아마도 노트에 이것 저것 요약하며 따라서 해야 할 일들을 메모하느라
책을 읽는 진도가 더더욱 느려질 것이기 때문이다..

게다가 책을 읽으면서 주변에서 가정생활에 어려움을 겪는 사람들이
(애들이 말을 안듣는다고 속상해 하는 직장선배나,
와이프하고 된통 싸우고 씩씩거리며 출근한 친구녀석.. 등등)
마구 떠올라 도저히 이 책을 혼자서만 볼 수가 없게 된다...

그래서 내 경우에는
책을 50페이지 쯤 읽었을 때 이 책을 5권 더 주문해서
우리과 직원들에게 선물로 드렸는데..
그 중 한분도 이책을 읽고 생각나는 친구분이 있다고 또 주문을 하셨다고 하니...
이 책의 내용을 구구절절히 소개하는 것보다 훨씬 낫지 않나 싶다..
그래서 [[ 책의 내용 ]]은 과감히 생략!!!

[[ 기억에 남는 구절 ]]

"사람들이 나름대로 최선을 다했을 때에는 그것이 기준에 미치는지 아닌지는 전혀 중요하지 않다"
습관 5 경청한 다음 이해시켜라 편에 나오는 코비박사님의 경험담으로부터의 교훈..

어느날 코비박사님의 고된 여행 끝에 아주 지친몸을 끌고 녹초가 된 상태로 집에 돌아왔는데
하루종일 작업실 청소를 한 아들이 박사님을 맞았다.
아들은 자신이 할 수 있는 최대한의 노력을 다해 작업실을 공들여 청소하느라 지쳐있는 상태에서
아버지(박사님)이 자신을 칭찬해 줄꺼라는 믿음으로 눈빛을 반짝이며 기대하였는데...
박사님은 자신의 기준에 부족한 부분을 지적하며 '이것은 왜 안했니... 저건 왜...'라고
이야기 하셨다.. 순간 아들의 눈에서 빛이 사라지는 것을 보고 즉시 실수한 것을 깨닫고
사과하고 왜 그랬는지 설명했지만 그날 저녁 내내 아들의 눈에서 생기가 돌아오지 않았다...

다른 사람이 주요한 업무와 맡은 일을 완성하였거나 큰 노력이 필요한 일을 완수했을때는
항상 존중과 감사와 칭찬을 해야하는 것이다..
- 접기
mumuki 2008-12-14 공감(2) 댓글(0)
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우리 가족 성공시키기....

이 책은 구입을 하였다. 지침서는 구입을 하는게 좋다는게 나의 생각이여서, 과감하게 구입하였다. 본인은 아들과 딸이 있는 주부이다. 나에겐 항상 배가 아픈것이 있었다. TV에서 보면, 어느 가족은 모두가 성공하였다. 가족의 구성원이 어떻게 전부다 성공할 수 있을까? 나는 의문에 휩싸였다. 그 와중에 이 책을 발견했다. 일전에 나는 [성공하는 10대들의 7가지 습관]을 읽어(아들책을 읽어 보았음) 꾀 좋은 책이라고 생각하였다. 한가지 아쉬운 점이라면, 좀 어렵다는 것이다. 내가 책을 적게 읽어서 일까? 여러운 문장이 많이 있었다. 하지만 내용은 풍족하다. [10대들의...]와 비슷한 형식으로 짜여져 있었다. 이 책의 20%정도는 어려워서 중도 포기 했다. 하루에 한개씩 실천하면 꼭 성공하는 가족이 될것이라고 장담한다.
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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families: Creating a Nurturing Family in a Turbulent World

by 
 4.08  ·   Rating details ·  10,872 ratings  ·  359 reviews

In his first major work since The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey presents a practical and philosophical guide to solving the problems--large and small, mundane and extraordinary―that confront all families and strong communities. By offering revealing anecdotes about ordinary people as well as helpful suggestions about changing everyday behavior, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families shows how and why to have family meetings, the importance of keeping promises, how to balance individual and family needs, and how to move from dependence to interdependence. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is an invaluable guidebook to the welfare of families everywhere. (less)

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Harini Gopalswami Srinivasan
Aug 03, 2011rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help
I didn't expect to like this book as I have a hefty mental block against self-help books. An earlier occupant of my office had left it on the shelf and I eyed it with contempt for years before curiosity finally drove me to flip through the pages. And wham! I suddenly realized all the hype around Stephen Covey wasn't just hype. He is one of those rare people -- I have known two or three in my life -- with the facility of clear thinking, who intuitively understand cause and effect, and therefore act in such a way as to produce the desired outcome.

Why can't the rest of humankind do this? I really don't know. Once we have it pointed out to us, we see it; but there is a kind of fog around our brains that prevents us seeing it on our own. Why else are there so many frustrated people, so many unhappy families? it's not because we want to hurt ourselves and those around us, it's because we don't understand how to 'begin with the end in mind', to think clearly about where we want to go and chalk out our flight plan to get there.

If you're a confused mortal wondering why nothing works out the way you want it to, read this book! If you can practise the techniques it describes, good for you! And even if you can't do it all the time, you'll still gain a better understanding of yourself and your problems. You may skip a lot of the stories, examples and re-caps, as I did. but you'll still get enough out of the book to make you glad you read it.
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Dennis Mitton
Feb 25, 2014rated it liked it
I’ve resisted the Stephen Covey bandwagon: his particular presentation doesn’t appeal to me. His books – to me – read a bit too much like tracts. And the sappy stories and drawings kind of freak me out. I have an overall sense that he is restraining his desire to preach, to lead me to salvation, to shout ‘AMEN!’ But I won’t for one single second deny that he has an unusual insight and wisdom pertaining to success and purpose.

So I read The Seven Habits for Families. There is a lot in here. So much so that I think this is almost better used as a reference book – something to page through every now and then to mull over for a few days. From my vantage the real value of the book comes in the first few chapters when Covey explores the stimulus-pause-response cycle. Something happens – a child breaks a vase or a dad gets a bonus and we have an inclination to act. Act now. To be in the moment, so to speak. Covey takes some pages to show that this space between action and response is where we are able to direct our futures. Our decisions about how to respond set up our future circumstances. It’s a cycle that we can use to point our lives in a direction of our choosing.

Through the rest of the book he focuses on the Seven Habits with applications for families: priorities, relationships, family and personal growth. He spends a good amount of time on the family business plan: putting together a real document that outlines a family’s core principles, priorities, and goals. Take this with a grain of salt and adjust it to your family situation. Other reviewers point out that a family is not a business or a sports team. True enough. But the truism sums it up: it’s easy to get there when you don’t know where you are going. The family plan is an opportunity to talk about what is important and to set common goals. Nothing has to be written in stone. Real business plans certainly aren’t. They set goals and develop plans for how to reach them and then, at regular intervals, assess how they are doing and make requisite changes. I was impressed that Covey stresses that this is not something that is to be churned out in a weekend by dad – it’s not a rule book. He cautions that everyone in the family must be able to take the time they need to think hard about how they and their desires fit into the family. It’s clear to me that the plan is well in play when you simply start thinking about it.

The book settles nicely into Covey’s folksy, ah shucks writing style. It’s easy to read and easy to digest. Some will call it wishful thinking – this is the new millennium after all. Families look different, entertainment looks different, you can have an electronic pet if you prefer. But I think Covey would say that we still want the same thing: parents want their children to grow up to be kind and respectful. We want to enjoy meaningful time with our family and friends. Children want to be understood and listened to. Though the times change human nature remains the same.

People come to these kinds of books with different expectations. For some the book will provide a few useful tips for navigating your family toward a known goal. Others will find it a godsend of wisdom. I find it hard to imagine a family that couldn’t benefit from a reading of the Habits for Families.
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Mommywest
Mar 26, 2009rated it it was amazing
Written using the same principles that were introduced in the bestselling "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," Stephen Covey applies The Seven Habits to the family using personal, family, and others' experiences to illustrate each concept. Every chapter includes ways to apply the principles in the family, and ways to teach the principles to your family. I've only read a chapter or two of the first Seven Habits book, and so I enjoyed not only learning about the Seven Habits, but how they apply to the family. Like any program, the Seven Habits takes time and application, and then patience to see results, but the Seven Habits are grounded in truths that will help anyone or any family have better relationships and be more successful in life. I loved the illustrating stories and the personal insights that Dr. Covey, his wife, his family, and others shared to help the reader learn how to apply the principles. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants ideas on how to improve family relationships and create a beautiful family culture.

When we lived in student housing at BYU, our stake president (the leader of several LDS congregations) was John Covey, Dr. Covey's brother. We had the privilege of having a half-day seminar given by John and Stephen Covey based on these principles, with break-out sessions given by his wife and daughters and one of the counselors who also worked for Covey. There was no promotion of the company whatsoever; just an excellent discussion of how to build our little budding families in positive, inspired ways. I've always appreciated the time they took out of their busy lives to teach us the doctrines of Jesus Christ and the practical application of them using the experiences they've had in applying the Seven Habits and other truths.
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Erin
Sep 26, 2012rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I read this as an audiobook which turned out to be a mistake. It's just too hard to absorb the ideas when you are driving, and I wanted to make notes and had to settle for voice memos. When I do a reread, as I should, I will read the paper or e-version.

That said, it was a sound book with a lot of good suggestions. We are actively working on our family dynamics so that we can bring our a-game in anticipation of another child, and this book gave my husband and I a lot of good talking points. I think that's the key to any self-help book like this: you're not going to change just from reading them, but you'll walk away with ideas and things to discuss with your partner, and that's where the change slowly seeps in. See, even "change" is too strong a word because it implies a problem, and you don't need to have a problem to get something from this book. It's more like adding a weight-lifting program to your fitness regime so that you can tone existing muscles. This helps you tone your family structure.

The 7 habits for my own reference are:

1. Be proactive:
rather than reactive

2. Establish a written family or personal mission statement:
Ok yes, this sounds cheesetastic, and no, we haven't done it yet, BUT it is an interesting discussion to talk about what you each think your family's core mission is. Why are you a family unit? What are you hoping to achieve?

3. Put first things first
Your family is first and should be a top priority. Really, actually schedule it on the calendar and treat it like a business meeting. The time is filled, you can't schedule anything else there. This is such a great suggestion, and one we've already put into practice. I had to turn down a fun invitation this Friday because I'd already committed to a storytime with my son. It was on the calendar, so I had that time blocked out for him, and I knew it was a priority for us.

4. Think "win-win"
Boy, isn't this life with a toddler? Every day we try to give him choices (so he feels independent) that we can live with (so we get what we need too). It seems that this extends into older children and family life.

5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
I loved this one. One thing Covey said that I had to record was that when you love someone, you must love the things they love as much as you love the person themself to truly accept that person.

6. "Synergize"
Find a way to foster family unity through differences, not in spite of.

7. "Sharpen the saw"
Continually work on these 7 things (Covey offers the analogy of a person sawing for two hours to chop down a tree when someone asks if they have tried sharpening the saw. "are you crazy? I can't stop for that!")
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Heather
Mar 01, 2015rated it it was amazing
I really liked 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and in the context of families it makes even more sense.

7 Habits:
1: Use your agency/be proactive. Use the pause button to use 4 gifts.
2: Begin with the end in mind (personal, spouse, family motto/creed).
3: Put first things first (one-on-one time, family nights).
4. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
5. Think win-win
6. Synergy
7. Sharpen the saw

Husband's comment: Covey is a genius. He has taken certain practices/principles of the LDS church and made them available to a general audience and made a fortune.
My favorite take away: the Emotional Bank Account; every interaction with a member of your family can either be a deposit or a withdrawal. 
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Teresa Raetz
Jan 01, 2014rated it it was ok
I am an admirer of Stephen Covey and his seven habits so I was primed to like this book. There is some good stuff here about adapting the habits to family life, but the book has three large flaws. First, it's repetitive. The sections could each be about 1/3 to 1/2 the length but he repeats himself over and over. I understand the thing about people needing to hear things seven times to get it but this doesn't work well in a book. Second, Covey has very clear biases in favor of the traditional model where the wife stays home and the husband works (and of course same-sex couples don't exist in this world). He refers to single parents but this is apparently the only time it's acceptable for women to work. He's pretty explicit about this belief, going off on a lengthy tangent a little over halfway through and citing research but conveniently leaving out the research that doesn't support his bias. In a world where most mothers work, he gives no attention to how that changed a family. Then there was this: There are real life stories throughout and in one of them a woman tells a bizarre story from her teenaged years about a movie night at home with her mom, who was pregnant. The mom had a miscarriage while they were home alone but she subverted her feelings when her daughter found her in the bathroom. They cleaned up and went on as normal. The adult daughter reflecting back said "instead of wallowing in her grief...she cared more about my feelings than her own and turned what could have been a traumatic experience for me into a positive one." A POSITIVE experience? I found this disturbing. The mother didn't seek medical care or even have a chance to process the feelings and this is seen as a good thing? This is an example of how NOT to handle a miscarriage in my opinion. I didn't actually finish the book because this stopped me in my tracks. (less)
Katie
Nov 17, 2014rated it it was amazing


Getting through this book was very difficult for me. Not because the content was bad, just because it was very...dense. (Also because I'm bad at reading.) If I was reading very meticulously as I am wont to do, I could only manage a couple pages before my brain was saturated. I think, honestly, it could've done with quite a few less stories and examples, and there were definitely times I felt like though something was quite interesting, it wasn't really necessary. You can tell the guy is very well-learned and...maybe wants to show it. Nevertheless it was all quite fascinating.

The content was really quite good in my opinion, though I'm not quite sure how to describe it. It isn't exactly a 7 step system as one would assume, as those are pretty straightforward. It's more like... 7 methodologies for living? Almost like, psychological principles.

It is definitely very wholesome which I appreciate. He covers the importance of spiritual, social-emotional, physical/economic, and mental aspects of life and their importance. He covers modeling and mentoring. Empathetic LISTENING. Creating a win-win situation instead of the win-lose our culture seems to follow. Making the important (not urgent) a priority in our life.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone that is a part of a family, wants to have a family, or interacts with people. So basically, everyone. My only hesitation is just the length and density. I know there are abridged versions and cliff notes, those might be able to capture the essential methodologies so if you can't make it through the book, try those. Definitely worth having in your tool bag.
(P.S. I like how for our premarital counseling we were required to read several books that were no where near the quality of this. UGH GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE. I would HIGHLY recommend this for anyone getting married or especially recently married. THE END.)
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Barbara
Feb 12, 2010rated it it was amazing
This book is the same content as The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but with a particular emphasis and examples relating to families. I loved how it taught about teaching your children resposibility and how a parent can help most effectively while still letting your children learn. I am glad I read this book now as a fairly new parent because it has already made several things easier and I feel like a much better parent. Although Thom did not read this specific book, he has read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and so we have had many good discussions on parenting techniques and what works for us. (less)
Donna
Dec 03, 2017rated it liked it
Shelves: non-fiction
I liked the overall message in this, but with me being such a raging cynic, I struggled with execution. I listened to the audio and it turned me off. It felt like a "let's hold hands - kumbaya fest". I don't know what it is, but that kind of thing gets my hackles up.

However, in spite of the cynic within, I did find that this book has some practical applications for strengthening families and how to keep things on a positive note. Keeping the end result in mind, was something I wholeheartedly agree with....particularly when it comes to discipline.
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Brian Bojo
Aug 05, 2011added it
Shelves: 2010
This book took me a while to read because I took extensive notes, which I do not normally do. Covey's 7 Habits as applied to families seek to promote what Covey calls "a beautiful family culture." The author points out that these habits can be applied to any family at any stage of life. To summarize, the 7 habits are as follows: (1) Be proactive rather than reactive; (2) Establish a written family mission statement and written family values; (3) Make family your top priority; (4) Try to create "win-win" scenarios; (5) Seek first to understand, then to be understood; (6) "Synergize", or put all of these together; and (7) "Sharpen the saw", or continually renew yourself and your family physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally.



Numerous anecdotes throughout the book, which are shared by Covey, his family members, and others, provide excellent illustration of the 7 habits. Those of us who learn well via the case method are well served.
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JC
Oct 07, 2010rated it really liked it
Shelves: kindle2010my-firsttime
I don't know how this book got on my kindle, but I am glad that I took the time to read it. I have never read the first book by Stephen Covey, but must say that I quite enjoyed this book and the habits that are presented here for making your family the most important in your life and the most successfully you can. I really like how this book starts out by talking about how we are off course 90% of the time in the family, and we must constantly work to get things back on track. This is a great reference book and one that I want to get my hands on so that I can write in it, highlight it, and make notes. I will definitely be rereading this book as I wasn't fully ready for all of the guidance given here. I highly recommend this book to everyone, single, married or otherwise. (less)

[책] I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better Gary B. Lundberg 2000

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships 
by Gary B. Lundberg | Goodreads:
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships
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2000, ‎ 336 pages



 4.15  ·   Rating details ·  846 ratings  ·  158 reviews
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.
Joy Saunders Lundberg is a writer and speaker. Together with her husband Gary Lundberg she presents seminars and workshops throughout the country and cohosts a weekly radio show on relationships. The parents of five children, they live in Provo, Utah. Meet them on their Web site at www.allbetter.net.
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In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of fixer and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends. (less)

 Average rating4.15  ·  Rating details ·  846 ratings  ·  158 reviews
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Write a review
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Juliana
Feb 28, 2008Juliana rated it it was amazing

After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.

To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."

Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.

Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.

I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.

This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex yet interrelated. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.

The previous book reviews, in order, are:

flag8 likes · Like  · 2 comments · see review

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Top reviews from the United States
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Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars
 This book changed and improved my life.
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2018
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This is the 4th time I have purchased this book. It helped me so much in dealing with my mother, who has borderline personality disorder, that I have purchased it 3 additional times for others that are faced with similar relationships as mine. 

Probably the most life-changing concept that I learned from this book is that when you do everything for someone else, you are taking away the opportunity for that person to learn from their experiences. 

Because of this book, I have been able to let go of the guilt when I say 'no' to my mother's constant requests for my attention and help. Don't get me wrong, my mother is 83 years old and needs help. But when she calls me, crying, because she can't get the tv to work, I don't drop everything in order to go fix her tv. I suggest to her that she listen to a book on tape or find another activity. She may not be happy with me, but this book has given me the courage to say 'no', or when to say 'I'll get to it when I can', and not feel guilty about it. 
I'd recommend it to anyone in a similar situation as I am, or any parent that tends to do everything for their children.

14 people found this helpful

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Jerianna
May 27, 2011Jerianna rated it it was amazing

This book is a life-changer. I read it in bits and pieces and have tried to digest it and make it a part of who I am and how I respond to people. It has already changed the way I treat my children. I have a really long way to go...Something is better than nothing, I guess.
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Tiffany
May 14, 2016Tiffany rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-improvement

Wow! This book just crossed my path for a moment, and I am so glad I took the time to read it. I am constantly feeling guilty either about not being able to help when I want to, or about being manipulated into helping when I don't want to help others solve their problems. And I know I need to work on being a better listener. This book addressed the issue of being a great listener, validating others, and keeping healthy boundaries in a respectful way.

The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships. There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents & in-laws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job. Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow!

My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember: (view spoiler) (less)
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Bryan Tanner
Jan 24, 2018Bryan Tanner rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help, aaa-worth-owning

This was the most-influential book I read in 2017. (I usually finish a book in a week, but I labored over this one for a month.) This book taught me that I lacked many invaluable emotional/listening/change management skills, which I desperately needed in all my important relationships (e.g., romantic, family, service, friends).

Takeaways:

1. I am not responsible for other people's problems. I am only responsible for my own.
2. I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to. Evidence: when has telling someone (emotional) to do something ever worked out really well for them? Never.
3. People are more capable than we think (even children). Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (when they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board).
3. Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live.
4. The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them until they feel listened to and understood.
5. If you continue along someone's emotional path as a non-judgemental friend long enough, a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways act in dealing with their problems. These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than what I might have come up with.
6. Therefore, not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel. Staying silent is. I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and ask compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions.


Other valuable ideas/quotes:

Validation is "the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction."

4 Rules of Validation:
  • Listen (by giving your full attention)
  • Listen (to the feelings being expressed)
  • Listen (to the needs being expressed)
  • Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)"

"The universal need of every human being" is "to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me."

"The underlying principles that allows a person to effectively validate someone else" is "a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better."

The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem.

"The four key elements of effective boundary setting" are "be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm."

Never attempt to teach when the person is upset or in the heat of the moment. Cool down, and find another time.

Good validating phrases/questions:
  • "That's got to be hard.
  • I think I might have felt the same way.
  • How did you feel about that?
  • What do you think might work?" (less)

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Keith
Jul 30, 2020Keith rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage, self-help

I don’t have to make everything all better. All I have to do is listen!

Listening is hard to do. We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem. It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were. Don’t prescribe, just listen.

Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.

Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”

“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree. (Introduction)

“...every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)
----
Contents

Part 1: The Principles
1. Be an effective validator
2. Leave the responsibility where it belongs
3. Acknowledge emotions
4. Develop the art of listening
5. Find the right time to teach
6. Learn the effective validating phrases and question

Part 2: The Application
Chapters illustrating validation in various setting follow

Conclusion
1. What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ...”
2. What are the four rules of validation?
- LISTEN (by giving your full attention)
- LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed)
- LISTEN (to the needs being expressed)
- UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)
3. What is the universal need of every human being?
4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?
5. Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?
6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?
7. When is the right time to teach?
8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266-267 of 272)
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It is written with lots of anecdotes. At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to. After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book. I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.

I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages. (less)
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Rachel M.
Feb 23, 2019Rachel M. rated it it was amazing

Lund’s ideas really resonated with me. I’ve been trying to be better about how I react to my kids (mis)behavior and this really helped me think how to stay calm and give them the validation they need.
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Betsy
Jul 04, 2013Betsy rated it it was amazing

This is a fantastic book. I can't recommend it enough for "fixers" like me, who really do just want to make it all better. Practical advice that works to help heal relationships and to keep hurt feelings and misunderstandings at bay. I have begun to incorporate the principles espoused in this book and I can tell you they work beautifully. I believe reading this has saved my relationships with my daughters. I can't put it more strongly than that. Most times people want validation of their feelings, not advice or criticism. I know for me, when I go to someone for sympathy and to vent, and instead get "I told you so", or their own stories, it makes me resentful of not being heard. This book made me realize how often I do that as well, and it's past time for a change. (less)
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C Janet 
Feb 21, 2015C Janet rated it it was amazing
Shelves: good-read

This should be mandatory reading for every parent. Commonsense approach for learning to walk beside someone but not take on their issues. This is our 5th copy. We originally purchased this book in the late 1990's. We have given 4 copies away to friends and have had wonderful feedback. Just dealing with our adult children, we find we have to reread this to know how to support them emotionally but not solve their problems. Wish I had had this book while raising kids!!! Excellent! Truly a good read. (less)
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Grandma

Jul 09, 2008Grandma rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: parents, family members, friends
Recommended to Grandma by: Cindy Brown

I am learning how to respond to husband, friends, family
when they ask for advice that you don't do a put-down but instead a validation. It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.
Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem. It even works on children. (less)
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Bethany
Jan 19, 2018Bethany rated it it was amazing
Shelves: emotions-boundaries
This book was a complete perspective-changer for me. It gave me tools to set boundaries that I have been wanting to set for a long time. For some it may be overly simple or not broad enough, but for me it came at just the right time (recommended from an amazing friend) and gave me just what I needed. Very clear examples of how to practice the principles that are taught.
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Caroline
Nov 01, 2014Caroline rated it it was amazing
Shelves: brainy
IT's the love and logic book for adults and other relationships. I need to read again.

-no advice, make people figure it out on their own
-teaching moments come later, not in times when the emotions are high
-empathy
-ask questions to help them come to own solution.
(less)
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Dominique
Feb 06, 2020Dominique rated it really liked it

I was surprised at how much I liked this book. Reading it was obligatory for book club, and I’m not usually a “self-help” type book-lover. But I gave it a chance for book club and was pleasantly surprised. This book doesn’t present any new concepts, but the way it explains them makes so much sense. 

It is practical and applicable and makes you want to apply the principles right away, because I want to be listened to and understood as well! 
I thought it was very freeing to be told I’m not responsible for others’ problems, and also very humbling for when I’ve tried to solve others’ problems when I should have been listening. I thought it had a good amount of examples to see how it applies, and although there was quite a bit of repetition, it wasn’t annoyingly done. I liked the chapters of how to validate and listen to the many people and relationships we have in our lives. It’s also not a very long book which was a good thing.

I would recommend this book to everyone. (less)
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R.C.
Nov 30, 2017R.C. rated it really liked it
Shelves: wisdom
This book is almost 20 years old, slightly dated, and still relevant. I picked it up because I know I have a tendency to get caught up in others' problems, but I never realized how much I try to give advice when I should instead be listening and offering support. I'm not one of those people who sees others as slackers who want me to fix everything for them, but I do often want to give advice, which cuts short my attentive listening and can annoy whoever I'm talking to. This book gets a bit repetitive in its examples, and it would have been nice to have a bit more discussion of using the principles discussed with coworkers instead of customers/family, but still, it's thought-provoking and has already made me attempt to change how I interact with others. (less)
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Greg
Oct 25, 2020Greg rated it liked it
Shelves: personal-development, religion-and-spirituality

Really liked the first chapter in which Lundberg explains his ideas on empowerment. Appreciated the next couple of chapters as well, but then I realized the remainder of the book was simply applying the same principles in different situations. Sometimes it was worthwhile, but more often it was either so obvious that it was unnecessary, or else it was enough of a stretch that I thought there were better ways to handle the situation.

My advice? Read the first 20% of the book to understand his ideas ...more
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Karin
Mar 02, 2019Karin rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help, parenting, communication-skills, breastfeeding

This was such a breath of fresh air. Just listen. Listen and validate.

This book is older and I assumed it would be full of manipulation, but it wasn't. Until you get to the chapters on children (who "learn to manipulate early") and blended families. 
Other than that, the theory chapters were wonderful and I wonder how I went so many years not having read it. I will be remembering his phrases and questions. I am already able to integrate this into my communication with others. And I have added it to my own communication sessions. (less)

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Julia
Feb 24, 2020Julia rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
  • Quick read, with pretty simple concepts. 
  • I liked how they provided chapters specific to certain relationships (co-worker, parents, children, blended families, etc). 
  • There is a Christian undertone throughout, with references to morals, prayer and at one point the Bible is suggested as an additional reference. 
  • This book is more for people who are new to holding boundaries and the concept of validation. 
  • I was hoping this would be more focused on how to alleviate the feeling of being responsible to help anyone who needs it; this book is more focused on how to redirect conversations. (less)
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Aimee
Feb 23, 2021Aimee rated it it was amazing
This was given to me by a friend when I took on some new leadership responsibilities at my church. I found it an enjoyable read with, as promised, practical principles. Clear examples of everyday situations also helped to visualize how to use validation and support to help others solve their own problems.

These are not new ideas, I don't even think they were new when this was written in the 1990s, so it may feel like a repeat of other books. That said, I would still recommend it to everyone. Put ...more
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Erin
Nov 06, 2020Erin rated it it was amazing
I wish I had known about this book 18 years ago! My parenting would have been so different! Luckily, the principles taught in this book not only apply to small children, but teenagers, adult children, spouses, aging parents, friends, and co-workers! I have learned the importance of listening and validating others, letting them talk and figure out their own solutions to problems. There are very relatable examples and suggestions throughout this book!
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Joan Kay
May 10, 2018Joan Kay rated it it was amazing
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I recommend this book frequently to clients. It is an easy-to-read, practical guide to some basic communication skills which will enrich all your relationships. Those with adult children who are having a hard time "launching" seem to find it particularly helpful. (less)
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Jeff Merrill
Jan 26, 2020Jeff Merrill rated it it was amazing
His ideas seem simple at first, but in application, they are quite profound. He explains how validating others better helps them with their problems while freeing you from the (false) sense of responsibility to solve their problems for them. I expect this book to have a lasting impact on all my relationships.
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Olea
Sep 19, 2021Olea rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Such a fantastic book! It helped me so much in creating better skills to communicate with my daughter as she transitioned into adulthood. I only wish I'd known it existed years ago! My communication and relationships could have all been better for so much longer! Definitely recommend!! (less)
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Customer Reviews: 4.6 out of 5 stars    223 ratings


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Brian Carman
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Book! Addresses every human's issue of value and meaning.
Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2013
Verified Purchase

Many of us don't understand that we can't be happy because we won't let ourselves be happy. We've been scared of feeling our emotions of fear or resentment or other tough emotions. As children, we often get the subconscious message that we aren't important, our emotions don't matter, and people don't care about us.

In I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, we learn that every human has a basic need to feel that they have worth, their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. It gives six principles for how to treat others that way. It has several examples of how to apply these principles with our children and others so they feel they have worth, that their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. And if we're smart, we'll start to treat ourselves and our own emotions in the same way so we, too, can feel our feelings like we're made to do. Our feelings are where we "feel" fulfilled. If we're always stuffing them so we can't feel them, we won't be able to truly feel fulfilled (joyful and peaceful).

Following these principles allows people to keep their problems and gives them the freedom to figure their problems out on their own with maybe just some carefully placed, considerate questions. We never have to take on someone else's problems (unnecessary weight on our shoulders). We never have to fix anyone's problems, because we can't make anything all better for anyone. We can only do that for ourselves, and so others must do that for themselves, too. And it's very gratifying for us and them when this happens, especially with our kids. No more need to control our kids emotions. There's now a method for letting them feel their emotions to let them process and pass. Then the problem solving can begin for the child. We don't have to fix their problems. We just have to be supportive in the right way and let them find their own solutions. This takes a huge weight off our shoulders as parents. This book can benefit just about anyone.

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15 people found this helpful
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molly
5.0 out of 5 stars !!!RELIEF!!! & world peace
Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2011
Verified Purchase
Strongly recommended for clergy and husbands. You can not give advice until it is begged for, many light years from now. Shut up and surrender to listening.

Q. How can I offer social support without taking on the burden of other peoples problems?
A. Active Listening

summary:

The art of listening means I don't have to fix it, just feel. I do not have to solve the problem necessarily, just validate and dignify the feelings and experiences of others. (i.e. "That must be hard"!) I can offer emotional support while leaving the responsibility where it belongs. No one is more capable of solving our problems than those who understand it best, ourselves. We just want to know that we are not alone. To Listen seems simple enough but it is an acquired skill and takes practice. Listening is an Art. Feel with me. It's healing to cry together. "Mourn with those that mourn" - easu

active listening is..
..reflecting back feelings: *Acknowledge feelings: mad, sad, glad, afraid *Paraphrase, summarize and ask questions *Body Language, show interest, keep them talking. Active listening is an effective service we can do every day.

so, what you're saying is..
We do not have to agree ("yes", "uhuh"), Only observe ("hmmm", "oh", "ah", "wow"), ask open ended questions, use validating phrases and paraphrase. Find ways to relate. Learn to say no. "no. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help." or "no. ask me again sometime."

shut up and listen
Sigmund Freud use to exhaust himself trying to help his clients, and solve their problems. Finally he got depressed himself, gave up, and just sat there listening to people talk. He discovered that the more people talk the more they are able to resolve their own psychosis and get things in perspective. He encouraged them to keep talking through active listening skills, asking them 'open' ended questions such as: *"how does that make you feel"? *"Tell me more about.." *"Wow. I hear your joy, frustration, anger, fear.."

advice
Advice can sound critical because it may way oversimplify complex experiences. If we must we can express our concerns in the form of a question so that it does not sound presumptuous, judgmental and alienating. But that can wait for the right teaching moment and another conversation entirely. The right teaching moment is 'not' in the heat of the moment. For now build relationships, give the gift of time, attention, and just listen.

open ended questions

*Oh? *I hear you saying.. *So what you're saying is.. *Is that correct? *What does that mean? *How did you feel about that? *What did you do? *And then what did you do? *What would you like to do? *When do you think it could be done? *What do you think the outcome will be? *What do you think might work? *What do you think would work next time? *Are there other options? *What happened? *How did it happen? *Where did it happen? *When did it happen? *What did you think? *How could you stand it? *How did you stand that? *And then what did you say? *What do you think caused the problem? *What's wrong? *What went wrong? *What was that like? *Did you enjoy that? *Did that hurt your feelings?

validating phrases

*Oh *I'll bet that's hard *That would hurt *I think I might have felt the same way *That must be frustrating *I'm so sorry that happened to you *Wow! *That's interesting *What a difficult position to be in *That's awful! *I don't blame you one bit. *That's wonderful! *That was good. *I'm happy along with you. *I'm happy for you. *I'm sad with you. *That's painful *I'll bet that was difficult *I feel like crying, too. *What an awkward situation to be in *That was amazing *I'll bet that was fun *That's neat *I'll bet you'll miss him *I would have been embarrassed, too *That's exciting *I never thought of that *What a good idea *What a good way to handle that situation *That just might be the best solution *Well, if that doesn't beat all *Oh, my goodness. *Oh, no! I know how much that meant to you. *That's a tough spot to be in. *That's a real bummer *That's got to be a real challenge *Tell me more

vocabulary of feelings

Don't make it personal, stick to how you feel. "I feel.." vs "you are.." State level of intensity, strong, moderate, mild.

fear

terrified, frightened, intimidated, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror stricken, stage fright, dread, vulnerable, paralyzed, - afraid, scared, fearful, apprehensive, jumpy, shaky, threatened, distrustful, risky, alarmed, butterflies, risks, awkward, defensive - nervous, anxious, unsure, hesitant, timid, shy, worried, uneasy, bashful, embarrassed, ill at ease, doubtful, jitters, on edge

care

tenderness toward, affection, captivated, attached to, devoted to, adoration, loving, infatuated, enamored, cherish, idolize, revere, honor, worship - caring, fond of, regard, respectful, admiration, concern for, hold dear, prize, taken with, turned on, trust, close - warm toward, friendly, like, positives toward,

glad

thrilled, on cloud nine, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, elated, sensational, exhilarated, fantastic, on top of the world, turned on, euphoric, enthusiastic, delighted, marvelous, great, cheerful, lighthearted - happy, serene, wonderful, up, aglow, glowing, in high spirits, jovial, riding high, elevated, neat - glad, good, contented, satisfied, gratified, pleasant, pleased, fine

mad

furious, enraged, seething, outraged, infuriated, burned up, pissed off, fighting mad, nauseated, violent, indignant, hatred, bitter, galled, vengeful, vicious - resentful, irritated, hostile, annoyed, frustrated, upset with, agitated, mad, aggravated, offended, antagonistic, exasperated, belligerent, mean, vexed, spiteful, vindictive, uptight, disgusted, bugged, turned off, put out, miffed, irked perturbed, ticked off, teed off, chagrined, cross, dismayed, impatient,

sad

desolated, dejected, hopeless, alienated, depressed, gloomy, dismal, bleak, in despair, empty, barren, grieved, grief, despair, grim - distressed, upset, downcast, sorrowful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, weepy, rotten, awful, horrible, terrible, blue, lost, melancholy - unhappy, down, low, bad, blah, disappointed, sad, glum

hurt

crushed, destroyed, ruined, degraded, pained, wounded, devastated, tortured, disgraced, humiliated, anguished, at the mercy of, cast off, forsaken, rejected, discarded - hurt, belittled, shot down, overlooked, abused, depreciated, criticized, defamed, censured, discredited, disparaged, laughed at, maligned, mistreated, ridiculed, devalued, wronged, mocked, scoffed at, used, exploited, debased, slammed, slandered, cheapened - put down, neglected, overlooked, minimized, let down, lonely - isolated, abandoned, all alone, forsaken, cutoff - lonely, alienated, estranged, remote, alone - left out, excluded, lonesome, distant, aloof

confused

bewildered, puzzled, baffled, perplexed, trapped, confounded, in a dilemma, quandary, full of questions, confused - mixed up, disorganized, foggy, troubled, adrift, lost, going around in circles - uncertain, unsure, bothered, minimized, let down, disconcerted, frustrated, in a bind, ambivalent, disturbed, helpless, embroiled, uncertain

inadequate

worthless, good for nothing, washed up, powerless, helpless, impotent, crippled, inferior, emasculated, useless, finished, like a failure - inadequate, whipped, defeated, incompetent, inept, overwhelmed, ineffective, lacking, deficient, unable, small, insignificant, unfit, unimportant, incomplete, no good, immobilized, lacking confidence, unsure of yourself, uncertain, weak, inefficient

shame

guilt, humiliated, unforgivable, disgraced, horrible, mortified, exposed, sick at heart, ashamed, guilty, remorseful, crummy, to blame, lost face, demeaned, regretful, wrong, embarrassed, at fault, in error, responsible for, blew it, goofed, lament

our biggest vice is advice

Paradigm- "Seek first to understand Then to be understood" ~Stephen R. Covey. Do not let our certainty be a mask for insensitivity. We are keenly aware of our own challenges, or others perception of them. We do not need to be reminded. "Thank you anyway, I got it covered." To actually feel with others can be cathartic for us as well. The Lundberg's book is almost total relief of stress, suffering and it is the answer to world peace. Must be required curriculum in our schools. Print this out now. Buy up all used copies and give them to your friends, spouse, colleagues, and clergy. Learn a new language and end stress and suffering. Live happily ever after.

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10 people found this helpful
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David K.
5.0 out of 5 stars Easy to read; Simple to do; Incredible results
Reviewed in the United States on December 14, 2017
Verified Purchase

This is such a wonderful book with knowledge that can change relationships in the simplest manner. It is a quick and easy read, and is not filled with a dozen new things you need to learn. Yet the change it creates is astounding! I've begun practicing what I've learned and have had amazing results. And it works for everyone. When I've finished reading it I will start again so I can keep the information fresh in my mind to change the way I communicate and interact with others. It's like The Bible for Good Relationships.

4 people found this helpful
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Kay
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and Practical Book
Reviewed in Canada on April 27, 2019
Verified Purchase
If only I remembered to always follow the book's advice!! Easy to read and understand where the author is coming from. I took notes to condense the book, and periodically review them. The methods do work. It's hard to change one's regular behaviors, so I personally need to remind myself to use the advice from the book. Of all the advice books I've read in my lifetime, this is by far the best one. It's all about validation, having others feel that they are understood (you don't have to agree with them, but you can still understand their point of view). Just that de-escalates lots of tensions. Now if only I can stop giving advice.....
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Jessie
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read
Reviewed in Canada on August 14, 2019
Verified Purchase
Almost done reading this and the advice while practical and logical is often not practiced. A good reminder and after implementing some of the recommendations it has improved many aspects of communication with my loved ones.
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MTJ