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Buddhism and sexuality - Wikipedia

Buddhism and sexuality - Wikipedia



Buddhism and sexuality

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In the Buddha's first discourse, he identifies craving (tanha) as the cause of suffering (dukkha). He then identifies three objects of craving: the craving for existence; the craving for non-existence and the craving for sense pleasures (kama). Kama is identified as one of five hindrances to the attainment of jhana according to the Buddha's teaching. Throughout the Sutta Pitaka the Buddha often compares sexual pleasure to arrows or darts. So in the Kama Sutta (4.1) from the Sutta Nipata the Buddha explains that craving sexual pleasure is a cause of suffering.
If one, longing for sensual pleasure, achieves it, yes, he's enraptured at heart. The mortal gets what he wants. But if for that person — longing, desiring — the pleasures diminish, he's shattered, as if shot with an arrow.[1]
The Buddha then goes on to say:
So one, always mindful, should avoid sensual desires. Letting them go, he will cross over the flood like one who, having bailed out the boat, has reached the far shore.
The 'flood' refers to the deluge of human suffering. The 'far shore' is nibbana, a state in which there is no sensual desire.
The meaning of the Kama Sutta is that sensual desire, like any habitual sense pleasure, brings suffering. 
To lay people the Buddha advised that they should at least avoid sexual misconduct (See Theravada definition below). 
From the Buddha's full-time disciples, the ordained monks and nuns, strict celibacy (called brahmacarya) had always been required.

Overview[edit]

Former Vice President of the Buddhist Society and Chairman of the English Sangha Trust, Maurice Walshe, wrote an essay called 'Buddhism and Sex' in which he presented Buddha's essential teaching on human sexuality and its relationship to the goal (nibbana). The third of the five precepts states:
Kamesu micchacara veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami,
The literal meaning of this statement is, "I undertake the course of training in refraining from wrong-doing in respect of sensuality." Walshe comments,
There is, in the Buddhist view, nothing uniquely wicked about sexual offenses or failings. Those inclined to develop a guilt-complex about their sex-life should realize that failure in this respect is neither more, nor, on the other hand, less serious than failure to live up to any other precept. In point of fact, the most difficult precept of all for nearly everybody to live up to is the fourth — to refrain from all forms of wrong speech (which often includes uncharitable comments on other people's real or alleged sexual failings!)...What precisely, then, does the Third Precept imply for the ordinary lay Buddhist?
Firstly, in common with all the other precepts, it is a rule of training. It is not a "commandment" from God, the Buddha, or anyone else saying: "Thou shalt not..." There are no such commandments in Buddhism. It is an undertaking by you to yourself, to do your best to observe a certain type of restraint, because you understand that it is a good thing to do. This must be clearly understood. If you don't think it is a good thing to do, you should not undertake it. If you do think it is a good thing to do, but doubt your ability to keep it, you should do your best, and probably, you can get some help and instruction to make it easier. If you feel it is a good thing to attempt to tread the Buddhist path, you may undertake this and the other precepts, with sincerity, in this spirit.[2]
The Buddha's teaching arises out of a wish for others to be free from dukkha. According to the doctrine he taught, freedom from suffering involves freedom from sexual desires and the training (Pali: sikkha) to get rid of the craving involves to a great extent abstaining from those desires.

In Theravada[edit]

Theravada uses the pali suttas and commentaries for references. Bhikkhu Nyanamoli has provided an English Translation of the Majjhima Nikaya 41, "He is given over to misconduct in sexual desires: he has intercourse with such (women) as are protected by the mother, father, (mother and father), brother, sister, relatives, as have a husband, as entail a penalty, and also with those that are garlanded in token of betrothal."[3]

Celibacy and monasticism[edit]

Apart from certain schools in Japan and Tibet, most who choose to practice Buddhism as ordained monks and nuns, also choose to live in celibacy.[4]
Sex is seen as a serious monastic transgression. Within Theravada Buddhism there are four principal transgressions which entail expulsion from the monastic Sangha: sex, theft, murder, and falsely boasting of superhuman perfections.[5] Sexual misconduct for monks and nuns includes masturbation.[6] In the case of monasticism, abstaining completely from sex is seen as a necessity in order to reach enlightenment. The Buddha's criticism of a monk who broke his celibate vows—without having disrobed first—is as follows:
Worthless man, [sexual intercourse] is unseemly, out of line, unsuitable, and unworthy of a contemplative; improper and not to be done... Haven't I taught the Dhamma in many ways for the sake of dispassion and not for passion; for unfettering and not for fettering; for freedom from clinging and not for clinging? Yet here, while I have taught the Dhamma for dispassion, you set your heart on passion; while I have taught the Dhamma for unfettering, you set your heart on being fettered; while I have taught the Dhamma for freedom from clinging, you set your heart on clinging.
Worthless man, haven't I taught the Dhamma in many ways for the fading of passion, the sobering of intoxication, the subduing of thirst, the destruction of attachment, the severing of the round, the ending of craving, dispassion, cessation, unbinding? Haven't I in many ways advocated abandoning sensual pleasures, comprehending sensual perceptions, subduing sensual thirst, destroying sensual thoughts, calming sensual fevers? Worthless man, it would be better that your penis be stuck into the mouth of a poisonous snake than into a woman's vagina. It would be better that your penis be stuck into the mouth of a black viper than into a woman's vagina. It would be better that your penis be stuck into a pit of burning embers, blazing and glowing, than into a woman's vagina. Why is that? For that reason you would undergo death or death-like suffering, but you would not on that account, at the break-up of the body, after death, fall into deprivation, the bad destination, the abyss, hell...
Worthless man, this neither inspires faith in the faithless nor increases the faithful. Rather, it inspires lack of faith in the faithless and wavering in some of the faithful.[7]

Lay Buddhism[edit]

The most common formulation of Buddhist ethics are the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path, which say that one should neither be attached to nor crave sensual pleasure. These precepts take the form of voluntary, personal undertakings, not divine mandate or instruction. The third of the Five Precepts is "To refrain from committing sexual misconduct.[8][9]
Celibacy or Brahmacariya rules pertain only to the Eight precepts or the 10 monastic precepts.
According to the Theravada traditions there are some statements attributed to Gautama Buddha on the nature of sexual misconduct. In Everyman's Ethics, a collection of four specific suttas compiled and translated by Narada Thera, it is said that adultery is one of four evils the wise will never praise.[10] Within the Anguttara Nikaya on his teachings to Cunda the Silversmith this scope of misconduct is described: "...one has intercourse with those under the protection of father, mother, brother, sister, relatives or clan, or of their religious community; or with those promised to someone else, protected by law, and even with those betrothed with a garland"[11]

Sexual Yoga[edit]

See also: Tantra techniques
According to some Tibetan authorities, the physical practice of sexual yoga is necessary at the highest level for the attainment of Buddhahood.[12] The use of sexual yoga is highly regulated. It is only permitted after years of training.[13] The physical practice of sexual yoga is and has historically been extremely rare.[14] A great majority of Tibetans believe that the only proper practice of tantric texts is metaphorically, not physically, in rituals and during meditative visualizations.[14] The dominant Gelug sect of Tibetan Buddhism holds that sexual yoga as an actual physical practice is the only way to attain Buddhahood in one lifetime. The founder of the sect Tsongkhapa did not, according to tradition, engage in this practice, but instead attained complete enlightenment at the moment of death, that being according to this school the nearest possible without sexual yoga. The school also taught that they are only appropriate for the most elite practitioners, who had directly realized emptiness and who had unusually strong compassion. The next largest school in Tibet, the Nyingma, holds that this is not necessary to achieve Buddhahood in one lifetime.[15] The fourteenth Dalai Lama of the Gelug sect, holds that the practice should only be done as a visualization.[14]

Homosexuality[edit]

Main article: Buddhism and sexual orientation
Among Buddhists there is a wide diversity of opinion about homosexuality. Buddhism teaches that sensual enjoyment and desire in general, and sexual pleasure in particular, are hindrances to enlightenment, and inferior to the kinds of pleasure (see, e.g. pīti, a Pāli word often translated as "rapture") that are integral to the practice of jhāna.[citation needed][16] The Buddha Gotama once stated, “Just as rain ruins an ill-thatched hut, passion destroys an ill-trained mind.” [17]
The third of the five precepts admonishes against "sexual misconduct"; however, "sexual misconduct" is a broad term, subject to interpretation according to followers' social norms. Early Buddhism appears to have been silent regarding homosexual relations.[18]
According to the Pāli Canon and Āgama (the Early Buddhist scriptures), there is not any saying that same or opposite gender relations have anything to do with sexual misconduct,[19] and some Theravada monks express that same-gender relations do not violate the rule to avoid sexual misconduct, which means not having sex with someone underage (thus protected by their parents or guardians), someone betrothed or married and who have taken vows of religious celibacy.[20]
Some later traditions feature restrictions on non-vagina sex, though its situations seem involving coerced sex.[21]
Conservative Buddhist leaders like Chan master Hsuan Hua have spoken against the act of homosexuality.[22] Some Tibet Buddhist leaders like the 14th Dalai Lama spoke about the restrictions of how to use your sex organ to insert other's body parts based on Je Tsongkhapa's work.[23][24]
The situation is different for monastics. For them, the Vinaya (code of monastic discipline) bans all sexual activity, but does so in purely physiological terms, making no moral distinctions among the many possible forms of intercourse.[25]

See also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. ^ Kama Sutta, Sutta Nipata 4.1
  2. ^ "Buddhism and Sex". Accesstoinsight.org. 2012-12-01. Retrieved 2013-09-14.
  3. ^ Saleyyaka Sutta: The Brahmans of Sala (MN 41)
  4. ^ Saddhatissa, Hammalawa (December 1987). Buddhist Ethics: The Path to Nirvana. Wisdom Pubns; New Ed edition. p. 88. ISBN 0-86171-053-3.
  5. ^ Lopez, Donald S. Critical Terms for the Study of Buddhism. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press. 2005
  6. ^ Olson, Carl. The Different Paths of Buddhism: A Narrative-Historical Introduction. New Jersey: Rutgers University Press. 2005
  7. ^ "Introduction". The Buddhist Monastic Code I: The Patimokkha Training Rules Translated and Explained. Access to Insight. Archived from the original on 2012-08-28. Retrieved 18 August 2012.
  8. ^ Higgins, Winton. "Buddhist Sexual Ethics". BuddhaNet Magazine. Retrieved 2007-01-15.
  9. ^ Bhikkhu, Thanissaro (2005). "The Five Precepts: pañca-sila". Access to Insight. Retrieved September 20, 2019.
  10. ^ Thera, Narada. "Everyman's Ethics Four Discourses of the Buddha" (PDF). Buddhist Publication Society. Archived from the original (PDF) on 2016-03-03. Retrieved 2010-04-16.
  11. ^ Thanissaro Bhikkhu. "Cunda Kammaraputta Sutta". Access to Insight. Retrieved 2010-04-16.
  12. ^ Routledge Encyclopedia of Buddhism, page 781
  13. ^ An Introduction to Buddhist Ethics: Foundations, Values and Issues - Peter Harvey - Google Boeken. Books.google.com. 2000-06-22. Retrieved 2013-09-14.
  14. ^ Jump up to:a b c The Story of Tibet: Conversations with the Dalai Lama - Thomas Laird - Google Boeken. Books.google.com. Retrieved 2013-09-14.
  15. ^ Routledge Encyclopedia of Buddhism, page 781; the briefer statement in this article by Powers should be understood in the light of his fuller statement in his book Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism, Snow Lion, 1995, pages 252f
  16. ^ Stevens, John (cop. 1990). Lust for enlightenment : Buddhism and sex. Shambhala Publ. ISBN 087773416X. OCLC 716757478. Check date values in: |date= (help)
  17. ^ Sangharakshita (2010). The Ten Pillars of Buddhism. Windhorse Publications. pp. 161–164.
  18. ^ James William Coleman, The New Buddhism: The Western Transformation of an Ancient Tradition. Oxford University Press 2002, page 146.
  19. ^ "Cunda Kammaraputta Sutta" [To Cunda the Silversmith]. Translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Access to Insight. 1997. AN 10.176. Retrieved 2011-03-14. Abandoning sensual misconduct, he abstains from sensual misconduct. He does not get sexually involved with those who are protected by their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, their sisters, their relatives, or their Dhamma; those with husbands, those who entail punishments, or even those crowned with flowers by another man
  20. ^
    • Ajahn Punnadhammo. "Same Sex Marriage". The lay man is told to abstain from sex with "unsuitable partners" defined as girls under age, women betrothed or married and women who have taken vows of religious celibacy. This is clear, sound advice and seems to suggest that sexual misconduct is that which would disrupt existing family or love relationships. This is consonant with the general Buddhist principle that that which causes suffering for oneself or others is unethical behaviour. ("Unskillful behaviour" would be closer to the original.) There is no good reason to assume that homosexual relations which do not violate this principleshould be treated differently.
    • Somdet Phra Buddhaghosacariya (1993). Uposatha Sila The Eight-Precept Observance.There are four factors of the third precept (kamesu micchacara)
    1. agamaniya vatthu — that which should not be visited (the 20 groups of women).
    2. asmim sevana-cittam — the intention to have intercourse with anyone included in the above-mentioned groups.
    3. sevanap-payogo — the effort at sexual intercourse.
    4. maggena maggappatipatti — sexual contact through that adhivasanam effort.
  21. ^ harvey, peter (2000). An Introduction to Buddhist Ethics. Cambridge University Press. pp. 421-. ISBN 9780511800801.
  22. ^ Prebish, Charles: The Faces of Buddhism in America, page 255. University of California Press, 1998.
  23. ^ "Even with your wife, using one's mouth or the other hole is sexual misconduct. Using one's hand, that is sexual misconduct". (Dalai Lama, at a meeting with lesbian and gay Buddhists, June 11, 1997). Reported widely, including in: Dalai Lama Speaks on Gay Sex – He says it's wrong for Buddhists but not for society. By Don Lattin, Chronicle Religion Writer, Tuesday, June 11, 1997, San Francisco Chronicle. Text online
  24. ^ Dalai Lama urges "respect, compassion, and full human rights for all", including gays, by Dennis Conkin, Bay Area Reporter, June 19, 1997. Text online Archived 2006-04-23 at the Wayback Machine
  25. ^ George E. Haggerty, Gay histories and cultures: an encyclopedia. Taylor and Francis 2000, pages 146–147.

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Sexual Desire, by The Dalai Lama – Buddhism now

Sexual Desire, by The Dalai Lama – Buddhism now

Sexual Desire, by The Dalai Lama

on 21 MARCH 2014 • ( 7 )


Q: In the West it is thought that desire, especially sexual desire, is a problem because it is largely unconscious. It is also thought that denial and absten­tion only changes the form of desire. How does Buddhism ap­proach the Unconscious?

Dalai Lama: ‘Conscious level’, ‘semiconscious level’, ‘uncon­scious level’ — these are terms used by Western psychologists. Anyway, as you know, in all matters there are limits; it is as well to realize those limits. I think there are two major factors which contribute to our experience of sexual desire — one is the structure of our bodies and the elements within our bodies, and the other is the level of our minds — delusion.

It is, I think, very important to take notice of sexual desire. If you aren’t concerned, or if you don’t have some kind of self-discipline, it very often leads to disaster — family quarrels, children suffering, and also, now, this new phenomenon — AIDS. The Tibetan medical system speaks of seven major centres of energy within the body. Over sexuality reduces that energy, and the immune system becomes less effective. ‘New visitors’ then become powerful. So, now, even this point of view is worth having in order to bring us to some kind of self-discipline.

For laymen, family life should, of course, be lived in the normal way — that is important; but unlimited, over-sexual desire is not good. In the monk’s practice, there are two ways of tackling this problem. One way is less food — the monk does not have food in the evening or in the afternoon — he fasts. That is a way of reducing the physical condition; it is the middle way — not too much hunger, not too much food, especially food in the evening. (The Buddha made the rule that monks should not have an evening meal.) So that is on the physical side.

Then, on the desire side we shall see, if we analyse it, that attachment develops owing to seeing something beautiful — beautiful colour, beautiful shape, beautiful hair, nose, eyes, mouth — it is like that, isn’t it? Now, there are two types of love and compassion and one type is conditioned — ‘beautiful face, beautiful body, beautiful sound,’ — that kind of love is greatly conditioned. 
As soon as these conditions disap­pear, then no more love! So, a few days of great happiness — kissing and cuddling — just a few days — then, no more! It is over because of too much conditioning, which is a result of ignorance. That is not sound love or compassion.

The other type of love and compassion arises when one realizes that others are human beings, sentient beings ‘just like me’, who do not want suffering, who want happiness. And, on that basis, some kind of love, respect and deep understanding comes into being. So long as that kind of realization remains then that love and altruism remains, doesn’t it?


The usual sexual love and desire is the conditioned type. In this respect there are thirty-seven points of practice. 
The first four are related to mindfulness of the body. 
Because of ignorance, because of desire, we become blind; we cannot see the ugliness, the nature of rottenness (impurity) of the body. 
If we analyse skin, these small hairs [on the arm], blood, muscles, bones, there is nothing beautiful about them, is there? 
But, you see, because of blind­ness, because of the influence of negative thought, we con­sider these things to be very beautiful, very dear.

So, the way to control the emotional side is to reduce the intake of food, limit it. Also to limit the clothes we wear: be modest — that is another factor towards reducing physical and mental conditions. 

When these two efforts combine, then a healthy self-discipline develops 
— that is the sense of sila, the sense of morality, for monks. 

Of course, limited sex for laymen is okay, very good, very happy! But it should be realized that there are limits and to go beyond those limits brings dis­aster.

More posts from the Dalai Lama.

First published in the April 1990 Buddhism Now.

Excerpt from a talk given in London in 1988. Published by kind permission of The Office of Tibet.

Photographs from around 1930, are from the British Library #endangeredarchives project.

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Categories: Beginners, Buddhism, Dalai Lama, Mahayana, Tibetan, Tibetan Buddhism

Tags: #endangeredarchives, @bl_eap, British Library #endangeredarchives project, Tibetan medical system


7 replies

Kaptain Kananaskis
7 July 2020 • 4:21 am

Thanks for posting this excerpt. Very insightful, motivating and clear.
Reply ↓

there is nothing in name
9 May 2019 • 8:03 pm

Damn true, I like this post.
Reply ↓

Todd
9 February 2018 • 9:24 pm

Thank you. That guidance got me off the ledge
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Ganesh
16 November 2017 • 11:51 am

Excellent explanation of sexual desire and method to control.
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gubesh
2 May 2017 • 8:01 pm

We can learn a lot from the Monk’s living. Thank you for the post!
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Buddham
21 March 2014 • 5:35 pm

so precious meaning words.._/\_.._/\.._/\_
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Skeggjold
21 March 2014 • 3:14 pm

I so wrestle with this. I accept it and follow it but also wrestle with it.
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Quakers, Sexuality, and Spirituality - Friends Journal

Quakers, Sexuality, and Spirituality - Friends Journal




Quakers, Sexuality, and Spirituality


June 1, 2004

By John Calvi

Talking about sex in any context, even a Quaker one, can be dangerous because we don’t all use the same language. We have different experiences. Sex holds different priorities in various people’s lives. So, I just want to be clear that I am speaking only from my own experience. I am not speaking on behalf of gay men even though I am a member of that circle. I’m not speaking on behalf of first-generation Italian-American immigrants even though I am one. Or Quakers who know how to yodel. I’m just speaking from my own experience.

My own experience includes several different levels. On one level, I was raped and beaten as a young child, so I understand sex as a power to hurt. I am also someone who has spent the last 22 years giving massage and energy work to people who are recovering from traumatic experience. From this I understand the power of touch, sensuality, and intimacy to bring someone back to fullness, to bring someone back to the joy of life after perhaps thinking one could never love life again.

I’m also speaking to you as someone who is 50 years old and came out during that glorious, golden age of gay male sexuality after penicillin but before hiv. I want to tell you it was a good time to learn how to dance—to get out there and have some fun. During this time, gay male sexuality began to move from being sick and illegal towards being something that could be wonderful. It could be a delight. You could meet new people. You could even meet a future spouse at the gay swimming hole like I did.

Another part of my experience, after having a full dance card for several years, is that for 15 years I have been happily monogamous, which is a very different experience. I am talking from all these different perspectives.

I recently spoke with a Quaker sex educator, of which there are very few. When I asked Peggy Brick of New Jersey, “Are you the only one?” she said, “Well, actually Quakers have been very slow about sex education. Other churches have done a lot more than we have.” There were some Quakers who had done sex education a few decades ago but she said they were mostly dead.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s nearly impossible for Quakers to have sex. I’m sorry to inform you of this but it’s true for a couple of different reasons.

1] One obstacle is the tradition of simplicity. There is a desire among Friends—a testimony, a witness—to keep life simple. Those who are going to fall in love or have an affair are going to mess up their simplicity. We are talking major trouble here. Are they going to call back? How does my hair look? And that’s just the beginning. Wait until you’re in the seventh year of a marriage and you realize you’re still at the beginning! If you really want simplicity, if you’re truly devoted to that as a witness, I recommend that you never have sex with anyone and that you never fall in love. It can’t be done simply. It feels too wonderful. It feels too deeply.

2] There’s another obstacle. This is, essentially, that Quakers don’t like power. Quakers would prefer that no one have a lot of power. We would like to divide it up so everyone has just a little bit and no one has a great deal of it. If you are looking to retire from the entire concept of power, sex is just not going to work because it’s such a powerful force. It is such a large thing. It’s such a wonderful power.

I had a friend named Mary. When she was almost 70 years old, she was tired and had arthritis and it was changing her body and she was hurting all the time. Well, Mary fell in love with a fellow who was about 22. They went into her bedroom, locked that door, and didn’t come out until about three weeks later. Her arthritis was almost gone. She said, “I wish my doctors had explained this to me years ago.” She was standing upright. She was smiling. The power of true love, the power of sexual attraction is huge. If power scares you, then there is going to be some difficulty. One of the lovely things about sexuality is to discover that power within yourself, to feel how lush it is, to feel how beautiful it is in someone else, and to join those things together. It’s wonderful.

There’s another problem with Quakers having sex. It is that there’s a very strong, unspoken tradition among Quakers: you’re not supposed to bring attention to yourself. Think about that time that you had a while ago—or maybe that you are looking forward to having—when you have been with that person who just melts your butter, who you look at and you think, “Ooh-la-la!” How wonderful. And you start to feel that tingling feeling and you say slowly, with a deep voice and heavy breath: “Darling, I just love what you’re wearing tonight, and I just want to tell you I love you so much and I thank God we’re together and I’m just wondering if you could come over here and be by me for a while.” Now, if you don’t want to call any attention to yourself, you have got to take that whole feeling and set it aside. You’re going to sound like someone with a high, whiny voice, like, “Honey, would you mind if . . . oh no, no, it’s not that important.” With sexuality you want to love that power. You want to feel it. You want to know it in yourself. You want to find a way to work with it, live with it, and love it. That’s very important.
---
Think what it would be like if we Quakers were more honest about our sexual lives. Think about some of our lovely elders after meeting on Sunday morning, coming out on the porch and saying, “Oh, thank God. Last night we made love! My whole body feels better. Thank God for giving me these feelings. I love my life more now. I like being in the world more. I can spend more time with the pain of the world now because I have felt its beauty deeply. Thank God! I can come home to my body and feel this wonderful inclusion.” Isn’t that great? But, if you can’t call attention to yourself, that’s going to be a problem.
--
There are some wonderful parallels between a spiritual life and a sexual life. These are parts of our lives that we do not always connect. We live in a very noisy world that in many ways is contrary to a deep spiritual life, working against it. This is especially so in U.S. culture. Popular culture is loud and tells everyone to go out and buy everything all the time.

In some ways, a sexual life is the same. There’s such a noise in popular culture about what sexuality should be or could be, what with our being used to buying and selling things and people. In some ways we don’t touch the deeper parts of either spirituality or sexuality unless we actually seek them out, wonder about them consciously, and try to learn about them within our own lives. If you look at the external details of people’s sexual or spiritual lives, we all look very different. It’s an incredible mosaic. But then if you look at the essential details on the inside, the needs of each of us, the longing that each person has, these essences are remarkably similar, both person to person and from sexuality into spirituality.

Another way in which there is a similarity between sexuality and spirituality is that it’s sort of a big, blind date that everyone goes out on because we have this hunger within us. There’s a desire and a hunger for grace, to feel that aspect of the Divine within ourselves—to feel some familiarity with a power greater than us. There is also that yearning for romance and for touch, just the right touch for us. It is highly individual and unique.

I was talking with a young, gay friend in Mexico. He had just gone out on a date and was wondering if it was true love or simply passionate fun. In describing it, he became sad. After talking about it for a while, he realized it really wasn’t the sadness of what had happened on this date, but a sadness that can come because there is this great longing to stop looking. We all have a great hope that there is going to be true love: someone who we’re not going to have to do a lot of translating with because they know all about us. This great longing within each of us is present in both the realm of the Divine and the realm of sex.

There’s another parallel. This is hard to talk about because it’s a concept that a lot of people are beat up with. It’s the idea of sin. I’m thinking of sin as the things that take us away from the Divine, things that take us away from knowing spiritual life more deeply. 
The parallel for sexuality—I’m not sure this is the right word, but it’s a word that can be used—is whoring. By that, I don’t mean prostitution. I mean sex that takes you away from honoring yourself; sex that takes you away from feeling deeply, from beautiful intimacy; sex that takes you away from personal power.

 The interesting thing about the whoring of sex and the sin in spiritual life is that there is no part-time work. If you are signing up for one of those two destructive activities, it’s full-time and it will take you away from your best self. But these concepts have to be applied individually because they are all going to mean different things in our individual lives and experiences. There isn’t going to be someone to tell you the right way to have a life with God or have a life with sex. It is such intimate seeking that it has to be done individually, finding the right language to tell one another what we’ve seen and felt along the way.

I think the most important similarity between these two realms is the concept of surrender. By this, I don’t mean giving up. We have aspects of ourselves that long for something larger and greater than us. If you learn how to surrender in one realm, you can transfer that wisdom into other realms. If you know about surrendering to true love, then there’s the possibility that you can use that learning for surrender to deeper spiritual experience.

If you have done the surrender to deeper spiritual experience, you can use that learning for surrendering to true love. The latter is never an easy surrender because life hurts so much. Sometimes true love comes along—if it does come along, and it sometimes seems we have been waiting a long time, too long—but when it does come along, you have to ask yourself: “Can I unpack the bags? Take out all my disappointments, all my anxiety, and set them aside and really join with this other person?”

This is true of romantic love but it’s also true of more casual relationships. There are lots of different kinds of surrender, lots of ways of learning about this very important concept. When we learn surrender in one place, we can use it to surrender in another place.

I want to conclude with a description. It is this: I take a very tender part of myself and relax it completely. I find that I am able to surrender to something larger than just me. There are many different and amazing feelings and lots of sensation. It can become very exciting and exhausting. It concludes, I experience separation, and it’s just me again. I try to understand everything that’s happened. Now, my query to you is: am I describing surrender to the Holy Spirit in meeting for worship—or am I describing lovemaking? It might be that they are remarkably similar.
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This article is an adaptation of an address to a conference on Quakers and sexuality at Guilford College on February 22, 2002.

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John Calvi

John Calvi, a member of Putney (Vt.) Meeting, has worked with trauma survivors for 22 years. His book on healing from trauma, The Dance between Hope and Fear: The Soft Touch Journals, will be available later this year.
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