I remember one of my first mindfulness classes that pertained to impermanence. I went home in a bit of a slump.
Nothing is permanent; everything ends; “This too, shall pass.” It was quite a shock to the system.
After getting over what, on surface level, seemed to be incredibly dire, I realized that this could be incredibly liberating.
Enter the principle of non-attachment, a notion that has the potential to aid in the evolving nature of day-to-day life.
Rather than clinging to things—relationships, jobs, material goods—hoping that they will last forever, or being fearful that the uncomfortable parts of our lives will never change, we learn to deal with the moments as they arise.
There is power in knowing that our moments can, and will, inevitably shift.
Knowing the good won’t last forever gives us permission to embrace the moment fully without clinging or depending on it.
Acknowledging the bad won’t last forever gives us strength to move forward instead of being caught up in helplessness, and insight to make shifts and changes if need be.
Impermanence is a blessing in disguise. And non-attachment is the only way to truly forgive and love another person.
In my last relationship, I prided myself on being honest and open. I didn’t want to play games, because that’s not the sort of person I am, nor the sort of man I wanted to attract into my life.
I wanted a guarantee that he would stick around and that our relationship was progressing. I wanted to know that he wasn’t going to just disappear from my life, a dialogue from my past that prickled at my defense mechanisms and inevitably pushed him away, too.
This made me fearful and scared, and I shut down intermittently. This invisible pressure burdened the both of us.
The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.
Of course, there were other factors in our relationship. The point here is that there was also an unhealthy attachment present; I became dependent on him, and I clung.
I was like a child who was holding onto a baby animal, who was so scared of it running away that I held it tightly, suffocating it.
Non-attachment means that you are able to live your life outside of the other person; it ultimately takes pressure off and allows you to be without depending on anything or anyone to feed your soul.
Clinging onto things—relationships, jobs, materials goods—simply does not make sense considering their evolving nature.
These things add to your life, but they are not your life. You’re all that’s guaranteed, and even you grow and change, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
This doesn’t mean that past lessons or past behaviors can’t or won’t guide your present actions, or that future goals aren’t important. Instead, it means that you can live out your moments naturally and organically, with appreciation and/or awareness, because you aren’t leaning on something that might change or shift.
Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess comes from a sense of impending loss.
However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationships already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally.
Relinquishing (some) control is scary, but not impossible.
This is not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that aren’t satisfying.
Existing in the unattached present moment acknowledges what is actually happening now and gives us the power and capacity to shift or change a situation, which is also applicable to a relationship that isn’t what you want, need, or deserve.
I know many couples who are staying together, even if it hasn’t been working for years and years, because it was “so good long ago.”
I’m an advocate for working through things, but ultimately, the present is all that is relevant.
As far as relationships go, I was once told that some people you simply get for a season, some people appear in your life intermittently, and some people stay around for longer and forever, if you’re lucky.
The catch, is that you ultimately don’t know which category the person you’re dating or in a relationship is or will be in, and red flags aside, there is no way to know.
However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically, and observing what may unfold.
M. J. has a background in psychology and a keen interest in mindfulness therapy. She finds comfort in the universal familiarity of interesting conversation, Earl Grey tea, and good playlists. A strong believer in a well-rounded approach to well-being, she also develops platonic crushes on inspiring people and enjoys exploring new places in the world.
I remember one of my first mindfulness classes that pertained to impermanence. I went home in a bit of a slump.
Nothing is permanent; everything ends; “This too, shall pass.” It was quite a shock to the system.
After getting over what, on surface level, seemed to be incredibly dire, I realized that this could be incredibly liberating.
Enter the principle of non-attachment, a notion that has the potential to aid in the evolving nature of day-to-day life.
Rather than clinging to things—relationships, jobs, material goods—hoping that they will last forever, or being fearful that the uncomfortable parts of our lives will never change, we learn to deal with the moments as they arise.
There is power in knowing that our moments can, and will, inevitably shift.
Knowing the good won’t last forever gives us permission to embrace the moment fully without clinging or depending on it.
Acknowledging the bad won’t last forever gives us strength to move forward instead of being caught up in helplessness, and insight to make shifts and changes if need be.
Impermanence is a blessing in disguise. And non-attachment is the only way to truly forgive and love another person.
In my last relationship, I prided myself on being honest and open. I didn’t want to play games, because that’s not the sort of person I am, nor the sort of man I wanted to attract into my life.
I wanted a guarantee that he would stick around and that our relationship was progressing. I wanted to know that he wasn’t going to just disappear from my life, a dialogue from my past that prickled at my defense mechanisms and inevitably pushed him away, too.
This made me fearful and scared, and I shut down intermittently. This invisible pressure burdened the both of us.
The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.
Of course, there were other factors in our relationship. The point here is that there was also an unhealthy attachment present; I became dependent on him, and I clung.
I was like a child who was holding onto a baby animal, who was so scared of it running away that I held it tightly, suffocating it.
Non-attachment means that you are able to live your life outside of the other person; it ultimately takes pressure off and allows you to be without depending on anything or anyone to feed your soul.
Clinging onto things—relationships, jobs, materials goods—simply does not make sense considering their evolving nature.
These things add to your life, but they are not your life. You’re all that’s guaranteed, and even you grow and change, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
This doesn’t mean that past lessons or past behaviors can’t or won’t guide your present actions, or that future goals aren’t important. Instead, it means that you can live out your moments naturally and organically, with appreciation and/or awareness, because you aren’t leaning on something that might change or shift.
Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess comes from a sense of impending loss.
However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationships already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally.
Relinquishing (some) control is scary, but not impossible.
This is not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that aren’t satisfying.
Existing in the unattached present moment acknowledges what is actually happening now and gives us the power and capacity to shift or change a situation, which is also applicable to a relationship that isn’t what you want, need, or deserve.
I know many couples who are staying together, even if it hasn’t been working for years and years, because it was “so good long ago.”
I’m an advocate for working through things, but ultimately, the present is all that is relevant.
As far as relationships go, I was once told that some people you simply get for a season, some people appear in your life intermittently, and some people stay around for longer and forever, if you’re lucky.
The catch, is that you ultimately don’t know which category the person you’re dating or in a relationship is or will be in, and red flags aside, there is no way to know.
However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically, and observing what may unfold.
M. J. has a background in psychology and a keen interest in mindfulness therapy. She finds comfort in the universal familiarity of interesting conversation, Earl Grey tea, and good playlists. A strong believer in a well-rounded approach to well-being, she also develops platonic crushes on inspiring people and enjoys exploring new places in the world.
by Eric Harrison | Apr 23, 2016 | General Articles
Many people assume that because I teach meditation I am probably a Buddhist. This is a natural mistake to make since the two are often confused. However meditation is a practical skill. Buddhism is a conservative Asian religion. There is no automatic connection between the two. Meditation as a skill is compatible with the scientific world view while Buddhism with its reliance on karma and reincarnation is not. Buddhism also believes in a strong Cartesian duality of body and mind which no good scientist takes seriously nowadays.
I can’t claim to know what Buddhism means to ethnic Buddhists nowadays, so in this article I will restrict myself to explaining the key ideas of Buddhism as mapped out in the original texts. In doing so it will become obvious why I am not a Buddhist.
We have no excuse for being ignorant of what the Buddha taught. He established a highly regulated monastic order during his forty years of teaching. About 3000 of his sermons have survived. His arguments are clear, systematic and practical. We know exactly what he wanted his followers to do. He is a most impressive thinker even if we disagree with his values.
The Buddha was a typical old-style ascetic. He loathed the world and all worldly pursuits with an intensity that is almost impossible to imagine nowadays. He taught a path of liberation from the world and from future rebirths and gave detailed instructions on how to achieve this. Because his approach is so cold and uncompromising, Buddhist teachers have sweetened the message ever since.
SUFFERING AND FREEDOM. The Buddha was unashamedly a one-idea man. “I teach but two things,” he said, “Suffering and the end of suffering.” He argued that life is inherently miserable, painful and frustrating because nothing lasts forever. As a result we suffer because we cling to things that are subject to decay and death. We are attached to our bodies, to sense-pleasures, to material goods, to people, to our opinions and beliefs, to our sense of self and to life itself. He said that all of the above are impermanent. All are worthless. “Anyone who loves (anyone or anything) is bound to suffer.” (Dhammapada 212)
The Buddha said we find perfect peace through detachment, solitude and inactivity. We can only achieve this by systematically purifying our minds of all emotion. Eventually it shouldn’t trouble us whether we or the people around us live or die. Maintaining our serenity and detachment under all circumstances is more important than life or death. If this last statement seems unbelievable, please realise that I am not mispresenting him. It is in the ‘Parable of the Saw’ and many other texts.
Through this discipline we can become liberated in this lifetime and not suffer the indignity of further rebirths. This state of mind is called ‘Nirvana.’ It literally means the ‘snuffing out’ of the will to live. You can see why even in his own lifetime he was accused of nihilism.
THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS. The Buddha organised his philosophy into lists for mnemonic purposes. His teaching is thus represented by the Three Characteristics of Existence, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path and so on. The Three Characteristics of Existence are: Suffering, Impermanence and No-Soul. These are like articles of faith in all schools of Buddhism. The Buddha said that we become enlightened only through profound insight into any one of these or by contemplating The Four Noble Truths.
The First Noble Truth is that ‘Suffering is Universal.’ Every pleasure is shadowed by the inevitability of future loss. The Buddha provocatively said that ‘to be married to a beautiful, well-bred, sixteen-year-old virgin from a wealthy family is suffering,’ because she is bound to get sick and die eventually. The Second Noble Truth is that ‘Suffering has a Cause’ which is Ignorance or literally ‘blindness’. We become attached to transient things because we don’t see life ‘as it really is’ in terms of the Three Characteristics.
This ignorance manifests through our desires, which leads to the aphorism that virtually defines Buddhism: ‘The cause of suffering is desire.’ The word ‘desire’ covers a range of related concepts such as attachment, craving, clinging, greed, lust, longing, pleasure, affection, love, delight and the appreciation of beauty. Desire is anything that a psychologist would regard as ‘approach’ behaviour. The failure of desire to permanently satisfy us leads to an equally long list of emotions: anger, frustration, agitation, resentment, envy, despair, shame and so on.
The Buddha said we can end this guaranteed suffering through the cessation of all desire, through bodily stillness, emotional neutrality and mental inactivity. This is the Third Noble Truth: ‘Suffering has an End.’ We attain perfect tranquility when we take delight in nothing. “To be untroubled is the highest satisfaction.”
The doctrine of No-Soul or Emptiness is a refinement of the above. Because our memories, thoughts, feelings and bodies are all subject to change, the Buddha concluded that we have no lasting core of self. We have no soul. Consequently we also suffer because we are attached to who we think we are. The Fourth Noble Truth is the comprehensive path of training to extinguish our sense of self.
SOME EXPLANATORY COMMENTS. The Buddha’s pessimistic analysis of reality in terms of Suffering, Impermanence and No-Soul seems very extreme. Most of us suffer from time to time, but the joys of life more than compensate. We readily adjust to change and our sense of self is quite durable enough for a lifetime. So why is the Buddha making such a fuss about things that most of us cope with reasonably well?
It is often claimed that Buddhism requires no beliefs and that it is an empirical ‘test-it-for-yourself’ philosophy or ‘way of life.’ In fact, the Buddha’s arguments only make sense if we also believe in reincarnation and karma. His argument is logical but his premises are wrong.
The Buddha was looking for an absolute solution to suffering within the context of an endless series of lifetimes. He said we may have a good life now but we are bound to reap our bad karma in the future. We may have a strong sense of self now but we will lose it when we are reborn. Because our desires will inevitably lead to attachment, loss and suffering in this or in future lifetimes, he argued that we should systematically weed them out right now.
MEDITATION: THE FAST TRACK TO NIRVANA. The Buddha developed a detailed course of training called The Eightfold Path. It goes somewhat like this. First, you lead a moral life and don’t harm others. Then you disconnect from worldly pursuits and human contact as much as possible. If you are serious, you become a monk or nun.
Only a monk is sufficiently free from worldly distractions to cultivate the eight trance states. The first of these states is readily attained in any good meditation but the eighth is almost equivalent to Nirvana: no sense of self or the world, no consciousness, no perception of anything: ‘neither nothing nor not nothing.’
The monk then tries to integrate this depersonalised state of mind back into his daily consciousness. He examines his experience from the perspective of the Three Characteristics. He constantly guards his mind against unproductive thoughts and behaviour and tries to purge his remaining attachments. When he has perfected this task, he is said to be enlightened. After that, his only role is to serve as an inspiration to others.
The Buddha said Nirvana could be achieved within ‘seven days, seven months or seven years’ of dedicated practice, and thousands were said to have awakened in his lifetime. Nowadays Nirvana tends to be mythologised as an impossibly remote ideal, but the Buddha seems to be describing a state that really is achievable. Its most obvious characteristic is that it is a clear-minded, vigilant state of complete emotional detachment.
Nor are Buddha’s guidelines hard to follow. They are quite logical and we can see how they would work. They requires no divine intervention or spiritual guides or a sojourn in Asia. Many solitary people are already halfway towards the kind of life required. With a little preparation, anyone could become a virtual monk or nun for a year or two if they wished.
All it would take is a hut or a one-bedroom flat and sufficient money saved. Complete isolation or a quiet environment are not essential. Most Asian monasteries nowadays are within big noisy cities. The Buddha’s monks had to see people every day to get their food. When I did a seven-month retreat, it didn’t disturb me to go to the city each week for supplies. Anyone could easily set themselves up to follow the Buddha’s instructions if they thought it was worthwhile.
So why do so few people even attempt it? Quite simply, the kind of renunciation that the Buddha asks for, although possible, is extremely unattractive. He regarded any kind of love, affection or even friendship as obstacles to be overcome. He proscribed all entertainment (no literature, music, TV, newspapers or movies), and all gossip (no talk of politicians or sportsmen or celebrities). In other words, you would have to disconnect from the internet. He said we should never discuss anything except what is conducive to enlightenment. The Buddha would have told Socrates, Shakespeare, Newton, Bach, Darwin and Einstein to stop wasting their time on trivial pursuits and get serious with their lives. Inner peace may be possible but we would have to pay an extremely high price for it.
MORALITY: THE SLOW TRACK TO NIRVANA. The Buddha gave the fast track one-lifetime instructions for Nirvana, but he knew that few people would want to follow it. So he also gave a slow track version for ordinary people, namely to be good.
Buddhist morality is quite simple. It can be summarised as ‘Be friendly, don’t hurt anyone and support the monks’. It is based on two principles, namely ‘ahimsa’ and ‘metta.’ In keeping with the ideal of detachment, neither of them require that we actually do anything.
Ahimsa literally means not-harming or nonviolence and it extends to all living creatures. It comes from the ancient Indian belief that you create bad karma for yourself by hurting others. Because nonviolence seems like a rather tepid virtue, it is more commonly translated by the term ‘compassion.’
‘Metta’ means no more than ‘goodwill’ or ‘friendliness’, although it is usually translated by the archaic Christian term ‘loving-kindness.’ Metta is a disposition of indiscriminate friendliness and well-wishing towards friend and enemy alike. The Buddha said that this ensures that you are liked by others and can more easily avoid conflict.
There is a third element to Buddhist morality called ‘dana.’ This literally means ‘donation’ or ‘giving,’ although it is usually translated as ‘generosity.’ Dana contributes to a symmetry of spiritual practice between monks and laity. The monks meditate and teach and thereby help ‘save all beings’, while the laity practice giving by supporting the monks in this good work.
In reality, dana operates more like the Catholic practice of indulgences to pay off sins. Lay people give money to monks so they can ‘earn merit’ towards a better rebirth and thus counteract their bad karma. The more money they give, and the more highly ranked the monk or lama who receives it, the better their consequent rebirth. Conversely, money would be wasted in helping the poor who are not regarded as suitable recipients for earning merit. The Buddha said there is vastly more profit to be gained by giving money to monks, even depraved ones.
As a result, there is no tradition of charity in Buddhism. Westerners are astonished when they realise this since we assume it would be part of any religion. All major Christian churches run schools, hospitals, welfare groups, retirement homes, counselling services and aid agencies, and we expect our secular governments to carry on that Judeo-Christian and Islamic legacy. We think of helping others as part of what it means to be a good person. However we find virtually none of this in Buddhism.
Charity is a Western virtue. It means to love and actively care for others. This is different from just being friendly and not hurting them. Buddhism places a much higher value on inactivity and detachment than on love. There are kind and helpful people everywhere but religions do differ. In a word, we can say that Christianity is about love and Buddhism is about peace. In Christianity ‘compassion’ mean helping the unfortunate. In Buddhism ‘compassion’ means teaching them the path to enlightenment.
The doctrine of karma probably explains this absence of practical compassion. Buddhism usually regards any misfortune as being payback for one’s evil deeds in past lifetimes (‘It’s their karma’). The Dalai Lama said that even those who died in the 2008 Chinese earthquake were reaping their karma. Westerners tend to regard karma as an attractive metaphor or myth. Buddhists take it far more serious. The Dalai Lama recently describes it as the inexorable law that explains everything in human experience.
So if monks don’t do pastoral or charitable work, how do they use the money they receive? Typically they indulge in colossal building projects, which explains the splendour of many Asian temples. For the last twenty years, the Dalai Lama has been trying to raise half a billion dollars to build the tallest Buddha statue in the world. It would have been some sixty stories high. This is called the Maitreya Project. The rationale is that this will promote loving-kindness and peace throughout the world. This scheme has now collapsed under its own hubris. Nonetheless the ‘mine-is-bigger-than-yours’ arms race between Buddhist groups to build the biggest statues and the grandest temples continues unabated. The largest statues in the world are images of Buddha. That is where so much of the money goes. For more info, google ‘Buddha statues’.
MEDITATION. The classical ascetic values of the Buddha are now so out of date that few people take them seriously. I don’t know of anyone nowadays who wants to cut their attachments, extinguish their passions and put an end to birth and death. Buddhist monasteries are not exactly besieged with people yearning for Nirvana.
Meditation on the other hand is as useful as it ever was and Buddhism has promoted it like no other religion. The Buddha was the world’s first and best meditation teacher. I would challenge anyone to name his equal. He believed strongly in the value of looking inside and finding out the truth for yourself, which is a very modern attitude. He also mapped out the field so clearly in just a few short texts that my own approach to teaching meditation still has a close resemblance to the methods he devised 2500 years ago.
Meditation helps develop a calm, clear, well-trained, self-observant mind. The Buddha accurately claimed that this is the basis for insightful decision-making and action. Where we differ from the Buddha is in the purposes for which we now use it. Nowadays we use meditation for relaxation and sleep; for stress, anxiety and health; for thought-control and emotional restraint; for concentration and decision-making; for self-knowledge and body-awareness; for sports performance and achieving goals; for aesthetic pleasure, philosophic understanding and much more. A calm, clear, well-focused mind is useful for virtually anything we do. Most Westerners who meditate even within a Buddhist context are likely to do so for these non-traditional reasons.
So what can Buddhism offer the West apart from meditation? I don’t think there is very much. The Buddha’s argument that desire will inevitably cause suffering is weak unless we also believe in reincarnation. If this is our only lifetime, there are better ways to avoid suffering than retreating into philosophic detachment.
Buddhism moral values such as nonviolence and friendliness are hardly unique to Buddhism. Every religion and civil society promotes them. Nor does Buddhism have better moral credentials than other religions. Buddhism has always allied itself to ruling elites and gone to war when they do. Kublai Khan and other mongol warlords were Buddhists. Japanese militarism and Pol Pot’s spiritual cleansing of Cambodia both found support in the Buddhist idea of ‘No-Soul.’ (I.e. murder is not really a crime because there is ultimately no one there to be killed). The role of fanatical Buddhist monks in Sri Lanka and Myanmar today is no anomaly. Nor is there any shortage of explicitly religious wars in the history of Buddhism. Being Western-centric we just don’t know about them. Just google: Buddhist wars.
Meditation as an introspective discipline designed to relieve one’s suffering covers the same ground as Western psychology. Some psychologists have found that Buddhist practices such as mindfulness can be very useful with their patients. However, Buddhism is a psychology without a self. It sees attachment to one’s identity as a root cause of suffering and aspires to an egoless state of pure consciousness instead. This doesn’t resonate at all well with Western humanist values or with our democratic respect for the individual.
Buddhism has given its meditation practices to the world. Other than that, its moral credentials are average. Its indifference to charitable works makes it less compassionate than Christianity or even Western governments. Its psychology is antagonistic to the individual. Its reliance on karma, reincarnation and a duality of body and mind make it quite unscientific. I am grateful to Buddhism for its meditation practices but I am happy to leave the rest behind.
How easy is it to get over a relationship? How easy is it to let go of someone you love deeply?
My answer is: It’s not easy at all. In fact, it is one of the last things I wanted to do. But life has its own plans. And so does love.
The more you try to hold on to a relationship…the more you try to hold on to someone, the harder it gets. The cracks become bigger. The intimacy gets weaker. The emotional bond starts to shatter. And it becomes more painful than it was. Sometimes, letting go of a relationship can be the best thing you can do, especially if you truly love them.
“You can only lose what you cling to.” – Gautama Buddha
Relationships can be complicated
And breakups can be exceptionally painful. When we are in a relationship we become strongly attached to our partner both mentally and emotionally. However, we often confuse attachment with love. We believe that the stronger the attachment, the more intense our love will become. But it only leads to further complications in the relationship. This leads to unrealistic expectations, miscommunication, misunderstandings which weakens the relationship.
As your relationship starts to falter, you become more attached to your partner and cling to them even more. As you become insecure about the relationship and yourself, you start to suffer. However, letting go of a relationship and your desires & attachments can enable you to find happiness and inner peace.
Letting go is NOT easy
“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
If only I could tell you that detaching from the person you love and letting them go was a simple process. But I can’t. Cause it’s not. Breakups are hard on most of us, whether you want it or not. When my ex of 5 years told me she wanted to end things, I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done. I tried to convince her, manipulate her, impress her and even beg her to stay with me. Although she stayed for a while, it only made things worse. And it made me more desperate. More attached. More insecure. The more I tried to hold on to her, the farther she went away from me.
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I thought this is what love is supposed to be like
“But when one masters this wretched desire, which is so hard to overcome, then one’s sorrows just drop off, like a drop of water off a lotus.” – Gautama Buddha
You don’t give up on the ones you love, right? Wrong. I was only being selfish. Love is not about manipulating or forcing someone to stay with you when they are no longer in love with you. That’s the thing with love. It can change. It can end. It can restart and grow. Love doesn’t have to last forever. And that’s okay. And it took me a lot of time to realize that. But even then, I didn’t know what to do about it. That’s when I stumbled on to a Buddhist monk as if I was destined to meet him. That’s when I realized love is not attachment. The things he taught me completely changed my perception about love, relationships and desire. Love is about letting them go when they want to leave and still praying for their happiness. It is not about grasping onto false hope. It’s not about unhealthy attachments.
If you wish to cling onto an weak relationship and be an insecure, unhappy person bathed in persistent suffering, then the path of desire & attachment can certainly be your best option. However, if you want to experience happiness, inner peace and true love, then Buddhism can help you stop clinging and get detached from the suffering.
Desire is the root of suffering
“The end of desire is the end of sorrow.” – Gautama Buddha
According to Buddhism, desire causes suffering. In fact, this is one of the Four Noble Truths which is the core of Gautama Buddha’s teachings.
These 4 noble truths are-
The Truth of Suffering: Dukkha or suffering is a natural part of life and existence.
The Truth of the Cause of Suffering: Samudaya or the cause of this suffering is desire or attachment.
The Truth of the End of Suffering: Nirodha or cessation of this suffering is possible by eliminating desire and attachment.
The Truth of the Path to the End of Suffering: Magga or the Noble Eightfold Path is the way to end this suffering.
Buddhists often compare Gautama Buddha to a physician which is evident here. In the first truth, he diagnosed the problem. In the second, he identified the cause, in the third truth, he realized there is acure, and in the final one, he offers a prescription.
Non attachment: The secret to a happy relationship
“According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles stem from attachment to things that we mistakenly see as permanent.” – Dalai Lama
Buddhism has very broad views regarding romantic relationships. According to Buddhist beliefs, an ideal relationship should encourage non attachment and independence. As attachment causes suffering, non attachment can help you build a meaningful relationship and a happy life.
Buddhism teachings focus on the idea of letting go of desires and attachments, in a spiritual sense, which may cause pain and suffering. However, to detach yourself you need to eliminate the idea of a ‘perfect partner’ and stop putting your partner on a pedestal. You also need to stop having unrealistic expectations from them. You need to unconditionally accept your partner as they are and support them in their journey of finding their true self, without imposing your beliefs of who they should be.
Accepting your partner for who they are, despite how much they may change in life, is the secret to a happy and fulfilling romantic relationship. Buddhism compels us to take a deeper look at ourselves and understand what unconditional love means. However, you need to realize that non attachment does not refer to indifference in a relationship. Non attachment is simply the absence of insecurity, clinginess and fear of losing your partner.
Let go to find happiness
“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” – Deepak Chopra
Realizing that you are clingy and too attached to your relationship and actually becoming detached are very different things. Despite how easy it may sound, letting go is not easy. However, there are certain practices and habits that you can develop to start the process of letting go of a relationship according to Buddhist beliefs.
Here I have listed some beliefs, practices and habits that you need to build to let go of someone you love.
1. Accept pain
“Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself.” – Gautama Buddha
As mentioned in the Four Noble Truths, the reality is ‘pain is inevitable’. You cannot avoid it. Regardless of how well you plan for your life, it will always have surprises that will either lift you up or bring you to your knees. You will lose things and people that matter to you the most and you will feel pain. But whether you suffer through the experience or not is up to you. Whether you learn from these experiences and evolve or hold on to what you have lost is what will decide the course of your life. As the old Buddhist proverb goes, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”.
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2. Practice mindfulness
“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz
Mindfulness has been one of the most life-changing practices for me. It has helped me to focus on and live in the present moment, appreciate it for what it is. When you live in the moment, you detach yourself from the past. You detach yourself from what has been and enjoy what is. You don’t dwell on past events or worry about the future. Mindfulness empowers you to accept reality without getting too attached to it.
Mindfulness is a complete mind and body awareness practice where you bring your focus to the present moment. In Buddhism, being mindful can be as easy as taking a few meditative breaths and bringing your awareness to it. It can completely change the way you think and live your life. You’ll know what I mean when you experience it for yourself.
3. Meditate
“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.” – Gautama Buddha
Meditation is a crucial part of Buddhism and is one of the core components of the Noble Eight-fold Path. Having practiced meditation for the last 3 years, I can personally guarantee that it can be one of the most calming yet invigorating experiences you’ll ever have. To put it simply, meditation is the simple practice of conscious breathing where you bring all your awareness to your breath. When thoughts and emotions arise while you’re meditating, you simply acknowledge them and let them pass, instead of holding on to them or avoiding them.
Meditation enables you to be mindful and find peace within yourself. It helps you practice letting go of attachments and desires. In its core, meditation is letting go of what is most important to your life: your breath. As you breathe in one moment, you breathe out the very next. Have you ever considered holding on to a breath? Have you ever become attached or clinged on to a breath? No. It is only by letting go of your breath, you make space for the next one to come in and replenish your body, mind and soul. It is the same with life.
4. Be compassionate
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama
The only way to end your suffering and letting go of a relationship is by letting go of desire. But when you are attached to what you desire, how can you let it go? By creating a heart full of love and compassion that will light the darkness inside you. Compassion allows you to understand what your partner is going through and what they are feeling. It enables you to understand their suffering.
Compassion begins with looking inside. Not only do you show kindness to the other person, you also analyze your own emotions and responses. This will help you to be a kinder and self loving person. When you love yourself, you expect less from others and take charge for how you feel. You become less insecure and more confident in yourself. You become bigger than your desire as your inner love and peace fills your heart and soul. Compassion helps you realize that your partner is suffering as much as you are. Hence, your unhealthy attachment and desire becomes less important.
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5. Develop an expansiveness mind
“Listen to your gut. Are decisions more expansive or narrowing?” – Marne Levine
All the Buddhist beliefs and practices I mentioned above will shift your mindset from being insecure and afraid to being abundant and expansive. As you take responsibility for yourself and love yourself unconditionally, your narrow mind will move away from the stories you tell yourself and compel you to take a look at the bigger picture. Your mind will give less value to these unhealthy desires and attachments as you will become more focused on building your own life, finding your purpose and attaining spiritual enlightenment.
6. Let things be
“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” – Peace Pilgrim
Becoming a bigger person requires you to stop trying to control people and situations according to how you desire them to be. It requires you to realize that you can ONLY control yourself and no one else. You can ONLY control your own thoughts, emotions and responses and that can be the greatest challenge and achievement of your life.
When you understand that change is the only constant in life, you stop trying to control everything else and focus on yourself instead. You finally let things be. You can finally find the inner strength and confidence to know that you will do just fine despite what the situation is. You will feel more at peace in the current moment instead of worrying what more things can go wrong in your life. Acceptance helps you to let go of your fears and attachments.
Experience true happiness
“A man asked Gautama Buddha, ‘I want happiness.’ Buddha said, ‘First remove I, that’s Ego, then remove want, that’s Desire. See now you are left with only Happiness.’ ”
When it comes to relationships, perhaps the biggest mistake we make is expect ‘perfect love’ and a ‘perfect partner’. We tend to forget that our partners are as human as we are. They are as flawed and imperfect as we are. They can make as many mistakes as we can. When we expect them to be perfect and try to change them according to our perceptions of them, we stop appreciating the person we fell in love with. When we realize that they are imperfect and still choose to love them just as they are, then it becomes unconditional love. And perhaps this is why most relationships fail today.
Following these Buddhist beliefs and practices has helped me a great deal to let go of my previous relationship and find happiness inside. Yes, it was emotionally the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am glad to say now I am a happier and more secure person. Being unattached, aware and open in a relationship will help you and your partner build a strong emotional bond organically and experience true happiness.
“Live joyfully, without desire.” – Gautama Buddha
True happiness and peace exists beyond your desires and attachments. Take the necessary effort and prioritize yourself. THIS is the only way.
I highly recommend that you check out this excellent video below by renowned American Buddhist nun Gen Kelsang Nyema on how the gift of happiness lies within us:
