Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts

2021/09/28

Against the Wind: Memoir of a Radical Christian: Rumscheidt, Barbara, Rumscheidt, Martin H., Soelle, Dorothee: 9780800630799: Amazon.com: Books

Against the Wind: Memoir of a Radical Christian: Rumscheidt, Barbara, Rumscheidt, Martin H., Soelle, Dorothee: 9780800630799: Amazon.com: Books

Against the Wind: Memoir of a Radical Christian Paperback – May 28, 1999
by Barbara Rumscheidt (Author), & 2 more
4.6 out of 5 stars    11 ratings
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AUD 13.73 
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184 pages
Fortress Press


Editorial Reviews
From the Back Cover
"Written with clarity, eloquence, and passion, Dorothee Soelle's memoirs resound with a clarion call to remember the costs of injustice. Just as we must never forget the horrors of history, so too we must never forget the lives of those who live for justice. Soelle's is such a life, and this account is a gift to the imagination, to the intellect, and to the will. Against the Wind is a joy to read and has much to offer students, scholars, activists, and all who seek to live out an 'indestructible love for life." ---Sharon D. Welch Author of a Feminist Ethic of Risk

About the Author
Martin Rumscheidtis an ordained minister in the United Church of Canada and retired professor of historical theology at the University of Windsor, Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Charles University, Prague. He is the translator of Act and Being (1996)in Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works, English edition, and cotranslator with the late Barbara Rumscheidt of Soelle"s Against the Wind (1999) and The Silent Cry.



Dorothee Soelle was Professor of Theology at Union Theological Seminary, New York City, for thirteen years. Among her many influential writings are Great Couples of the Bible (2005; 0-8006-3831-X), Theology for Skeptics (1994; 0-8006-2788-1), and The Silent Cry (2001; 0- 8006-3266-4). She died in 2003.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
dorothee soelle a Lutheran who is also a sectarian a poet who is also an essayist a systematic thinker who also live and writes with passion a believer in life who can life creatively within the reality of death acquainted with eschatological exuberance she insists that we pray for the world, but only as we strive to live within it made from dust and created in god's image she gives us ground for hope she believes, along with Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in both resistance and submission but only in their proper proportions she fits no conventional categories and can employ a fairy tale to make a point she is a pacifist who can demand stern commitments because they are already part of her own life she is an activist who is also a mystic she refuses to separate prayer and politics and stresses the redemptive possibilities in every human situation as a scholar, she is deeply immersed in the prophets and as a feminist she is committed to equal rights for all god's children everywhere
Join her. It will be worthwhile; she presents her faith on her own authority, which she has already donated to the glory of God ---A Tribute by Robert McAfee Brown

A few years ago, my friend and editor Johannes Thiele suggested that I write an autobiography. "Are you crazy? I am no unharnessed politician, and I have better things to do!" was my first reaction. But he did not let go. And so a productive tussle arose about what was important and worth telling, what was already prefigured or hinted at in various places of my books and talks, and what could be taken over, brought together, and left out. The result of that tussle or pleasant cooperation is before you. Thank you, dear Johannes. Every headwind also has its upward draft.

Much is missing that a classic autobiography would contain. I have told nothing about my father, nothing about the encounters with Hannah Arendt, Ernst Bloch, President Gustav and Ms. Hilda Heinemann, Premier Johannes Rau. Nor is there anything about my abhorrence of crocheting and knitting or enough about my favorite activities, swimming and singing. I have preferred to speak about certain central aspects of life in poetry, seeing that life brings along enough prose as it is.

I am very glad that this book now also appears in English. It is surely no coincidence that a German woman-theology, who has become rather well-known, found no teaching position in her fatherland but could work in the more liberal world of the American academy. The encounter with that world has enriched and formed me to an extraordinary degree: Being "right in the belly of the beast," as we used to say, that world deepened my fears, but much more than that, it strengthened my hope in people who do not submit to the dictates of the economy, the military, and the advertising industry. Indeed, there was and still is what we always called the "other America." ---from the Preface

This is the highest honor I can offer: The life of Dorothee Soelle speaks for itself. It needs no justification; it refisters no longing to prove itself, to base on appeal on status, education, gender, color, theological niceties.

Indeed the life of Dorothee has been blessed with all the above and more; admiration and friendship come to mind. So does that ironic, unexpected last "blessing" promised the disciples. First, plenty of good things: "homes, brothers and sisters, mothers, children and property." Then the twister: "and persecution besides."

In a sense dear to Bonhoeffer, this woman's theology is worldly. One thing: as the Incarnation is worldly. From Latin America to the U.S. to Europe she has tested the gospel (and been tested!), laying the Word against the realities of this horrific century---torture, disappearance, oligarchic immunity, enforced misery, weapons, warfare, the buttoned-up arrogance of the great powers.

And in personal life as well, testing, testing---in marriage and motherhood, in being pilloried and denied academic place. In aligning herself, to put the matter briefly, with the plight of Jesus in his century or ours; one and the same.

Her writing, here and elsewhere, has the edge and clarity of a telegram to the world. One does not waste words; the time is short. Speak up then, shout aloud, on behalf of the inarticulate and victimized.

And remember, an intellectual also has a heart.

Therefore this heartfelt book. Which is as much about friendship as anything else---or more so.

Let me rejoice, too, in a long friendship with Dorothee. I learn from her. Theology must not be mired or stalemated in the mind. It must enable, induce an imperative.

Stand squarely in the world. And once there, withstand ---Daniel Berrigan, S.J. from the Foreword

Top reviews from the United States
J. Cutting
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommend. This arrived from a third party in excellent ...
Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2017
Verified Purchase
Having read 'The Silent Cry, Mysticism and Resistance', I wanted to learn more about this profound thoughtful theologian activist. In her memoir 'Against the Wind' written in short chapters she shares the evolution of her spiritual and activist development and the factors that influenced her from post war Germany to the early 21st century. Highly recommend.
This arrived from a third party in excellent condition and in a timely fashion.
2 people found this helpful
===
douglas a. dailey
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Reviewed in the United States on August 3, 2017
Verified Purchase
excellent copy
===========
Christina Hennig
3.0 out of 5 stars ... different from others of her publications - not so easy to read
Reviewed in the United States on July 17, 2015
Verified Purchase
this book was different from others of her publications - not so easy to read either
One person found this helpful
=================
Steven H Propp
TOP 100 REVIEWER
5.0 out of 5 stars THE GERMAN THEOLOGIAN RECALLS AND EXPLAINS HER LIFE AND WORK
Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2018
Dorothee Steffensky-Sölle [Soelle] (1929-2003) was a German liberation theologian who taught systematic theology at Union Theological Seminary from 1975 to 1987. She wrote many books, such as  On Earth as in Heaven: A Liberation Spirituality of Sharing , Thinking About God: An Introduction to Theology , The Strength of the Weak: Toward a Christian Feminist Identity , Celebrating Resistance: The Way of the Cross in Latin America , Political Theology , etc.

She wrote in the Preface of this 1995 book, “Much is missing that a classic autobiography would contain. I have told nothing about my father… I have preferred to speak about certain central aspects of life in poetry, seeing that life brings along enough prose as it is… It is surely no coincidence that a German woman-theologian, who has become rather well-known, found no teaching position in her fatherland but could work in the more liberal world of the American academy. The encounter with that world has enriched and formed me to an extraordinary degree… it strengthened my hope in people who do not submit to the dictates of the economy, the military, and the advertising industry.” (Pg. xi)

She recalls of her youth, “I tried to make a distinction between Germany, the dream, and the Nazis, whom, almost without exception, I found repugnant or trivial… My parents had many Jewish friends, and by the time I was eight or nine, I had known what a concentration camp was. As children of parents opposed to the Nazis, we literally grew up with two languages. At home, there was plain language that named the shootings, torture, and deportations. But for school, where frankness was mortally dangerous, our speech was guarded… I knew much, but certainly not everything. I definitely knew nothing of Auschwitz…” (Pg. 4)

In her teen years, “My relationship to Christianity was a critical-liberal one; it had been damaged by the Nazis… I respected the Church inasmuch as it had dared to speak out now and then against what was happening… I could not call it ‘resistance’ because that was too big a word for the church’s actions… Christians were cowards, unable to look nihilism in the eye. I harbored a vulgarized Nietzschean disdain for Christianity… Our religion classes [in school] were so unbearable that my best friends in the grade above mine walked out en masse. I could not bring myself to join in their boycott, because I still wanted to know more---particularly about Jesus, the tortured one who did not become a nihilist… I really could not accept that one had to believe in the virgin birth in order to understand the Sermon on the Mount. Soon a new religion teacher made her appearance … [She] steered us into a radically different understanding of Christianity… I finally began to look for another philosophy of life. I studied theology in order to get at the truth that had been kept from me long enough. Slowly, a radical Christianity began to nest in me… I tried to make ‘the leap,’ as Søren Kierkegaard called it, into the passion for the unconditional, into the reign of God. I began to become a Christian.” (Pg. 12-13)

As she learned of the Holocaust, “I was preoccupied with the questions of my generation: How could this happen?... All during the fifties, I wanted to know exactly when, where, how, and by whom Jews had been murdered. Then, in the mid-sixties, I tried to develop a ‘post-Auschwitz’ theology---I did not want to write one sentence in which the awareness of that greatest catastrophe of my people was not made explicit… Collective shame is the minimum required for a people with a history like that of the Germans… And I am ashamed again, anew: by the poison gas that German industrialists sold to Israel’s enemies or by the billions German Marks that we could spare for the Gulf War but not for providing potable water to countries plagued with cholera. I need this shame about my people; I do not want to forget anything, because forgetting nurtures the illusion that it is possible to be a truly human being without the lessons of the dead.” (Pg. 16-17)

She explains, “It was Rudolf Bultmann who spoke to where I was in my final high school years… I knew Bultmann to be a Christian hospitable to the Enlightenment. I need not leave my mind at the church door… How could these go together: thinking and believing, criticism and religiosity, reason and Christianity? Bultmann answered such questions with his program of demythologizing… It was not Bultmann’s intention to do away with or dissolve myth but to interpret it… The cat is out of the mythological bag; the stories of Jesus’ empty tomb and of his perhaps filmable resurrection are legends, media in which the first disciple expressed their faith… As a teacher, again and again, [Bultmann] helped people to have the courage for piety and did so no less as a proponent of existence freed from the mythological.” (Pg. 28-29)

She notes, “I had often been asked about my personal reasons for engagement on behalf of Vietnam… One cannot care for a few children while supporting a policy that incinerates so many children, that lets them starve or rot in camps. Another reason I became involved with Vietnam was both personal and Christian. I thought that I had known what it meant when I said, ‘I am a Christian.’ In those words I expressed a relationship to a human being who lived 2,000 years ago and who spoke the truth… I believed his story has implications to this very day… I could find no difference worth mentioning between the newly tested shells and poisons and the ancient technique of killing by crucifixion… The American antiwar movement played a very significant part for me. I was shaped extensively by Christians… This has given me a deep fascination with the United States, so much so that when I moved there, I felt intimations of homecoming. I Western Europe… I almost had to apologize for being a Christian. But in the United States, it was taken for granted; a radical Christian tradition lives there. Political radicalism blossomed forth from Christianity and traveled with it.” (Pg. 45-46)

She points out, “The seminary where I taught has the reputation of being a place of rebelliousness… people were indeed radicalized at Union Theological Seminary. Conversion is… an occasion when the grace of god grasps a person usually associated with a specific moment in the person’s life. From this theological tradition, however, arose questions relating to how one’s political awareness came about. Many people have experienced a similar event, a theological-political conversion.” (Pg. 60) Later, she adds, “I became a feminist through the agency of my American women friends. After reading my books in English translation, they campaigned that I be called to Union Theological Seminary.” (Pg. 65) She admits, “Why did I not become a professor in Germany? The reasons certainly had to do with sexism, politics, and church theology… I cannot say that I feel particularly bitter about this. For me… a professorship at a very liberal theological school in the United States was actually ideal.” (Pg. 67)

She acknowledges the difficulty of being a working mother: “Of course, it was a balancing act… My husband and I now divide the work of the home among ourselves… I have four children. Were I a young woman today I would still decide to have children. However strongly I critique patriarchy, my feminism is not separatist in relation to men… after recovery from the damages inflicted by patriarchy, the tasks of humanity remain to be addressed in common with men.” (Pg. 69-70)

She observes, ‘My theology never conformed to the church. I wanted to write ‘edifying discourses’ like Kierkegaard’s. Presumably, my readership so a large extent consists of people who have been alienated from the church and who for good reasons no longer attend its services. Often they switch their support to Amnesty International, but still sense that there is something missing in their nonreligious endeavors. They look for and need something different. These are the people whose language I speak.” (Pg. 90)

She states, “I think that today I would no longer define my theological position as ‘political theology.’ … Even when the concept of ‘political theology’ began to be filled with new meaning years ago, it still lacked clarity… Today I am overwhelmed and grateful that the ‘theology of liberation’ … has opened up theological dimensions that are so different from those I knew. I refer to the rereading of the Bible from the perspective of developing countries.” (Pg. 98) Later, she laments, “I often fear that Christianity and socialism are hardly anything but dinosaurs in postmodernity… There is no common good whereby human beings feel responsible for what happens in their village, or their part of the city, or to the neighbors and the children… And I ask if it does not take a piece of religious language in order to safeguard a compassionate interrelationship among people, to keep commonality and a life that is good for all.” (Pg. 144)

She concludes, “Theology that is truly alive … does not drop straight from heaven as ‘God’s Word.’ Rather, it constitutes itself in the solidarity of those affected. I continue to understand faith as a mixture of trust and fear, hope and doubt… My life is that of a theological worker who tries to tell something of God’s pain and God’s joy… It was my participation in the worldwide Christian movement toward a Conciliar Process in which justice, peace, and integrity of creation finally, clearly represent the heart of faith. Theologically, I think I am less alone today than years ago.” (Pg. 166)

This is a charming and very informative book, that will be “must reading” for fans of Soelle’s work, and of great interest to those concerned with contemporary/progressive theology.
Read less
3 people found this helpful
==================
Steven H Propp
TOP 100 REVIEWER
5.0 out of 5 stars THE GERMAN THEOLOGIAN RECALLS AND EXPLAINS HER LIFE AND WORK
Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2018
Dorothee Steffensky-Sölle [Soelle] (1929-2003) was a German liberation theologian who taught systematic theology at Union Theological Seminary from 1975 to 1987. She wrote many books, such as  On Earth as in Heaven: A Liberation Spirituality of Sharing , Thinking About God: An Introduction to Theology , The Strength of the Weak: Toward a Christian Feminist Identity , Celebrating Resistance: The Way of the Cross in Latin America , Political Theology , etc.

She wrote in the Preface of this 1995 book, “Much is missing that a classic autobiography would contain. I have told nothing about my father… I have preferred to speak about certain central aspects of life in poetry, seeing that life brings along enough prose as it is… It is surely no coincidence that a German woman-theologian, who has become rather well-known, found no teaching position in her fatherland but could work in the more liberal world of the American academy. The encounter with that world has enriched and formed me to an extraordinary degree… it strengthened my hope in people who do not submit to the dictates of the economy, the military, and the advertising industry.” (Pg. xi)

She recalls of her youth, “I tried to make a distinction between Germany, the dream, and the Nazis, whom, almost without exception, I found repugnant or trivial… My parents had many Jewish friends, and by the time I was eight or nine, I had known what a concentration camp was. As children of parents opposed to the Nazis, we literally grew up with two languages. At home, there was plain language that named the shootings, torture, and deportations. But for school, where frankness was mortally dangerous, our speech was guarded… I knew much, but certainly not everything. I definitely knew nothing of Auschwitz…” (Pg. 4)

In her teen years, “My relationship to Christianity was a critical-liberal one; it had been damaged by the Nazis… I respected the Church inasmuch as it had dared to speak out now and then against what was happening… I could not call it ‘resistance’ because that was too big a word for the church’s actions… Christians were cowards, unable to look nihilism in the eye. I harbored a vulgarized Nietzschean disdain for Christianity… Our religion classes [in school] were so unbearable that my best friends in the grade above mine walked out en masse. I could not bring myself to join in their boycott, because I still wanted to know more---particularly about Jesus, the tortured one who did not become a nihilist… I really could not accept that one had to believe in the virgin birth in order to understand the Sermon on the Mount. Soon a new religion teacher made her appearance … [She] steered us into a radically different understanding of Christianity… I finally began to look for another philosophy of life. I studied theology in order to get at the truth that had been kept from me long enough. Slowly, a radical Christianity began to nest in me… I tried to make ‘the leap,’ as Søren Kierkegaard called it, into the passion for the unconditional, into the reign of God. I began to become a Christian.” (Pg. 12-13)

As she learned of the Holocaust, “I was preoccupied with the questions of my generation: How could this happen?... All during the fifties, I wanted to know exactly when, where, how, and by whom Jews had been murdered. Then, in the mid-sixties, I tried to develop a ‘post-Auschwitz’ theology---I did not want to write one sentence in which the awareness of that greatest catastrophe of my people was not made explicit… Collective shame is the minimum required for a people with a history like that of the Germans… And I am ashamed again, anew: by the poison gas that German industrialists sold to Israel’s enemies or by the billions German Marks that we could spare for the Gulf War but not for providing potable water to countries plagued with cholera. I need this shame about my people; I do not want to forget anything, because forgetting nurtures the illusion that it is possible to be a truly human being without the lessons of the dead.” (Pg. 16-17)

She explains, “It was Rudolf Bultmann who spoke to where I was in my final high school years… I knew Bultmann to be a Christian hospitable to the Enlightenment. I need not leave my mind at the church door… How could these go together: thinking and believing, criticism and religiosity, reason and Christianity? Bultmann answered such questions with his program of demythologizing… It was not Bultmann’s intention to do away with or dissolve myth but to interpret it… The cat is out of the mythological bag; the stories of Jesus’ empty tomb and of his perhaps filmable resurrection are legends, media in which the first disciple expressed their faith… As a teacher, again and again, [Bultmann] helped people to have the courage for piety and did so no less as a proponent of existence freed from the mythological.” (Pg. 28-29)

She notes, “I had often been asked about my personal reasons for engagement on behalf of Vietnam… One cannot care for a few children while supporting a policy that incinerates so many children, that lets them starve or rot in camps. Another reason I became involved with Vietnam was both personal and Christian. I thought that I had known what it meant when I said, ‘I am a Christian.’ In those words I expressed a relationship to a human being who lived 2,000 years ago and who spoke the truth… I believed his story has implications to this very day… I could find no difference worth mentioning between the newly tested shells and poisons and the ancient technique of killing by crucifixion… The American antiwar movement played a very significant part for me. I was shaped extensively by Christians… This has given me a deep fascination with the United States, so much so that when I moved there, I felt intimations of homecoming. I Western Europe… I almost had to apologize for being a Christian. But in the United States, it was taken for granted; a radical Christian tradition lives there. Political radicalism blossomed forth from Christianity and traveled with it.” (Pg. 45-46)

She points out, “The seminary where I taught has the reputation of being a place of rebelliousness… people were indeed radicalized at Union Theological Seminary. Conversion is… an occasion when the grace of god grasps a person usually associated with a specific moment in the person’s life. From this theological tradition, however, arose questions relating to how one’s political awareness came about. Many people have experienced a similar event, a theological-political conversion.” (Pg. 60) Later, she adds, “I became a feminist through the agency of my American women friends. After reading my books in English translation, they campaigned that I be called to Union Theological Seminary.” (Pg. 65) She admits, “Why did I not become a professor in Germany? The reasons certainly had to do with sexism, politics, and church theology… I cannot say that I feel particularly bitter about this. For me… a professorship at a very liberal theological school in the United States was actually ideal.” (Pg. 67)

She acknowledges the difficulty of being a working mother: “Of course, it was a balancing act… My husband and I now divide the work of the home among ourselves… I have four children. Were I a young woman today I would still decide to have children. However strongly I critique patriarchy, my feminism is not separatist in relation to men… after recovery from the damages inflicted by patriarchy, the tasks of humanity remain to be addressed in common with men.” (Pg. 69-70)

She observes, ‘My theology never conformed to the church. I wanted to write ‘edifying discourses’ like Kierkegaard’s. Presumably, my readership so a large extent consists of people who have been alienated from the church and who for good reasons no longer attend its services. Often they switch their support to Amnesty International, but still sense that there is something missing in their nonreligious endeavors. They look for and need something different. These are the people whose language I speak.” (Pg. 90)

She states, “I think that today I would no longer define my theological position as ‘political theology.’ … Even when the concept of ‘political theology’ began to be filled with new meaning years ago, it still lacked clarity… Today I am overwhelmed and grateful that the ‘theology of liberation’ … has opened up theological dimensions that are so different from those I knew. I refer to the rereading of the Bible from the perspective of developing countries.” (Pg. 98) Later, she laments, “I often fear that Christianity and socialism are hardly anything but dinosaurs in postmodernity… There is no common good whereby human beings feel responsible for what happens in their village, or their part of the city, or to the neighbors and the children… And I ask if it does not take a piece of religious language in order to safeguard a compassionate interrelationship among people, to keep commonality and a life that is good for all.” (Pg. 144)

She concludes, “Theology that is truly alive … does not drop straight from heaven as ‘God’s Word.’ Rather, it constitutes itself in the solidarity of those affected. I continue to understand faith as a mixture of trust and fear, hope and doubt… My life is that of a theological worker who tries to tell something of God’s pain and God’s joy… It was my participation in the worldwide Christian movement toward a Conciliar Process in which justice, peace, and integrity of creation finally, clearly represent the heart of faith. Theologically, I think I am less alone today than years ago.” (Pg. 166)

This is a charming and very informative book, that will be “must reading” for fans of Soelle’s work, and of great interest to those concerned with contemporary/progressive theology.
Read less
=======================
Sela Finau
5.0 out of 5 stars a wind view
Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2009
This is one of my favorite books. If you have not gotten the chance to read any of Dorothee Soelle's writings, let this be your intro; she is an amazing writer. Dorothee Soelle was a very open-minded theologian, radical with her thoughts and deeply considerate with her heart. Her heart-filled and beautiful stories are very moving to say the least. It is rich, real, well written, and worth the few pennies you'll invest.
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The Power of Now Free Summary Review | Eckhart Tolle | PDF | Free Audiobook | Book Mind Map | Infographic | by Chapters

The Power of Now Free Summary Review | Eckhart Tolle | PDF | Free Audiobook | Book Mind Map | Infographic | by Chapters





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The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle Summary, Analysis and Key Insights

posted on SEPTEMBER 13, 2021


Read time: 9 min
A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Contents hide
1 A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
2 Eckhart Tolle’s Perspective
3 Introduction
4 StoryShot #1: Your Mind and Body Are Separate
5 StoryShot #2: Observe Your Relationship With Your Mind
6 StoryShot #3: Focus on the Present
7 StoryShot #4: Accept the Tragedies in Your Life
8 StoryShot #5: Be Permanently Alert
9 StoryShot #6: Your Ego is Destructive
10 StoryShot #7: Manifest Your Flow of Energy
11 StoryShot #8: Relationships Can Pull You Away From the Present
12 StoryShot #9: Detach to Find Peace
13 StoryShot #10: Surrender Rather Than Resign
14 Final Summary and Review of The Power of Now
15 Rating
16 The Power of Now PDF, Free Audiobook and Animated Book Summary
17 The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle Free Mindmap
18 Related Book Summaries to The Power of Now



Life gets busy. Has The Power of Now been gathering dust on your bookshelf? Instead, pick up the key ideas now.

Don’t you already have the book? We’re scratching the surface here. To learn the juicy details and support the author, order the book or get the audiobook for free on Amazon.


Eckhart Tolle’s Perspective

A German resident of Canada, Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual leader and author. In 2008, the New York Times described Tolle as “the most popular spiritual author in the United States.” Additionally, the Watkins Review claimed in 2011 that he was the most spiritually influential person in the world. Although not identified with a particular religion, Tolle claims to be influenced by multiple religions and spiritual works.
Introduction

The Power of Now states that living in the now is the most authentic path to happiness and enlightenment. Eckhart Tolle awakens readers to their role as a creator of pain. He also shows them how to have a pain-free identity by living fully in the present. If you surrender to the present moment, your problems will no longer exist. The present is where you will find joy, embrace your true self, and discover you are already complete and perfect.
StoryShot #1: Your Mind and Body Are Separate

Your mind is the primary origin of pain. So, if you allow your ego to take over, you will endure considerably more pain. Your mind is associated with pain because it frequently brings up memories. Focusing on your memories often leads to worries about the past and more significant anxiety about the future. Generally, our mind fixates on negative memories. Subsequently, this prevents us from living in the present. The pain associated with memories is compounded by us having no control over these events. Eckhart Tolle highlights that we only have control over the present. We have no control over our memories or future events.

Tolle suggests you try to separate yourself from your mind due to the pain associated with your mind. Try to focus on your body. Your body understands what is best for you. Subsequently, you can learn a lot about the critical factors within your life by choosing to focus on your body. Tolle argues that nobody has ever found enlightenment by focusing on their mind and ignoring their body.

The Buddha was passionate about the concept of separating your mind from your body. The Buddha learned from spending six years abstaining and intermittently fasting that he could not reach enlightenment by separating his body. Instead, he found the only effective practices were those that helped him feel united with his body.
StoryShot #2: Observe Your Relationship With Your Mind

When you seek to detach yourself from your mind, you must be fully conscious of your mind’s power. This consciousness should allow you to highlight the subtle ways your mind causes you pain. This pain could be through behavior or thoughts. Simply observing your relationship with your mind will create a gap in the flow of your thinking. For example, suppose you ask yourself what your next thought will be. There will likely be a delay before your next clear thought arrives. Consistently using questions like this will help you become more conscious of how you become so used to your mind’s flow. Alternatively, breaking up your thoughts will help you isolate your mind and separate yourself from it. Try to accept these thoughts as they arise. But, do not necessarily follow the advice of these thoughts.
StoryShot #3: Focus on the Present

You likely spend most of your time thinking about the past and future. Tolle suggests you could be neglecting the only moment fully available to you, which is your present. No events occur in the past or future. Life is just a continuous stream of present moments over time. The past is a collection of once-present moments that have passed. The future is filled with several present moments that are yet to arrive.

As the past and future are simply alternative versions of the present, there are no advantages to worrying about them. If you can simply focus on the present, you will only be dealing with minor problems as they arise. You can break a challenging task into several minor challenges.
StoryShot #4: Accept the Tragedies in Your Life

Tolle introduces the readers to the concept of pain-body. According to him, pain-body is an accumulation of painful life experiences that were not fully faced and accepted in the moment they happened. They leave an energy form of emotional pain behind. They come together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a pain-body: an energy entity consisting of old emotion. It’s a heavy burden for us to carry around and it

continues to grow as we add more pain. The residual pain can overwhelm us, so we must learn to cope with it.

Living in the present does not mean you should surrender to the present. You should adopt mental strategies to deal with any negative feelings that emerge from dealing with the present. Not all pain is within our control, as we all experience challenging moments like loved ones passing away. That said, you must accept these traumatic events for what they are. Doing so will limit the quantity of pain and the length of this painful period. Understanding that nothing can now be changed will help you avoid unnecessary suffering. Detaching from your mind will provide you with the inner strength required to accept painful situations.
StoryShot #5: Be Permanently Alert

Eckhart Tolle describes the optimal state of presence as permanent alertness. As well as separating yourself from your mind, you should also adopt an active waiting technique. Active waiting is characterized by being aware that something important could happen at any moment. So, during this state, you have all your attention focused on the present moment.

Active waiting suppresses any opportunities to daydream, plan for the future, or remember the past. It is impossible to be distracted from the present. One of the strengths of active waiting is that it helps you pay attention to your body for potential events. Tolle explains that Zen masters sneak up on their pupils when they have their eyes closed. Then, they attempt to hit the student. This approach forced their students to adopt active waiting, which helped them fully concentrate on their bodies.
StoryShot #6: Your Ego is Destructive

Tolle speaks at length about the negative impact of your ego. Your ego is a part of your mind that controls your thoughts and behavior. Crucially, ego is part of your ‘inner body,’ which often controls you without your knowledge. Tolle highlights that your ego depends on your misery for its continued existence. As your ego relies on misery, it also obstructs your potential happiness.

The impact of egos on humans is apparent when you consider that nobody wants to suffer. Yet, there are so many people who are architects of their own downfall. They intentionally sabotage their own happiness or stay in painful relationships. The ego is a destructive part of the human mind. It wants to be an essential part of you and knows no limits. So, if you let it gain control, it will bring you much suffering.
StoryShot #7: Manifest Your Flow of Energy

Tolle recommends that readers connect to the unmanifested presence of the now that we carry with us at all times. So, we must practice being present to inner energy for 10-15 minutes at a time. Breaking away from a focus on your body will allow you to be more aware of this energy. Specifically, once you have identified unmanifested energy, you want to flow this energy into the manifested form. Tolle calls this Chi.

Sleep is a period when you will experience more of the unmanifested. But you will not liberate the energy associated with the manifested unless you enter it consciously. So, conscious awareness of the now is your main portal. You can reinforce your awareness of the now by practicing silence. The interplay of sound and silence shapes all our manifested experiences. Space is also the emptiness among the atoms of the world and is comparable to silence. It is usually impossible to be fully aware of space or silence. However, if you can become aware of space, you will also become aware of the unmanifested.

Sleep is an example of an involuntary portal. Similarly, death is another involuntary portal. It opens up briefly at the time of physical death. Suppose you missed all other opportunities for spiritual realization during your lifetime. In this case, you will still have one last portal open up for you immediately after the body has died.
StoryShot #8: Relationships Can Pull You Away From the Present

Relationships are consistently associated with suffering, partly because society believes we are entitled to great relationships. That said, Tolle believes that relationships often pull us away from the present. This is common because relationships encourage us to consider future experiences as saviors. Relationships are naturally addictive because they create a love-hate cycle. These cycles make us feel alive. But we are often drawn to people romantically because of our wounds. Subsequently, we become disillusioned when our romantic partners are unable to heal these wounds.

Your spiritual path should never depend on another person. This is particularly important to consider as relationships can activate the pain-body when we are disillusioned with the relationship. To heal, we must dis-identify with the mind and connect with the now.

Tolle believes women are naturally closer to enlightenment, as they are also naturally closer to their bodies. Men are too obsessed with their minds. Women also have a collective pain-body due to women being subjugated within society. So, women must reflect on how much they resist letting go of their pain.
StoryShot #9: Detach to Find Peace

Simply accepting things as they are is the first step in achieving peace. Tolle suggests you move beyond the binary of good and bad by viewing every experience as potentially moving you toward peace. The ego’s need for control creates the most destructive things in life. We can create drama when we battle with other egos. We can also create drama on our own, battling with our egos. Tolle says humans are the only life form on earth that knows negativity. Fight against this and use detachment to be free of expectations and acquire genuine compassion.
StoryShot #10: Surrender Rather Than Resign

Surrender is not the same thing as resignation. One can surrender to the reality of a situation and still take steps to create a different path. Surrendered actions involve letting go of judgment while seeking change. Tolle believes you can experience more effective motivation when you surrender. Surrender your resistance by acknowledging it and then understanding how your mind seeks to label and judge this resistance. Understanding your resistance will liberate you from being reactive and allow you to choose your actions freely.

Surrendering is another way to achieve peace. Tolle suggests you mindfully surrender to each moment. Say yes to both what is and what isn’t. Without surrendering, we are swapping potential peace for suffering through resistance. You will know that you have effectively surrendered when you no longer have to ask yourself whether you have surrendered.
Final Summary and Review of The Power of Now

The Power of Now is an overview of how you can move from the past and future into the now. Tolle believes that being present and aware of your bodily reactions is key to understanding yourself. Being present requires you to realize the influence of your mind and focus more on your body. The power of being present is the ability to surrender to the reality of pain and still seek change. By accepting hardship, you can find peace and choose your actions freely.
Rating

We rate this book 4.5/5.
Our Score

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Filed Under: All Books, New, Personal Growth, Philosophy, Spirituality & ReligionTagged With: meditation, mindfulness

2021/09/25

[책] I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better Gary B. Lundberg 2000

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships 
by Gary B. Lundberg | Goodreads:
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships
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2000, ‎ 336 pages



 4.15  ·   Rating details ·  846 ratings  ·  158 reviews
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.
Joy Saunders Lundberg is a writer and speaker. Together with her husband Gary Lundberg she presents seminars and workshops throughout the country and cohosts a weekly radio show on relationships. The parents of five children, they live in Provo, Utah. Meet them on their Web site at www.allbetter.net.
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In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of fixer and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends. (less)

 Average rating4.15  ·  Rating details ·  846 ratings  ·  158 reviews
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Write a review
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Juliana
Feb 28, 2008Juliana rated it it was amazing

After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.

To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."

Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.

Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.

I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.

This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex yet interrelated. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.

The previous book reviews, in order, are:

flag8 likes · Like  · 2 comments · see review

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Top reviews from the United States
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Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars
 This book changed and improved my life.
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2018
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This is the 4th time I have purchased this book. It helped me so much in dealing with my mother, who has borderline personality disorder, that I have purchased it 3 additional times for others that are faced with similar relationships as mine. 

Probably the most life-changing concept that I learned from this book is that when you do everything for someone else, you are taking away the opportunity for that person to learn from their experiences. 

Because of this book, I have been able to let go of the guilt when I say 'no' to my mother's constant requests for my attention and help. Don't get me wrong, my mother is 83 years old and needs help. But when she calls me, crying, because she can't get the tv to work, I don't drop everything in order to go fix her tv. I suggest to her that she listen to a book on tape or find another activity. She may not be happy with me, but this book has given me the courage to say 'no', or when to say 'I'll get to it when I can', and not feel guilty about it. 
I'd recommend it to anyone in a similar situation as I am, or any parent that tends to do everything for their children.

14 people found this helpful

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Jerianna
May 27, 2011Jerianna rated it it was amazing

This book is a life-changer. I read it in bits and pieces and have tried to digest it and make it a part of who I am and how I respond to people. It has already changed the way I treat my children. I have a really long way to go...Something is better than nothing, I guess.
flag4 likes · Like  · comment · see review
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Tiffany
May 14, 2016Tiffany rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-improvement

Wow! This book just crossed my path for a moment, and I am so glad I took the time to read it. I am constantly feeling guilty either about not being able to help when I want to, or about being manipulated into helping when I don't want to help others solve their problems. And I know I need to work on being a better listener. This book addressed the issue of being a great listener, validating others, and keeping healthy boundaries in a respectful way.

The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships. There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents & in-laws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job. Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow!

My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember: (view spoiler) (less)
flag2 likes · Like  · comment · see review
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Bryan Tanner
Jan 24, 2018Bryan Tanner rated it it was amazing
Shelves: self-help, aaa-worth-owning

This was the most-influential book I read in 2017. (I usually finish a book in a week, but I labored over this one for a month.) This book taught me that I lacked many invaluable emotional/listening/change management skills, which I desperately needed in all my important relationships (e.g., romantic, family, service, friends).

Takeaways:

1. I am not responsible for other people's problems. I am only responsible for my own.
2. I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to. Evidence: when has telling someone (emotional) to do something ever worked out really well for them? Never.
3. People are more capable than we think (even children). Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (when they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board).
3. Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live.
4. The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them until they feel listened to and understood.
5. If you continue along someone's emotional path as a non-judgemental friend long enough, a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways act in dealing with their problems. These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than what I might have come up with.
6. Therefore, not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel. Staying silent is. I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and ask compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions.


Other valuable ideas/quotes:

Validation is "the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction."

4 Rules of Validation:
  • Listen (by giving your full attention)
  • Listen (to the feelings being expressed)
  • Listen (to the needs being expressed)
  • Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)"

"The universal need of every human being" is "to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me."

"The underlying principles that allows a person to effectively validate someone else" is "a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better."

The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem.

"The four key elements of effective boundary setting" are "be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm."

Never attempt to teach when the person is upset or in the heat of the moment. Cool down, and find another time.

Good validating phrases/questions:
  • "That's got to be hard.
  • I think I might have felt the same way.
  • How did you feel about that?
  • What do you think might work?" (less)

flag2 likes · Like  · comment · see review
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Keith
Jul 30, 2020Keith rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage, self-help

I don’t have to make everything all better. All I have to do is listen!

Listening is hard to do. We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem. It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were. Don’t prescribe, just listen.

Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.

Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”

“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree. (Introduction)

“...every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)
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Contents

Part 1: The Principles
1. Be an effective validator
2. Leave the responsibility where it belongs
3. Acknowledge emotions
4. Develop the art of listening
5. Find the right time to teach
6. Learn the effective validating phrases and question

Part 2: The Application
Chapters illustrating validation in various setting follow

Conclusion
1. What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ...”
2. What are the four rules of validation?
- LISTEN (by giving your full attention)
- LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed)
- LISTEN (to the needs being expressed)
- UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)
3. What is the universal need of every human being?
4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?
5. Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?
6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?
7. When is the right time to teach?
8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266-267 of 272)
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It is written with lots of anecdotes. At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to. After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book. I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.

I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages. (less)
flag1 like · Like  · comment · see review
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Rachel M.
Feb 23, 2019Rachel M. rated it it was amazing

Lund’s ideas really resonated with me. I’ve been trying to be better about how I react to my kids (mis)behavior and this really helped me think how to stay calm and give them the validation they need.
flag1 like · Like  · comment · see review

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Betsy
Jul 04, 2013Betsy rated it it was amazing

This is a fantastic book. I can't recommend it enough for "fixers" like me, who really do just want to make it all better. Practical advice that works to help heal relationships and to keep hurt feelings and misunderstandings at bay. I have begun to incorporate the principles espoused in this book and I can tell you they work beautifully. I believe reading this has saved my relationships with my daughters. I can't put it more strongly than that. Most times people want validation of their feelings, not advice or criticism. I know for me, when I go to someone for sympathy and to vent, and instead get "I told you so", or their own stories, it makes me resentful of not being heard. This book made me realize how often I do that as well, and it's past time for a change. (less)
flag1 like · Like  · comment · see review
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C Janet 
Feb 21, 2015C Janet rated it it was amazing
Shelves: good-read

This should be mandatory reading for every parent. Commonsense approach for learning to walk beside someone but not take on their issues. This is our 5th copy. We originally purchased this book in the late 1990's. We have given 4 copies away to friends and have had wonderful feedback. Just dealing with our adult children, we find we have to reread this to know how to support them emotionally but not solve their problems. Wish I had had this book while raising kids!!! Excellent! Truly a good read. (less)
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Grandma

Jul 09, 2008Grandma rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: parents, family members, friends
Recommended to Grandma by: Cindy Brown

I am learning how to respond to husband, friends, family
when they ask for advice that you don't do a put-down but instead a validation. It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.
Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem. It even works on children. (less)
flag1 like · Like  · comment · see review

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Bethany
Jan 19, 2018Bethany rated it it was amazing
Shelves: emotions-boundaries
This book was a complete perspective-changer for me. It gave me tools to set boundaries that I have been wanting to set for a long time. For some it may be overly simple or not broad enough, but for me it came at just the right time (recommended from an amazing friend) and gave me just what I needed. Very clear examples of how to practice the principles that are taught.
flag1 like · Like  · comment · see review
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Caroline
Nov 01, 2014Caroline rated it it was amazing
Shelves: brainy
IT's the love and logic book for adults and other relationships. I need to read again.

-no advice, make people figure it out on their own
-teaching moments come later, not in times when the emotions are high
-empathy
-ask questions to help them come to own solution.
(less)
flag1 like · Like  · see review
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Dominique
Feb 06, 2020Dominique rated it really liked it

I was surprised at how much I liked this book. Reading it was obligatory for book club, and I’m not usually a “self-help” type book-lover. But I gave it a chance for book club and was pleasantly surprised. This book doesn’t present any new concepts, but the way it explains them makes so much sense. 

It is practical and applicable and makes you want to apply the principles right away, because I want to be listened to and understood as well! 
I thought it was very freeing to be told I’m not responsible for others’ problems, and also very humbling for when I’ve tried to solve others’ problems when I should have been listening. I thought it had a good amount of examples to see how it applies, and although there was quite a bit of repetition, it wasn’t annoyingly done. I liked the chapters of how to validate and listen to the many people and relationships we have in our lives. It’s also not a very long book which was a good thing.

I would recommend this book to everyone. (less)
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R.C.
Nov 30, 2017R.C. rated it really liked it
Shelves: wisdom
This book is almost 20 years old, slightly dated, and still relevant. I picked it up because I know I have a tendency to get caught up in others' problems, but I never realized how much I try to give advice when I should instead be listening and offering support. I'm not one of those people who sees others as slackers who want me to fix everything for them, but I do often want to give advice, which cuts short my attentive listening and can annoy whoever I'm talking to. This book gets a bit repetitive in its examples, and it would have been nice to have a bit more discussion of using the principles discussed with coworkers instead of customers/family, but still, it's thought-provoking and has already made me attempt to change how I interact with others. (less)
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Greg
Oct 25, 2020Greg rated it liked it
Shelves: personal-development, religion-and-spirituality

Really liked the first chapter in which Lundberg explains his ideas on empowerment. Appreciated the next couple of chapters as well, but then I realized the remainder of the book was simply applying the same principles in different situations. Sometimes it was worthwhile, but more often it was either so obvious that it was unnecessary, or else it was enough of a stretch that I thought there were better ways to handle the situation.

My advice? Read the first 20% of the book to understand his ideas ...more
flagLike  · comment · see review
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Karin
Mar 02, 2019Karin rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help, parenting, communication-skills, breastfeeding

This was such a breath of fresh air. Just listen. Listen and validate.

This book is older and I assumed it would be full of manipulation, but it wasn't. Until you get to the chapters on children (who "learn to manipulate early") and blended families. 
Other than that, the theory chapters were wonderful and I wonder how I went so many years not having read it. I will be remembering his phrases and questions. I am already able to integrate this into my communication with others. And I have added it to my own communication sessions. (less)

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Julia
Feb 24, 2020Julia rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
  • Quick read, with pretty simple concepts. 
  • I liked how they provided chapters specific to certain relationships (co-worker, parents, children, blended families, etc). 
  • There is a Christian undertone throughout, with references to morals, prayer and at one point the Bible is suggested as an additional reference. 
  • This book is more for people who are new to holding boundaries and the concept of validation. 
  • I was hoping this would be more focused on how to alleviate the feeling of being responsible to help anyone who needs it; this book is more focused on how to redirect conversations. (less)
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Aimee
Feb 23, 2021Aimee rated it it was amazing
This was given to me by a friend when I took on some new leadership responsibilities at my church. I found it an enjoyable read with, as promised, practical principles. Clear examples of everyday situations also helped to visualize how to use validation and support to help others solve their own problems.

These are not new ideas, I don't even think they were new when this was written in the 1990s, so it may feel like a repeat of other books. That said, I would still recommend it to everyone. Put ...more
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Erin
Nov 06, 2020Erin rated it it was amazing
I wish I had known about this book 18 years ago! My parenting would have been so different! Luckily, the principles taught in this book not only apply to small children, but teenagers, adult children, spouses, aging parents, friends, and co-workers! I have learned the importance of listening and validating others, letting them talk and figure out their own solutions to problems. There are very relatable examples and suggestions throughout this book!
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Joan Kay
May 10, 2018Joan Kay rated it it was amazing
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I recommend this book frequently to clients. It is an easy-to-read, practical guide to some basic communication skills which will enrich all your relationships. Those with adult children who are having a hard time "launching" seem to find it particularly helpful. (less)
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Jeff Merrill
Jan 26, 2020Jeff Merrill rated it it was amazing
His ideas seem simple at first, but in application, they are quite profound. He explains how validating others better helps them with their problems while freeing you from the (false) sense of responsibility to solve their problems for them. I expect this book to have a lasting impact on all my relationships.
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Olea
Sep 19, 2021Olea rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Such a fantastic book! It helped me so much in creating better skills to communicate with my daughter as she transitioned into adulthood. I only wish I'd known it existed years ago! My communication and relationships could have all been better for so much longer! Definitely recommend!! (less)
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Customer Reviews: 4.6 out of 5 stars    223 ratings


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Brian Carman
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Book! Addresses every human's issue of value and meaning.
Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2013
Verified Purchase

Many of us don't understand that we can't be happy because we won't let ourselves be happy. We've been scared of feeling our emotions of fear or resentment or other tough emotions. As children, we often get the subconscious message that we aren't important, our emotions don't matter, and people don't care about us.

In I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, we learn that every human has a basic need to feel that they have worth, their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. It gives six principles for how to treat others that way. It has several examples of how to apply these principles with our children and others so they feel they have worth, that their feelings matter, and that someone cares about them. And if we're smart, we'll start to treat ourselves and our own emotions in the same way so we, too, can feel our feelings like we're made to do. Our feelings are where we "feel" fulfilled. If we're always stuffing them so we can't feel them, we won't be able to truly feel fulfilled (joyful and peaceful).

Following these principles allows people to keep their problems and gives them the freedom to figure their problems out on their own with maybe just some carefully placed, considerate questions. We never have to take on someone else's problems (unnecessary weight on our shoulders). We never have to fix anyone's problems, because we can't make anything all better for anyone. We can only do that for ourselves, and so others must do that for themselves, too. And it's very gratifying for us and them when this happens, especially with our kids. No more need to control our kids emotions. There's now a method for letting them feel their emotions to let them process and pass. Then the problem solving can begin for the child. We don't have to fix their problems. We just have to be supportive in the right way and let them find their own solutions. This takes a huge weight off our shoulders as parents. This book can benefit just about anyone.

Read less
15 people found this helpful
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molly
5.0 out of 5 stars !!!RELIEF!!! & world peace
Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2011
Verified Purchase
Strongly recommended for clergy and husbands. You can not give advice until it is begged for, many light years from now. Shut up and surrender to listening.

Q. How can I offer social support without taking on the burden of other peoples problems?
A. Active Listening

summary:

The art of listening means I don't have to fix it, just feel. I do not have to solve the problem necessarily, just validate and dignify the feelings and experiences of others. (i.e. "That must be hard"!) I can offer emotional support while leaving the responsibility where it belongs. No one is more capable of solving our problems than those who understand it best, ourselves. We just want to know that we are not alone. To Listen seems simple enough but it is an acquired skill and takes practice. Listening is an Art. Feel with me. It's healing to cry together. "Mourn with those that mourn" - easu

active listening is..
..reflecting back feelings: *Acknowledge feelings: mad, sad, glad, afraid *Paraphrase, summarize and ask questions *Body Language, show interest, keep them talking. Active listening is an effective service we can do every day.

so, what you're saying is..
We do not have to agree ("yes", "uhuh"), Only observe ("hmmm", "oh", "ah", "wow"), ask open ended questions, use validating phrases and paraphrase. Find ways to relate. Learn to say no. "no. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help." or "no. ask me again sometime."

shut up and listen
Sigmund Freud use to exhaust himself trying to help his clients, and solve their problems. Finally he got depressed himself, gave up, and just sat there listening to people talk. He discovered that the more people talk the more they are able to resolve their own psychosis and get things in perspective. He encouraged them to keep talking through active listening skills, asking them 'open' ended questions such as: *"how does that make you feel"? *"Tell me more about.." *"Wow. I hear your joy, frustration, anger, fear.."

advice
Advice can sound critical because it may way oversimplify complex experiences. If we must we can express our concerns in the form of a question so that it does not sound presumptuous, judgmental and alienating. But that can wait for the right teaching moment and another conversation entirely. The right teaching moment is 'not' in the heat of the moment. For now build relationships, give the gift of time, attention, and just listen.

open ended questions

*Oh? *I hear you saying.. *So what you're saying is.. *Is that correct? *What does that mean? *How did you feel about that? *What did you do? *And then what did you do? *What would you like to do? *When do you think it could be done? *What do you think the outcome will be? *What do you think might work? *What do you think would work next time? *Are there other options? *What happened? *How did it happen? *Where did it happen? *When did it happen? *What did you think? *How could you stand it? *How did you stand that? *And then what did you say? *What do you think caused the problem? *What's wrong? *What went wrong? *What was that like? *Did you enjoy that? *Did that hurt your feelings?

validating phrases

*Oh *I'll bet that's hard *That would hurt *I think I might have felt the same way *That must be frustrating *I'm so sorry that happened to you *Wow! *That's interesting *What a difficult position to be in *That's awful! *I don't blame you one bit. *That's wonderful! *That was good. *I'm happy along with you. *I'm happy for you. *I'm sad with you. *That's painful *I'll bet that was difficult *I feel like crying, too. *What an awkward situation to be in *That was amazing *I'll bet that was fun *That's neat *I'll bet you'll miss him *I would have been embarrassed, too *That's exciting *I never thought of that *What a good idea *What a good way to handle that situation *That just might be the best solution *Well, if that doesn't beat all *Oh, my goodness. *Oh, no! I know how much that meant to you. *That's a tough spot to be in. *That's a real bummer *That's got to be a real challenge *Tell me more

vocabulary of feelings

Don't make it personal, stick to how you feel. "I feel.." vs "you are.." State level of intensity, strong, moderate, mild.

fear

terrified, frightened, intimidated, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror stricken, stage fright, dread, vulnerable, paralyzed, - afraid, scared, fearful, apprehensive, jumpy, shaky, threatened, distrustful, risky, alarmed, butterflies, risks, awkward, defensive - nervous, anxious, unsure, hesitant, timid, shy, worried, uneasy, bashful, embarrassed, ill at ease, doubtful, jitters, on edge

care

tenderness toward, affection, captivated, attached to, devoted to, adoration, loving, infatuated, enamored, cherish, idolize, revere, honor, worship - caring, fond of, regard, respectful, admiration, concern for, hold dear, prize, taken with, turned on, trust, close - warm toward, friendly, like, positives toward,

glad

thrilled, on cloud nine, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, elated, sensational, exhilarated, fantastic, on top of the world, turned on, euphoric, enthusiastic, delighted, marvelous, great, cheerful, lighthearted - happy, serene, wonderful, up, aglow, glowing, in high spirits, jovial, riding high, elevated, neat - glad, good, contented, satisfied, gratified, pleasant, pleased, fine

mad

furious, enraged, seething, outraged, infuriated, burned up, pissed off, fighting mad, nauseated, violent, indignant, hatred, bitter, galled, vengeful, vicious - resentful, irritated, hostile, annoyed, frustrated, upset with, agitated, mad, aggravated, offended, antagonistic, exasperated, belligerent, mean, vexed, spiteful, vindictive, uptight, disgusted, bugged, turned off, put out, miffed, irked perturbed, ticked off, teed off, chagrined, cross, dismayed, impatient,

sad

desolated, dejected, hopeless, alienated, depressed, gloomy, dismal, bleak, in despair, empty, barren, grieved, grief, despair, grim - distressed, upset, downcast, sorrowful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, weepy, rotten, awful, horrible, terrible, blue, lost, melancholy - unhappy, down, low, bad, blah, disappointed, sad, glum

hurt

crushed, destroyed, ruined, degraded, pained, wounded, devastated, tortured, disgraced, humiliated, anguished, at the mercy of, cast off, forsaken, rejected, discarded - hurt, belittled, shot down, overlooked, abused, depreciated, criticized, defamed, censured, discredited, disparaged, laughed at, maligned, mistreated, ridiculed, devalued, wronged, mocked, scoffed at, used, exploited, debased, slammed, slandered, cheapened - put down, neglected, overlooked, minimized, let down, lonely - isolated, abandoned, all alone, forsaken, cutoff - lonely, alienated, estranged, remote, alone - left out, excluded, lonesome, distant, aloof

confused

bewildered, puzzled, baffled, perplexed, trapped, confounded, in a dilemma, quandary, full of questions, confused - mixed up, disorganized, foggy, troubled, adrift, lost, going around in circles - uncertain, unsure, bothered, minimized, let down, disconcerted, frustrated, in a bind, ambivalent, disturbed, helpless, embroiled, uncertain

inadequate

worthless, good for nothing, washed up, powerless, helpless, impotent, crippled, inferior, emasculated, useless, finished, like a failure - inadequate, whipped, defeated, incompetent, inept, overwhelmed, ineffective, lacking, deficient, unable, small, insignificant, unfit, unimportant, incomplete, no good, immobilized, lacking confidence, unsure of yourself, uncertain, weak, inefficient

shame

guilt, humiliated, unforgivable, disgraced, horrible, mortified, exposed, sick at heart, ashamed, guilty, remorseful, crummy, to blame, lost face, demeaned, regretful, wrong, embarrassed, at fault, in error, responsible for, blew it, goofed, lament

our biggest vice is advice

Paradigm- "Seek first to understand Then to be understood" ~Stephen R. Covey. Do not let our certainty be a mask for insensitivity. We are keenly aware of our own challenges, or others perception of them. We do not need to be reminded. "Thank you anyway, I got it covered." To actually feel with others can be cathartic for us as well. The Lundberg's book is almost total relief of stress, suffering and it is the answer to world peace. Must be required curriculum in our schools. Print this out now. Buy up all used copies and give them to your friends, spouse, colleagues, and clergy. Learn a new language and end stress and suffering. Live happily ever after.

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10 people found this helpful
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David K.
5.0 out of 5 stars Easy to read; Simple to do; Incredible results
Reviewed in the United States on December 14, 2017
Verified Purchase

This is such a wonderful book with knowledge that can change relationships in the simplest manner. It is a quick and easy read, and is not filled with a dozen new things you need to learn. Yet the change it creates is astounding! I've begun practicing what I've learned and have had amazing results. And it works for everyone. When I've finished reading it I will start again so I can keep the information fresh in my mind to change the way I communicate and interact with others. It's like The Bible for Good Relationships.

4 people found this helpful
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Kay
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and Practical Book
Reviewed in Canada on April 27, 2019
Verified Purchase
If only I remembered to always follow the book's advice!! Easy to read and understand where the author is coming from. I took notes to condense the book, and periodically review them. The methods do work. It's hard to change one's regular behaviors, so I personally need to remind myself to use the advice from the book. Of all the advice books I've read in my lifetime, this is by far the best one. It's all about validation, having others feel that they are understood (you don't have to agree with them, but you can still understand their point of view). Just that de-escalates lots of tensions. Now if only I can stop giving advice.....
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Jessie
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read
Reviewed in Canada on August 14, 2019
Verified Purchase
Almost done reading this and the advice while practical and logical is often not practiced. A good reminder and after implementing some of the recommendations it has improved many aspects of communication with my loved ones.
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MTJ