The Convert Series: Rebecca Burley - The Toast
The Convert Series: Rebecca Burley
By Daniel Mallory Ortberg
on June 1, 2016 in RELIGION
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I like talking with people who have changed religions. Here is one of them. Previously: Tamelonie Thomas.
Rebecca is a Quaker living in Atlanta with her wife, two dogs, and cat. She is an aspiring children’s librarian.
Hi, Rebecca! Can you tell me a little bit about your religious background growing up?
I grew up super fundamentalist, like, almost Quiverfull, and am now an atheist Quaker. My wife and I were married under the care of our Quaker meeting a few weeks ago, and if a few years ago, someone had told me I’d have a religious wedding ceremony, I would have laughed at them, but now I can’t imagine having done it any other way.
I grew up in a Christian tradition that taught that people are broken and worthless and that it’s only God’s love that makes us good. I think people are good. I don’t think we need a Deity to make us that way.
It took me a while to find my worldview after becoming an atheist. There were a few years of “Okay, I don’t believe in God. Now what?” A lot of atheist writing didn’t inspire me or offer good answers to those questions. It wasn’t until I started researching Quakerism that the pieces really started to fall into place and my worldview as an atheist took shape. The basis of Quakerism is that there is that of the Light in everyone. (What the Light is is up to the individual. For some, the Light is the Christian God, for others it’s simply the capacity for goodness and compassion in everyone.) And I really loved that. There is goodness in me naturally. It doesn’t take a God to make me good. It doesn’t take a God to make me worthy of love. It doesn’t take a God to make me want to help people. Those things are a natural part of me and it’s my responsibility to bring those qualities out in myself and to help people find those qualities in themselves.
Knowing that my good qualities are an inherent part of me and not something I only have because of God has been a relief as well as a responsibility. It can be easy to let those qualities become hidden under selfishness and anger, so I have to take care of them and foster them. They are my responsibility.
Can you tell me a bit about when you first learned that there were spiritual/non-religious options other than the tradition you were raised in?
I don’t remember when I first heard about atheism. I always knew there were people who didn’t believe in God, and I always knew they were The Enemy. The first atheists I met were probably in high school, kids who I realize now as an adult were rebelling for the sake of rebelling, not because they were giving any great thought to theology and philosophy. I remember getting into debates with them, working so hard to convince them that God was real while also being envious of their non-belief, the freedom they must have felt from it. I was always jealous of atheists, though it wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I took it on for myself.
There was a period of time in my late teens and early twenties when a lot of awful things happened to my family. For several years we had a streak of one person a year ending up in the ICU and none of us knowing if they would wake up the next day — illness, overdose, car accidents, a different person each year. The comments and “encouragement” I saw in cards and Facebook posts were horrifying. “Can you imagine how much worse it could have been if God wasn’t watching over you?” “Satan tries his hardest to knock us down, but we have to get right back up!”
I realized during that time that I didn’t see the world as a battlefield for cosmic forces. Satan was not attacking my family and God was not fighting back for us. I was very angry for a couple of years. Angry at religious and the awful lies I had been told for so long. I’ve leveled out a lot in the past few years. I’m not bothered so much at the idea of God or whether or not people believe in one, but I do still get angry about the lies believers tell, the lies I believed for so long, about gender and sexuality and morality, that you constantly have to be pleasing to God and that only God makes you worthy as a person.
So how did you become a Quaker?
After I got over the initial thrill of being an atheist (because it was thrilling, finally feeling that freedom I’d always been told I’d find in Christ, but never did), I started missing parts of religion, mainly the community and ritual. There’s so much value to be found in ritual; it can be very grounding and comforting. I tried out a few gay-affirming congregations, and I tried a couple of Unitarian Universalist churches, but the services felt really cheesy to me. My journey to Quakerism honestly started when I remembered reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond and figuring that if the Quakers were burned as witches, I would probably like them.
I went to a few meetings sporadically over the year or so and really loved them. I loved how the meetings were open and affirming and solemn. The Atlanta Friends Meeting has unprogrammed worship, which means that we sit in silence for an hour and if someone feels led to give a message, they speak. I was worried at first that this might mean speaking in tongues, but it doesn’t. At least not that I’ve ever experienced. Sometimes we can have whole meeting with no one saying a word, and sometimes there will be meetings where it seems there was more speaking than silence.
It wasn’t until I started seriously dating my wife that I started going regularly. She grew up in a similar Christian environment as me and went through a lot of the same hurt from it that I did, though her faith in God is still very strong. We started talking about what we wanted for our future family, what kind of community we wanted our kids to be brought up in, what we wanted them to learn about faith and religion. I mentioned that I’d gone to AFM a few times before, and she said she’d gone to some Quaker meetings when she lived in Philly. So we decided to try it together. Our first meeting together was like finding the puzzle piece that completed our relationship. We knew where we wanted to go and what we wanted to be together.
My favorite thing about Quakerism is that it is a place for doubt, but it’s not a sorrowful doubt: it’s a joyful doubt. When I was a Christian, it was ingrained in me that the answer to every question is in the Bible. It was okay to have doubts and ask questions, just so long as you got your answers from the Bible and took them as the final word. With Quakerism, it’s perfectly okay if you questions are never answered, if your doubts are never assuaged. Maybe every god is out there, maybe no god is out there, but either way, we have each other, we have this community, and we can work together to be the source of strength and stability we each need.
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Comments (85)
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+88Vote up
zachariahary · 128 weeks ago
Hey Friend!
I think "My journey to Quakerism honestly started when I remembered reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond and figuring that if the Quakers were burned as witches, I would probably like them." is my favorite explanation for how someone came to Quakerism. I remember being so psyched there were Quakers in that book in grade school. Although it being set in the 17th century did reinforce my classmates assumptions that I did not have electricity in my house...
2 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+35Vote up
leider_hosen · 128 weeks ago
Hi Friend! I am also an atheist Quaker, though I come at it from a very different background than you. This was great to read and I'm glad you've found something that seems to suit you so much better. I especially like the line of joyful doubt. Continuing revelation!
2 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+35Vote up
atlasblue85 · 128 weeks ago
I feel like my understanding of Quakerism (and pretty much every other religion) was very misinformed by my Catholic upbringing, as in like, it died out with William Penn. So thank you for this much more modern view of it, I think it's something I could be much more interested in in it's modern form than my previous view of it as just the people who burned witches and ate oatmeal maybe?
28 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+11Vote up
Jessargh · 128 weeks ago
I never even knew that this was a thing! This sounds pretty amazing, thanks for sharing!
+28Vote up
LacaunaKale · 128 weeks ago
As a theist Quaker, thanks for the interview.
+68Vote up
ocwut · 128 weeks ago
...figuring that if the Quakers were burned as witches, I would probably like them.
That is probably the best reason behind joining a religion that I've ever heard.
1 reply · active 128 weeks ago
+62Vote up
hannahfish · 128 weeks ago
While I have always liked Quakerism from afar, I never looked into it enough to realize that there was room for atheists there!
I think the convert series will be what I miss most about the Toast.
2 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+16Vote up
Crivens · 128 weeks ago
I (unexpectedly) love this series. I miss it already.
1 reply · active 128 weeks ago
+48Vote up
LackStratagem · 128 weeks ago
Not fully Quaker, sorta Quaker-adjacent in that I've had my kids in their schools for a decade. Unprogrammed Meeting is the very thing for folks recovering from an overly religious upbringing: no clergy, no gospel, nobody banging on about your immortal soul, just time and space to reflect with open-minded reasonable folks, then coffee and cookies. It has healed what Father Charles had torn asunder.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
1 reply · active 128 weeks ago
+21Vote up
ashurredly · 128 weeks ago
I've considered going to a meeting and this article is making me more interested in doing it. Trivial question - what is considered acceptable to wear?
5 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+6Vote up
betsaroo · 128 weeks ago
I loved this. Thank you!
+13Vote up
theskyrbeast · 128 weeks ago
If a person was interested in learning more about Quakerism, are there any books people would particularly recommend? (Beyond, naturally, The Witch of Blackbird Pond)
11 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+16Vote up
bookwormV · 128 weeks ago
Thank you for this - it was really interesting! I'm really glad you have found a community that makes you happy and are no longer having to deal with hurtful fundamentalism.
I find Quakerism really appealing, and if I ever did want to join a religion, it would be that. I like the fact that it has space for, as you put it, "joyful doubt", and that one can be an atheist and a Quaker. The close association with social justice is also something which is very important to me. I don't think I would ever actually become a Quaker (I would prefer to follow the ideals I am drawn to without doing so within a religious framework, and I would be uncomfortable being part of a belief tradition that did include theists and was considered by most to be part of Christianity. Also, I am not remotely spiritual), but it sounds really great all the same.
+14Vote up
alder_tree · 128 weeks ago
I didn't know you could be an atheist Quaker! What I've read of the Quakers has often appealed to me. I might start looking up local friends meetings.
Also: I was just thinking about The Witch of Blackbird Pond recently! I loved that book in middle school, so much that I bought a copy for myself. I lost it in some move or another, and now I think I might replace it.
3 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+8Vote up
evah42 · 128 weeks ago
The Witch of Blackbird Pond A+++, so wish I had read as a child. And Quakerism is definitely one of the options I researched for my partner and I when we became atheists, before realizing we just like to sleep in and go on long walks in the stead of religious services. But I filed it away as a maybe, someday.
1 reply · active 128 weeks ago
+3Vote up
Apollonia · 128 weeks ago
I don't think we have Quakers in Australia which makes me really sad because I'd like to check out a meeting. Silent communal reflection sounds pretty great, I have to say.
2 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+3Vote up
bucklemeswash · 128 weeks ago
What a lovely piece. I'm sorry to say I knew nothing at all about Quakers (to the point of naively assuming the oats *were* related to them), and am so glad to read about something so new to me!
+4Vote up
redheadedwolf · 128 weeks ago
Quakerism sounds amazing. Is there a map of meeting houses, or a way to find the closest one to you? And are visitors usually welcome?
The main thing i learned about Quakers in all my childhood reading (which involved a lot of older literature) was that they used thee and thou. Does anyone know when that died out, or do some places still use that language?
5 replies · active 128 weeks ago
+6Vote up
thatjillgirl · 128 weeks ago
"The comments and “encouragement” I saw in cards and Facebook posts were horrifying. “Can you imagine how much worse it could have been if God wasn’t watching over you?” “Satan tries his hardest to knock us down, but we have to get right back up!”"
Uggggghhhhh! I HATE those kinds of "encouraging" comments. I know they come from a place of good intentions, and I know some Christians (and maybe members of other faith traditions) don't know how to do faith without Calvinism and similar "God was/wasn't watching you" lines of thinking. But it really can be so discouraging and hurtful and just make you angry at God when people keep insisting in so many words that something terrible happened in your life because God wanted it that way. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you found a faith tradition you feel at home with.
0Vote up
Josie White · 127 weeks ago
The first time I went to a Quaker meeting, I worried that I wouldn't be welcome or worse (for me), I would be "too welcome". My fears were quickly allayed. I felt comfortable right away. Everyone was welcoming without being overbearing. One thing I was told and that I find to be very true is that it can be very hard work to be Quaker. There is no creed, so all the work in determining truth is up to the individual. It is both liberating and exhausting!
1 reply · active 102 weeks ago
