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If the Buddha Dated -A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path
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praise for if the buddha dated
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If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path
Charlotte Kasl
4.12
2,688 ratings253 reviews
In this practical, playful, yet spiritual guide, Charlotte Kasl, author of the highly successful Finding Joy: 101 Ways to Free Your Spirit and Dance with Life, shows you what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide you through the dating process.
Kasl brings a compassionate understanding to the anxiety and uneasiness of new love, and helps readers discover their potential for vibrant human connection based on awareness, kindness, and honesty.
She approaches the dating process as a means for awakening, reminding us that when we live by spiritual rules, we bring curiosity and a light heart to the romantic journey.
Filled with quotations from Zen, Sufi, and other wisdom traditions, and informed by the experiences of people from all walks of life, here is a relationship book that will appeal to readers looking for more than a Venus-meets-Mars solution to the complex affairs of the heart.
212 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1999
Published 1999 by Penguin Group
Kindle EditionPenguin Books1999
ebookPenguin Group1999
PaperbackAltamira
Audio CDTantor Media2010
Audio CDTantor Media2010
Show all 18 editions
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419 people are currently reading
3,063 people want to read
About the author
Charlotte Kasl19 books66 followers
====
Displaying 1 - 10 of 252 reviews
Michelle
111 reviews7 followers
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April 5, 2012
212 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1999
Published 1999 by Penguin Group
Kindle EditionPenguin Books1999
ebookPenguin Group1999
PaperbackAltamira
Audio CDTantor Media2010
Audio CDTantor Media2010
Show all 18 editions
More information
Book statistics
Fewer details
419 people are currently reading
3,063 people want to read
About the author
Charlotte Kasl19 books66 followers
====
Displaying 1 - 10 of 252 reviews
Michelle
111 reviews7 followers
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April 5, 2012
What an appropriate book at this point in my life. After many failed romances and at the tender age of 22, I was starting to become a little cynical. This book redirected me to a healthier and more loving place--a place where I learn to love and respect myself before getting involved with anyone else.
Yes, the urge to feel loved and have romance in my life is still there but now I look at it with different eyes--now I ask myself, what is this loneliness signaling?
Am I loving and nurturing myself fully right now?
I am learning, albeit slowly, how to soothe my own anxieties and tenderly love myself without resorting to dating.
It's a tough journey, especially for someone admittedly has a "dating addiction" but this book has surely helped a lot.
Kasl, an incredibly fascinating woman, begins with a little background on Buddhism and reminding the reader of the 4 noble truths:
Kasl, an incredibly fascinating woman, begins with a little background on Buddhism and reminding the reader of the 4 noble truths:
suffering is inherent to life,
we create our suffering through attachments and demands that things be different than they are,
we can ease our suffering by ceasing our endless demands and accepting the what is of life, and
the last truth which is: through complete acceptance of the what is in life and recognizing the superficial desires we harbor, we learn to live in peace and love.
With this in mind, we can contemplate on how we push our agendas on the world and, subsequently, other people (including and especially our love interests) Admittedly, I struggle with this constantly (and it was very apparent in my most recent relationships) so it definitely hit home and called for some self-reflection.
In addition, Kasl discusses how anxiety is inherent in most relationships because they resurrect the feelings of attachment we had with our mother or primary caregiver. We were once completely merged with our mother and, unconsciously, we still desire that feeling of complete and utter connection. We want someone to take care of us, soothe us, comfort us. But we are adults now. Therein lies the problem.
In addition, Kasl discusses how anxiety is inherent in most relationships because they resurrect the feelings of attachment we had with our mother or primary caregiver. We were once completely merged with our mother and, unconsciously, we still desire that feeling of complete and utter connection. We want someone to take care of us, soothe us, comfort us. But we are adults now. Therein lies the problem.
She reminds us that this trap is easy to fall into, especially when first starting a relationship. Kasl is adamant about this fact--that we need to be happy with ourselves and be okay with letting a relationship end, if it does.
Our ego tricks us into getting into a state of panic at the possibility of loss but if we relax and realize that this is just a moment in life and that people will always come and go (and that we will continue to live) we will be happier and appreciative of the learning experiences that come with each relationship.
Throughout the book, Kasl always mentions how the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves and how if we learn to fully love and accept every aspect of ourselves, we will be tremendously happy, in or out of a relationship :)
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37 likes
Steph
482 reviews249 followers
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September 15, 2022
i was a little hesitant to read this because it feels somewhat sus for (white) authors to profit off of buddhism as a self-helpy trend. (kasl was a psychologist, and wrote several books that apply buddhist ideologies to various areas of life) and i would like to explore any criticism or discourse about the representation of buddhism here... but ideally books like this can make buddhist thought more accessible to folks who don't know much about it.
anyway. the book doesn't delve deeply enough into either buddhism or relationship psychology to make me feel like i have a firm understanding of anything new, but it is filled with many small and comforting nuggets of wisdom. and kasl does focus on some inner child stuff, which i definitely appreciate.
the short chapters each focus on an idea or stage of dating or relationships. many of these don't apply to me at the moment, but i could see value in returning to the book later. maybe it'd be helpful to revisit key chapters whenever you need a new perspective on a particular topic you're experiencing in your life. different wisdoms for different phases.
the book is often dated (as it was published in 1999! kasl mentions a coming out workshop led by chaz bono and uses his deadname, and talks about the trend of telephone dating services. it's an interesting blast from the past). but kasl, then in her 60s, was openly bisexual and seems like she was a pretty cool lady. i enjoyed the personal stories she weaves into the book.
one of the main themes here is that we must treat ourselves and our partners with respect and care, and approach life with an attitude of openness and curiosity. everything is ephemeral, but by seeking understanding and embracing change, we can live life more fully and be more present.
other messages of note:
‣ it's our attachments and expectations that cause us suffering. becoming mindful of these can help us to eventually be free of them, and to enjoy the good things that we do have. "All transformation starts with awareness."
‣ compassion is sacred. "When you say good-bye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn't leave a scar."
‣ "When we don't find meaning in life, we seek stimulation instead."
‣"If you want something to happen, help it happen (...) People who get results are usually excellent at making specific requests bolstered by self-confidence. They enjoy stretching their limits and experimenting. They also believe they deserve what they are asking for."
Throughout the book, Kasl always mentions how the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves and how if we learn to fully love and accept every aspect of ourselves, we will be tremendously happy, in or out of a relationship :)
philosophy psychology read-in-2012
...more
37 likes
Steph
482 reviews249 followers
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September 15, 2022
i was a little hesitant to read this because it feels somewhat sus for (white) authors to profit off of buddhism as a self-helpy trend. (kasl was a psychologist, and wrote several books that apply buddhist ideologies to various areas of life) and i would like to explore any criticism or discourse about the representation of buddhism here... but ideally books like this can make buddhist thought more accessible to folks who don't know much about it.
anyway. the book doesn't delve deeply enough into either buddhism or relationship psychology to make me feel like i have a firm understanding of anything new, but it is filled with many small and comforting nuggets of wisdom. and kasl does focus on some inner child stuff, which i definitely appreciate.
the short chapters each focus on an idea or stage of dating or relationships. many of these don't apply to me at the moment, but i could see value in returning to the book later. maybe it'd be helpful to revisit key chapters whenever you need a new perspective on a particular topic you're experiencing in your life. different wisdoms for different phases.
the book is often dated (as it was published in 1999! kasl mentions a coming out workshop led by chaz bono and uses his deadname, and talks about the trend of telephone dating services. it's an interesting blast from the past). but kasl, then in her 60s, was openly bisexual and seems like she was a pretty cool lady. i enjoyed the personal stories she weaves into the book.
one of the main themes here is that we must treat ourselves and our partners with respect and care, and approach life with an attitude of openness and curiosity. everything is ephemeral, but by seeking understanding and embracing change, we can live life more fully and be more present.
other messages of note:
‣ it's our attachments and expectations that cause us suffering. becoming mindful of these can help us to eventually be free of them, and to enjoy the good things that we do have. "All transformation starts with awareness."
‣ compassion is sacred. "When you say good-bye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn't leave a scar."
‣ "When we don't find meaning in life, we seek stimulation instead."
‣"If you want something to happen, help it happen (...) People who get results are usually excellent at making specific requests bolstered by self-confidence. They enjoy stretching their limits and experimenting. They also believe they deserve what they are asking for."
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13 likes
John
29 reviews3 followers
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June 20, 2012
A practical and thoughtful dialogue. This book has somewhat hard to swallow advice that may change your life. It is informed by various spiritual traditions, and places the emphasis of relationships toward a questioned approach. What it is that you and your partner need. What can you do to open yourself up to finding someone. Who are you? What have you not accepted in the past, what does your intuition tell you about where you are right now.
It was also helpful for me even though my focus is more on jobs and finding work. Some exercise were fun too like writing a personal ad based on your who you really are. ie: "Often late, forgetful m looking for slender wf to make himself feel better about life." haha, so true for many men including myself. Not something I try to be, but something that society tells us will give us control or power or happiness.
It also got you to write out what you really felt was your essence and how a partner could inform that, and how you could come to terms with growing within those conditions
Mostly th I think the most important lesson is that is one of the noble truths taught in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions is that attachment leads to suffering. This book is a good way to gently guide us to exist with those emotions.
To stay with fear, to stick with it.
10 likes
Hannah
10 reviews6 followers
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July 20, 2014
Okay, so, in all honestly, I'm really embarrassed to admit I read this book.
If there are two topics of public conversation that make me squirmy it's love and spirituality.
And god forbid someone see me standing anywhere near the self-help section of a bookstore. But, hey, a close, trusted friend recommended that I read this book and I'm really glad she did.
It's not particularly well-written and - I say this with utter seriousness - the whimsical font-design choices really almost made me give up before I even started.
But I was curious! I guess this is the part where I have to admit that I am newly in love and that, despite all the reasons to feel only so-so about this book, it was really great for critical self-examination and honest reflection. This book gave me the tools to do the kind of work I was trying to do by myself.
Reading this book and taking it to heart years ago would have saved me from a great deal of stress, aggravation, anxiety, and wasted time; but reading it now was a pleasant confirmation that I'm on the right track in my own development as a person and romantic partner.
I found it to be a helpful catalyst for assessing my romantic situation honestly. I would never presume to call myself a Buddhist; however, I found Buddhist philosophy to be a useful lens through which to view and evaluate love.
It was difficult for me to relate wholeheartedly to the concept of being "on a spiritual path," as well as some of the more woo-woo ideas about assessing compatibility (astrological charts, handwriting analysis), but I took much more from this book than I put into it, so in that regard it is a success.
I would recommend this book to anyone in pursuit of love/commitment (including, or rather ESPECIALLY those pursuing a higher degree of self-love) and willing to engage with difficult questions. It's hard to face yourself full-on, and for me, even harder to admit it, but it's important work and this book was an accessible way to get there.
9 likes
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Geordie Korper
56 reviews1 follower
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January 1, 2013
When the student is ready the teacher will appear. Thanks Kris for giving me this book all those years ago when I put it on the shelf unread.
There came a moment in my life where I needed to remember how to be authentically committed to a person without being attached to a specific result; to be in the moment with my commitments but no expectations. This book was sitting there on my shelf and gave me a little insight into how that might be possible.
It is not a perfect book but then what book is? It really isn't all that buddhist for example. Also there are a few examples where the author clearly missed the point. It is not enough to breathe in suffering and breathe out love and compassion. Sometimes you need to get off your effing butt and tend to the wounded.
That being said it's a fast read any you might get some value out of it if you are willing to keep what is worth keeping and blow the rest away.
Oh, the comfort --
The inexpressible comfort of feeling
safe with a person,
Having neither to weigh thoughts,
Nor measure words -- but pouring them
All right out -- just as they are --
Chaff and grain together --
Certain that a faithful hand will
Take and sift them --
Keep what is worth keeping --
and with the breath of kindness
Blow the rest away.
8 likes
1 comment
Sylwia
1,132 reviews27 followers
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June 27, 2015
9 likes
1 comment
Geordie Korper
56 reviews1 follower
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January 1, 2013
When the student is ready the teacher will appear. Thanks Kris for giving me this book all those years ago when I put it on the shelf unread.
There came a moment in my life where I needed to remember how to be authentically committed to a person without being attached to a specific result; to be in the moment with my commitments but no expectations. This book was sitting there on my shelf and gave me a little insight into how that might be possible.
It is not a perfect book but then what book is? It really isn't all that buddhist for example. Also there are a few examples where the author clearly missed the point. It is not enough to breathe in suffering and breathe out love and compassion. Sometimes you need to get off your effing butt and tend to the wounded.
That being said it's a fast read any you might get some value out of it if you are willing to keep what is worth keeping and blow the rest away.
Oh, the comfort --
The inexpressible comfort of feeling
safe with a person,
Having neither to weigh thoughts,
Nor measure words -- but pouring them
All right out -- just as they are --
Chaff and grain together --
Certain that a faithful hand will
Take and sift them --
Keep what is worth keeping --
and with the breath of kindness
Blow the rest away.
8 likes
1 comment
Sylwia
1,132 reviews27 followers
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June 27, 2015
One of my main criterion for reviewing a book is to assess how much it has taught me. For that, this book deserves many more than five stars, it deserves one for each chapter. This book clearly respects and honors love and it does it through various mentally healthy-spiritual-psychological lenses.
I cried many times reading it and I feel that it has changed me. Sometimes I spend an entire day remembering a chapter. I cannot recommend this enough, to both singles and nonsingles.
책을 리뷰하는 주요 기준 중 하나는 책이 나에게 얼마나 많은 것을 가르쳐 주었는지 평가하는 것입니다. 그런 점에서 이 책은 별 다섯 개 이상을 받을 자격이 있습니다. 각 장마다 별 하나를 받을 자격이 있습니다. 이 책은 분명히 사랑을 존중하며 다양한 정신적-영성적-심리적 렌즈를 통해 사랑을 다룹니다. 나는 이 책을 읽고 여러 번 울었고 책은 나를 변화시킨 것 같습니다. 때때로 나는 한 챕터를 생각하면서 하루 종일을 보낸다. 독신과 비독신 모두에게 이것을 아무리 추천해도 모자랄 것 같습니다.
책을 리뷰하는 주요 기준 중 하나는 책이 나에게 얼마나 많은 것을 가르쳐 주었는지 평가하는 것입니다. 그런 점에서 이 책은 별 다섯 개 이상을 받을 자격이 있습니다. 각 장마다 별 하나를 받을 자격이 있습니다. 이 책은 분명히 사랑을 존중하며 다양한 정신적-영성적-심리적 렌즈를 통해 사랑을 다룹니다. 나는 이 책을 읽고 여러 번 울었고 책은 나를 변화시킨 것 같습니다. 때때로 나는 한 챕터를 생각하면서 하루 종일을 보낸다. 독신과 비독신 모두에게 이것을 아무리 추천해도 모자랄 것 같습니다.
I read this book every few years, usually around the time I think I'm ready for another relationship. Every time I do, I'm reminded that the relationship I'm really craving is with myself, and the All-That-Is. In other words, this is a sweet little book about traveling the Path, whether or not the Path takes you alongside someone else's Path.
If it does, there are a number of lovely little essays and tools that may help you avert the crazy pitfalls you generally hit in (or out of) relationship; if not, there's plenty of good, comforting, soul-satisfying material to keep you happily moving forward on your own.
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Alex
185 reviews14 followers
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September 10, 2012
This book caught my eye on the shelf at an interesting time: an intriguing character had just entered my life and then left just as quickly, after entrancing me with his spirituality and shocking me with his dismissal and disappearance. A truly inspiring conversation with this person led me to consider an approach to life that welcomes the present moment and opens myself to the possibilities around me for love — in essence, the message of If the Buddha Dated.
One thing that made the material in Kasl's "handbook" hard to digest was the unclear structure and a lack of relatable examples. She elaborates on the experiences of many couples and individuals, but their realism doesn't truly resonate with the reader, because the characters, as it were, are so far removed from us. This was, at least, my opinion. As such, many of the examples were forgettable, but the main takeaway for me had several levels: 1) love will be ready for you when you are ready for it; 2) refuting expectations in life is difficult but necessary for fulfillment; and 3) the principles of Buddhism and Sufism appeal to me very much, spiritually.
If the Buddha Dated was an excellent gateway to spiritual thought for me, and I think it has started me down a meaningful new path.
2012
5 likes
Sydney Stuberg
17 reviews2 followers
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October 18, 2020
Not enough people openly discuss the relationship they have with themselves or with their partners even though both are incredibly influential on our lives and well-being. This book is excellent for self reflection and understanding your deepest desires as an individual as well as going into a spiritual understanding of your upbringing and letting go of habits that no longer serve you. Everyone can learn something from this whether single, in a relationship, spiritual, or not. Will definitely be going back to reference this at a later date.
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Melissa
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June 19, 2009
This book is very enjoyable and supremely helpful to everyone I've known who's read it. It was highly recommended to me by a good friend about two years ago. I am about to read it again, for the third time! If you want to be open and honest with life and others, able to love them by first loving all parts of yourself and live compassionately, this book's for you! I promise it will help you to release some of your fears, false perceptions and worries. It really is so good as to make you want to read it over an over again. There is another one by Kasl (many) called: If the Buddha Married but I am confident that this book is extremely practical and helpful to human beings, male or female, married or unmarried. Enjoy!! Pass it on . . .
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 252 reviews
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