The Four Things That Matter Most - 10th Anniversary Edition: A Book About Living
by Ira Byock M.D. (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 432 ratings
“This beautiful book, full of wisdom and warmth, teaches us how to protect and preserve our most valuable possessions—the relationships with those we love. It shows that the things that matter definitely aren’t ‘things,’ and how to empower your life in the right direction.” —Dr. Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Four simple phrases—“Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you”—carry enormous power to mend and nurture our relationships and inner lives. These four phrases and the sentiments they convey provide a path to emotional wellbeing, guiding us through interpersonal difficulties to life with integrity and grace.
Newly updated with stories from people who have turned to this life-altering book in their time of need, this motivational teaching about what really matters reminds us how we can honor each relationship every day.
Dr. Ira Byock, an international leader in palliative care, explains how we can practice these life-affirming words in our day-to-day lives. Too often we assume that the people we love really know that we love them. Dr. Byock demonstrates the value of “stating the obvious” and provides practical insights into the benefits of letting go of old grudges and toxic emotions. His stories help us to forgive, appreciate, love, and celebrate one another and live life more fully.
Using the Four Things in a wide range of life situations, we can experience emotional healing even in the wake of family strife, personal tragedy, divorce, or in the face of death. With practical wisdom and spiritual power, The Four Things That Matter Most gives us the language and guidance to honor and experience what really matters most in our lives every day.
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Review
Caroline Myss Author of Sacred Contracts, Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, and Anatomy of the Spirit The Four Things That Matter Most is a book of commonsense wisdom that has the power to dynamically change your life. It is a pleasure to recommend a book that encourages you to transform the quality of your life in simple ways that actually work.
Maggie Callanan Coauthor of Final Gifts A tender read I highly recommend. The Four Things That Matter Most offers simple but solid solutions for healing our complex and fragile relationships -- wisdom that will surely enrich our lives.
Larry Dossey, M.D. Author of Healing Beyond the Body, Reinventing Medicine, and Healing Words For anyone who believes that years of therapy are required for transforming relationships with others, this book will come as a pleasant surprise. Great wisdom has always been simple -- that is why it is elusive -- and great wisdom is what this book contains.
Joan Halifax, Ph.D. Author, Buddhist teacher, anthropologist, founder and director of Ojai Foundation, and founder, Upaya Foundation Ira Byock's compassionate and important work in the field of dying has given him the four great treasures of love and freedom that all of us can use throughout our life. This wonderful book opens the doors to these jewels of compassion.
Zorba Paster, M.D. Author of The Longevity Code, host of public radio's Zorba Paster on Your Health, and host of the public television special How to Live a Long, Sweet Life The Four Things That Matter Most provides simple, insightful words and stories that move the heart and the soul. Dr. Byock shows us a graceful way to nurture relationships and heal those that need mending.
"This beautiful book, full of wisdom and warmth, teaches us how to protect and preserve our most valuable possessions--the relationships with those we love. It shows that the things that matter definitely aren’t ‘things,’ and how to empower your life in the right direction." -- Dr. Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
About the Author
Ira Byock, MD, is a leading palliative care physician, author, and public advocate for improving care through the end of life. His research and writing have helped to define quality of life and quality of care for people living with advanced medical conditions. He has been involved in hospice and palliative care since 1978 and is a founding member and past president of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine. From 1996 through 2006, he served as Director for Promoting Excellence in End-of-Life Care, a national grant program of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.
Dr. Byock is Chief Medical Officer of the Institute for Human Caring of Providence Health and Services system. From 2003 through July 2013 he directed the palliative care program at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon, New Hampshire. Dr. Byock is a Professor of Medicine and Community & Family Medicine at the Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth.
More information is available at IraByock.org.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
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From other countries
Carole Duff
5.0 out of 5 stars The healing power of twelve words
Reviewed in the United States on 5 July 2023
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"Please forgive me", "I forgive you", "Thank you", "I love you"—the four things that matter, especially before we say “goodbye” at the end of life. As a palliative care expert, Dr. Byock has seen the healing power of these words many times. “The specter of death reveals our relationships to be our most precious possessions,” he states. Through a variety case studies, Byock shows his readers just how powerful those twelve words can be, if we say them. “Life presents us with a choice: we can choose to protect ourselves from emotional pain—or we can acknowledge our vulnerability and open ourselves to the loss that love will ultimately entail.” This choice is key to the blessing we say at parting in church: “God be with you.”
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becca
5.0 out of 5 stars In good shape.
Reviewed in the United States on 10 April 2023
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It was in great shape.
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Jen Story
5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Book!
Reviewed in the United States on 21 November 2022
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This is the best book I’ve read since I read the Holy Bible. There is something for everyone.
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars So grateful I came accross this book
Reviewed in the United States on 7 December 2013
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I wish to thank Ira Byock for writing this book and sharing with us his experience, his humanity. Dr Byock's writing shows a humility that I admire. Reading this book constitutes for me an important step on my journey. By practicing the Four Things, by earnestly and honestly asking for forgiveness, by truly forgiving without seeking reward, by expressing gratefulness and loving as unconditionally as my human limitations allow me to, I hope 'to become the change I want to see in the world'. At this stage of my life (loss of my mother, rapidly ageing father, mother-in-law diagnosed with terminal illness, recently blessed with two grand-children), this book fills me with hope, joy, acceptance and love of life. This imminently spiritual book is helping me in letting obstacles such as resentment, anger, fear, shame, guilt, remorse, and all their relatives too numerous to list here fall away, leaving in their stead a vast openness for profound gratefulness and serenity. I think this is what some of us would call happiness.
Thank you Dr Byock.
For the readers who are actively on a path to spirituality and are touched by Dr Byock's writing, I would strongly recommend the recent book "Dying to be me - my journey from cancer to near death to true healing" by Anita Moorjani.
6 people found this helpful
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IShopAlotonAmazon
5.0 out of 5 stars Gave me better perspective!
Reviewed in the United States on 22 May 2019
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This was one of the early books I started reading on my journey to find out how to live life a better way. I only knew what I had seen growing up and I wanted something better, something happier and more loving but I didn't know how to get there on my own.
This book is so basic yet so powerful at the same time. Sometimes it really is the little things that end up being the biggest things.
This books helped give me perspective and fueled me to continue on my happiness journey. I have ready many more books since this one but it's so interesting to look back and know how everything started. I highly recommend you read this book, sometime when you are not distracted and can give it your full attention. You'll be glad you did.
13 people found this helpful
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Mary Jean Christian
5.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful!
Reviewed in the United States on 28 December 2012
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A really nice book that is helpful for virtually anyone, even though it is dealing primarily with people who are facing death - their own, or that of a loved one. It boils things down nicely. I bought it for my Dad who is in Hospice, but he is old school, and had no interest in it. Recently I discovered that an estranged friend has end stage cancer. I wanted to write a letter, but kept stalling out. My sister had just returned this book after borrowing it, and when I browsed Chapter One again, it inspired me with the format for my letter. Writing that letter using this book helped me with closure, but also, I was surprised at how it helped me to process a lot of feelings I had buried. This book helped me understand all my feelings about my friend, and to find a peaceful place to settle in with what our relationship was and wasn't, and to be okay with all of it.
6 people found this helpful
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Mike
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful book not just for those in the dying process or their families but for all of us.
Reviewed in the United States on 8 December 2021
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Reminds all of us what are some of the most important things to do while we are alive and engaged with our loved ones. I have given it to some of my therapy clients at my practice.
2 people found this helpful
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Judith H.
5.0 out of 5 stars Eleven Life Changing Words
Reviewed in the United States on 13 August 2012
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Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
I love you.
Thank you.
What is the connection between these simple statements and profound moments of grace? I didn't understand it myself until reading "The Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living." The author is Dr. Ira Byock, a physician who focuses on end-of-life care for his patients and their families. As he recounts their personal stories, you'll shake your head with wonder as damaged relationships are transformed and healing takes place when none seemed possible. The message though, is not to withhold these words until the end, but to consciously integrate them into our daily lives.
Fair warning - you'll probably cry while reading this book and, if you're like me, it will tap into regrets long since tucked away. Yet, with it comes a sense of hope that all is not lost. That there is still time to let go of old hurts and say the things that matter most - not just for the benefit of those we love, but for ourselves.
19 people found this helpful
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Janet Fish
5.0 out of 5 stars Very comforting
Reviewed in the United States on 24 March 2013
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This book is well written and very comforting. It is enlightening. I have his book "Dying Well" too. I read that years ago and am reading that book again too. He gives examples of the end stage of life and how to approach it well, and how to be supportive of someone in their last weeks and days.
His stories are quite moving. His writing has helped me in the past and is helping me right now. I cannot express how much I appreciate these books. They help round out life in beautiful ways.
In explaining the four things that mean the most, he is helping families come together in the hardest of times and helping people face things that our society hides and ignores. There can be beauty in a person's last days.
I highly recommend this book "The Four Things that Matter Most" and "Dying Well" by the same author.
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Clyde Beury
5.0 out of 5 stars Four simple phrases that pave the road to healing.
Reviewed in the United States on 27 February 2015
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When I retired I had a rule that if I took a book out of the public library 3 times then I would consider buying it. After reading this book once I knew that it was a keeper and one that I wanted to own, underline and write in the margins. Dr. Byock has worked in a hospice care facility and drew on his experience with both patients and their families in his writing of this very readable and practical book. I am using tis book in a class that I tech with adult learners and they have unanimously endorsed this a a book they enjoyed reading and are starting to use in working with their families to repair and rebuilt damaged relationships. For anyone who believes that dysfunctional family is a redundant phrase this book is an essential read before setting out on the road to peace and wholeness.
20 people found this helpful
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