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Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
Audible Audiobook – UnabridgedThe Arbinger Institute (Author), & 2 more
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 6 hours and 1 minute
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
Audible.com Release Date: September 12, 2018
Top Reviews
My Two Cents
3.0 out of 5 starsPresents Simple Concepts in an Overly Complicated WayOctober 8, 2017
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
This book presents simple concepts in an overly complicated and convoluted way that may leaver the reader wondering, “Exactly what are they saying here?” When all the sand is swept away, the pearl of wisdom that remains is this idea:
if you behave like an insensitive jerk, you will view others as objects, not people, and blame them for the problems possibly caused by your behavior, and will not realize how your actions are contributing to the problem.
The solution is to be a thoughtful, considerate person who values the thoughts, feelings and opinions of others and does not run roughshod over them. If you are not sure if you are a jerk, look at your relationships with others. If you have widespread conflict in different areas of your lives: work, family, and friends, then you are probably acting like a jerk.
If you have scattered conflicts from time to time with a few individuals, then chances are those people are the problem. The book does have an interesting anecdote about a man who is woken by his crying baby, and then lies there hoping his wife will address the baby’s needs, and when she doesn’t, he starts blaming her for being lazy and inconsiderate.
The audience for the book appears to be hard charging executives who run roughshod over their subordinates and families. While most of the book points out the problems of how being in the box, as the term is used in the book, it does not really offer any details on how to change behavior. Instead it points people toward the sequel entitled “The Anatomy of Peace.” The ideas in this book are covered in a clear and direct way in the book “The Servant: A Simple Story about the True Essence of Leadership” by James C. Hunter. Both books are written using a fictional business executive who is having difficulties in his work and personal life, and through training by an enlightened person, realizes his problems and reforms his ways. While story is a useful way of delivering these concepts, I would like to see real-world examples of actual people who have been transformed by these realizations.
66 people found this helpful
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Voracious Reader
1.0 out of 5 starsNot a good use of your time.August 26, 2018
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Perhaps you like the fictional story self-help book, where the author makes up a person, a company, and situations, and then uses this fiction to deliver a message. Personally, I don't like this style. First, it's entirely made up, so there's no fact or experience to base any conclusions on, it's entirely a work of fiction. Second, it's painfully badly written, the examples are incredibly overdone, the people quite clueless. Third, it's done to hide the lack of information in the book. By turning it into a story, it helps hide how little information is actually there. The information in this book could be expressed in a single chapter, maybe even a single page.
Large consulting companies write throw away books like this for their seminars and to gain credibility for their consulting practices. That's why there is no author on the book, just "Arbinger Institute". Don't be fooled by the sales numbers, they probably all come from seminars they put on, that include the book in the price.
Save your time.
32 people found this helpful
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Robert D. Hodge
5.0 out of 5 starsA great way to bring up and work through a difficult subjectJune 17, 2017
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
As an executive coach, I use books as neutral way to get a person to think things through more deeply. Self-deception is a tough subject. It is not the role of a coach to make such judgments, yet it may be appropriate to provide material to challenge a person.
This book was recommended to me by a fellow who was seriously self-deceptive. He and I have since recommended it to many others.
Unlike many unlikable books that dwell too much on story more than bullet points, I found myself engrossed in this story. Living it out with the author over several days, maybe weeks of reading, helped bring it to life.
This is a pretty gentle way to bring up and work through a very hard subject. Read it for yourself first. Change yourself before trying to change somebody else.
20 people found this helpful
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John W. Pearson
VINE VOICE
5.0 out of 5 starsConvictingApril 17, 2018
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Maybe…this might be my most important book recommendation for you this year.
The title…timely. The contents…convicting.
Last week, while reflecting on issues of leadership character and humility, I found not one, but two copies on my bookshelf of “Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box.” I had never read the book (to my chagrin).
So my wife read it first this weekend—and her praise was effusive. Then I read it. (Am I the only leader that missed this gem?) I should have read it years ago (and my former staff and family would agree). If you haven’t read the book—or leveraged the insights for your organization or family—drop everything and read “Leadership and Self-Deception.”
The audience for the book appears to be hard charging executives who run roughshod over their subordinates and families. While most of the book points out the problems of how being in the box, as the term is used in the book, it does not really offer any details on how to change behavior. Instead it points people toward the sequel entitled “The Anatomy of Peace.” The ideas in this book are covered in a clear and direct way in the book “The Servant: A Simple Story about the True Essence of Leadership” by James C. Hunter. Both books are written using a fictional business executive who is having difficulties in his work and personal life, and through training by an enlightened person, realizes his problems and reforms his ways. While story is a useful way of delivering these concepts, I would like to see real-world examples of actual people who have been transformed by these realizations.
66 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
Voracious Reader
1.0 out of 5 starsNot a good use of your time.August 26, 2018
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Perhaps you like the fictional story self-help book, where the author makes up a person, a company, and situations, and then uses this fiction to deliver a message. Personally, I don't like this style. First, it's entirely made up, so there's no fact or experience to base any conclusions on, it's entirely a work of fiction. Second, it's painfully badly written, the examples are incredibly overdone, the people quite clueless. Third, it's done to hide the lack of information in the book. By turning it into a story, it helps hide how little information is actually there. The information in this book could be expressed in a single chapter, maybe even a single page.
Large consulting companies write throw away books like this for their seminars and to gain credibility for their consulting practices. That's why there is no author on the book, just "Arbinger Institute". Don't be fooled by the sales numbers, they probably all come from seminars they put on, that include the book in the price.
Save your time.
32 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
Robert D. Hodge
5.0 out of 5 starsA great way to bring up and work through a difficult subjectJune 17, 2017
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
As an executive coach, I use books as neutral way to get a person to think things through more deeply. Self-deception is a tough subject. It is not the role of a coach to make such judgments, yet it may be appropriate to provide material to challenge a person.
This book was recommended to me by a fellow who was seriously self-deceptive. He and I have since recommended it to many others.
Unlike many unlikable books that dwell too much on story more than bullet points, I found myself engrossed in this story. Living it out with the author over several days, maybe weeks of reading, helped bring it to life.
This is a pretty gentle way to bring up and work through a very hard subject. Read it for yourself first. Change yourself before trying to change somebody else.
20 people found this helpful
HelpfulComment Report abuse
John W. Pearson
VINE VOICE
5.0 out of 5 starsConvictingApril 17, 2018
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
Maybe…this might be my most important book recommendation for you this year.
The title…timely. The contents…convicting.
Last week, while reflecting on issues of leadership character and humility, I found not one, but two copies on my bookshelf of “Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box.” I had never read the book (to my chagrin).
So my wife read it first this weekend—and her praise was effusive. Then I read it. (Am I the only leader that missed this gem?) I should have read it years ago (and my former staff and family would agree). If you haven’t read the book—or leveraged the insights for your organization or family—drop everything and read “Leadership and Self-Deception.”
Here’s why:
REASON #1: SELF-DECEPTION IS RAMPANT. You don’t need this book to recognize how other leaders are blind to their own self-deception—but it will give you handles (and a practical metaphor) for understanding the blindness.
REASON #2: I AM BLIND TO MY OWN BLINDNESS. Whew. (Did I mention “convicting” and serious gut-checking?) While trying to figure out the sin and self-deception in other leaders, I wondered, how did the authors insert mirrors on every convicting page?
In Scott Rodin’s book, “The Steward Leader,” he reminds us, “If I could put one Bible verse on the desk of every pastor and every Christian leader in the world, it would be this: ‘If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us’ (1 John 1:8).”
REASON #3: THE “BOX” METAPHOR. Powerful. Trust me—read and study this book with your team (and family) and you’ll be using the “box” metaphor within an hour. The second edition of “Leadership and Self-Deception” includes a short section on how to maximize the book’s impact. The authors list stunning (stunning!) examples of how the principles have transformed organizations (nonprofit and for-profit) and even police departments. In Japan, a word-of-mouth movement has launched “out-of-the-box” clubs.
The business novel/fable/story format makes for an easy read (about three hours) with memorable characters, but—warning—it’s not a comfortable read.
REASON #4: FAITH-BASED ALIGNMENT. While the principles of Leadership and Self-Deception are not faith-based per se—they actually are. For readers who are Christ-followers, you’ll salivate at the opportunity to integrate “Leadership and Self-Deception” with biblical wisdom.
And speaking of alignment, you’ll appreciate how “Leadership and Self-Deception” enhances the insights, especially, of many other books I’ve reviewed, including The Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are you? The Advantage, Leaders Eat Last, Broken and Whole, Leading Me, Serve Strong, and What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There (to name just a few).
REASON #5: REFRESHING HUMILITY—NO AUTHOR NAMES! Really! Published by The Arbinger Institute, these leaders practice what they preach—and share the credit for this book with all of their team members, including non-writers. Hence—author names are not revealed. (And note: the book has sold over one million copies.)
So, could this book help you and your leadership team? Yes! From the authors: “…the myriad ways in which people have used this book and its ideas fall within five broad areas of application: “1) applicant screening and hiring, 2) leadership and team building, 3) conflict resolution, 4) accountability transformation, and 5) personal growth and development.”
11 people found this helpful
REASON #1: SELF-DECEPTION IS RAMPANT. You don’t need this book to recognize how other leaders are blind to their own self-deception—but it will give you handles (and a practical metaphor) for understanding the blindness.
REASON #2: I AM BLIND TO MY OWN BLINDNESS. Whew. (Did I mention “convicting” and serious gut-checking?) While trying to figure out the sin and self-deception in other leaders, I wondered, how did the authors insert mirrors on every convicting page?
In Scott Rodin’s book, “The Steward Leader,” he reminds us, “If I could put one Bible verse on the desk of every pastor and every Christian leader in the world, it would be this: ‘If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us’ (1 John 1:8).”
REASON #3: THE “BOX” METAPHOR. Powerful. Trust me—read and study this book with your team (and family) and you’ll be using the “box” metaphor within an hour. The second edition of “Leadership and Self-Deception” includes a short section on how to maximize the book’s impact. The authors list stunning (stunning!) examples of how the principles have transformed organizations (nonprofit and for-profit) and even police departments. In Japan, a word-of-mouth movement has launched “out-of-the-box” clubs.
The business novel/fable/story format makes for an easy read (about three hours) with memorable characters, but—warning—it’s not a comfortable read.
REASON #4: FAITH-BASED ALIGNMENT. While the principles of Leadership and Self-Deception are not faith-based per se—they actually are. For readers who are Christ-followers, you’ll salivate at the opportunity to integrate “Leadership and Self-Deception” with biblical wisdom.
And speaking of alignment, you’ll appreciate how “Leadership and Self-Deception” enhances the insights, especially, of many other books I’ve reviewed, including The Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are you? The Advantage, Leaders Eat Last, Broken and Whole, Leading Me, Serve Strong, and What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There (to name just a few).
REASON #5: REFRESHING HUMILITY—NO AUTHOR NAMES! Really! Published by The Arbinger Institute, these leaders practice what they preach—and share the credit for this book with all of their team members, including non-writers. Hence—author names are not revealed. (And note: the book has sold over one million copies.)
So, could this book help you and your leadership team? Yes! From the authors: “…the myriad ways in which people have used this book and its ideas fall within five broad areas of application: “1) applicant screening and hiring, 2) leadership and team building, 3) conflict resolution, 4) accountability transformation, and 5) personal growth and development.”
11 people found this helpful
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Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
by
4.12 · Rating details · 19,831 ratings · 2,088 reviews
The "disease" of self-deception (acting in ways contrary to what one knows is right) underlies all leadership problems in today's organizations, according to the premise of this work. However well intentioned they may be, leaders who deceive themselves always end up undermining their own performance.This straightforward book explains how leaders can discover their own self-deceptions and learn how to escape destructive patterns. The authors demonstrate that breaking out of these patterns leads to improved teamwork, commitment, trust, communication, motivation, and leadership. (less)
Paperback, 180 pages
Published January 1st 2002 by Berrett-Koehler Publishers (first published January 1st 2000)
Showing 1-30
Feb 02, 2011Alan rated it it was amazing
This is a hard book to read - not because the language or ideas are lofty (just the opposite, the ideas have been made extremely accessible) -- the reason this book was hard to read, is because it nearly forces you to take a hard look at the way you live, the way you treat others, and the way you navigate through business, personal, and other situations.
The biggest take aways from this book, in my humble opinion, are that we often are at least part of the cause of the problems that we *blame* on others. The blame game is how we deceive ourselves... and effectively undermine any solution to the problem. We then *need* things to go wrong in order for us to feel justified in that blame --- that's not a very easy truth reconcile oneself with.
You come away from this book not self-condemning, but enlightened, and with a renewed vigor in trying to mend personal relationships, and thence professional ones. This book *can be* deeply good for not only yourself, but for all of those who surround you. Read it, understand it, think about it, live it, and then pass it along to those around. (less)
The biggest take aways from this book, in my humble opinion, are that we often are at least part of the cause of the problems that we *blame* on others. The blame game is how we deceive ourselves... and effectively undermine any solution to the problem. We then *need* things to go wrong in order for us to feel justified in that blame --- that's not a very easy truth reconcile oneself with.
You come away from this book not self-condemning, but enlightened, and with a renewed vigor in trying to mend personal relationships, and thence professional ones. This book *can be* deeply good for not only yourself, but for all of those who surround you. Read it, understand it, think about it, live it, and then pass it along to those around. (less)
Good principles, a good teaching tool for organizations, but painful to get through.
I assume the story format is aimed to make the read easier to get through and understand, but instead it felt like a local TV commercial with a bad script. I would prefer that the narrator was straight, to-the-point and speaking to the reader. Examples are helpful, but following Tom's slow learning process made me feel like I was in a math class that I was too advanced for, ready to move on to the more complicated stuff but being held back by other students.
The box metaphor also began to irk me. In certain sections, I wrote a note to myself to replace "in the box" with "acting like a selfish jerk" and "out of the box" with "being considerate of other people." I just wanted to be spoken to in real terms.
The box metaphor and story format will hopefully be condusive to a group discussion among team members of an organization, but if you are reading on your own to improve your relationship skills at work, there must be something better. (less)
I assume the story format is aimed to make the read easier to get through and understand, but instead it felt like a local TV commercial with a bad script. I would prefer that the narrator was straight, to-the-point and speaking to the reader. Examples are helpful, but following Tom's slow learning process made me feel like I was in a math class that I was too advanced for, ready to move on to the more complicated stuff but being held back by other students.
The box metaphor also began to irk me. In certain sections, I wrote a note to myself to replace "in the box" with "acting like a selfish jerk" and "out of the box" with "being considerate of other people." I just wanted to be spoken to in real terms.
The box metaphor and story format will hopefully be condusive to a group discussion among team members of an organization, but if you are reading on your own to improve your relationship skills at work, there must be something better. (less)
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I know a lot of people who really love this book. It takes complex ideas and presents them in an easy-to-follow format. Which is fine if you're 10 years old. I felt like it was dumbed-down and assumed the reader is less than intelligent. Despite its big print, simple sentences, and few pages, it was a struggle to make it to the end. Want the same ideas presented to competent adults? Check out "Bonds that Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner.
Jul 28, 2014Antoinette Perez added it
Really struggled with this book, and I see from the average rating that I'm in the minority here. The contrived fable format... the condescending, read-my-mind closed question interrogations... the shallow introspection... the insistence on the reader forgetting what he or she knows about the phrases "in the box" and "out of the box" to adopt a new meaning just for this book... long-winded (pages-long) pseudo-explanations of new concepts and jargon that only muddy the waters more, like this excerpt:
“By blaming, I invite others to get in the box, and they then blame me for blaming them unjustly. But because, while I’m in the box, I feel justified in blaming them, I feel that their blame is unjust and blame them even more. But of course, while they’re in the box they feel justified in blaming me and feel that my further blame is unjust. So they blame me even more. And so on. So, by being in the box, I invite others to be in the box in response. And others, be being in the box in response, invite me to stay in the box.”
Say what?! Maybe another way of saying that is, "Blame often creates a self-perpetuating victim spiral."
More than anything else, it embarrasses me that the moral of the story, as far as I can tell, is that businesspeople need to remember to treat other people like humans, with respect and care. Is it the state of business today that leaders need this heavy-handed reminder? (less)
“By blaming, I invite others to get in the box, and they then blame me for blaming them unjustly. But because, while I’m in the box, I feel justified in blaming them, I feel that their blame is unjust and blame them even more. But of course, while they’re in the box they feel justified in blaming me and feel that my further blame is unjust. So they blame me even more. And so on. So, by being in the box, I invite others to be in the box in response. And others, be being in the box in response, invite me to stay in the box.”
Say what?! Maybe another way of saying that is, "Blame often creates a self-perpetuating victim spiral."
More than anything else, it embarrasses me that the moral of the story, as far as I can tell, is that businesspeople need to remember to treat other people like humans, with respect and care. Is it the state of business today that leaders need this heavy-handed reminder? (less)
"My self-justifying image about being learned can be the very thing that sometimes keeps me from learning."
- The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception
Like most series, I tend to read them backwards. I've known about these Arbinger books for years, but only recently read them. Last year I readAnatomy of Peace and figured it made sense to close the circle on the "box" and read the book that started the whole Arbinger/Self-Deception/Leadership thing.
A quick background (I talk about this a bit in my Anatomy of Peace review): I know C. Terry Warner's family. I actually went to a private, prep school in Provo, Utah with both C. Terry Warner's kids and Steven R. Covey's kids (all we needed was Clayton Christensen's kids and we would have had a full set). The school was amazing. I didn't realize at the time that I was learning French and pre-Calc among the progeny of Leadership Gurus.
First, let me back up. You might never even recognize C. Terry Warner's name while reading this book. He isn't mentioned anywhere in the book directly. It has, however, his philosophical fingerprints all over it. The book isn't written by one person, but rather by an organization (Arbinger Institute) that was founded by Dr. Warner. It builds on C. Terry Warner's ideas of self-deception, human emotions, and organizational performance.
C. Terry Warner is a PhD in philosophy and taught for years at BYU so it is natural that the foundations of a lot of Arbinger (a company he founded) is centered around philosophy, theology, and psychology. This book focuses on self-deception, and how treating people as objects and not people, and self-betrayal (not acting on our impulse to help others), hurts families, organizations, and individuals. I think the ideas in this book are sound. I wasn't, however, a fan of the terms "in the box" or "out of the box". I understand why they used it (simplicity, visually instructive, intuitive), but it also seemed a bit too simplistic (maybe that is what today's business demand?) and confusing (for years people have used the cliche "thinking outside the box" which is a completely different idea).
Anyway, I generally hate self-help and corporate leadership books. I do, however, have a soft spot for the Arbinger books, and do find them to be a bit more useful than most. Part of the reason I liked, yet am still also a bit conflicted about it, fits into a term coined by my friend Nathaniel. He called Arbinger and Covey books a sub-genre of "covertly religious business books". Some of the stories were familiar to me locally. Some concepts seemed, like Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, to repackage theological and ethical arguments I am very familiar with. Again, some of that may come from where I grew up, and the kids I was hanging with. (less)
- The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception
Like most series, I tend to read them backwards. I've known about these Arbinger books for years, but only recently read them. Last year I readAnatomy of Peace and figured it made sense to close the circle on the "box" and read the book that started the whole Arbinger/Self-Deception/Leadership thing.
A quick background (I talk about this a bit in my Anatomy of Peace review): I know C. Terry Warner's family. I actually went to a private, prep school in Provo, Utah with both C. Terry Warner's kids and Steven R. Covey's kids (all we needed was Clayton Christensen's kids and we would have had a full set). The school was amazing. I didn't realize at the time that I was learning French and pre-Calc among the progeny of Leadership Gurus.
First, let me back up. You might never even recognize C. Terry Warner's name while reading this book. He isn't mentioned anywhere in the book directly. It has, however, his philosophical fingerprints all over it. The book isn't written by one person, but rather by an organization (Arbinger Institute) that was founded by Dr. Warner. It builds on C. Terry Warner's ideas of self-deception, human emotions, and organizational performance.
C. Terry Warner is a PhD in philosophy and taught for years at BYU so it is natural that the foundations of a lot of Arbinger (a company he founded) is centered around philosophy, theology, and psychology. This book focuses on self-deception, and how treating people as objects and not people, and self-betrayal (not acting on our impulse to help others), hurts families, organizations, and individuals. I think the ideas in this book are sound. I wasn't, however, a fan of the terms "in the box" or "out of the box". I understand why they used it (simplicity, visually instructive, intuitive), but it also seemed a bit too simplistic (maybe that is what today's business demand?) and confusing (for years people have used the cliche "thinking outside the box" which is a completely different idea).
Anyway, I generally hate self-help and corporate leadership books. I do, however, have a soft spot for the Arbinger books, and do find them to be a bit more useful than most. Part of the reason I liked, yet am still also a bit conflicted about it, fits into a term coined by my friend Nathaniel. He called Arbinger and Covey books a sub-genre of "covertly religious business books". Some of the stories were familiar to me locally. Some concepts seemed, like Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, to repackage theological and ethical arguments I am very familiar with. Again, some of that may come from where I grew up, and the kids I was hanging with. (less)
Aug 13, 2010Eric Glenn rated it it was amazing
I read this book in one day...I just couldn't put it down. An excellent book on how to be a better person and leader. Really set well with my beliefs on building relationships which are the love of others versus love of self. I think I will buy this book for each of my adult children to read. Hopefully they can learn these concepts faster than the 52 years it has taken me!
It is also a MUST read for leaders in business, especially if you are involved in Network Marketing. Really it is a must rea ...more
It is also a MUST read for leaders in business, especially if you are involved in Network Marketing. Really it is a must rea ...more
There was a part of this right near the end of the ‘book’ where the authors say ‘Don’t use the vocabulary—“the box,” and so on—with people who don’t already know it’ - and I thought, ‘oh yeah...here we go.’ In the afterword they say that one of the impacts of the book has been how it has helped people all over the world in various ways - and that they even have ‘out of the box’ parties in Japan. If you are keen to join a HR cult - this is one that is perhaps not as bad as some others you might find yourself in. It has all of the metaphors you can use to be able to talk in code and stroke your own ego knowing what being ‘in the box’ means or ‘self-betrayal’ or ‘collusion’ are - none of which, of course, quite have their standard meanings.
The metaphor of being in or out of the box is particularly odd. Not least since it is never entirely clear what the ‘box’ is. The idea behind it is that we self-justify our own actions and blame others for what we then perceive they do wrong. I found the idea of this being ‘in a box’ something of a forced metaphor.
Basically, the core of this book is the golden rule updated for business needs - although, a lot of this book also looked at how you could apply the same ideas discussed here to your personal life with success and to advantage - if not profit, per se. Now, naturally enough, after 2000 years of Christianity and Buddhism etc, the golden rule can’t particularly be said to have caught on all that well, at least not in actions, if it has done better in self-declaration. There is lots in this book about treating others as people, and of taking personal responsibility for the things that happen in your life. I think all of this is great. Like I said, these lessons have been around for a very long time and so they are likely to have something going for them. Kant talks about all this in his theory of morality - but he doesn’t do it as a series of sort of chatty confessions, so, I guess he can be ignored by the self-help book world.
My problem with this isn’t really that it isn’t all that different from the religious traditions of both east and west - but rather that it fits all too well with much more recent Human Resources traditions. That is, the belief that employees and employers have identical needs and interests - and these are fully realised in improved productivity. That any problems that exist in the work place are the result of employees (or perhaps even employers) own individual problems. That addressing these individualised problems is the only means to address the problems that exist in the workplace (or in your marriage or anywhere else). And that if you can’t change as an individual, then maybe it is time for you to take personal responsibility and leave the organisation.
This all hides what might be considered the ‘systematic’ problems that might underlie issues in the workplace. For instance, given that the ultimate goal of an organisation is to increase productivity and value, that most likely today will be realised by increasing the precarious nature of employment for most people. This has been the direction employment has been moving in. And while it is really nice that the employer is going to think of me as a person, and not just a cog, it might also be nice if I had a living wage and, yeah, maybe some meaningful work too. That so much of HR practice has been to introduce Fordist practices in all jobs, white or blue collar, and to have done this for decades, talk of my problems being that I’m ‘in the box’ might be due to my needing to live in a cardboard box due to not having a real job that pays a living wage.
I think if any book seeks to address the issues facing workplaces and does so by focusing on atomised individuals, you can assume you are being taken for a bit of a ride. (less)
The metaphor of being in or out of the box is particularly odd. Not least since it is never entirely clear what the ‘box’ is. The idea behind it is that we self-justify our own actions and blame others for what we then perceive they do wrong. I found the idea of this being ‘in a box’ something of a forced metaphor.
Basically, the core of this book is the golden rule updated for business needs - although, a lot of this book also looked at how you could apply the same ideas discussed here to your personal life with success and to advantage - if not profit, per se. Now, naturally enough, after 2000 years of Christianity and Buddhism etc, the golden rule can’t particularly be said to have caught on all that well, at least not in actions, if it has done better in self-declaration. There is lots in this book about treating others as people, and of taking personal responsibility for the things that happen in your life. I think all of this is great. Like I said, these lessons have been around for a very long time and so they are likely to have something going for them. Kant talks about all this in his theory of morality - but he doesn’t do it as a series of sort of chatty confessions, so, I guess he can be ignored by the self-help book world.
My problem with this isn’t really that it isn’t all that different from the religious traditions of both east and west - but rather that it fits all too well with much more recent Human Resources traditions. That is, the belief that employees and employers have identical needs and interests - and these are fully realised in improved productivity. That any problems that exist in the work place are the result of employees (or perhaps even employers) own individual problems. That addressing these individualised problems is the only means to address the problems that exist in the workplace (or in your marriage or anywhere else). And that if you can’t change as an individual, then maybe it is time for you to take personal responsibility and leave the organisation.
This all hides what might be considered the ‘systematic’ problems that might underlie issues in the workplace. For instance, given that the ultimate goal of an organisation is to increase productivity and value, that most likely today will be realised by increasing the precarious nature of employment for most people. This has been the direction employment has been moving in. And while it is really nice that the employer is going to think of me as a person, and not just a cog, it might also be nice if I had a living wage and, yeah, maybe some meaningful work too. That so much of HR practice has been to introduce Fordist practices in all jobs, white or blue collar, and to have done this for decades, talk of my problems being that I’m ‘in the box’ might be due to my needing to live in a cardboard box due to not having a real job that pays a living wage.
I think if any book seeks to address the issues facing workplaces and does so by focusing on atomised individuals, you can assume you are being taken for a bit of a ride. (less)
7 stars. I’m on about 600+ books now that I’ve read as a semi-adult (am i bragging? probably, who cares?) - I have to admit that this one has gone into my top 5.
I would have titled it as the “psychology of self-deception and the impact this has on relationships”. I was blown away by this book that was recommended by a partner in our firm. There is a sequel to the book called the anatomy of peace that’s on my bedside table which I’m going to be diving into very soon. As the book title suggests this book is about self-deception and doesn’t apologise for being didactic about it. The moment of self-deception, of a morally pivoting instance can have a cascade of extremely deleterious effects on the individual and those around him / her. Micro decisions that we make in life if on the wrong side of being right affect us and sometimes we end up carrying the effects of these unvirtuous decisions with us throughout our lives. The authors call this mind-set “being in the box”. This always had a slightly tangential although part related meaning for me because of my addiction to boxing and I couldn’t help but draw parallels between the reality of people finding themselves in the box and the squared circle in which boxers practise their pugilistic dance. The only way out of the box is to question your own virtue - a fight with yourself more than anyone else, which as anyone who boxes will know is the real fight that takes place in the ring.
The basic premise of the book can be summed up in the following sequence of activities that take place when we make an incorrect decision or act in an incorrect way which essentially doesn’t feel right to us:
1. We self-betray: an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of self-betrayal.
2. When I betray myself I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
3. When I see a self-justifying world my view of reality becomes distorted.
4. So when I betray myself I enter the box.
5. Over time certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me.
6. By being in the box I provoke others to be in the box
7. In the box we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box ... and the beat goes one.
Here are some of my best bits from the book:
•“There are a whole host of things we can do - things that can help us reduce our in the box moments and heal out in the box relationships. In face this is precisely what your experiences with Bud and Kate did for you yesterday - you did something while you were out of the box toward Bud and Kate that helped you to get out of the box toward Laura. My mind searched for the answer. What did i do? YOU QUESTIONED YOUR OWN VIRTUE.”
• “People respond not primarily to what you do but to how you are being – whether you’re in or out of the box towards them.”
• “We don’t see people straightforwardly as people. Rather we see them in terms of the self-justifying images we’ve created. If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a self-justifying image we see them as threats.”
• “In the box every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box. I can change from arguing to kissing. I can change from ignoring someone to going out of my way to shower that person with attention but whatever changes I think of in the box are changes I think of from within the box and they are therefore just more of the box – which is the problem in the first place. Others remain objects to me.”
• “You can’t get out of the box by trying to focus on yourself which is what you do when you try to change your behaviour in the box.”
•“In the box i'm actively resisting what the humanity of others calls me to do for them.”
•“This is why the way out of the box is always right before our eyes - because the people were resisting are right before our eyes. We can stop betraying ourselves towards them - we can stop resisting them.” (less)
I would have titled it as the “psychology of self-deception and the impact this has on relationships”. I was blown away by this book that was recommended by a partner in our firm. There is a sequel to the book called the anatomy of peace that’s on my bedside table which I’m going to be diving into very soon. As the book title suggests this book is about self-deception and doesn’t apologise for being didactic about it. The moment of self-deception, of a morally pivoting instance can have a cascade of extremely deleterious effects on the individual and those around him / her. Micro decisions that we make in life if on the wrong side of being right affect us and sometimes we end up carrying the effects of these unvirtuous decisions with us throughout our lives. The authors call this mind-set “being in the box”. This always had a slightly tangential although part related meaning for me because of my addiction to boxing and I couldn’t help but draw parallels between the reality of people finding themselves in the box and the squared circle in which boxers practise their pugilistic dance. The only way out of the box is to question your own virtue - a fight with yourself more than anyone else, which as anyone who boxes will know is the real fight that takes place in the ring.
The basic premise of the book can be summed up in the following sequence of activities that take place when we make an incorrect decision or act in an incorrect way which essentially doesn’t feel right to us:
1. We self-betray: an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of self-betrayal.
2. When I betray myself I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
3. When I see a self-justifying world my view of reality becomes distorted.
4. So when I betray myself I enter the box.
5. Over time certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me.
6. By being in the box I provoke others to be in the box
7. In the box we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box ... and the beat goes one.
Here are some of my best bits from the book:
•“There are a whole host of things we can do - things that can help us reduce our in the box moments and heal out in the box relationships. In face this is precisely what your experiences with Bud and Kate did for you yesterday - you did something while you were out of the box toward Bud and Kate that helped you to get out of the box toward Laura. My mind searched for the answer. What did i do? YOU QUESTIONED YOUR OWN VIRTUE.”
• “People respond not primarily to what you do but to how you are being – whether you’re in or out of the box towards them.”
• “We don’t see people straightforwardly as people. Rather we see them in terms of the self-justifying images we’ve created. If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a self-justifying image we see them as threats.”
• “In the box every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box. I can change from arguing to kissing. I can change from ignoring someone to going out of my way to shower that person with attention but whatever changes I think of in the box are changes I think of from within the box and they are therefore just more of the box – which is the problem in the first place. Others remain objects to me.”
• “You can’t get out of the box by trying to focus on yourself which is what you do when you try to change your behaviour in the box.”
•“In the box i'm actively resisting what the humanity of others calls me to do for them.”
•“This is why the way out of the box is always right before our eyes - because the people were resisting are right before our eyes. We can stop betraying ourselves towards them - we can stop resisting them.” (less)
Feb 22, 2010Laura Broder rated it it was amazing
READ THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW.
I'm serious.
I'm not really into management books, but this one was recommended to me by a friend and mentor who I respect immensely. She gave me her copy months and months ago, and boy do I wish I picked it up sooner.
Firstly, this book is incredibly readable. Though it's about communication and interpersonal relationships, it's not a dry, non-fiction handbook. The concepts the book present are unveiled slowly, through a fictional story. Tons of real-life examples are used, and the story just makes you wanna keep reading to find out the next step in getting out of the box. I flew through this book in a couple of days.
I won't try to explain the concepts presented in this book; you really need to read it. But suffice it to say that they have changed the way I look at myself and others close to me. I am SO in the box most of the time, and it's time that I got out. I look forward to putting the concepts presented in this book into practice. I know my family, friends, and co-workers will appreciate it.(less)
I'm serious.
I'm not really into management books, but this one was recommended to me by a friend and mentor who I respect immensely. She gave me her copy months and months ago, and boy do I wish I picked it up sooner.
Firstly, this book is incredibly readable. Though it's about communication and interpersonal relationships, it's not a dry, non-fiction handbook. The concepts the book present are unveiled slowly, through a fictional story. Tons of real-life examples are used, and the story just makes you wanna keep reading to find out the next step in getting out of the box. I flew through this book in a couple of days.
I won't try to explain the concepts presented in this book; you really need to read it. But suffice it to say that they have changed the way I look at myself and others close to me. I am SO in the box most of the time, and it's time that I got out. I look forward to putting the concepts presented in this book into practice. I know my family, friends, and co-workers will appreciate it.(less)
Apr 23, 2018Mehrsa rated it it was ok
So I read this back in college because Terry Warner (the author of Bonds That Make Us Free on whose ideas this book is based) was my freshman year philosophy professor. The man is amazing. He's a saint and he's brilliant and his ideas have been my life's guiding principles. I've read Bonds that Make us Free like 10 times. I hated this when I first read it college, but then I just re-read it again because it's short and I wanted a reminder. And it's like reading beautiful ideas of philosophy (rooted in Buber's concept of I and Thou) and then speaking them through corporate speech. "Getting out of the box will help our company's bottom line." It's a prostituting of some great concepts. The book is also so cheesy. Just read the original. (less)
Nov 18, 2008VR rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Anyone who wants a full and satisfied life
Recommended to VR by: Judge Memmott
A book that teaches powerful principles that I have already begun implementing to great effect in my own life. The principles we already know for the most part, and the general truths don't surprise, but The Arbinger Institute has blended and crafted them in such a way as to help us really put it all together. My favorite and most meaningful insight is that when we are "in the box" it doesn't matter what we do, how helpful or good we try to be, we will end up defeating ourselves. Forget blame and see people for who and what they are, rather than as instruments to our own ends. Anyway, lot's of great stuff. Frankly I think everyone needs to read it, for the sake of all their relationships, at work, at home, and anywhere else. Bravo Arbinger! (less)
Feb 25, 2018Ian Stewart rated it it was amazing
Excellent extended business-oriented parable on what happens when you ignore the instinctual feeling to help those around you. You either honor that feeling or you betray it. What happens when you betray it? It ain’t good according to the book. It’s self-betrayal that sets off a chain of events that leaves you feeling justified and others looking contemptible. You wind up calling that your character and living in a warped version of reality with warped results in all your actions. Worse still you’re probably doing this all the time. It has a dated Sunday School feel to it for a book published in 2002 but I won't knock points for that. It all rang true. Highly recommended.(less)
I don't know if there's some kind of sub-genre for covertly religious business books, but I feel like there should be. I guess I read a book called "The Greatest Salesman in the World" or something when I was a missionary that wasn't even covert. There's also all the religious subtext of books like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.
Anyway, this book is in that category. What it does is reformulate some basic concepts of spiritual / ethical living in totally secular language, and in so doing it actually does a pretty amazing job of conveying some really first-rate, post-modern Christianity in simple terms.
I say "post-modern" because the central idea of the book is that we are capable of self-deception. We don't know our own motives and--worse than that--we often contradict our own assumed goals. Here's the basic thesis:
1. Everyone has a basic desire to treat other people as people (rather than means to ends)
2. Everyone violates that basic desire at some point or other.
3. When that happens, we immediately seek to justify our own self-betrayal by inventing a fictitious narrative to justify it. Namely, we (a) accentuate / fabricate negative characteristics of the person we didn't treat right and (b) we accentuate / fabricate positive characteristics of ourselves.
This is called, in the book, "being in the box." Weird expression, and I never got it, but whatever.
4. When we're in the box, we actually need other people to behave badly because it validates our narrative that we're saintly victims and they're powerful villains.
5. As a result, you can get into a vicious cycle with people you live or work with, where both of you are sabotaging the other while pretending to be helpful.
It's actually amazingly close to some theories I've written about myself (in an overtly religious venue), and maybe that's why I'm so partial to it.
Anway, I really, really liked it, and I'm impressed even if I'm not convinced that it's really that applicable to a business context. (It seems perfectly applicable to a family context.) (less)
Anyway, this book is in that category. What it does is reformulate some basic concepts of spiritual / ethical living in totally secular language, and in so doing it actually does a pretty amazing job of conveying some really first-rate, post-modern Christianity in simple terms.
I say "post-modern" because the central idea of the book is that we are capable of self-deception. We don't know our own motives and--worse than that--we often contradict our own assumed goals. Here's the basic thesis:
1. Everyone has a basic desire to treat other people as people (rather than means to ends)
2. Everyone violates that basic desire at some point or other.
3. When that happens, we immediately seek to justify our own self-betrayal by inventing a fictitious narrative to justify it. Namely, we (a) accentuate / fabricate negative characteristics of the person we didn't treat right and (b) we accentuate / fabricate positive characteristics of ourselves.
This is called, in the book, "being in the box." Weird expression, and I never got it, but whatever.
4. When we're in the box, we actually need other people to behave badly because it validates our narrative that we're saintly victims and they're powerful villains.
5. As a result, you can get into a vicious cycle with people you live or work with, where both of you are sabotaging the other while pretending to be helpful.
It's actually amazingly close to some theories I've written about myself (in an overtly religious venue), and maybe that's why I'm so partial to it.
Anway, I really, really liked it, and I'm impressed even if I'm not convinced that it's really that applicable to a business context. (It seems perfectly applicable to a family context.) (less)
Oct 08, 2009Corinne Edwards rated it really liked it
Shelves: 2009, non-fiction, psychology, self-help, management, leadership, business
"WHAT?" you say to yourself. WHAT is this fantasy-story-loving girl doing reading a book that demands shelving on the business/psychology shelf? And a valid question it is. I would never in one thousand years have picked it up if my dearly beloved husband hadn't read it first and told me that it changed his life. Changed it to the point where I am SEEING him look at the world in a different way. And when my husband, who has watched me read for 11+ years now and has never once asked me to read something, asks me to read this book, what can I say?
I read it, and I can see why he asked me to. This book will make you feel like a weasel on one hand, recognizing that so much of our interactions with others are the results of our own decisions to do or not do what we know is the "right" thing to do. But on the other hand, you recognize the potential within you to just CHANGE things - change the way you interact with the people you care about the most.
The writing style is readable - it's conversational with lots of real-life examples. Probably for someone used to reading business/self-help books it would be a breeze to read. For inexperienced me, though, it made my brain work hard and I still keep having to ask my husband questions about how to apply the ideas. I think that it will take time (and probably some re-reading) to use the jargon effectively in my mind - phrase like "self-betrayal" and "being in the box" still don't roll off the tongue, if you know what I mean. But I do know what it feels like when I start seeing myself as the "good mom" dealing with my "my crabby kids." And I don't like that me. I want to see myself as I really am and I want to openly see those I love as they really are: as people (not objects) with thoughts and feelings and desires just like I have and which are just as valid as my own. (less)
I read it, and I can see why he asked me to. This book will make you feel like a weasel on one hand, recognizing that so much of our interactions with others are the results of our own decisions to do or not do what we know is the "right" thing to do. But on the other hand, you recognize the potential within you to just CHANGE things - change the way you interact with the people you care about the most.
The writing style is readable - it's conversational with lots of real-life examples. Probably for someone used to reading business/self-help books it would be a breeze to read. For inexperienced me, though, it made my brain work hard and I still keep having to ask my husband questions about how to apply the ideas. I think that it will take time (and probably some re-reading) to use the jargon effectively in my mind - phrase like "self-betrayal" and "being in the box" still don't roll off the tongue, if you know what I mean. But I do know what it feels like when I start seeing myself as the "good mom" dealing with my "my crabby kids." And I don't like that me. I want to see myself as I really am and I want to openly see those I love as they really are: as people (not objects) with thoughts and feelings and desires just like I have and which are just as valid as my own. (less)
I came into work one day, and this book was on my desk with no note attached. I picked it up, flipped it over, and read the first quote on the back: "Fascinating, thought provoking, and insightful! This book is a wake-up call to all those who think they're good with people..."[return][return]Wait. What?! Was somebody trying to tell me something? Was this some passive-aggressive attempt at telling me I'm a bear to work with? I could actually feel my heart drop and hit my stomach. I hid the book under my purse and tried to check my email, but I just couldn't concentrate.[return][return]I peeked into my neighbor's cube and said in just-barely-above-a-whisper, "Hey, I had some book on my desk when I came in. Do you know what that's about?"[return][return]"Oh, yeah. Our boss left them for us. She wants us to read them before our group meeting in 2 weeks."[return][return]My heart sprung back up to its rightful position in my chest cavity. No secret message from a disgruntled co-worker, hooray![return][return]But...assigned reading for work? I have a spreadsheet of 643 book titles I want to read and a stack of 20-ish books from the library all in various stages of being read and flipped through and referenced, and I'm what (less)
Oct 27, 2018Simon Eskildsen rated it really liked it
You know that occasional, elusive thought of something you should do? Like taking out the trash? But instead of doing it, you replace it resentment. Why am I always the one taking out the garbage? In an instant, you conjure up a reality where your inaction is wholly justified: They need to pull their share of the responsibilities and take out the trash more often. In this new reality you've created, the resentment feeds on itself as you wait for them to do it. But they don't. Because they can't read your thoughts.
This book is about these moments of self-deception, big and small. That when we start deceiving ourselves, we influence those around us to do the same. It's honestly a lot more work to reproach someone for not taking out the garbage than just doing it (or talking about it).
When there's a disconnect between our sense of what's right and what we do, we engage in what the book coins as 'self-betrayal.' If we don't pay attention to these moments of self-betrayal, we easily drift into our own, self-serving stories. The idea is not new. You can summarize it as "assume good intentions", "default to the most respectable interpretation," or fundamental attribution error: What would have to be true for this person to act this way? However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice. That it's much harder than we give it credit for, but that we can be better at catching ourselves.
It's told as fiction, similar to The Goal, or 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. It's an easy read, with a robust and applicable takeaway. Definitely comes highly recommended. (less)
This book is about these moments of self-deception, big and small. That when we start deceiving ourselves, we influence those around us to do the same. It's honestly a lot more work to reproach someone for not taking out the garbage than just doing it (or talking about it).
When there's a disconnect between our sense of what's right and what we do, we engage in what the book coins as 'self-betrayal.' If we don't pay attention to these moments of self-betrayal, we easily drift into our own, self-serving stories. The idea is not new. You can summarize it as "assume good intentions", "default to the most respectable interpretation," or fundamental attribution error: What would have to be true for this person to act this way? However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice. That it's much harder than we give it credit for, but that we can be better at catching ourselves.
It's told as fiction, similar to The Goal, or 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. It's an easy read, with a robust and applicable takeaway. Definitely comes highly recommended. (less)
The premise of this book focuses on one's own limited view of people, relationships, and organizational dynamics and clearly shows them as obstacles to one's optimal performance and productivity. The Arbinger Institute reveals the new thoughts and debunks false notions around leadership. The best leadership and business books weave the concepts into a story rather than disseminate them in dry abstract paragraphs. Try as it may, abstraction always comes short of making us engage and anticipate the the way a good story does - and few other styles make the concepts more lasting in our memory bank. It is within the context of a good story that true learning happens.
At the core of the book, he introduces us the concept of the Box - Being in the Box and Getting out of the Box. In this context, the Box represents the mental borders we draw around ourselves, to protect ourselves, to set us apart from rest of the world and justify our own actions. Bud explains in these sessions that we see others more or less as people only when we are out of the box - and we see them in a systematically distorted way, as mere objects in his words, when we are in the box. "We can be hard and invite productivity and commitment, or we can be hard and invite resistance and ill will. The choice is whether we do it while in the box or out of the box." It alludes to something deeper than behavior that determines our influence on others.
In acting contrary to one's own sense of what is appropriate, we learn, one betrays his own sense of how he should be toward another person. That is self-betrayal. The choice is whether to honor the sense or to betray it. According to Bud, "When I betray myself, I see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal and my view of reality becomes distorted, then I enter the box." Put another way, when I betray myself, I:
Inflate others' faults
Inflate own virtue
Inflate the value of things that justify my self-betrayal
Blame others
The latter part of the book, which guides us into Getting out of the Box and exercising leadership in the liberated box-free world, we share in our hero's confusion in how the usual remedies fail here. This is where new leadership concepts are born and revealed. Getting out of the Box is only possible when we know well the problem with being in the box.
If you read only one business book, this would be among my top recommendations. If you can read only a few pages, read page 165-166. "Living the material" section is clean, short, void of all business jargon, and beautifully written to boot. (less)
At the core of the book, he introduces us the concept of the Box - Being in the Box and Getting out of the Box. In this context, the Box represents the mental borders we draw around ourselves, to protect ourselves, to set us apart from rest of the world and justify our own actions. Bud explains in these sessions that we see others more or less as people only when we are out of the box - and we see them in a systematically distorted way, as mere objects in his words, when we are in the box. "We can be hard and invite productivity and commitment, or we can be hard and invite resistance and ill will. The choice is whether we do it while in the box or out of the box." It alludes to something deeper than behavior that determines our influence on others.
In acting contrary to one's own sense of what is appropriate, we learn, one betrays his own sense of how he should be toward another person. That is self-betrayal. The choice is whether to honor the sense or to betray it. According to Bud, "When I betray myself, I see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal and my view of reality becomes distorted, then I enter the box." Put another way, when I betray myself, I:
Inflate others' faults
Inflate own virtue
Inflate the value of things that justify my self-betrayal
Blame others
The latter part of the book, which guides us into Getting out of the Box and exercising leadership in the liberated box-free world, we share in our hero's confusion in how the usual remedies fail here. This is where new leadership concepts are born and revealed. Getting out of the Box is only possible when we know well the problem with being in the box.
If you read only one business book, this would be among my top recommendations. If you can read only a few pages, read page 165-166. "Living the material" section is clean, short, void of all business jargon, and beautifully written to boot. (less)
