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Grace And Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber Paperback – 15 January 2001
by Ken Wilber (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars (305)
Here is a deeply moving account of a couple's struggle with cancer and their journey to spiritual healing. Grace and Grit is the compelling story of the five-year journey of Ken Wilber and his wife Treya Killam Wilber through Treya's illness, treatment, and, finally, death.
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Maria Izabel Laczko Gebrael
5.0 out of 5 stars Uma lição de vida.
Reviewed in Brazil on 1 September 2015
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Um dos melhores livros que li em toda a minha vida. Uma lição de como viver e enfrentar uma doença terminal. Uma lição de amor conjungal.
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TK
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Story
Reviewed in Canada on 25 January 2024
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The author and partner were able to journal and recall emotions and details over the five years, amazing!
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Zubin
5.0 out of 5 stars Wat een Proces
Reviewed in the Netherlands on 8 May 2018
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Ik heb van de oprechtheid en open delen van waaruit dit boek is geschreven. Beiden geven ons inzicht in zich zelf, en zo ook in het leven... en in het sterven. Voel me heel dankbaar dat ik deze inzichten met ons gedeeld worden.
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Ali H
5.0 out of 5 stars Grace and Grit
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 23 November 2023
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Grace and Grit says it all. A beautiful love story which had a beautilful ending. I am movrd beyond words.
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Bernard Kwan
5.0 out of 5 stars Hard Won Wisdom
Reviewed in the United States on 16 July 2003
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To be perfectly honest, some of the other Ken Wilbur books that I have read have tended to have been excessively cerebral and potentially offputting to the general reader - they are like academic textbooks which assume prior knowledge of psychology, philosophy and the sciences, which one has to labor through in order to "get it" in the end. There is also a certain smugness in the elegant systems that he builds that always seemed so far removed from the messiness of daily life, and I have always believed that spirituality, has to be lived to be understood.
This book is exact opposite of the above, it is an inspiration about how to live life - in all its pain and imperfections and finally the redemptive power of love. I can only say that I one of the few times I have felt truly in awe of a person was throughout the reading of this book.
It touches on all the important questions life, death, love, destiny, purpose, spirituality, the relationship between the soul and the body - and most of all it has the potential to heal and transform.
My friend Hiromi - to whom I lent this book when her mother was dying of cancer told me she could only read a few pages at a time without putting it down because the shock of recognition and empathy was too great, yet she could not help but read it from cover to cover. Instead of abstract platitudes she received wisdom that was won at a high price. She belies that it helped her come to terms and lent her support through the whole experience and is helping her to heal. And perhaps there is really not much more I can add to an endorsement like that.
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Pfluger Sandra
5.0 out of 5 stars Ein bewegendes Buch
Reviewed in Germany on 7 February 2016
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Grace and Grit ist ein unglaublich vielschichtiges Buch, das weit mehr als die Krankheitsgeschichte einer eindrücklichen, begabten, jungen Frau beschreibt. Absolut lesenswert!
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Luca
5.0 out of 5 stars An must read to understand what takes to experience death
Reviewed in Italy on 2 June 2023
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Death and transpassing is central to this book. It sheds a light on the saying that love hurts but by hurting is capable to chance one self.
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Get in my Cart!
5.0 out of 5 stars My favorite book of all time
Reviewed in the United States on 17 February 2014
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I initially read this book for a college course called "Life, Death and Spiritual Development". Very interesting class, and this book stood out head and shoulders for me from the (otherwise excellent) course reading list as the one that really captivated my attention and imagination. I ended up writing my final paper for the course based primarily on this book and how it altered my life. That was in the mid 90's.
Fast forwarding, I have since recommended, and purchased, this book to many many people... Started with my father, who was a cancer surgeon and therefore I thought it would be a good thing for him to read. He isn't really into touchy-feely or spiritual stuff, but he is an intellectual and a big reader, and almost surprisingly (because of what I perceived as his potential aversion to "new age" spirituality) he loved the book as well. Then I gave it to my sister, then some people who I met or knew that had cancer. Then I read it again myself, maybe 5 years or so after my first reading. It is the ONLY book in my life that I have ever read twice. And I was both captivated and cried both times while reading it. It's been another 10-15 years, maybe I could even give it another read?!?
Every single person I have given or recommended this book to has loved it. Many of them went on to read other Ken Wilber books, as I did. Truth told, I found the other books I read by him to be less captivating, possibly a bit over my head, and just not as personal and raw and emotional as this story. Perhaps because he brilliantly interweaves the philosophy/spirituality concepts into his own deeply personal love and life story, and blends both of those with the first hand account and journal entries of his wife, who in and of herself was a brilliant writer and human being.
"Love at first touch, that's what she always called it." is, if I recall correctly, the very first sentence of this book. For my part, I would say that my review could have started and ended with, "Hooked at first line."
And lastly, something I've said now to many people over the years since my first read of Grace and Grit:
I HIGHLY recommended this book for:
1) Anyone who has faced or is facing cancer
2) Anyone who is a support person for someone facing cancer
3) Anyone who works with people who are facing or fighting cancer
4) Everyone else.
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Dr. Merika
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the most profound books I have ever read
Reviewed in Canada on 25 March 2014
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It took me months to read this book as it was painful, and I wanted to savour the thoughts. Ken's deep love of Treya comes through
and anyone who has ever lost anyone to death will understand and resonate with the long journey.
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Ranjit
4.0 out of 5 stars a book on death,love and living through cancer
Reviewed in India on 20 February 2015
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really a book to go through.if one had really been in love.as one move on to the last chapter it will be hard to hold one's tear
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Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Harrowing account by one of the foremost spiritual writers of our time
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 10 February 2020
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This account – the shared story of the 5 years between the authors marriage and the death from breast cancer of his wife has so many aspects to it – it is a harrowing journey of 2 people in relationship under assault by cancer. It's an inspiring account of how they handled it within the relationship and its effect on the relationship. It also features the authors take on nonreligious spirituality in a very digestible form and contains many reflections on the nature of illness and disease and our response to it both culturally and personally.
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Clare de Lune
5.0 out of 5 stars A friend recommended this book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 4 February 2015
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A friend recommended this book, as I am dealing with cancer. I thought it might be too close to the bone to read, but actually it is a great book. I recognise a lot of my own feelings and experience, and there is deep exploration and insight into death and dying and healing one's life. It is also a love story. It is told from both Ken and Treya's perspective (speaking through her journal entries). It is an engaging read and I would highly recommend it.
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anita joy delight
5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderfully engaging read . . .
Reviewed in the United States on 24 June 2021
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I only learned of this book recently. It reminded me of a 1989 issue of "New Age Journal" which I've saved for 32 years because of an article that deeply moved me about a young woman dying. That article, "Love Story," turns out to be an excerpt from this book.
I'm not yet far into the book, but I can safely say I love it first and foremost because of the story itself - that of Ken and Treya Wiber's loving relationship and their remarkable journey through her illness and death. Beyond that, I am deeply appreciating the wealth of information, intentionally incorporated, that pertains to important aspects of our human experience, including thoughtful insights into illness and the medical system, basic psychology, spirituality and 'perennial wisdom.' I anticipate relishing the book in its entirety!
I've had a tendency to shy away from Ken Wilber's work based on an assumption that it would prove to be 'heavy' reading and that I might find it to be 'laborious' reading. This book is eminently readable instilling in me considerable optimism that I might actually enjoy moving on to other of his books when I'm finished reading this . . .
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Barbora
5.0 out of 5 stars Exceptional book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 3 June 2020
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The book arrived fast and looked like new.
The content of the book is even better, I have just started reading, but I have heard so many recommendations. Adn I can tell that this book is very good.
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AP
4.0 out of 5 stars A many levels reading
Reviewed in the United States on 1 February 2014
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I think this book has many levels to it: First (and most important) one has the opportunity to witness and share an extraordinary journey of courage and self knowledge; second, it helps introduce the reader to Wilber's ideas in a very soft and easy way; third, it is a powerful love story
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Lady Rose
4.0 out of 5 stars Inspiring & very emotional book to read
Reviewed in Canada on 12 August 2015
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A book filled with inspiration, profound sadness, and unbelievable strength by Treya as she lived her life and died with an awful disease. Ken and Treya lived their lives immersed in the New Age philosophy, which is where they got their strength, love and commitment to each other. I don't follow the New Age way so I admit I skipped over the part where Ken was being interviewed as this wasn't for me, however if you do follow the New Age philosophy, you will find this part extremely helpful and informative. I was so astonished with how Treya never gave up on fighting for her life and the treatments she went through were horrible, awful, painful and yet she proceeded to complete each one until nothing else could be done for her. When she was ready to let it all go, she did so with grace, peace and a happiness that everyone she knew, was happy for her. You will need a Kleenex at the end of this book.
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gillian woodward
4.0 out of 5 stars Raw honesty
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 24 March 2014
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Best contemporary exploration of cancer and its symbolic meaning in our society I have ever read. Its raw honesty is very moving.
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Novel Gazer
5.0 out of 5 stars Poignant and powerful
Reviewed in the United States on 18 December 2012
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I first read about Ken and Treya's story a long time ago in a New Age Journal article, probably in the early 1970s, and never forgot it. A few years ago, though by then I'd forgotten their names, I decided to try to learn more about their story and through various online searches finally found this book. The story of their love and the continual deepening of Treya's spirit, much of it told in her own words, is very beautiful. I must confess I skipped over a lot of the philosophical content....though I am intrigued by such theories/insights/musings/teachings (or combination thereof), these passages were no match for the personal story of this couple and, especially, this amazing woman. I greatly appreciated Wilber's candor in documenting the difficulties they went through, their very human failings and frustrations and angers, before they got to the mutually nurturing place they finally achieved together--under the circumstances, a truly impressive achievement. I also fell more than a little in love with Treya, and the story of her strength, courage, and spiritual growth in the face of so much suffering is unforgettable. I still often pick up the book and reread smatterings of it for inspiration or solace. The recounting of her passing at the end has a beauty and mystery that are awe-inspiring. All in all, the book is a harrowing read, but an unforgettable one, and when you finish it, you feel as if you really know these two and thus have been personally affected by their journey. Their story will, if you let it, claim a small but permanent place in your soul ever after.
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Diogo Rossi
5.0 out of 5 stars Profound wisdom!
Reviewed in the United States on 17 August 2005
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Just finished reading Grace and Grit and I don't remember reading a book that had such a great positive impact on me. I didn't think I could cry so much reading a book! Not of sadness but a mix of many emotions... Grace and Grit is about so many things and touch us at so many different levels, it is a must read!!!
This book is so profound and of such wisdom that it urged me to rethink both life and death... It made me think about so many things in my life: how I relate to the ones I love; my values, my desire for meaning, it made me think about serving other - about being compassionate. It is making me reflect on how I handle certain issues I before considered depressive and hard to deal with.
There are many good reviews written here and I don't want to be repetitive, I just wanted to leave my comment expressing how much this book touched me (and I believe will change me). This book has a message to all of us in our quest to live more joyfully, integrally and spiritually... Above all, above practices and teachings Grace and Grit shows us in a first person stance the tremendous power of love and compassion, of grace and grit.
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Richard Briggs
5.0 out of 5 stars It's all here. I'm at a loss for words...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 24 January 2019
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I'm sure other reviews have spoken more eloquently than I can do. I just wanted to add my voice to those who have shared this journey through love and loss, discovering something within themselves at the same time.
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ghislaine picchio
5.0 out of 5 stars cry and laugh and I feel better prepared to live a fuller life and die aware
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 15 June 2016
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Very moving and so, so humane. Made me reflect, cry and laugh and I feel better prepared to live a fuller life and die aware.
A BIG MERCI.
Ghislaine
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Susan Moore-Jones
5.0 out of 5 stars Everyone Should Read This
Reviewed in the United States on 2 January 2013
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I bought this book because I had several friends dealing with various forms of cancer and I am a great fan of Ken Wilber's philosophical writings. I promptly lent my hitherto never relinquished Kindle to one of these friends because I felt it so important she read the book and her husband bought her a Kindle for Christmas so she can buy her own copy, so valuable did she find it.
I am re-reading it myself in order to make my support for my friends higher value.
This is not a book only for those touched by cancer in some way. It is a wonderfully enlightening book for anyone who wants some help to live life more fully and to encourage others to do the same.
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Avid Reader in Northern Wisconsin
5.0 out of 5 stars This book has profoundly affected how I view my role as a care giver to my very ill wife!
Reviewed in the United States on 22 December 2015
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I just finished reading "Grace and Grit". As the caregiver to my wife who is suffering from kidney disease, I can honestly relate to his message. In April, I survived a head-on car crash that I was not supposed to walk away from. This sense of "life repurposing" has given me the energy to be the support person as she suffers through her disease. At times, I felt that Ken was talking directly to me - sitting across from me in the same room - his story is that powerful!
This quote taken from page 363 really sums up an important part of his message “…..I increasingly see my support person activity as being a major part of selfless service and therefore of my own spiritual growth, a type of meditation in action, a type of compassion.”
Extremely well written
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The Tudor Travel Guide
5.0 out of 5 stars Loved it!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 3 May 2016
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Such a compelling, moving and inspiring story of making peace with life (and death). This is a keeper and I can't recommend it highly enough.
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B. Penn
2.0 out of 5 stars THAT CANCER IS NOT A DEADLY DISEASE
Reviewed in Canada on 15 October 2020
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I love the way Ken Wilber describes their love story, their difficulties in the relationship and how they overcame their difficulties by cleaning out their own behavioral patterns caused by suppressed emotions of traumas in their past and their spiritual search for the truth. They are so honest and open about the process. That draws my respect.
I was disappointed that such intelligent people as Wilber and his wife chose for the devastating harmful treatments of oncology and did not dare to take their personal responsibility to heal cancer naturally, although they did a lot of research. My own natural healing process from metastasis cancer ( diagnosed in 2001) without chemo, radiation and surgery has brought me the experience that cancer is not a deadly disease, and now many years later, I also know why this is so on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, because of my own research. Oct.2020.
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K. Huggs
3.0 out of 5 stars Good ad for breast self-exams and mammograms.
Reviewed in the United States on 8 October 2017
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The star of the book is unquestionably, Treya, Wilber's wife. In fact, there's more of her writing in the book than his. I don't know why he didn't put her on posthumously as co-author.
I don't doubt the love that ultimately triumphs, but I can't help but think of all the people facing terminal cancer who don't have the money to do what Wilber and Treya do, hopping over the Germany for six weeks for a special treatment, then to New York City, Wilber going off on a ten day Bubbhist retreat, and so on.
The other thing that infuriated me is how they go for another cancer treatment while she is dying with multiple tumors all over her body, including her brain.
It's also a good implicit ad for the importance of breast self-exams and mammograms, neither of which she did before diagnosis at 36. She also describes herself as having large, lumpy breasts, which makes regular exams even more important.
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Winter Peanuttle
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed My Life
Reviewed in the United States on 1 January 2014
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Required reading for nursing school. I absolutely LOVED it. I was crying uncontrollably at the end. Ended up buying this book for several people as a gift.
After reading this, I was inspired to read more of Ken Wilber in hopes that it would be as emotionally captivating and spiritually enlightening as Grace and Grit. Unfortunately, the rest of his work is VERY cerebral and I wasn't able to get through much of it. This seems to have been a one-time-thing... perhaps the heart influence of Treya. I wish there were more stories like this...
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Melissa Finn
5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful story about perseverance, love, spirituality, philosophy
Reviewed in the United States on 4 September 2009
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This is a really beautiful book. The last 100 pages I read through tears. Wilber creatively weaves Treya's inspiring story with his own as a support person along with his usual expositions on spirituality/philosophy. I recommend this book, not only to those battling cancer, but to anyone experiencing any sort of crisis. Treya's beauty and strength shine throughout the entire book proving Wilber's gifts as a talented writer. I am especially impressed that Wilber did not feel the need to gloss over and beautify the ugly moments that inevitably happen in such tragedies making the telling of his life with Treya's a profoundly human story.
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Diane Rooney
5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderful read
Reviewed in the United States on 11 August 2013
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Because I work in a hospital with children with Cancer, reading a book about it was the last thing I wanted to do. With the encouragement of a friend, I read it. I couldn't put it down. It is not really about Cancer but its a story, through one woman's experiences, about the relationship we all have with life threatening diseases. The relationship between Treya and her husband Ken is also inspiriting and enlightening. One learns of evolution of consciousness and spirit while being engrossed in the story of love.
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Pamela Maccabee
5.0 out of 5 stars ONE OF BEST BOOKS I EVER READ
Reviewed in the United States on 23 February 2015
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This book defies description, almost. I have never read a book so full of love, grief, and joy. I recommend it to everyone I know whether they are interested in spirituality or healing or "simply" living a deep and meaningful life. If I could take only one book with me into the afterlife, this would be the one. And if there is no afterlife, well, I have it here, right in my hot little hand ready for a second "read."
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Linda
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July 18, 2010
Recommended by a good friend I love and respect, a psychologist by profession and warm and sensitive spirit by nature, when she heard my brother was battling pancreatic cancer.
It took me a long time -- 3 years, actually -- to get to this book. I have to admit, the reason was that I was afraid to read it. My friend lent me her copy during the months when my brother was being treated for cancer, and I didn't know if I would be able to handle reading about someone who lost her own battle. I finally picked it up this year, and as fate would have it, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer while I was reading it. So much for avoiding reading it during a trying time in my life...
As it turns out, though, my fears were pretty well unfounded. As my friend had said herself, Grace and Grit was a very uplifting story of someone who was transformed over the course of her 5-year battle with recurring cancer, who reached a new level of understanding and peace in her life and served as an inspiration to all who knew her as well as to many who have read her story since.
The story is that of Treya Killam Wilber and her husband Ken Wilber, who meet and fall instantly in love, are married within months, and just weeks later are hit with the devastating news that Treya has been afflicted with breast cancer. Their 5 years together are dominated by Treya's health -- episodes of remission and recurrence, a wild array of treatments and approaches, the cancer's increasing aggressivity -- and their struggle as a couple as their love grows but their relationship is tested by the slings and arrows of their outrageous fortune. The book is also an examination of their spiritual progression, and much space is given over to explanations of spiritual seeking and practices from Ken Wilber, a well-known expert in the field of what most people would characterize as new-age-type spiritualty,
As a result, I would say that reading this is not for the faint of heart. Not, as you might expect, because of Treya's illness and treatment, but rather because of the spirituality/philosophy discussions, which are weighty, academic, and arcane, and far beyond most people's level of engagement with such things. I often found myself wishing I could excise away most of that discussion, and give much more time over to Treya's story. One of the nice parts of the book is that Ken includes excerpts from Treya's journals, and I would have enjoyed hearing even more of her voice. To be honest, Ken himself sometimes comes off in the book as someone who rather likes to hear himself speak -- although he does deserve much recognition for being stoically honest in owning up to some of his own failings as Treya's partner and caregiver, and he does not dress up his own mistakes.
The best and most interesting parts of the book were those that had to do with Treya. I have my own struggles with (against?) traditional religion, and I don't think that simply switching allegiances to other, more exotic or alternative spiritual paths is a solution to the problem. Having said that, since I didn't actually skip any part of the book, the spirituality parts did spark a few intriguing questions even for me, but it was not what I came to the book to get. Treya's journey, on the other hand, not only kept my interest engaged, but also, as a person with two close relatives affected by cancer, and conscious of the distinct possibility that I may one day face it myself, reading about Treya's experience opened new perspectives in my understanding of what my family members were/are experiencing, and encouraged me to contemplate many new questions regarding how I might want to go through such a situation myself. For example, when Treya gets her first diagnosis of cancer, she captures in her journal her feelings of untethered isolation and bewilderment at the future, writing simply:
"Should I prepare to live? Or should I prepare to die? I do not know. No one can tell me. They can give me figures, but no one can tell me." (p. 39)
Also, she often returns to the theme of the myriad meanings that we give to illness, and how we often subconsciously blame the patient for his or her own disease, even when that patient is ourselves. One lesson I hope to remember from Treya's story is this:
"Pain is not punishment, death is not a failure, life is not a reward." (p. 279)
Not having read any of Ken Wilber's 800,000 other books, I only have this one to judge his skill as a writer, but on the basis of this one, I'd have to say his ideas are a bit ahead of his writing skills, to put it mildly. The first and most important complaint I have about the writing itself is that I finished the book really feeling that Ken failed to show, rather than tell, his readers about the kind of person Treya was. Again and again, Ken remarks on how wonderful she was, how everybody not only loved her but was inspired, moved, transformed by her. However, he rarely if ever gives examples of this, and as such, it's really hard just to accept what he says at face value. I mean, I'm sure she was a nice person and all, but isn't everyone who is close to someone going to say, oh, she was such a wonderful person? Just telling me over and over again doesn't convince me that she was any more extraordinary than any other nice human being on the earth. If you really want to convince me, help me feel what was special about her. As my high school composition teacher taught us, use examples to make your point, illustrate with details.
Secondly, for all his new-age/advanced/evolved thinking, Ken comes off as a fair bit of a sexist. Of course, I'm sure he would say all the right things about women's rights and gender roles, etc., etc. But at the same time, throughout the book women -- but not men -- are always introduced with some comment about their good looks. It really felt like no woman who entered the narrative was described without reference to her physical beauty. And despite the obvious deep-soul connection Ken has with Treya, most descriptions of why he loves her or why he was attracted to her begin first with a comment about how beautiful she was. I found it really condescending and trivializing toward women. If he did the same thing with men, it would sound ridiculous -- it would sound as ridiculous as it is. Take this description of one woman, for example: "She was tall, statuesque, good-looking, with black hair, red lipstick, a red dress, and black high heels." Multiply that by a factor of about, oh, thirty, to cover virtually every new woman who comes into the story. Now imagine he said of a man they had just met: "He was tall, magnificent, handsome, with sandy hair, shiny white teeth, a blue suit, and black wingtips." Now multiply that by a factor of 30 and you'll get an idea of how silly and annoying it is to have to deal with that type of description of practically every woman in the book. Pretty basic stuff, Ken. Time to read up on a little feminism. To be fair, I do think this is largely unconscious on his part, but that still doesn't make it right.
Leaving aside the writing style, if you are a follower of Ken Wilber and/or the type of spirituality he focuses on, I'm sure you'll find much to love here. If you're not, there is still a lot to learn from in the book in terms of living with cancer. For example, the best explanation of chemotherapy I have ever come across can be found on page 132:
"Aside from surgery, the main forms of Western medicine's attack on cancer -- chemotherapy and radiation -- are based on a single principle: cancer cells are extremely fast-growing. They divide much more rapidly than any of the body's normal cells. Therefore, if you administer an agent to the body that kills cells when they divide, then you will kill some normal cells but many more cancer cells. That is what both radiation and chemotherapy do. Of course the normal cells in the body that grow more rapidly than others -- such as hair, stomach lining, and mouth tissue -- will also be killed more rapidly, hence accounting for frequent hair loss, stomach nausea, and so on. But the overall idea is simple: Since cancer cells grow twice as fast as normal cells, then at the end of a successful course of chemotherapy, the tumor is totally dead and the patient is only half-dead." [emphasis in original:]
Also, even though at 20 years out, the book is quite dated, you can still get a good feel for some alternative cancer treatments, as well as the difference between approaches to cancer treatment between cultures, especially with respect to the treatment Treya undergoes in Germany. For example, this description of conversations with Treya's doctor in Germany when asked about particular treatments used in the US:
" 'We don't do it because the quality of life is so much lower. You must never forget,' he said, 'around the tumor is a human being.' [. . . :] We asked him about another treatment that was popular in the States. 'No, we don't do that.' 'Why?' 'Because,' he said directly, 'it poisons the soul.' Here was the man famous for the most aggressive chemotherapy in the world, but there were things he simply would not do because they damaged the soul." (p. 288)
Finally, two more quotes that spoke to me:
(1) "Ken likes to say that the work we do on ourselves, whether it's psychological or spiritual, is not meant to get rid of the waves in the ocean of life but for us to learn how to surf." (p. 378) This was a nice way of putting an idea that is partially captured by sayings like "Don't sweat the small stuff" and "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." To me, the goal of life is contentment, and equanimity, and it would seem that a sure path to a discontented, dissatisfied life is to spend your days trying to stop the waves.
(2) "To forgive others for insults, real or imagined, is to weaken the boundary between self and other, to dissolve the sense of separation between subject and object." (p. 158). When I read this, I thought not so much of forgiveness, but of my field, grassroots rights work and community organizing. Real help for oppressed people comes from a compassion that is rooted in solidarity -- I am not helping you with your struggles; rather, your struggle is my struggle. It reminds me of the quote, well-known among activists, from Lila Watson, member of an Aboriginal women's rights group: "If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." Real help comes from dissolving the separation between us and them, betwen subject and object. Without this solidarity, what you have is not compassion; it is patronizing, it is paternalism.
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Rob
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February 18, 2009
My dear cousin lent me her copy of this book a few months back and at the time told me it was one of her all-time favorite books -- now after completing it myself -- I completely understand why.
This has to be one of the most emotionally touching and spiritually rewarding books I have ever read. As well as one of the most sincere and amazing love stories I could ever imagine.
It offers such personal insight into the dying process - but even more so into how that process can change ones perspective on how to truly live.
Absolutely beautiful.
It definitely has left me with a new appreciation for the love I have in my life and for our capacity to change. Our capacity to grow. To improve. To help. And to love.
The understanding that we are here for a higher purpose.
Like my cousin - it has found its way onto my all-time favorite list.
Beautiful.
2009
all-time-favorites
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Jaime
19 reviews
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September 29, 2007
written 7/7/04 after the death of my son isaak:
i just returned from warm sun rays in the back yard and a finished book that left me in tears. an old love sent this book to me, and the more i read it, the more reasoning for its arrival comes clear.
i can`t fully explain the emotion that sits upon my chest at the moment. but i can share a few passages that may make its way through.
from the book titled `grace and grit,' written by both ken wilber and his lost love treya.
these were her last moments here. on this planet...
`Her entire countenance lit up. She glowed. And right in front of my eyes her body began to change. Within one hour, it looked to me as if she lost ten pounds. It was as if her body, acquiescing to her will, began to shrink and draw in on itself.`
`The noble Goethe had a beautiful line: "all things ripe want to die."`
and it was this that boiled over in the form of tears. i held my son isaak as he passed. and this was the case, truly, of my experience with him. his lasts breaths were smile full. he was lit up knowing he was ok. knowing his time was granted and safely said good bye because he was surrounded by love. and his goodbye was not a forever departure, but that of time simply in between.
i was scared, i was angry, and sad like you could never imagine. but it`s these moments that its reality becomes more and more clear. more ok to bare. more ok to live fully, and yes, without him.
this life has been a curioous one. for sure.
i send love to him. through this, through me. forever...
and ever.
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Erica
64 reviews
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October 15, 2008
I gave up on this one. Although parts of this book really appealed to me (I especially enjoyed the reflections on eastern and western philosophy and religion) I couldn't stand Ken Wilber's self-importance. For a book about spirituality and healing he seemed rather full of himself. Also, I was floored that he didn't dedicate at least more than one paragraph to when he hit/beat Treya. Not saying he needed to dwell on it or dedicate a chapter to it, but for being such an unsettling moment, he could have allowed some reflection on how that moment my have impacted Treya, himself or their relationship.
memoirs_autobiographies_etc
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randy
56 reviews
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August 31, 2012
It is right there in the title, you know it is coming, Treya's death. You are pretty sure you will be ready for it, but it hits you like a typhoon, and you can not even stand for a long while after you read it. You know if it was a real typhoon, you would have drowned. SO yeah, this is an intense book, a very meaningful, intense book.
And before I sing it's praises, I must say I recommend this to anyone with a chronic illness or those caring for someone who has one. If this describes you: MAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS.
And if you are at all curious about confronting the fears you might have towards death: READ THIS BOOK.
In one of the late chapters of this, they (even though this is credited to just Ken Wilber, it is written by both he and his late wife Treya, and at times it is hard to tell whose voice is speaking) relate to meditation as practicing for death. I can not argue that in the slightest. And this whole book is both a love story between two people who obviously love each other more than the characters do in all the romantic comedies you have ever read/seen combined, but it is also practicing for dying. And this is really something to read. Something you clearly do not see much, if any, of in other books.
Imagine 10 days after marring the man of your dreams, starting chemo for the breast cancer they discovered. This is Treya's story. Rather than sunning herself in Hawaii she has her breast removed and begins a rigorous round of chemo. That seems a pretty remarkable story in and of itself, but she uses "cancer as a prompt to 'change those things in your life that need changing.'" And this is where the real story of healing and growth comes from.
As you can tell from the title, here healing is not the same as being cured. She never fully expels the cancer from her body, and it finally consumes her, but... she makes it extremely clear that cancer did incredible things for her, helped her grow and become a more fully realized person. A complete person.
And for anyone that may say her healing was incomplete, she confronts that very well: "I sometimes feel that those around me will judge my success or failure depending on how long I live, rather than on how I live. Of course I want to live a long time, but if it's short, I don't want to be judged a failure." And she certainly was not a failure, in her five year battle she begins to practice something she calls passionate equanimity: "to be fully passionate about all aspects of life, about one's relationship with spirit, to care to the depths of one's being but with no trace of clinging or holding, that's what the phrase has come to mean to me. It feels full, rounded, complete, and challenging."
And while you read about her embracing the joy all around her, even as tumors are causing her to go blind and when she can no longer walk up the stairs or even stand, you know there is something remarkable about this healing. It may not have been perfect for her body, but it sure was for her mental and emotional health.
As I said before, this was an incredibly hard book to get though. The passages about the chemo forced me to walk away quite a few times. But by the end of the book, while I was sobbing at the pitch of a flash flood, I was far more able to read and be present with her death, as I took away some lessons about passionate equanimity from her. It is a horribly sad story, but she and Ken embrace it with such joy, even the darkest hours.
I would love to be doing this better, and I think I may be just a bit too close to this illness to, so just read it instead.
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Manny Furious
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5 books
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April 16, 2010
I'm reading this book for class. It's not my favorite book. I want to like it, for I think it should have something somewhat profound to say about death, dying and the "mystical" experience. But Wilber comes off as being highly impressed by his own ideas... and, from my perspective at least, he seems to misunderstand some of the teachings he's trying to interpret. Or, at least, he picks and chooses the interpretations he likes and manipulates other info so that it fits into his own ideas.
Basically, I personally find the beauty of the descriptions of mystical experiences to be most intense when they're least pretentious. Hence my fascination with Chinese Taoism, Cha'an and Japanese Zen. Highly unpretentious practices/philosophies. Ken and Treya on the hand are highly pretentious. And for a couple of people who are determined to see past the ego, they sure seem to enjoy basking in their own. Everything is "I", "I", "I" and "me", "me", "me". I also find it somewhat humorous that Ken never seems to pass up an opportunity to include a statement from someone calling things like a "genius" or a "man of astounding intellectual breadth", yada, yada, yada, etc.
What I do like about the book is that the love story between Ken and Treya at times is highly touching. Also, the story of Treya's bout with cancer is also touching and heart breaking.
In short, the actual narrative is fairly engaging. It's all the half-baked new-age philosophizing that rubs me the wrong way.
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Tess Martin-Fox
4 reviews
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January 31, 2022
felt like i knew Treya through the reading of this book, and am better off for that.
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Lisa J Shultz
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15 books
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April 23, 2018
Reading this book took a long time and some effort. Was it worth it in the end? Yes. However, I wish the book was more focused on Treya's life and death than being interrupted in a few chapters by Ken Wilbur's "technical information", as he puts it. That information seemed better suited for another book by itself. So I skipped those sections for the most part as the author himself suggested people could do without missing a thing.
I became exhausted by reading the extensive measures that Treya took to beat her cancer. I don't know how one can endure so many treatments. My own biases for simplicity arose but who am I to judge another's path? I did want to quote Treya from page 343: "My main advice is always to beware being knocked off center by what doctors say (they can be terribly convincing about what they do and terribly closed-minded about non-traditional approaches), to take the quiet time to be clear about what you want and what you are intuitively drawn to, and to make a choice you feel is yours, a choice you can stand by no matter what the outcome. If I die, I have to know it is by my own choices."
I looked up a video of her speaking shortly before she passed away. She said, "Because I can no longer ignore death, I pay more attention to life." I think if readers and myself grasp that line and live it, the arduous dedication to finishing this book is worth it.
By the way, my reviews are usually much shorter. This book and this review took more time than I typically spend in reading and reviewing. Perhaps that says something in and of itself.
end-of-life
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Lauro Chapa
16 reviews
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April 15, 2024
I've never cried this much in my entire life, fuck you. And thanks. I needed it.
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Hanna
10 reviews
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August 31, 2025
trudno mi było ją skończyć ale ogólnie bardzo bardzo piękna książka i warte przeczytania
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