Interview_Tara_Brach ALLOW LIFE TO BE JUST AS IT IS”

Flow_Mindfulness-Interview_Tara_Brach.pdf

ALLOW LIFE TO BE JUST AS IT IS”

—Tara Brach

Clinical psychologist and mindfulness coach Tara Brach has known

hardships: a mother who struggled with addiction, a miscarriage and

a painful chronic illness. These difficulties, however, led her to find

mindfulness, which has changed her life and helps her to help others.

She shares her insights in her book True Refuge.

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When Ego Meets Non-Ego

Western psychology and Buddhism—together they offer us a complete diagnosis of the human condition. AndreA Miller talks to three psychotherapists who  are combining them into a powerful path to love and fulfillment

 

for mental well-being, clear seeing, and healthy relationships.

When asked what she views as the essential common ground between Western psychology and Buddhism, Brach says it’s their understanding that suffering comes from the parts of our being that are not recognized and embraced in the light of awareness. “What the two traditions share,” she says, “is shining a light on the rejected, unprocessed parts of the psyche.”

Brach is a clinical psychologist, the founder of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, D.C., and the author of Radical Acceptance. The inspiration for her new book, True Refuge, was her illness.

When she was mourning the loss of her physical abilities, she became aware of a profound longing to love life no matter what. “I wanted the awakened heart,” she says, “which would allow me to embrace this world—the living world, the dying world, the whole thing.” 

Brach calls that kind of acceptance and inner freedom “true refuge.” It’s true, she writes in her book, “because it does not depend on anything outside ourselves—a certain situation, a person, a cure, even a particular mood or emotion.” 

According to Brach, true refuge has three gateways: truth, love, and awareness. 

1. “Truth,” explains Brach, “is the understanding or realization that comes out of being present with the life that’s right here and now. 
2. Love is bringing presence to the domain of the heart, the domain of relationships, and the realization that arises out of that is interconnectedness. 
3. Then awareness is when we bring presence to the formless awakeness that is right here. When we discover the refuge of our own formless being, that’s awareness waking up to itself.”

 

“Truth, love, and awareness” is Brach’s secularized articulation of the three jewels of Buddhism—

1. the teacher, Buddha; 
2. the teaching, dharma; and 
3. the community, sangha. 

She’s opted for this nonreligious language because she feels the search for true refuge and its three gateways are universal. 

In the context of Buddhism, 

• truth is dharma,
•  love is sangha, and 
• awareness is Buddha. 

But in Christian terms, claims Brach,

•  “the Father is awareness, 
• the Son is the living truth of this moment-to-moment experience, and 
• when awareness and moment-to-moment experience are in relationship, there is love, which is the Holy Ghost.”

without adding more judgment.

 Then she engaged in “I” and investigated the tight knot in her chest. “I asked that tight knot what it believed,” says Brach. “And its views were that nobody was cooperating with my agenda for having a harmonious time and I was falling short. It believed that my son is the one who’s not doing such-and-such and it’s my fault that so-and-so is not getting along.”

Brach breathed into the place that was upset and sent a message of gentleness and kindness inward. That enabled some space, some tenderness, to open up inside. Then the “N” of RAIN—resting in the natural state of awareness—was able to unfold effortlessly. Now when she brought to mind the different members of her family, Brach could still see their neuroses but no longer felt aversion or judgment. These family members were her loved ones. 

RAIN invites a shift in identity, says Brach.

It helps transform an angry, blaming person into a tender presence that gently holds whatever’s going on. “That’s the gift of Buddhism,” 

“What these two traditions share,” Tara Brach says, “is shining a light on the rejected, unprocessed parts Brach concludes.

 “The whole fruit of our path and practice is to wake up from who we thought we were, which is usually separate and deficient 

In her own life, Brach began regularly implementing RAIN when she realized how much separation she created between herself and others whenever she judged, resented, or blamed people or situations, even subtly. 

To explain how RAIN is practiced, she offers an example from her own life: Brach went on holiday with her family and found herself “down on everybody for all their different neuroses, even the family dog for begging at the table.” So she put on her parka, headed outside for a walk, and 

started with “R,” recognize. Annoyed, irritated, blaming—she recognized how she was feeling. 

Moving on to “A,” she allowed those feelings to be there, of the psyche.”

To help us connect more deeply to our own inner life, with each other, and with the world around us, Brach teaches a technique called RAIN. This acronym, originally coined by Vipassana teacher Michele McDonald, stands for: 

1. Recognize what is happening; 
2. Allow life to be just as it is; 
3. Investigate inner experience with kindness; and 
4. rest in the Natural state of awareness or nonidentification.

in some way, and to rest in the vastness of heart and awareness that is our true nature.”

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When couples come in to see psychotherapist John Welwood, they often begin by complaining, “We’re so different.” 

“Well, guess what?” says Welwood. “That’s called relationship.” Both globally and personally, we tend to feel threatened by difference. Yet it’s possible to celebrate it and learn from it.

Welwood is a longtime Vajrayana Buddhist who is the author of groundbreaking books such as Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships and Toward a Psychology of Awakening. Like Brach, he believes that humanity’s fundamental problem is that people are disconnected from their true nature. He adds that while this is a spiritual articulation, it is also accurate psychologically. He believes that this disconnection from our true nature happens in relationship, starting when we are children.

Growing up, we are dependent on parents and other adults who are themselves disconnected. Through neglect, abuse, or simply lack of attunement, they transmit disconnection to us. “This is the beginning of relational wounding,” says Welwood. “The child doesn’t feel fully seen, valued, or loved for who they are. Now, you could say, ‘Well, it’s an imperfect world and nobody gets the ideal love,’ and that’s probably true, but not getting it does leave psychological scarring.” For some people, the wounds are minor and readily workable; for others, the wounds are deep and lead to complete dysfunction. 

Relational wounding creates a sense of deficiency inside, which we try to compensate for by proving that we really are loveable—that we really are good or strong or smart. Theoretically it is possible to heal these wounds without the help of a therapist, but practically speaking, says Welwood, “it’s not realistic—just the same way the spiritual path isn’t easy to do on your own.”

The healing power of therapy, he asserts, lies largely in the relationship between the therapist and client. It’s so rare for us to experience being truly seen and related to by another human being that the therapeutic relationship “is like stepping into a healing bath,” he says. “You’re suddenly in an environment where it’s all oriented toward supporting you, hearing you, being with you, valuing you. Because that’s so much needed in our body and mind, we soak it up.” 

But is therapy’s focus on me and my personal story at odds with the Buddhist teachings of no-self? Welwood doesn’t think so. Most of us believe in a false self—the conditioned separate self or ego structure, which defends itself against threats and is a purely conceptual construction. When Buddhism says there is no self, that’s what it’s referring to. But then, says Welwood, there is the true person. open and boundless, it grows out of the understanding of no self, yet has the capacity to lead a full, personal life that’s attuned to relative reality.

“If you just live in the realm of no self,” asks Welwood, “then how do you work with relative situations? The essence of our humanness is relatedness. If you’re in a human relationship, you’ve got to process that relationship. You and your partner have got to talk about what you each like and don’t like, what is hurtful, and what is most important or meaningful to you. From the point of view of pure being, there’s no self and no other—there’s just being. But on the level of the person, you’re different than I am. If we’re going to be able to relate to each other, we really have to get know each other. That’s part of learning to be in a relationship.” 

When asked why intimate relationships so often press our buttons, Welwood turns the question around. “What is the button?” he says. “The button is our relational wounding. If your buttons are pressed, the question is, what is getting triggered? So instead of focusing on the other person and what they’re doing to you or not doing for you, focus on what aspect of the wound is getting touched.” If you understand how things that happened 

It is possible to heal our wounds without a therapist but, says John Welwood, “it’s not realistic—just the same way the spiritual path isn’t easy to do on your own.” 

“Happiness or enlightenment is not some-   thing that takes place in our brains,” Barry   Magid says. “They are functions of a   whole person living a whole life.”

in the past are feeding your feelings in the present moment, then you might find the situation to be more workable.

Marriage, in Welwood’s words, can be like a crucible or alchemical container in which substances are mixed together and transformed. In marriage as a conscious relationship, the container is the commitment to stay with it no matter how difficult it is, the willingness “to bring awareness to whatever is going on, rather than acting out your conditioned patterns from the past. You take everything, all the challenges in the relationship, as opportunities to become more fully awake, to become more fully present, loving, and giving.” The transformation generated between the two people leads to a deep transformation within each of them.

one critical ingredient for healthy intimate relationships is a realistic sense of their limitations: relationships cannot in and of themselves fill the hole of love created in childhood. In Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, Welwood teaches that we need to learn how to be there for ourselves and recognize that our lives are held in an absolute love. To tap into this love, he offers this six-step exercise:

(1) Settle into your body. Sitting or lying down, take a few deep breaths. 

(2) Turn your attention toward some way in which you feel cut off from love in your life right now and see how that lack feels in your body. 

(3) Without trying to get anything from anybody in particular, open to the pure energy of your longing to feel more connected. Deeply feel the energy in this longing. 

(4) See if you can feel the longing in your heart center and soften your crown center, which is at the top and back of your head.

(5) Notice if there is any presence of love available now. Don’t think about it too hard or fabricate what isn’t there. But if there is some love or warmth at hand, let it enter you. Give yourself ample time to be with whatever you’re experiencing and keep in mind that the presence of absolute love may be very subtle, like being held in a gentle embrace.

(6) Instead of holding yourself up, let love be your ground. Allow yourself to melt.

Welwood came up with this practice because of his own needs. Working with it, he quickly felt profound changes— so much so that he believed he’d never again need love from people in the same way. “I experienced a new kind of trust and relaxation in knowing that I could have my own direct access to perfect love whenever I needed it,” he writes. “My investment in grievance diminished, along with tendencies to expect others to provide ideal love.”

Yet this practice did not prove to be a panacea—nothing is— and Welwood eventually found himself slipping back into old relational expectations. It did, however, leave him with the genuine knowledge that something else was possible. “This served as a polestar,” he concludes, “in guiding me toward seeing what I still need to work on to free myself further.”

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When people ask Barry Magid what the difference is between psychoanalysis and psychotherapy, he wryly asserts that psychoanalysis doesn’t help anyone.

“This dovetails with the idea of no gain in Zen,” says Magid, who is a psychoanalyst, a psychiatrist, and the founder of The ordinary Mind Zendo in New York. “psychotherapies in a broad sense can be thought of as problem-solving techniques and are very useful as such. In contrast, Zen is not a technique and is not a means to an end. Zen may literally be the only useless thing we do, and this uselessness is actually the essence of Zen being a religious practice. We experience the moment, ourselves, and life itself exclusively for its own sake, and this is the basis of reverence.” Zen is an expression of who we are.

Likewise, psychoanalysis—the classical technique developed by Freud—is an open-ended process in which we stay with our experience without any idea where it’s going to lead. This is the opposite of self-help or self-improvement. Yet paradoxically, it’s profoundly transformative. once we really give up trying to change, real change can occur.

According to Magid, both Zen and psychoanalysis stir up feelings—good and bad—and offer a stable container in which to face them. on the analysis side, the container is the analyst-client relationship. In the zendo, the container is the structure, the setting, and the sitting. Zen students literally sit still with whatever comes up, whether it’s physical or emotional. Both disciplines, in essence, are about staying with a bigger range of experience than we usually want to tolerate; they just do it in two different contexts.

 In Magid’s opinion, “No matter what anyone says, the reason we come to Buddhist practice is that at some level we’re doing it to get rid of an aspect of the self we don’t want to deal with. We might say our aim is to become wiser and more compassionate, but usually what we really want is to get rid of our anxiety, our vulnerability, our anger, and those aspects of sexuality that are troublesome. practice then becomes a way of having one part of ourselves fighting another—one part is trying to throw another part overboard in the name of selflessness.”

 When people practice meditation in this way, says Magid, “something about them ends up feeling dead. They feel like they’ve practiced for a long time, but have failed because they’ve never been able to get rid of…fill in the blank.” Yet practice isn’t intended to get rid of anything. practice should be a way to let everything stay just as it is.

In his book Ordinary Mind, Magid says practicing zazen for the purpose of affecting change is like exercising because you think you’re overweight. If your motivation is to squelch an aspect of yourself that repels you and to actualize an image of yourself that you desire, then you will have to exert continual effort. Yet if you practice or exercise because you feel that doing so is a natural part of the day and because somehow it makes you feel “more like yourself,” then no gaining idea will be necessary to motivate you.

As Magid sees it, neuroscience has been used to fuel the idea that meditation is a means to an end, and he finds this worrisome. “If we think that what we want is to be in a particular brain state, then meditation becomes a means to get into that state, and we start asking if meditation is indeed the most efficient means,” he says. “Maybe we start to wonder if we couldn’t just bypass a lot of that really boring sitting by taking the right pill. And now we’re down a road of thinking that what we’re trying to do is get into a particular subjective state and stay there. But in meditation—and in analysis—we’re trying to learn to not prefer, to not cling to any one state. Similarly, happiness or enlightenment is not something that takes place in our brains. Happiness and enlightenment are functions of a whole person living a whole life.”

Yet in the face of depression and anxiety, Magid does not eschew medication. The real issue “is what someone needs in order to sit still and stay with their own experience. If someone is obsessively ruminating or chronically anxious, that blocks any other kind of experience.” So the use of prozac or another medication may allow some people to experience states of mind beyond the ones they’re stuck in. “I think people are often worried about not being able to do it all on their own or being dependent on medication,” Magid adds. “But nobody’s doing anything on their own. There’s no such thing as autonomy. To enable us to practice, we all rely on the group, the teacher, the tradition—all sorts of things. If for some people medication is what enables them to practice, I have no problem with it.”

Charlotte Beck, Magid’s late teacher, received the Japanese name “Joko” from her Zen teacher, Maezumi Roshi, yet she did not continue the practice of giving students Buddhist names. Magid, however, has adopted the tradition—with a twist. In a ceremony, he gives his students not a special, foreign name, but rather their real name. The one they already use every day. This is his reminder that practice and ordinary life are one and the same. ♦

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Tara Brach on Mindfulness, Psychotherapy and Awakening

Tara Brach on Mindfulness, Psychotherapy and Awakening


Tara Brach on Mindfulness, Psychotherapy and Awakening
by Deb Kory

Buddhist meditation teacher and clinical psychologist, Tara Brach, PhD, discusses her evolution as a clinical psychologist and spiritual teacher, the painful illness that inspired her latest book, her commitment to help heal the planet and to love life—no matter what.

FILED UNDER: Integrative, Mindfulness, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Eating Disorders, Trauma/PTSD
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IN THIS INTERVIEW…
What is Mindfulness
Meditation and Psychotherapy
The Alive Zone
The Trance of Bad Personhood
Will This Serve?
What We Talk About When We Talk About Love
The Squeeze
No Mud, No Lotus
Awakening to the World's Suffering
RAIN

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What is Mindfulness
DEB KORY: In this day and age a lot of people are throwing around the term mindfulness. Many therapists—particularly in the Bay Area—describe their approach as “mindfulness-based,” but I have a feeling that most people don't actually know what that means. What exactly is mindfulness? What does it mean to be a mindfulness-based therapist?


TARA BRACH:
Mindfulness is a way of paying attention moment-to-moment to what's happening within and around us without judgment.Mindfulness is a way of paying attention moment-to-moment to what's happening within and around us without judgment. So, said differently, when we attend to the moment-to-moment flow of experience, and recognize what's happening…fully allowing it, not adding judgment or commentary, then we are cultivating a mindful awareness.
DK: So, it's non-judgmental awareness of the present moment?
TB: That's another way to say it, yes.
DK: How does that relate to being a mindfulness-based psychotherapist? What does that mean?
TB: It means that intrinsic to the psychotherapy is a valuing of cultivating that kind of attention, and an encouragement of the person you're working with to cultivate it, and a use of it yourself. It can be sometimes formally woven into the therapy, but sometimes it's just implicit.

Meditation and Psychotherapy
DK: Where does meditation come in? Is that a necessary part of mindfulness work?
TB: Meditation is the deliberate training of attention. So, when you do a mindfulness meditation, you are deliberately cultivating mindfulness by using strategies to enter the present moment and to let go of judgment and so on.
DK: So, it's a way to help cultivate awareness of the present moment, and I would imagine that's especially important for therapists. Does that mean that you actually do meditation in your sessions with people?
TB: Well, some people do, and some people don't. I'm not in active clinical practice right now. I was, for several decades, seeing clients regularly and then turned to mostly writing and teaching and training therapists in how to weave mindfulness into their practice. So, I'm no longer seeing clients myself, but when I did see clients and when I work with people and do sessions that are related to meditation training—I would often, as part of a process of them getting in touch with what was going on inside them, invite them to pause and just simply use a period of time to quiet the mind, to just notice the changing flow of experience, or maybe to do a particular compassion practice. So, I would weave particular styles of meditation into a therapy session.
DK: Would you suggest that people do it in their day-to-day lives also?
TB: It very much depends on the client that you're working with. For some people, talking about meditation, suggesting that they meditate, is a set-up for failure and shame. They'll try to comply because they think, "Oh, Tara is this well known meditation teacher and this is what she's into, so I should do it," and so on; whereas it's not a fit for them at that particular time.
Many therapists already, just by the nature of who they are, have a natural sense of coming into presence and a deep sensitivity to other people, but all of us get help by training.

So there were many people I would see where it would be much more of an implicit part of the process. I'd be encouraging attention to what was going on in the moment, encouraging them to just notice their experience without adding any story—all things that we would associate with meditation practice without saying, "Hey, we're meditating." What makes meditation meditation is that it's an intentional process of paying attention on purpose to the present moment.


DK: And it doesn't necessarily mean sitting in the lotus pose, right? It's something that you can do in your daily life walking out in the world?
TB: Absolutely. Meditation is a training of attention that you can do in any posture, at any moment, doing anything that you're doing on the planet. In fact, for us to have the fruits of meditation, we have to be able to take it out of a compartment or a particular context and have it just be, you know, here's Deborah and Tara doing a Skype call. So, we're not leaving meditation behind just because we're in the midst of an activity.

DK: Thanks, that helps me relax a little bit!
TB: Yeah, it helps to name what we're doing. I think psychotherapy and meditation are incredibly synergistic and they fill in for each other in some important domains. There are many things that come up when we're meditating that we really actually don't have the resilience or the focus to untangle, and a therapist can help us do that. The relationship itself, a trusting respectful relationship, creates a sense of safety that can enable us to unpack things that we might not be able to work on when we're on our own, especially if there's trauma.


There are increasing numbers of people who are recognizing they have trauma in their bodies, and when they start to meditate and feel like they're kind of coming close to that, they can get flooded, overwhelmed.There are increasing numbers of people who are recognizing they have trauma in their bodies, and when they start to meditate and feel like they're kind of coming close to that, they can get flooded, overwhelmed. In therapy it's possible for people to establish safety and stability so that they can just begin to put their toe in the water and go back and forth between being with the therapist and touching into their resourcefulness and then dipping a little into the places in their body and their heart where they're feeling this more traumatic wounding. That kind of a process, if we tried it on our own just in a meditation setting, could potentially re-traumatize us.
DK: So the therapist offers a safe container for the traumatic feelings.

TB: Yes, and the relationship that really enables a person to have the support in untangling. What meditation offers to therapy is a systematic way of training the attention. Where the therapist might help a person focus and stay focused on the present moment when encountering a painful issue, meditation training teaches us to do it on our own. It builds that muscle of being able to come back to this moment, even if it connects us with something we have habitually resisted.

Meditation also trains us to, on our own, get the knack of offering ourselves compassion or forgiveness so that we can leave the therapy setting and continue in a kind of transformational way to be with the contents of our own psyche and wake up from limiting beliefs and the painful emotions.
DK: It seems at least as important for the therapist to have that ability to stay present, because there's a transmission that happens. There is an energetic quality to what we do.
TB: Exactly right. Many therapists already, just by the nature of who they are, have a natural sense of coming into presence and a deep sensitivity to other people, but all of us get help by training. All of us.

The Alive Zone
DK: One of the things I was going to ask you was about how you differentiated your roles as psychotherapist and spiritual teacher, but you’ve said you actually are no longer in clinical practice. What led to that decision to leave that particular role and go more into teaching and writing?
TB: Well, I had done clinical practice for many years and, I think, the place where I felt most needed and most alive is in the process of teaching people how to wake up their hearts and minds, and with that I mean both the practices and the whole inquiry about what really serves freedom. That realm was much more alive for me. For many, many people—most of us I'd say—meditation and therapy are incredibly juicy. They weave together beautifully. So it wasn't that I was thinking therapy wasn't an alive zone—it was just that I had put my energies really into the teaching side of things, and I was writing and that took a lot of time.
DK: Aren't there some areas of the profession that are a little bit deadening though? I'm just about to get licensed myself after an 8-year-long process, and I have been somewhat disheartened at times by the way the profession is organized—its restrictions, the whole 50-minute-hour, the billing and diagnosing, the legal and ethical structures that can at times seem very fear-based and a bit paranoid. I'm curious about what might have felt restricting to you.
TB: Well, the culture does not support the kind of processes of transformation that I'm most excited about, and they take time and immersion. I love retreat settings where people can really give themselves to a very deep attention. I like working with people when there is a longer period of time for people to be together and really have the inquiry and the experience, have the time to unfold. So, as you mentioned, with the slot of a 50-minute-hour, there's a kind of rigidity that is necessary in some ways, but not so much to my liking.
DK: In my experience—and I live in Berkeley, CA, which is considered progressive and rather “woo woo”—spirituality and religion were not incorporated into our professional training. We aren't taught to value it except in a kind of multicultural, “let’s be tolerant of other points of view” kind of way. There's an emphasis on scientific methodology, assessment, empirically validated research, etc., that feels very split off from what you’re talking about. I wonder if that was your experience at all?
TB: Well, what's alive about therapy is the therapeutic relationship and, like any other two humans connecting, nothing can really flatten that. If you know you want to show up and be with somebody and really know that you're there to see the goodness in the other person, you're there to help recognize the patterns that are getting in the way, you're there to hold a container moving through difficult material—that all is beautiful, and that can happen regardless of the structure around it.

That said, I find that I do that more effectively with people in sessions that are more focused on how to bring meditation to difficult experiences. My interest is not so much to do with coping strategies or too much emphasis on the storyline;
I'm more interested in our potential to realize the full truth of who we are beyond the story of a separate self. Most therapy is not geared in that direction.I'm more interested in our potential to realize the full truth of who we are beyond the story of a separate self. Most therapy is not geared in that direction. People that end up working with me, or working individually with me doing what I might call spiritual counseling, are kind of a self-selected group of people that are interested in a more transpersonal kind of work--not in any way to ignore the issues of the personal self, but to have the personal be a portal to the universal, and an expression of our awake heart and awareness.

DK: Where did you go to get your degree in clinical psychology?
TB: I did my undergraduate work at Clarke University, and I did my graduate degree at Fielding Institute, which is out on the West Coast in Santa Barbara.
DK: What was your plan at the time?
TB: Well, even then—I had lived in an ashram for 10 years—I was approaching psychotherapy in a very holistic way. I was doing yoga, teaching yoga, and weaving yoga and meditation into any work I did with people. So I've always been blending East and West together, right from the get-go.

My plan was to keep doing this, to be able to have a degree so I could afford to have this as a profession. I have a fascination with the psyche. I mean, I'm totally interested in how we create limiting realities about ourselves, and our capacity to see beyond the veil to the vastness and mystery of who we are. So my plan was just to keep on weaving these worlds together in whatever way would be most alive.

The Trance of Bad Personhood
DK: I read somewhere that you wrote your dissertation on eating disorders?
TB: Yeah. I had struggled with an eating disorder for a good number of years—probably 5 years—and meditation was really helpful; basically, it taught me how to pause. There's a wonderful saying that between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in that space is our power and our freedom. That's Viktor Frankl. So the practice of meditation taught me how to pause and open mindfully to the space so that there'd be a craving or fear, but there would be some space between that and action.

It also taught me a lot about self-compassion. I found that addiction is fueled by blaming ourselves. In Buddhism, they call it “the second arrow.”
The first arrow is the craving or the fear or whatever; the second arrow is, "I'm a bad person for having these feelings or doing these behaviors."The first arrow is the craving or the fear or whatever; the second arrow is, "I'm a bad person for having these feelings or doing these behaviors." The “bad person” arrow actually locks us into the very behaviors that are causing suffering. So, in both Radical Acceptance and True Refuge, I emphasize a lot about how to wake up from that trance of bad personhood.
DK: One of the things I like about your work is that it's very integrative. I get a sense that you're really open to cognitive science, to philosophy, to various wisdom traditions, to 12-step programs—essentially to whatever seems to work for people. As someone who has benefited a great deal from the twelve-step model, I’m also well aware that it doesn’t work for everyone and that we have to have a big tool box available to help clients—particularly those struggling with powerful addictions. What’s your approach when working with addicts?
TB: Well, my inquiry is always, what have you been exploring and what helps? Humans are really resourceful, so I always try to find out what works for you. Of course, there are so many different approaches. I did my dissertation on binge-eating and meditation practice, but it became very clear to me that without having a relational component, without having a group and people to support you, nothing would hold. Whether it's a 12-step group or in the Buddhist communities we have the kalyana mitta groups, or spiritual friends groups—the great gift is that we really get that suffering is universal, that we're not alone in it, that it's not so personal, that there's hope, there are ways that we wake up out of it, and that we're there for each other. We're kind of in it together.
If there's any medicine in the whole world, it's that sense of belonging, of connection with others.If there's any medicine in the whole world, it's that sense of belonging, of connection with others.

I think that on the spiritual path, meditation—learning to be here in the present moment—is critical; but equally essential and interdependent is the domain of sangha, or community. We need to discover who we are in relationship with others. Whether it is addiction or any other form of suffering, a mindful relationship with our inner life and with each other is what de-conditions the contracted beliefs, feelings and resultant behaviors.

What gives hope is described in recent science as neuroplasticity. The patterns in our mind that sustain suffering can be transformed. And how we pay attention is the key agent. A kind and lucid attention untangles the tangles!

Will This Serve?
DK: In your work, you really make a concerted effort to share your own fallibility, and I think that for psychotherapists that's a really tough one. I feel quite committed to that in my own practice, and yet I notice that I’m often pulled to frame things as, “long, long ago, when I was sick,” you know? But I’m not that old, so it couldn’t have been that long ago.
TB: Right…as long as there's a 10-year gap between now and when I was really confused…
DK: Exactly. So it’s something I really try to work on, because I know in my own experiences as a client in therapy and in supervision, that I feel safest and most connected when people are willing to share with me not just that they were screwed up in the past, but that they're still screwed up, because we all are.
TB: Yeah, the vulnerability, the fear, the shame—it all continues to rise throughout life. I’ve made that kind of vulnerable sharing a deliberate practice for a few reasons. One is, it's the truth. I mean, there's no way there's not going to be projection when you're a teacher or a therapist, but I really feel like mindfully sharing about our personal foibles serves. I regularly get caught up in self-centered thoughts, impatience, irritability, anxiety, the whole neurotic range. And…the truth is that I've been blessed to have increasing freedom, you know? That pain and difficulty and stuff keeps arising, but so does a mindful, compassionate way of relating to what’s happening. The result is there's less and less of a sense that it's happening to a self or caused by a self. I know how valuable it is for people to see that as a therapist or as a teacher that you have a certain amount of happiness or freedom in your life and that you're still working on things. It gives hope.
DK: Yes, it's a fine balance.
TB: It's a fine balance. I think the inquiry is always, will this serve? We're not doing it to unload; we're not doing it to be a certain kind of person. It's just, will this serve? But, I have found for myself that leaning in that direction is usually beneficial.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love
DK: You also talk a lot about love. I felt very clearly that I came into the profession in order to practice love—to practice it and to practice it, learn about it. But in my training, I literally never heard the word uttered. I made a point to bring it into discussions at school and at training sites, but in my experience it was a lot easier for people to talk about hate—“hate in the counter-transference” and love as just “positive countertransference.” Obviously there have been terrible abuses of power by therapists in the name of love, but it seems like the response has been an over-correction, and has left us without a proper vocabulary for what we are actually doing.
TB: Well, as you were speaking, I was thinking that it's beginning to change. That's the good news, Deborah. I mean, there is so much research now on self-compassion and compassion for others. There are universities like Stanford, which has a whole institute—The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education (CCARE)—dedicated to compassion studies. Compassion is love when we experience another person's vulnerability or suffering. Love, in terms of loving-kindness, is described as love when we see the goodness in what we cherish. Gratitude and appreciation and love and beauty are all words and places, domains of attention that are actually becoming more common in the psychotherapeutic community.

And I feel like it's really important that we consciously take this one on. For instance, I have made a point of talking about prayer and talking about calling on the beloved and calling on loving presence when I feel very, very separate…really reaching out to that which feels like a source of loving presence and then discovering it wasn't outside of me, but I first have to go through the motions. So it starts with a dualistic sense, and then it ends up revealing unity. I've made a point of talking about that when I'm doing keynotes at professional conferences, because I really want there to be an increasing acceptance and comfort with the language of prayer.

How could it be that we all have these longings? I mean, every one of us longs to belong. Every one of us longs for refuge. We long for feeling embraced. We long to feel bathed in love. We long to touch peace.
Every one of us longs to belong. Every one of us longs for refuge. We long for feeling embraced. We long to feel bathed in love. We long to touch peace.That's prayer. That longing, when conscious and expressed, is the fullness of prayer, and for us to acknowledge the poignancy of it and invite people to recognize it and have it arise from a depth of sincerity, actually is a very powerful part of healing. Prayer is a powerful part of healing. It helps us step out of a small and separate ego kind of sensibility, and recognize a larger belonging.

So I feel like we're at a very juicy kind of era in psychotherapy where more and more of the profession is opening itself to intentional training and training in self-compassion. It has definitely opened its doors to that. It's opened the doors to mindfulness in a big way, and when you open those doors, people become more embodied and there's more creativity, more possibility.


The Squeeze
DK: The title of your new book is True Refuge, and it speaks to, I think, both the longing and the possibility for refuge inside of ourselves that we create in relation to others, as part of the human community. What’s the relationship between this new book and your first book, Radical Acceptance?
TB: Well, I wrote Radical Acceptance because I was aware in my own life and with most everybody I connected with that probably the deepest, most-pervasive suffering is that feeling that something is wrong with me.
Probably the deepest, most-pervasive suffering is that feeling that something is wrong with me.I called it the “trance of unworthiness,” because most people I know get it that they judge themselves too much and they're down on themselves, but are not aware of how many moments of their life that assumption of falling short is in some way constricting their behaviors and stopping them from being spontaneous. You know, it could be that here we are doing this interview, but there's some nagging sense of, "Oh, I should be doing this better," and how that in some way blocks the heart from being as open and tender. It's just, we're not aware of how many parts of our life are squeezed by a sense of deficiency.

I've found that until we are aware of that squeeze, we're caught in the trance. So I wrote the book because I wanted to say, “hey guys, we're all going around feeling bad about ourselves,” and explore how practices of freedom—cultivating a mindful awareness, cultivating compassion, cultivating a forgiving heart, learning to turn towards awareness itself to begin to recognize its formless presence that’s always here—help to dissolve the trance and reveal who we are. This vastness and this mystery is looking through our eyes right now, even though we're just looking at a computer screen—there's this sentience and it's so cool. So the purpose of Radical Acceptance was to very much draw attention to that trance.

DK: And what was the purpose of writing True Refuge?
TB: In True Refuge, I enlarged the scope because in addition to unworthiness, our basic trance of separateness gives us a very profound sense of uncertainty and loss. I think it becomes more vivid as we age that, “okay, these bodies go, everyone we love goes, these minds go.” Right now, for example, I’m watching my mother lose her memory as dementia is setting in. Just watching that happen is painful and sad.

But what directly motivated me to write True Refuge was a period of about 8 years of a steady decline in physical health. There was a time that I had no idea whether I'd regain any of my capacities I had lost. I have a genetic disease that affects my connective tissue, so I had to give up running, give up biking, and give up a lot of the recreational activities I most love. I remember at one point being completely filled with grief at the loss and sensing this deep longing, a very poignant longing, to love no matter what. Really I just wanted to find some refuge, some sense of peace and okay-ness, openheartedness, in the midst of whatever, including dying. That feels important to me. So True Refuge was approaching a broader domain: How do we find an inner sanctuary of peace in the midst of all the different ways that life comes and goes? How do we come home to that?

DK: When the pain of life brings you to your knees…
TB: Exactly. I remember being very struck by William James, who wrote that “all religions start with the cry, ‘help.’" Somehow deep in our psyches there is always some part of us that's going, "Okay, how am I going to deal with this life? How am I going to deal with what's around the corner?" What happens for most people—and this is kind of the way I organized True Refuge—is that we develop strategies to try to navigate life that often don't work. I call these false refuges. This is in all the wisdom traditions. We know that the grasping and the resisting and the overeating and the over-consuming and the distracting ourselves and the proving ourselves and the overachieving… just don’t create that sanctuary of safety and peace and well-being. It just doesn't work.

So in the book I talk about our false refuges and then explore what are really three archetypal gateways to homecoming. You can find them in all the different world religions including Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, and it's most clear for me through Buddhism. These three gateways are: truth (arising from mindfulness of the present moment), love and awareness. In Buddhism these are ordered differently and called Buddha (awareness), Dharma (truth) and sangha (love).

So the architecture of the book is based on that, and I used a lot of stories—my own stories, and other people's stories—to address the pain of feeling deficient, but a lot of other struggles also.


No Mud, No Lotus
DK: The parts of True Refuge that were most moving to me were the descriptions of your struggle with your disease, because there is just no getting around how painful and difficult that must be. You really share your cry for help and the fact that you've been able to make some peace with it is both awe-inspiring and hopeful, since all of us, as you say, will face our own physical demise. But it does seem like living with chronic pain that severely limits your mobility is one of the deeper sorts of spiritual challenges that we face. Do you feel grateful for what it's taught you?
TB: Yeah, I do. You know, I've heard many, many people say from the cancer diagnosis or the heart wrenching divorce or whatever it is that they wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel the same way. "No mud, no lotus," as the Buddhist saying goes. We wake up through the circumstances of our life, and the gift is that when it gets really hard you have to dig very, very deep into your being to find some sense of where love and peace and freedom are. Our experience of inner freedom is not reliable if it is hitched to life being a certain way. If I'm dependent on my body being able to run to feel good, I'm going to be in trouble. I’m actually better than I was before physically, but there were times when I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't do much of anything, and there was a growing capacity to come into a beingness and an openheartedness that allowed me to feel just as alive and present and happy as if I could have been romping around outside and running through the hills.

I think of that as freedom. I think of freedom as our capacity to be openhearted and awake and have some spaciousness in the midst of whatever is unfolding. The gift of it is that we start to trust who we really are. There's a sense of trust in the awareness that is here, the tenderness of our heart, the wakeful openness of our being. This becomes increasingly familiar, rather than the identify of a self-character that is able to do this and doesn't do that and is great or terrible at such and such. We are living from a sense of what we are that can’t be grasped by words or concepts, but can be realized and wholeheartedly lived.

So, that is the fruit of True Refuge—that our true refuge is our true nature. Our true refuge is our true nature. It's none other. The three gateways are just different energetic expressions of true nature.

DK: How did getting a degenerative chronic pain disease change your work with people?
TB: Before this happened, I was pretty much an athletic jock type that had some vanity around my fitness. And I've emerged much more humble, and also much more compassionate towards others. I know what loss is. There's something I sometimes call the “community of loss,” where each of us has lost something deeply important—whether we've lost a partner, or lost a job, or lost our health, our home. I just got back from teaching a weekend at Kripalu Retreat Center in Western Massachusetts, and a number of people there had been hit by hurricane Sandy. One woman was telling me what it was like to have her home totally demolished. The community of loss. The more awake we are to realizing we're part of it, the more we're holding hands with others, really the more compassionate a world we have.

Awakening to the World's Suffering
DK: Speaking of which, I know that political activism has been a big part of your work. You bring issues of social justice into your teachings. One of the things that comes to mind is a talk that you gave about racism within your spiritual community—not overt racism, but a more subtle but nonetheless insidious kind of racism that we find just about everywhere in our culture. It was painful for you to be made aware of it and you shared it as a way to bring awareness into your community. I have also appreciated the way that you struggle with modern politics in your work—trying to remain open-hearted but still having a coherent political voice. How important is it in the work that you're doing? How has that changed over time?
TB: Well, it only becomes increasingly clear to me that the awakening of our heart and mind means awakening to our belonging to the world and that there's not a spiritual path that can be extricated or isolated from that belonging. This means that not speaking is in fact making a statement. Our thoughts, our speech, and our actions in terms of the broader community completely matter. They matter. They express our awakeness and then they affect what happens in the world.

It feels essential that those who value being spiritually awake recognize that that includes being engaged consciously in our larger world, wherever it is that we feel particularly drawn.
It feels essential that those who value being spiritually awake recognize that that includes being engaged consciously in our larger world...We have to recognize that our earth is dying, that denial is the biggest danger in the world for our planet. We have to be willing to be touched by the suffering of the earth, the air, the creatures that are going extinct, to be touched by the pain that people experience when they've been discriminated against and shamed and isolated in different ways, marginalized in our culture—that’s part of being awake and open in the world.

DK: What kind of social or political activism are you currently involved in?
TB: I try to respond to what goes on in our own community, and our community is involved with a number of domains. There are some green activities that are, I think, pretty cool. We're fumbling around on the diversity front, sometimes in a painful way. Like most communities that have a majority of white people, the big question is how to wake up and be more responsive to the racism that is just naturally there. It's just part of the culture. I'm also very much supporting getting the mindfulness curriculum and mindfulness in schools around here. And we have a lot of activity around teaching in prisons. So the best I can do as a leader in the Washington area is to support those kinds of activities. As you can tell, I do feel passionately that it's not meant to be just on the cushion.
DK: So it's not separate at all—any of it.
TB: Nothing is separate. We belong to this world, and it's part of the way we're trying to bring compassion to these bodies and hearts and minds. We need to bring compassion to those that are suffering from an unjust society, and we need to bring compassion to the earth.
DK: Is there a place for anger in this struggle?
TB: Absolutely. We all are wired to have a range of emotions that are just life energies, and to not regard them as wrong or unspiritual is really important, to respect them. They all have an intelligent message, we wouldn't have been rigged with them if they didn't. Our work is to learn how to be in relationship with them in a way where we can listen, where we can embrace the life energy and not get identified with the storyline they may elicit.

What happens with anger is we can get fixated on, “You did something wrong to me.” When this happens, the practice is, instead of believing the story, to instead see if we can honor the energy and feel what's going on inside us.
Go ahead and speak your truth, but from a place of presence and intelligence and kindness, not from a burst of reactivity.This usually involves bringing real kindness and mindfulness to the feeling of being hurt, the feeling of vulnerability, the feeling of fear, but not buy into the storyline of, “you're bad and I need to get you back.” Because if we can pay attention to the message of anger—“there's some threat, I need to take care of it”—and feel where we feel threatened inside, we'll reconnect with the natural intelligence and compassion of our own heart-minds, and then respond with more wisdom. So go ahead and create boundaries, go ahead and speak your truth, but from a place of presence and intelligence and kindness, not from a burst of reactivity.

DK: Which takes a lot of practice over a lot of time.
TB: Huge practice, because we're basically moving against our more primal reflexive reactivity, and learning to cultivate a response from the more recently evolved part of our brain. Our conditioning is to have an impulse arise and act out of it, so as to release the tension and feel soothed. It's coming back to that quote from Victor Frankl. This is saying, "Pause….First come home to the experience that is here and pay attention." That is the heart of the training, and it takes practice. In True Refuge, I use the acronym RAIN, and I've added some different dimensions than are usually emphasized in much of the Buddhist teachings. It's a really simple and powerful handle to, instead of react, come into a relationship with what's going on in a much more wise and balanced way.

RAIN
DK: Can you briefly go through what you mean by RAIN?
TB: Sure. RAIN is an acronym to support us in cultivating mindful awareness, and the basic elements of mindfulness are to recognize what's going on in the moment and to allow it. That’s the core of RAIN: to Recognize and Allow. What happens often is we've got a tangle going on—let’s say it's anger. We've got a storyline of the anger, and we've got the feelings, and we're wanting to do something, and it's all jumbled up. What we’re doing with RAIN is saying, "Okay, I Recognize anger is here and I Allow it."

But it's still feeling very sticky and very demanding of attention. So we deepen attention with the “I”—Investigate. But it has to be a compassionate investigation because if we investigate as a detached observer, or we investigate and there is some judgment and aversion, then the more vulnerable places within us will not reveal themselves to the investigation. For investigation to unfold to truth, we need to bring real compassion. I sometimes think of it as the rain of compassion or self-compassion, because we really need that quality.
DK: Yeah, it’s so easy to bring a subtle kind of judgment into that kind of investigation. Like, “why do I always trip out on this?” or “here’s my damn depression again.”
TB: If you think of a child who’s upset and you want to find out what's going on, if there's not a sense of caring, if you just ask questions, it's not going to work. So we begin to investigate within ourselves, ”Okay, anger. What am I believing right now?” If we ask that question, it can easily veer off into concepts. But the more we bring a gentle presence, a caring presence, a clear presence to the actual experience of what's going on, the more there is a shift in a sense of our identity. If you're very, very present with the anger, you're no longer the angry person believing in the story; you're the presence that's present. You are the awareness that's noticing. That shift in identity is the whole key to the transformation that Buddha talked about in awakening to freedom. And the body is the major domain of investigating—the throat, the chest, and the belly. Just really arrive and sense, "how is this experience playing out through this body?"

After the “I” of RAIN gives us that presence, the “N” is “Non-identification.” Another way to say it is the “N” is “Natural awareness.” We are re-embodying or reestablished in our natural, vast, compassionate awareness.

DK: So, it's really the opposite of dissociating?
TB: Exactly right. Neither dissociating nor getting possessed. When we’re identified with an experience, either it grabs us and we become the angry person, or we disassociate and become kind of numb and cerebral. Either one of those is, in a way, moving away from the reality of the present moment. RAIN is the way to come into the present moment. We can bring it into our relationships so that when there is conflict with another person, or with another country, or with some “other” that we consider kind of unreal or bad, if we're able to first bring RAIN inwardly and just sense what we're feeling and be with that presence and open up our sense of identity, we can then look at another person with the possibility of inquiry. What is really going on here? What is the unmet need? What is your vulnerability? What are the fears or hurts that might have led you to that behavior? We get to see through the eyes of wisdom. RAIN, or more broadly speaking this capacity for mindful awareness, is actually the grounds of compassion for ourselves and each other. It gives us a chance to really sense who we are beyond the mask.
DK: Thanks so much. It has been a joy to talk with you.
TB: Thank you.

© 2012 Psychotherapy.net, LLC

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Tara Brach, PhD., is a clinical psychologist, lecturer, and popular teacher of Buddhist mindfulness (vipassana) meditation. She is founder and senior teacher of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, and teaches meditation at centers throughout the United States. Tara has offered speeches and workshops for mental health practitioners at numerous professional conferences. These, along with her many audio talks and videos address the value of meditation in relieving emotional suffering and serving spiritual awakening. Dr. Brach is the author of Radical Acceptance (Bantam, 2003) and True Refuge (Bantam, 2013.) www.tarabrach.com
Deb Kory, PsyD, is the content manager at psychotherapy.net. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from the Wright Institute and has a part-time private practice in Berkeley, CA. She loves both of her jobs and feels lucky to be able to divide her time between therapy, writing and editing. Before deciding to become a psychotherapist, she worked as the managing editor of Tikkun Magazine and published her writings in Tikkun, The Huffington Post and Alternet. Currently, she is working on turning her dissertation, Psychologists: Healers or Instruments of War?, into a book. In it, she describes in great detail the historical context and events that led to psychologists creating the torture program at Guantanamo and other "black sites" during the War on Terror.

Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN - Kindle edition by Brach, Tara. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN - Kindle edition by Brach, Tara. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN Kindle Edition

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'A powerful book that will free you from shame, fear, and negative self-beliefs. You will feel wiser, happier, and kinder after reading it' Haemin Sunim

World-renowned meditation teacher Tara Brach shares a simple four-step practice to awaken compassion and release the grip of painful emotions:

1. Recognize
2. Allow
3. Investigate
4. Nurture

Heartfelt and deeply practical, Radical Compassion teaches us to find healing and freedom through the sources of love, courage and deep wisdom alive within us all.

'Radical Compassion lays out a path of straightforward, accessible practices grounded in both modern brain science and ancient wisdom ... a masterpiece' Rick Hanson

'This book is a treasure from one of the most spiritual teachers of our time' Kristin Nef

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Editorial Reviews

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Praise for Radical Compassion

“Illuminating…Anyone hoping to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and advice for easing the burden of negative emotions will find this to be a helpful resource.” —Publishers Weekly

“Tara Brach’s four-step RAIN meditation can be an integral part of anyone’s mindfulness practice. RAIN helps us uncover the states of love, self-care, forgiveness, compassion, and tenderness we each are capable of. It is a useful and elegant system, and Radical Compassion is a beautifully written book.”

—Sharon Salzberg, New York Times bestselling author of Real Happiness and Lovingkindness

 “Radical Compassion lays out a path of straightforward, accessible practices grounded in both modern brain science and ancient wisdom—with the soul and depth you’d expect from a world-class meditation teacher and psychologist. A masterpiece.”

—Rick Hanson, PhD, author of Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

 “A powerful book that will free you from shame, fear, and negative self-beliefs. You will feel wiser, happier, and kinder after reading it.”

—Haemin Sunim, author of Love for Imperfect Things and The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down

 “Tara Brach has an uncanny ability to home in precisely on what we need in the moment, so we can meet that need from within. She teaches a simple but life-changing practice to bring presence and compassion to any moment of shame or longing or struggle, transforming our pain into love. This book is a treasure from one of the most important spiritual teachers of our time.”

—Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

 “In this magnificent synthesis of her important teachings in cultivating compassion in our everyday lives, Tara Brach offers us a life-changing tool to open our awareness with love and healing. This important book is as practical as it is profound, a deep and

lasting gift for us all.”

—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence and Mind: A Journey to the Heart of Being Human --This text refers to the hardcover edition.

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About the Author

Tara Brach, PhD, is an internationally known teacher of mindfulness, meditation, emotional healing, and spiritual awakening. She is the author of Radical Acceptance and True Refuge, and her weekly podcasted talk and meditation is downloaded by over a million and a half people each month. Tara is the senior teacher and founder of Insight Meditation Center of Washington, DC. She lives in Great Falls, VA with her husband and dog. --This text refers to the hardcover edition.

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Product details

Publication date : January 2, 2020

File size : 3125 KB

Word Wise : Enabled

Print length : 266 pages

Language: : English

ASIN : B07R462YRR

Publisher : Ebury Digital; 1st edition (January 2, 2020)

Text-to-Speech : Enabled

Enhanced typesetting : Enabled

X-Ray : Not Enabled

Page numbers source ISBN : 0525522816

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Best Sellers Rank: #343,702 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)

#223 in Cities & Architecture Coloring Books for Grown-Ups

#444 in Occult Spiritualism

#704 in Buddhism (Kindle Store)

Customer Reviews: 4.8 out of 5 stars    526 ratings

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Biography

Tara Brach, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, an internationally known teacher of mindfulness meditation, and the founder of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington. She is author of bestselling Radical Acceptance, True Refuge, and Radical Compassion. She has contributed numerous articles to popular magazines and websites.

Tara is a frequent keynote speaker at conferences where she discusses the role of mindfulness in emotional healing and spiritual awakening. She leads accredited workshops for mental health professionals interested in integrating meditation into the practice of psychotherapy. Tara also offers meditation retreats at centers in the United States and in Europe.

Her podcasted talks and meditations are downloaded over 2 million times each month. In addition to her public teaching, Tara is active in bringing meditation into DC area schools, prisons and to underserved populations, and in activities that promote racial justice.

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K. Lawlor

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Book. Highly Recommended

Reviewed in the United States on December 31, 2019

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I have been studying with Tara and Jack Kornfield for about two years and have been eagerly awaiting the release of this book. I highly recommend this book because I feel that it represents in a very clear, succinct fashion the true core of what Tara teaches. Tara's teachings have helped me to become more aware, kinder, more loving and in greater control of my life. The majority of my favorite teachings and practices with Tara are found in this book and this is a book I plan on giving to friends and coworkers for years to come.

54 people found this helpful

FightForWhatsRight

3.0 out of 5 stars Tiny Print. Baby Boomers are going to need large print offerings.

Reviewed in the United States on January 23, 2020

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I returned this book with the smallest print I have ever seen in a book. I got it on audible. However, I didn't want it on audible. Book publishers, and authors, of best selling books are going to have to offer large print versions of them more, and more. I suggest Tara Brach become a front-runner of this as she wants us to be kind to ourselves. I would not have been kind to my eye health trying to read this tiny writing. Offer large print versions please. Many of us will be happy to pay more to see the print. Thank you.

49 people found this helpful

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Chata

5.0 out of 5 stars Can’t recommend enough!

Reviewed in the United States on January 4, 2020

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I’ve read three of her books and I always have to take breaks. I’ve cried sooo much and have honestly become a different person practicing what she writes. I love that anyone would be able to understand it as it isn’t religious, just beautifully written.

32 people found this helpful

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Krishna Pendyala

5.0 out of 5 stars The simplest Instruction Manual for Self-Compassion

Reviewed in the United States on December 31, 2019

Radical Compassion equips you with the tools and skills to face the strongest of emotions. While many teachers talk about practicing compassion in an abstract manner, Tara makes it tangible with clear step-by-step instructions to implement compassion as a practice. It's the most practical guide that I have come across.

Tara demonstrates the power of RAIN and how it can wash off the thick clay covering our essential being and heal us. She also shows how the practice of RAIN meditation opens the door to compassion beyond mindfulness.

In Radical Compassion, Tara does an excellent job debunking a huge trap—a common misunderstanding between cognitive analysis and somatic awareness that often leads many people astray. She provides clear instructions that many people look for to take the first step.

The Questions and Responses at the end of each chapter effectively anticipate the confusion in the reader’s mind and provides succinct answers to help us on our journey to healing. Tara is addressing the unasked questions of our time—answers to which can bring healing to our world.

In a nutshell, Radical Compassion helps you learn how to be human and enjoy life. Tara’s genius is her humanity. Timely wisdom shared eloquently with love and care.

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Stephen Josephs

5.0 out of 5 stars 3 Reasons to Love this Book

Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2020

1. There are teachers who talk about their experiences of enlightenment. Compassionate as they may be, they can seem removed from us. They are enlightened; we are not. As a teacher, Tara is more of a spiritual friend. Like the rest of us, she is sometimes caught in trances common to our human condition, and she has found openings to love, awareness, and compassion that are reliable and unfailing. She shares them in Radical Compassion.

2. Her method (RAIN) is straightforward and clear. She offers numerous examples of applications. She anticipates and addresses difficulties and questions. She knows the method and the principles that make it work. That comes through in every paragraph. Her presentation is masterful.

3. Tara brings us together. In most meditative traditions, wrestling with our minds and emotions is a private affair. Even if we meditate in a group, we are solitary in our internal struggles. But what a refreshing option to include each other in our practice of RAIN! No longer alone, we have an opportunity to listen compassionately and be held in loving awareness as we are listened to in return. What better way to learn compassion than to give and receive it? Tara provides a link to an audio recording that guides us through the RAIN practice with a partner. It’s like having Tara facilitate a heartfelt meeting of friends. What if we all did this? That would be radical indeed.

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Frank Mendoza

5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful Work!

Reviewed in the United States on January 13, 2020

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Perfect. So perfect!!!

If youre new or practiced to meditation, this book is for everyone. I want to gift it to so many people, and now im on my 2nd go around with it.

Definitely one you’ll read more then once.

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Miss J A Brooks

5.0 out of 5 stars Not just a theoretical book but a guide for living.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 17, 2020

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If you are ready to embrace life from the inside out this is great guide on introducing mindfulness and compassion as a way of being.

Tara Brach ‘walks her talk’ - she lives what she teaches.

I have been putting her teachings into practice over the past 3 years and have negotiated many challenges with more ease, love and care than I ever would have been able to before.

13 people found this helpful

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PJBUT

5.0 out of 5 stars Tara is the real deal

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 7, 2020

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Tara Brach is the real deal. I'm not usually one for gimmicky anti-anxiety remedies but Tara presents a whole new way of looking at anxiety and pain and shows you how you can change your relationship with it by accepting the pain for what it is and being kinder to yourself. I have used the practice of RAIN, as described in the book, and it has worked for me. Not a cure, but definitely lots of food for thought and offers a new way of looking at yourself and the world we live in. Be kinder to yourself and your 'demons'. Highly recommend this book.

7 people found this helpful

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Kindle Customer

5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 24, 2020

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Such a good book, makes you feel calm just reading it but also deeply touches you & practical.

8 people found this helpful

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Mrs L.K.Bourne

5.0 out of 5 stars Great read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 18, 2020

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Fabulous read

3 people found this helpful

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Saba

5.0 out of 5 stars Inspiring

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 5, 2020

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Love this book

I will return to this book again and again

Looking forward to listening more books from Tara

2 people found this helpful

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Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN

by Tara Brach (Goodreads Author)

 4.26  ·   Rating details ·  1,136 ratings  ·  118 reviews

One of the most beloved and trusted mindfulness teachers in America offers a lifeline for difficult times: the RAIN meditation, which awakens our courage and heart.

Tara Brach is an in-the-trenches teacher whose work counters today's ever-increasing onslaught of news, conflict, demands, and anxieties--stresses that leave us rushing around on auto-pilot and cut off from the presence and creativity that give our lives meaning.

In this heartfelt and deeply practical book, she offers an antidote: an easy-to-learn four-step meditation that quickly loosens the grip of difficult emotions and limiting beliefs. Each step in the meditation practice (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) is brought to life by memorable stories shared by Tara and her students as they deal with feelings of overwhelm, loss, and self-aversion, with painful relationships, and past trauma--and as they discover step-by-step the sources of love, forgiveness, compassion, and deep wisdom alive within all of us. (less)

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Published December 31st 2019 by Penguin Life

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Leading with Gratitude by Adrian GostickThe Advice Trap by Michael Bungay StanierHelping People Change by Richard BoyatzisRadical Compassion by Tara BrachThe Future Is Faster Than You Think by Peter H. Diamandis

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 Average rating4.26  ·  Rating details ·  1,136 ratings  ·  118 reviews

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Karen

Jan 02, 2020Karen rated it it was amazing

There's nothing like starting out my year with Tara Brach. I have been a longtime fan and her podcasts have carried me through several very tough years. Tara's ability to mix methodology, thinking, and storytelling is unparalleled. In her podcasts, she usually also tells some wonderful jokes that have stayed with me over the years. If you haven't listened to any of her work, I cannot recommend it enough. Her other books are also phenomenal.

This book is focused on compassion as the title states. Specifically in the practice of her version of RAIN:

- Recognize what is happening;

- Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;

- Investigate with interest and care;

- Nurture with self-compassion.

There is a lot more about Rain in her site if you're interested: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

The book explains the practice, gives examples and contains meditations that give you the space to do right then. I listened to it on audio which was perfect for practicing the meditations. A great way to start the new year and to hold my intention of more compassion. (less)

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Megan Bell

Mar 21, 2020Megan Bell rated it it was amazing

Shelves: 2020

This book has been helping me SO MUCH with easing my anxiety through this challenging time. Tara Brach is one of America's most beloved and trusted mindfulness teachers, and in this book she teaches us how to practice compassion for ourselves and others and how that practice can empower, center, and free us. Using the mindfulness practice of RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, & Nurture) has been a lifeline for me, helping me to stay in the present, care for myself and my team, and feel empowered to do what I can to respond with compassion and creativity to this unprecedented moment. (less)

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Ellie

Aug 05, 2020Ellie rated it it was amazing

Shelves: 2020indchal, kindle, important, spiritual, meditation

Tara Brach is amazing. She is a great teacher--and I'm not using the word "great" lightly. I use her guided meditations daily. Recently, she did a talk with Lama Rod Owens (Love and Rage) about racism and violence which was inspirational. She is a gift.

I actually finished this book a couple of weeks ago but I feel inadequate and not up to the task of giving a review that fully expressed how important this book is to me and how rich (and just plain helpful) I found it to be. I've been re-reading it ever since and have taken extensive notes which I also review. I use some of the suggestions daily.

The main teaching of this book is RAIN: a meditation in which the letters stand for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. And the RAIN is followed by "After the RAIN"--a few moments of resting in presence, experiencing the process you have just undergone. I've been using RAIN daily in addition to my usual practice to address specific issues. RAIN offers a way to deal with problematic relationships, addictive behaviors--anything which is causing you difficulty at the present moment. (In one of her talks about addictive behaviors, Brach talks about making the "U-turn" from the object obsessed about to yourself, a powerful shift in attention and very healing). RAIN offers the chance to sit with uncomfortable feelings, feel them in the body ("investigate" is not an intellectual exercise), support yourself and then just rest with all you have experience.

One of the practices I am finding very helpful is the "4 Remembrances". They are: 1) Pause for presence; 2) Say "yes" to what is; 3) Turn to love; and 4) Rest in Awareness. She gives suggestions for each of these practices--illustrating with helpful stories (as she does in all her talks--often using funny cartoons and anecdotes to make important points--her light touch helps me keep my own perspective on life and meditation in perspective as well as underscoring the importance of humor in life--how it can illuminate serious issues and make it easier to address them. I like how she gives a long description of each practice and then provides an insert for easy use.

Brach offers a number of different meditations. The ones that I have used were helpful.

I think the theme of the book, which I hate to "sum up" is that in offering oneself compassion, in having compassion for all life, we set ourselves--and the world--free. And that compassion, complete acceptance for things as they are in that moment is the only path to growth. (less)

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Whitney Kats

Feb 18, 2020Whitney Kats rated it it was amazing

My favorite concept from the book was imagining the High Self, or the Future/Awakened Self to guide and nurture the present or past self.

Other key takeaways I want to remember:

Mirror the goodness in others, remind them of the good you see in them. Practice RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture) not just on yourself, but use it to find compassion towards others as well.

When practicing RAIN, ask yourself: “What hurts the most?” “Where does it hurt the most in your body?” Allow it. Investigate it. Invite the High Self to nurture or offer guidance.

“Radical Compassion” is a book that needs to be on my bookshelf, not just on my hold list at the library. (less)

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Taylor Vogel

Mar 16, 2020Taylor Vogel rated it liked it

While the tools of RAIN offered in this book are actually extremely helpful, the formatting and story telling made it really hard for me to get through. I struggled to move from chapter to chapter, and the story telling just seemed distant. I feel like this would be a good book to have on hand to reference for meditation, even without ever reading a single personal experience of the author.

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Madison

Jan 14, 2020Madison added it

(Warning! This book discusses topics like anxiety, and depression.) Radical compassion is a specific type of general compassion, which includes the inner imperative to change reality in order to alleviate the pain of others. This state of mind, according to Lampert's theory, is universal and stands at the root of the historical cry for social change. This is the definition of radical compassion. While there are no main characters the author puts her personal experiences into the book, and she comes up with a meditation practice called-RAIN. With RAIN, people can learn to deal with feelings of anxiety, loss, and self-aversion, painful relationships, and past trauma and learning to discover sources of love, forgiveness, compassion, and deep wisdom that is in everyone. The conflict I faced when reading this book was learning how to meditate and forgive myself for past mistakes. I thought to myself, can I seek self-satisfaction through a book, and can the author influence me that much? After reading the book myself I learned how to forgive myself, just as the book intended. While I still have a long road to self-love and healing this book gave me the first steps. What I liked most about the book was that it was in-depth about teaching you how to meditate and learning to love yourself. The book gave examples of people going through battles of mental illness and showed what they did to better themselves. Some areas of the book that were strong were informing the readers on how to meditate and what meditation does to help better you as a person and your mind. The author also gave helpful information on what to do when you are battling depression and anxiety. What I learned from the book was how to forgive myself, and learning to stop holding on to old things. By not forgiving yourself you are allowing yourself to self-hate and lose your confidence. You also have to learn to let go of situations you have no control over and think about what to do at the moment. The book also teaches you how to accept love and help from others, because the truth is- you cannot do everything on your own. You will only grow as a person when you grow with others. The biggest appeal for me is that I am struggling to learn how to love and accept help from others. The summary of the book drew me in and I knew that in order to grow I needed to heal myself, from within. My favorite part of the book was the titles, each title was an opening to healing a chapter in life. Overall, this book was very helpful and I have learned a lot. I have learned how to meditate, which has helped me calm my anxiety. Although, I still have things I need to work on for myself I have learned through this book many things and have a vast knowledge of mental health. In conclusion, the book, "Radical Compassion" by Tara Brach, should be read by people who were struggling with the same problems I was. (less)

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Omar Delawar

Jul 03, 2020Omar Delawar rated it really liked it

This book has been surprisingly insightful even for someone who has been dabbling in eastern traditions for some time now. It includes some profound insights/quotes and stories, along with a comprehensible explanation of some fairly esoteric Buddhist principles.

Often Tara uses the stories and experiences of the people she has met and helped along her path to aid or illustrate a point, which makes it more enjoyable to read than a book in which the author is always speaking to the reader in the abstract. It really helps to humanize her ideas and bring them home. The narrative is very well done.

The book begins by characterizing the commonplace anxieties of modern life, including insecurities around being good enough and the search for satisfaction and purpose. She invites the reader to share her own journey and relate to her experiences. She gives an explanation of what 'Radical Acceptance' is and goes on in the subsequent chapter to share the stories of her friends & clients, using them to illustrate how her teachings have helped liberate them from their experiences.

One of the things Tara does remarkably well is incorporate wisdom, poetry, and stories from various spiritual sources, in a way that really melds into what she is trying to teach. It's clear that she has much more to offer than her personal wisdom, but also the wisdom of teachers past. My favorite quote from the book is from Zen poet Ryokan: “If you want to find the meaning of life, stop chasing after so many things”. This comes to mind regularly when I am wrapped up with things I have and don't have.

My favorite story in the book is from the Babemba people of South Africa who have a very interesting custom that we (the West) can learn a lot from. When an individual does something cruel or selfish, the community places them in the center of the village. Then, one by one, each member of the community speaks to them. Do they berate them for their mistakes or call out their faults? No. In this exercise, every person in the village lists all the times the accused has been kind, loving, or just. Rather than looking for the bad, they choose to remember the good. This is how the community heals. This makes our justice system here in the West of "Crime and Punishment" seem rather backwards.

What I like the most about this book is that it really stands apart to me as a Buddhist teaching text. I've embarked on Zen reading before, but this is the first one to actually inspire me to begin my own meditation practice. That said, I don't think one has to adopt the Buddhist philosophy to get something out of this book, but I guarantee that a read through it will impress upon the reader some of the wisest lessons it has to offer, which I find are much more humanistic than typical religious dogma, and can fit into any belief system. Highly recommended read! (less)

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Kelly

Feb 21, 2020Kelly added it

Shelves: audio-book, boldness-bravery-and-authenticity, read-in-2020, non-fiction

It was so great to hear Brach perform her own audiobook! Her voice is soothing and also empowering as she digs into what it means to live "above the line" -- not in trance -- and "below the line" -- where trance takes power away from you. The RAIN method of Reflect, Accept, Investigate, and Nurture is simple and straightforward and I cannot wait to implement it into my own routine for practicing kindness and compassion for myself (which, inevitably, is exactly how anyone can offer those things to others, too). (less)

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John Hannam

Sep 04, 2020John Hannam rated it it was amazing

Shelves: own, personal-development, best-reads

A wonderful follow-up read to Radical Acceptance.

Brach strikes at the very heart of the daily challenges we face as a global community. At the core of those challenges is a lack of compassion. Something we need for ourselves and for each other.

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Story

Nov 09, 2019Story rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

Shelves: buddhism, books-that-changed-my-life, how-to-live, readwomen2019, cognitive-science

Best book of its kind I've ever read. Thank you to Edelweiss and the publisher for the ARC. I can not wait for this to come out in hardback so I can buy a copy.

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Morgan

May 07, 2020Morgan rated it liked it

Shelves: abandoned

DNF at 60% - 3.5 - at this point I feel like the book just keeps repeating itself and that I'm not going to glean much more from it at this rate. RAIN is a good approach that I will incorporate into my mindfulness practice, however, especially when investigating difficult feelings. I think it's worth knowing about, so look up some of the articles or videos about RAIN online if you want to save time.

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Emily

Jul 28, 2020Emily rated it liked it

Shelves: meditation, audiobooks

This is one of those books that maybe...didn't need to be a whole book. Possibly because I've already been practicing RAIN. Finding a guided RAIN meditation that resonates with me, and practicing it many, many times over a period of years, has been a very helpful resource. Although much of this book wasn't new to me, listening to Tara Brach is such a balm, and there is really no such thing as hearing these concepts too many times.

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Stef

Jul 12, 2020Stef rated it it was ok

DNF at Chapter 6. The book started to feel redundant in content, and halfway through, I still didn't feel like I had a great understanding of RAIN beyond "Recognize"; "Allow" never felt adequately explained, and "Investigate" and "Nurture" were glossed over but seemed to require so much more of the practitioner than the first two steps.

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Viv JM

Feb 17, 2020Viv JM rated it it was amazing

Shelves: non-fiction, read-in-2020, inspiring-reads, author-female, buddhism

This is a wonderful book full of wisdom and compassion, with practical meditations and helpful stories and anecdotes to bring the teachings alive. Highly recommended.

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Jessica Russell

Nov 01, 2020Jessica Russell rated it it was amazing

This book is every bit worth the read. It’s life changing in the simplest of ways. It has resulted in several mental shifts for myself personally that have created greater compassion and presence in my life. Tara has such a warm tone, it feels like a mother gently guiding you towards your best self.

I would recommend this book to anyone. It teaches such powerful things about the mind and heart, and the connection of both to the body and soul. It has the ideas that could change bad days and bad relationships, to such fulfilling ones. (less)

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Sarai Mitnick

Oct 30, 2020Sarai Mitnick rated it really liked it

Tara Brach’s latest book explores the practice of RAIN as a tool for compassion towards the self and others. This was a lovely, practical book full of useful tools and helpful stories that have added nuance and new perspectives to my practice. This is a great book to read after Dr. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion, which covers many other tools for incorporating mindful self-compassion into daily life. Both of these books have impacted me a great deal.

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Cara Meredith

Sep 07, 2020Cara Meredith rated it really liked it

Such an interesting mix of Buddhist philosophy and meditation practice along numerous insights from Christianity (and Christian authors), as well as anti-racist practices. RAIN!

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Michael Kilman

Sep 19, 2020Michael Kilman rated it it was amazing

I've been studying eastern philosophy and mindfulness for a number of years now and I found this book to be absolutely wonderful in solidifying many of the difficult concepts and ideas present in these systems. I definitely recommend this book to anyone interested in working through difficult times or trying to reflect on how to work toward a happier fuller life.

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Darcy

Oct 22, 2020Darcy rated it it was amazing

Highly recommended. This book positively affected my life :)

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Meredith

Apr 24, 2020Meredith rated it it was amazing

Shelves: all-time-faves, self-help, audible, spiritual

Tara Brach is my absolute favorite meditation teacher. I adore her free weekly podcasts. Her talks and guided meditations just work for me in a way that most don’t. I love her presence, insights, and humility. However, when I tried to read her first book, Radical Acceptance, I juts couldn’t get into it. Can’t really explain why. So I was worried about the same for this book, but I had no such issues. I have known about the RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture) process for years because of her podcasts, but hadn’t found it to be particularly effective for me. However, I adored this book! I loved the arc, structure, and explanations as well as the guided meditations in each chapter. Plus reading it sort of felt like receiving a prolonged hug. I made a note of all the guided meditations so I can go back to them. I got lots of great insights from them. And now I also think I have a much better sense of RAIN and how it can work for me without guidance when I experience unpleasant emotions. I will definitely be reading this again for the insights, meditations and hugs. (less)

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Siv

May 29, 2020Siv rated it it was amazing

Shelves: nonfiction

I wish I could remember who to thank for directing me to this life-changing book! RAIN is hard, important work, learning to Recognize my feelings, Allow them to just be (rather than stuffing or numbing them), Investigating how they feel in my body, and Nurturing my inner self. Let it RAIN!

Two images in particular have been helpful: the Golden Buddha disguised under the hardened clay/mud - we’re all golden underneath our coping mechanisms; and the lone snarling dog caught in the trap by the tree - when we recognize how others hurt, it enables compassion and helps us to understand/forgive.

As a life-long Christian, I feel like I just got a crash-course in prayer that the Church never provided.

"'Radical Compassion' means including the vulnerability of this life - all life - in our heart. It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world. Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings."

"You are in trance when you are living on autopilot, when you feel walled off and separate from those around you, when you are caught up in feeling fearful, angry, victimized, or deficient.

The good news is that we all have the capacity to free ourselves."

"Simply put, RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture) awakens mindfulness and compassion, applies them to the places where we are stuck, and untangles emotional suffering."

"We create a U-turn whenever we shift our attention from an outward fixation--another person, our thoughts, or our emotionally driven stories about what's going on--to the real, living experience in our body."

"As long as we continue our fear-based thinking, our beliefs will maintain their potency. Writer Carlos Castaneda says that we maintain our world with our inner dialogue adn that our world will change as soon as we stop talking to ourselves."

"Wisdom tells me I'm nothing.

Love tells me I am everything.

And between the two my life flows." --Indian spiritual master Sri Nisargadatta

Defining forgiveness:

"...letting go of the protective armor of blame and/or hatred that encases your heart."

"...never putting anyone (including yourself) out of your heart."

"...the compassion that arises when we've brought full presence to the suffering of hurt and wounds."

"compassion or openhearted acceptance"

"I can make [keep] myself a victim by blaming someone else, or I can heal and empower myself."

"What we know of other people

is only our memory of the moments

During which we knew them. And they have changed since then.

We must also remember

That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."

"You cannot love what you cannot see afresh. You cannot love what you are not constantly discovering anew." --Anthony de Mello

Ideas to practice lovingkindness:

Set an intention to reflect each morning on the goodness of the people you live with or see most.

Whenever someone triggers feelings of irritation or insecurity, pause, recall an instant of their goodness, and mentally whisper, "May you be well."

Regularly reflect on the goodness of a "difficult" person. After two weeks, ask yourself if your feelings or their behavior to you have shifted.

Let someone know the goodness you see in them.

Send a caring message to yourself or others, silently or out loud, such as "May I be happy and safe;" "Please be kind;" "I'm sorry and I love you;" "May I love myself into healing."

Hug yourself, put a comforting hand on your cheek, or put your hands together in prayer.

Imagine yourself or another behind held in warm light or embraced. Imagine embracing your inner child.

"Saying yes expresses our heart's wisdom. Only when we open to reality as it is--without any resisting or grasping--can our heart and intelligence come fully alive. Only by saying yes to this moment can we respond to our own life and the lives of others with the courage of radical compassion." (less)

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Meg Lindsay

Jun 06, 2020Meg Lindsay rated it it was amazing

I highlighted the hell out of this. The whole book is basically a toolbox of meditations and thought exercises that have already started helping me reframe my stress and worry. I kind of wish I had the audiobook as well because I it'd be helpful to have someone read the meditations aloud!

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제공 파일 : ePub(74.42 MB)

TTS 여부 : 지원 

종이책 페이지수 296쪽

가능 기기 : 크레마 그랑데, 크레마 사운드, 크레마 카르타, PC, 아이폰, 아이패드, 안드로이드 폰/탭, 크레마 샤인

ISBN : 9788974797874

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신간알림 신청

eBook > 인문학 > 심리학/정신분석학 > 교양 심리학

eBook > 종교/역학 > 불교 > 불교명상/수행

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책소개직장과 가정에서의 엇박자, 연인과의 갈등, 차별과 배제의 고통 등 누구나 한번은 겪어봤음직한 이야기들이 저자가 살펴보는 대상이다. 그리고 그 속에서 생긴 외로움·상처·두려움을 어떻게 마주해야 하는지에 대해 차분하지만 실질적인 해결책을 제시한다.

『끌어안음』은 누군가의 도움이 없이도 직접 실천해 볼 수 있는 구체적인 ‘지도’가 제시된다. 책 속에 간간히 삽입된 ‘성찰 연습’, ‘명상 연습’은 독자들에게 스스로 실천해 볼 수 있는 매뉴얼을 제공하며 또 질의응답을 통해 누구나 일상이나 수행 중 자주 일어나는 궁금증이 다른 사람의 질문을 거쳐 타라 브랙을 통해 설명된다.

목차

서문. 사랑에서 치유로

1부. 집중이 지닌 치유의 힘

1. RAIN은 명료하게 한다

2. RAIN은 삶에 예스, 라고 말한다

3. RAIN은 진정한 자기가 드러나게 한다

2부. 내면의 삶으로 RAIN 들여오기

4. 부정적 자기-신념 내보내기

5. 수치심에서 벗어나기

6. 두려움에서 깨어나기

7. 자신의 깊은 갈망 찾아보기

3부. RAIN과 인간관계

8. 용서의 RAIN

9. 미덕을 바라보기

10. 연민의 RAIN

11. 기억해야 할 네 가지 : 깨어있는 가슴으로 살아가기

책속에서

첫문장

우리 모두는 끝없는 근심과 계획에 얽매인 채, 타인의 평가를 받고 요구를 만족시키고 문제를 해결하려고 분투하다가 일상의 밀림에서 길을 잃는다.

P. 226~227 크리스마스 날 한 부부가 한 살 된 아기와 함께 장거리 여행을 하다가 도로변의 간이식당을 발견하고 차를 세웠다.

그들은 손님이 거의 없는 조용한 식당에서 음식이 나오기를 기다렸다. 그때 유아용 의자에 앉아있던 아기가 그들 뒤의 누군가에게 “안녕!”하며 손을 흔들었다. 당황스럽게도 그는 꾀죄죄한 떠돌이 술주정뱅이였다. 그 노숙자가 아기에게 손을 흔들면서 소리쳤다. “안녕, 아기야, 안녕. … 씩씩하구나.”

부부는 서로 시선을 주고받았고 식당 안 몇몇 사람들도 못마땅한 표정을 지었다. 음식이 나온 후에도 그 남자는 계속 말을 했다. “너 패티 케이크 놀이 알아? … 까꿍 놀이는? 여기 보세요, 아기가 까꿍 놀이를 안대요.” 아기 엄마가 유아용 의자를 돌리려고 했지만 아기는 소리를 지르면서 그 새로운 친구를 보려고 고개를 돌렸다.

결국 식사를 포기하고 아기 아빠가 계산을 하러 일어났고 아기를 안은 엄마는 문간에 앉아있는 늙은 술주정뱅이를 빨리 지나쳐야겠다고 마음먹었다. 그런데 가까이 다가갔을 때 아기가 그 남자에게 올려달라는 듯 두 팔을 뻗었고 순식간에 그의 품으로 뛰어들었다.

그제야 아기 엄마는 아기가 남자 어깨에 머리를 기댈 때 그의 눈에 눈물을 고이는 것을 보았다. 그는 아기를 부드럽게 안고 흔들더니 아기 엄마 눈을 똑바로 보면서 “자, 아기를 받으세요.”라고 분명하게 말했다. 그러고는 조심스럽게 아기를 돌려주었다. “부인에게 신의 은총이 있기를. 당신은 제게 크리스마스 선물을 주었습니다.”

그녀는 뭐라 대답을 하고 서둘러 차로 오는데 눈물이 뺨을 타고 흘러내렸다. 그녀는 “하느님, 하느님, 저를 용서하세요.”라는 생각만 했다.

이 이야기를 들었을 때 나는 내가 만나지 못한 수많은 사람들에 대한 깊고 아픈 자책감을 느꼈다. 머튼(Merton)이 말한 “숨어있는 아름다움”을 알아차리는 법을 배우는 것은 우리 모두의 진화적 과제다. 그것이 바로 근본적 연민의 영혼이기 때문이다. 우리는 자신을 영적으로 재양육하고, 타인의 미덕을 보면서 그들이 자신을 믿도록 도와야 한다.

「미덕을 바라보기」 중  접기

P. 182 도움이 될 만한 용서의 정의가 있다. 용서는 당신의 가슴을 둘러싼 비난, 그리고/혹은 미움이라는 보호 갑옷을 벗는 것이다.

내가 좋아하는 정의도 있다. 용서는 (자신을 비롯한) 모든 사람을 당신 가슴 바깥에 두지 않는 것이다.

다른 것도 있다. 용서란 상처의 고통으로 충만한 현존감을 데려올 때 생기는 연민이다.

그러나, 많은 이들에게 용서라는 말은 별 감흥이 없거나 혼란을 야기한다. 그렇다면, 그냥 용서 대신 연민, 혹은 마음을 연 받아들임으로 대체해도 괜찮다.

용서에는 시간이 걸린다. 다른 사람의 친절을 스스로 받아들여야만 용서할 수 있음을 나 자신과 타인에게서 자주 목격했다. 생각해보면 그럴 수밖에 없다. 연민을 받으면, 그 따스함과 연결감으로 두려움과 거절에 대한 예민함이 감소되고 상처를 보살피며 비난의 갑옷 바로 아래에 있는 상실감을 수용하게 된다. 마음이 부드러워지고 시야가 넓어진다. 타인의 괴로움을 보다 선명하게 볼 수 있다.

「용서의 RAIN」 중  접기

P. 254~255 페루의 빈민 보호시설의 젊은 자원봉사자 필은 골반이 부러진 노인과 응급실에서 몇 시간째 대기 중이었다. 함께 있어 주는 것밖에 할 수 없었던 필은 노인의 통증을 덜어줄 수 없어 막막했다. 그때 어떤 사람이 노인에게 빵을 주자 그는 빵을 바로 반으로 갈라 필에게 주려고 했다. 필은 놀라 거절했지만 노인은 필 손에 빵을 쥐어주고 어서 먹으라는 몸짓을 했다. 필은 당황스러웠지만 고마운 마음으로 빵을 먹었고, 자신의 식사를 나눠줄 수 있어 노인은 무척 행복해 보였다.

이 경험으로 연민에 대한 필의 생각이 완전히 바뀌었다. 그 노인은 더 이상 비실제적 타인, 즉 수동적이고 도움이 필요한 불쌍한 사람이 아니었다. 필 역시 좋은 일을 하는 특권을 가진 봉사자가 아니었다. 그들은 상호적 보살핌과 소속감으로 연결되어 함께 살아가는 존재였다.

우리는 영적인 길을 수행과 고난의 길로 여기곤 한다. 그렇다. 연민에는 훈련이 필요하다.

「연민의 RAIN」 중  접기

저자 및 역자소개

타라 브랙 (Brach, Tara) (지은이) 

저자파일

 

최고의 작품 투표

 

신간알림 신청

미국의 저명한 위빠사나 명상가이자 임상심리학자이다. 워싱턴 D.C. 통찰 명상회의 설립자이자 책임 교사이다.

스피릿 록 명상 센터, 오메가 인스티튜트, 크리팔루 센터, 스미스소니언 인스티튜트 등 미국 전역의 명상 센터에서 명상을 가르치고 있다. 또한 정신 건강 전문가들을 대상으로 수많은 강의를 하고 워크숍을 이끌고 있다.

120년 전통의 세계적인 영성 잡지인 <왓킨스(Watkins)>지는 교황 프란치스코(Francis), 달라이 라마(Dalai Lama), 데스몬드 투투(Desmond Tutu) 등과 함께 최근 매해 그녀를 ‘현존하는 영적 스승 100인’에 선정하고 있다.

지은 책으로는 『받아들임(Radical Acceptance』, 『호흡하세요 그리고 미소지으세요(True Refuge)』『끌어안음(Radical Coompassion』이 있다. 접기

최근작 : <끌어안음>,<호흡하세요 그리고 미소지으세요>,<자기 돌봄> … 총 40종 (모두보기)

추선희 (옮긴이) 

저자파일

 

최고의 작품 투표

 

신간알림 신청

경북대학교 영어교육과를 졸업하고 십여 년간 영어교사로 근무하다가, 영남대학교 심리학과 박사과정을 수료하고 심리학 관련 번역 및 강의를 하고 있다.

번역서 『쉬는 마음』, 『처음 만나는 명상레슨』, 공역서로 『긍정심리학』, 『현대인의 생활심리학』, 『마음이 지닌 치유의 힘』 등이 있고, 수필집으로 『시시 미미』, 『명함』이 있다.

최근작 : <시시 미미>,<명함>,<다만 오직 그냥> … 총 11종 (모두보기)

출판사 제공 책소개

타라 브랙 7년 만에 신작

2020년 1월 1일, 출간 즉시 미국 아마존닷컴 베스트셀러

혜민 스님, 대니얼 시겔 등 강력 추천

2003년 미국에서 발행된 타라 브랙의 첫 책 『받아들임(Radical Acceptance)』은 출간된 해부터 2020년 현재까지 미국 아마존닷컴의 장기베스트셀러에 올라 있다. 이어 2013년 발행된 그녀의 두 번째 책 『호흡하세요 그리고 미소지으세요(True Refuge)』 역시 큰 반향을 일으켰다. 두 권의 책 출간 이후 그녀는 지속적으로 온오프라인 강의와 수련회를 통해 수많은 사람을 만났고 자책과 후회에 빠진 많은 사람들을 위로하며 세계적인 명상 지도자, 심리 치료사로서의 명성을 이어갔다. 120년 전통의 세계적인 영성 잡지인 영국의 <왓킨스(Watkins)>지(誌)도 이런 그녀의 활동을 인정해 매년 선정하는 ‘현존하는 영적 스승 100인’에 교황 프란치스코(Francis), 달라이 라마(Dalai Lama), 데스몬드 투투(Desmond Tutu) 등과 함께 타라 브랙의 이름을 빠뜨리지 않고 있다.

그런 타라 브랙이 두 번째 책 이후에 7년 만에 『끌어안음(Radical Compassion』으로 돌아왔다. 영문 도서 출간 전 원고를 읽어본 혜민 스님, 대니얼 시겔 등 많은 치유 마스터, 심리학자, 뇌과학자 들이 책의 내용에 대해 극찬을 했으며, 2020년 1월 1일 미국에서 공개되자마자 아마존닷컴 등 주요 온오프라인 서점의 베스트셀러 목록에 올랐다.

그런데 그녀의 글이 독자들에게 이렇게 유독 사랑 받는 이유는 무엇일까? 독자들은 이구동성 “내 얘기를 하는 것만 같은 느낌”이라고 말한다. 직장과 가정에서의 엇박자, 연인과의 갈등, 차별과 배제의 고통 등 누구나 한번은 겪어봤음직한 이야기들이 그녀가 살펴보는 대상이다. 그리고 그 속에서 생긴 외로움·상처·두려움을 어떻게 마주해야 하는지에 대해 차분하지만 실질적인 해결책을 제시한다.

『끌어안음』에서도 역시 그녀 특유의 고요함 속의 따뜻함으로 독자들과 만난다. 차이점이라면 두 번째 책 그리고 이후 수행 과정에서 제시했던 RAIN, 즉 인지하기(Recognize)-인정하기(Allow)-살펴보기(Investigate)-보살피기(Nurture)로 이어지는 치유 수행에 대한 이야기가 본격적으로 진행된다는 것이다. 특히 이번 책에서는 누군가의 도움이 없이도 직접 실천해 볼 수 있는 구체적인 ‘지도’가 제시된다. 책 속에 간간히 삽입된 ‘성찰 연습’, ‘명상 연습’은 독자들에게 스스로 실천해 볼 수 있는 매뉴얼을 제공하며 또 질의응답을 통해 누구나 일상이나 수행 중 자주 일어나는 궁금증이 다른 사람의 질문을 거쳐 타라 브랙을 통해 설명된다. 왜 이런 수행이 필요한지 그리고 일상에서 일어나는 사소한 일들에 대해 어떻게 대처할 수 있는지에 대해 타라 브랙은 씨줄과 날줄을 엮어 촘촘히 답변하고 있다.

“우리는 적자생존한 존재가 아니라 보살핌으로 생존한 존재다.”

무엇인가 잘못됐을 때 우리는 두 가지 딱지를 준비한다. 하나는 상대방에 대한 비난이다. ‘너 때문에’, ‘그 사람 때문에’ 혹은 ‘네가 그렇게 하지만 않았어도’ 같은 것들이다. 또 하나의 딱지가 있다. 바로 자책 혹은 자기-비난이다. “나는 정말 쓸모없는 인간이야.”, “나 때문에 일이 이 지경이 됐어.”, “나는 정말 사랑받고 있을까?”와 같은 생각을 한다.

마음챙김의 수준에서는 이런 식의 대응을 ‘자동 반응’이라고 부른다. 타라 브랙은 이 책에서 이런 자동 반응을 ‘무가치한 트랜스(trance) 상태’라고 명명했다. 자신의 생각이나 행동에 대한 통제력을 갖지 못하는 상태다.

딱지 붙이기는 사실 인류의 발전과 함께 성장한 ‘자연스러운 것’이다. 친숙함은 안전을 의미했고 낯선 사람은 잠재적 위협이었다. 차별과 배제 역시 마찬가지다. 하지만 이제 우리는 꼭 그렇다고 말할 수는 없다. 언어・의사소통・협업의 단계에 본격적으로 접어들면서 공감과 연민, 생존 뇌의 자동반응을 가라앉히거나 조절하는 전두엽 피질의 능력이 절정에 달했다. 우리는 적자생존한 존재이기도 하지만 보살핌이 없이 생존할 수 없는 존재가 되었다.

예를 들어 숲속을 산책하다가 나무 옆에 앉아있는 개를 본다고 상상해 보자. 반갑게 다가가는데 갑자기 개가 어금니를 드러내며 달려든다. 놀라고 겁이 난 당신은 뒤로 물러난다. 생존을 위한 자연스러운 반응이다. 그런데 그때 개의 한 발이 덫에 걸린 것을 보게 된다. 당신의 마음은 완전히 달라진다. 이제 걱정이 한가득이다. 그렇지만 위험할지 모르기 때문에 너무 가까이 가지는 않는다. 그래도 정말 개를 도와주고 싶다. 그 개가 상처와 고통 때문에 공격한다는 것을 깨닫는 순간 비난이 보살핌으로 변한다.

이렇게 덫에 걸린 개처럼 누군가에게 상처를 입히는 행동을 하는 것은 그 또는 그녀가 어떤 고통스러운 덫에 걸렸다는 걸 이해해야 한다.

타인뿐 아니라 자신을 비난하는 것 역시 마찬가지다. 부정적인 자기-신념 중 가장 막강한 것은 어린 시절의 두려움과 상처다. 우리는 생존을 위한 부정성 편향으로 인해 행복했던 일보다 고통스러웠던 일을 훨씬 더 잘 기억한다. 긍정적인 말보다 비판적인 언급을, 아름다운 석양보다 개에게 물렸던 일을 더 잘 기억한다. 이 역시 보살핌이 필요하다.

타라 브랙은 이런 ‘딱지 붙이기’ 행동을 멈출 수 있는 것은 트랜스에 맞서 현존감을 갖는 것이라고 말한다. 그녀가 제시하는 현존감은 “근본적인 연민(Radical Compassion)”이다. 넓혀 말하면 이 책의 제목으로 제시한 “끌어안음”이다.

근본적인 연민은 마음챙김적 현존감에 뿌리를 두고 있으며, 모든 존재에 대한 보살핌을 통해 적극적으로 표현된다. 치유제에서는 늘 보살핌, 연민, 용서의 향기가 난다. 어떻게 보면 자신에게 “제발, 좀 친절하게 대해.”라고 말하는 것이다. 이렇게 사랑이 가득한 현존감을 향하는 것이 진정한 자신의 삶으로 가는 입구이다.

트랜스 VS 현존감

트랜스 상태에 빠지면 우리는 안전감을 느끼지 못한다. 사랑을 받지 못한다는 느낌을 갖게 된다. 안전감을 느끼지 못하면 권력이나 돈을 좇는다. 사랑받지 못한다고 느끼면 계속 인정을 추구하거나 애정을 받을 거란 희망으로 성취를 쌓아올린다. 욕구가 근본적으로 충족되지 못하면 고착이 강화되고, 욕망은 갈구와 중독 행동으로 변하는 것이다. 트랜스 상태에 빠지게 되면 생각에 함몰되고 몸과 단절되며 가슴과 따로 논다. 외로움·상처·두려움이 반복된다.

자동반응적인 트랜스 상태에 있는 것은 자전거 페달을 밟아 현재 순간에서 점점 멀어지는 것과 비슷하다. 스트레스를 많이 느낄수록 페달을 더 빨리 밟는다. 자녀를 무시한 것, 중독의 광란, 사고를 낸 것, 학대받는 관계를 유지했던 것 등 가장 후회스러운 일이 무엇이든, 모든 것은 자동반응적 트랜스 상태에 갇혀있을 때 일어난다. 트랜스 상태에서는 방향을 바꿀 수 없고 자신과 타인에게 친절할 수 없다.

현존감을 위해 멈추는 것은 여기 존재하는 것을 인지하고 인정하고 페달 밟기를 멈출 때 시작된다. 우리는 습관적인 통제, 즉 불쾌함과 불편함을 회피하고 쾌감을 추구하려는 전략에서 벗어나는 법을 배우려고 한다. 일상에서 비공식적으로 이런 멈춤을 연습하는 것은 불편하거나 두려울 수도 있고, 활력을 주거나 편안할 수도 있다. 기분이 어떻든, 멈춤은 자신의 가슴과 함께 하는 삶, 현존감으로 가는 입구다.

그런데 자신이 트랜스 상태라는 걸 스스로 알아차리는 게 쉽지 않다. 나는 그 정도까지는 아니라고? 살펴보자.

트랜스의 징조를 알아차리는 방법은 여러 가지다. 사소한 것이 “너무 크게” 느껴지거나, 온라인상의 링크를 따라가다가 한 시간을 허비했거나, 목이 불편해지고 어깨가 올라가면서 딱딱해지고, 몇 시간째 불안한 상태임을 깨닫거나 가게에 들렀는데, 눈에 보이는 모든 여자들의 몸과 내 몸을 비교하고 있음을 알아차린다. 모든 사람이 싫고 세상에 트집을 잡고 싶다. 누가 더 우위에 있는지 알려고 계속 다른 사람을 평가한다.

저자는 이런 트랜스에서 유턴할 것을, 그리고 그 방법을 우선 제시한다.

타인, 잡념, 혹은 지금 진행 중인 일에 대한 지나치게 정서적인 이야기 등의 외부적 고착에서 벗어나 실제적이고 생생한 몸의 경험 쪽으로 집중을 돌릴 때마다 우리는 유턴을 하는 셈이다. 이는 공포 영화를 보면서 스크린에 흐르는 이야기에 완전히 빠져 있다가 갑자기 정신이 드는 것과 같다. 괜찮아, 그냥 영화일 뿐이야. 수백 명과 함께 보고 있는데, 뭘. 의자도 느낄 수 있고 숨도 잘 쉬고 있잖아. 그러고는 자신의 현존감을 알아차리고 현실로 돌아온다.

RAIN 수행이란?

타라 브랙은 이런 트랜스 상태에서 유턴하는 방법으로 RAIN 수행을 제시한다. RAIN 수행은 인지하기(Recognize), 인정하기(Allow), 살펴보기(Investigate), 보살피기(Nurture)의 첫 글자를 딴 것이다.

각각은 이렇다.

R : 일어나고 있는 것을 인지하기

지금 일어난 상황을 떠올리면서 자신에게 질문한다. “바로 지금 이 순간 내 안에서 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는가?” 당신은 어떤 감각을 가장 잘 감지하는가? 어떤 정서를? 마음에 생각이 휘몰아치고 있는가? 잠시 동안 가장 많은 부분을 차지하는 것이나 그 상황의 전반적인 정서를 자각한다.

A : 삶을 있는 그대로 인정하기

이 모든 경험을 “그냥 두라”는 메시지를 가슴으로 보낸다. 멈추고 이 순간에 존재하는 것을 “있는 그대로” 받아들이려는 의지를 자신의 내면에서 찾아본다. “예스.”, “동의합니다.”, 혹은 “그대로 둬.”와 같은 말을 속으로 되뇌어도 좋다. 당신은 아마 내면의 거대한 “노”, 즉 저항하느라 고통스럽게 오그라든 몸과 마음에 예스, 라 할 것이다. “나는 이게 싫어!”라고 하는 그곳에 예스, 라고 말할 것이다. 이는 진행상 자연스러운 과정이다.

I : 부드러우면서 호기심에 찬 주의집중으로 살펴보기

자신의 경험에 다정하게 관심을 갖고 집중한다. 아래 질문들이 도움이 될 수 있다.

◦ 최악인 부분, 즉 가장 집중해야 하는 부분은 어디인가?

◦ 내가 가진 신념 중 가장 힘들고 고통스러운 것은 무엇인가?

◦ 이 신념은 어떤 정서를 일으키는가(두려움, 분노, 슬픔)?

◦ 이것에 대한 감정은 몸 어느 부분에서 가장 강하게 느껴지는가? (참고 : 목, 가슴, 배 부분을 훑어보는 것이 도움이 된다.)

◦ 이런 감정의 증상은 어떤 것인가(조이거나, 쓰리거나, 뜨겁거나 등)?

◦ 이런 감정과 정서를 가장 잘 드러내는 표정과 자세는 어떤 것일까?

◦ 이것은 이전에 이미 경험했던 익숙한 감정인가?

◦ 가장 취약한 상처와 소통할 수 있다면, 그 상처는 어떤 표현(말,감정, 이미지)을 할까?

◦ 이 상처는 어떤 식으로 내가 함께 하길 원할까?

◦ 이 상처는 (나 자신, 혹은 사랑과 지혜라는 보다 큰 근원에게서) 무엇을 가장 바랄까?

N : 사랑이 가득한 현존감으로 보살피기

무엇이 필요한지 느껴질 때 당신은 어떻게 반응하는가? 자신의 가장 지혜롭고 따뜻한 부분을 불러들여 스스로에게 사랑의 메시지를 전하거나 내면으로 부드러운 포옹을 보낼 것이다. 가슴에 가만히 손을 얹을 수도 있다. 자신의 어린 부분이 은은하게 반짝이는 빛에 둘러싸여 있는 모습을 그려볼 수도 있다. 부모님이나 반려 동물, 선생님이나 영적 지도자 등 당신이 믿는 이가 당신을 사랑스럽게 안는다는 상상을 할 수 있다. 말이나 접촉, 이미지나 에너지 등 마음 내키는 대로 자신의 내면의 생명과 친해지는 방법을 시도하라. 어떤 것이 보살피는 느낌을 가장 많이 주는지, 어떤 것이 가장 상처받기 쉬운 부분에게 사랑과 관심, 안전감을 주는지 찾아보라. 시간을 충분히 갖고 마음에게 보살핌을 전달하고 수용하게 하라.

타라 브랙은 실제 RAIN으로 길러진 근본적 연민으로 수많은 사람들이 치유되는 것을 목격했다고 말한다.

지난 2017년 에서도 이런 타라 브랙의 RAIN을 집중 방영한 적이 있다. RAIN 수행은 마음챙김과 자신 안의 연민을 깨워 타인들과 다정한 관계를 맺도록 이끌어주는 방법이다. 책을 통해 직접 만나보자. 접기

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타라 브랙의 책이 번역되는 것은 반가운 일이지만 왜 책 표지에 낙서를 써 놓는 것인지 참 출판사 편집자의 의식수준이 의심스럽군요. 

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[끌어안음] 진정한 나 자신으로 살아갈 용기 새창으로 보기

죽음을 앞둔 사람들이 가장 크게 후회하는 것은 뭘까? 공부를 열심히 하지 않은 것? 돈을 더 많이 벌지 못한 것? 미국의 저명한 위빠사나 명상가이자 임상심리학자인 타라 브랙의 신간 <끌어안음>에 따르면, 죽음을 앞둔 사람들이 가장 후회하는 것은 "진정한 나 자신으로 살아갈 용기"가 없었던 것이라고 한다. 이건 어쩌면 죽음을 앞둔 사람들뿐만 아니라 그렇지 않은 사람들에게도 마찬가지가 아닐까.

타라 브랙은 이 책에서 "진정한 나 자신으로 살아갈 용기"를 내려면 자기 자신을 사랑하고 치유에 도달해야 한다고 말한다. 부모에 대한 증오, 실패에 대한 두려움, 지독한 자기 연민, 외로움에 대한 공포 같은 감정들을 해소해야만 자기 자신을 진정으로 사랑할 수 있고, 누구와도 다른 나 자신으로서 세상에 맞설 수 있다. 그리고 자기 자신을 사랑하기 위해선 지속적으로 마음챙김 훈련을 해야 한다.

저자가 개발한 마음챙김 훈련법의 이름은 RAIN이다. 인지하기(Recognize), 인정하기(Allow), 살펴보기(Investigate), 보살피기(Nurture)의 약자다. 마음을 가라앉히기 위해서는 일단 내 안에 자리 잡고 있는 불안한 생각과 죄책감을 인지해야 한다. 그다음에는 호흡하기와 내버려두기를 하면서 불안감이나 죄책감을 판단하지 않고 자연스럽게 인정해야 한다. 부정적인 감정을 인정한 후에는 감정의 이면에 도사리고 있는 믿음을 확인해야 한다. 마음이 불안하다면 실패에 대한 두려움 때문인지, 성공에 대한 불신 때문인지 가려야 한다. 마지막으로 "괜찮아. 다 잘 될 거야."같은 말로 마음을 다독인다.

마음챙김이 필요한 상태를 전문 용어로 '트랜스'라고 일컫는다. 트랜스 상태에 있는 사람은 사물을 합리적으로 판단하지 못하고 본능이나 무의식에 의해 조종당한다. 가까운 예로, 과자나 초콜릿 같은 당도 높은 간식을 자기도 모르게 마구 먹어치우는 경우, 유명 인사는 물론 주변 사람들의 온갖 사생활에 간섭을 하는 경우, 끊임없이 남과 나를 비교하고 우위에 서고 싶어 하는 경우, 인터넷이나 스마트폰에 빠지면 한두 시간은 기본으로 흘려보내는 경우 등이 있다.

트랜스의 반대 상태는 '현존감'이라고 부른다. 현존감은 말 그대로 현재, 현실에 존재하는 감각이다. 현존감을 확보한 사람은 사물을 있는 그대로 보고 편안하게 받아들인다. 머릿속에 맴도는 생각이나 마음을 들썩이는 감정에 좌우되지 않고 실제적인 이 순간의 경험에 집중한다. 책에는 트랜스 상태를 줄이고 현존감을 더 많이 확보할 수 있는 명상법과 그 효과에 대해 자세히 나온다. 이 책에 나온 명상법을 꾸준히 훈련하면서 나도 "진정한 나 자신으로 살아갈 용기"를 얻고 싶다.

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끌어안음 / 타라 브랙의 RAIN 수행 새창으로 보기

마음이 요동치는 요즘, 책을 읽으며 치유의 시간을 가져본다. 적어도 책을 읽는 시간 만큼은 마음을 달랠 수 있으니 말이다. 이 책도 그런 의미에서 선택했다. 이 책의 제목과 표지 그림을 보는 것만으로도 마음이 녹아내리는 듯 동글동글해진다. 자책과 후회없이 세상을 살아가는 방법이 끌어안음이라고 한다. 구체적으로 어떤 내용이 담겨있을지 궁금해서 이 책『끌어안음』을 읽어보게 되었다.

 

 

이 책의 저자는 타라 브랙. 미국의 저명한 위빠사나 명상가이자 임상심리학자이다. 미국 전역의 명상센터에서 명상을 가르치고 있으며, 정신 건강 전문가들을 대상으로 수많은 강의를 하고 워크숍을 이끌고 있다.

마음챙김과 연민이 절실하게 필요할 때 이 양날개를 펼쳐주는 근본적인 연민을 훈련하는 법을 나누고자 이 책을 쓴다. 이 책은 자신에게 진실한 삶을 막는 고통스런 신념과 정서를 치유하고 놓아버리는 것을 도와줄 것이다. 이 훈련법을 RAIN이라 한다. 이 명칭은 인지하기(Recognize), 인정하기(Allow), 살펴보기(Investigate), 보살피기(Nurture)라는 네 단계의 첫 철자를 딴 것이다. 이 훈련법은 나에게 그러했듯, 당신에게도 정서적 고통 바로 그 자리에서 치유와 자유를 찾아내는 믿음직한 길을 제시할 수 있다. (19쪽_서문 中)

이 책은 총 3부로 구성된다. 1부 '집중이 지닌 치유의 힘', 2부 '내면의 삶으로 RAIN 들여오기', 3부 'RAIN과 인간관계'로 나뉜다. RAIN은 명료하게 한다, RAIN은 삶에 예스라고 말한다, RAIN은 진정한 자기가 드러나게 한다, 부정적 자기- 신념 내보내기, 수치심에서 벗어나기, 두려움에서 깨어나기, 자신의 깊은 갈망 찾아보기, 용서의 RAIN, 미덕을 바라보기, 연민의 RAIN, 기억해야 할 네 가지: 깨어있는 가슴으로 살아가기 등의 내용을 담겨 있다. 부록 1 '두문자어 RAIN의 진화'와 부록2 'RAIN의 동반자'가 수록되어 있다. 이 책에 실린 성찰 연습, 명상 연습, 복습 등에 대한 페이지가 따로 수록되어 있다.

이 책을 읽으며 RAIN이라는 독특한 훈련법에 호기심이 생겼는데, 이 명칭은 저자가 처음 사용하는 것이 아니라, 원래 1980년대에 불교 지도자인 미셸 맥도날드에 의해 명상 안내법으로 소개되었고, 이후 마음챙김 지도자들이 여러 방식으로 활용하고 있다고 한다. 이 책을 통해 RAIN에 대해 처음 접해보는 독자로서는 1부부터 차례대로 RAIN에 대해 익혀본다. 1부에서 RAIN의 각 단계에 대한 개요를 살펴보고, 2부에서 내면으로 RAIN을 불러들여 적용시키기, 3부에서 인간관계로의 여행을 시작해본다. 단계별로 실행해보면 근본적 연민, 사랑의 축복을 찾아낼 수 있다고 하니 직접 해보면 좋을 것이다. 

 

내 안의 수치심, 죄책감, 부정적 자기 신념에서 벗어나 자유를 되찾을 수 있는 훌륭한 책입니다.

_혜민 스님,『완벽하지 않은 것들에 대한 사랑』,『멈추면, 비로소 보이는 것들』의 저자

지혜는 내가 아무것도 아니라 말하지.

사랑은 내가 전부라고 말하지.

그리고 이 둘 사이로 나의 삶이 흘러가네.

_스리 니사가다타

이 책을 읽다보면 스리 니사가다타의 글을 접하게 되는데, 읽을 때마다 내 마음에 들어와 잔상을 남긴다. 어쩌면 이 책을 읽게 된 계기가 이 문장을 만나기 위해서였다는 생각도 들면서 마음에 커다란 흔적으로 남는다.

이 책은 천천히 곱씹으며 읽기를 권한다. 단계별로 깊숙히 자신 안으로 침잠할 수 있도록 안내해주기 때문이다. 막연한 생각들을 구체적으로 단계별로 하다보면, 내 안에서 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지, 내가 이것과 함께 있을 수 있는지 혹은 내버려둘 것인지 등등 RAIN의 네 단계 즉 인지하기, 인정하기, 살펴보기, 보살피기를 통해 내 안의 생각들을 정리해볼 수 있다. 명상 연습법과 함께 구체적인 방법을 제시해주니 마음의 균형을 찾는 듯한 느낌이다. 표지부터 내용까지 나를 부드럽고 잔잔하게 해주는 책이다. 일독을 권한다.

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카일라스 2020-03-14 공감(7) 댓글(0)

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끌어안음 새창으로 보기

마음챙김과 연민이 절실하게 필요할 때 이 양날개를 펼쳐주는 근본적인 연민을 훈련하는 법을 나누구자 이 책을 쓴다. 이 책은 자신에게 진실한 삶을 막는 고통스런 신념과 정서를 치유하고 놓아버리는 것을 도와줄 것이다. 이 훈련법을 RAIN 이라 한다. 이 명칭은 인지하기(Recognize),인정하기 (Allow),살펴보기(Investigate),보살피기(Nurture)라는 네 단계의 첫 철자를 딴 것이다. 이 훈련법은 나에게 그러했듯, 당신에게도 정서적 고통 바로 그 자리에서 치유와 자유를 찾아내는 믿음직한 길을 제시할 수 있다. (-19-)

숲에서 길을 잃었을 대, 잠시 쉬면서 소란한 생각에서 벗어나 매순간의 경험을 알아차리는 것만으로도 명료해질 수 있다.나는 이 깨어있는 즉각적 알아차림을 "현존감"이라 부른다.이것은 의식 영성 불성,본성,깨어있는 마음 등으로 불린다. 현존감과 다시 온전하게 연결되면 감각,감정,사고 내의 변화무쌍한 흐름을 저항 없이 받아들일 수 있다.(-30-)

우리는 모두 현존감을 맛본다. 잠들기 전 고요하고 편안한 가운데 지붕에 닿는 빗소리를 들으며 현존감 안에서 휴식한다. 별이 찬란한 밤하늘을 경이롭게 바라볼 때처럼 배경이 되는 현존감도 있다.누군가의 예기치 못한 다정함이 고마워질 때도 현존감을 향해 열려있는 상태다. 생과 사를 목격할 때 느끼는 현존감은 결코 잊지 못하리라. 과거와 미래는 물러나고 생각은 잠잠해지고 바로 지금,여기 존재함을 자각한다. (-36-)

다음 단계인 인정하기는 막 알아차린 사고, 저서, 감정,감각을 "내버려 두는 "것이다. "내가 이것과 함께 있을 수 있을까?" 혹은 "내가 이것을 내버려둘 수 있을까?" 라는 질문으로 시작한다. 이에 저항감을 느끼는 것은 당연하다. (-53-)

우리는 생존을 위한 부정성 편향으로 인해 행복했던 일보다 고통스러웠던 일을 훨씬 더 잘 기억한다. 긍정적인 말보다 비판적인 언급을, 아름다운 석양보다 개에게 물렸던 일을 잘 기억한다.심리학자 릭 헨슨의 표현대로 "뇌는 부정적 경험에는 벨크로지만 긍정적 경험에는 테플론인 셈이다."(-86-)

제니스는 유턴을 하여 내면으로 관심을 돌렸고 이것이 출발점이 되었다.그녀는 감정 덩어리를 인지했고,그것으로 자신을 판단하는 대신, 그 감정을 내치지 않고 고통을 인정했다.그런 다음 몇 차례 호홉을 한 후 바로 앉아 고통을 인정했다.그런 다음 몇 차례 호홉을 한 후 바로 앉고 ,일어나고 있는 일을 더 잘 느끼려고 애쓰면서 물었다.(-93-)

이제 가장 지혜롭고 사랑스런 자기인,미래 자기,깨어난 가슴을 불러내어 당신의 상처를 보고 느끼게 하라.어떤 메시지,접촉, 에너지, 이미지가 당신 내면의 상처를 가장 잘 치유하ㅐ줄까? 그것을 제공하소, 취약한 부분이 보살핌의 에너지를 받아 그 속에 잠기도록 하라. (-101-)

우리는 이 안에 함께 있다.나쁨에 대한 가장 사악한 메시지는 우리 사회에 박혀 있는 것들이다.문화는 좋은/나쁜,옳은/그른, 우등한/열등한 이야기를 기반으로 조직화되어 모든 이들에게 여러 층위의 수치심을 일으킨다. (-119-)

내 경험에 의하면 두려움은 사라지지 않는다.삶은 본래 안전하지 않다.우리는 사랑하는 사람을 잃고, 관계에 실패하고,직장에서 뒤처지고 ,몸은 소멸하고,세상에는 폭력이 끊이질 않으며, 지구의 생테계와 종은 계속 위혐을 받고 있다.궁극적으로 우리는 삶과 죽음을 통제할 수 없다. (-138-)

"나를 바라보고,나를 좋아하고,내가 자기 아들이길 바라는,그런 아버지를 결코 가질 수 없을거야."큰 소리로 말하면서 스테판은 손으로 얼굴을 감싸고 울기 시작했다.분노와 비난이 덮고 있던 고통,깊은 상실의 슬픔이었다. (-192-)

익숙함을 버리려면 새로운 눈으로 바라보고 순수한 호기심을 지니는 연습을 해야 한다. 내가 좋아하는 방법은 사애방의 눈을 보고 그 빚깔에 감탄하는 것에서 시작하는 것이다.그런 다음 그 눈으로 세상을 보는 그 사람으로 경이감을 확장한다.이사람이 지금 가장 적정하는 것은 무엇일까? 이 사람을 처음, 혹은 마지막으로 만나는 것이라면 어떤 현존감과 보살핌을 주고 싶을까?헤어지고 난 후 이 사람의 어떤 기본 미덕을 기억하게 될까?(-221-)

우리는 잠시 멈춰 여기 존재하는 것에 예스,라고 말하면서,사랑을 향하고 자각 안에서 휴식하면서 ,근본적인 연민의 씨앗을 뿌린다. 이것이 현존감을 발달시켜 연민으로 살도록 ,깨어난 가슴에 진실하게 살도록 우리를 인내한다. (-282-)

누군가 미워하는 사람을 사랑하고, 용서하고 끌어안을 수 있다면 얼마나 좋을까, 현실은 그렇지 못하다.그래서 우리는 끊임없이 고통 속에서 나 자신을 옥죄고 있다. 누구를 위로하고, 누구를 보듬어 안을 수 있는 마음과 준비가 덜 되어 있다.미워하기는 쉬워도 사랑하기는 어렵다. 질투하고, 반목하는 것도 마찬가지이다. 이처럼 우리 앞에 놓여진 것들은 하는 것보다 하지 않는게 더 어럽다는 걸 살아가면서 느끼면서 현존한다.인간이 가진 신념에 나 스스로 어떤 행동을 하는 것을 가로막고 있으며, 변화를 구하지 않는 삶을 당연하게 생각한다.그 과정에서 우리는 과거를 내다보고 미래를 내다보면서,정작 현재에 충실하지 못한 삶을 살아갈 수 밖에 없는 그런 미숙한 존재에 불과하였다.이 책은 바로 그런 우리의 자아를 돌보고, 인간의 분노와 갈등의 원인을 짚어나가고 있었다.누군가 미워하는 대상의 그 미움의 뿌리 안에 상처가 있다는 걸 알게 될 때 우리는 그 분노의 에너지를 거두게 되고, 부살핌으로 전환할 수 있다.문제는 그 사람의 상처를 이해하고 공감하지 않는 세태에 있다. 실제 우리는 그런 삶을 살아가야 하지만, 현실은 그렇지 못하고 있다.저자는 바로 우런 우리의 문제점음 익숙함에 젖어드는 삶 그 자체에 문제가 노출되고 있음을 놓치지 않고 있다.내 안의 익숙함을 내려놓고 같은 대상을 새롭게 바라볼 수 있다면, 사람을 용서하게 되고, 믿음과 사람으로 그 사람을 바라볼 수 있다.

책에는 새로운 단어가 등장한다.그 단어가 바로 "현존감"이다. 우리는 자연과 가까워질 때 현존감을 느끼게 된다 나 자신의 의식이 명료해지고,내 앞에 놓여진 것들에 대해서 신선하거나 신성시 할 때 그 현존감은 깊숙하게 내 앞에 놓여질 수 있다.여기서 우리가 생각하는 현존감의 실체는 바로 우리 그 자체의 삶과 엮이게 된다.나 스스로 현존감은 언제 나타나는지 날고 있다면, 스스로 현존감을 찾기 위해 애를 쓸 것이다.공교롭게도 현존감은 일시적이며, 소멸되는 특징을 가지고 있다.하지만 현존감을 느끼는 그 순간의 기억은 오래 지속될 수 있다.우리가 언제 어디에서,누군가에게 현존감을 느낄 때, 그 삼박자를 내 앞에 놓으려 할 것이다.바로 이 책에서 강조하고 있는 대목은 여기에 있으며, 우리 스스로 나를 위로하는 방법을 스스로 하나 하나 짚어나가고, 찾아보고 있었다.

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깐도리 2020-04-14 공감(5) 댓글(0)

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끌어안음 새창으로 보기

분노, 중요한 일에 대한 실패의 두려움, 자기-의심, 혹은 외로움이든 다를 바 없다. 신체 이동성 관련 역격이든 행복감이든 마찬가지다. 치유제에서는 늘 보살핌, 연민, 용서의 향기가 난다. 어떻게 보면 자신에게 "제발, 좀 친절하게 대해."라고 말하는 것이다 .이렇게 사랑이 가득한 현존감을 향하는 것이 진정한 자신의 삶으로 가는 입구이다. 

18쪽

타라 브랙의 <끌어안음>은 시련이나 상처앞에서 자기를 부정하고 비난하며 때로는 죄책감으로 더 큰 상처를 주는 사람들에게RAIN훈련법을 통해 극복할 수 있음을 보여주는 책이다. RAIN훈련법이란 Recognize(인지하기), Allow(인정하기), Investigate (살펴보기), Nuture(보살피기) 등의 4단계를 말한다. 책에 나온 것처럼 RAIN명칭을 처음 사용한 사람은 저자인 타라 브랙이 아닌 1980년대에 불교 지도자인 미셸 맥도날드며, 명상 안내법으로 소개된 후 마음챙김의 여러 지도자들이 각자의 방식으로 활용하고 있다고 한다. 저자는 이 방법중에서 '자기 연민'을 강조하는 방식으로 RAIN훈련법을 활용하고 있는 것이다. 

각 챕터별로 RAIN의 구체적인 내용과 훈련방법을 안내해주고 실제 사례를 통해 어떻게 극복할 수 있는지를 보여준다. 마지막으로 자기자신을 떠나 타인을 용서할 뿐 아니라 원만한 인간관계를 위해서도 RAIN훈련법을 적용할 수 있음을 보여준다. 개인적으로는 직접적인 훈련을 받은 사람들의 사례보다 훈련과 관련하여 진행된 QnA에 해당되는 부분들이 좋았다. 가령 어린시절 학대당한 상처가 성인이 되어 자녀에게 똑같이 받은대로 돌려주는 아내가 잘못된 것이 맞지 않느냐는 질문에 저자는 그녀를 무조건적으로 비난해서는 안된다고 말한다. 단순히 비난해서는 안된다고 말하는 것은 아니었다. 남편이 알고 있는 것처럼 아내 또한 어린시절 부모로부터 상처를 받았고, 유년기의 안좋았던 상처는 성인이 되었다고 하더라도 옳고그름에 있어서 제대로 판단하는 것이 쉽지 않을 뿐 더라 주변사람들로 하여금 비난받았을 때 오히려 더 안좋은 결과를 초래한다고 말한다. 얼마전에 읽었던 유년시절의 상처가 정신 뿐 아니라 신체적으로 드러나는 질병으로 이어질 수 있다는 책의 내용도 생각났을 뿐 아니라 배우 한지민 주연의 <미쓰리>에서도 나왔던 것처럼 학대받은 아이가 커서 똑같은 학대의 악순환으로 이어질 수 있는 확률이 높으며 실제 학대하는 부모의 대부분이 어린시절 학대당한 경우가 많다는 내용이 생각났다. 즉 질문을 던졌던 남편은 성인이라면 당연히 자녀를 학대해서는 안되는 줄 알아야 하며, 이를 비난하고 깨닫게 해줘야하는게 아니냐고 묻지만 저자는 그녀역시 학대받았기 때문에 보통의 성인과 똑같이 판단해서는 안된다는 것, 그녀역시도 자기연민, RAIN훈련법을 통해 극복해야 한다고 답해준 것이었다. 

학대라고 표현했지만 실제 책에서는 아이를 때린다는 정도로만 표현되었기 때문에 뉴스나 영화속에 등장하는 심각한 상태는 아니었다. 만약 그랬다면 질문을 던진 남편은 물론 저자도 마음챙김 훈련법을 권할 게 아니라 경찰에 신고부터 했을 것이다. 혹시나 리뷰를 보고 오해할 수 있을 것 같아 부연설명을 적었다. 더불어 마음챙김, 훈련이란 단어가 다소 불편할 수도 있겠지만 부정적인 내면을 올바르게 정리하고 싶다는 생각, 잘못된 생각으로 나 뿐 아니라 가족들마저 고통받고 있다면 신체 뿐 아니라 마음의 질병을 고치겠다는 생각에 집중해서 읽어보는 것도 괜찮을 것 같다. 특히 자신의 몸은 물론 자녀가 아플 때 '내가 무엇을 잘못했길래'라면 자기탓으로 돌린 적이 있다면 자기연민이 꼭 필요하다고 생각한다.

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리제 2020-03-17 공감(4) 댓글(0)

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외로움, 상처, 두려움 등을 어떻게 마주해야 할까? 새창으로 보기

이 책은 자신에게 진실한 삶을 막는 고통스런 신념과 정서를 치유하고 놓아버리는 것을 도와줄 것이다. 이 훈련법을 RAIN이라 한다. 이 명칭은 인지하기, 인정하기, 살펴보기, 보살피기라는 네 단계의 첫 글자를 딴 것이다. 이 훈련법은 나에게 그러했듯, 당신에게도 정서적 고통 바로 그 자리에서 치유와 자유를 찾아내는 믿음직한 길을 제시할 수 있다. - '서문' 중에서

 

 

진정한 행복과 자유를 찾아서

 

책의 저자 타라 브랙은 미국의 임상 심리학자이자 대표적인 불교 명상가로, 산타바바라에 있는 필딩대학원에서 임상심리학 박사학위를 받고 워싱턴 통찰명상 공동체를 창립했다. 35년 넘게 위빠사나(마음챙김) 명상을 위주로 수행하고 가르쳐온 그녀는 서양의 심리학과 동양의 불교명상을 결합한 심리치유 프로그램으로 정신적 고통을 받는 사람들에게 큰 공감과 위로를 주었다.

 

저자의 첫 책 <받아들임>은 출간 즉시 화제를 모으며 베스트셀러가 되었는데, 이 책에서 그녀는 행복한 삶의 원동력을 '받아들이는 힘'에서 찾았다. 힘을 키우는 방법으로 '근본적 수용' 훈련을 제시했다. 근본적 수용이란 자신의 경험을 있는 그대로 보고 받아들이는 것을 말한다.

 

뭔가 잘못됐을 때 우리는 두 가지 딱지를 준비한다. 하나는 상대방에 대한 비난이다. '너 때문에', '그 사람 때문에', '네가 그렇게 하지만 않았어도' 같은 것들이다. 또 하나의 딱지는 바로 자책 혹은 자기-비난이다. "나는 정말 쓸모없는 인간이야.", "나 때문에 일이 이 지경이 됐어.", "나는 정말 사랑받고 있을까?"와 같은 생각을 한다.

 

마음챙김의 수준에서는 이런 식의 대응을 '자동 반응'이라고 부르는데, 이 책에서는 이런 자동 반응을 '무가치한 트랜스(trance) 상태'라고 명명했다. 자신의 생각이나 행동에 대한 통제력을 갖지 못하는 상태다. 딱지 붙이기는 사실 인류의 발전과 함께 성장한 '자연스러운 것' 이다. 트랜스 상태에 빠지게 되면 생각에 함몰되고 몸과 단절되며 가슴과 따로 논다. 외로움, 상처, 두려움이 반복된다.

 

자동반응적인 트랜스 상태에 있는 것은 자전거 페달을 밟아 현재 순간에서 점점 멀어지는 것과 비슷하다. 스트레스를 많이 느낄수록 페달을 더 빨리 밟는다. 자녀를 무시한 것, 중독의 광란, 사고를 낸 것, 학대받는 관계를 유지했던 것 등 가장 후회스러운 일이 무엇이든, 모든 것은 자동반응적 트랜스 상태에 갇혀있을 때 일어난다. 트랜스 상태에서는 방향을 바꿀 수 없고 자신과 타인에게 친절할 수 없다.

 

 

 

 

책은 3부 11장으로 구성되었는데, 1부(집중이 지닌 치유의 힘)는 RAIN의 각 단계에 대한 개요이며, 2부(내면의 삶으로 RAIN 들여오기)는 우리들의 내면으로 RAIN을 불러들이도록 인내한다. 마지막으로 3부(RAIN과 인간관계)에서는 인간관계로의 여행이 시작되는데, 여기선 용서하는 능력을 일깨우고, 보이지 않는 편견과 차이를 살피게 하는 훈련법이 나온다. 

 

자신이 트랜스 상태라는 걸 자각할 수 있는 징조는 여러 가지다. 즉 사소한 것이 "너무 크게" 느껴지거나, 온라인상의 링크를 따라가다가 한 시간을 허비했거나, 목이 불편해지고 어깨가 올라가면서 딱딱해지고, 몇 시간째 불안한 상태임을 깨닫거나, 가게에 들렀을 때 눈에 보이는 모든 여자들의 몸과 내 몸을 비교하고 있으며, 또 모든 사람이 싫고 세상에 트집을 잡고 싶거나, 누가 더 우위에 있는지 알려고 계속 다른 사람을 평가한다면 이는 바로 '트랜스 상태'이다.

 

 

징조를 인지하면 트랜스에서 벗어나기 쉽다. 저자는 이런 트랜스에서 유턴할 것을, 그리고 그 방법을 제시한다. 이런 트랜스 상태에서 유턴하는 방법으로 RAIN 수행을 제시한다. RAIN 수행은 인지하기(Recognize), 인정하기(Allow), 살펴보기(Investigate), 보살피기(Nurture)의 첫 글자를 딴 것이다.

 

R : 일어나고 있는 것을 인지하기 

 

지금 경험하고 있는 사고, 정서, 감정, 감각에 대해 주의력을 집중하는 것에서 시작한다. 이때 핵심 질문은 "내 안에서 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는가?"이다. 자신의 주의를 붙잡는 것을 잠시 바라보라. 골치 아픈 생각, 불안감, 상처, 슬픔 등일 수 있다. 그게 무엇이든 간에 수용적인 태도로 몸과 마음에 귀를 기울여라. 그냥 일어나는 모든 것을 가만히 바라본다. 가장 많은 부분을 차지하는 것이나 그 상황의 전반적인 정서를 자각한다.

 

A : 삶을 있는 그대로 인정하기

 

이 모든 경험을 "내버려두는" 것이다. 즉 사고나 정서를 통제하거나 해결하려고 하지 말고 그냥 멈추고 이 순간에 존재하는 것을 "있는 그대로" 받아들이려는 의지를 자신의 내면에서 찾아본다. 공포감이나 깊은 슬픔을 느낄 때 우리들은 '예스'라고 되뇔 수 있다. 혹은 "인정해"라고 말할지도 모르겠다. 이는 진행상 자연스러운 과정이다.

 

I : 부드러우면서 호기심에 찬 주의집중으로 살펴보기

 

자신의 경험에 다정하게 관심을 갖고 집중한다. 다음 질문들이 도움이 될 수 있다. '최악인 부분, 즉 가장 집중해야 하는 부분은 어디인가?', '내가 가진 신념 중 가장 힘들고 고통스러운 것은 무엇인가?', '이 신념은 어떤 정서를 일으키는가(두려움, 분노, 슬픔)?', '이것에 대한 감정은 몸 어느 부분에서 가장 강하게 느껴지는가?' (참고 : 목, 가슴, 배 부분을 훑어보는 것이 도움이 된다.)

 

또 '이런 감정의 증상은 어떤 것인가(조이거나, 쓰리거나, 뜨겁거나 등)?', '이런 감정과 정서를 가장 잘 드러내는 표정과 자세는 어떤 것일까?', '이것은 이전에 이미 경험했던 익숙한 감정인가?', '가장 취약한 상처와 소통할 수 있다면, 그 상처는 어떤 표현(말,감정, 이미지)을 할까?', ' 이 상처는 어떤 식으로 내가 함께 하길 원할까?', '이 상처는 (나 자신, 혹은 사랑과 지혜라는 보다 큰 근원에게서) 무엇을 가장 바랄까?' 등을 질문한다.

 

N : 사랑이 가득한 현존감으로 보살피기

 

무엇이 필요한지 느껴질 때 당신은 어떻게 반응하는가? 자신의 가장 지혜롭고 따뜻한 부분을 불러들여 스스로에게 사랑의 메시지를 전하거나 내면으로 부드러운 포옹을 보낼 것이다. 가슴에 가만히 손을 얹을 수도 있다. 자신의 어린 부분이 은은하게 반짝이는 빛에 둘러싸여 있는 모습을 그려볼 수도 있다. 부모님이나 반려 동물, 선생님이나 영적 지도자 등 당신이 믿는 이가 당신을 사랑스럽게 안는다는 상상을 할 수 있다.

 

말이나 접촉, 이미지나 에너지 등 마음 내키는 대로 자신의 내면의 생명과 친해지는 방법을 시도하라. 어떤 것이 보살피는 느낌을 가장 많이 주는지, 어떤 것이 가장 상처받기 쉬운 부분에게 사랑과 관심, 안전감을 주는지 찾아보라. 시간을 충분히 갖고 마음에게 보살핌을 전달하고 수용하게 하라.

 

RAIN으로 연민 기르기

페루의 빈민 보호시설의 젊은 자원봉사자 필은 골반이 부러진 노인과 응급실에서 몇 시간째 대기 중이었다. 함께 있어 주는 것밖에 할 수 없었기에 노인의 통증을 덜어줄 수 없어 막막했다. 그때 어떤 사람이 노인에게 빵을 주자 그는 빵을 바로 반으로 갈라 필에게 주려고 했다. 필은 놀라 거절했지만 노인은 필 손에 빵을 쥐어주고 어서 먹으라는 몸짓을 했다. 필은 당황스러웠지만 고마운 마음으로 빵을 먹었고, 자신의 식사를 나눠줄 수 있어 노인은 무척 행복해 보였다.

 

이 경험으로 연민에 대한 필의 생각이 완전히 바뀌었다. 그 노인은 더 이상 비실제적 타인, 즉 수동적이고 도움이 필요한 불쌍한 사람이 아니었다. 필 역시 좋은 일을 하는 특권을 가진 봉사자가 아니었다. 그들은 상호적 보살핌과 소속감으로 연결되어 함께 살아가는 존재였다. 우리는 영적인 길을 수행과 고난의 길로 여기곤 한다. 그렇다. 연민에는 훈련이 필요하다.

 

 

 타라 브랙

 

저자는 이런 말로 책을 마무리한다. "자신에게 진실한 삶을 살도록 서로 돕고, 서로 위로하고 동행하며, 함께 아름다움을 창조하고, 함께 깨어나 이 지구와 모든 존재들을 한 마음으로 보살피는 모습을 상상하길 바란다."

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호시우행 2020-03-17 공감(1) 댓글(0)

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