2020/11/08

What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life: Zuckerman, Phil: 9781640092747: Amazon.com: Books

What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life: Zuckerman, Phil: 9781640092747: Amazon.com: Books


What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life Hardcover – September 10, 2019
by Phil Zuckerman  (Author)
4.4 out of 5 stars    36 ratings
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"A thoughtful perspective on humans' capacity for moral behavior." ―Kirkus Reviews

"A comprehensive introduction to religious skepticism." ―Publishers Weekly

In What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life, Phil Zuckerman argues that morality does not come from God. Rather, it comes from us: our brains, our evolutionary past, our ongoing cultural development, our social experiences, and our ability to reason, reflect, and be sensitive to the suffering of others.

By deconstructing religious arguments for God-based morality and guiding readers through the premises and promises of secular morality, Zuckerman argues that the major challenges facing the world today―from global warming and growing inequality to religious support for unethical political policies to gun violence and terrorism―are best approached from a nonreligious ethical framework. In short, we need to look to our fellow humans and within ourselves for moral progress and ethical action.

“In this brilliant, provocative, and timely book, Phil Zuckerman breaks down the myth that our morality comes from religion―compellingly making the case that when it comes to the biggest challenges we face today, a secular approach is the only truly moral one.” ―Ali A. Rizvi, author of The Atheist Muslim


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Editorial Reviews
Review
Praise for What It Means to Be Moral

"A thoughtful perspective on humans' capacity for moral behavior." ―Kirkus Reviews

"Sociologist Zuckerman (Society Without God) presents a prodigiously well-supported argument against religion . . . A comprehensive introduction to religious skepticism." ―Publishers Weekly

"Zuckerman draws on research to show why and how secular morality works . . . [A] first-resort work on its subject." ―Booklist

"Most of us nonbelievers know morality when we see it, but that’s no help when yet another devout friend or family member asks, 'How can anyone know what’s good―let alone do it―without God?' Phil Zuckerman’s surprisingly entertaining new book, on the other hand, is a huge help. Zuckerman doesn’t just explain how and why secular morality works; he makes a powerful case that it works better than any and every religious code and is uniquely suited to help us solve the world’s biggest problems. Here’s your chance to stand tall and answer the naysayers, once and for all, literally for goodness’ sake." ―Bart Campolo, coauthor of Why I Left, Why I Stayed

"Clear, compassionate, and concise . . . Zuckerman’s book serves as a valuable tool and source of inspiration and guidance in creating a world based on humanist ethics, not religious dogma." ―Becky Garrison, The Humanist

"You’re going to want to read this one. It’s a thoughtful and thorough analysis of a subject that is usually dealt with in sound bites." ―Hemant Mehta, Friendly Atheist

"As humanity moves forward, using science and reason to better understand the universe, many people nevertheless reflexively assume that ancient religions are needed for ethical living. Phil Zuckerman dismantles those assumptions brilliantly in What It Means to Be Moral, demonstrating that morality is perfectly consistent with secularity, that hope for a better world need not be reliant on outdated theology." ––David Niose, author of Nonbeliever Nation: The Rise of Secular Americans

“In this brilliant, provocative, and timely book, Phil Zuckerman breaks down the myth that our morality comes from religion―compellingly making the case that when it comes to the biggest challenges we face today, a secular approach is the only truly moral one.” ―Ali A. Rizvi, author of The Atheist Muslim

"Phil Zuckerman skewers the sacred cows of religious infallibility and God-based morality with biting wit and alacrity. He provides engaging historical, philosophical, social, and personal examples to bolster his argument that relying upon theistic interpretations of morality and ethics amounts to 'moral outsourcing.' Taking aim at the highly subjective, crazy-quilt nature of religious moralism, Zuckerman convincingly refutes the so-called universal truisms, values, and codes imposed on mere mortals by omnipotent deities. In so doing, he provides a solid case for humanistic morality as an antidote to the blind dogma and bigotry fueling the United States’ increasingly polarizing political climate." ―Sikivu Hutchinson, author of White Nights, Black Paradise

“In this book, Phil Zuckerman provides an important argument for and examples of moral living without God. His depiction of secular morality offers readers a view into the meaning and depth of human encounter in and with the world. There is no anger or dismissiveness in his narrative―simply insights, sharp and compelling. I highly recommend this book.” ―Anthony B. Pinn, author of Humanism and the Challenge of Difference

About the Author
PHIL ZUCKERMAN is the author of several books, including The Nonreligious, Living the Secular Life, and Society without God. He is a professor of sociology at Pitzer College and the founding chair of the nation’s first secular studies program. He lives in Claremont, California, with his wife and three children.
Product details
Item Weight : 1.5 pounds
Hardcover : 400 pages
ISBN-13 : 978-1640092747
Dimensions : 6.4 x 1.5 x 9.1 inches
Publisher : Counterpoint (September 10, 2019)
Language: : English
Best Sellers Rank: #1,091,448 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
#650 in Atheism (Books)
#886 in Humanist Philosophy
#1,740 in Science & Religion (Books)
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Ryan Boissonneault
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5.0 out of 5 stars Demonstrates the contradictions and dangers of theistic morality
Reviewed in the United States on September 27, 2019
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With the exception of morality, religion has lost its relevance. We now look to the natural and social sciences, history, literature, philosophy, and evolutionary psychology to not only better explain the world and our place in it but also to explain the origin of religion itself.

Morality is, therefore, truly religion’s last stand in its claim to modern relevance. But as Phil Zuckerman shows, we have better explanations for morality, too.

In the first part of the book, Zuckerman thoroughly reveals the incoherence of theistic morality. In addition to the fact that there is little to no evidence of the existence of any god—and that even if there were, we have no capacity to know anything about him/her/it/they—there is the problem of scriptural interpretation (making religion the epitome of moral relativism), the problem of evil, and the Euthyphro dilemma, which is worth elaborating on because it truly cuts to the heart of the matter.

The Euthyphro Dilemma was introduced by Plato in the Euthyphro dialogue. In it, Socrates essentially asks Euthyphro this: is an act moral because god commands it, or does god command it because it is moral? If the first, then morality is arbitrary, entirely at god’s whim, and reduces morality to mere obedience. If god tells you to murder your son, for instance, then you had better do it.

Most of us reject this definition of morality on its face. What about the second option, that an act is commanded by god because it is moral by some other standard? If that’s the case, then morality is independent of god and god becomes irrelevant in regard to moral deliberation.

And so, the dilemma shows that divine command theory leads either to arbitrary obedience to god or else to god’s irrelevance. In the 2,400 years that have passed since Plato wrote this dialogue, there have been no satisfactory answers.

Here’s how Zuckerman summarizes the emptiness of theistic morality, which is hard to argue against:

“There is no compelling evidence that God exists, and even if there were, we can’t agree on what it wills, and even if we could, then human morality would be reduced to nothing more than docile obedience—which is an abdication of moral responsibility. And even if we freely submitted to such a slave dynamic, there’s nothing to prove that what God commands is ‘moral,’ per se, other than criteria somehow existing independently of God, thereby rendering God’s relation to morality redundant.”

These are serious problems that have no answers. The best the religious are able to do lately is to claim that humanism is founded on the principles of religion, as if we require an imaginary, magical being to tell us not to inflict unnecessary harm on others, and that we couldn’t figure this out on our own. (You might ask how humanity survived for hundreds of thousands of years prior to the emergence of Christianity without any sense of pre-existing or innate morality. What is more likely is that Christianity itself was an outgrowth of our evolutionary psychology—mixed with the supernaturalism of the times.)

So where does Zuckerman think we get our morals? From a complex mixture of our biology, evolutionary history, culture, experiences, and rational reflection. Most of us don’t need to be taught how to be empathetic, sympathetic, and compassionate, and morality is simply an extension of these innate traits to a wider circle of individuals.

All religious and philosophical systems of morality share certain things in common: a recognition of the Golden Rule (found in numerous belief systems that predate Christianity), and adherence to the harm principle, which says that our actions should not inflict unnecessary harm upon others (because we would not want unnecessary harm inflicted upon us.)

God simply doesn’t factor into the equation; morality has entirely to do with concern for the well-being of people, right here, right now, on this planet, and with the type of society we all want to inhabit and the type of people we all want to become. Religion only muddies the waters, divides humanity, and impinges upon our natural empathy.

What I like about Zuckerman’s approach here—in contrast to someone like Sam Harris—is that he doesn’t pretend that morality has to be grounded in something objective. It doesn’t, and it’s not. Morality is a social construction, but that doesn’t mean that anything goes. We all have the responsibility to justify our actions to each other, and out of this reciprocal justification emerges a morality based on interchangeable perspectives and recognition of universal rights. This is the basis of secular morality, and as long as it is allowed to function without hindrance based on archaic notions of tribal morality, progress should continue.

My only complaint is with the subtitle of the book, which reads “Why Religion is Not Necessary For Living an Ethical Life.” As Zuckerman successfully demonstrates, it is often the case that religion gets in the way of living an ethical life. He shows how the least religious parts of the world and the United States are the least violent, in addition to the numerous ways in which religion has been used historically for unimaginable levels of oppression and suffering. Yes, some religious people are genuinely good people that do great things in the world, but we always praise them for their moderation, or, to put it in another way, for how secular they are in their interpretation of scripture.

Overall, I see this book as being invaluable in two regards. First, it can act as an eye-opener to any religious individual that cannot understand how anyone can be moral without god. They will see the emptiness and contradictions of theistic morality, in addition to gaining an understanding of how morality far outdates organized religion and how morality is in our biology and based on what amounts to fairly simple principles.

Second, secularists will find a fresh alternative to the scientism espoused by the likes of Sam Harris and others, who ultimately succumb to the religious argument that if morality is not based on something objective and certain, it can mean nothing at all. As Zuckerman shows, science can certainly inform morality, but it is the fluid nature of morality that we should celebrate and embrace; for it is in the deliberation and discussion among rational beings regarding deeply complex issues that non-violent moral compromise and progress can be achieved at all.
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Anon
1.0 out of 5 stars Would not recommend.
Reviewed in the United States on February 22, 2020
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First I would like to preface that I in no way disagree with the idea that morality can exist in the absence of religion. The reason I feel compelled to write this review was because of the gross misrepresentation that occurs in this book.

I felt like the point that was being made in this book was comprehensible, but the book was overall way too long. Instead of writing in a respectful manner that intends to inform and support the existence of morality in the absence of religion, this book seeks to tear down Judeo-Christian religions and vilify individuals who believe in a god, particularly right-wing supporters. Zuckerman seeks to portray religious individuals as crazed and prejudiced. While it is definitely true that individuals who are religious can be extremely bigoted and discriminatory, from the way he writes this book you would think all religious individuals are like this. Furthermore, Zuckerman fails to acknowledge the flip side of the coin: extreme individuals exist everywhere regardless of having faith or not having faith.

Another issue I had with this book was instead of providing causation, most of the points that are made rely on correlation/association and cherry-picking of evidence in order to prove his point. It honestly just detracts from the credibility of his arguments. Zuckerman seeks to only provide one side of the story, which is honestly disappointing when I think of how powerful a book like this could have been had it not been so inequitable.

Overall his passioned interjections, that clearly show his bias against religion, detract from the message he is trying to deliver and instead make me question how a book seeking to inform an audience can also be so narrow-minded. I purchased this book for a class, and I can wholeheartedly say I regret having to do so.
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Ruth Walther
5.0 out of 5 stars Life is Better When You're Secular
Reviewed in the United States on April 20, 2020
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I enjoyed this book for it's weaving of personal narrative, light philosophy, and history into a thoughtful read.

Humanity has been getting more secular and more ethical in recent history. Zuckerman shows that societies that are more secular are more ethical. Secular people decide how to be good by obeying their own consciences and through the use of secular virtues. When religious people are good- we link their goodness with their religion. But, when secular people are good we rarely give credit to their secular values.

What about people doing obviously bad things? Zuckerman addresses immorality from a secular position, and offers solutions without appeals to religious values.
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LeRon Shults
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant and convincing analysis!
Reviewed in the United States on February 25, 2020
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This book represents the apex (so far) of Zuckerman's extensive work in secular studies. He offers an overwhelmingly compelling argument for the claim that religion is not at all necessary for morality - indeed, the evidence consistently indicates religion is a major factor in driving many immoral behaviors.
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Rosa Ventura
4.0 out of 5 stars A lot to think about!!
Reviewed in Canada on November 4, 2020
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his book is about Morality. What it does, how it originates, what are the best conditions for its flourishing, what it can realistically accomplish and what it cannot. His objective is to show that first Religious morality is xenophobic and does not truly reflect the ideal objectives of a moral system. He points out that the target of his objections is not really religion but rather it is theism. He spends a lot of time in laying out the way that religion does not have an exclusive purview over what is moral and what is not. Based on these points he then shows that secularism is a better foundation to establish universal moral standards for a modern society. In many senses secularism is a fact based, rational and self-reflective enterprise that in theory should espouse a morality that is less tribal and ethnocentric than a non secular theory. A morality that speaks to mans cosmopolitanism and that is supported by our evolutionary heritage.

Zuckerman is not an idealist and makes clear that there is not any system that would be able to answer all mans moral questions irrefutably. That morality is a work in progress that it is not edicts from on high- immutable and inviolate. There are real dilemmas such as cultural relativism. What are we to do with Acts that are considered immoral in one society are moral in another. There may be no right answer but in a religious context there is no room for dialogue and discussion, but in a secular context, in theory, we have objective humanistic grounds to discuss, negotiate, and compromise.
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What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life
by Phil Zuckerman
 4.22  ·   Rating details ·  79 ratings  ·  18 reviews
The author of Living the Secular Life deconstructs the arguments for a morality informed by religion, urging that major challenges like global warming and growing inequality are best approached from a framework of secular morality.



In What It Means To Be Moral: Why Religion is Not Necessary for Living An Ethical Life, Phil Zuckerman argues that morality does not come from God. Rather, it comes from us: our brains, our evolutionary past, our ongoing cultural development, our social experiences, and our ability to reason, reflect, and be sensitive to the suffering of others.



Through deconstructing religious arguments for God-based morality, and guiding readers through the premises and promises of secular morality, Phil argues that the major challenges facing the world today, from global warming and growing inequality to religious support for unethical political policies to gun violence and terrorism—are best approached from a nonreligious ethical framework. In short, we need to look to our fellow humans and within ourselves for moral progress and ethical action. (less)
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Rebecca
Nov 22, 2019Rebecca rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2019-second-half, requested-from-publisher, theology-religions, reviewed-for-blog, skimmed, current-events
(3.5) Zuckerman’s central argument is that humanism and free choice can fuel ethical behavior; since there’s no proof of God’s existence and theists have such a wide range of beliefs, it’s absurd to slap a “because God says so” label on our subjective judgments. Morals maintain the small communities our primate ancestors evolved into, with specific views (such as on homosexuality) a result of our socialization. Alas, the in-group/out-group thinking from our evolutionary heritage is what can lead to genocide. Instead of thinking in terms of ‘evil’, though, Zuckerman prefers Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen’s term, “empathy erosion.”

To tackle violent crime, Zuckerman contends, we need a more equal society, with the Scandinavian countries a model of how to achieve that through higher taxes, social services and the rehabilitation of prisoners. He uses a lot of relatable examples from history and from his own experience, as well as theoretical situations, to think through practical morality. I found his indictment of American Christianity accurate – how does it make sense for people who say they follow the way of Jesus to fight against equality, tolerance and scientific advances and instead advocate guns, the death penalty and Trump? Well, indeed.

Zuckerman’s work overlaps a fair bit with another I’ve read on the topic, Richard Holloway’s Godless Morality – even a bishop agrees we needn’t take our societal ethics straight from the Bible! I can’t go along fully with Zuckerman because I think progressive religion has been and can continue to be a force for good, but I would agree that atheists can be just as moral as people of faith – and often more so.

With thanks to Counterpoint Press for sending a proof copy for review.

Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck. (less)
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Ryan Boissonneault
Sep 27, 2019Ryan Boissonneault rated it it was amazing
Shelves: favorites
With the exception of morality, religion has lost its relevance. We now look to the natural and social sciences, history, literature, philosophy, and evolutionary psychology to not only better explain the world and our place in it but also to explain the origin of religion itself.

Morality is, therefore, truly religion’s last stand in its claim to modern relevance. But as Phil Zuckerman shows, we have better explanations for morality, too.

In the first part of the book, Zuckerman thoroughly reveals the incoherence of theistic morality. In addition to the fact that there is little to no evidence of the existence of any god—and that even if there were, we have no capacity to know anything about him/her/it/they—there is the problem of scriptural interpretation (making religion the epitome of moral relativism), the problem of evil, and the Euthyphro dilemma, which is worth elaborating on because it truly cuts to the heart of the matter.

The Euthyphro Dilemma was introduced by Plato in the Euthyphro dialogue. In it, Socrates essentially asks Euthyphro this: is an act moral because god commands it, or does god command it because it is moral? If the first, then morality is arbitrary, entirely at god’s whim, and reduces morality to mere obedience. If god tells you to murder your son, for instance, then you had better do it.

Most of us reject this definition of morality on its face. What about the second option, that an act is commanded by god because it is moral by some other standard? If that’s the case, then morality is independent of god and god becomes irrelevant in regard to moral deliberation.

And so, the dilemma shows that divine command theory leads either to arbitrary obedience to god or else to god’s irrelevance. In the 2,400 years that have passed since Plato wrote this dialogue, there have been no satisfactory answers.

Here’s how Zuckerman summarizes the emptiness of theistic morality, which is hard to argue against:

“There is no compelling evidence that God exists, and even if there were, we can’t agree on what it wills, and even if we could, then human morality would be reduced to nothing more than docile obedience—which is an abdication of moral responsibility. And even if we freely submitted to such a slave dynamic, there’s nothing to prove that what God commands is ‘moral,’ per se, other than criteria somehow existing independently of God, thereby rendering God’s relation to morality redundant.”

These are serious problems that have no answers. The best the religious are able to do lately is to claim that humanism is founded on the principles of religion, as if we require an imaginary, magical being to tell us not to inflict unnecessary harm on others, and that we couldn’t figure this out on our own. (You might ask how humanity survived for hundreds of thousands of years prior to the emergence of Christianity without any sense of pre-existing or innate morality. What is more likely is that Christianity itself was an outgrowth of our evolutionary psychology—mixed with the supernaturalism of the times.)

So where does Zuckerman think we get our morals? From a complex mixture of our biology, evolutionary history, culture, experiences, and rational reflection. Most of us don’t need to be taught how to be empathetic, sympathetic, and compassionate, and morality is simply an extension of these innate traits to a wider circle of individuals.

All religious and philosophical systems of morality share certain things in common: a recognition of the Golden Rule (found in numerous belief systems that predate Christianity), and adherence to the harm principle, which says that our actions should not inflict unnecessary harm upon others (because we would not want unnecessary harm inflicted upon us.)

God simply doesn’t factor into the equation; morality has entirely to do with concern for the well-being of people, right here, right now, on this planet, and with the type of society we all want to inhabit and the type of people we all want to become. Religion only muddies the waters, divides humanity, and impinges upon our natural empathy.

What I like about Zuckerman’s approach here—in contrast to someone like Sam Harris—is that he doesn’t pretend that morality has to be grounded in something objective. It doesn’t, and it’s not. Morality is a social construction, but that doesn’t mean that anything goes. We all have the responsibility to justify our actions to each other, and out of this reciprocal justification emerges a morality based on interchangeable perspectives and recognition of universal rights. This is the basis of secular morality, and as long as it is allowed to function without hindrance based on archaic notions of tribal morality, progress should continue.

My only complaint is with the subtitle of the book, which reads “Why Religion is Not Necessary For Living an Ethical Life.” As Zuckerman successfully demonstrates, it is often the case that religion gets in the way of living an ethical life. He shows how the least religious parts of the world and the United States are the least violent, in addition to the numerous ways in which religion has been used historically for unimaginable levels of oppression and suffering. Yes, some religious people are genuinely good people that do great things in the world, but we always praise them for their moderation, or, to put it in another way, for how secular they are in their interpretation of scripture.

Overall, I see this book as being invaluable in two regards. First, it can act as an eye-opener to any religious individual that cannot understand how anyone can be moral without god. They will see the emptiness and contradictions of theistic morality, in addition to gaining an understanding of how morality far outdates organized religion and how morality is in our biology and based on what amounts to fairly simple principles.

Second, secularists will find a fresh alternative to the scientism espoused by the likes of Sam Harris and others, who ultimately succumb to the religious argument that if morality is not based on something objective and certain, it can mean nothing at all. As Zuckerman shows, science can certainly inform morality, but it is the fluid nature of morality that we should celebrate and embrace; for it is in the deliberation and discussion among rational beings regarding deeply complex issues that non-violent moral compromise and progress can be achieved at all.
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Oct 10, 2019Book rated it it was amazing
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What It Means to Be Moral: Why Religion Is Not Necessary for Living an Ethical Life by Phil Zuckerman

“What It Means to Be Moral” is an excellent book that examines why religion isn’t necessary to be moral and in fact a morality based in God is one based on untrue premises and actually limits our capacity for empathy and compassion. Phil Zuckerman a professor of sociology at Pitzer College and author of some very fine books including one of my personal favorites Society Without God provide readers with a provocative look at the superiority of secular morality. This persuasive 395-page book includes twelve chapters broken out into the following three parts: 1. Why Morality Cannot be Based on Faith in God, 2. The Fundamentals of Secular Morality, and 3. Challenges to Secular Morality.

Positives:
1. Well-written and well-reasoned book. I like Zuckerman’s writing style.
2. An interesting topic, the superiority of secular morality. “Whereas God-based morality is ultimately founded upon obedience, human-based morality is founded upon empathy and compassion.”
3. Good reading rhythm, Zuckerman does a great job of making persuasive statements backed by science and sound logic.
4. Defines morality. “I generally use the term “moral” to refer to personal values and behaviors that increase the well-being of sentient beings, while “ethical” signifies principles and orientations that aim to increase justice and fairness in society.”
5. The naturalistic worldview. “The scientific method, empiricism, rationalism, materialism, evidence-based beliefs, and accepting what actually is true, rather than what we wish were true—these are the smooth, strong pillars of a naturalistic worldview.”
6. The failure of God-based morality. “The manifest failure of God-based morality is that its underlying basis, its central pillar, its muscle, its heart, its engine, its raison d’être—God—has never been shown to actually be real.” “As American philosopher Michael Martin has argued, “unless the concept of God is shown to be coherent, theism cannot possibly be thought to be an ontological foundation of morality.””
7. Explains why obedience is not morality. “For if our sole obligation is to dutifully obey God’s commands, then we are no longer acting as autonomous moral agents who look inward, using our own hearts and minds as our guides.”
8. Provides three reasons why theistic morality is untenable. ““God” is an indefinable, incomprehensible entity that has never been proven to exist”
9. Provides the fundamentals of secular morality. “It is good news that morality, as something we humans create, is a never-ending process, evolving and changing as we grow and develop, ever expanding in such a way as to limit pain, curtail suffering, bolster well-being, and strengthen equality and justice.”
10. Explains where we get our morals. “There are four: 1) our long history as social primates, evolving within a group context of necessary cooperation; 2) our earliest experiences as infants and toddlers being cared for by a mother, father, or other immediate caregivers…”
11. The seven secular virtues. “The underlying principle of freethought is simple: people ought to be able to think anything, wonder about anything, question anything, investigate anything, and learn about anything.”
12. Fascinating conclusions. “Or consider a massive meta-analysis conducted in 2009 by Duke University professor Deborah Hall, who analyzed fifty-five separate studies teasing out the relationship between religion and racism. Her conclusion: strongly religious Americans exhibit the highest levels of racism, while atheist and agnostics exhibit the lowest levels.”
13. A personal relationship with reality. “The secular tendency to live in reality helps us to accept things for how they really are—not how we wish or hope them to be. This means that we don’t rely on prayer or other such magical thinking to alleviate suffering. We have to take thoughtful and deliberate action—and be attentive to those practices and policies that are actually effective in alleviating suffering.”
14. Examines immorality at an individual level. “Several researchers have found a strong correlative link between violent criminal behavior and serotonin levels in the brain. As Irish biopsychologist Nigel Barber recounts, “this link is so strong, in fact, that if you measure the level of serotonin turnover in a violent criminal’s brain . . . you can predict their future criminal violence with greater confidence than by all other methods combined . . . in one study, re-offense was predicted with 84 percent accuracy alone.””
15. A look at genocide. “Third, during every genocide in the twentieth century, millions and millions of people—from Armenia to Poland, Guatemala to Rwanda, and the Ukraine to Nanjing—prayed desperately to God for help, protection, deliverance. And yet God didn’t help, protect, or deliver them, so he doesn’t appear all that efficacious.”
16. The superiority of Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
17. Secular solutions to immorality. “In his estimation, the answer to lowering crime is fairly straightforward: prevent child abuse and neglect, enhance children’s social and intellectual development, provide support and guidance to vulnerable teens, and work closely and therapeutically with juvenile offenders. Do this—as Currie’s extensive research shows—and you’ll reduce overall crime significantly.”
18. A look at the Scandinavian model. “As of this writing, the most successful attempt at establishing such a society is the contemporary Scandinavian model, which combines favorable aspects of capitalism—innovation, competition, and profit motive—with a robust, progressively tax-subsidized welfare state that keeps poverty at a minimum, ensures a healthy level of equality, and provides all citizens with their basic human needs.”
19. Moral relativism. “And as we participate in this process of moral negotiation, we rely only upon ourselves and our ability to understand—rather than passively and prudently cower in obedience to some magical otherworldly moral authority that doesn’t even exist.”
20. Notes and bibliography included.

Negatives:
1. Lack of visual supplementary material.
2. Some repetition.

In summary, I really enjoyed this book. Zuckerman is becoming one of my favorite authors. I loved Society Without God and there is much to like about this one too. Zuckerman makes the compelling case that human-based morality is vastly superior to a God-based morality. In fact, he clearly shows that a theistic morality actually thwarts societal progress. An excellent read, I highly recommend it!

Further suggestions: “Society Without God” by Phil Zuckerman, “The Moral Landscape” by Sam Harris, “What the Biological Sciences Can and Cannot Contribute to Ethics” by Francisco Ayala, “The Science of Evil” by Simon Baron-Cohen, “A Manual for Creating Atheists” by Peter Boghossian, “Sense and Goodness Without God” by Richard Carrier, “The Bonobo and the Atheist” by Frans De Waal, “Natural Atheism” by David Eller, “Good Without God” by Greg Epstein, “The Righteous Mind” by Jonathan Haidt, and “Think” by Guy Harrison. (less)
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Jan
May 16, 2020Jan rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
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This well-written and researched book encapsulates how I feel right now- he lays out in a very plain and clear-headed way why secularism is on the rise worldwide and why it makes so much more sense that theism. Highly recommend if you are a free thinker and open to looking at things from a non-religious perspective.
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Roo Phillips
Dec 10, 2019Roo Phillips rated it really liked it
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Justice Scalia said disbelief in God "certainly favors the devil's desires" (2013). According to a 2014 Pew study 56 percent of Americans believe that it is necessary to believe in God in order to be moral. Our current AG Barr declared that social problems…are the direct result of a “moral crisis” perpetuated by the “secularists of today.” Psalm 14 of the Old Testament says, those who don’t believe in God are not only fools (“morally deficient”), they are not only corrupt, but they are incapable of doing good. Is this all true? What It Means to Be Moral seeks to objectively address this prevalent mindset.

Obviously, anyone (God fearing or not) is capable of being morally bankrupt. But does not believing in a higher authority automatically preclude one from certain moral ability? Is it easier or more natural for theists to be ethical in general? If you think so, then this might be a book worth reading. Zuckerman does a decent job addressing the many relevant studies and data, as well as the philosophical conundrums associated with these debates.

I now realize that, when I was a theist I falsely judged others’ ethical motivations on occasion. As an atheist, I have likewise been inaccurately judged. Learning and understanding both sides of belief has helped me appreciate how easy it is for one to speciously judge another’s moral predisposition. Zuckerman shows that, while belief in God can be one conduit to moral/ethical behavior, it is not required. There are other avenues leading to moral behavior as well. Humanity’s improving moral aptitude can actually be traced through our religious, social, biological, and psychological histories. In my religious circle I know and see regularly that moral behavior can abound among theists. However, reading this book, as well as personal experience, has helped me look at the growing population of non-religious people in the world with hope for a rising moral society, not its disintegration (see Ben Shapiro). No one group or enterprise has the monopoly on moral behavior or capability. As Zuckerman argues, it is relative. (less)
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Francis Bezooyen
Jun 22, 2020Francis Bezooyen rated it really liked it
Overall, this book is truly excellent, but I do have one major criticism of it. Namely, that the author's argument that one set of ideas about what is moral cannot be objectively shown to be better than any other is vulnerable to precisely the same argument by which he shows that a morality which is based on nothing other than the preferences of a God is utterly arbitrary and meaningless. So too is it with any measure of what is moral that supposedly has no more grounding than the preferences of any individual or culture.

In my opinion, Sam Harris really does address the dilemma of moral relativism sufficiently in his book, The Moral Landscape. But, like a surprising number of other people, Zuckerman seems to have only partially understood Sam's arguments in that book. While he says that he appreciates and shares "Harris' emphasis on the well-being of conscious creatures as a solid moral guide" he goes on to confront Sam's argument for a _principle_ by which we might judge what is moral with, essentially, an argument from ignorance or incredulity, confusing the principle that Sam argues for with the reach of those tools of science that we presently possess (a big part of the problem is that he doesn't understand how broadly Sam's use of the word "science" goes. Additionally, he doesn't seem to have registered the fact that Sam agrees that the fundamental value of "well being" is not one that is or can be derived a priori from some more fundamental fact or principle), incorrectly concluding that our inability to apply the principle perfectly in some case, due to insufficient information about the relevant variables on which the principle must work, somehow falsifies Sam's argument. It doesn't. And, meanwhile, Zuckerman demonstrates repeatedly throughout this book that, in practice, he does not actually hold to that disagreement. If he did, he would have no basis for claiming as he does that the state in which humanity finds itself today, with its relatively low levels of murder, rape, and other cruelties, along with the principles and values which have led to that change, should be regarded as any more moral than the conditions and values of former generations. He clearly believes that our present circumstances are more moral, but if we accept his argument that there is no objective way to judge the moral views of one culture to be better than another then we must reject the central argument of his book - that we need not God to be moral - not because God is necessary or even sufficient, but rather, because there could be no such thing as real morality in the first place - it would all be merely the arbitrary preferences of they who have been sufficiently strong to impose their will (Actually, I believe that is a dimension of our actual circumstances, but...).

Anyway - despite this criticism, the book is well-worth reading. (less)
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Kaltrim Perzefaj
Oct 19, 2019Kaltrim Perzefaj rated it it was amazing
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In this book Phil Zuckerman gives great reasons based on experiments and logic that, for a greater well-being of people, religion is not the thing to hope for.

High percentage of people think now-days, so they did in the past, that we cannot be moral if we don’t believe in god.

There is an experiment done with some school kids. Some kids are religious some are raised by atheist parents.Some pens and pencils are given to them as a gift, after everyone got their gifts, they are told that the bag with gifts for the other class is missing, and because of that they are asked if they can donate some of their pens to the other class. Religious and non-religious both donated, but the percentage of donations was higher by atheists than the religious raised kids.

Another evidence is comparing violent rate of more religious countries with less religious ones. The less religious ones result with much lower rate of violence. Scandinavians, Iceland, Japan being the countries with the most non religious population and also scoring the lowest violence crime in the world.

The problem with the minds of people is that we are wired to think that everything has a cause and effect. When we come to think of big bang, we ask, but what caused big bang, what sparked the life? Science hasn’t provide yet with an answer so it must be a higher intelligent being, a god who started it all. With this logic we commit great fallacy, irrationality, because if the universe needed a cause, then who created god, a super god , and who created that super god, a super-duper god? So it goes ad infinitum.

As the philosopher A.C Grayling said “ to explain something by invoking something itself unexplained, is to provide no explanation at all.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. We cannot prove something by not knowing it.

Another argument Phil tells is “ might is not right”
He shows a scenario. He says: imagine you being in year 1968 and you are 19 years old. You are at the Vietnam to fight for your country. You have been there for only two weeks, you are afraid of mines and traps, but luckily somebody supervises you who has been in that ground for about 2 years. He is pretty confident and he knows the place well. In the third week you are ordered to send some help in form of supplies to a village nearby and you do it without a word. In the next week you are ordered to attack a village because enemies are spotted in. So you have to kill everything that moves, from children to women and all. You obey and execute as many as possible.
The question goes, where is the morality on this? Just because you can, does it mean you should do it? Can killing be justified just because somebody that is mighty ordered it for you to do?

Exercising our freedom of choice,to perform a given act or not,is what ultimately determines who and what we are.

As Socrates explained on the dialogue with Euthyphro:
is something moral because it is approved and commanded by God or God commands and approves it because it is moral? If its the first then morality is arbitrary, therefore it’s meaningless. If its the latter than morality exists independent of god, therefore we don’t need god to be moral.

If god commands something to his beloved creatures, like commanding a group of people to cause genocide and all kinds of bad things to another, then is that truly moral? Is that god fair, providing he created everyone equal and we all are his creatures?

In the other experiments author explains with experiments that religious people tend to be more homophobic, nationalist, tribalist, racist etc.
Of course there are some exceptions,but that is - exceptions.

Another fallacy made by people is that they interpret holy scriptures however it pleases them, and their reason for it is, for example some genocide orders by god writings are put there after the first arrival, that people changed it later. If some parts of it can be written by people, what makes you think that it can’t be made all by people? simple logic.

Author also explains if we are to depend on god or our own doing, to increase the overall well-being of our people and life on earth.

History is filled with hundreds of thousands to millions kills and rapes and all kinds of terrible things man can imagine. Those bad fortunes happened to all religious people and non-religious. Religious people depended on god, on their prayers to end their suffering. But did anything happen? Nope. God didn’t came in help, only other people did. It happened as it will always happen, we is the only hope, together to help each other.

We have climate change, poverty, killings,rapes famine and ton of other things that are causing massive suffering. What happens if we pray? Nothing. People are going to die. But we being cosmopolitan, as brother and sister, as a united people, can make progress on everything that troubles human kind.

The trouble with morality is that its exist only in the human mind. We can grab a stick that is 20 cm and compare a pen to it, or a phone. We can conclude if the pen or phone is big or small compared to the stick. But this stays not the same with morality. We have no base to compare it to, no stick.
That’s why moral relativism is still a thing.

But what we can do, the author says is that we are open to critique, and show disagreement with another culture on certain behaviors, but also let them show their criticism and disagreements toward us, so we can make progress on overall well-being.

A scientist said that we can bring morality to objectivity based on the well-being calculated through brain imaging and telling if by the specific act , people are experiencing pain or pleasure.

It is very promising at first sight, but it can’t send us far away , as there is a big difference from religious and religious people.
The religious believe in the after life, we don’t. By this, they experience relief and pride, if they know that they are obeying their god. But for us atheists, we have only this life, here and now, on earth. For us well-being is measured differently.

Epicurus once said; is god willing but not potent to end evil, then why do we call him god?
Is god potent but not willing, then from what comes evil?. (less)

[김지수의 인터스텔라] "내 종교는 효도교, 어머니 눈물값으로 산다" 임지호 셰프

[김지수의 인터스텔라] "내 종교는 효도교, 어머니 눈물값으로 산다" 임지호 셰프


[김지수의 인터스텔라] "내 종교는 효도교, 어머니 눈물값으로 산다" 임지호 셰프
입력2020.11.07. 오전 7:01
수정2020.11.08. 오전 7:00
김지수 기자

"생모의 혈육이라도 만날까, 음식 보시하며 유랑"
"식생활에서 가난 두려워 말라, 결핍 즐겨야"
"고맙게 먹고 있나? 입으로 지은 복만큼 맛 느껴"
"방역보다 면역… 채소 과일, 껍질 버리지말라"
"요리사는 평정심 유지… 맛은 있다가도 없는 것"


원본보기영화 ‘밥정'과 새 예능 ‘더 먹고 가'에서 힐링 밥상을 차려내는 임지호 셰프. 들꽃같은 방랑식객./사진=고운호 기자
늦가을, 토요일 아침, 충무로 극장에서 영화 ‘밥정’을 보았다. 들꽃과 사랑으로 버무린 임지호의 진수성찬을 어둠 속에서 홀로 받아 먹자니, 벌어진 입속으로 웃음과 울음이 동시에 솟구쳐 올랐다.

참하게 말하면 자연요리 연구가, 직설로 말하면 ‘방랑식객’인 임지호. 그가 바다로 산골짜기로 헤매다 길에서 만난 어머니들과 들풀 뜯어 밥해 먹는 이 이야기는, ‘힐링’이라는 얌전한 말로는 설명이 안 된다.

구부정한 노인을 따라 집으로 들어온 나그네는, 담장 아래 낮은 풀을 뜯어 박박 치대고 지글지글 튀기고 꾹꾹 반죽하고 썩썩 칼질해서, 개다리소반에 근사한 수라상을 차려낸다. 개망초 된장국, 괭이밥 떡, 찔레꽃 국수… 카메라가 거의 아무런 개입 없이 담아내는 그 노동의 풍경은 할 말을 잃게 한다.

산 중턱 평상에서 잣솔방울로 국물 낸 칼국수를 깨끗이 비운 노인이 임지호의 손을 잡고 말한다. "우리가 전생에 무슨 인연이 있어 당신이 우리한테 밥을 해주고 가는가?"

"맛있다! 참 맛있다." "고맙네. 정말 고마워." 할머니들은 틀니를 오물거리며 복스럽게 드셨다. 산안개가 스크린을 자욱하게 덮을 때면, 나는 ‘맛있다' ‘고맙다'를 연발하는 노인의 말이 입가에 고여, 나도 모르게 침을 흘리며 입맛을 다셨다.

생모와 길러준 어머니, 길에서 만난 어머니… 세 어머니를 생각하며 그가 시골 빈집에서 제사 음식을 만드는 장면에서는 사흘 내내 비가 내렸다. 긴 툇마루에 흰 종이를 깔고, 홀로 새벽까지 음식을 만들던 그는 문지방에 엎드려 까무룩 잠이 들었다.

꿈속에서, 그는 그리던 어머니를 만났을까?

임지호를 만나러 갔다. 그가 운영하는 한식당 ‘산당'은 강화도 끝에 있었다. 나지막한 산, 바다와 갯벌, 갈대숲과 저수지가 있는 그곳에서 임지호는 축지법 쓰듯 땅 위를 스치고 다녔다. 바람이 그의 몸을 들어 옮기듯 뻘 밭 위로 가뿐히 미끄러져 갔다. 정확한 포즈로 과녁 안에 들어왔다 나가는 그의 리드미컬한 움직임에, 사진기자는 감탄하며 셔터를 눌렀다.

수련과 숙련이 쌓인 몸, 방랑과 정주를 오가는 기민한 몸이었다.

어젯밤 늦게까지 강호동과 MBN에서 곧 시작할 음식예능 ‘더 먹고 가’를 촬영했다고 했다. 코로나 쇼크로 기운 빠진 사람들을 초대해 산동네 부엌에서 ‘칭찬 밥상’을 차려줄 계획이라고.

생각해보면 빈자도 부자도 아이도 노인도 다 그의 밥을 좋아했다. 재벌 회장도, 여배우도 그의 밥상을 받고 눈물을 쏟았다. 자연의 성품과 인간의 슬픔을 헤아리는 임지호의 밥상은 그의 몸을 도구로 이끼, 풀, 돌, 꽃이 연주하는 화해의 칸타타처럼 보였다.


원본보기여섯 살 때 아버지에게 천자문을 배웠다. 12살에 가출 후 밤마다 서양철학과 예술, 전쟁, 사회사를 읽으며 독학했다. 거지에게 기술을 배우라는 말을 듣고 요리에 인생을 걸었다./사진=고운호 기자
"밥은 먹었어요?"로 말문을 연 인터뷰는 "밥 먹고 갈래요?"로 끝이 났다. 인터뷰 내내 입에서 우전차 향이 은은했고, 금방 꺾어온 들꽃의 짙은 향기가 헐거운 공기를 채웠다. 그가 대화 중에 가장 많이 한 말은 ‘온전히 바라본다’였다.

-이젠 완전히 정착한 건가요?

"네. 제가 섬을 좋아합니다. (갑자기 노래를 흥얼거리며)‘나는 술잔에 떠 있는 한 개의 섬이다...' 장사익 선생의 노래 ‘섬'도 참 좋아해요. 겨울 바다에 시리도록 푸르게 떠 있는 게 섬이잖아요."

-섬과 자신을 동일시하는군요.

"여기가 강화도 끝이에요. 바다가 있고 민물이 있고 뻘이 있고, 남쪽과 북쪽의 산이 다 있어요. 섬은 외롭고 순박하고 풍성해요. 어릴 적 집 나와서 헤맬 때, 섬에서 많이 울었어요. 섬이 눈물 쏟는 나를 받아줬어요."

오래 알던 사람처럼, 노래하듯 말하는 게 신기했다. 장사익, 임동창, 정태춘 같은 풍류가객들이 그의 음식에 반하는 이유를 알겠다.

-‘방랑식객'으로 이름을 날릴 때부터 선생을 보아왔어요. 주류 세계의 정해진 독법으로는 선생의 요리와 생활방식을 설명할 수 없더군요. 이번 영화 ‘밥정'은 먹이는 자와 먹는 자가 분리되지 않고, 다 하나로 연결돼 보여서 신비로웠어요.

"허허. 사랑이 충만하죠. 나는 산과 바다와 들에서 나오는 걸 다 취해서 먹여요. 특히 땅에서 나는 건 다 축복이에요. 생명을 끊지 않고 담아냈으니 축복의 밥상이죠."

-다큐멘터리 ‘스시 장인 지로'나 ‘엘 불리;요리는 진행 중'의 분자 요리사 페란 아드리아는, 요리를 성실함과 과학의 세계로 표현합니다. 손님과 요리사의 경계를 분명히 하죠. 그런데 선생은 선을 넘나들더군요.

"나한테 요리는 자연 그 자체예요. 무얼 먹는가가 그 민족의 철학이잖아요. 한국 음식은 틀이 있어도 자유롭게 넘나들어요. 일본은 시대가 변해도 원형을 보존하죠. 프랑스는 원재료를 해체하고 다시 탑을 쌓기를 반복합니다. 한국 음식은 만든 자의 몫이에요. 그 과정이 다 다르고 나는 그걸 모두 존중해요."

-요즘엔 레시피의 정확성이 강조되는 추세입니다만.

"레시피는 필요 없어요. 요리하는 사람들은 도구일 뿐이거든. 모든 인간은 자궁이라는 기가 막힌 궁전에서 태어난 귀한 황제잖아요. 요리사는 그분들께 밥해주는 온전한 도구예요. 그들이 밥 먹자고 예약하면 그들의 영혼이 나에게로 와서, 만들어 먹는 거예요. 둘이 아니라, 일체예요. 한 몸."


원본보기“사람을 따라가면 사랑이 보여요. 안보이면, 그건 생각이라는 장벽 때문이에요. 생각을 걷어내고 보면 모든 생명에는 사랑이 찰랑대죠.”/사진=고운호 기자
내가 매주 시청하는 솔루션 프로그램 ‘골목식당’의 백종원에게 귀에 딱지가 앉도록 들은 말은 ‘정확한 계량, 정확한 조리’로 유지되는 맛의 일관성이었다. 손님과 요리사의 구분, 돈과 밥의 거래를 생태적 협력으로 치환해버리는 그의 말에 당혹감을 느꼈다.

-여하튼 그 도구가 좋아야 할 것 아닙니까?

"도구는 좋다, 나쁘다가 평가할 일이 아닙니다. 얼마만큼 수행이 돼 있느냐죠. 먹는 사람이나 만드는 사람이나 평정심을 유지한 채 즐길 수 있어야 합니다. 필요한 건 비장의 레시피가 아니라 5가지 덕목입니다. 첫째, 거짓말하지 않는다. 둘째, 게으름을 버린다. 셋째, 허영심을 버린다. 넷째, 평상심을 유지한다. 다섯째, 매의 눈을 가진다. 재료를 보고 만들 때 매섭게 보고 확인하고 결정하는 데 실수가 없어야 합니다."

-그건 가히 대장금 클래스인데요. 보통 사람에겐 어려운 수행입니다.

"요리사뿐 아니라 일반 사람들도 그걸 원칙으로 삼으면 사는 데 실수가 없을 겁니다. 제가 영화 ‘밥정'에서 제사 음식으로 삼일동안 108플레이트(접시)를 만들잖아요. 음식은 103가지인데, 거기에 5가지 태도가 합쳐져 108가지가 나와요. 제사상이 뭡니까? 우리 몸의 골격과 근육, 피와 살을 이루는 음식으로 상을 차려, 산 자와 죽은 자의 아쉬움을, 못다 한 정을 풀어내는 거예요. 업장소멸이죠."


원본보기영화 ‘밥정'의 한장면. 지리산 할머니 김순규와 오손도손.
-밥정은 뭔가요?

"밥을 온전하게 나누는 마음, 어머니가 몸으로 가르쳐준 것이죠. 난 밥정을 이렇게 불러요. ‘나는 당신을 닮으려 합니다.’"

영화 ‘밥정'은 KBS 인간극장과 SBS ‘방랑식객’ 시리즈를 함께 만들며 임지호를 추적해왔던 박혜령 PD가 10년간의 기록에 새로 촬영한 부분을 더해서 만들었다. 배낭을 멘 나그네와 스스럼없이 환대하는 촌로들의 모습은 너무도 자연스러워 내 눈엔 한낮의 꿈처럼 초현실적으로 보였다.

-선생은 계속 누군가를 따라가더군요. 해녀, 지게꾼 할아버지, 나물 캐는 할머니…

"어쩌면 허기가 아니라 그리움을 채우기 위해 사람을 따라가고 밥상을 기다리는 거예요. 어머니가 절기마다 해준 음식을 찾아다니며 먹는 거죠. 그리움이 머무는 곳이 음식이에요."

-어떻게 모르는 이를 그렇게 스스럼없이 따라갑니까?

"그분들이 나의 스승이니까요. 저는 길에서 만난 그 한분 한분의 기술을 습득해가요. 나이 많고 적고도 따질 필요도 없어요. 다 나를 비춰보는 거울이니까. 내 어리석음이 줄어들면 그게 행복이잖아요. 그걸 비춰주는 거울이 오래된 사람들이에요."

-마치 자석에 끌려가듯, 그렇게...

"어른을 온전히 바라보면, 자연스레 끌려가요. 몸은 한 치의 오차가 없어요. 입 구(口)자를 봐요. 그게 거대한 문이고 법이에요. 어른 따라가면 "밥은 먹었냐"고 물어봐요. 밥상의 도리엔 빈틈이 없어요."

-과묵한 할아버지가 "전생에 무슨 인연이 있어서 낯모르는 우리한테 밥상을 차려주고 가는가?"라고 묻는 장면에서, 가슴이 열렸습니다. 먹이는 것이 가장 위대한 보은이구나, 싶었어요.

"하하. 그분이 도인이세요. 지게를 대신 지고 그분을 따라갔죠. 내가 지게를 참 잘 집니다. 7~8살 때부터 내 키에 맞는 지게를 졌어요. 아버지가 맞춰졌죠. 지게를 지면 자연을 익히고 두려움이 덜어져요."

-아버지 생각이 나셨군요!

"네. 저는 아버지가 참 어려웠어요. 제가 2대 독자였는데, 아버지가 연세가 많으셨어요. 친구 아버지가 자전거 타고 가면 ‘우리 아버지는 자전거 타실 수 있을까?’ 슬퍼졌어요. 그런 아버지가 도포 입고 자전거 타고 오면 말할 수 없이 뿌듯했어요. 정자 위에서 바둑을 두시면 ‘아버지가 바둑을 두시네' 멀리서 보며 기뻐했죠."

28살에 아버지를 장터에 모시고 가서 딱 한 번 개장국을 사드렸다고 했다. 땀을 뻘뻘 흘리며 드시던 게 잊히지 않는다고.


원본보기열두 살 때 경북 안동의 집을 나온 그는 라면집과 중국집·요정 등 전국 각지의 식당을 전전하며 요리를 배웠다./사진=고운호 기자
임지호는 안동에서 태어났다. 후처로 들어왔던 생모는 임신한 줄 모르고 집을 떠났다. 그는 세 살 무렵 아버지 집으로 보내졌다. ‘주워온 아이'라는 풍문 속에서, 그는 끈 떨어진 연 같은 마음으로 자랐다. 그리움이 뭔지도 모른 채 그리움을 살았다. 생모는 그를 보낸 얼마 후 교통사고로 세상을 떴다.

-그 스산한 마음을 어떻게 했습니까?

"들판에서 강가에서 풀어냈어요. 어스름 녘 까지 강에서 물고기 구경하고 오리 새끼 구경하면서요. 어른들이 찾으러 오면 혼날까 봐 겁나서 집 마루 밑에 들어가 숨었어요. 아침에 거미줄 뒤집어쓰고 나오면 동네 사람들이 ‘주워온 자식이라 함부로 한다'고 수군댔어요. 양어머니가 애를 많이 태우셨어요. 돌아가신 후 그게 너무 슬프고 미안해서 장이 다 꼬였어요."

어머니는 중풍으로 쓰러져 8년을 누워 계시다 돌아가셨다. 20대의 임지호는 객지를 떠돌다 임종을 지키지 못했다. 양어머니는 전주 이씨로 가난해도 꼿꼿했다. 안동포로 길쌈해서 식구들 먹였고, 가을 서리 후엔 고욤나무를 항아리에 넣어 엿처럼 되면 그걸 팔았다. 10원짜리 동전을 칭칭 감아두었다가 어린 임지호의 학용품 값을 빼주시곤 했다.
"언젠가 셋째 누님이 어머니께 ‘왜 막내 때문에 그렇게 가슴 아파하냐’ 물으니, 어머니가 그러시더래요. "낳지 않아도 내 자식이다. 가슴으로 키워서 더 소중하다"고요. 그 말이 길잡이가 돼서 제가 흉한 꼴 안 당하고 살아요. 그 말이 평생 저를 보호했어요."

얼굴도 이름도 모르는 생모와도 기억 한 조각이 남았다. "놀고 있는 제게 누군가 다가와 ‘잘 크고 있네'하고는 스쳐 갔어요. 그분이 생모였어요. 그 장면이 평생 안 잊혀요."

인생에 애 닳지 않은 인연이 어딨겠느냐고. 자신의 삶은 어머니의 눈물값이라고 했다.

-종교가 있으신가요?

"종교가 있다면 효도교예요(웃음). 어머니의 눈물값으로 내가 산다는 믿음이지요. 어릴 때 굶는 걸 밥 먹듯이 할 적에 나 자신을 이렇게 위로했어요. ‘임지호, 너는 특별한 인간이라 한 어머니로는 안 돼. 여러 명의 어머니만 널 키울 수 있었던 거야.’ 12살에 집 나와 떠돌아다니면서 제가 서러움을 좀 겪었겠어요. 울면서 노래를 부르며 다녔어요. ‘엄마야, 누나야 강변 살자~’ ‘나의 살던 고향은~’.

그래도 연세 많으신 부모님, 출가한 누이들에게 짐이 되고 싶지 않았어요. 넉넉지 않은 누이 집에 가면 그 집 애들은 계란후라이 먹는데, 나는 외삼촌이라고 안 줬어요. 고작 13살이었는데... 정비공장에서 일하면서 계란 한 판을 사서 삶아 먹었어요. ...그때도 누나를 이해했어요. 내가 민폐가 되면 안 되죠. 어려운 살림에 아이를 키웠으니, 고마울뿐."

출가외인에게 빌붙지 말라는 아버지 말씀 따라, 잠도 누나 집에서 나와 산에서 자던 시절이었다.


원본보기그는 생명체의 파장을 손으로 느낀다. 식재료를 순식간에 스케치하고 음식을 디자인한다. 20년 동안 그린 미술 작품으로 국내외에서 여러 번 개인전도 열었다./사진=고운호 기자
-왜 그렇게 방랑을 했나요? 생모가 돌아가신 걸 이미 알았는데도.

"어머니의 혈육이라도 만나지 않을까… 그 기대감 속에 끝없이 돌아다녔어요. 내가 밥해주는 분이 어머니의 친척일 수도 있다… 한 줌 소식이라도 듣지 않을까, 60년을 돌아다녔어. 허허. 영화 ‘밥정'이 만들어지고 나서야 자유로워졌어요. 세상 모든 생명이 어머니로구나. 어머니가 없는 곳이 없구나."

-지금은 고인이 되신 지리산 김순규 할머니와의 인연이 특별합니다. 툇마루에 앉아 서로 "예쁘다"며 쓰다듬어 주는 모습이 곱더군요.

"그 어머니의 순수함이 좋았어요. 음식 드시면 항상 "고맙다" "맛있다"를 잊지 않았어요. 다들 맛있는 음식 먹어도 돈만 주면 그만이잖아요. 먹고 나서 ‘고마움'을 전달하면 입 구(口)의 법에 따라 반드시 고마운 일이 생겨요."


이끼를 채취하는 모습.
-특별히 이끼를 뜯어 만든 수프가 어떤 맛인지 궁금해졌어요(웃음). ‘돌옷(이끼)’은 못 먹는다던 할머니가 함박웃음 지으며 맛나게 드시더군요.

"이끼는 어려운 환경에도 씩씩하게 자라요. 말라 죽는 것 같아도 생명이 유지되고 있어요. 노인들한테 이끼의 강인함을 심어드리고 싶었어요. 이끼의 에너지를 육체에 불어넣는 거죠."

-나물을 무칠 때 매번 손아귀에서 삭삭 바람 소리가 나는 게 신기했습니다. 그 과정에서 맛이 일어나는 건가요?

"시계 방향으로 심장의 리듬을 맞춰 힘차게 돌릴 때 좋은 에너지가 생겨요. 손맛이죠. 심장의 울림을 손의 에너지로 전달하는 게 음식이에요."


원본보기벌목꾼처럼 두터운 손. 꽃과 풀은 순식간에 빠르게 뜯는다.
-먹는 풀과 안 먹는 풀은 어떻게 골라냅니까?

"보는 순간 딱 알아요. 일반인이 못 보는 파장을 느낍니다. 그걸 빠르고 용맹스럽게 낚아채는 거죠. 내가 하는 것 같지만 그 밑에 수많은 인연이 돕고 있어요."

그 경지에 이르기까지 엄청난 노동이 바탕이 됐다.

"젊을 때 어깨너머로 요리하는 걸 배우려고 명동 소공동 일대에서 연탄 배달을 했어요. 3.75kg짜리 구공탄을 집게에 걸어 한 번에 10장씩 들어 하루 5천 장을 날랐어요. 너무 힘들어 중간에 던지고 싶을 때가 많았어요. 시시각각 인간의 한계를 시험받았죠. 그 유혹을 이기면 어느새 1층의 석탄산이 빌딩 옥상으로 옮겨졌어요.

연탄 옮기기 고수로 77년 3월에 ‘묘기대행진'까지 나갔어요(웃음). 연탄뿐이 아니었어요. 얼음, 석유까지 배달하면서 호텔, 맥줏집, 중국집, 오뎅집 각종 식당의 부엌 구조를 다 보고 익혔어요. 쇠를 담그듯 노동에 몸을 담금질하며 견문을 넓혔어요."


레시피 없는 지연 요리책 ‘임지호의 밥 땅으로부터'. 최근 출간한 이 책에서 그는 아내와 두 딸에게 고마움을 전했다.
-요즘 자영업자들의 스승은 백종원입니다. 당신은 어떤 배움을 주고 싶은가요?

"그분은 시대의 표본이 되어 경영적 가르침을 주더군요. 나는, 브랜드라는 걸 만들지 않았어요. 한계도 느꼈고요. 지금 이대로 나는 너무나 평화롭고 부족한 게 없어요. 과욕을 부리지 않으려고 해요. 음식이 필요한 곳에, 생명이 커가는 곳에, 나는 우산처럼 서 있으려고 해요."

-임지호에게 맛이란 무엇입니까?

"맛은 맛이에요. 인간은 태어나서 모유를 먹고 이유식을 먹고 밥을 먹어요. 단맛으로부터 자유롭지 않아요. 달면 맛있다고 합니다. 억압되면 달고 맵고 짠 것을 찾아요. 평화로울 땐 온유한 맛, 스트레스받으면 자극적이고 강렬한 맛에 반응해요. 내가 속한 사회, 정치, 경제의 빠른 솔루션을 맛에서 찾으려고 해요. 그게 맛의 정체예요."

-맛의 정체는 고정돼 있지 않군요.

"네. 맛은 유동적입니다. 어느 날 맛이 있었다가 없어지기도 해요."

-레시피의 문제가 아니고요?

"완전히 부정할 순 없지요. 그러나 그 상황을 어떻게 해석하느냐에 따라 최고의 맛도 됐다가, 최악의 맛도 됩니다. 칭찬과 비난이 한 몸이죠."

-그럴 때 요리사는 어떻게 하나요?

"요리사는 평가에 연연하면 안 돼요. 자기가 올곧게 가고 있는가만 중요하죠. 일희일비 말고 평정심을 유지하면 됩니다."


원본보기자연의 일부처럼 되어가는 임지호./사진=고운호 기자
-산당의 음식은 뭐라고들 하지요?

"비난도 하고 좋아도 합니다. 먹다가 울기도 하고 먹다가 웃기도 해요. 저는, 그러거나 말거나 지요(웃음)."

-그럼 뭐가 중요한가요?

"진정으로 받아들이고 있나? 고맙게 먹고 있나? 내가 이 음식을 받을 복을 지었나? 지은 복만큼 맛을 느낍니다. 최고의 셰프가 만들었다고 맛있을까요? 아니에요. 시골 노인이 나그네 불러서 차려준 밥상이 최고지요. 고급 식재료가 따로 있나요? 아닙니다. 재료는 사람들이 많이 먹고 빨리 소진되면 비싸지는 것뿐이에요."

-그럼 견습 요리사에게는 무엇을 가르칩니까?

"가르치지 않고 함께 배우려고 해요. 진정한 교육은 열린 교육이죠. 요리 대회 나가서 우승한다고 최고가 아니에요. 사물의 섭생과 진화, 질서와 조화, 진실을 공부해야지요. (침묵하다)진실은 때론 나무껍질 같아요. 나무껍질은 묘목일 때부터 죽을 때까지 거기 있잖아요. 수액과 햇빛을 머금은 껍질은 나무를 성장시켜요. 에너지를 뿌리로 보내서 꽃과 열매도 맺죠. 사람의 몸도 나무껍질처럼 속일 수가 없어요."

우리 몸은 희로애락이 기록된 메모리 판이라고 했다.

"옷과 화장으로 속여도 걸음걸이에서 비굴함과 서글픔과 고귀함이 다 나와요. 배의 모습인 복상, 등의 모습인 등상에도 데이터가 있어요."


2006년 미국 요리 잡지 ‘푸드 아트’의 표지 모델로 선정된 임지호.
-그걸 다 방랑으로 배웠습니까?

"네. 그런데 방랑에서 가장 크게 익힌 건 성실함입니다. 내 몸의 기운을 다해서 무언가를 하는 것. 가령 저는 음식을 완성하는 속도도 굉장히 빨라요. 3일간 준비해도 만드는 건 30분, 1시간이에요. 신선도가 중요하거든요. 그 속도를 익히느라 16kg짜리 납덩이와 모래를 팔과 다리에 차고 수련을 했어요."

-기인인 동시에 장인이로군요. 스스로는 어떤 사람이라고 느끼나요?

"지극히 평범하고 정말 보잘것없는 사람입니다. 그저 나를 감추지 않고 오롯이 보여줄 뿐입니다. 세상에 쓸모없는 풀이 없듯, 쓸모없는 사람도 없다는 걸 보여줄 뿐이죠. 그러니 나를 돌보고 용맹스럽게 나아가라고요."

-어떤 냄새를 사랑합니까?

"흙냄새요. 흙은 사람보다 넓고 깊고 아름다워요."

-좀전엔 갯벌에서 아이처럼 겅중겅중 뛰어다니시던데요.

"흙에서 후드득 나물을 뜯어낼 때도 머릿속에 다 그림과 질서가 있습니다. 질서를 알면, 푹푹 빠지는 뻘에서도 나는 다람쥐처럼 뛰어다녀요."


원본보기강화도 외포리 바다./사진=고운호 기자
-요리할 땐 어떤 양념을 귀하게 여깁니까?

"소금, 간장, 된장, 고추장, 식초, 참기름, 들기름. 하지만 없으면 없는 대로. 길들여지지 마세요. 전기에 익숙해지면 전기 끊어지면 죽는 줄 아는데, 아닙니다. 스스로 길을 만들면, 나아가기 바빠요."

-선생의 소울 푸드는 무엇이죠?

"된장에 찍어 먹는 풋고추. 아삭함과 된장의 잔잔함이 어우러지는 맛이 조화롭죠. 젓갈도 좋아요. 젓갈엔 예술의 향기가 있어요. 뭉텅이로 뭉그러져 오래된 것은 밑으로, 덜 오래된 것은 위로 떠요. 서열이 생기죠. 젓갈은 귀한 음식인데 다들 머슴처럼 사용해요. 와인처럼 귀한 공주인데 말입니다(웃음). 음식에도 서열이 있어요. 젓갈은 영혼을 치유해요. 장아찌는 달라요. 가난할 때 먹는 음식이죠."

-어머니의 음식 중 유독 기억나는 것이 있나요?

"호박범벅이요. 늙은 호박 속을 빼서 찹쌀 풀고 양대콩 넣어 버무리를 만들어주셨어요. "막내야, 별식이다. 먹어라" 하실 때 그 푸근하던 목소리가 생생해요. 어머니는 비린 건 못 드셨는데 북어는 유일하게 좋아하셨어요. 그래서 명태를 보면 어머니 생각이 나요. 무더기 무더기 피는 벼룩나물은 흙냄새가 그윽해요. 그걸 뜯어 된장에 싸 먹는 것도 좋아하셨어요."

-인간은 자연의 일부고 생명 있는 것은 모두 애달프다고 하셨어요. 우리는 어떻게 먹고 어떻게 사랑해야 할까요?

"날 것과 익힌 것, 오래된 것과 새것. 조화롭게 온전하게 써야 면역이 생겨요. 가정에서는 모든 껍질을 버리지 마세요. 양파, 마늘, 파 뿌리는 깨끗이 씻어서 잘 뒀다가 고기 삶을 때 쓰세요. 향과 영양이 어우러집니다. 감자, 고구마, 사과 껍질도 버릴 것이 없어요. 어떻게 쓰느냐에 따라 독이 될 수도 약이 될 수도 있어요. 재료를 흥청망청 쓰면 가치가 떨어집니다.

식생활에서 가난을 두려워하지 마세요. 결핍을 즐기세요. 가난한 대로 살아갈 방법이 있어요. 안 팔리는 것, 못생긴 것에 주목하세요. 지혜로운 사람은 주워온 것으로도 소중한 먹거리를 만들어내요. 인기 없고 버려진 식재료로 식당을 차리면 어떻습니까. 시작은 보잘것없어도 끝은 창대합니다. 작고 보잘것없는 것들의 하모니, 그 쓰임을 내 몸에, 밥상에, 온전하게 되돌려주세요."


원본보기숙련과 수련으로 단련된 어른, 임지호./사진=고운호 기자
-마지막으로 밥이란 무엇입니까?

"밥은 춤추고 난 흔적입니다. 밥이 되기 위해 쌀은 춤을 춰요. 보글보글 끓다가 춤을 멈추면 밥이 되어 있죠. 우리는 흥겨운 춤의 결과를 먹는 거예요. 밥이 춤을 췄다는 걸 잊지 마세요. 낱알에 우주의 빛을 담고 춤을 추다 내 허기진 배로 왔다는 걸 잊지 마세요."

[김지수 문화전문기자 kimjisu@chosunbiz.com]

Healing Relationships Through Compassion and Connection - Yoga Journal

Healing Relationships Through Compassion and Connection - Yoga Journal

Healing Relationships Through Compassion and Connection
Applying buddhist teachings to emotional healing with relationships, marriage, and lust.
TARA BRACHUPDATED:APR 5, 2017ORIGINAL:AUG 28, 2007
couple in kitchen
Approached as a spiritual practice, a committed relationship can be a path not only to enduring love and deep harmony but also to liberation.
When Molly and Dave arrived at my office for their first therapy appointment, they were quiet and grim. Molly headed for a seat in the center of the small sofa, and Dave squeezed in next to her. As he stretched his arm out along the back of the couch, Molly immediately moved to the far end, folded her arms, and crossed her legs. Throughout the session, they both addressed me, rarely even glancing at each other.

The story they told was not unusual. A little over a year ago, they had fallen deeply in love, and for months, making love had been a passionate and intimate experience they both relished. Hardly a day passed without them finding some time to express their passion. But over the past couple of months, Molly had been cooling to sexual intimacy, leaving both of them confused about how to continue with each other. Even though they had agreed that it was OK if their sexual interest followed different rhythms, Dave continued to approach Molly amorously every day. By the time they came to see me, she was regularly rebuffing his approaches with anger. "It's like he's been imposing himself, totally disregarding who I am, what I want," she said. "He's not giving me a choice." But she also felt guilty when she saw the hurt in his eyes. "I just can't believe I get so mean, so hard-hearted," she added. "But this is just how I feel...I can't stand being treated like an object!"


Dave protested that to him, Molly was "the furthest thing from an object." Eagerly and sincerely, he declared, "She's a goddess to me...really! She's so good, so beautiful. I just want to express my love, to surrender into her." He talked about how pained and frustrated he felt every time she rejected him. Looking at her pleadingly, he said, "Molly, you mean so much to me...How could you not see that?"

For the past three decades, I have been working with psychotherapy clients and meditation students who are grappling with their fears about and longings for intimacy. For many, the dance of intimate relationship is what feels most meaningful in life. Yet besides the joy and communion they may have found, they inevitably suffer the anguish of conflict and hurt. In my work (as well as in my own marriage, divorce, and subsequent partnership), I've seen how readily we can fall into reactivity, how easily we can get locked into the role of victim or "bad guy." During these times, all the potential and promise of love get bound up in blame and defensiveness.

John Schumacher, an internationally known teacher of Iyengar Yoga, points out that "any deep connection with another naturally pushes us up against our edges." Speaking of his own marriage as a fertile source of insight and inspiration, he says, "Like a spiritual teacher, our partner knows us—knows when we're selfish, stuck, caught in feeling separate." Schumacher notes that relationships, like asanas, require the willingness to remain present for the difficulties and challenges that inevitably arise. "Discomfort and imbalance are flags that adjustment is needed."


Just as being present with pain or discomfort in a yoga asana can release blockages and bring the body and mind into harmony, being fully present with uncomfortable conflicts that arise in a relationship can bring us back into harmony and communion with ourselves and our partner. Through what we might call the yoga of relationship, we discover our connectedness and realize the loving awareness that is our deepest nature.

When we enter into an intimate relationship, few of us escape visitations of insecurity and shame, of aversion and jealousy. Learning to bring an openhearted presence to these kinds of feelings, rather than reacting out of fear or hurt, is not easy. But when we are willing to stay put and pay attention at precisely the moments when we most want to lash out, cling tightly, or pull away, our relationship becomes a path of deep personal healing and spiritual transformation. As with any type of yoga, one of the blessings of the yoga of relationship is the profound inner freedom that comes from realizing the goodness and beauty of our essential Being.

See also: Let It All Go: 7 Yoga Poses to Release Trauma in the Body

Cultivating Compassion Through Partnership
When they arrived for their next session, Molly and Dave (not their real names) immediately launched into their own versions of how the other was causing hurt and confusion. I suggested to them that instead of focusing on each other, they both begin to investigate their own feelings more closely. They were puzzled but curious and willing. "When intense feelings of desire or aversion arise during the week, consider these as signs to stop and pay attention," I told them. "It might be hard to remember at first, but if you clearly commit to pausing in this way, I can guarantee you it will make a difference." They glanced at each other for a moment and then nodded in agreement.

Learning to pause is the first step toward transformation and healing. We pause by stopping what we're doing—we stop blaming, withdrawing, obsessing, distracting ourselves. In the space a pause creates, our natural awareness arises, allowing us to be mindful—to recognize what is happening inside us without judgment. By pausing, we begin to dismantle lifelong patterns of avoiding or distancing.

I suggested to Molly and Dave that after pausing and becoming still, they would be able to gain insight into their reactivity rather than being carried away with the momentum of blame or shame. The next step would be to ask themselves, "What is happening inside me right now?" and then bring wholehearted attention to whatever was taking place in their bodies and minds—the squeeze of anxiety, the heat of anger, the stories of who did what. They might even name the thoughts, feelings, and sensations, if doing so would help them stay focused and investigate what they were actually experiencing.

Then I introduced what is perhaps the heart of the practice. While continuing to notice whatever was most predominant or difficult, Molly and Dave were to ask themselves, "Can I accept this experience, just as it is?" Whether we're fuming with anger, dissolving in sorrow, or gripped by fear, our most powerful and healing response is an allowing presence—not indulging or wallowing in our feelings but simply acknowledging and experiencing what is happening in the present moment. By accepting what is, we let go of the story of blame that either pushes away our partner or condemns our own feelings as bad or wrong.

I call this courageous kind of attention radical acceptance. It is a way of regarding whatever is happening within us with the two wings of awareness: mindfulness and compassion. With mindfulness, we see clearly what is going on inside us, and with compassion, we hold whatever we see with care. By bringing radical acceptance to our inner experience, we recognize and transform our own limiting stories and emotional reactions. We are freed to respond to our partner with creativity, wisdom, and kindness; we can choose love over being right or in control. Even if only one partner meets conflict with less defensiveness and a more accepting presence, the relational dance begins to change. In place of the familiar chain of reactivity, each person's vulnerability and goodness shine through.


See also 5 Ways to Practice Compassion - and Get Better at It

The Doorway to Connection
At our session the following week, Dave talked about what had happened to him on the previous Saturday night. Molly had gone to bed early, and as he sat working at his desk, he found himself anticipating climbing in beside her and making love. Instead of immediately acting on the thought as he would usually do, he paused to investigate what he was feeling. As his hunger for pleasure became increasingly compelling, he remembered my suggestion and noted the feelings of "wanting" and "excitement." Then the thought arose that once again, Molly wouldn't want to make love with him, and the hunger turned into a sinking feeling. He named that "shame" and felt the tightness in his chest, the hollow ache in his belly. "When I stayed with those feelings, I got really scared. My heart started racing, and I felt desperate, like I had to go to Molly right away...almost like I'd lose something forever if I didn't have it immediately." Dave paused, looking down at the floor. Then he whispered in a shaky voice, "I've always been afraid I'll never get what I really want...like somehow I don't deserve it. I wonder if that's why I'm after Molly all the time."

After Molly let Dave know she'd heard what he said, she told her own story. Sunday morning, Dave had seemed irritated and sulky, and she figured he was punishing her because they hadn't had sex the night before. This made her furious, and the unexpected intensity of her rage reminded her to pause. When Molly asked herself, "What inside me really wants attention?" she immediately felt a stabbing hurt, like a knife in her chest. "In my mind, I heard the words, 'He doesn't love me for who I am. I can't trust that he loves me at all,'" she said. "Suddenly, that seemed like the truth. I totally believed it!" Her eyes had started stinging, and she'd felt like a little girl all alone. But rather than blaming Dave for not loving her, she just imagined holding that little girl and telling her she understood how hurt and lonely she was. "I knew then that I'd felt like that ever since I was really little—that nobody would ever really love me. Not Dave, not anyone."

After Molly finished speaking, she and Dave were both very quiet. When they looked at each other, I could tell that something had shifted. Rather than reacting to what they assumed about each other, they were opening to the reality of each other's pain and insecurity. In the honesty of this exchange, both had become more open and tenderhearted.

Facing the truth of our hurt and fear and having the courage to share what we experience with our partner are the lifeblood of the yoga of relationship. Stephen and Ondrea Levine, spiritual teachers and coauthors of Embracing the Beloved (Anchor, 1996), have infused their own marriage with the power of awareness and truth-telling. Stephen emphasizes the profound healing that is possible when couples are brave enough to disclose their vulnerability: "When two people in a relationship admit together that they are afraid, they begin to dissolve the constricting identity of being a separate and fearful self. In these moments, they tap into the blessing of pure awareness and pure love."

Through our willingness to experience and share our vulnerability, we discover a shared and compassionate awareness that is spacious enough to hold the natural imperfections of all humans. Painful emotions become less personal—"my fear" becomes "the fear," "my loneliness" becomes "the loneliness." As poet and teacher Adrienne Rich writes, "An honorable human relationship, that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word love, is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this, because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation." By telling the truth in an intimate relationship, we awaken from our belief in separation and discover once again who we truly are.


See also A Home Yoga Practice to Awaken Your Sexual Vitality

Trusting Our Goodness to Allow Self-Acceptance
In the weeks that followed, as Dave and Molly continued to bring compassionate attention to their own experiences, each found increasing freedom from the tension and judgments that had been separating them. As Dave met his fear of "not getting" with a clear and kind attention, and was brave enough to share this with Molly, things kept shifting. He no longer felt so sexually driven. He began to feel more at home with himself, and the energy that had been bound up in feeling that "something is missing....Something is wrong with me" gave him a sense of renewed vitality and confidence. Instead of channeling his passion for life into lovemaking with Molly, he felt more alive in general. "Of course, I still cherish making love to her," he told me, "but I also feel more zest for playing basketball, going biking, listening to Mozart." No longer desperate, Dave experienced a growing spaciousness and ease about whether or not they made love. "The more alive I feel, the more I'm 'in love,' no matter what Molly and I are doing," he explained.

As Molly continued to recognize and accept the feelings of anger and distrust that arose in her, she realized that no matter how much anyone had ever reassured her of love, deep down she'd felt too flawed to believe it. Seeing how many moments of her life she had spent imprisoned in feeling undeserving brought up a deep sadness. The more she shared this with Dave, the more she opened up and accepted the pain inside her. "Then one afternoon," she said, "I realized I was really feeling tender toward myself...that I was a good, tenderhearted person." Experiencing herself in this way changed everything. "I could look into Dave's eyes and see the purity of his soul," she said. "Rather than feeling afraid that he wanted something from me or wondering if he really loved me, I could simply be there with him and appreciate his goodness." After reflecting for a few moments, she added, "When I trust myself, I want to just let go completely into the love that's between us."

In my work with individuals and couples, I've found that perhaps the deepest source of suffering is the feeling of being flawed, the belief that "something is wrong with me." Especially when we and our partner are at war with each other, these feelings of being unworthy or unlovable lock them into patterns of anger, clinging, blame, mistrust, and separateness. Yet when we are willing to use the tools of attention and radical acceptance, of sharing with each other the truth of their vulnerability, the entrenched patterns of feeling unworthy and separate begin to dissolve. We glimpse our own basic goodness—our natural wakefulness, openness, and tenderness. Like Molly, when we trust our own goodness, we can trust the goodness in others. We see beyond the veils of personality to the indwelling divine.

See also 4 Poses to Deepen Intimacy and Strengthen Relationships

The Guiding Light of True Intention
The kind of conscious relationship that developed between Molly and Dave was founded on clear intention. Knowing that their intention was to find their way back to love and understanding, they were open to try whatever might work.

For George Taylor and Debra Chamberlin-Taylor, this intention was made explicit in their wedding vow—that all circumstances might serve the awakening of wisdom and compassion. In this pledge, known as the bodhisattva's vow, they were committing themselves not only to the liberation of their own hearts but to serving the freedom of all beings everywhere. From the moment they stood side by side in a grove of ancient redwood trees and made that pledge together, they have attempted to make every aspect of their relationship part of the path of healing and spiritual awakening. Over and over, this touchstone has reminded them to respond to what was happening inside and between them with awareness and compassion, and it has served them even in the midst of one of the greatest disappointments of their lives.


After 10 years of marriage, Debra and George had decided to create a family together. Deeply bonded as partners, they anticipated the raising of a child as the ultimate expression of their love. Each saw in the other the makings of a wonderful parent. But tests revealed infertility, and Debra had a worsening case of chronic fatigue that ruled out adoption as an option. All the promise and fun and goodness of life seemed to fall away as their dreams crumbled. They were, as Debra put it, "in the fire."

George and Debra have been psychotherapists for years, and both are longtime Buddhist meditators. Debra is also a nationally known vipassana meditation teacher. Throughout their marriage, they have led many workshops together on intimate relationships, guiding couples through the spectrum of hopes and fears, triumphs and losses. Yet all of their wisdom and knowledge couldn't lessen the pain of realizing that their marriage would remain childless. Tension began to seep into their daily interactions.

"We kept finding ourselves irritated and defensive with each other," Debra recalls. George would notice all the teaching events scheduled on Debra's calendar and angrily confront her about overdoing it when her health was so tenuous. Debra would react by accusing him of trying to control her. The words would grow sharp and their hearts tight as they locked into blame and separation.

Every one of us who has walked the path of relationship knows those turning points when we can either grow closer to our partner or begin the irreversible drift apart. The fork in the road might take the form of a lost job, an extramarital affair, or a struggle with addiction. The intense disappointment and grief Debra and George were suffering might have turned them against each other permanently. Instead, the pain at this critical juncture in their relationship served to strengthen their bond and deepen their love.

As a psychotherapist and Buddhist teacher, I am drawn to exploring what makes the difference for couples at points of crisis. Because Debra and George are especially conscious, loving, and mature in their relationship, I asked them to explain how the kind of conflict that might drive a wedge into other relationships has served to deepen their intimacy. Without hesitation, Debra answered, "What saved us was the intention we both hold that everything—our anger, hurt, fear—serves spiritual awakening. In the midst of an argument, one of us would suddenly stop and remember, 'Oh! This is it! This is what our marriage vow is about.'" Then they would sit down together, become quiet, and breathe. "Once we could remember that what most mattered was waking up and helping each other wake up," Debra said, "our defenses would fall away."

In a conscious relationship, our vows or intentions can help us burn through the trance of fear, hesitancy, and doubt and allow us to show up with a spontaneous and wholehearted presence. In Embracing the Beloved, Stephen and Ondrea Levine talk about the power of mutual commitment to awakening together: "Vows taken by committed lovers are like precepts pledged by a monk or nun. They are a support along the high path into the unknown....No matter what circumstances arise, they are the bedrock for the next step." The intention expressed in their vows proved to be that bedrock for Debra and George.

When we choose to make our relationship with our partner a spiritual practice, we enter a sacred journey of ever-deepening love and freedom. The path is challenging, yet with purity of intention and clear attention, the very circumstances that threaten to drive us apart can open the gateway to the blessings of communion. In the moments when we remember what matters and are fully present, we come home to the pure awareness that is the essence of our Being.


See also Yoga Philosophy 101: Take Yoga Off the Mat and Into Your Relationships

The Sweetness of Devotion Through a Shared Experience
Fulfilling the commitment to be mindful and compassionate in a relationship takes real effort; the way unfolds gradually when we show up every day and bring what is unconscious into the light of awareness. This training of heart and mind clears away the clouds and allows us to see the beauty and goodness—the divine presence that shines through our partner. With that recognition, we spontaneously let go more fully into loving. This letting go is the grace and sweetness of devotion. As we practice offering all of our hurt, fear, longing, joy, and gratitude into the shared field of unconditional loving, our devotion blossoms.

The Levines consider such devotion to be the very essence of spiritual relationship, the quality that allows a relationship to become a mystical union. In their book, they write: "It begins with one being meeting another in love. It deepens and expands until the loved one becomes, in our heart, the Beloved....This union is not with another but with the mystery itself, with our boundaryless, essential nature."

By recognizing the Beloved in the other person and ourselves, we open into the sacred space of mystical communion. This liberating realization of our shared essence is the sweetest fruit of the yoga of relationship. We are no longer loving our partner or receiving love, we are love. Through the purity of our intention and attention, we have released the river of our separateness into the radiant and edgeless ocean of Being.

See alsoAstrology: What Your Sign Says About Your Love Life

About Our Expert
Tara Brach is a clinical psychologist and the author of Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. She has taught extensively on the application of Buddhist teachings to emotional healing and teaches Buddhist meditation throughout North America.

BY TARA BRACH

Buddhist Emotional Healing


Emotional Healing

How can you enjoy life while feeling depressed? And how many people do you have around you, that really understand what it's like to be in your shoes?

The ongoing emotional and mental pain can wear anyone down to the point where life becomes a struggle, but there is a way out of the hopelessness and even the slightest improvement can have a positive effect on your situation.

Freedom from anxiety and depression is a liberation in the true sense of the word. Let's give the emotions some attention.

Negative Emotions

We are open to our emotions when we are happy, but we reject them when we are feeling low. This is the human conditioning or our nature, if you like.

We do whatever we can to get rid of unpleasant emotions, that includes exercising, listening to loud music, eating, sleeping, having sex, drinking alcohol, doing drugs and even committing suicide.

We are always shunning away from painful emotions and more so than not, we are afraid of them. The first time you voluntarily give attention to unpleasant feelings, can be a totally overwhelming experience, for the most part because of fear.

The emotions are not of any immediate danger to us, but we tend to be afraid of them. Given time and practice, you will get used to giving attention to painful emotions and develop an almost neutral relation to them. Fear is replaced with a sense of security. Let's move on to emotional healing.

Gentle Emotional Healing

I recommend a gentle approach to emotional healing so you can familiarize yourself with the unpleasant emotions, one step at the time. This makes the process smoother.

Let's approach the emotions with love and care, this can not be over-emphasized. You have avoided the painful emotions for years, now it's time to give them gentle and loving attention.

First, a few words about healing in general. Crying is one of the most relieving and effective forms of healing. So, I recommend that you welcome the tears just like a farmer welcomes rain.

Then, I suggest you seek help from someone with experience of emotional healing. Choose a therapist you feel comfortable with, this naturally speeds up the healing since you are able to relax in her presence.

It's equally important that you are at ease with the type of therapy you are in. Let me recommend three forms of emotional healing.

Talk Therapy

I'm for plain and simple talk therapy where you get a chance to express your feelings and thoughts, which is the very heart of healing. It's so relieving to talk about your situation to someone who really listens, it's almost like letting the air out of a balloon.

There are many ways of approaching emotional healing, let's take a look at an alternative method.

Reiki Healing

I'll never forget the first time I received healing. I was deeply depressed at the time and desperate to ease the emotional pain. The unpleasant emotions were getting too hard to bear.

As the gifted healer put her palms to my chest I felt waves of soothing warmth flow into me, I had never experienced anything like it. With the added dimension of healing energy, I find reiki even more gentle than talk therapy.

A reiki session is usually a combination of talk therapy and hands-on healing. As a reiki healer, I recommend this form of healing to anyone who is open to it. Google the word reiki for more information on energy healing. Let's touch on relaxation.

Healing Meditation

After having lived with unpleasant emotions for months or even years, deep relaxation becomes a wonderful relief. It effectively dissolves physical and mental tension and is easy to learn.

Meditation can bring about very positive changes with light forms of anxiety and depression. I strongly recommend healing meditation. No previous experience needed, practice makes perfect...

Best of luck!








Buddhist Emotional Healing

Buddhist Emotional Healing

 

In this post we'll take a look at how to heal unpleasant emotions with awareness. We will also compare how Buddhist emotional healing differs from conventional talk therapy.

Regardless what type of healing method you choose, it's extremely important that you work with someone you feel comfortable with, since healing cannot take place when the body and mind are tense.

Also keep in mind that it takes time to heal emotional pain, you may have to work on it for years. But I can assure you that there is a way out of the hopelessness...

Awareness Heals Unpleasant Emotions

Normally, we avoid anything in life that is unpleasant and that includes negative emotions. But once you give relaxed attention to your unpleasant emotions, you purify or heal the negative energy. All you have to do is lie down on your back, close your eyes and give relaxed attention to the unpleasant sensations in your body. Practice for 5-20 minutes at the time.

For someone who is depressed, for example, the mental state is dominated by negativity which makes it easy to become aware of unpleasant emotions. On the other hand, if you're not feeling particularly unhappy while doing healing meditation, you can think of a painful situation from your childhood. That would put you in touch with painful emotions.

Whenever you give relaxed attention to negative emotions, accept that the healing process is somewhat unpleasant. Giving attention to negative mental states is a form of acceptance. This is really all you need to know to get started with this type of healing.

Buddhist Emotional Healing Versus Talk Therapy

If Buddhist emotional healing purifies the mind, then talk therapy could be said to ease the emotional pressure. In my experience, talk therapy can quickly improve your mental state to a certain degree.

If you are deeply depressed, I would strongly recommend a few sessions of talk therapy. It feels so good when someone really listens and gives you attention; afterwards, you experience a great relief, as if something has been lifted off your shoulders.

Talk therapy does not heal as deeply as Buddhist emotional healing, but it certainly works. Therefore, I recommend the combination of the two. 

Talk therapy eases the emotional pain while giving relaxed attention to your unpleasant emotions, purifies your mind at the deepest level.

99 Noble Strategy [11] What is Emptiness?

 99 Noble Strategy

11] What is Emptiness?

Emptiness is a mode of perception, a way of looking at experience. It adds nothing to and takes nothing away from the raw data of physical and mental events. You look at events in the mind and the senses with no thought of whether there’s anything lying behind them.

This mode is called emptiness because it’s empty of the presuppositions we usually add to experience to make sense of it: the stories and world-views we fashion to explain who we are and to define the world we live in. Although these stories and views have their uses, the Buddha found that some of the more abstract questions they raise—of our true identity and the reality of the world outside—pull attention away from a direct experience of how events influence one another in the immediate present. So they get in the way when we try to understand and solve the problem of suffering.

Say for instance, that you’re meditating, and a feeling of anger toward your mother appears. Immediately, the mind’s reaction is to identify the anger as “my” anger, or to say that “I’m” angry. It then elaborates on the feeling, either working it into the story of your relationship to your mother, or to your general views about when and where anger toward one’s mother can be justified.

The problem with all this, from the Buddha’s perspective, is that these stories and views entail a lot of suffering. The more you get involved in them, the more you get distracted from seeing the actual cause of the suffering: the labels of “I” and “mine” that set the whole process in motion. As a result, you can’t find the way to unravel that cause and bring the suffering to an end.

If, however, you can adopt the emptiness mode—by not acting on or reacting to the anger, but simply watching it as a series of events, in and of themselves—you can see that the anger is empty of anything worth identifying with or possessing. As you master the emptiness mode more consistently, you see that this truth holds not only for such gross emotions as anger, but also for even the subtlest events in the realm of experience. This is the sense in which all things are empty. When you see this, you realize that labels of “I” and “mine” are inappropriate, unnecessary, and cause nothing but stress and pain. You can then drop them. When you drop them totally, you discover a mode of experience that lies deeper still, one that’s totally free.

To master the emptiness mode of perception requires training in firm virtue, concentration, and discernment. Without this training, the mind tends to stay in the mode that keeps creating stories and worldviews. And from the perspective of that mode, the teaching of emptiness sounds simply like another story or worldview with new ground rules. In terms of the story of your relationship with your mother, it seems to be saying that there’s really no mother, no you. In terms of your views about the world, it seems to be saying either that the world doesn’t really exist, or else that emptiness is the great undifferentiated ground of being from which we all came to which someday we’ll all return.

These interpretations not only miss the meaning of emptiness but also keep the mind from getting into the proper mode. If the world and the people in the story of your life don’t really exist, then all the actions and reactions in that story seem like a mathematics of zeros, and you wonder why there’s any point in practicing virtue at all. If, on the other hand, you see emptiness as the ground of being to which we’re all going to return, then what need is there to train the mind in concentration and discernment, since we’re all going to get there anyway? And even if we need training to get back to our ground of being, what’s to keep us from coming out of it and suffering all over again? So in all these scenarios, the whole idea of training the mind seems futile and pointless. By focusing on the question of whether or not there really is something behind experience, they entangle the mind in issues that keep it from getting into the present mode.

Now, stories and worldviews do serve a purpose. The Buddha employed them when teaching people, but he never used the word emptiness when speaking in these modes. He recounted the stories of people’s lives to show how suffering comes from the unskillful perceptions behind their actions, and how freedom from suffering can come from being more perceptive. And he described the basic principles that underlie the round of rebirth to show how bad intentional actions lead to pain within that round, good ones lead to pleasure, while really skillful actions can take you beyond the round altogether. In all these cases, these teachings were aimed at motivating people to focus on the quality of the perceptions and intentions in their minds in the present—in other words, to get them to want to get into the emptiness mode. Once there, they can use the teachings on emptiness for their intended purpose: to loosen all attachments to views, stories, and assumptions, leaving the mind empty of all greed, anger, and delusion, and thus empty of suffering and stress. And when you come right down to it, that’s the emptiness that really counts.